36

3. PROMOTE THE DEVELOPMENT OF

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN OTHERS
3.1 Provide opportunities for others to express their
thoughts and feelings
It can be quite daunting for people with whom you work and manage to express
their thoughts and feelings. In a working environment we are often told not
to and instead to maintain a professional manner and attitude at all times.
This is certainly true of colleagues working with customers and members of
the public, and also in terms of maintaining positive and courteous working
relationships with one another. However, that is not to say you cannot provide
safe opportunities for your team to have their thoughts and feelings heard.
The benefits of developing emotional intelligence within your workforce are
multiple, but perhaps the best one for managers of people, is that if they are
able to manage their own emotions themselves, you dont have to spend time
doing it for them. It enables both you and your workforce to get on with the task
in hand without having to spend time dealing with issues and incidents of an
emotional nature.
Possible opportunities you could provide your workforce to express their
thoughts and feelings include:
f Training sessions hold paid, group training sessions as part of the personal
development of each employee that cover:
benefits of the development of emotional intelligence such as better
performance at work, higher income, job stability and job satisfaction
body language you looked at emotional states and emotional cues in
chapter 2.1. Use this information to help your workforce understand
their own behaviours and the impact it has on others perception of their
emotional state
active listening let them practice the art of active listening which
incudes:
giving their full attention
not talking over the top of others
maintaining eye contact (for facetoface interactions), except where eye
contact may be culturally inappropriate
repeating back what the speaker has said
speaking clearly and concisely
using appropriate language and tone of voice
using appropriate nonverbal communication (body language) personal
presentation (for facetoface interactions)
f Developing self-awareness give employees five minutes at the end of their
shift to keep a daily journal in which they reflect upon their emotions and
feelings from that day
f One to one meetings offer each employee a short, five minute meeting with
yourself in which they can talk to you about any concerns they have or to get

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worries/frustrations off their chest in a controlled and safe environment. This

could be beneficial to you as a manager as they may raise issues of which
you were unaware that could be threatening to the organisation or to other
employees
f Difficult conversations actively encourage your employees to meet with you
to have the difficult conversations about taboo issues that are usually swept
under the carpet
f Build time into team meetings for rants and moans in your regular
meetings, allow a short period of time that can be used for employees to
have a rant about their frustrations but make sure that when you move on,
you really do move on
f Build optimism use very opportunity to provide positive feedback to your
employees, either individually or in groups. The more genuine praise you
shower on them the more buoyant their confidence and motivation. Equally,
use opportunities to provide developmental feedback that encourages self-
reflection
f Specific developmental goal for each colleague build into their personal
appraisals specific goals in their development of emotional intelligence so
they have something quantifiable for which to aim.
Providing your workforce with safe opportunities to express their feelings and
emotions away from the shop floor will encourage them, as individuals and a
group, to start taking responsibility for their own emotions and behaviours and
understand those of others around them.

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Activity 3.1

Select a possibility from the list below to provide others in your team an
opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings and explain how the process
would work.
f Training sessions
f Daily journal
f One to one meetings
f Difficult conversations
f Build time into meetings
for moans
f Build optimism
f Specific goals.

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3.2 Assist others to understand the effect of their

behaviour and emotions on others in the workplace
3.3 Encourage the self-management of emotions in
others
A big part of developing emotional intelligence is not just understanding and
managing your own emotions but understanding how your behaviour and
emotions affect others around you. It is incredibly important to be self-aware
and reflect on your actions and behaviour and it is also important to seek
feedback from others in order to gain a full perspective of the impact of your
behaviour and emotions on others. As stated earlier, an emotion or behaviour
that upsets one colleague, such as using expletives in frustration, may not even
register with another.
Listening to feedback from colleagues about their own displays of emotion and
behaviour can be quite an emotive process for some individuals and it should be
handled sensitively and privately. Restorative approaches are quite powerful and
meaningful in these circumstances.

