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How to Pitch Bullshit

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Moritz Haarmann
Moritz Haarmann

How to pitch total bullshit? Answers in this comprehensive presentation. Held at the Android Devcamp 2011 in Stuttgart. #adcs2

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SUCCESS
HOW TO PITCH BULLSHIT Moritz Haarmann, @derwildemomo
How to Pitch Bullshit
Moritz Haarmann GTUG Stuttgart Founding Member Serial Entrepreneur & Routine Project Abandoner Social Media Expert Innovator!!!11!! Founder & CEO of Future adressable investment leads, inc ( F.A.I.L. )
What we talk about today Why it is necessary to learn how to pitch right Avoid failing Learn to think like business people Learn to act convincingly! Use Technology like a Pro ( PowerPoint ) How to analyze ideas
Success rate overview Win Fail 1 % 99 %
Why we need to do it. We need money For technological projects from people who just don‘t understand
Why it fails We communicate the wrong things We address business people the wrong way! => Let‘s do it right!
ADJUST YOUR COMMUNICATION Use rules! Algorithms! Jiha!
EXPLAIN LIKE THE ONE YOUR TALKING TO IS YOUR MOTHER IN LAW. „Mother-in-law-rule“
Mother-in-law-rule You just need to get along well with your mother in law She is, most likely, a total noob.
COMPLETELY ELIMINATE TECHNICAL/JARGON TERMS, EXCEPT WHEN IT IS A BUZZWORD. „Buzzword-Rule“
FOR EACH TECHNICAL TERM, USE 3 POSITIVE BUSINESS TERMS. Tech/Biz-Ratio-Rule
REAL-WORLD EXAMPLE
Bad Pitch „We are doing a Rails-based SaaS-Platform providing both a GWT-Frontend for Users and a JSON/OAuth based backend for developers to interact with our service, which helps finding bakeries nearby.“
Bad Pitch „We are doing a Rails-based SaaS-Platform providing both a GWT-Frontend for Users and a JSON/OAuth based backend for developers to interact with our service, which helps finding bakeries nearby.“
Bad Pitch „We are providing for Users to interact with our service, which helps finding bakeries nearby.“ So, you‘ve just invented the yellow pages? => fail.
Good pitch? Any ideas?
Good pitch „We aim to build a local social advertising platform, enabling millions of paying customers to explore the world of hand made quality bread in the premium section of an ever groing market.“. Mention the words ROI, Exit and Growth ( While pointing towards the sky ) regularly before and after pitching.
Better pitch Avoid textual content whenever possible Real leaders and executives just don‘t have the time There are, although, technologies that help you communicate your content
Charts 300 225 150 75 2007 0 2008 2009 2010
Charts Are, without a doubt, the secret of successful entrepreneurs and business guys. Although ugly, misleading and overused, we should use charts whenever possible.
ALWAYS USE 3 CHARTS IN ANY PRESENTATION. Three-Chart-Rule
Three Chart Rule For each third of your presentation or pitch, one chart. ( It is a secret code among business people to use three charts, an unwritten law. ) First Chart: Solely to demonstrate your capability of using and creating charts. Second chart: Linear growth Third chart: Explosive growth or pie chart.
YOUR IDEA sucks most likely.
IF IT IS COMPLICATED => sucks.
IF IT IS JUST LIKE SOMETHING ELSE it sucks. and you.
NO ONE NEEDS IT it sucks
IT DEALS WITH SELLING CUSTOMIZED STUFF it sucks really really hard.
ANYWAY.
Smart Idea Pimpin‘ Make extensive use of Buzzwords. Always. In your head. Web2.0, Social, Mobile and Cross-Media is a good starting point. Hands-On: Find yourself 5 Buzzwords you feel comfortable with. Become one with them.
Pitching all the time You need to be convinced of the bullshit your pitching you will fail hard if you are not. Failure is not an option.
ONE LAST THING
THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE It‘s great to be a nerd. Our ideas rock. We‘ll get it done ( tomorrow.. )
Indoor Temperature Dev. Winter Today 100 75 50 25 9:00 0 11:00 13:00 15:00 17:00
THANK YOU this was beta, btw.
Dieses Werk bzw. Inhalt steht unter einer Creative Commons Namensnennung-NichtKommerziell-KeineBearbeitung 3.0 Deutschland Lizenz.

