I must learn to love the

fool in me—the one

Compassion: Deep This is the sum of who feels too much,
awareness of the duty: do not do to talks too much, takes
suffering of another others what would too many chances, loves
coupled with the cause pain if done and hates, hurts and
wish to relieve it. to you. gets hurt, promises and
Dictionary.com Mahabharata 5:1517
breaks promises, laughs,
and cries.
Theodore Isaac Rubin

In cultivating compassion, When people shine a light

we draw from the whole- on their monster, we find
ness of our experience— out how similar most of
suffering, our empathy, as our monsters are….
My own suffering
well as our cruelty and When people let their
terror…. Compassion is monsters out…it turns is the grounds
not a relationship between out that we’ve all done or for empathy.
the healer and the thought the same things, Piero Ferrucci
wounded. It’s a relation- that this is our lot, this is
ship between equals. our condition.
Pema Chodron Anne Lamott

Our task must be to free A person with ubuntu is

ourselves…by widening open and available to others,
our circle of compassion to affirming to others, does not
embrace all living creatures feel threatened that others A selfless deed,
and the whole of nature in are able and good, for he or
witnessed up close, is
its beauty. Nobody is able she…[knows] he or she
to achieve this completely, belongs in a greater whole like a lamp blazing up
but the striving for such and is diminished when from darkness before
achievement is in itself a others are humiliated or your pupils can adjust.
part of the liberation and diminished…or treated as Marc Ian Barasch
a foundation for inner if they were less than who
security. they are.
Albert Einstein Desmond Tutu
 To discuss
To discuss What role does compassion To discuss
and/or the “Golden Rule” play
Self-compassion involves self- What does compassion mean to
in your religion, spiritual practice,
kindness and understanding that you? How have you experienced it?
or life philosophy?
we are part of a common (and
imperfect) humanity. How can you To do To do
practice more self-compassion? Explore the Charter for Compassion
Think of a person you find
website, charterforcompassion.org.
To do difficult. The next time you are
Read about others’ compassionate
with that person, practice the
Do one kind thing for yourself actions and commitments. Add
Golden Rule. Notice how the
each day. your own.
dynamic changes when you
do this.

To discuss To discuss To discuss

What “monsters” are you hiding?
How has your own suffering How does accepting yourself, with
enlarged your capacity to be To do all of your imperfections, help or
compassionate toward others? Sit quietly. Think about those hurt your ability to relate to others
aspects of yourself you don’t like. as equals?
To do
Don’t judge them, but instead To do
Contemplate key events in your
come to them with kindness
life that caused you suffering and Observe what you say to yourself
and forgiveness. Return to this
what that has taught you about today about your mistakes or
practice when you find you are
empathy and compassion. shortcomings.
judging yourself harshly.

To discuss To discuss
To discuss Do you think feeling separate from
In the Bantu languages of South
others is real or a delusion? Why?
What selfless deeds have you Africa, saying someone has
done for or received from others? ubuntu is high praise. Is there a To do
What was that like for you? concept like that in your language Help a stranger today. It can be
or culture? as simple as opening a door,
To do
To do carrying a package, letting that
Do one “selfless deed” each day
person go in front of you in line,
for a week. Consider how you can be more
or saying “hello.” Broaden your
affirming to others.
circle of compassion.
 If only we can overcome
cruelty, to human and
Cultivate compassion If you want others to animal, with love and
all day and everyday. be happy, practice compassion we shall stand
Now, when things compassion. If you at the threshold of a new
are difficult, it’s time want to be happy, era in human moral and
spiritual evolution—and
to practice. practice compassion. realize, at last, our most
Karen Armstrong His Holiness the Dalai Lama
unique quality: humanity.
Jane Goodall

Only other wounded I am the Lorax.

people can understand Although the world
I speak for the trees.
what is needed, for the is full of suffering,
I speak for the trees
healing of suffering it is full also of the
is compassion, not for the trees have
overcoming of it.
expertise. Helen Keller
no tongues.
Rachel Naomi Remen The Lorax / Dr. Seuss

“
True compassion is born
of the truth that we are
one; that separateness is The greatest distance
illusion; that we are infinite in the world is the
beings…. From this place 14 inches from our
of deep humility, we can
draw limitless strength,
minds to our hearts.
Agnes Baker Pilgrim
and endless compassion.
charterforcompassion.org
”
To discuss
What have you learned about care To discuss
and compassion from animals To discuss Why is practicing compassion
and other living beings?
Who are your role models of more important when things are
To do compassion and why? difficult? What one thing can you
If you have an animal, give it commit to do each day to be
To do more compassionate to yourself
your full attention for ten minutes
Write down when you’ve been a and others?
today. If you don’t have an animal,
role model of compassion and
spend some time appreciating the To do
how that felt.
natural world: visit a park, look at
Do that one thing.
the nature you pass on the way to
school or work, or out a window.

