Brilliance

To you, from my authentic core, Amber Grady

You picked up this book for a reason. Maybe you know there is more meaning to life but can’t quite put your finger on it. It could be you want more for yourself—to live a happier, richer, more fulfilled life. Maybe you’re so consumed by your daily to-do list that you feel as if you’re out of time, energy, and options to do it a better way. Perhaps you are simply craving some peace of mind. If any of these sound familiar, this book is for you. It is your opportunity to understand first yourself and then others. It will help you control your own responses in any given situation, instead of feeling controlled by life’s circumstances.

The philosophy imbedded in these pages is not about fixing you, which would imply, in essence, that you are broken. Instead, this book is about rediscovering and uncovering the real you—your authentic core. This discovery process has no end, and there are no limits to what your life can become as you embark on this journey. My own journey is far from over as I continue to work on myself. In fact, I plan never to finish learning and growing. My hope is that this book helps you find your own authentic core and sets you on a path to the life of true brilliance that you are meant to have.

Opening

The Power of the Authentic Core

It’s crowded on the subway where two colleagues run into each other on the way to work. Corey and Lynn are same-level supervisors in different divisions in their company, and each is facing a similar problem with a staff member that will need to be handled that day. Corey looks relaxed and serene, and comments on the pleasures of the brilliant sunshine. Lynn’s face is pinched and drawn, and she mentions how poorly she slept the night before.

They separate as they reach their building. Corey enters her office with a breezy hello, spends a few minutes organizing her papers and scanning her e-mail, then asks to speak privately to her staff member. Without anger, blame, or hesitation, she clearly lays out the issue, explains what changes she expects, and asks if there are any questions. The employee gets defensive and makes excuses. Corey listens respectfully but is unwavering, again laying out her clear expectations. Her employee leaves feeling heard, but he understands what he needs to do. Corey’s day is off to a great start.

Lynn, on the other hand, anxiously expects a confrontation and anticipates the worst. She’s very worried about how her employee will react and is apprehensive about a possible conflict. As a result, she keeps finding reasons to put off the talk and engages in unproductive busywork to distract herself. She has been worrying about the problem all night and is suffering from lack of sleep. Lynn is not at her best to handle anything.

Finally late in the day, a situation arises involving her employee issue and a confrontation is sparked. In front of the rest of the office, Lynn becomes angry. She uses exaggerated and accusatory language when speaking to the employee. The employee feels unfairly attacked and is angry in return. They argue back and forth for a few minutes, then Lynn abruptly dismisses him and retreats to her office. Lynn has created a day of stress and anxiety for herself, and the issue is still not resolved. She faces another sleepless night berating herself for not handling the situation better. Corey and Lynn’s stories together illustrate many of the key concepts in the book you are about to read. Clearly, most of us would prefer Corey’s day over Lynn’s. If we had the means to act in Corey’s self-assured, centered, and effective manner, we would most likely choose to do that every time.

So how did Corey do it? What is her secret?

The answer is both simple and profound: Corey has discovered the clarity of her authentic core; Lynn has not.

What is our Authentic Core?

It is our true self. It is the essential wisdom that we each carry deep within us that will illuminate the path to a brilliant life if we only learn to tap into it.

Think of your authentic core as the radiance at the heart of an exquisite jewel. Its incandescent light seems to emanate with brilliance from its every stunning feature.

Each of us—without exception—has within us an equal center of brilliance, an authentic core. We each possess everything we need to unleash the power of our own inner radiance and create exhilarating lives of passion and authenticity. We need only learn to access it in order to transform our own lives as Corey clearly has done.

Many of us have experienced flashes of our authentic core. Think about it. When you feel worried or second-guess yourself, isn’t there often, somewhere deep inside, a sense or a soft voice telling you that you know the right thing to do? It’s when you disregard this internal calling that you distance yourself from truly realizing the full potential of a life lived authentically.

This book will show you:

• How to recognize and become familiar with your own authentic core;

• How to access your authentic core in your everyday life;

• Life skills that every authentic core individual has mastered—and how to make them yours;

• The overriding principles that guide an authentic core life.

Once you have learned the basics, you will be introduced to common situations that may challenge your core. In the past, you may have perceived these as obstacles. However, when you learn to recognize and effectively navigate them, you will begin to appreciate them as the valuable learning opportunities they actually are.

You may find these apparent challenges come from people you know—sometimes people on the edge of your life, but other times people you love dearly. You will learn how to recognize these situations and set appropriate limits, as well as learn when it is time to let go of them.

