The Devil's Treasure

THE DEVIL’S TREASURE

When Ginger was seven she went to Hell. She’d first heard of it because her father said What the hell! when something was funny. Then one day he came out of his bedroom shouting, This is hell! while her mother cried behind the door and it was not funny. His eyes were staring and he was showing his teeth like a scared dog. When she asked, her grandmother told her Hell was a made-up place underground where people went to be tortured forever. Then she saw a cartoon in which the Devil sat on a pile of treasure and laughed while demons poked dancing people in the behind with pitchforks. It did not look like torture. It looked scary but interesting too.

The night she went to Hell, Ginger went to sleep in the bedroom she shared with her sister. They laid their heads on their pillows and their mother sang them Tender Shepherd.

One say your prayers and

Two close your eyes and

Three safe and happily

Fall asleep.

And then Ginger went looking for Hell. She didn’t have to look far. Her spirit rose from her and walked through the house. The furniture watched her kindly. The only thing that called her was the sugar bowl, from which she liked to sneak spoonfuls during the day. But her spirit didn’t stop even for that. She went straight to the backyard and found the trapdoor that led to Hell. It wasn’t hard to open. The stairway down was clean and well lit. She thought, I will steal the Devil’s treasure and put it under my bed so I’ll have it in the morning!

As she ran down the stairs in her nightie, she noticed pictures on the walls. They showed faces and scenes, and they moved as she went past. In one picture naked people were being driven up a great stone stair by powerful men with no faces. It reminded her of the cartoon and so she stopped to look at it. And then she was in it.

TWO GIRLS, FAT AND THIN

Whenever I think of the house I grew up in, in Painesville, Pennsylvania, I think of the entire structure enveloped in, oppressed by, and exuding a dark, dank purple. Even when I don’t think of it, it lurks in miniature form, a malignant dollhouse, tumbling weightless through the horror movie of my subconscious, waiting to tumble into conscious thought and sit there exuding darkness.

Objectively, it was a nice little house. It was a good size for three people; it had a slanting roof, cunning shutters, lovable old doorknobs that came off in your hands, a breakfast nook, an ache of dingy carpets, and faded wallpaper. It was our fifth house, the one we collapsed in after a series of frantic moves that were the result of my father’s belief that wherever he lived was hell. Eventually he became too exhausted to move again and made our sedentary status a virtue, gloating as he gazed out through the cracked shutters at the arrivals and departures of several sets of neighbors on both sides: the Whites, the Calefs, and the Hazens on the left, and the Wapshots, the Rizzos, and the morose, relatively stationary old Angrods on the right. We live in a society of cockroaches, he said, scurrying all over the face of the map with no thought of community or family, nothing.

The Painesville house was the most significant point of my upbringing, and it unfolds from its predecessors with the minor inevitability of an origami puzzle in several pieces. With each house the puzzle becomes more sinister, then more sad, then simply strange, the final piece made from a grainy photograph of Anna Granite’s face. I imagine Justine Shade picking up the various paper constructions to examine them, furrowing her brow, tapping her lip with her pen.

I was born in Blossom, Tennessee. I think of grape arbors, trellises clotted with magnolias, the store downtown that sold white bags of candy. (There actually was a grape arbor in our backyard in Blossom, but our second, more lived-in Tennessee house near Nashville had a square backyard full of short grass and festering sunlight.)

One of my succession of therapists used to say that the body remembers everything, meaning that on some level so deep you don’t even know about it, you’ve stored compressed yet vivid details of everything that’s ever happened to you, including, she was later to assert, everything in your past lives. This could be true, I guess, but these bodily memories are so unevenly submerged and revealed, so distorted—as the deficient yard is garnished with imaginary arbors and trellises—that they may as well be completely invented.