To discuss
To discuss How do you navigate news and To discuss
experiences of suffering each day? How do painful experiences
Who or what might you “speak
affect your capacity to be
for” who has no voice? To do compassionate toward others?
To do Think of someone you know or
know of who is suffering in some To do
Do one thing this week to nurture
way. Try to imagine what life is like Observe, without judgment, how
an animal or help preserve the
for them. See if you can come up you react to your own and others’
natural world.
with one thing you can do to make suffering today.
today better for them. Then, do it.

To discuss
To discuss
Share an experience when you
listened to your mind over your To discuss
heart. When should you listen to
What role does humility play in
your heart? Your mind?
acting compassionately?
To do To do To do
List some recent situations when
Commit an anonymous act
your heart or your mind dictated
of compassion.
your actions. Note instances when
you might allow your heart to lead
more of your actions.
 When you cannot forgive,
We must develop and you are a prisoner of the
maintain the capacity Never forget that to hurt done to you. If you
to forgive. The one who forgive yourself is are really disappointed in
is devoid of the power someone and you become
to release trapped embittered, you become
to forgive is devoid
of the power to love. energy that could be incarcerated inside that
Forgiveness is not an doing good work in feeling. Only the grace of
the world. forgiveness can break the
occasional act. It is a
straight logic of hurt and
permanent attitude. D. Patrick Miller
embitterment.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
John O’Donohue

For both parties,

Every day you don’t forgiveness means the The past is over.
forgive, it’s as if you freedom to be at peace Forgiveness means
are ingesting tiny inside their own skins giving up all hope
bits of poison. and to be glad in each of a better past.
Harold Bloomfield
other’s presence. Jack Kornfield
Frederick Buechner

Often the most difficult

part of forgiving another When we refuse to give
is facing the fact that I heard a wise saying
ourselves permission to
we don’t actually want once that has helped
be anything but perfect
to forgive them. Yet the me: ‘Negative feelings
process of forgiveness also —as if failure did not
are like stray cats.
requires that we experience, bring its own lessons
The more you feed
within ourselves, the fact in life—we certainly
them, the more they
that we are not so different are not able to forgive
hang around.’
from those we are so ready anyone else.
Joyce Rupp
to judge. Joan Chittister
Ezra Bayda
To discuss To discuss
What kinds of things do you
Is it natural (i.e., logical, sensible) To discuss
tend to hold onto—mistakes,
to forgive? What is the most
disappointments, slights, On a scale of 1-10, how easy
common incentive for forgiveness?
hurts, etc.? do you find it to forgive? Why is
To do To do
forgiveness so difficult?
Look truthfully at one hurt that To do
Identify a situation you wish you
you have not been able to forgive.
had handled differently. Imagine Think of something or someone
Are certain feelings or activities
how you would feel if you no you have forgiven. Were you able
not possible as long as you do
longer thought about it. Redirect to forgive once and for all time? If
not forgive? Reflect upon how not
the energy you are devoting to not, forgive again.
forgiving is constricting your
replaying that situation to a more
ability to move forward.
positive interest.

To discuss To discuss
In what areas of your life do you To discuss What are some physical
tend to seek “do-overs”? When have you felt the release and symptoms associated with an
peace of a reconciled relationship? inability to forgive? Recall a time
To do when you experienced one of
Live in the present. Practice To do them and the cause of it.
speaking in the present tense. Visit, call, or write someone you
Avoid phrases such as if only, have forgiven, and celebrate your To do
could have, should have, would having repaired the breach in Pay attention to how you
have, could be, should be, must your relationship. feel physically when you
be, will be, going to. forgive someone.

To discuss To discuss
To discuss What role does empathy play
What are some negative feelings
What lessons have you learned in forgiveness? When have you
that you find very easy to feed?
from failure, especially in your been able to put yourself in
What cultural and/or familial
relationships? another’s shoes?
reasons make them hard to resist?
To do To do To do
Make a list of major grievances Bring to mind a person who has
Identify one grudge or old
in your life. Highlight all those that hurt or offended you. Ask yourself:
argument that you can let go.
spring from your need to avoid What qualities does this person
Resolve not to pay it any
failure and feel successful. possess that I would like to
more attention.
eliminate in myself?
 Forgiveness makes us Contemporary culture puts
The stupid neither one with the human family a premium on revenge.
forgive nor forget; and allows us to live in the Retaliation is portrayed as
sunlight of the present, not a mark of strength, a sign
the naive forgive the darkness of the past. of equality, and a way to
and forget; the Forgiveness alone, of all exact our due. Yet the truth
wise forgive, but our human actions, opens is just the opposite. Only
do not forget. up the world to the miracle the brave can forgive from
Thomas Szasz
of infinite possibility. the heart.
Kent Nerburn Dolores Wood

