Parenting For Dummies

Part I

All About You: What Every Parent Should Know

In this part . . .

P arenting’s a skill and, like any other skill, it needs takes lots of learning and plenty of practice. But there are a few basics it’s worth boning up on right from the start. And you’ll find them all in this part. From understanding how much becoming a parent may change you, to finding great back-up and brilliant childcare. From realising it’s up to you to set boundaries, to accepting that parental perfection doesn’t exist (and is not what your kids really want, anyway). Best of all, you’ll discover the parenting secrets that’ll work for you, and your children, for many years to come.

Chapter 1

Help! Where Do I Start? The Basics

In This Chapter

bullet Doing the parenting reality check

bullet Understanding what makes a child tick at different ages

bullet Realising what being a parent means

Take off those rose-tinted spectacles right now: You need to get the picture nice and clearly. Parenting is tough. Yes, it’s rewarding, enjoyable, and absolutely brilliant at times, but it is tough. And that’s because life changes when you have children. In all sorts of ways. And adjusting to change (however nice) isn’t easy.

Now, at this point, I have to tell you that anyone who’d told a pregnant me that life was going to get tough when my baby arrived would’ve been given shrift so short you’d need a microscope to see it. I mean, I wasn’t naive. I knew things were going to be different. But I didn’t know how different. Which is why I’m sticking my older, wiser neck on the line and telling you now.

Having children forces you to plumb parts of yourself you never knew existed, to dredge up superhuman levels of patience, to be firm and consistent even if you’re wobbly inside, to be bouncy and enthusiastic when all you really want to do is crawl into bed and catch up on a few thousand hours of lost sleep. And that is all good stuff, when you think about it; it just doesn’t come very naturally. So, this chapter’s here to ease you in gently, with a little snapshot of what to expect – from your child and yourself – in the parenting years to come. Enjoy the ride!

Knowing Your Child: Ages and Stages

Between birth and 9, your child goes through four distinct developmental stages (baby, toddler, preschooler, schoolchild) and each one has its own particular delights – and challenges. You’ll find loads of specific tips to help you deal with each of these stages in Parts II to V of this book but, here, as a kind of taster, is a brief overview of how it all pans out, parenting-wise.

Baby

The Baby stage runs from your child’s actual birth day to her first birthday. It’s the shortest stage but probably the one with the steepest, most stunning learning curve – for both of you!

What she’s like

She’s getting bigger by the day – sometimes quite literally. In just 12 months, she’s going to grow from a helpless teeny babe-in-arms to a moving, babbling tot. Until then, you must do everything for her and be everything to her; you are the centre of her universe.

What she needs from you

This is the holding year. Your baby needs you to cuddle her, soothe her, and cradle her close. And this situation is, of course, the most wonderful thing – except when you’re desperate to eat or sleep. Later, as she becomes more mobile, she needs you to hold her steady and catch her when she falls.

Toddler

The Toddler stage covers ages 1 to 3. These are the vivacious, vocal, – and, sometimes, volatile! – years. Your child will test your patience one minute, melt your heart the next.

What she’s like

She’s a little ball of energy, scooting at lightning speed from pillar to post (except when you need to get anywhere fast, when she immediately slows to sub-funereal pace). She’s starting to talk and is developing a theatrically strong urge to do things her own way.

What she needs from you

These are the shadowing years. Your toddler needs you to follow her closely, allowing her some chance to explore on her own but staying near enough to keep her from harm. She also needs you to keep a close eye on her behaviour – and teach her that throwing a tantrum isn’t the best way to express feelings and doesn’t get her what she wants.

Preschooler

The Preschooler stage takes your child from 3 to 5 years old. It’s a time of fun and first friendships, and of finding her feet at playgroup or preschool.

What she’s like

She’s an inquisitive, imaginative, often cheeky little thing, full of enthusiasm for life and bursting with endless (often gobsmacking) questions about how the world works. She likes being busy and active and doing things for herself, and is taking a growing delight in playing (but not necessarily always sharing) with friends her own age.

