Panic Disorder - the Choice and Willpower to Survive
By Suf Supiani
()
About this ebook
We all have a limit to tolerance. We may think our capacity for tolerance is huge. However, our body has a different opinion and reacts to your troubles. This book was written in the hope to help people around the world facing stress in their life and to balance life so as to prevent panic disorder to ever happen.
A cluttered mind is like a piece of onion. Over the years, even small, unresolved issues become layers, and if we do not make an effort to eliminate them fast, they linger. We need to peel them off consciously.
The heart connects more strongly with the mind compared to a vivid eyesight. A diagnosis on your mental condition is not much different from a diagnosis on any other serious medical condition. Only through acceptance, the next step of procuring a better and happier life in a long or short period of time can this be achieved.
By accepting who you are, you become free, and freedom is power. Be mindful that there is hope. You need to believe in yourself more than anyone else can. Never allow anyone to take your dreams away.
It is important to identify the cycle that triggers the anxiety and panic attacks, especially the vicious ones. Upon identifying, break it and change the cycle. In other words, the diagnosis may actually turn out to be the best thing that happened to you!
While only patients can actually know how it feels, caregivers should continuously believe in and focus on the strengths of the patient. If you can raise their self-esteem with words of encouragement and touches of love, your support becomes invaluable.
Suf Supiani
Sufyan is an animal lover and rescuer. He had contributed to the society with mental health advocacy works in Singapore. With that, he had written songs and officially launched his debut album entitled “Solitude” comprising of twelve songs written, produced, and recorded by him on November 15, 2014.
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Panic Disorder - the Choice and Willpower to Survive - Suf Supiani
Copyright © 2015 by Suf Supiani.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
The information on this manuscript is strictly confidential and is intended solely for the references of the individual or entity to which it is addressed.
www.partridgepublishing.com/singapore
CONTENTS
Foreword
Introduction
One: Understanding Definitions and Symptoms of a Panic Attack
Two: Identifying the Underlying Issues
Three: Accepting the Diagnosis
Four: Decisions and willingness to be helped
Five: The Power of Breathing and Mindfulness
Six: Breaking the Vicious Cycle
Seven: Love and Hope
Eight: Support and Visualisation
Nine: Relationship, Friendship and Trust
Ten: Just do it: Action = Reaction
Eleven: Counting Blessings Not Misfortune
Twelve: Anchoring Achievements
FOREWORD
BY MDM HALIMAH YACOB,
SPEAKER OF PARLIAMENT AND MP FOR JURONG GRC
Panic Disorder – The Choice and Will Power to Survive is an account of Sufyan’s struggle against Panic Disorder and his gargantuan efforts to overcome his illness. It traces his battle with the illness which was precipitated by not just a lack of support from his previous employers but by their really harsh treatment of employees with mental health issues.
Hence, this book is a useful read for employers too on how to treat their employees well, particularly those who have mental health issues and what they can do to provide better support to them so that they can be effective and contributing employees. Indeed, it is a stark reminder that in many of our workplaces not enough attention is given to maintaining the mental health of employees, when statistics show that globally mental health has become one of the most debilitating illnesses that affects not only individuals but corporations and society at large too.
Sufyan gave useful suggestions and tips to those who are facing mental health problems on how to survive and live with panic disorders. He talks about his own anguish, fears and the emptiness that he often feels and he reminded those suffering this illness on the importance of looking at things in perspective. He also stressed on how support from his family, other caregivers and the hospital had been absolutely crucial in his ongoing battle with the illness. He described the importance of being occupied in something meaningful, such as animal rescue in his case, so that sufferers can keep their minds occupied and also find meaning in every day existence.
Sufyan’s book is special because it is a first-hand account of his own journey as a person with mental health issues. It is a very courageous decision on his part as his book recalled times when he had tried to conceal his illness from other students in a course that he was attending or when he had to go out because of the strong stigma against mental illness. Yet, he decided to come out publicly knowing how important this is to other sufferers.
By writing this book, Sufyan has contributed towards reducing this stigma and also challenged some of the taboos that people have about mental illness. I hope that through him, this book as well as his music album Solitude, people will realise that persons with mental health issues too have talents and can lead meaningful lives given the right support and encouragement.
I hope that one day we will develop into a truly gracious society where people with mental health issues no longer feel that they need to hide for fear of the stigma or discrimination.
INTRODUCTION
My name is Sufyan Adli Supiani and I am a continuous survivor of Panic Disorder. To accept such a diagnosis is never easy, and to declare it? Possibly suicidal. Because Panic Disorder is categorized as a type of mental illness, much stigma is associated with it, as with other mental illnesses. Yet, I write this book – with much trepidation - in the hope that it will eventually help break the vicious cycle that stigma sets off.
My life has not been the same since I first yielded to this condition. I believe, nevertheless, that it is not impossible to get back to who I used to be with time and lots of perseverance.
It all started with me ignoring small stresses in my life, which eventually became too much for me to deal with. Only after undergoing psychotherapy, did I realize that I actually had panic attacks even during my childhood days. The issues I faced were simply left unattended and smoothed over, hidden but not resolved, till I fell deep into a dark dark tunnel of horrors.
