Developmental Stages of Stepfamilies - The Stepfamily Cycle

JAN SCHARMAN

This address was given at the 2000 BYU Families Under Fire Conference

© 2000 by Brigham Young University

Division of Continuing Education.
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APsychological research corroborates that knowing what to expect lowers stress.

FANTASY STAGE: Most stepfamily members bring a complex set of fantasies, wishes, and
unspoken expectations to their new relationships; Later experience may prove these fantasies
embarrassingly inaccurate; There is an unspoken sense of Ahow it should be; Often a hope that
the new family will provide the reliable and nourishing relationships that may have been
missing; Giving up fantasies is hard because it means another loss; The need for stepparent and
stepchild or stepsiblings to love each other may create impossible burdens; There is often
surprising hostility or indifference; The family is divided along biological lines; Adults yearn to
heal the pain created by divorce or death; Children often continue to desire to see their parents
back together.

IMMERSION STAGE: The reality of stepfamily structure begins to be felt; Stepparent has an
outsider position and biological parent and child remain intensely connected; Stepparents often
have unexpectedly strong negative feelings B jealousy, resentment, confusion, inadequacy;
Biological parent may interpret the step parents difficulty joining the new family as evidence of
lack of commitment; Often an uneasy feeling that something is amiss and the stepparent may
believe AIt must be me.

AWARENESS STAGE: Stepfamily members make more sense out of the confusion; Names are
put to feelings and they are experienced more fully; Stepparent more clearly understands the
power of the biological parent-child connection; Stepparents begins to feel less self-deprecating;
Accepting reality allows the stepparent to be more clear of his or her needs; Fantasies of an
instant family are relinquished and the stepparent begins to know the strangers he or she has
joined; Biological parents begin to understand more clearly that they are the only ones truly
connected to both children and spouse; Biological parents begin to increase awareness of exactly
what was gained and lost by the remarriage.

MOBILIZATION STAGE: Differences are much more openly expressed; This may be a
chaotic, embattled period; Stepparents may begin speaking up with more energy about their
needs for inclusion and for change; Stepparents may experience relief at being heard, but
biological parents may feel more pressure as they decide whether to hang onto the past or change
to meet the stepparents requests; Step-parents more vocal desire to distance form an ex-spouse
may conflict with the biological parents need to maintain a civil relationship; Arguments may
appear trivial, but are often over whether the biological subsystem will remain stable or whether
the step-people will be able to generate enough change to make themselves comfortable.

ACTION STAGE: This is the stage where negotiations are made about how the family will
function; Moves in this stage change the family structure as new boundaries are drawn; The
family now has enough understanding so that every family activity is no longer a potential power
struggle between insiders and outsiders.
CONTACT STAGE: The family begins without constant attention to step issues; This is often
the honeymoon stage; Are now new areas of agreement within which the family can function
easily; There are more one-on-one relationships rather than triangulated relationships;
Stepparents and children begin to forge real relationships; It is ONLY NOW, after the major
structural changes, that a clearly defined stepparent role emerges.

RESOLUTION STAGE: The stepfamily now has solid and reliable step relationships; Norms are
established and a history has begun to build; Although some children may be more inside the
family than others, there is clarity about and acceptance of this fact; The stepparent role now
brings satisfaction and nourishment; Stepparent is now solidly established as an Aintimate
outsider; He or she is intimate enough to be a confidante, and outside enough to provide support
and mentoring in areas too threatening to share with biological parents; The family faces the
remnants of its fantasies B it is a time of grieving once more the reality of non-biological and
non-custodial parenting; Step issues continue to arise and the family may re-experience the entire
stepfamily cycle with divergent fantasies about how it will all work out, however, even large
differences no longer threaten the couple or stepparent-stepchild relationship.

Faster families complete the entire cycle in about 4 years. Average-paced families take
about 7 years. Slower families remain in the 3 early stages longer than 4 years and a few for as
many as 12 years . Some of the last group end in divorce, others remain stuck, and a small
number eventually move on successfully.
Speed and ease of movement through the cycle are often closely related to the other
amount and timing of support, particularly in the first 3 stages. Support is defined as the
presence of someone or something that provides validation for and understanding of the intense
painful feelings involved in early stepfamily living, and some indication of what to do next.
In faster couples the biological parent has been able to hear the step-parents jealousy and
confusion right from the start, and the stepparent has been able to sympathize with the intense
pull that biological parents experience from their own children. These families usually have
fewer deeply held fantasies and more realistic expectations.
Stages of stepfamily development do not happen neatly and precisely B a family may
move ahead in one area but remain at a much earlier stage in another. AStuck families have
often been those which have talked to almost nobody who understood their experience. Early
data showed that faster families were the minority, but later data suggests that stepfamilies may
be coming together at a somewhat faster rate than previously believed. This later data may
reflect the fact that our culture is becoming more supportive of stepfamilies, and particularly in
the form of better information about what to expect in early stepfamily life.

Based on information from Becoming A Stepfamily by Patricia L. Papernow

 STEPFAMILIES
Conditions Which Increase the Likelihood
of Their Success

I. Families are informed

A. Read as much as possible (see attached bibliography).
B. Attend workshops or seminars.
C. Develop a support system with other stepfamilies.