What she needs from you

These are the shepherding years. Your preschooler needs you to show her the path and then let her make her own way down it, safe in the knowledge that you’re watching and won’t let her go astray. She also needs you to set clear boundaries, and show her how to take turns and mix nicely with her peers.

Schoolchild

The Schoolchild stage covers the first five primary-school years, from age 5 to 9. It’s a time of emotional growth and social jostling, as friends start to assume a more central part of her life.

What she’s like

She’s calmer and quieter, eager to please you and to fit in with her friends. She’s starting to compare herself to others – and often find herself wanting. She’s very independent and often quite happy to amuse herself. And she’s becoming much more aware of the (sometimes scary) realities of the grown-up world.

What she needs from you

These are the steering years. Your schoolchild’s at the beginning of the long journey towards adolescence and she needs you to start her off in the right direction by boosting her belief in herself, her abilities, and her own strength of character. She needs your trust and guidance as she learns how to show respect for others and to take responsibility for her own behaviour.

Oh, and watch for the funny bits

During each of these four big developmental stages, your child will probably have a series of ‘settled’ and ‘unsettled’ patches (for a rough idea of when each of these may occur, see Table 1-1). This can be really quite disconcerting for us parents (in a ‘hey, what did I do to suddenly make her like this?’ kind of way), but it’s actually perfectly normal (and almost certainly nothing to do with you at all).

You see, children grow – emotionally, mentally, and physically – in little spurts. Between spurts (when everything’s nice and stable), they’re settled: Calm, happy, easy in their skin. In the middle of a spurt (when everything’s changing rapidly), they’re unsettled: Anxious, sensitive, less able to cope. Of course, not all children react to unsettled patches in the same way – some kids can become much more difficult; others, blessed with a more naturally serene temperament, may take everything more or less in their stride. Either way, it helps us, as parents, to know that these patches happen – and that they pass – and that all we probably need do to get through them is continue doing what we’re doing the best way we can.

Table 1-1 is just a guide and the ages on it are only very approximate. If your child does not seem particularly settled or unsettled at any of the ages mentioned or goes through settled or unsettled patches at another age, don’t take it as a sign that something is wrong.

Knowing Yourself

Once you’re a parent, you can’t be the same person you used to be. Because things have changed: You’ve got new responsibilities and, with them, new perspectives and a new set of priorities.

Now this doesn’t mean you have to morph into some totally different person (that would be weird), but you do need to carry out the odd modification, and build on a lot of extra bits and pieces. Some of these changes you’ll make quite instinctively, without even really noticing. Others may not come quite so naturally – so here’s your handy little heads-up.

Your role: Parts all parents should play

We all have various roles to play in life – partner, colleague, son, daughter, sister, brother, boss, friend. And parent is just another one of those – albeit a bit scarier because you’re not so familiar with the script. But you’ll slip into – and fill out – your new role just fine if you remember your child sees you as

bullet The person to copy: Your child will model herself on you. From the moment she’s born, she’ll watch what you do and how you behave – and learn that that’s the way to do things. So, if you talk with your mouth full, swear like a trooper, tell fibs to your friends, and break the speed limit on motorways, she’ll think that’s okay. Quite a scary thought, isn’t it? Except when you know that what matters is not being a perfect role model in every way but trying hard to do what is right – and apologising or explaining when you get it wrong.

bullet The person in charge: Your child’s not going to know how to behave nicely. You have to teach her. Partly by leading by example and partly by making rules and setting limits. And then enforcing them, when you need to. You don’t need to enforce rules heavy-handedly, but you do need to do it consistently. You’ll find more about boundaries in Chapter 2 and then, in a more specifically age-related way, in Chapters 13, 17, and 23.