Ordinary people forgive best

if they go at it in bits and
It is never too late to go pieces, and for specific acts.
Anger is the great
quietly to our lakes, rivers, They bog down if they try to
impediment to forgive people in the grand
oceans, even our small
forgiveness. When manner, because wholesale
streams, and say to the sea
anger is rooted out, gulls, the great blue herons, forgiving is almost always
love and forgiveness the bald eagles, the salmon, fake. Forgiving anything
arise naturally. that we are sorry. at all is a minor miracle;
Brenda Shoshanna Brenda Peterson forgiving carte blanche is
silly. Nobody can do it.
Lewis Smedes

“
Within six months of her
Please forgive me.
murder, all three of us
I forgive you. Thank children said that we forgave
you. I love you. These the person who did this. This
four simple statements is a testament to my mom
are powerful tools and dad and to the teaching
for improving your that they successfully
relationships and conveyed. Forgiving was
your life. honoring her.
Ira Byock Everett Worthington
on the murder of his mother ”
 To discuss
To discuss Do you tend to be optimistic or To discuss
Who can serve as mentors of pessimistic about the future of the What kinds of things are best
forgiveness in our society? How human family? Share a story of not forgotten?
can you get them some press? forgiveness that gives you hope.
To do
To do To do Create a memory collage.
Monitor TV and movie listings Repeat a slogan to remind yourself Include pictures or drawings of
to see how many story lines of the possibilities opened up things you want to remember,
revolve around revenge. Talk through forgiveness. For example: being sure to represent difficult
with your friends and family We shall overcome. When I situations along with the
about the dangers of this trend. forgive, I am free. Change happy times.
everything: love and forgive.

To discuss To discuss To discuss

What are some examples of How do you feel about making What are some of the different
wholesale forgiving that seem amends to the Earth and other types of anger you have witnessed
fake to you? What are some beings for how humans have just today?
small specific acts you can harmed them?
easily forgive? To do
To do Make a list of ways that anger
To do Go to the nearest body of water, manifests in your life—both from
Practice forgiving little infractions, stand on the shore, and apologize. you and those around you. What is
such as someone dialing the Make amends by contributing to causing it? For each example, ask
wrong number or bumping into the work of an environmental yourself: How would forgiveness
you in a crowd. or wildlife organization. change this?

To discuss
To discuss
Are any acts unforgivable?
If you think so, give examples
and explain. To discuss
What, if any, other statements
To do would you add to these four?
To do Acknowledge the difficulty of
forgiveness. Read accounts by To do
survivors of the Holocaust and Use these four simple statements
the Rwanda genocide, relatives at least once today.
of murder victims, and others
about their struggles to forgive
horrible crimes.
The roots of love sink down Don’t tell me you
and deep and strike out far, You can heartfully
will love me forever.
and they are arteries that evoke the Billy Joel
Tell me that you will
feed our lives, so we must mantra: ‘I love
see that they get the water love me Thursday
you just the way
and sun they need so they afternoon at four
you are.’
can nourish us.
Dean Sluyter
o’clock.
Merle Shain W.H. Auden

Sometimes the easiest way

One of the deepest longings to appreciate ourselves
in the human heart is is by looking through the
the desire to be loved for eyes of someone who loves Any love dependent
yourself alone. This longing us…. One of my clients on someone else’s
awakens you completely. realizes he is lovable when behavior wasn’t love
When you are touched by he remembers how his
in the first place.
love, it reaches down into grandfather used to delight
Paula D’Arcy
your deepest fibre. in his boyish curiosity
John O’Donohue and inventiveness.
Tara Brach

Love is the only force

We must love them capable of transforming
Seasoned love is both—those whose an enemy into a friend. We
not a monotone of opinions we share, never get rid of an enemy
those whose opinions by meeting hate with hate;
simple liking but an
we don’t share. They’ve we get rid of an enemy by
emotional symphony both labored in the getting rid of enmity. By its
that includes discord search for Truth and very nature, hate destroys
and ambivalence. have both helped us and tears down; by its very
nature, love creates and
Sam Keen in finding it.
builds up.
Thomas Aquinas
Martin Luther King, Jr.
 To discuss
What song lyrics convey something To discuss
To discuss you know to be important about What kinds of activities serve as
At what time and place recently did loving yourself and others? water and sun for your ability to
someone do something that made love yourself and others?
you feel loved? To do
Use your favorite lyric as a “mantra” To do
To do this week, reciting it while you are Do one simple thing to nurture
Make a specific time and place walking or standing in line. See another person’s feelings of being
commitment to someone you love. if repeating a thought helps you loved. Hint: Try something that
remember it when you hit a difficult helps you.
point in a relationship.

