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Parenting with Purpose Seminar Two

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1) The document discusses effective parenting strategies such as communication skills, co-parenting for separated families, and signs that a child may need professional help. 2) It provides guidelines for positive parent-child communication including listening, using simple language, and discussing important topics. 3) For separated families, it emphasizes the importance of children having relationships with both parents and avoiding parental conflict. Parents should speak positively about each other and keep children out of disputes. 4) Signs that a child may need professional help include a marked decline in school performance, severe anxiety, depression, threats of self-harm, and substance abuse in adolescents. Younger children may show excessive temper tantrums or aggression.

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PARENTING WITH PURPOSE Seminar Two – July 2014 Dr Gemma Russell Clinical Psychologist
Overview • Focus on a key aspect of positive parenting • Guidelines for healthy co-parenting in separated families • When is it time to get professional help?
Communication – Why is it important? Communication refers to the way verbal and non- verbal information is exchanged between family members. Effective communication is found to be protective in allowing the expression of needs, wants and concerns, and promoting positive coping. Whereas, unclear communication has been associated with excessive family conflict, ineffective problem solving, lack of intimacy, and weak emotional bonding.
Parent-Child Communication One of the most common problems with communication is when parents speak to their children like little adults Adult Child Thinking Logical Rational Abstract Pre-logical Irrational Concrete Language Advanced Indirect Implicit Simple Direct Explicit Sense of time Long-term Short-term
Effective Communication with Children (6) 1. Show interest by listening, paying attention and contributing - get physically on the same level - make eye contact - repeat back what you have heard 2. Use simple language, don’t assume they will follow your reasoning or understand the meaning 3. Be gentle, letting the conversation go where it will - sometimes this may not be cohesive, it is more important to reinforce talking than the construction
Effective Communication with Children (cont.) 4. Don’t feel like you always have to fix the problem or know the answer. Sometimes it is helpful to just listen and understand 5. Don’t be afraid to talk about important topics. You can play an important role in providing correction information, and helping your child develop their own ideas and values around important topics (i.e., sex, drugs, peer pressure, death, trust, commitment etc.) 6. Know when to stop. Attention span and interest level differs from adults. Easily can turn into a lecture thus associating communication with a negative experience.
Purpose of Communication (5) 1. Talking to exchange information (i.e., what time does footy training finish tonight?) 2. Talking to learn - spend the time - both listen and respond - let the talk go where it will - be warm and light 3. Talking to share feelings - listen to your child - acknowledge and help your child identify what they are feeling
Purpose of Communication (cont.) 4. Talking for specific action - explain, but at the right time not during the conflict - choose your battles (don’t over use requests, request only when it is important) 5. Use effective requests - direct requests only (i.e., how about you wash your hands vs. put your jacket on please) - positively stated (thus telling the child what “to do” rather than what “not to do”) - specific (i.e., be good vs. talk in a quiet voice) - one request at a time - simple (the child is able developmentally to perform the task) - follow through after a direct request (allows children to learn to predict the consequences)
Communication Reflective Exercise With the person next to you: - Introduce yourself, discuss the ages and gender of your child/ren - Reflect on how you communicate with your children? - Ways you intend to improve your parent-child communication? (becoming more effective through type and purpose)
Separated Families Co-parenting means that as parents you maintain a shared focus on your child’s wellbeing • Gatekeeping occurs when one parent helps or blocks the other parent in their parenting role - essentially “opening” or “closing” the other’s access to their children • Children need both their mother and father, with the quality of the parent-child relationship being more important than the quantity of time spent together
Separated Families – Co-parenting Making Separation Easier on Children • Encourage children’s time with the other parent, as well as extended family • Speak to your child about their other parent in ways that support that parent • Let your children talk about and show enthusiasm for the other parent’s home, and activities they share • Encourage your children not to blame the parent who left the home or started the separation • Acknowledge your child’s wish for a reunited family without offering false hope or insisting that it will never happen • Don’t try to mediate conflicts or involve yourself in disagreements between your child and the other parent • Try to not pump your child for information about the other parent • Remove your children from adult business by not involving them in communicating/passing on messages • Forward all emails concerning your children’s activities, including changes, cancellations, to the other parent
Separated Families – Co-parenting What Children Need • To know that they continue to be loved by both parents, even when times get difficult. Tell them again and again. • To be kept out of the middle of parents’ conflict (e.g., not being asked to take sides or to hear one parent discuss the other parent’s behaviour in an angry tone) • Parents who remain warm and affectionate, but consistent and firm in their discipline • To continue to have a relationship with both parents whenever possible • Help expressing feelings rather than behaving in angry or hurtful ways • To understand the changes that are happening in their family, but without hearing all the adult details about what led to the separation, what is difficult for parents, what parents are fighting about etc. • To be given support for staying involved I on their previous activities, friendships and interests
Co-parenting Reflective Exercise 1. What can you do to support your child’s relationship with the other parent? 2. What would you hope the other parent would do to support your relationship with the child? 3. Are there areas of conflict between you and the other parent that are based in your spousal relationship as opposed to your parenting relationship? If so, what will you do to change those interactions? 4. How will you share information about the child with the other parent?