My mother, whose name was Blanche, came from a poor but respectable matriarchal farm family. She was the oldest of three girls, but she was the shortest, the shyest, the one most likely to be teased. As the oldest she was responsible for taking care of her sisters, Camilla and Martha, when there was no school and their mother went into town to clean rich people’s houses. This was a hopeless arrangement, as Camilla and Martha were strong, boisterous girls who banded against their sister, barred her from their games, and ridiculed her. They refused to get up to eat her carefully prepared breakfasts, they wouldn’t help her with the dishes, they ran around the house like cats, knocking things down while she tried to clean. The sole factor that enabled the harried girl to maintain any order at all was her intense and agitated seriousness. Her idea of the world was a pretty picture of shiny pink faces and friendly animals in nature scenes, of dulcet conversations and gestures—a lively but always gentle and harmonious world that could not accommodate (and could be totally undone by) sarcasm or cruelty. Out of the need to impress a lacelike pattern on brutishness came her unshakable determination to clean and sew and mop the floor. She got up before sunrise to get cream and eggs. She wreathed her table settings with clover and daisies. She made jam and arranged the jars so that their colors complemented one another: mint, plum, cherry, apple. Her sisters’ jeering hurt her, but it also roused and locked into position a surprising element of strength that dignified her melancholy zeal, which caused her unkind sisters to remember her, in their broken-down middle years, with pathos and respect.

The same frantic need to prettify informed her mothering. We spent a lot of time together when I was five, more than I spent with other children. On Saturdays, we sat at the kitchen table, intently drawing crayon animals in their jungles or under cloud-blotched skies. We made up stories illustrated by pink-eared families of mice. We built homes for my animals that ranged across rooms, and my mother always consented to hold the wicked frog who lived in a penthouse atop my dresser. Or my mother would read The Wizard of Oz aloud. Other times we would sit on the couch and my mother would show me art books and prints, inviting me to invent stories about the little boy in red and ruffles standing alone with a bird on a leash. And at night, she would sit on my bed and tell stories of her girlhood. I would hold her hand as she constructed airy balloons that floated by in the dark, bearing glowing pictures of her and my father holding hands on the porch swing, or of her lying in a meadow of clover, dreaming and looking for fairies while horrible Camilla called her home.

My father entered this magic world in the evening, when he returned home from work in grandness, and our phantasms and elves stood at attention to receive his directions. He would put on one of his records—opera, marching music, or jazz—and turn up the volume so that it trumpeted aggressively through the house, ramming his personality into every corner. My mother worked in the kitchen, stirring a big pot of chili or peeling potatoes, and my father would pace excitedly between kitchen and living room, drinking beer after beer and eating the dry roasted peanuts, sliced Polish sausage, and hot green peppers that my mother had arranged in little dishes as, against a thundering sound track, he expounded upon his day. He was a manager in the clerical department of a sales firm in Nashville. He would talk about the office intrigue as though it were symbolic of all human activity, as though he were enacting daily the drama of good versus evil, of weakness versus strength, of the fatal flaws that cause otherwise able men to fail, of the mysterious ways of the universe that make the rise of bastards possible. He would start on some incident—how that socialist shit-ass Greenburger had tried to undermine the unfortunate clubfoot Miss Onderdonk in order to cast favor on a pretty new typist, and how he was publicly exposed and deplored—and then link this to some greater abstract principle, cross-referencing it to events in his childhood or his stint in the army, as though one had led, inexorably and triumphantly, to the other. The room filled with overlapping scenarios from the past (his past, as created by me) that appeared in a sweet-smelling, melancholy wave of events—picnics, days at school, and old ladies who had clasped him in their perfumed arms before slipping away forever—carrying on its crest and depositing safely in our living room the scene now transpiring.

He paced as he talked, now and then walking close to the windows to peer out, rubbing his fingers together as though grinding something to powder, nibbling zestfully at the snacks that occasionally dropped down his shirtfront, and drinking beer. My mother moved about the kitchen in a frilly apron, her hair bound into a ponytail with a rubber band garnished with large plastic flowers. She listened enthralled to the stories of betrayal and redemption, nodding vigorously, shaking her head in disapproval or agreeing, Absolutely! That’s right! as the music underscored her husband’s stirring rendition of his eventual triumph. You can’t throw your weight around like that in my office, buddy. It’s okay to be a tough guy, but you’d better be sure I’m not tougher. And nine times out of ten I am. I would listen gravely as they talked. It seemed as though they were arranging the world, making everything safe and understood.

By the time we sat down to dinner, life was friendly and orderly, and we could regally feast on chili over spaghetti noodles, with chocolate ice cream in little ceramic cups for dessert. Then there would be TV—soldiers winning, dogs rescuing children, criminals going to jail, women finding love—and then my mother would carry me to bed singing,

Up the magic mountain, one, two, three.

Up the magic mountain, yessiree.