Your goals: Hopes all parents have

You want to do your best by your child, give her things you never had and opportunities you were never able to take. You want to give her the tools to make a real success of her life. But in the end, what really matters is that you

bullet Raise a happy, confident child. Who is strong, self-reliant, and resilient enough to take on whatever adolescence and adult life happens to throw at her. To do this, you need to give her a safe, healthy, loving, and predictable home life, and the certainty that she is valued, understood, and approved of. You’ll find lots of tips on doing this throughout the rest of this book.

bullet Make growing-up fun. Which means rediscovering the little child in you. You need to find time to spend with your child, giving her your whole attention and sharing her interests and games and flights of fancy. You need to get back in touch with the joys of tickling and giggling and playing rough-and-tumble. You need to pull silly faces, fly kites, kick a ball, finger-paint, and splash through puddles. You need to let go and live in the moment, just like she does.

Your fears: Worries all parents share

On top of all the stuff you want to get right, there’s all this other stuff you don’t want to get wrong. Having a child comes with so many doubts and fears, you should be issued with a free set of worry beads the moment the umbilical cord is cut. But the worries that will probably obsess you most are

bullet Keeping her safe: From illness, injury, and all sorts of other harm. Which is entirely natural but important to keep in perspective. In survey after survey, parents say that their biggest fear is of their child being abducted and hurt by a stranger when, in fact, our children are at far, far greater risk of being hurt in an accident at home. You’ll find specific advice on health in Chapters 11, 22, and 29, and on safety in Chapters 15 and 22.

bullet Keeping up to scratch: We all do it: Measure other parents’ ways against our own and find ours rather rubbish by comparison. But what we forget is that there are loads of different ways to parcel up your life as a parent, and each has its own particular ups and its own particular downs – no better, no worse, just different. As in all other walks of life, there will always be those you think are doing it better than you, just as there’ll be those you think are doing it worse. And the truth? Even that mum who effortlessly copes with four children under 5, never shouts, and bakes all her own (organic) bread is comparing herself to someone else and feeling bad. And that’s just such a waste of energy.

Being a parent’s a funny old job. You don’t get proper hours, you don’t get promotions, you don’t get pay rises – and you never get to resign. But you do get great bonuses: Children who love you to bits, make you laugh, and never cease to astonish you with the wonderful things they do and say.

Don’t Panic – It All Comes Together in the End!

There’s a lot to learn about being a parent but the great thing is, you don’t need to know it all from the start. Every day, week, month, and year that you look after your child, you’re building experience upon experience, like the layers of coils in one of those Slinky toys that ‘walks’ down the stairs.

And that collected coil of experience gives you confidence to stretch yourself further as your child gets older. Yes, you may get it wrong and ‘ping’ back a few times but, slowly and surely, the coils keep on stacking up until you’re suddenly the most experienced parent on the block.

Parenting’s a funny old game but, with the right attitude (and maybe the odd tactics talk now and then), we can all pick it up and play it well.

Chapter 2

You’re in Charge: Setting Boundaries

In This Chapter

bullet Understanding why rules are important

bullet Setting the right rules at the right times

bullet Teaching that actions have consequences

Your child needs to know what’s expected of him. And since he can’t read your mind, you need to tell him – or show him by drawing boundaries between the kind of behaviour that’s okay and the kind of behaviour that is absolutely not. And then consistently enforcing those boundaries. Which isn’t always as easy as it looks (or as severe as it sounds).

So, pay attention now: I expect you to read this chapter about setting boundaries properly (no line-skimming, no page-flipping, no daydreaming) and then put what you’ve found out into practice. Or else!

Boundary Basics

Every parent has to set boundaries: This is part of our job description. Because we are responsible for teaching our children the rules that shape our society. The tricky part is knowing exactly what boundaries to set – and where to set them.