Restorative justice
Restorative justice is actually an approach to criminal justice where the
emphasis is not on punishment but on repairing the damage that has been
caused. It focuses on the needs of both the victim and the offender, where
the two come together to agree a resolution to the matter. Resolutions
can be incredibly innovative and enlightening and can build and strengthen
relationships.
It works just as well in community situations including the workplace. A
restorative meeting takes place when somebody or a group of people have
caused harm or offence to another person or another group of people. It is a
controlled conversation in a calm environment that is mediated by somebody
impartial and usually of higher authority than those involved. Ground rules are
set at the beginning by which all parties around the table must abide in order for
the conversation to run smoothly.
The idea of the restorative meeting is to enable those that have been harmed or
offended to explain to the person that has caused the harm how their behaviour
made them feel and why. It also gives the person that has caused the harm
to explain to the person they harmed how they felt and why they behaved the
way they did. It gives both parties the opportunity to reflect on their emotional
responses to the situation and think about what they could have done differently.
It also gives both parties the opportunity to tell each other what they need from
the other person to repair the situation and what they need to do themselves to
resolve the matter.
Restorative meetings can be quite powerful when two colleagues come face to
face to discuss their emotions and feelings. Often the true extent of the harm
caused and the emotions felt are not realised until discussed directly with those
involved. Often the person who has caused the harm has little or no idea of the

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impact their behaviour and emotions have had on others and it can be a sincere and
honest lesson learned for future behaviour and emotional responses.
Restorative meetings cannot be forced upon individuals; the conversations must be
honest in order to be meaningful and truly restore the harm that has been caused.
If one of the parties is reluctant to take part they are unlikely to say what they
really feel which will render the meeting useless. Talking openly about feelings in
the workplace is quite a difficult concept to grasp and get involved with for a lot of
people but it can be a truly liberating and enlightening experience for all involved.
Even for the person chairing the meeting, particularly if you are the manager of
those involved as it gives you more of an insight into their psyche and helps you
understand their behaviour further. Whilst the outcome of the meeting is ultimately
up to those involved, by acting as mediator you can subtly steer the conversation to
ensure that the result is satisfactory to you as their manager.
It is worth taking time to consider practical aspects to a restorative meeting in
order to make it as successful as possible, such as:
f Time when are you going to hold the meeting?
how long after the incident has occurred too soon and emotions may not
have settled sufficiently to have a rational conversation and/or each party
may not have had enough time to reflect on their emotions. too long and the
impact of the behaviour may have been forgotten
time of day at the end of a busy shift and parties may not give their full
attention. you should also take into account key times in the working day
when the parties involved need to be completing time-specific tasks
restorative meetings can go on for some time depending on the amount of
people involved, the extent and severity of the incident up for discussion, and
the personalities of those involved. ensure you schedule plenty of time so the
meeting is not rushed or you run out of time and a resolution is not reached
in or out of work time taking colleagues off the shop floor at the same time
might cause them embarrassment, but bringing them into the workplace in
their own time might also cause resentment and inconvenience
f Location practical things to consider include:
size of the room is it big enough for the number of people involved?
furniture in the room:
is there a table and is it an appropriate size and shape?
are there enough chairs and are they sufficiently comfortable?
if there are windows in the room are there blinds to keep prying eyes
out?
temperature of the room if the room is too hot or cold it will be a
distraction
noise:
if the room is on a thoroughfare people passing are likely to be a
distraction
sound travels, particularly if the conversation gets heated and voices
become raised you dont want other people in the workplace to hear the
discussion
on or off site?
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f Set up of the room you want those involved to be as comfortable and at