To discuss
What conditions do people often
To discuss To discuss
put upon being able to love?
What qualities of your true self do
(These conditions often come from Through whose eyes do you most
you need to have recognized by a
family backgrounds, religious often see yourself as lovable?
lover, a family member, or a friend?
traditions, or cultural norms.)
To do To do
To do Look in the mirror. Acknowledge
Write a letter of gratitude to
Make a personal list of the what the people who love you see
someone who has affirmed who
conditions you sometimes put in you.
you really are.
upon your willingness to love.
Which ones can you give up?

To discuss To discuss To discuss

Where do you see evidence of
Who has been a teacher of Truth What kinds of emotional
enmity in your community and
for you? How have you, or could challenges have you experienced
country? Brainstorm specific
you, express your gratitude and in your family life, partnerships,
ways you can reduce the amount
love to them? and friendships?
of hatred in the world with your
support, money, and time. To do To do
To do Make a list of people you agree Endure the next conflict,
with and another of those you disagreement, or uncertainty in
Find an organization or a cause
disagree with. Contemplate them your love relationship without
that you can join that is working to
all with love. assuming it is a problem.
transform enemies into friends.
Gandhi used to put If you want to know if you
the matter bluntly: We cannot love really ‘love the other as
when another person’s issues, but we can yourself,’ ask yourself if
welfare means more you have done everything
love people, and the
to you than your own, you can to make sure that
only then can you say love of people reveals everyone else in society has
you love. Anything else to us the way to deal what you have—and take
is just business, give- with issues. for granted: insurance, food,
housing, a job, education.
and-take. Henri J.M. Nouwen
Joan Chittister
Eknath Easwaran

In taking good care of

There are so many yourself, you can take good
wonderful gifts I can give care of your beloved one. If the person you are
those I love, but the one Self-love is the foundation talking to doesn’t appear
that lingers when all the for your capacity to love the
to be listening, be
others are gone, the one other person. If you don’t
that knits the brightest take good care of yourself, patient. It may simply be
threads into life, is the if you are not happy, if that he has a small piece
gift of time—the gift of you are not peaceful, you of fluff in his ear.”
one’s self.” cannot make the other Winnie the Pooh / A. A. Milne

Sue Monk Kidd person happy.

´ Ha.nh
Thích Nhˆat

Love allows your

There is an old South beloved the freedom
African proverb that says to be unlike you.
the reason two antelope Attachment asks for
walk together is so that conformity to your needs
one can blow the dust and desires…. Love
from the other’s eyes. imposes no demands.
This sort of friendship Attachment expresses an
enables joy. overwhelming demand:
Mark Nepo ‘Make me feel whole.’
Deepak Chopra
 To discuss To discuss
To discuss What issues are important to When have you been the
What are some of your favorite people in your community? beneficiary of selfless giving?
slogans or rules about love? Joan
Chittister shows how to make the To do To do
“Golden Rule” concrete. Do the Choose one group of people Throughout the day, put others
same with your favorite. you are committed to. Talk to before yourself. This may be
them about the issues that are as simple as stepping aside
To do important to them and what they so another can enter or exit
Duplicate for another person today would like to see happen. Know before you. It may mean giving
one thing that you do to make that this is one way of showing up something you want so that
yourself happy. your love for them. someone else can have what
they need.

To discuss
What roles do listening and
To discuss To discuss
patience play in your close
Do you feel you give enough time
relationships? How might you What do you do to make yourself
to your primary relationships?
cultivate patience and learn to happy and peaceful?
Why or why not?
listen more deeply?
To do To do
To do Engage in some self-care. Go for a
Spend an hour today or plan a
Practice quieting the chatter run or walk. Take a nap. Play ball.
half-day later this week when you
in your own mind, limiting Attend a concert or a movie. Read
can give your undivided attention
distractions, and deeply for pleasure. Relax.
to your loved ones.
listening to each person you
encounter today.

Instructions
Incorporate more love, forgiveness,
and compassion in your life through To discuss To discuss
thought, discussion, and action.
Use these cards on your own or with What are some other differences
What kindnesses has a friend
friends, family, students, classmates, between love and attachment?
shown you? When has a friend
or colleagues.
To do helped you with a difficulty?
Select a card. Read the quote On a continuum from love to
aloud; then turn the card over for
To do
attachment, assess your own
suggestions on what to discuss Get together with a friend. Help
tendencies in your relationships.
and how to take action. him/her deal with some need, no
Contemplate how you can move
matter how small.
Special thanks to Frederic and Mary Ann closer to love.
Brussat of spiritualityandpractice.com and
Roselle Kovitz for their contributions to
this project.