Ways to Promote Positive Coping 1. Provide useful information for your child’s age 2. Avoid blame 3. Pay attention to child needs 4. Help children understand their feelings 5. Keep children out of the middle
When is it Time to Consider Professional Help? Guidelines by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Younger Children (<12 years) • Marked fall in school performance • Poor grades at school despite trying very hard • Severe worry or anxiety (i.e., refusal to go to sleep, school, to eat, or interferes with daily activities) • Frequent physical complaints • Hyperactivity, fidgeting, constant movement beyond normal playing without difficulty paying attention
When is it Time to Consider Professional Help? (cont.) Younger Children (<12 years) • Persistent nightmares • Persistent disobedience or aggression (longer than 6 months) or provocative opposition to authority figures • Frequent, unexplainable temper tantrums • Threatens to harm or kill oneself
When is it Time to Consider Professional Help? (cont.) Adolescents (>12 years) • Marked decline in school performance • Inability to cope with problems/daily activities • Marked changes in sleeping and/or eating habits • Extreme difficulties in concentrating • Sexual acting out • Depression shown by sustained, prolonged negative mood • Severe mood swings • Strong worries or anxieties • Repeated use of alcohol or drugs • Intense fear of becoming obese with no relationship to actual body weight, dieting, vomiting or laxative use to lose weight • Persistent nightmares
When is it Time to Consider Professional Help? (cont.) Adolescents (>12 years) • Threats of self-harm or harm to others • Self injury or self destructive behaviour • Frequent outbursts of anger, aggression • Repeated threats to run away • Aggressive or non-aggressive consistent violation of the rights of others, opposition to authority, truancy, theft or vandalism • Strange thoughts, beliefs, feelings or unusual behaviours
Contact Details Dr Gemma Russell Clinical Psychologist Director of Clever Minds Psychology Telephone – 03 9397 6016 Direct Cellphone – 0435854205 Email – gemma@clevermindspsychology.com.au

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Parenting with Purpose Seminar Two

  • 1. PARENTING WITH PURPOSE Seminar Two – July 2014 Dr Gemma Russell Clinical Psychologist
  • 2. Overview • Focus on a key aspect of positive parenting • Guidelines for healthy co-parenting in separated families • When is it time to get professional help?
  • 3. Communication – Why is it important? Communication refers to the way verbal and non- verbal information is exchanged between family members. Effective communication is found to be protective in allowing the expression of needs, wants and concerns, and promoting positive coping. Whereas, unclear communication has been associated with excessive family conflict, ineffective problem solving, lack of intimacy, and weak emotional bonding.
  • 4. Parent-Child Communication One of the most common problems with communication is when parents speak to their children like little adults Adult Child Thinking Logical Rational Abstract Pre-logical Irrational Concrete Language Advanced Indirect Implicit Simple Direct Explicit Sense of time Long-term Short-term
  • 5. Effective Communication with Children (6) 1. Show interest by listening, paying attention and contributing - get physically on the same level - make eye contact - repeat back what you have heard 2. Use simple language, don’t assume they will follow your reasoning or understand the meaning 3. Be gentle, letting the conversation go where it will - sometimes this may not be cohesive, it is more important to reinforce talking than the construction
  • 6. Effective Communication with Children (cont.) 4. Don’t feel like you always have to fix the problem or know the answer. Sometimes it is helpful to just listen and understand 5. Don’t be afraid to talk about important topics. You can play an important role in providing correction information, and helping your child develop their own ideas and values around important topics (i.e., sex, drugs, peer pressure, death, trust, commitment etc.) 6. Know when to stop. Attention span and interest level differs from adults. Easily can turn into a lecture thus associating communication with a negative experience.