ease as possible. Consider:
The shape of the table all parties involved need to be able to see one
another clearly
Where the mediator is going to sit usually at the head of the table in
order to convey impartiality
Where you want the parties involved to sit:
this is quite simple if there are only two people as you would naturally
sit them opposite each other
if both the harmed and the harmer are groups of people similar in size
would you sit them in their respective groups on each side of the table
or would you split them up so they are disbanded?
If there is only one person that has been harmed and a group of
people that have caused the harm how would you seat them? Seating
the group opposite the individual could compound the harm that has
already been caused due to the impression of strength in numbers
Talking piece during a restorative meeting, one of the fundamental
rules is that only one person talks at once. Sometimes people find this
hard to comply with when someone says something to which they totally
object but have to remain silent and listen. Having a talking piece, any
object of your choice, that is held by the speaker whilst making their
contribution, is a visual reminder to the rest of the group that they must
remain silent when they are not holding it.
f Minutes all restorative meetings should be recorded and minutes held
on the personnel file of each colleague involved. Are you going to make the
notes or are you going to request administrative support from a colleague?
f Disturbances restorative meetings should be private and uninterrupted
affairs since the people involved are discussing personal feelings and
emotions and they do not want colleagues barging in on the conversation.
Interruptions also disrupt the flow of the discussion and can have a negative
impact on the outcome. Put a sign up on the outside of the door saying
Meeting in progress. Do not disturb.
All these things may seem quite trivial but you must respect the fact that you
are asking your colleagues to reveal their personal feelings and emotions to
one another when they may have only ever muttered a couple of words to one
another in passing in the corridor. You should make the experience as calm
and valuable as possible. Not only that, if they have a positive experience of a
restorative meeting they are more likely to engage in the process again and
recommend it to others.
Questions for restorative meetings
As chair of the meeting you should have a standard set of questions that you
ask to both the person who has been harmed or offended and the person that
has caused the harm or offence. The questions centre on thoughts, feelings and
emotions before, during and after the incident, rather than the actual behaviour
or action itself. The following template is a guide and can be adapted for your
own purposes.

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Restorative meeting
Guide for chairpersons
Opening:
f Introduce yourself and your role in the organisation (if necessary)
f Inform all parties that you are only there to chair the meeting and are
totally impartial
f Explain the purpose of the meeting an incident has occurred that has
affected all the parties involved in some way and you are all here to resolve
the matter
f Inform everyone that they will all have an opportunity to speak but must
wait until it is their turn and must not talk over or interrupt anyone else
whilst they are speaking
f Explain the presence of the minute taker (if you have one) is to record the
conversation and that they will all receive a copy of the minutes and a copy
will be placed on their personnel file
f Reassure all parties that the meeting is private and whatever is said during
the meeting will not be repeated to other parties
f Encourage honesty and transparency.

Questions:
1. What happened?
2. What were you doing before it happened?
3. What were you thinking before it happened?
4. How did you feel before it happened?
5. What were you thinking when it was happening?
6. How did you feel when it was happening?
7. What did you do after it happened?
8. What were you thinking after it happened?
9. How did you feel after it happened?
10. What do you think about what happened now?
11. How do you feel now about what happened?
12. How do you think other people felt about what happened?
13. Who has been affected by what happened?
14. What could you have done differently?
15. What do you need to do to resolve the matter?
16. What do you need others to do to resolve the matter?

It is up to you, or indeed the parties involved, who starts the speaking. If the
incident was quite serious and affected a large number of people, the answer
to the question that asks, Who has been affected by what happened? can
have quite a significant impact on the understanding of the parties involved,
particularly if you make a visual representation of the all those affected, either
by writing a list of names or drawing a diagram.

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Example of a restorative meeting

Henry and Jason are both waiters in a family restaurant. They are usually good
friends and both are usually mellow, friendly and hard-working members of the
team. Henry checks the shift rota to find that a new member of the team, Nell,
has been put down for a number of his usual shifts. Without thinking, Henry
marches over to Nell who is taking a customers order in the busy restaurant
and starts shouting expletives and gesticulating at her for taking his shifts. Nell
has no idea what he is talking about. Jason hears the commotion and intervenes.
Henry shouts at Jason and accuses him of fancying Nell. The supervisor hears
the shouting and takes control, ushering Henry away from the public arena.
As a manager you know that Henrys behaviour was out of character and suspect
that there may be more to this than resentment at a reduction in shifts. You have
also checked the rota and realise that the supervisor had made a mistake and
that Henrys shifts should not have been altered. You speak to Henry who states
that he is having some financial difficulties at present and needs all the shifts
he can get. He is mortified about his behaviour and wants to make amends. You
suggest that a restorative meeting would be a possible way forward. All parties
agree.
Parties involved in the restorative meeting include:
f Henry (the harmer)
f Nell (the harmed)
f Jason (the harmed)
f The supervisor (a contributor and one of the affected)
Questions to Henry

Questions Potential responses from Henry

What happened? I went mad at Nell because I thought shed
pinched my shifts. I think I swore at her. And I
shouted at Jason for trying to help.
What were you doing I was checking the rota to see if there was any
before it happened? overtime and I saw that Nell had been put down
for three of my usual shifts.
What were you thinking That shes only been working here two minutes
before it happened? and already shes stealing other peoples shifts.
How did you feel before it Angry. I cant afford to lose any shifts. I needed
happened? more not less. Worried as well that I wouldnt be
able to make the rent this month if I lost those
shifts.
What were you thinking I wasnt thinking.
when it was happening?
How did you feel when it Out of control. Really mad.
was happening?
What did you do after it I went home.
happened?

