Raising Black Boys

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Preface

Parents and guardians of boys, as you read this book, keep in mind the one major indicator of your son’s overall well being: his spirit. Too many of our boys are suffering from broken spirits. During the preschool and kindergarten years, our boys are energetic and curious, they love learning and ask thousands of questions, and there’s a glow in their eyes. For your son’s sake, always make sure the glow remains in his eyes. Don’t let school or any institution or any person break your son’s spirit. It is impossible to reach your full potential if your spirit has been broken—if you are no longer curious, if you no longer possess enthusiasm, if your eyes have grown dim.

I also want you to keep in mind that the three greatest influences on your son are peer pressure, rap music, and television. You must do everything within your power to monitor your son’s friends, his music, and favorite television programs.

Chapter 1: Framework

Fathers know when it’s time for sons to leave home. Mothers know the time for their daughters.

Why does parent involvement in school decline as the child grows older?

What is the difference between a male, a boy, and a man?

Are you raising a sperm donor or a daddy?

Are you raising a scholar or a thug?

Are you raising an honor roll student or a class clown?

Are girls smarter than boys?

Are girls more responsible than boys?

Are girls more focused and organized than boys?

Your son’s primary job is to be a student.

The future of the Black race lies in the hands of White female teachers and single-parent mothers.

Show me your son’s friends, and I will show you his future.

Many boys believe their four best career options are the NBA, NFL, being a rapper, or becoming the first drug dealer never to be caught.

The greatest gift you can give your son is to introduce him to Jesus.

There’s a rumor that in Asian and Jewish homes, any grade less than an A means that changes will have to be made. In White homes, anything less than a B means that changes will be made. Unfortunately, in Black homes, as long as you pass, everything is okay.

What are your expectations of your son?

How long can your son stay in your house?

Boys who lack goals, make silly mistakes.

Mothers who act like girlfriends nag and negotiate with their sons.

Parenting is a 24/7 job that lasts a minimum of 18 years. If you don’t parent correctly, your son may be with you for the rest of your life.

The teacher has your son for 180 days. You have your son for a minimum of 18 years.

Is there a connection between the schoolhouse track and the jailhouse track?

You must be very careful with the large, insecure male ego.

Do not let anyone break your son’s spirit.

Why are boys bored with school?

Do female teachers design a female classroom for male students?

Every boy needs a male role model. You can’t be what you have not seen. Boys will be what they see.

Boys love video games because losses are private.

Males compete in areas where they believe they have a chance of winning.

Items in scholars’ homes are different from those in the homes of thugs, clowns, pimps, and ball players.

Do you have more books than CDs in your house?

The car note should never exceed the rent or mortgage.

It is not the size or gender of the parent but his or her self-respect.

The quality of your conversation is a critical aspect of raising your son.

Do your son’s friends know him better than you do?

Governors determine prison growth based on fourth grade reading scores.

There are two critical times when boys will challenge you: ages 2 and 12. You must be ready for the challenges or they will never respect you.

Is your son suffering from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) or DDD (Dad Deficiency Disorder)?

Dads, whatever happens in your marriage, don’t divorce your kids.

If you want your son to stay with you forever, don’t make him do chores, and don’t teach him how to run a household.

Many fatherless boys are aggressive and possess a derogatory attitude toward females.

Is marriage only for White people? Is shacking primarily for Black people?

Do mothers have 25,000 words to share with their sons, and fathers less than 10,000?

Is it wrong for Don Imus and other Whites to use the N, H, and B words but okay for your son to use them?

A sperm donor who only stays for 18 seconds has no right to call himself a father. A (step)father who stays forever should not be denied the right of calling himself a father.

In the past, children were raised by parents. Today many are reared by live-in boyfriends, girlfriends, and indefinite fiancés.

Is the village strong enough to raise its boys given the fact that 68 percent of them lack fathers in the home?

Why do some parents give their sons a choice between playing basketball or attending a mentoring program; hanging out or being tutored; playing video games or attending a rites of passage program?

This may be the first generation of Black boys to never leave home.

The chances of a lukewarm Christian parent developing a son on fire for the Lord are remote.

The best classroom is your living room. A son will treat his wife or significant other based on what he saw at home.

Parents must have higher goals and expectations for their sons than just avoiding jail.

Your son is not your property to be withheld from his father because you want to hurt your ex.

Fathers, you are the most important role models in your sons’ lives.

Mothers, do you see your son as a future husband and father?

The future of your son will be determined by how much idle time you allow him to have.

The problem is not with our boys but with parents who lack self-esteem and a plan to raise them.

Adult males who are unemployed or can’t keep a job were not required as boys to get up early and do chores well.

Boys measure everything they do or say by one yardstick: does this make me look weak?

When a grown man cries in therapy, it is almost always about his father.

Around the age of 12, a boy picks a man to admire and imitates him for the rest of his life.

Do we have more male homosexuals because not all males want to be hard, thuggish, and athletic?