Understanding why boundaries work (even when they’re broken)

You’re not being a big old meanie making all these rules. Quite the opposite, in fact. Your child actually wants you to mark out clear boundaries for his behaviour, because

bullet They make him feel secure: When you set a boundary and consistently maintain it, he’s absolutely clear about how you want him to behave.

bullet They keep him safe: Some of the boundaries you set are lifesavers in the most literal sense – such as staying on the pavement and not running into the road.

bullet They help him out: When your child’s learning to walk, you move furniture close together so he’s got something firm and stable to cling to. And, when your child’s learning how to behave, you give him guidance and rules, so he has something firm and stable to cling to.

bullet They teach cause and effect: If his behaviour is out of bounds, it has consequences – for him and for others.

bullet They give him something to push against: Testing your parents’ limits – to see how far you can go before an adult yells ‘Stop!’ – is a natural part of growing up. But if you have no limits to test, you have no expectations to live up to, and feel no sense of responsibility for your own behaviour.

bullet They teach him right from wrong: All the right stuff lies within your boundaries, all the wrong stuff’s outside. Simple.

Little babies don’t need boundaries. Because they don’t misbehave. And they can’t understand rules. Some babies are more tricky to look after than others but that doesn’t mean they’re ‘testing’ you; they wouldn’t know how. Never draw a boundary until your child has the brainpower to grasp what it’s all about. For more about this, see Chapter 6.

Setting boundaries wisely

Okay, so you set boundaries to draw a clear dividing line between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. But pinpointing that dividing line can actually be quite hard. And not every parent draws the line in the same place.

Take swearing, for example: Most parents quickly assign the ‘f-word’ to the ‘unacceptable’ side of the line but I’m betting not nearly so many do the same with ‘Oh, God’ or ‘damn’ and even fewer with ‘bum’. Setting your child’s boundaries takes some careful thinking about your own boundaries and personal choices. You also need to

bullet Make them age-appropriate: Having rules about table manners when your child’s 4 or 5 is fine but you really can’t expect a toddler not to get crumbs down his front and yoghurt in his hair.

bullet Be a role model: Setting boundaries is pointless if you don’t stick to them yourself.

bullet Be selective: Having too many rules and regulations is dispiriting for kids (they feel they can never put a foot right) and a policing nightmare for you. Save your boundaries for the things that really matter.

bullet Tell him why they’re there: Once your child’s old enough to understand, spend time explaining why you’ve set that particular boundary. Talk about why behaviour outside that boundary is unacceptable to you. And give him an example of the kind of behaviour inside that boundary that pleases you. This is really important when you’re drawing boundaries where other parents may choose not to.

bullet Be adaptable: As your child grows and matures, you’ll need to shift (or even lift) many of your boundaries. Or you’ll end up stifling him. And his ability to make decisions for himself.

bullet Remember he’s a kid: And kids are allowed to run around and be noisy and make a mess and generally behave like kids. Setting boundaries is not about forcing them to behave like adults.

You and your partner – and other significant carers in your child’s life – need to be working to the same rules. Which means you need to discuss them before setting them. And then again before changing or adapting them. For more on parenting as a team, see Chapter 3.

Strict? Easy going? What’s your parenting style?

Every parent has a different idea about discipline and about how many rules and regulations a child should be expected to respect and obey. But experts tend to categorise us either as:

Strict. This is the old-fashioned, do-as-you’re-told-without-question approach to parenting. It is adult-centred and involves lots of rules, rigid routines, and severe sanctions for misbehaviour.

bullet Pros? Your child knows where he stands. His structured routine makes him feel secure.

bullet Cons? It’s very confrontational. Your child is never given a choice. Lots of rules can mean lots of failure.

Or easy going. This is a more modern, loose, and liberal approach. It is child-centred and involves few clear rules, little routine, and lots of discussion about, but few sanctions for, misbehaviour.

bullet Pros? You have a close and loving relationship with your child, with almost no confrontation. Your child has enormous choice.

bullet Cons? Your child never knows where he stands. He becomes used to getting his own

way and may cause havoc until he does. Lack of routine can make it difficult for him to fit into the structured environment of school.