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What were you thinking I thought I might have lost my job.

after it happened?
How did you feel after it Annoyed and angry at the loss of shifts and also
happened? angry with myself for probably losing my job.
What do you think about After you told me about the mix up with the rota I
what happened now? think I was an idiot.
How do you feel now Embarrassed. Ashamed. Really sorry about
about what happened? upsetting Nell and Jason. Relieved I havent lost
my job.
How do you think other Shocked. Upset.
people felt about what
happened?
What could you have done Spoken to the supervisor before I went off on one.
differently? None of this would have happened.
What do you need to do to I need to apologise to Nell and Jason, and the
resolve the matter? supervisor. And I need to explain that it was
nothing to do with them, Im just under a bit of
financial pressure at the minute and I lost my
rag. Its not an excuse, but thats why I responded
the way I did.
What do you need others Id like Jason to forgive me. And Id like Nell to
to do to resolve the give me another chance since she doesnt know
matter? me very well and Im actually quite a nice guy.
Questions to Nell

Questions Potential responses from Nell

What happened? I was just taking an order from a family when
Henry came out of nowhere and started yelling
abuse at me about stealing his shifts in front of
the whole restaurant.
What were you doing Just taking the order from the customer.
before it happened?
What were you thinking Whether the kid was ever going to decide what
before it happened? flavour ice cream he wanted.
How did you feel before it Fine. Enjoying my shift.
happened?
What were you thinking I just thought, What is he going on about?
when it was happening? and then When is he going to stop? The whole
restaurant was looking at him.
How did you feel when it Surprised at first. Then a bit scared because he
was happening? was really going for it. Not just shouting, he was
waving his arms around as well.

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What did you do after it I apologised to the customers I was serving and
happened? then went into the back to put their order in.
What were you thinking That he was nuts. And I wondered whether the
after it happened? customers might complain and what I would tell
them if they did.
How did you feel after it I was physically shaking right after. He really
happened? scared me. And I was quite embarrassed for him
because he made a real fool of himself. And then
I was worried about the extra shifts he had said I
had been given because Im at uni on those days
and cant do them.
What do you think about Now I know the reason for it I can understand
what happened now? how Henry felt but I still think it was a bit much.
How do you feel now I feel bad for Henry.
about what happened?
How do you think other The customers in the restaurant were quite
people felt about what shocked and I think some were a bit frightened.
happened? I think others thought it was quite funny. I know
the supervisor felt awful when he realised hed
made the mistakes on the rota and had sent
Henry home without explaining. Jason was really
worried about him.
What could you have done I maybe should have tried to calm him down and
differently? take him into the back but I was just so surprised
by what he had done.
What do you need to do to I need to accept Henrys apology and get to know
resolve the matter? him properly. Id also like to offer him a couple of
my shifts because Ive got loads of deadlines for
uni coming up and I havent got time to do them.
What do you need others Id like Henry to apologise to Jason.
to do to resolve the
matter?
Questions to Jason

Questions Potential responses from Jason

What happened? Henry went absolutely mad at Nell, swearing at
her for stealing his shifts. I went over to try and
calm him down and he yelled at me that I was
poking my nose in because I fancied Nell.
What were you doing Just tidying up behind the bar.
before it happened?
What were you thinking What I was going to have for dinner.
before it happened?

