Difficult conversations

Strategies for Dealing
with Difficult
Conversations and
Negotiations
“One of the greatest arts in life is learning how
to disagree without being disagreeable”.
Power of a Positive NO, William Ury
1

Key Message
Having the ability to successfully engage in
difficult conversations with clients, boards,
bosses and staff is an important skill to
successfully manage relationships and
results.
2

Types of Difficult
Conversations
 Disagreeing when the stakes are high
 Dealing with rude and disrespectful
behaviour
 Saying “No”
 Delivering difficult news
3

When do we need to Engage?
To determine if you need to have a
difficult conversation ask yourself;
what is at STAKE here?
What happens if you don’t have the
conversation?
4

Ineffective Ways to Manage
Difficult Conversations
 Avoid
 Back Down
 Combat
5

Preparation is Key
Before anything else, preparation is
the key to success
~Alexander Graham Bell~
6

Framework for Success
 Prepare to Talk
 Prepare and Deliver an ABC Message
 Stop Talking and Start Listening
 Stay Cool
 Respond not Defend
7

Prepare: Identify the Real
Problem
 What are the facts? What is the other person
doing or saying that is causing a problem?
 What is the effect/result of their action/inaction on
you or others?
Remember your beliefs, assumptions and
judgments about the situation are not facts!
8

Prepare: Clarify your Goal
What are you hoping to achieve in having
this difficult conversation?
 Is it doable?
 Is it within your control?
 Is it productive?
9

Prepare: Plan Ahead
Follow the Scout Motto: Be Prepared
Anticipate their reaction so you don’t get
hooked
Know your back-up plan if you do not get
cooperation or the conversation goes sour
10

Prepare Your ABC Message
Accurate
Brief
Clear
11

Brief
 Decide what is most important and leave it
at that-no dredging up ancient history
 Avoid lengthy explanations
 Less is more
13

Clear
 Get straight to the heart of the matter
 No hints or innuendo-give diplomacy a rest
 Avoid blaming others
 Avoid the feedback “sandwich”
14

Deliver your ABC Message
Deliver your ABC Message
Be Calm
Be Confident
Be Neutral
This is about giving people the “straight goods”
in a respectful and non-judgmental way
15

Stop Talking Start Listening
 Turn the conversation over to the other
person and then Embrace Silence
 The moments following the delivery of your
message are the most difficult. Be prepared
for the discomfort.
 Give the other person the space to respond
16

Listen Up!
 Listening is more than not talking. It is about
being present and curious
 Listen with thoughtful attention to understand
what the other person is thinking and feeling.
What are their concerns?
Resist the temptation to…interrupt
17

Acknowledge the Other
Even if you don’t agree with what the other person is
saying, you can acknowledge:
their perspective by conveying your understanding
of what you hear
their feelings by showing empathy or understanding
Acknowledgement is about Respect
18

Why Bother?
 The key to having them “hear” your
message is having he confidence to listen
to them speak without interruption
 Everyone what to be heard and
understood
19

Stay Cool!
 Be prepared for a strong emotional
reaction or “push back”
 Give them the space to have their reaction
 Have your plan to stay calm, cool and
confident
Remember it is not personal
20

Respond Not Defend
 Pause before responding
 Resist the temptation to respond in kind,
back down, or become defensive
Be Calm. Be Concise. Be Confident.
21

Wrap it Up
 Re-state your message
 Clarify misinformation/misunderstandings
 Reiterate expectations and boundaries
 Clarify what you have agreed to
Be Calm. Be Concise. Be Confident.
22

Going forward…
 Deal with issues as they arise
 Prepare for all of your difficult
conversations
 If someone comes at you listen, question,
acknowledge and then take some time…
23

Resources
 Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters
Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Shelia Heen,
(Penguin Books, 2000)
 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen
R. Covey (Free Press, 1989, 2004)
 Beyond Reason, Using Emotions as You Negotiate by
Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, (Viking Penguin 2005)
 Mistakes were Made (but not by me), by Carol
Tarvis and Elliot Aronson, (Harcourt Inc., 2007)
 Dialogue and the art of thinking together by William
Issacs (Doubleday 1999)
24

Resources Continued
 Fierce Conversations, Achieving Success, at Work &
in Life, One Conversation at a Time, by Susan Scott,
(Berkley Books, 2002)
 Taking the War out of Our Words: by Sharon Strand
Ellison (Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, 1998-2009)
 Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when the
stakes are high, by Patterson et al, (McGraw- Hill 2002)
 First Break All the Rules: by Buckingham & Coffman
(Simon & Schuster Inc.,1999)
 It’s all Your Fault: 12 Tips for Managing People who
Blame Others for Everything, by Bill Eddy (HCI Press,
2009)
25

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Difficult conversations

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