Not thrilled with either choice? Don’t worry: There is a third way – one that cherry-picks the best aspects of the other two approaches and ignores the worst. I like to call it:

Firm but fair. This is a more democratic approach to parenting. The adult is in charge but the child has some say in what he can and cannot do. It involves some clearly stated rules and a basic routine with some room for flexibility. There are appropriate sanctions for misbehaviour.

bullet Pros? Your child knows where he stands. He feels accepted for who he is. He has space to be himself and to make mistakes, within clear boundaries. You have a close and loving relationship with him.

bullet Cons? Constantly steering the middle path between strict and easy going can be something of a challenge.

Toeing the Line: Making Boundaries Work

It’s no good just setting boundaries: You need to enforce them, too. After all, there’s no point drawing a line in the sand and telling your child how important it is not to step over it if you then don’t react in any way when he does.

Of course, you don’t have to patrol those boundary lines with a big fat stick (Heaven forbid). Your child simply needs to know that overstepping the mark always elicits a predictable and measured parental response. The following sections show you how to get that message across – and how to follow it through.

Being clear, certain, and consistent

Don’t take it for granted that your child understands what you’re after. You’re the one setting the boundaries, so you need to spell out what they are all about.

bullet State clearly what you want: Just yelling ‘Behave!’ is no good. You need to be really clear and specific about the rules you’re laying down: ‘No sticking tongues out at the vicar!’

bullet Look confident: Your body language and tone of voice need to reinforce your words. So barely lifting your head from your magazine to mumble, ‘Oh, sweetheart, please don’t hit’ isn’t going to cut it; moving over to the miscreant in question, looking him right in the eyes and saying firmly, ‘No hitting!’ is. It’s not about being mean; it’s about meaning business.

bullet Be fair: Your toddler’s tipped washing powder all over the floor. But who left the washing powder within his reach in the first place? Both of you have strayed over the mark. Being fair also means keeping things in proportion: Don’t make your child suffer for your bad mood.

bullet Be consistent: Every time a boundary is breached, you need to respond. Firmly and decisively and in the same way. Even if your child’s being cute. Even if you’re dog-tired. The repetition of your reaction is what drives home the message that his behaviour is wrong.

Making it cool to do the right thing

All this talk of boundary-enforcing and firm responses sounds such negative stuff but, done the right way, it isn’t at all, especially if you’re also making a serious effort to show your child the positive benefits of behaving well. The cleverest way to get your child to stay within your boundaries is to make the idea so attractive to him, it’s the obvious option. So

bullet Heap on the praise: When he behaves well. What better way to make him want to do so again?

bullet Offer rewards: For a toddler, nothing is more rewarding than being given a huge round of applause and then being scooped up for a lovely cuddle. With an older (and, maybe, cuddle-allergic) child, let him know you’ve noticed a sustained improvement in behaviour by buying him a present or taking him on a special trip. Or use the promise of a reward to change behaviour for the better – by setting specific goals or pinning up a star chart (one star for every good day; ten stars wins a reward, for example).

bullet Act surprised when he starts to behave badly: So demonstrating to your child that your expectation always is that he’ll behave well.

bullet Offer a way out: At the merest whiff of misbehaviour, suggest (or demonstrate) a more positive alternative.

