My Daughter, Myself

PROLOGUE

There are many reasons why I wrote this book. While this is my story about experiences of grief and loss, it is about more than grief alone. And although I tell the story of two lives – of a daughter and her mother – neither does it fit purely within the genre of memoir. My initial intention in writing was to enable Simone to live on in the pages of this book, so that others could come to know her and learn something from the story of her life. And I hoped to give her short life additional meaning and purpose, into the future.

I was also strongly motivated by my desire to share what I have learnt about the joys, trials and complexities of the mother–daughter relationship. I felt that I had something significant to share about the crucial importance of unconditional love and acceptance in assisting us to be the best parent we can be for our children.

As I wrote, unexpectedly, my grief and loss took over. It was as though sorrow took hold of my pen and wrote its own truth. It wasn’t planned, it just happened. So, this book has a strong message to share about the raw pain and the struggle of losing someone whom you love. I hope that by reading my words, you will feel less alone and less abnormal throughout your own journey through loss.

I also wanted to share something of my personal journey with mental health struggles, both before and after the loss of my daughter. As I sat and listened, in my capacity as a counsellor, I heard stories from others who struggled with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and self-worth; they had relationship struggles, they suffered with grief and loss. I was struck by an urgent desire to share my story, especially what I have learnt through my journey, in order to help others, to assist in the process of transforming a life – the way my own life has been transformed.

I felt that I had some insights to share that just might make a difference, and provide encouragement and hope. And if I was able to do it, you might see that you, too, can make it through challenges and emerge stronger and more empowered to make the necessary changes in your life. I wanted you to know that you can find joy, inner peace and healing alongside the grief of losing someone you love, or parenting in a less-than-ideal way, or having been parented imperfectly. You can find self-forgiveness, self-compassion and a new caring, healthy relationship with yourself.

My greatest hope for this book is that it will assist you to build strong, loving relationships with your children. And that you will learn to love and fully accept yourself and grow in grace and self-compassion, as these are the gifts that nurture and develop us as parents and as human beings. I’m hopeful that you will become the best version of yourself, and be able to assist your children to complete this journey for themselves.

INTRODUCTION

My beautiful daughter Simone died in a car accident when she was just twenty-one.

Losing Simone changed me. To lose your child is a heartbreaking, life-changing tragedy. For me, losing Simone was a complicated, heartbreaking, life-changing tragedy.

Simone was my first-born. She was unique – lovable, loving, quirky, joyful, passionate, infuriating, complex, enthusiastic, genuine, frustrating, paradoxical, confusing, amazing! Simone embodied both the best and the worst of me. I loved her, but she frustrated the heck out of me. I spent her entire lifetime trying to be a better mother and, it pains me to admit, trying to make her a better daughter. There were times when our relationship flourished, when we really clicked and could enjoy each other’s company. But there were many, many other times when I was not the kind of mother I wanted to be. When I was not the best version of myself.

I have struggled with my own demons – anxiety, depression, anger, low self-esteem, abandonment, guilt, shame, doubting my faith – the whole emotional rollercoaster. And I found parenting hard work.

Significant grief had already been part of my life when Simone died – through the loss of my brother to suicide and my mother to a sudden death by stroke.

I believe that sharing our life stories is a powerful source of learning and that we can heal, grow and transform by understanding how someone else made it through the challenges of their life. I say this because learning from others is what has helped me most. When I hear the stories of friends, clients, writers, teachers, trainers, ministers and colleagues, I learn, I grow, I change. Robert Atkinson² reflects that understanding our own life journey assists us to comprehend not only ourselves but also others and the world we live in. He considers the sharing of life stories to be a source of connection between us and a benefit for us all.

What helps me most when I read others’ stories is knowing that I am not alone, that others have walked a similar path and they’ve survived. Others have experienced pain, grief, loss, sadness and heartache and they made it through. And, most importantly – for me, anyway – they didn’t make it through easily or perfectly. They made mistakes, failed, stuffed up. It is through their humanity, not through their perfection, that I am encouraged.