Does the Black male peer group reject males who make the honor roll, are active in the science fair, sing in the choir, and hate sports?

Your son’s diet will dictate whether he dies of heart disease, cancer, or diabetes.

Is there a relationship between a mama’s boy and a shacker?

Is there a relationship between a mama’s boy and a pimp?

Is television raising our boys to be homosexuals?

Is gangsta rap raising our boys to disrespect women?

The average father only spends seven minutes a day talking to his children. The average mother only spends 34 minutes a day talking to her children.

Are parents today more self-centered than they were in the past?

What are the implications of these numbers: 0, 13, 26, and 39? The infant is 0 years, the mother is 13, the grandmother is 26, and the great grandmother is 39.

What do the following numbers mean: 28, 30, 2, and 4? Don’t get married until you’re 28, wait at least 2 years before you have children, only have 2 children, and spread them 4 years apart.

Boys will be boys (if you let them).

No job is more important than parenting.

Are you teaching your son to get a good education in order to land a good job or to develop a good business?

Sons do not need parents to be their buddies and to party together. They need parents to act like adults, demand respect, and have a plan for their lives.

Does your son know that sagging pants reflect prison culture, where inmates can’t wear belts? Does he also know that showing your underwear in prison notifies inmates that you’ve been raped and are available to other men?

What slavery did not do to the Black family has been done by crack cocaine.

It is easier to raise boys than to fix men.

When a boy is born, he needs female nurturing.

When he becomes older, he needs male mentoring.

The most important lesson to teach your son is self-discipline.

In studying great people, I found that someone in their family was crazy about them.

Teach your son to honor women.

Chapter 2: Trends

Moments in America for Black Children

Every 4 seconds a public school student is suspended.*

Every 39 seconds a public school student is corporally punished.*

Every 40 Seconds a high school student drop out.*

Every minute a child is arrested.

Every minute a baby is born to an unmarried mother.

Every 2 minutes a baby is born into poverty.

Every 4 minutes a baby is born to a mother who is not a high school graduate.

Every 5 minutes a baby is born without health insurance.

Every 5 minutes a baby is born to a teen mother.

Every 7 minutes a baby is born at low birthweight.

Every 13 minutes a child is arrested for drug abuse.

Every 15 minutes a child is arrested for violent crimes.

Every hour a baby dies before his first birthday.

Every 5 hours a child or teen dies in an accident.

Every 8 hours a child or teen is killed by a firearm.

One Day in America Among Black Children

3 children or teens are killed by firearms.

22 babies die before their first birthdays.

64 second or subsequent babies are born to teen mothers.

96 children are arrested for violent crimes.

113 children are arrested for drug abuse.

217 babies are born at low birthweight.

289 babies are born to teen mothers.

276 babies are born without health insurance.

394 babies are born to mothers who are not high school graduates.

633 high school students drop out.*

643 public school students are corporally punished.*

697 babies are born into poverty.

1,158 babies are born to unmarried mothers.

1,286 children are arrested.

6,222 public school students are suspended.*

Five thousand preschool children are expelled annually; 90 percent are male.

African American boys comprise 8.5 percent of the U.S. population but 33 percent of the students suspended, expelled, and placed in special education.

Female students earn 60 percent of all As in American education. Male students earn 70 percent of all Ds and Fs.

Ninety-nine percent of all preschool teachers are female. Ninety percent of all elementary school teachers are female. Sixty-four percent of all high school teachers are female.

There are more than 800,000 African American males in college. There are more than 1.6 million African American females in college. African American females graduate at a 10 percent higher rate than African American males.

Eight-six percent of NBA players are African American. Only 2 percent of engineers and doctors are African American.

Twenty-five percent of Black male youth are unemployed.

In 1980, one of every ten African American males was involved in the penal system. In 2007, one of every three African American males is involved in the penal system. It is projected that in 2020, two of every three African American males will be involved in the penal system.

One out of every ten African American males is a victim of homicide.

African American males comprise 12 percent of the U.S. population but represent 43 percent of all AIDS victims.¹

I speak at many graduations, and I’ve observed the following averages:

Please note that with each passing graduation, African American females are expanding the gap. We must save our boys.

* Based on calculations per school day (180 days of seven hours each)

© 2007 Children’s Defense Fund

Chapter 3: Parenting Quiz

Honestly grade yourself between an A and an F on the following questions. Show your paper to your son.

Have you helped your son develop career goals?

Are you consistent in your support of him?

Do you give your son quality time?

Do you give your son praise and encouragement?

Do you have high expectations of your son?

Do you monitor and check your son’s homework?

How frequently do you visit your son’s school?

Do you monitor your son’s friends?

Do you monitor your son’s music?

Do you monitor your son’s television viewing?

Is your son disciplined?

Do you give him affection?

Have you taught him his history and culture?

How well do you listen to your son?

Have you provided him with good nutrition?

Does he receive adequate sleep?

How well does he do chores?

Do you take him on field trips?

Have you provided him a safe environment?

