The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: The Narcissism Series, #1

Preface

Are you in a romantic relationship or coming out of one that is incredibly confusing and makes you feel like you’re going crazy?

Does your mother appear amazing to everyone else, but growing up you felt alone, found it hard to have your own identity, and you felt like things were always your fault?

Did you feel like you walked on eggshells growing up with your dad and still find it hard to connect with him, but people have always told you how lucky you are to have a dad like yours?

Do you have a boss or coworker who everyone thinks is great, but after years of working with them, you find yourself experiencing a lot of anxiety, never feeling good enough, and questioning your own sanity?

Has someone told you your loved one might be a narcissist? You’ve done some research, but are confused because the person you are wondering about doesn’t come across as a self-absorbed, arrogant, over-the-top person who fits the description of a narcissist?

If any of these scenarios resonates, you could be dealing with a covert narcissist. This is the hardest type of narcissist to diagnose because they are so disguised, so covert.

Covert narcissism is the most insidious form of narcissism because the abuse is so hidden. Most people don’t even realize they are being abused when they are in these relationships. The life inside them is slowly depleted over time as a result of devaluing tactics by the narcissist. Their self-worth is beaten down. There are no visible scars, but the impact these people have on you is profound.

You have been emotionally and psychologically abused and you are often the only one to see this side of them while everyone around the narcissist thinks they are great. This furthers your confusion and minimizes your pain.

One reason covert narcissists are so damaging is because of cognitive dissonance. This is when you have two competing thoughts in your mind. You love your mom, spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend and thought they loved you the same. Yet when you look back, their behaviors make you question your beliefs about them. As you reflect, you begin to wonder, Could this person really have been controlling and manipulating me for years and I didn’t see it…or were things really my fault and I’m just overdramatizing my experience? You have a solid belief that has formed over years that this is a good person who cares about you, and at the same time, they are being incredibly cruel and controlling. The cognitive dissonance is dizzying and crazy-making.

The overt types of narcissists are obvious, in-your-face people. They will let others know how great they are. When their mask comes off, others around them roll their eyes and say, Oh, yeah, he’s terrible.

On the other hand, covert narcissists tend to be well-liked. They are charming and kind. They appear humble and empathetic. They can be good listeners and appear to really care. You can feel incredibly loved by them. They simultaneously make you feel terrible about yourself. They use cloaked tactics that you don’t see for years.

It is common for people to be in romantic relationships with covert narcissists for more than 10, 20, 30, or even 40 (plus) years and not recognize the abuse they have endured for decades.

This is especially devastating when it is a family member. Sometimes you are the only one who sees it when your siblings still think their dad or mom is amazing and blame you for a plethora of issues. You feel like you must be missing something and you start minimizing the abuse, yourself. If no one else sees it, it must be you who is the problem.

This type of abuse does not look as messy as it really is. It is so invisible it’s hard to put your finger on what is wrong.

If you relate to any of this, you are not alone, and you can trust yourself.

I went through years of confusion and cognitive dissonance, myself. I have been involved with several covert narcissists in my life.

Years ago, I searched for answers to help with my own confusion. I read a lot of books on narcissism, but could not find any on the covert type. After years of piecing together information from various sources, I decided to write the book I had needed and couldn’t find so other survivors would have the information that would help you heal, all in one place.

In preparation for this book, I interviewed more than 100 survivors. I did in-depth research on the topic because I wanted to make sure this book would be accurate, comprehensive, and incredibly helpful for you. You deserve that.

As I met more and more people who have experienced this type of relationship, my heart was affected tremendously. Witnessing their pain, their wounded hearts, and their strength was humbling and brought out a fierceness in me that made me want to make this the most helpful book I possibly could.

In the following pages, I explain the traits of a covert narcissist. I share lots of stories from people I’ve interviewed to illustrate the traits. All the names have been changed and details altered so their identities are protected.

I facilitate a support group in my area and have seen how important stories are. When I begin the meetings, I often ask what they are hoping to get out of the evening. Most people say, Stories! I need to hear stories so I know I’m not crazy. You will read plenty of stories in this book to help you recognize things you have experienced and help validate the truth of what you have been through.

I also spend a lot of time talking about healing. If you have read this far, my hunch is you have probably been through or are going through a tremendously difficult and crazy-making experience with a covert narcissist. You deserve to find clarity and ultimately heal the wounds this relationship has caused.