  • 7. Purpose of Communication (5) 1. Talking to exchange information (i.e., what time does footy training finish tonight?) 2. Talking to learn - spend the time - both listen and respond - let the talk go where it will - be warm and light 3. Talking to share feelings - listen to your child - acknowledge and help your child identify what they are feeling
  • 8. Purpose of Communication (cont.) 4. Talking for specific action - explain, but at the right time not during the conflict - choose your battles (don’t over use requests, request only when it is important) 5. Use effective requests - direct requests only (i.e., how about you wash your hands vs. put your jacket on please) - positively stated (thus telling the child what “to do” rather than what “not to do”) - specific (i.e., be good vs. talk in a quiet voice) - one request at a time - simple (the child is able developmentally to perform the task) - follow through after a direct request (allows children to learn to predict the consequences)
  • 9. Communication Reflective Exercise With the person next to you: - Introduce yourself, discuss the ages and gender of your child/ren - Reflect on how you communicate with your children? - Ways you intend to improve your parent-child communication? (becoming more effective through type and purpose)
  • 10. Separated Families Co-parenting means that as parents you maintain a shared focus on your child’s wellbeing • Gatekeeping occurs when one parent helps or blocks the other parent in their parenting role - essentially “opening” or “closing” the other’s access to their children • Children need both their mother and father, with the quality of the parent-child relationship being more important than the quantity of time spent together
  • 11. Separated Families – Co-parenting Making Separation Easier on Children • Encourage children’s time with the other parent, as well as extended family • Speak to your child about their other parent in ways that support that parent • Let your children talk about and show enthusiasm for the other parent’s home, and activities they share • Encourage your children not to blame the parent who left the home or started the separation • Acknowledge your child’s wish for a reunited family without offering false hope or insisting that it will never happen • Don’t try to mediate conflicts or involve yourself in disagreements between your child and the other parent • Try to not pump your child for information about the other parent • Remove your children from adult business by not involving them in communicating/passing on messages • Forward all emails concerning your children’s activities, including changes, cancellations, to the other parent
  • 12. Separated Families – Co-parenting What Children Need • To know that they continue to be loved by both parents, even when times get difficult. Tell them again and again. • To be kept out of the middle of parents’ conflict (e.g., not being asked to take sides or to hear one parent discuss the other parent’s behaviour in an angry tone) • Parents who remain warm and affectionate, but consistent and firm in their discipline • To continue to have a relationship with both parents whenever possible • Help expressing feelings rather than behaving in angry or hurtful ways • To understand the changes that are happening in their family, but without hearing all the adult details about what led to the separation, what is difficult for parents, what parents are fighting about etc. • To be given support for staying involved I on their previous activities, friendships and interests
  • 13. Co-parenting Reflective Exercise 1. What can you do to support your child’s relationship with the other parent? 2. What would you hope the other parent would do to support your relationship with the child? 3. Are there areas of conflict between you and the other parent that are based in your spousal relationship as opposed to your parenting relationship? If so, what will you do to change those interactions? 4. How will you share information about the child with the other parent?
  • 14. Ways to Promote Positive Coping 1. Provide useful information for your child’s age 2. Avoid blame 3. Pay attention to child needs 4. Help children understand their feelings 5. Keep children out of the middle
  • 15. When is it Time to Consider Professional Help? Guidelines by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Younger Children (<12 years) • Marked fall in school performance • Poor grades at school despite trying very hard • Severe worry or anxiety (i.e., refusal to go to sleep, school, to eat, or interferes with daily activities) • Frequent physical complaints • Hyperactivity, fidgeting, constant movement beyond normal playing without difficulty paying attention
  • 16. When is it Time to Consider Professional Help? (cont.) Younger Children (<12 years) • Persistent nightmares • Persistent disobedience or aggression (longer than 6 months) or provocative opposition to authority figures • Frequent, unexplainable temper tantrums • Threatens to harm or kill oneself
  • 17. When is it Time to Consider Professional Help? (cont.) Adolescents (>12 years) • Marked decline in school performance • Inability to cope with problems/daily activities • Marked changes in sleeping and/or eating habits • Extreme difficulties in concentrating • Sexual acting out • Depression shown by sustained, prolonged negative mood • Severe mood swings • Strong worries or anxieties • Repeated use of alcohol or drugs • Intense fear of becoming obese with no relationship to actual body weight, dieting, vomiting or laxative use to lose weight • Persistent nightmares
  • 18. When is it Time to Consider Professional Help? (cont.) Adolescents (>12 years) • Threats of self-harm or harm to others • Self injury or self destructive behaviour • Frequent outbursts of anger, aggression • Repeated threats to run away • Aggressive or non-aggressive consistent violation of the rights of others, opposition to authority, truancy, theft or vandalism • Strange thoughts, beliefs, feelings or unusual behaviours
  • 19. Contact Details Dr Gemma Russell Clinical Psychologist Director of Clever Minds Psychology Telephone – 03 9397 6016 Direct Cellphone – 0435854205 Email – gemma@clevermindspsychology.com.au