Although I work as a qualified counsellor, and will be drawing from psychology and counselling principles and sources as I write, I am speaking foremost from one imperfect human being to another.

I want Simone’s life to have made as much difference as it can. I want my own life to make as much difference as it can.

So, this is for you, Simone. And for me. And it’s also for you, dear reader …

CHAPTER 1

HER INNER LIGHT

Have you ever known someone whose presence radiated warmth, light and sincerity? Someone who, when you looked into their eyes, beamed out joy, sparking joy. And when you looked closer you noticed that the joy was mixed with love, peace, goodness, warmth, compassion, contentment and hope.

All my life I have been looking out for people like that. Not actively searching for them, just watching and noticing. Wanting to be near them, to live my life with them. They are a blessing to be around. I have been fortunate enough to know some people like that, people whose lives have intersected with mine, sometimes briefly, sometimes longer. Simone had that inner light. It lived and breathed within her.

Although I lived and loved Simone for twenty-one years – somehow, I didn’t fully appreciate that light. In our too brief time together, I only recognised glimpses of this light, this beauty of spirit. It was only after she was taken from me that I realised her inner light had been there all the time. I just didn’t always see it, or value it. I paid close attention when this light emanated from others, and yet I failed to appreciate it in my own daughter.

Her friends saw it; one of Simone’s fellow youth group leaders, Bec, speaking after her death, said of her, ‘Your radiant soul shone out of you and lit up any room you entered. You had this joy inside of you that was so intense that it looked like it could just burst out of you.’ I couldn’t have captured Simone’s essence better myself.

Then how could I have been so blind as to not appreciate and enjoy the treasure that I had been living with all those years? After she died, it was as if the scales fell from my eyes and I could finally see her, understand her, appreciate her. But I saw it too late. This is my heartache. To recognise this truth about Simone when I could no longer celebrate, love and enjoy her, completely, unconditionally.

There were times – glimpses – when I experienced her inner light. One such glimpse occurred on our last family day out together, three days before the accident. It was Father’s Day, 2008. Tony (my husband) and Simone were keen to go to Cockatoo Island, to view the installation art for the Biennale of Sydney,* so we decided to make it a family occasion.

It was a beautiful day. It was cool, still early spring, but the sky was clear and blue. We sat outside on the ferry for a while, enjoying the sea and being on a boat. Simone was so excited about showing us all the art installations that she had seen on an earlier visit to the island. We retreated after a while into the warmth of the ferry. The interior was old, faded and dilapidated. As we sat there, the conversation turned to eye colour and genetically inherited traits.

What happened next is crystal clear. It’s a moment that has been frozen in time, printed evocatively in my mind’s eye. I was sitting down and Simone was standing up, excited and restless, looking around and chattering nonstop, as was her way. Simone was insisting that her eyes were more blue than green. I disagreed, ‘No, they are definitely more green than blue.’ Then I stopped and looked carefully into her eyes, staring at them for a long, full moment. As I stared, I was captured by the love and warmth in her eyes. I forgot to look at what colour they really were. All I could see was the joy, warmth, wisdom and love staring back at me, through her eyes.

She really loves me, I thought, with surprise.

I have never forgotten that moment. A moment where we connected, mother to daughter. Oh, how often since have I wished that I could stare into her eyes forever.

When Simone died, she was twenty-one. She stood 165 cm tall. She had long, thick, honey blonde hair that she often fiddled with when reflective or distracted. She had greeny-blue eyes that sparkled with interest, honesty and warmth.

If you were new to Simone, you might find her quiet, shy and reserved, maybe a little withdrawn. You might have a hard time making eye contact. Sometimes, she looked a little dazed, as though her mind was caught up in some other place, some other time zone. As she grew up, she had become short-sighted, so she always had to wear glasses. By the age of twenty-one, however, she had graduated to contact lenses, so she wore her glasses less frequently. Her last pair of glasses had a cool red frame that suited her colouring; I thought they made her look quite trendy and interesting.