Spelling out the consequences

Oh dear, despite your valiant efforts to promote the general wonderfulness of good behaviour, everything is heading in a distinctly boundary-breaking direction. Time to make it really clear what such behaviour’s going to mean. So

bullet Say what needs to change. Very clearly and very calmly. As in, ‘I want you to stop throwing the ball in the sitting room – right now!’ You’re not asking, you’re telling.

bullet State exactly what will happen if the behaviour doesn’t stop. As in, ‘If you continue to throw the ball, I will take it away for the rest of the day.’

bullet Make the consequence fit the crime. Always take a deep breath and engage your brain before outlining any consequences. Otherwise you end up saying, ‘If you continue to throw the ball, I’ll never let you play football again.’ Not only a mite out of proportion as consequences go but also rather tricky to follow through.

bullet Keep the consequence age-appropriate. For a small child, that usually means his physical removal from the scene of the crime; for an older child, it may mean a removal of privileges. You’ll find more about age-appropriate consequences in Chapters 13 (toddlers), 17 (preschoolers) and 23 (schoolies).

bullet Have a warning system. Children often need a minute or two to put the brakes on their bad behaviour. Give them that brief period of grace with a clear countdown: ‘I’m going to count to three (or five or ten) and then I expect you to stop.’

bullet Praise him if he stops. He deserves it.

For older children (particularly football-crazy ones) a yellow and red-card warning system can work well: Yellow card (make one or just say ‘Yellow card!’) means a final warning; red card means an immediate consequence.

Try to be fair. Don’t dish out a heavier consequence than the behaviour deserves just because your child’s got you particularly wound up.

Following through

Right, this is the tough bit but sticking with it is crucial. You said there’d be a consequence if the boundary-breaking behaviour didn’t stop, so, if it hasn’t, you need to follow through. Or your child won’t think twice about breaking that boundary again – and, like as not, every other boundary you’ve set as well. So

bullet Get a move on: Children have short memories, so you need to make the consequence happen pretty smartly after the event. The longer the period of time between action and consequence, the weaker the link between those two events will be in your child’s mind.

bullet Explain what’s going on: Never assume your child will just understand. Even if you’ve spelled it out award-winningly clearly before, you need to do it again. ‘Right, you decided to keep throwing the ball, so I’m taking it away for the rest of the day.’

bullet Stay calm: Yes, you may be a seething volcano inside but you need to be as chilled as an iceberg on top. Keep reminding yourself you’re angry at your child’s behaviour, not your child.

bullet Be focused: This is not the time to pile in with other complaints about your child’s behaviour. They’re irrelevant to what he’s up to now and will only muddy the actions-have-consequences waters.

bullet Be prepared to be the bad guy: Nobody likes upsetting or annoying their child. Nobody likes provoking wailing and tears. But you have to do this. Because you said you would and your child needs to know you can be relied upon to mean what you say. Remember, he had a choice and, by not stopping, he chose this consequence.

bullet Forgive and forget: Once it’s over, it’s over. Give him a cuddle to reassure him of your love. And move on.

The more consistent you are in following through, the less you’ll actually need to. Your child will quickly realise that changing his behaviour is the only way to avoid the consequence.

Great ways to minimise boundary-breaking

Sometimes, a child breaks boundaries because he’s upset or wound-up or looking for limits. And you can’t do much to change that – his behaviour’s just a natural part of growing up. But, sometimes, he breaks boundaries because he’s bored or ignored or feeling over-controlled. And there are things you can do to change that. For a start, you can

bullet Keep him busy. Small, idle hands tend to get up to big amounts of mischief. Now, no one’s suggesting you devote your every waking hour to staging a one-parent stream of stimulating child entertainment but it does pay to have some ideas up your sleeve for those moments when it’s bucketing with rain and you really need to do the washing, peel the potatoes, or call the plumber. Keep a basket of ‘treasure’ (child-safe bits and bobs, such as cotton reels and yoghurt pots) for a toddler to rifle through; encourage older children to draw birthday cards (one’s always coming up), construct Lego masterpieces, make camps, hold teddy-bear tea parties, read books, or even (gasp!) help you with your chores. Make time to keep commenting on and praising your child’s efforts as you get on.

bullet Notice the good. Your attention is one of the biggest rewards you can give your child. And he can learn amazingly quickly that behaving badly gets your attention double-quick. Which can make bad behaviour a rather tempting means to an end. Unless you make a positive effort to give him masses of attention when he’s behaving well. And to spend time with him, listening, talking, playing games, and showing an interest in his life.

bullet Have fun. Being concerned about your child’s behaviour is good. But not if it takes over so much of your time as a parent that you forget what great fun a child can be. And how much laughter and stress-busting silliness he can bring into your life. If you feel you’re doing nothing all day but barking orders, maybe you need to loosen up a little and think of ways to encourage good behaviour with a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye.