This and every other image from that time is faded, small and surrounded by a thick border of fuzzy, quavering blackness. The images aren’t connected; there are large spaces between them filled with the incoherent blackness. The emotions belonging to the images are even more unclear; they seem a slur of abnormal happiness, as if my childhood were characterized by the cartoons I watched on TV. This is probably because the adults around me, believing childhood to be a pretty thing, encouraged me to feel that way, talking to me in baby talk, singing about itsy-bitsy spiders and farmers in the dell, laying an oil slick of jollity over the feelings that have stayed lodged in my memory, becoming more and more grotesque as time goes on. But the feelings continue to lurk, dim but persistent, like a crippled servant, faithfully, almost imbecilically, trying to tell me something in the language of my childhood, my own most intimate language, which has become an indecipherable code.

An indecipherable code. I wrote that sentence thirty years ago in the voice of a fictional character named Dorothy Never, the heroine of a novel titled Two Girls, Fat and Thin. It is more real to me now, more real than I understood then. It describes the subtext under much of my writing and my experience of the world, primarily the social world, but even my inner world. It describes something I don’t understand. At the same time, I don’t think it describes anything especially strange; almost anyone can be baffled by an image from a dream, or a sudden intense feeling, or a realization that they completely misunderstood someone they thought they knew well because that person stopped conforming to a cherished (or despised) inner picture. Then there is the realization that you’ve completely misunderstood yourself, a self that is so shaped by events, context, time, and immediate requirements.

A terrible and wonderful example: Before my father died in 2001, I knew that I loved him but only dimly. I didn’t really feel it, and to the extent that I did, I experienced it as painful. When he was dying I almost didn’t go to him. When I was trying to decide whether to go, someone asked me, Do you want to see him? And I said, That’s hard to say. Because when you’re with him you don’t see him. He doesn’t show himself. He shows a grid of traits but not himself. Still, I decided to go. The death was prolonged. It was painful. Because of the pain, the grid that I referred to—my father’s style of presentation—could not be maintained. A few days after I arrived my father lost the ability to speak more than a few words at a time. But his eyes and his face spoke profoundly. I saw him and I felt him, and I loved him more than I thought possible. I was stunned by both the strength of my feeling and my previous obliviousness to it, and my realization that, if I had not come to see him, I would never have known how real my feeling was or how beautiful it was to say it and to hear it said.

I recall that, at the time, I had a mental picture of this experience that looked like one of those practical joke containers disguised as a can of nuts or something; you open the lid and a coiled cloth-covered spring leaps out at you—it felt that startling. This image was followed by another mental picture, an image of human beings as containers that hold layers and layers of thought, feeling, and experience so densely packed (the body remembers everything) that the (human) container can be aware of only a few layers at a time, usually the first few at the top, until and unless an unexpectedly powerful event makes something deep suddenly pop out, throwing some elements of the self into high relief and disordering others, hinting at a different, truer order that was there all along.

Such ordered disorder informs the mosaic of these novel excerpts, which are linked together not sequentially, but by the feel of subjective connections between them. The characters who speak are very different in age and circumstance. In Two Girls they are women comically misshapen by brutal and ridiculous childhoods lived in externally decent, even beautiful American neighborhoods. In Veronica they are a model and a middle-aged proofreader, both bruised and bewildered by life, but subliminally joined by their belief in synthetic ideals through which they try to find reality in various indecipherable codes primarily expressed as style. In The Mare they are a lost middle-aged White woman who can feel reality only through an imaginary radio signal and a loving Dominican girl living through the distortions of poverty, inequity, and abuse. When I read through these books, I had a strong double sense of my simultaneous acuity and lack of understanding of the worlds I was trying to represent, putting everything I had into the attempt to create a version of these realities on the page, stumbling as the characters do, trying to find the essence in the confusion. It was humbling and even a little frightening.

I remember the time a kid fell off our porch and cracked his skull. It was Halloween, and I wasn’t allowed to go out because my mother thought that, at five, I was too young. My mother dressed for the occasion in her red terry-cloth robe that reached the floor and made her look thick and imposing. The ordinary packaged candy looked special in a large crystal punch bowl. She handed it out with a gently officious air, enjoying herself as my father sat quietly in the shadows of the dim, radio-mumbling house. Most of the kids in our neighborhood were close to my age, and they stood bashful and ungainly in their monstrous wings and clown feet, incredulous and feeling slightly guilty that a stranger had put on a ceremonial robe to give them handfuls of candy. Sometimes a crowd of big kids would come and bellow trick or treat like a threat or thrust their masked faces into our living room to scream right at my mother, who screamed in return and hurriedly thrust the candy at them. It was during one of these screaming moments that we heard the real screams of a small child who had just fallen off the porch. There was a scramble of movement amid masked children in the dark, and then the boy was in our bright kitchen, sitting on a stool, bundled in a blanket, sucking his thumb. Probably his parents were there somewhere, but I don’t remember them. My mother was on the phone to the hospital, picking her nails while my father paced in and out of the room, coughing and wiping his mouth. He said something that made me think we could get into trouble because the boy fell off our porch.