Simone had a small face, clear pale skin and, quite naturally, the most perfectly shaped and arched eyebrows I have ever seen. She never plucked her eyebrows, they just grew this way. She had small features, with a dainty nose, small ears and mouth. Her face often held a secretive little smile. A Mona Lisa smile. When she was embarrassed, her face would suffuse with colour; it was hard for her to blush discreetly! Her colouring was best suited to bright colours, rather than neutral tones. She looked great in reds, oranges, hot pinks and floral prints; black, too, always looked good on her.

In build, Simone had a petite frame, though with what you might call child-bearing hips and a generous bottom – characteristics that often caused her despair when she was trying to find jeans or a figure-flattering dress. She had long arms, with elegant, long, tapered fingers, perfect for playing the piano or, in her case, holding a paintbrush.

If you met Simone at a social gathering, you would expect to find her in a colourful, feminine dress. Or a pretty skirt and top. If you met her at university, she would probably be wearing her favourite art jeans. They were a casual, comfortable style, ripped in places and spattered with paint remnants, from many happy hours spent painting and creating artworks.

Simone was generally quietly spoken and gentle in nature. She was kind and caring, and had a heart that always wanted to help others – whether it was listening to her siblings and friends when they were going through tough times, knitting a scarf to cheer up a good friend, or her involvement in church, ministering to children and adolescent girls.

Those who knew Simone could not help but be taken in by the joy and radiance that shone from her eyes. It seemed like an aura to me at times, a glow that physically emanated from her radiant expression. When she looked at me, I often felt that she had a knowing look in her eyes. As though she really got me, genuinely understood me.

Generally, Simone preferred to avoid the spotlight. She was more of a behind-the-scenes kind of girl, working well with a team, but also independently, on whatever her role required. Neither would she be the life of the party – she was more likely to be involved in quiet conversations with others.

Once you got to know Simone, however, you would often find her to be very talkative, excitable and enthusiastic, especially if she was talking about a subject close to her heart – such as her family, art or Christianity. Simone could be intense – she had strong views on a variety of subjects – and as she became more comfortable with you, she would share more of her mind and heart. I wouldn’t call her a touchy-feely kind of person, but if she loved you, her hugs were warm and generous.

In the heart of our close-knit, loving family, Simone was affectionate, kind, caring and bubbly. She was a passionate, vibrant girl full of life, love, affection, humour and fun. She talked a lot. She always had a lot to say, to share. She was an interesting companion and observer of life. I knew that I could have a day out with Simone and it would be filled with conversation, fun, good food, multiple cups of tea, intense discussion and strong views on a variety of subjects. She felt things deeply. She had so much personality, so much character, that her influence on each of us remains with us strongly.

Simone filled a unique role. Eldest daughter, eldest sister, upholder of good morals and strong values. She was a central force in our household. Without intending to do so, she embodied the heart and soul of our family. Like most of us, she was most fully herself at home. Although she talked a lot, she also listened when she knew you needed it. Her brothers, Daniel and Matt, sister Laura and her many friends will attest to this. She had lots of interests – art, books, relationships, Christianity, philosophy, politics, history – each of which would preoccupy her at times.

Her mood could change like the wind. It was often hard to know which Simone you were going to get. From excited and passionate, to moody quietness, to sadness, to annoyance and inflexibility. Sometimes to anger, especially first thing in the morning. She was not a morning person! We all remember her resounding thumping up and down the stairs first thing in the morning. None of the younger kids wanted to be the one to wake her up in the morning; they said it was too scary!

Sometimes, Simone could be pretty hyper. This would express itself in loud and enthusiastic renditions of her favourite songs, loud and fervent conversations on topics of interest, or just constant jiggling and movement. If she was really happy and enjoying herself, she was known to literally be swinging and dancing, full of life and energy. My daughter Laura recalls her coming back from the city with the church youth group and swinging around the train poles.

At other times, Simone was the opposite of bubbly. I was surprised to notice that on our home videos Simone often avoided the camera and her presence was quiet and serene. These videos don’t show the loud, chatty person I remember her to be.

