Note
The Absolute Power
of Sports Medicine
JANE P. SHELDON
I
t happened in the first quartile of the game, when there
was a sudden distribution of falling bodies—a local
behavior that occurs with relatively high frequency in
college basketball. At that moment, star center Newman
Keuls’s jump discontinuity caused him to experience some
painful joint variation on the left-hand side. The instant
replay gave direct proof that the floor function had caused
his left leg’s rotation and skewness. Keuls’s fractional
expression was a radical sign that he was in severe pain.
Significant swelling and bruising of his knee contributed to
the effect size, so there was no denying the consequent.
The team doctor made the logical proposition that
Keuls’s leg would need to be union set in a linear association. However, he also quickly discerned that the disjoint
events occurring in Keuls’s knee were not the only injuries.
On Keuls’s torso the doctor could also see an inscribed
circle in the area below curves. The locus of this independent injury was next to the latus rectum, which is,
needless to say, a critical point. In this lateral surface area
there was a hole leading to the inner product. The locus
and partitions of this open wound shocked the physician,
for he was able to see numerous exposed chords, scalars,
fractals, dot products, and other odd functions. Due to
these critical values, he rushed Keuls to the emergency
room using optimal transport.
The emergency room staff adhered to l’Hôpital’s rule,
which necessitated that Keuls’s injuries received immediate,
standard action. First, the nurses used the washer method to
eliminate all residuals within the wound. Then, the surgeons
followed this discrete procedure with exhaustive linear
operations (the graphic methods of which I’ll spare you).
Fortunately, the operations on his knee and open wound
were without chance errors, and the doctors have total
confidence in the outcomes. In fact, the expected value of
these treatments is that they will result in a normal approximation, with no limits, of Keuls’s preinjury parameters.
After several months of rehabilitation, Keuls’s attitude is
excellent. According to the medical experts, there is a high
probability that he will recover quickly, gain full function,
once again don his uniform, and soon reach his prime.
University of Michigan-Dearborn
4901 Evergreen Rd.
Dearborn, MI 48128
USA
e-mail: jsheldon@umich.edu
Ó 2018 Springer Science+Business Media, LLC, part of Springer Nature, Volume 40, Number 4, 2018
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https://doi.org/10.1007/s00283-018-9831-5