Have you taught him morality and values?

Chapter 4: Black Families

It was another busy morning in the Davidson home. Grandmother Yvonne was preparing breakfast for Darryl, her grandson. Her daughter Marie had gone to work already. After work, Marie would go straight to class at the local college. On the days when she had class, she usually didn’t get home until after 9:00 pm.

Darryl hurried to finish showering and put on his clothes. He was starving, and the smells coming up from the kitchen made his stomach growl. He ran down the stairs. Morning, Grandmama! he said. He looked for his homework to see who had initialed his paper, his mother or his grandmother.

Darryl asked, When will I see Mama? Does she have class tonight?

You know this is your mama’s late night, said his grandmother. But don’t worry, I’ll be home when you get here. I’ll have a nice dinner waiting for you, and I’ll try my best to check your math problems. I never was any good in math, especially fractions and decimals, but I’ll do the best I can.

Darryl smiled at his grandmother. He gobbled down his breakfast and flew out the door to get to school on time.

***

The school bus drove up the circular drive to the mansion. Richard got off the bus, pulled out his key, and opened the door to his beautiful house. As usual, no one was home. His mother was a senior purchasing agent for a Fortune 500 company. His father was a high-powered attorney and a partner in a law firm. They both worked long hours. He probably wouldn’t see them until 7:00 or 8:00 pm this evening.

Richard went into the kitchen and made a sandwich. He took his snack to his beautiful bedroom and turned on the television to watch 106 & Park and College Hill on BET. He opened his book bag and pulled out his books and notebooks. He had a lot of homework to do tonight. Richard is a master at doing homework while watching television.

***

James was awakened early one morning by the angry sounds of his mother and her boyfriend arguing, again, downstairs. This was the third boyfriend in two years, and it bothered James. When James was only seven, one of her boyfriends had tried to beat him up. The man had been loud and disrespectful toward his mother. He had even pushed her around some, and James didn’t like it. James paid for trying to defend his mother, and here she was, at it again.

More than anything, James wanted this new boyfriend to leave, just so he could go into the kitchen and make a quick breakfast before going to school. James wished he could live with his father, but unfortunately, his father didn’t seem to want to spend time with him.

***

Thirteen-year-old Kevin lived in a foster home. He had lived in four foster homes over the past eight years. But today was his day. A family was interested in adopting Kevin. They wanted one final visit just to see if Kevin would adjust to them. The social worker told him that if he wanted a family, he’d better be on his best behavior during the interview. Once, years ago, another family had considered adopting Kevin. Unfortunately, they decided to adopt a girl. The father said, in front of Kevin, that it was nothing personal but girls were easier to raise than boys. Kevin never forgot that statement. He could understand a woman saying that, but why would a man say it’s easier to raise a girl than a boy?

***

As the above stories illustrate, the Black family is not monolithic. The media has developed the image of the Black family over the years as poor and downtrodden. Many criticized Bill Cosby’s TV family, the Huxtables, as an unrealistic portrayal of the Black family simply because they were wealthy and both parents were highly educated professionals. Many viewers felt the show promoted an anomaly—namely, a wealthy African American family. That is why when a program is aired about poverty or welfare, the statistics and images are mostly about the 16 million poor Blacks and Latinos in America while failing to mention the 24 million poor Whites.

The Black family is not monolithic. Consider the following statistics:

Ten percent of African American families earn more than $100,000 per year.

Twenty-five percent of African American families earn between $50,000 and $99,000 per year.

Forty-two percent of African American families earn between $20,000 and $49,000 per year.

Thirty-three percent of African American families earn less than $20,000 per year.

The Black family is not monolithic. Our boys are being raised in a variety of family configurations, and that transcends income.

Thirty-two percent of African American children live in homes with either a biological parent and a stepmother or stepfather.

Sixty-eight percent of African American children live in a single-parent home.

Ninety percent of single-parent homes are headed by mothers. Ten percent of single-parent homes are headed by fathers. (Some 400,000 African American males are single parents, yet the media are silent.)

Eight percent of African American children are reared by grandparents.

Two percent of African American children are reared in interracial homes.

Some 320,000 African American children are reared by foster parents.²

Black family income levels range from very poor to very rich and all levels in between. Black families live in all types of geographic settings, from the inner city to the suburbs. More than one million African American children are being reared in rural environments.

My goal is to address all Black families in this book because our boys deserve a fair and equitable chance to succeed in life, no matter their family structure and income, no matter where they are being raised. We should not assume that Black boys in affluent suburbs have a greater chance of success than in the inner city, rural communities, and small towns. If the adults in their lives are committed to their growth and development, they can succeed anywhere.

I am often asked by middle-income school districts to fix their Black male students. They mistakenly assume that income is the great equalizer, but that’s not true. In fact, African American parents and educators have discovered, to their dismay, that the achievement gap is actually wider in affluent suburbs than in the inner city. Let’s not assume that degreed parents who earn more than $100,000 a year and live in an affluent suburb