Being with a covert narcissist can take you far away from the person you really are. My hope is this book will help bring you back to your stunning self.

May you find all the answers you are looking for and come to a place of freedom and peace. That may not feel possible right now, but trust me, it is.

With so much love,

Debbie Mirza

Introduction

Is your husband a narcissist?

No! I would never use that word to describe him. He’s the nicest guy. Everybody loves him. You would love him if you met him.

Yes, that’s what they are like. The divorce attorney saw Amy’s confused face, walked closer to her and said with concern, I am seeing a lot of classic signs, Amy. I suggest when you get home, you get a hold of as much information as you can about narcissists because you need to know what you’re dealing with.

Amy left the appointment in a daze. Narcissist? That was the last word she would have used to describe her husband of more than 30 years. She had always seen him as kind, someone she respected. Their relationship wasn’t perfect, but most of the time she would have described it as a good marriage. She felt lucky to be with someone so easygoing. However, his behavior over the past year had been vastly different from the man she thought she knew. So many things didn’t make sense. The way he was treating her was so hurtful, disturbing, and utterly confusing. Then suddenly, he was done with her. The end of the marriage was shocking and incredibly confusing.

When Amy first met her husband, she felt lucky to have met such a great guy. He was kind. He talked about his feelings. He listened to her, asked her questions about herself, and really wanted to know her. Her family and friends loved him and felt so happy she had met someone like him.

It was remarkable how alike they were. It all felt so easy. The first year they dated was pure bliss. Then things became difficult, but that was because of outside circumstances, Amy always believed. They worked through things. Their communication was great, she thought. They had some issues, but always talked about things. She considered him her best friend.

Recently, though, Amy’s husband had been treating her in ways she had never experienced. This man she had seen as kind and loving had become incredibly cruel and aggressive toward her. He was continuously telling her all the things he believed were wrong with her and blaming her for making it impossible for their marriage to work. All of this seemed to come out of nowhere. After 30 years, he moved out and made sure she knew how much happier he was without her. It didn’t seem to bother him at all that this was ending. He wanted out, and according to him, it was all her fault.

Amy decided to take her attorney’s advice, reading books as well as articles on narcissism, hoping this might be the piece that would finally make sense of this confusing puzzle.

When Amy read the descriptions of narcissists, she kept thinking, That doesn’t sound like him. Each book described someone who was flashy, drove expensive cars, liked to show off their fancy homes, people who were aggressive, annoying, and obviously self-centered. She read stories of gaslighting that seemed extreme. At the same time, amidst the grandiose images, there were some things that did sound like her husband.

Amy read the basic traits—lack of empathy, rage, lacking a strong sense of self, controlling, manipulative, selfish. She began to feel like her eyes were opening to things she had not seen previously.

Even though Amy believed her marriage was good, she had spent years doubting herself, believing she was to blame for issues that did arise in the marriage. Now, the way she was being treated felt wrong, even though she still wondered if the things he was saying about her were true. He seemed so confident and sounded so rational. His words to her were cruel, but they were also mixed with loving words that made it even more confusing. When she was in conversations with him, her body felt muddled and even nauseated at times. It was hard for her to think clearly. She felt run over and talked down to by him. The words that came out of him were demeaning. He would teach her about life and how she needed to be.

Amy found herself calling close friends and family and asking them questions like:

Am I controlling and manipulative like he’s saying I am and I just don’t see it? Am I inconsiderate? Maybe I have been selfish? I can’t think clearly. I can’t even see what is true about me anymore.

Amy needed reminders of who she really was because she felt like she was losing her mind. While she was feeling incredibly emotional and unstable, he was calm and rational, which made her question herself even more.

Amy became a voracious reader about narcissism. She also went to a therapist who was an expert on the subject. The therapist asked odd questions like:

Did your husband forget things a lot, like when you would ask him to pick up some apples while he was at the store?

Yes! About 70% of the time. When he would go to a coffee shop I would ask if he could get me some water while he was in there. He would happily say ‘Sure!’ About 7 out of 10 times he would come back to the car with no water and say, ‘Oh! I’m so sorry. I totally forgot.’ He seemed like he felt bad each time. I would always tell him it was okay. I felt frustrated and confused because it happened so often, but I didn’t feel like it was okay for me to be upset because it was an honest mistake. Is this common with narcissists?