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How did you feel before it I was looking forward to my break and my
happened? dinner.
What were you thinking That this isnt like Henry and wondering why
when it was happening? he was being so aggressive. Nothing normally
bothers him.
How did you feel when it I was worried about Nell and what she thought
was happening? of Henry. And I was embarrassed for Henry
because all the customers were watching. Then I
was annoyed at his comment about me fancying
Nell, because I dont.
What did you do after it I carried on working. I didnt get to take my
happened? break because after Henry went we were short
staffed.
What were you thinking I was wondering what made him do it.
after it happened?
How did you feel after it Worried about Henry. And embarrassed for
happened? him. And embarrassed about the comment he
made about me fancying Nell. After what had
just happened to her I didnt really think it was
appropriate for me to say, Oh, by the way, I
dont fancy you. So then I felt awkward for the
rest of the shift.
What do you think about I wish hed told me about his financial problems.
what happened now? Id have lent him some money or offered him a
couple of my shifts.
How do you feel now about I feel sorry for Henry.
what happened?
How do you think other I think everyone was just really surprised. I know
people felt about what Nell was quite scared by the experience.
happened?
What could you have done I maybe shouldnt have waded in. I think I made
differently? the situation worse.
What do you need to do to I need to make sure Henry knows Im here for
resolve the matter? him if he needs any help. And I also need to tell
Nell that I dont fancy her.
What do you need others I want Henry to apologise to Nell and for Nell
to do to resolve the to give another chance to find out what a nice
matter? guy he really is. I also want Henry to tell my
girlfriend that I dont fancy Nell and that he just
made it up.

In this sort of scenario, where the incident is quite serious and a number of
people have been involved, it is useful to leave the question about who has been
affected until the end for all parties involved to answer collaboratively because
often each party has a different view on who was affected and why, and it has a
greater impact when combined.

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Questions Potential responses from all parties

Who has been f Henry
affected by what f Nell
happened?
f Nells flat mates she told them all about it when
she got home
f Jason Jasons girlfriend who then worried
whether Jason did actually fancy Nell
f Supervisor
f Manager
f 50 customers who witnessed the incident
f The business half of the customers might not
return, all were given a discount on their meals,
word of mouth from the customers about the
incident.

You can see that the emotions and needs of all of the parties involved are quite
similar, each one feeling empathy for each other and wanting to try and repair
the situation themselves. Restorative meetings can also reveal personal issues
that are hindering the performance of colleagues or that as a manager you
can respond in a supportive manner. For example, you could offer Henry some
additional shifts or give him an advance in his wages to help with his financial
problems.

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Activity 3.2

Identify a situation in the workplace with which you have dealt that involved the
behaviour and/or emotions of a colleague(s) affecting others in the workplace
where a restorative meeting could have been held to help those involved
understand the effect of their behaviour and emotions on others.
Imagine that you chaired a restorative meeting between the parties involved
and document their responses in the tables below.

Name of person involved:

Questions Potential response

What happened?

What were you

doing before it
happened?
What were you
thinking before it
happened?

How did you feel

before it happened?

What were you

thinking when it
happened?
How did you
feel when it was
happening?

What did you do

after it happened?

What were you

thinking after it
happened?

How did you feel

after it happened?

What do you think

now?

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Name of person involved:

Questions Potential response

How do you feel

now?

How do you think

other people felt?

Who has been

affected by what
happened?

What could you have

done differently?

What do you need

to do to resolve the
matter?
What do you need
from others to
resolve the matter?

Name of person involved:

Questions Potential response

What happened?

What were you doing

before it happened?
What were you
thinking before it
happened?
How did you feel
before it happened?
What were you
thinking when it
happened?
How did you
feel when it was
happening?

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Name of person involved:

Questions Potential response

What did you do after

it happened?
What were you
thinking after it
happened?
How did you feel
after it happened?

What do you think

now?

How do you feel

now?

How do you think

other people felt?
Who has been
affected by what
happened?
What could you have
done differently?
What do you need
to do to resolve the
matter?
What do you need
from others to
resolve the matter?

Name of person involved:

Questions Potential response

What happened?

What were you doing

before it happened?
What were you
thinking before it
happened?

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Name of person involved:

Questions Potential response

How did you feel

before it happened?
What were you
thinking when it
happened?
How did you
feel when it was
happening?
What did you do after
it happened?
What were you
thinking after it
happened?
How did you feel
after it happened?

What do you think

now?

How do you feel

now?

How do you think

other people felt?
Who has been
affected by what
happened?
What could you have
done differently?
What do you need
to do to resolve the
matter?
What do you need
from others to
resolve the matter?

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