I was frightened and fascinated by the boy. It terrified me to think that you could be standing on a porch, my porch, receiving official candy in a spirit of goodwill, and then, with one wrong movement, be pitched into darkness, cracking your head in a way that could kill you. I stared at his face. It was a garish painted mask of red and blue, his sole costume. His lashes were long and beautiful, his eyes serene and wide, completely undisturbed by the large red gash in his head. I stared at the gash and at the brown hairs mashed around in the blood. I thought I was looking right into his brain. It seemed glowing and wonderfully mysterious. I felt very close to him. I wanted to put my hand in his head. We could get into trouble for this.

I ran out of the kitchen and got my stuffed animal, a little limp dog named Greenie. I thrust it at the boy and said, Take Greenie. He did. He held Greenie tightly with one arm, sucking his thumb, quiet again, his beautiful eyes looking at me with what seemed like curiosity. I stared into his deep red brain until my mother bundled him in her sweater and took him to the hospital.

I let him take my toy. I felt that Greenie had helped him in some way, and it made me feel good to think that I could help a person, especially a person whose brain I’d seen. When I got Greenie back the following week, I valued him all the more as a healer and personal emissary of my goodwill.

When it was over, my father held me on his lap. He held me as though he was frightened of what had happened to the boy and thought I must be frightened too. The house was dark, the radio was singing to us in the background. His hands encircled the ankle of one of my legs and the knee of the other, and I rested in his body as though it were infinite. He said, Daddy will never let anyone hurt his little girl. He said it as though the sentence itself was grand, as though saying it turned him into a stone lion, immobile but internally watchful and fierce.

Once my father took me with him to watch a basketball game. These were the games he talked about when he walked around the house, rubbing his fingers together and saying, The Mighty Reds, or Hey hey! What do you say? Get that ball the other way! as though the words were inflatable cushions of safety and familiarity with which he could pad himself. The Reds were clearly one of the good forces in life, playing basketball against bastards and viciousness. Even my mother said their name in the way people talk about doing right; it wasn’t fun, but you had to admit it was important.

The game wasn’t fun either. The auditorium was hot and muggy, full of muffled, senseless noise and strangers with invulnerable gum-chewing faces. Sweating men ran with meaningless urgency, straining to prevent each other from doing something that changed from moment to moment. Strangers sat on benches roaring at intervals. My father sat with his neck stretched forward, his face set in the expectant, placated look he had when the world was forming a pattern he approved of.

When it was over we walked home in the dark. The old Reds won, said my father. Don’t you want to cheer?

I cheered into the damp night as I ran up the sidewalk. The houses and trees were remote and strange in the dark, the mailboxes lonely and disoriented on their corners. Cars swished by in mournful sweeps of light, and we walked in triumph.

At home there was cinnamon toast and hot chocolate and my mother in her special white Chinese robe with black dragons on it. We marched into the rec room, Daddy carrying me on his shoulders, my legs dangling down his chest. Fat old Walnut the cat thumped behind us, his tail low and steady. My father put Carmen on the record player, and I darted around the room, swirling in an invisible lavender skirt. Daddy and Mother kissed on the blue flowered sofa. Mother’s legs were folded and tucked against her body like the wings of a plump bird, and I saw the jagged shred of toenail and the hard little callus on her pink incurved baby toe. Her husband’s hands covered her face as he kissed her. Olé, olé! shouted prancing me. Scornful Carmen, with an aquiline nose and a rose in her teeth, silently leered from the velvety dark of her album cover where she sat propped sideways against a tall blue lamp. She had been stabbed to death by the time Daddy swung me into his arms.

Up the magic mountain, one, two, three.

Up the magic mountain, yessiree.

We left Walnut curled beside the heat vent. Mother followed behind, smiling at my head as it rested on Daddy’s shoulder, hitting light switches as we passed from room to hall to room to staircase. "She’s going to sleep with Mama and Daddy tonight