Touchy Feely Course Notes

"Touchy Feely"
Course Notes
"TOUCHY FEELY" COURSE NOTES
Frameworks extracted from NFX General Partner, James Currier's, Good

vs. Great Leaders.
Hundreds of successful tech Founders have all taken “Touchy Feely”, the
nickname of Stanford GSB’s most popular class on interpersonal
dynamics, led by Professor Carole Robin.
This isn’t just about EQ. This is how you build a startup that wins.
These are the methodologies GSB students gain, from “the 15% rule” to
“decreasing power differentials”, which are one of the great, unseen
advantages for Founders in their companies and in life.
“Why Would Somebody Follow Me?”

Most of the time people learn about leadership in academic settings
and in workshops and through programs by studying what other
leaders have done that worked or didn’t work. That’s a perfectly fine
way to learn about leadership.
I happen to think that a more powerful way to learn is for each leader
to sit in that question: Why would somebody follow me?
I hope leaders develop a better understanding of these two antennae:
1. The first is being very tuned to what’s going on for me inside of me.
2. The other one is being attuned to the signals coming from you — and
having them work together towards something productive.
Leaders who work on fine-tuning those antennae and learn to have
them talk to each other, no easy feat, become what we call referent
figures: people that others want to be more like, people that others
admire, people that others are influenced by.
And by the way, what would make me a referent figure and why people
would follow me might be very different than why people would
follow you.
But at the core, we have to be willing to allow ourselves to be known.
Bringing that facade down and being more interconnected and being
more connected allows you to think differently.
We have to create environments where:
1. Other people feel safe that they can be more known.
2. We can learn how to have conflict that’s productive.
3. And we have to be invested in each other’s success.
The 15% Rule: The Zone of Safety, Danger, and Learning

The closer I hold my cards to my vest, the closer you’re going to hold
yours to yours. And no relationship is going to get deepened in that.
I’m not advocating to tell everybody everything. We have a heuristic
that I think is particularly useful. We call it the 15% rule. Think of it as
three concentric circles.
The circle on the left is the zone of safety, which is where you don’t
think twice about what you’re saying.
The circle on the outside is called your zone of danger where you can’t
imagine saying that to somebody.
The zone in the middle is called the zone of learning. And by the way,
that’s the only way we learn is to step outside of our comfort zone.
I used to tell my students, no risk, no reward. My students used to say,
“But Carole, the minute I’m outside of my safety zone, I’m terrified that
I’ve gone past the learning zone and into the zone of danger.” So then
we would say, “Why don’t you try 15% outside of your comfort zone?
Just a little bit. You’ll know if you’ve said something that makes you a
little uncomfortable.
No One Is Always "Crushing It"
If you always say, “I’ve got this covered or I don’t admit any mistakes” it
creates a bigger and bigger power differential between you and others
in the organization. And as the power differential gets bigger and
bigger, people stop telling you the truth.
I can think of very few things that are more important for a leader to
do than to build an environment where people tell each other the
truth.
Particularly for startups because nobody really knows what to do,
you’re just making it up.
They are less likely to tell you the truth, the bigger your power
differential becomes. There’s a real mathematical structure there.
And that ties into disclosure too because the more I disclose, the more
vulnerable I make myself, the lower the power differential and the
harder it is for you to make up stories about me.
In the absence of data, people make stuff up. If you don’t want people
to make stuff up, then you better tell them what you want them to
know. And that’s not just about the business, it’s also about you.
We tend to think that vulnerability, authenticity, and weakness are all
somehow tied together. But I would argue that if you’re willing to be
vulnerable, you’re probably pretty strong.
Task vs. Relationship Conflict

If you’re doing something that’s mildly annoying to me and I don’t say
anything to you, you’ll keep doing it. And the more you do it, the more
annoyed I’m going to get. And then the harder it’s going to be to talk to
you about it.
Rule number one is to establish some norms to address pinches when
they’re smaller. Instead, the tendency is to say, it’s not a big deal, not a
big deal, not a big deal until it becomes a big deal.
The second thing I’d say is that task conflict varies. Should we roll out
that new product line this year or next year? That’s a very different
kind of conflict than I don’t ever feel heard from you. I don’t feel
acknowledged by you. I don’t feel valued by you. Those kinds of
conflicts are much more destructive to relationships.
They are more destructive because they create more and more
distance, and the more distanced I feel from you, the less I want to
invest in problem-solving with you.
There are certain personality types that make this type of
communication more difficult. When someone fundamentally doesn’t
feel good enough for some reason, then they get pretty defensive.
Go back to the purpose of these conversations when we’re having a
conflict. Move into a problem-solving conversation, which first has to
start with getting curious about what’s going on for each other, being
committed to getting on the other side of it, not getting stuck with
who’s right and who’s wrong.
“There’s nothing more efficient than the truth.”

One of the big things I talk to Founders about is how to create
environments where people tell each other the truth, what gets in
their way of telling the truth, and how to give.
Another thing is giving and receiving feedback well. Everybody’s like,
“Ah, I’ve had feedback training.” Well, most feedback training is just
really basic and pretty marginal.
It’s an art and it requires curiosity, it requires not making up stories
about what’s going on for the other person so you don’t make them
defensive. It requires staying the course that the purpose is to move
into problem-solving. It requires making sure both of you know what
your intent is.
Instead, most people are circumspect or they’re passive-aggressive or
they think, I don’t have time to give this person feedback.
Well, you know what, there’s nothing more efficient than the truth.
If you establish a culture where people tell each other the truth, you’re
going to have a far more sustainable, successful organization. Not to
mention the fact you’re actually going to grow and develop more.
NFX is an early stage venture firm based in San Francisco that is transforming how true
innovators are funded. As Founders ourselves, we built ten network effect companies
with more than $10 Billion in exits across multiple industries and geographies.

Touchy Feely Course Notes

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Touchy Feely Course Notes

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Description:

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Touchy Feely Course Notes

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

How can leaders fine-tune their 'antennae' to become referent figures?

What is the '15% rule' and how can it help with vulnerability?

"Touchy Feely"

Frameworks extracted from NFX General Partner, James Currier's, Good

“Why Would Somebody Follow Me?”

The 15% Rule: The Zone of Safety, Danger, and Learning

Task vs. Relationship Conflict

“There’s nothing more efficient than the truth.”

You might also like