The White Lotus (Sky Atlantic/Now)
Ever wondered what the smiling locals really think of you, as they take your money and serve your drinks in some sun-kissed holiday paradise?
Along the Mediterranean coast last year, anti-tourist protesters with megaphones and water pistols were making their feelings plain.
But in Thailand, the world’s smiliest vacation destination, any hostility is tactfully disguised.
‘You’ll notice a lot of bald white guys in Thailand,’ whispers one American guest as The White Lotus returns for a third season. ‘The locals call them LBHs... Losers Back Home.’
If all their visitors are as obnoxious as the ultra-privileged boatload who step on to the golden sands of a five-star Thai resort, you can’t blame the staff for despising them. You’ll hate them too... because that’s the fun of this decadent murder-mystery.
For all its glossy production values, exotic locations and big-name cast list, The White Lotus sticks to a successful formula.
It’s beautifully photographed, like a travel brochure for billionaires, but writer and director Mike White knows what we expect of him, and he delivers.
Before the opening titles roll, an unseen gunman (or gunwoman?) runs amok in the ‘wellness resort’.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Patrick Schwarzenegger at 'The White Lotus' Season 3 premiere in Los Angeles
(L-R) Carrie Coon, Morgana O'Reilly, Charlotte Le Bon, David Bernad, Sam Nivola, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Parker Posey, Nicholas Duvernay, Natasha Rothwell, Mike White, Arnas Fedaravius, Walton Goggins, Julian Kostov, Lisa, Sarah Catherine Hook, Tayme Thapthimthong, Leslie Bibb, Jason Isaacs, Shalini Peiris, Aimee Lou Wood and Lek Patravadi attend the Los Angeles Premiere of HBO Original Series 'The White Lotus'
Leslie Bibb and Aimee Lou Wood at 'The White Lotus' Season 3 premiere in Los Angeles
Amid the panic, one terrified young guest is searching frantically for his mother, as he plunges into a lily pond to dodge the bullets. And then a body floats past...
That leaves us, as the narrative backtracks a week to introduce the characters, wondering not only who the killer is but which of them will be the victim.
Jason Isaacs, last seen as Cary Grant in the ITV biopic, plays a big-shot financier called Timothy, indulging his daughter Piper (Sarah Catherine Hook) who claims the trip is essential for her university studies.
Highly strung wife Victoria (Parker Posey) and their sons Lochlan and Saxon tag along. It’s very obvious this family’s primary mission is keeping Dad happy.
His face is a picture of silent horror as their greeter asks them to surrender their phones and tablets:
‘We consider the hotel to be a digital detox area,’ she says sweetly. ‘That way you can just focus on being present.’
But the camera keeps focusing on Saxon, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son Patrick (looks 21, real age ten years older – it must be genetic).
Saxon is jaw-droppingly immature, staggeringly rude and obsessed with sex.
Walton Goggins at 'The White Lotus' Season 3 premiere in Los Angeles
Scene from the White Lotus. Aimee Lou Wood plays an alcoholic Mancunian hippy called Chelsea, stumbling along behind her much older boyfriend (Walton Goggins)
Patrick Schwarzenegger as Saxon in The White Lotus
When he steps out of the pool, convinced that everyone is looking at him, he doesn’t just flex his pecs but clutches the front of his trunks to make sure he’s looking his best.
Most of the women he approaches turn away in disgust. Saxon shrugs off rejection. ‘It’s a numbers game,’ he boasts, implying he’s bound to get lucky if he tries often enough.
The only person who can’t tear his eyes away from Saxon’s bare body is his younger brother Lochie (Sam Nivola).
To call their sibling rivalry strange is like saying Norman Bates and his mum had a weird relationship in Psycho.
Natasha Rothwell, who played spa manager Belinda in the first White Lotus season, is back, and so is another familiar face – but no spoilers until next week.
Aimee Lou Wood plays an alcoholic Mancunian hippy called Chelsea, stumbling along behind her much older boyfriend (Walton Goggins) who picks a fight with everyone he meets.
And a trio of competitive middle-aged school pals complete the cast: Leslie Bibb, Carrie Coon and Michelle Monaghan.
They’re likely to come to blows over the Russian masseur, Valentin. Three super-rich guests and only one masseur? What kind of a luxury resort is that?
The White Lotus airs from February 17 on Sky Atlantic/Now