Yes. Very. Did he ever go back and get you water?

No. Never. I never thought about that.

What about your birthdays? the therapist asked. What were those like with him?

They were awful. But the thing is I can’t tell you exactly why. Amy’s face scrunched up in confusion. He wasn’t mean to me. He always bought me gifts. Sometimes took me out to dinner. For some reason, though, I ended up crying on my birthdays and apologizing to him for something. I don’t even remember why now. Maybe not being appreciative enough? He would buy me things, but many times they were things I didn’t want. Then he would tell me a long story about how he found this gift and all the thought and effort that went into it, and I would feel like I needed to have a big reaction even though it was something I never would have wanted. Then I’d feel bad because I was being shallow and not grateful. Birthdays were always disappointing, and I was glad when they were over. They wore me out for some reason. It never felt like he enjoyed celebrating me, treating me. He always seemed irritated that he had to do things for me. Sometimes he would spend a lot of money and get me something grandiose. It actually stressed me out because of the amount of money he used. I didn’t feel like I could say anything because of all the trouble he had gone to.

When he gave you big things or made grandiose gestures, were other people around to see?

Well, when I think about it, yes. Always… That’s interesting. I never thought about that. I don’t remember any private moments where he would give me something special that showed how well he knew me and how much he loved me. I didn’t feel loved on my birthdays, looking back.

With each question, Amy realized she must learn more.

One day, after telling her story to another therapist who had a lot of experience with narcissistic abuse, Amy heard a term she had not seen in her research that changed everything for her. The therapist said, It sounds like your husband is a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist. Those are the hardest to recognize.

Amy felt chills go up her spine. Please tell me more about that.

Everything began to make sense for the first time. Hearing covert passive-aggressive in front of the word narcissist gave her the missing piece she needed for her quest to understand what was happening. It sent her on a journey that would change her life forever, and ultimately bring her the clarity and healing she so desperately needed and deserved.

Amy now leads men and women through different healing modalities for narcissism in the mountains of Peru and feels tremendously fulfilled and happy. Years ago, when she first discovered the truth of her marriage, she never would have imagined she would someday feel so free and happy. She now has a glow about her that inspires others and gives them hope. She knows who she is and has learned to trust herself implicitly.

Amy was one of the women I interviewed as part of my research for this book. Her story reflects what I heard from so many who have experienced a relationship with a covert narcissist.

If you are reading this, I imagine you might relate to part of Amy’s story, maybe even a lot of it. You may be on your own search, trying to make sense of a very confusing person in your life. This book is for you, to give you clarity, strength, and understanding. It will educate you as well as give you hope.

The word narcissist is thrown around a lot and grossly misused. He’s so narcissistic! Oh, yeah, I was with a narcissist too! People often use this word to describe someone who is selfish and arrogant. The true definition goes much deeper, and when the word is so carelessly used, it diminishes the painful reality of victims of true narcissists. Someone who has experienced a true narcissist would never toss the word around so lightly.

We tend to label people a lot, and that can be destructive, but in this case, the label is important. When victims are looking for answers and they finally discover their partner or parent or coworker might be a covert narcissist, so many things begin to make sense. It is incredibly helpful in understanding and starting to heal.

I was talking about healing and restoration to one survivor I interviewed. Through tears, she looked at me. Her voice shaking, she asked, Do you think it’s even possible? It is for this woman and so many others like her that I have written this book. Profound healing and freedom are absolutely possible. I, along with so many others, am proof of this. There is hope. The healing you will experience is profound and will bring you to a strong place inside yourself.

Both genders are affected by this destructive personality disorder. I interviewed women and men who have experienced this abuse. Most people I talked to struggled to describe the relationship. There was a perpetual confused look on each face.

This is common. It can be difficult to explain because the abuse is so hidden and subtle. They weren’t yelled at or physically abused. There are no visible scars. Yet the impact it makes on the psyche is profound. Like the people I interviewed, I have also experienced covert narcissists (several, actually). I know what it’s like to be subtly abused for a long time without recognizing it. I also know what it’s like trying to find information on the covert type. You think you are on the right track after discovering narcissistic personality disorder, but then you read things that are not completely what you experienced. You read about aggressive behavior, physical abuse, dramatic stories of deception, and you think