One of the qualities I valued about Simone was her enthusiasm for life. I loved how excited she became about the matters that interested her. When Simone was into something, she was fully into it. No half measures. This did lead, however, to some full-on experiences. If Simone liked somebody, she loved them – she was consumed by her interest in them. (I am thinking romantic relationships here.) She was also a devoted and loyal friend, not giving up on people easily.

She loved the Harry Potter series of books, reading and re-reading them multiple times, and was heavily into fan fiction, even writing her own version of wizarding stories. If she was reading a book, often a thick fantasy novel, she was fully engrossed within its pages and found it hard to pull herself away, back to real life. She often loved to quote and perform lines from her favourite movies. She watched some of these movies so often she could quote infinite lines of script. She loved comedies – the Monty Python movies and Robin Hood: Men in Tights – especially romantic comedies. Some of her favourites were Ever After: A Cinderella Story, 50 First Dates and Never Been Kissed to name a few. Simone had a zany sense of humour, but it was never at another’s expense.

She also loved to play on the computer – sometimes too much – at the expense of her university studies or sleeping time. She became obsessed with the Sims game, devoting countless hours to developing a virtual Easterbrook family, focusing on making sure this computer-generated family matched our own real family as closely as possible.

Simone’s tendency to be fully into everything she did often led to her running late. She was the one who drove the kids to youth group, and sometimes to school or on other excursions, but she couldn’t be trusted to be on time. A common sight was Simone finishing off a talk or study to present at youth group – still writing it – as she was walking out the door! Or printing if off at the very last minute. This also happened with school and university assignments, projects or artworks.

Simone tended to travel heavy. If she was going away for a holiday, even a camping trip, she would spend many happy hours selecting a wide range of clothes and accessories to bring along. Simone was renowned for this in her church group and Beach Mission; it was expected that she would be accompanied by large bags of clothes, and also a multitude of art supplies and craft resources to share.

Simone loved to eat. She had a particular love of lollies, ice-cream, raw cake or cookie mixture, bacon and meat, any kind of meat. She was quite the carnivore! Simone was never interested in alcohol, but she adored tea. She was one of the early converts to T2, before they became popular. At her instigation, we put up a cupboard in our kitchen dedicated to all things tea – a multitude of different flavours and types of tea, as well as teapots, tea caddies and teacups. This love of hers was definitely passed on to the rest of our family.

She often had cold hands. She suffered from poor circulation and developed juvenile arthritis, which was quite painful. So, she was often warmly dressed, complete with gloves and beanie. She had a pink beanie that she loved to wear, and she definitely preferred the heat to the cold.

Daniel, Laura and Matt remember Simone as being very motherly in nature, calling her their second mum. When I wasn’t very patient or calm brushing Laura’s hair, she turned to her sister for help. When she got her period, she put some of her awkward and confused questions to Simone. When Daniel or Laura felt isolated in social situations, they would seek Simone out so they didn’t feel so alone. When I was busy or preoccupied, they would turn to Simone for comfort or help.

Tony enjoyed having robust conversations with Simone, often late at night or when they were travelling together. He enjoyed her interest in a wide variety of subjects and found her to be like a sponge, eager to soak up knowledge and information. He enjoyed going out with her to art exhibitions, galleries or installations. They had a shared interest in modern art, so they loved hanging out at the Museum of Contemporary Art as well as the Art Gallery of NSW.

Simone had an enormous sense of self-confidence and self-belief. If she set her mind to do something, nothing would hold her back. She didn’t seem to worry about what other people thought of her – a quality I must admit that I envied. She would walk around the university campus laden with multiple huge canvases, with no thought of how she might appear to others. If Simone wanted to do something, such as the Duke of Edinburgh scheme, she would do it; she wouldn’t be held back if none of her friends wanted to join. She wore her painting jeans with pride. She talked about her Christian faith blatantly and brazenly; she was never apologetic or reserved about her beliefs. Her Facebook page featured a bold statement of her Christian beliefs. She drove the family van – a Nissan Nomad people mover – with pride, filled to the seams with canvases and art paraphernalia, blaring Christian rock music, loud and strong. You could hear Simone coming down our street before you saw her car!

Simone was a curious mixture of contradictions. Though there were many areas in her