Discovering your authentic core is an adventure that may not always be easy, but it doesn’t have to be difficult either. It’s important to understand that at some point in your life, you may have consciously or unconsciously developed protective mechanisms to deal with situations you had trouble handling or weren’t equipped to deal with. These defenses that once took care of you may have developed into habits that no longer serve you. When this is the case, you block your authentic core, and the radiance of who you are begins to fade. But when you learn to let go of your old ways and access your authentic core, you will discover a new and empowered way of living. Your daily life will begin to flow with an ease and serenity you never thought possible.

It’s time to become the source of your own true brilliance and learn to live through the clarity of your own authentic core.

Part I

Authentic Core and the Truth of the Matter

Part I provides a more detailed description of your authentic core and its origin. With a fuller understanding of the basic concepts, you will be introduced to one of the key elements that operate in an authentic core life: clarity. A new truth will emerge—the truth that comes with clear inner vision and honest self-assessment.

Finally, you will learn several new and critical tools that will help you begin to turn the theoretical discussion of authentic core living into concrete, practical practices you can use in your everyday life.

Chapter 1:

Your Authentic Core Defined

A Strong Sense of Self Is Essential

What are the characteristics of an authentic core individual? First, he or she will have a strong sense of self. These are individuals who are not defined by what others think of them but are people whose self-worth comes from within. They are not victims of their relationships, environments, or circumstances but are individuals who have a clear vision of how they want to experience life and assume ultimate responsibility to manifest it. In essence, authentic core individuals know with clarity who they are and who they are not.

A strong sense of self enables you to maintain an objective point of view. It helps you distinguish facts from emotions, so you can execute the best possible action. If you lose perspective or feel you’re being pulled off balance by a situation, a strong sense of self gives you the wherewithal to do a quick assessment of yourself and the situation, and realign with that clear vision of who you are. If in the process you were able to stay balanced at all, you’re off to a good start. If not, you can try again.

The stronger your sense of self, the more skilled and emotionally mature you will be so that you can naturally avoid dysfunctional ways of coping with others’ anxiety, including circumventing dis-ease physical manifestations as a reaction to stressful relationships or situations. In fact, a strong sense of self enables you to maintain a healthy sense of humor and not take yourself and life too seriously.

Define Yourself—Self-Differentiated Individual

The authentic core individual has learned to distinguish himself or herself from others through self-differentiation. Self-differentiation refers to the way a person independently defines himself or herself from someone else while effectively functioning in various relationships and situations.

Self-differentiated individuals recognize that life requires interaction with others but does require reacting to the will of others. They think from an I position, meaning they are emotionally mature and know they are responsible for their own life. Their internal dialogue may include thoughts like, This is my life, and I am responsible for it. I am accountable for the decisions I make, and I will deal with the situation.

Self-differentiated individuals are open-minded and at the same time are able to stand by their own beliefs, values, and convictions. They remain open to other views in an effort to see all sides of an issue. By basing their decisions and actions on facts rather than emotions, they are able to stay centered in who they are and have the clarity to think for themselves. Instead of adopting the attitude of those around them or being swayed by external pressures, problems, or anxieties, they acknowledge these influences and skillfully maintain what they believe in without blaming others. They honestly evaluate their role in situations and openly take responsibility for themselves, including their mistakes. They act thoughtfully and interact with others for the highest good. Fundamentally, their aim is to maintain a strong sense of self while staying connected to others.

Individuals with low self-differentiation tend to depend on others’ approval and acceptance and are likely to be entangled with the emotions of others. Individuals who live their lives at this less-functional end of the emotional scale are likely to behave impulsively more often than rationally. When their anxiety escalates, they often become more enmeshed in the dysfunction of their circumstances, which can lead to behaviors such as fear, withdrawal, indecisiveness, blaming, defensiveness, rigidity, or being argumentative. With this, their overall capacity to act effectively disintegrates.

In contrast, self-differentiated individuals positively interact with others in stressful as well as calm situations. They look out for one another’s welfare and work together for the higher good. With time, a concerted effort, and practice, anyone can become skilled at achieving a high level of emotional functioning and self-differentiation.

Organizations benefit when their leaders, as well as other individuals, are highly differentiated. The more the leaders possess a healthy self-differentiation, the more likely the organization will survive and thrive. When this happens, individuals are more collaborative and creative, the system is more flexible and adaptable, and the chances for success are greater.

Envision the Self You Want to Be

The process of becoming an authentic core individual involves setting a clear vision of the self you want to be, what it