Moving on: Reshaping boundaries together

As your child matures, you can start to take a more democratic approach to boundary-setting. Which means including him in the process. Not putting him in charge, mind, just allowing him a voice. This idea tends to work better when done in a structured way at a ‘family meeting’, where everyone gets to sit down and discuss ways to address the problem behaviours of the moment. You may think it all sounds very airy-fairy but I bet you’ll be surprised by how sensible and respectful your child’s suggestions turn out to be – and how tough the consequences he chooses for breaking the new boundaries! Be warned, though: To be truly democratic, parents have to accept that they may need some new boundaries, too! (For more about family meetings, see Chapter 23.)

Chapter 3

You Are Not Alone: Massing the Troops

In This Chapter

bullet Seeing parenting as a team game

bullet Leaning on other parents for support and advice

bullet Making a great job of single parenting

Every parent needs back-up. Not of the round-the-clock cook, bottle washer, and nappy-warmer variety (although that does has its obvious attractions) but of the you’re-not-in-this-alone one. Because, without back-up, the day-to-day (to-night-to-day) parenting grind is a million times more, well, grinding than it needs to be.

Unlike other jobs, looking after your own children doesn’t come with colleagues eager to shoot the (posset-fragranced) breeze or people in Human Resources who want to develop your potential. (And let’s not even get started on the pay and conditions.) So, it’s really down to you to find the support, advice, and hearty pats on the back you need – and so richly deserve. But how on earth do you manage that when you’ve got so much else on your plate? Read on to find out.

Working with Your Partner

Time was when women did the baby thing and men did the work thing. But times have moved on and so have we – but only a little. In truth, however thrustingly egalitarian your relationship is when there are just the two of you, things do tend to slide back to a more traditional set-up – at least for a while – once you are three. And that’s fine, as long as each of you is still pulling together in a way that works for you both. Because raising a child together is all about teamwork – and the tricky bit is not so much working out who’s doing what as making sure that you’re both playing on the same field.

If you’re a single parent, you’re playing in a different, tougher league but that doesn’t mean you can’t rustle up some teammates of your own: You can find some more specific tips for you nearer the end of this chapter.

Discovering the truth about kids and relationships

You’re probably not going to like me for saying this (and, to be honest, if someone had said it to me as I cradled my newborn, I wouldn’t have liked them much, either) but it needs saying because it’s true: Becoming a parent puts a big strain on the relationship between you and your partner. And that’s because

bullet The dynamic changes. Obviously. Before, all you had to think about was each other. Now, not only is there someone else to think about, but you’re having to change the whole rhythm of your life to fit around her.

bullet One of you is at home all day. While the other goes out to work. Even if this is only a temporary arrangement, it’s a big change for both of you. And it can take some adjusting to.

bullet The realities of parenthood may take you by surprise. You may like being a parent more than you thought. You may find it much harder than you were expecting. You may each find it challenging in very different ways.

bullet You’ve got less time for each other. Because looking after your child soaks up so much of the time you used to spend together.

bullet You’ve got less money. And (at least for the moment) one of you is having to bring home all the bacon.

bullet You’re both exhausted. Especially in the first few months, when you’ve got so much stuff to learn and so little time to sleep.