II. Losses are acknowledged and mourned

A. All family members will have experienced significant losses prior to the new
family and need an opportunity to work through them. This may still be true
several years after the fact.
B. Children often need to be invited to talk about concerns. They may prefer to talk
with someone other than the parent.
C. Divorce in some ways may be more difficult to deal with than death. Individuals
feel the guilt associated with divorce and closure may be less clear.
D. Extreme anger toward a former spouse sometimes suggests lack of an emotional
divorce.
E. There are losses of all kinds B dream of a successful marriage, opportunity to raise
your own children from birth, self-esteem, finances, stability, friends, familiar
surroundings, daily contact with both parents, etc.

III. Expectations are realistic

A. Instant love and adjustment is not realistic.
B. Integration for step-relationships may take up to 6 years.
C. A new beginning for adults may signal an ending for children.
D. Stepparent-stepchild relationships will likely never be exactly the same as
biological relationships.
E. Allow children to choose not to be a constant companion or best buddy to a step-
sibling.
F. In many respects, stepfamilies work differently than first marriage families. Do
not compare family success to a first marriage model.

IV. The couple is unified

A. The couple relationship is often put on hold in order to deal with the many
complexities of remarriage.
B. View time alone together as a necessity rather than a luxury.
C. Children benefit from having the model of a happy relationship.
D. Both partners decide together how they will deal with major issues. At first, its
generally best to let the biological parent discipline.
E. Couples who pool their financial resources tend to be closer emotionally.

V. Dynamics of childrens behavior are understood

 A. The parent-child bond predates the couple union. Children often act out in an effort
to break up the new couple, bring biological parents together to solve problems, test
limits, etc. Biological parent may feel caught between new spouse and children.
B. Divorce is more common in remarriages. However, this is true only when children
were present before the marriage.
C. Good stepparent-stepchild relationships may be the best predictor of marital success

VI. Satisfactory step-relationships are formed

A. Stepparents who define their role with their stepchildren as that of friend are usually
most satisfied.
B. Children need to have the opportunity to have a relationship with both parents,
regardless of the parents differing views.
C. Loyalty conflicts are common. Step-relatives do not have to love each other.
However, if love feelings develop, it may feel as though they are abandoning their
biological relative.
D. Be acceptant and tolerant of differences in children.

VII. Constructive rituals are developed

A. Families can be creative developing traditions specific to this new family.
B. Children may need to hang on to some past traditions that were meaningful.
C. Work out innovative ways of dealing with transitions such as holidays or visitations.

VIII. Physical facilities for all family members

A. Where practical each child (including visiting children) should have some area or
property that is their own. Individual bedrooms are ideal, but often impractical. It
may be more possible to have an individual bed, drawer, toothbrush, or other personal
items.
B. Make family rules for this household clear but flexible.

IX. Open discussions can take place

A. Children should have their questions answered with age appropriate information that
is not given in an attitude of hate and bitterness.
B. Discuss what to call one another (stepmother, mom, by name, etc.)
C. Talk about how they feel about their new place in the family (oldest child may not be
oldest anymore).
BOOK LIST

Abrams, C. (1994). The Good Divorce. New York: Harper Perennial.

Beer, W.R. (Ed.) (1988). Relative Strangers. Totowa, New Jersey: Rowman & Littlefield.

Berman, C.G. (1980). Making It As A Stepparent: New Roles, New Rules. New York: Doubleday &
Company, Inc.

Bloomfield, H.H. (1993). Making Peace in Your Stepfamily. New York: Hyperion.
Byrd, A.D. (Ed.) (1997) Finding Wholeness and Happiness After Divorce. Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret
Book.

Eckler, J.D. (1988). Step-By-Stepparenting. Crozet, VA: Betterway Publications, Inc.

Einstein, E. & Albert, L. (1986). Strengthening Your Stepfamily. Circle Pines, Minnesota: American
Guidance Service.

Franks, H. (1988). Remarriage: What Makes It? What Breaks It? Suffolk, England: St. Edmundsbury
Press, Ltd.

Ganong, H.L. & Coleman, M. (1994). Remarried Family Relationships. Thousand Oaks: Sage
Publications.

Maglin, N.B. & Schniedewind, N. (Eds.) (1989). Women and Stepfamilies. Philadelphia: Temple
University Press.

Papernow, P.L. (1993). Becoming a Step family. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.

Paris, E. (1984). Stepfamilies: Making Them Work. New York: Avon Books.

Smith, D. (1990). Stepmothering. New York: St Martins= Press, Inc.

Stuart, R.B. & Jacobsen, B. (1985) Second Marriage: Make It Happy! Make It Last! New York: W.W.
Norton & Company, Inc.

Visher, E. & Visher, J. (1982). How to Win As A Stepfamily. New York: Dembner Books.

Visher, E. & Visher, J. (1979). Stepfamilies: A Guide to Working with Stepparents and Stepchildren.
New York: Brunner/Mazel.

Wallerstein. J.S. & Blakeslee, S. (1989). Second Chances. New York: Ticknor & Fields