This book is the story of my downfall, my rise, another plunge and yet another rise. It has been a long and winding road towards recovery but I am heading there. One huge factor that compels me to hang on are my lifelines - my direct family, close friends, music and the love for cats and dogs.
In a nutshell, two strong words constantly remind me to stay afloat against all odds: Choice and Willpower
. The day my dad accepted me for who I am, embraced me and delivered his single powerful counsel, Willpower, my son
, was the day I decided to name this book The Choice and Willpower to Survive
. I hope in reading this book fellow sufferers will find similar will to survive and others will understand what we go through and be empowered to be lifelines themselves.
My childhood is stained with dark memories, as a result of some incidents that no child should go through. I faced and overcame abuse, trauma and discrimination. Yet I thought I dealt with the stresses very well. It never crossed my mind that my body and mind had limitations. Then at 32, my life broke into pieces like a porcelain jar crashing hard on a concrete floor. Yes, I had experienced my first full-blown panic attack.
I describe in the next chapter the various symptoms of a panic attack. A full-blown attack amounts to experiencing all these symptoms almost all at once. I had the biggest shock of my life. It really felt as if I was going to die anytime.
By seeking early treatment, I learnt that it was not physical death that I was facing but a body and mind shutdown as a result of brain overload.
I understood that my earlier wounds of the heart had never healed. I decided to address them during my psychotherapy sessions. It was not easy delving into these oppressively dark tunnels but through various brain stimulation activities I was able to do so.
Slowly I found ways to manage the illness and was on the road to recovery. Yet, two years later, when I was 34, during a period of extended stress, catastrophe struck again. But this time, it struck with a vengeance. It developed into a disorder that took the form of severe daily anxieties over anything and everything that happened in my life. Be it good or bad news, I suffered severe anxieties, and panic attacks became a daily affair. There were days when these were manageable but many more days when they were not. For three years I underwent and overcame panic attacks. Through the process of therapy after therapy, I acquired more knowledge about my disorder and learnt the art of controlling my body and mind when such attacks happen.
Along the way, however, I also had to deal with depression due to having to fight so hard to survive. The support from my family and friends represented faint twinkles of light while I was in the darkness. I felt as if I was blind. I could not see or grasp any positive vibes. Not because I did not want to be positive. It was simply because I was unwell and had lost control whilst in total darkness.
Have you ever watched the movie entitled Gravity
starring Sandra Bullock and George Clooney about being lost in space, stuck in a space suit, and having access to a dwindling amount of oxygen? In a nutshell, that was exactly how I felt. Throughout my life, I have always been an optimistic person. I had refused to give up on anything that I did in life. I had fought to hang on no matter how stressful my job was, no matter how messy my childhood was. I am not prone to self-pity.
Yet, to have a lost and floating mind in the darkness with depleted oxygen in my brain was simply not an easy task to deal with.
In the movie Gravity, Sandra Bullock would hyperventilate due to lack of oxygen and start to panic. This summarises the situation I was in during a panic attack. I felt like I was trapped in a bubble or a space suit struggling to inhale fresh air.
If you know someone who suffers from panic disorders, or you are a caregiver for one, I do recommend that you watch the movie Gravity
to understand your loved one better. After years of suffering, I realised that what I needed was gravity. Gravity to stop my mind from floating to places where I could get lost. Often, my gravities are the people who choose to speak personally to me and care for me. They include healthcare officers. Little actions like choosing to listen and talk to me can pull me back to life and back to reality.
I lost the ability to earn a living during those three difficult years of fighting. I had many talents especially singing, my main passion. However, being unwell meant none of my talents could generate an income for me to continue living. My insecurities of living in a cosmopolitan city and the high standard of living aggravated my fears. I plunged deeper into depression feeling hopeless and helpless.
Can you visualise yourself staying at home most of the time for three whole years, afraid of going out unless accompanied by someone, even if it is just to enjoy a breath of fresh air? Afraid of sleeping alone? Not having any monthly income?
The professional guidance of psychotherapists helped me identify the small steps that I could focus on. Most times, I would step out of the house only when I needed to attend my medical appointments. Even so, that took a massive courage and was never easy.
As my condition improved, while still grounded at home, I started to write songs expressing my feelings and thoughts. The few songs that I wrote were enough to produce a full album. It was my dream to record this album one day.
I also recorded many demos of my vocals and published them online as an effort for a positive distraction.
My Demo website:
http://www.reverbnation.com/sufproductions
I recorded demos of my original songs and covers to occupy my time and avoid depression. I purchased Minus One music online to accompany my recorded singing for cover songs. It helped manage my depression because I had a purpose and I enjoyed the process of recording. I created my own sanctuary – a home recording workspace with minimal gadgets – to keep me going. I taught myself through trial and error the intricacies of mixing the music I recorded, and I discovered for myself the basic skills of a sound engineer. This is a challenging tedious process. One day, I hope I will be able to stick to just singing and to have a sound engineer to assist me in that department of fine tuning recordings. I remain strong in the hope that I will be discovered one day by a reliable music label that believes in my talent.
Besides writing this book, my dream was also to record an album of motivational songs to help patients with various mental conditions cope, to encourage them to choose to survive. I dream of them enjoying my music and hanging on to it.
To hang onto something without gravity is a scary feeling. If people would only smile and be happy listening to my music, even if it is only for a moment,