Sharing the load

If you’re going to be a team, you’re going to need a game plan. And a bit of a team talk about tactics. Before you pull on your positional shirts (stay-at-home parent, working parent, or some clever combination of the two), you need to be absolutely sure that you and your partner have a clear idea of how your separate efforts are going to combine to reach your common goal: a happy and rewarding family life. To do this, you need to

bullet Have a housework debate. Being a stay-at-home parent isn’t the same as being a stay-at-home cleaner, cook, and laundry maid. Being a working parent doesn’t automatically exclude you from all household chores. Sit down together and divvy up the domestic duties – you don’t have to be exact equals in the dusting department but you do have to be willing to do your bit.

bullet Share time with your baby. It’s all too easy for the parent who’s taking on the lion’s share of the caring to get a little territorial about things. But if Mum (and it is usually Mum in the early days) is doing all the feeding, changing, cuddling, and settling, Dad’s never going to cut it as a hands-on parent, is he? Give each other time to get to know your baby from the start, and you’ll be setting up patterns of shared involvement and responsibility that will last for years – and will benefit you all.

bullet Pick up stuff. Babies and children mean all sorts of extra bits and bobs cluttering up your house. Don’t assume the de-clutter monitor will be along in a minute – if you see something lying around, put it away.

bullet Give each other a break. Looking after kids all day is hard work; slogging away in an office all day is hard work, too. So there’s no point having a ‘Who’s had it hardest?’ contest. Try to find ways to give each other a few moments’ peace instead. Maybe the at-home parent would like some child-free time in the morning to shower and dress. Maybe the working parent would love a lie-in on a Sunday. Figure out what each of you would appreciate most – and make that your regular treat to each other.

bullet Enjoy your children together. Don’t always parent in shifts. Make sure that you also spend time together as a family, just taking pleasure in each other’s company.

Family life is different to couple life. Expect things to change – some for the better, some for the worse – and then it won’t all be such a shock.

‘But Daddy said...’: Presenting a united parenting front

You probably talked quite a bit about bringing up kids before you had any. You probably agreed about most things. You probably watched other parents in the cafe, at the park, and in the supermarket and told each other, ‘We’d never allow a child of ours to do anything like that!’

And then you have your child and discover that there are, actually, quite a lot of parenting-related things you disagree about – and plenty you didn’t even think to discuss in the first place. Don’t panic: We’ve all been there! To stand united once more, what you need to do is

bullet Respect each other’s point of view. Listen to your partner’s opinions. Be open to his or her suggestions. Especially if you’re the main carer: You don’t always automatically know what’s best.

bullet Keep talking. Your views on parenting will evolve as you gain more experience at the ‘bringing up baby’ coalface, and as your child develops and grows. So it’s important to keep discussing the things that really matter, from day-to-day discipline to choice of schools.

bullet Reassess your lifestyle priorities. Are you putting extra pressure on yourselves – and each other – to maintain your pre-children standard of living? Look at what you want and compare it to what you actually need. Sometimes, sacrificing a few lifestyle expectations for the sake of family life and security is worth it.

bullet Keep your parenting arguments private. It’s okay for children to hear their parents disagreeing (respectfully) about other stuff (and then making up), but it’s not so great for them to hear you having a right old ding-dong about them.

bullet Back each other up. Once you’ve agreed on a discipline or behaviour issue, you need to stick fast to the parental party line. Or your children will quickly work out what Mummy will let them get away with that Daddy wouldn’t (or vice versa). And try never to criticise or take over from your partner when he or she is handling a situation (however badly). Bite your tongue firmly and resolve to discuss your parenting differences later – when you’re well out of kiddie earshot.

Finding time to be together

Being a parent absorbs masses of your time and energy, and lots of your attention gets diverted away from your relationship towards your children. But don’t just assume your relationship will take care of itself while you’re doing the parenting thing. You need to find ways to protect it and nurture it and keep it special – or you may look round one day and wonder how much of it you have left.

Now, of course, you’re going to ask where on earth you can find the time to do all that on top of everything else, but the good news is, you don’t have spend hours at it – a few snatched moments of