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How to Pitch Bullshit

  • 2. HOW TO PITCH BULLSHIT Moritz Haarmann, @derwildemomo
  • 4. Moritz Haarmann GTUG Stuttgart Founding Member Serial Entrepreneur & Routine Project Abandoner Social Media Expert Innovator!!!11!! Founder & CEO of Future adressable investment leads, inc ( F.A.I.L. )
  • 5. What we talk about today Why it is necessary to learn how to pitch right Avoid failing Learn to think like business people Learn to act convincingly! Use Technology like a Pro ( PowerPoint ) How to analyze ideas
  • 6. Success rate overview Win Fail 1 % 99 %
  • 7. Why we need to do it. We need money For technological projects from people who just don‘t understand
  • 8. Why it fails We communicate the wrong things We address business people the wrong way! => Let‘s do it right!
  • 10. EXPLAIN LIKE THE ONE YOUR TALKING TO IS YOUR MOTHER IN LAW. „Mother-in-law-rule“
  • 11. Mother-in-law-rule You just need to get along well with your mother in law She is, most likely, a total noob.
  • 12. COMPLETELY ELIMINATE TECHNICAL/JARGON TERMS, EXCEPT WHEN IT IS A BUZZWORD. „Buzzword-Rule“
  • 13. FOR EACH TECHNICAL TERM, USE 3 POSITIVE BUSINESS TERMS. Tech/Biz-Ratio-Rule
  • 15. Bad Pitch „We are doing a Rails-based SaaS-Platform providing both a GWT-Frontend for Users and a JSON/OAuth based backend for developers to interact with our service, which helps finding bakeries nearby.“
  • 16. Bad Pitch „We are doing a Rails-based SaaS-Platform providing both a GWT-Frontend for Users and a JSON/OAuth based backend for developers to interact with our service, which helps finding bakeries nearby.“
  • 17. Bad Pitch „We are providing for Users to interact with our service, which helps finding bakeries nearby.“ So, you‘ve just invented the yellow pages? => fail.
  • 19. Good pitch „We aim to build a local social advertising platform, enabling millions of paying customers to explore the world of hand made quality bread in the premium section of an ever groing market.“. Mention the words ROI, Exit and Growth ( While pointing towards the sky ) regularly before and after pitching.
  • 20. Better pitch Avoid textual content whenever possible Real leaders and executives just don‘t have the time There are, although, technologies that help you communicate your content
  • 21. Charts 300 225 150 75 2007 0 2008 2009 2010
  • 22. Charts Are, without a doubt, the secret of successful entrepreneurs and business guys. Although ugly, misleading and overused, we should use charts whenever possible.
  • 23. ALWAYS USE 3 CHARTS IN ANY PRESENTATION. Three-Chart-Rule
  • 24. Three Chart Rule For each third of your presentation or pitch, one chart. ( It is a secret code among business people to use three charts, an unwritten law. ) First Chart: Solely to demonstrate your capability of using and creating charts. Second chart: Linear growth Third chart: Explosive growth or pie chart.
  • 26. IF IT IS COMPLICATED => sucks.
  • 27. IF IT IS JUST LIKE SOMETHING ELSE it sucks. and you.
  • 28. NO ONE NEEDS IT it sucks
  • 29. IT DEALS WITH SELLING CUSTOMIZED STUFF it sucks really really hard.
  • 31. Smart Idea Pimpin‘ Make extensive use of Buzzwords. Always. In your head. Web2.0, Social, Mobile and Cross-Media is a good starting point. Hands-On: Find yourself 5 Buzzwords you feel comfortable with. Become one with them.
  • 32. Pitching all the time You need to be convinced of the bullshit your pitching you will fail hard if you are not. Failure is not an option.
  • 34. THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE It‘s great to be a nerd. Our ideas rock. We‘ll get it done ( tomorrow.. )
  • 35. Indoor Temperature Dev. Winter Today 100 75 50 25 9:00 0 11:00 13:00 15:00 17:00
  • 36. THANK YOU this was beta, btw.
  • 37. Dieses Werk bzw. Inhalt steht unter einer Creative Commons Namensnennung-NichtKommerziell-KeineBearbeitung 3.0 Deutschland Lizenz.