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Special Predatory Behavior Edition, March 2019

ComLINE Experience, Strength, and Hope

In This Issue Why We Need to Talk

Why We Need to Talk About
Predatory Behavior . . . . . . 1 About Predatory Behavior
by APB Working Group
We Don’t Know What Safety
Feels Like . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

Many of Us Experienced T his special issue of the

ComLine focuses on Ad-
dressing Predatory Behavior
Today we are shining a
light on predatory behavior in
ACA. In 2018, the Addressing
Sexual Abuse
in Childhood . . . . . . . . . . . 3 (APB). In Webster’s Dictionary, Predatory Behavior Work-
the word predator, is defined ing Group was formed and
What Happens as “one who injures or exploits asked for member shares via
at Meetings . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 others for personal gain.” The Traveler and the ­ComLine.
Newcomers come into the The contributions we received
But Wait – rooms of ACA seeking healing include accounts of members
It’s Not Just Sexual… . . . . 8 from childhood experiences of being targeted for sex or ro-
being victimized. Some act mance, professional business
Gentleness Break… . . . . . 10 out this trauma by becoming solicitation, and even 12th
victimizers themselves. As a Step service.
How The Meeting Can Help –
result of their childhood dys-
And Does It? . . . . . . . . . . 11 function, perpetrators learn Tradition 1
early to detect and take ad- Our common welfare
Outlook . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
vantage of those who have not
should come first.
yet learned to trust their gut
Personal recovery
About the ACA ComLINE instincts or set healthy bound-
aries. This is what we are call- depends on ACA unity.
The ACA ComLine is published quar-
terly by Adult Children of Alcoholics®
World Service Organization, with one ing predatory behavior in the
free report of the Annual Business
Conference (ABC). The ComLine is context of this issue. Many of us have mistaken-
intended as a communication line
from WSO to the fellowship of ACA A common thread wind- ly believed that the problem of
around the world, and as a forum
for the fellowship to share recovery. ing through accounts of such dealing with such experienc-
The ­ComLine slogan is “Experience,
Strength, and Hope.” The opinions
experiences seems to be that es should be resolved at the
expressed are those of the individuals
writing the articles and do not neces-
victims either naively remain personal level. However, we
sarily reflect the opinions of the ACA
fellowship or WSO.
silent or are manipulated to do are beginning to understand
© 2019 Adult Children of Alcoholics®/­
so. In some cases, they are told that it is no longer appropri-
Dysfunctional Families World Service
Organization, Inc. This edition may be
it is inappropriate to violate the ate to ignore or normalize the
­reprinted in its entirety for free distri-
bution to anyone in Adult Children of
perpetrator’s anonymity be- perpetrator’s behavior while
Alcoholics or other Twelve Step pro- cause of ACA Traditions. Not blaming or re-victimizing
grams. Otherwise, no portion or por-
tions may be reproduced without the infrequently, this is supported their target. The Traditions
written consent of the copyright owner:
with claims of fellowship au- teach us it is our joint respon-
ACA WSO, Inc.
1458 East 33rd Street thority, by virtue of longevity sibility to ensure the common
Signal Hill, California
90755 USA or service accomplishments. ­welfare of our fellowship and
adultchildren.org
adultchildren.org/comline

Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior | 1

ACA ComLine

to keep meetings safe and We learn in recovery that will hopefully find some tools
­recovery-oriented. talking about the problem and possible solutions that are
Our primary goal in pre- alone is not enough – there helpful to you.
senting this focused issue of are solutions available to us.
the ComLine is to break the Our secondary goal is
iron-fisted rule of don’t talk – therefore to offer suggestions
don’t trust – don’t feel, and to and identify resources that
speak up about what is hap- can support both individual
pening to us. As you will see, members and ACA meetings
the impact of predatory be- in this process. On the last
havior is of universal concern. few pages of this issue, you

We Don’t Know What Safety Feels Like

by Kadri L .
The idea that there might be a connection ‘drunk’ with fear, excitement, or pain and/or
between lack of safety and emotional intoxi- with arguing, gossip, or self-­imposed isolation.”
cation came to me one night late at work. It To me, this means that the environment we
brought to mind something I heard in my grew up in – our “dysfunctional household” –
home group – someone was very upset over was generally unsafe, and we therefore all lack
what the ACA Yellow Workbook says about a sense of security. The BRB has several things
safety and emotional sobriety: “people are to say about safety and emotional intoxication.
not emotionally sober when they have unsafe For example, it states that “children raised in
relation­ships.” (Yellow Workbook, p. G/IX) troubled families need protection and safety
According to the ACA Yellow Workbook, like all children, but they are raised by people
“emotional intoxication” is “also known as who are absent, neglectful, or the cause of stress
­para-alcoholism – which represents the man- and pain itself ” (BRB, p. xxii) or that “without
nerisms and behaviors we developed living help, we cannot recognize serenity or true safe-
with an alcoholic or dysfunctional parent.” ty” (BRB, p. 16). It also explains why it is so: “as
Emotional intoxication “can be character- our homes were never consistently safe or set-
ized by obsession and unhealthy dependence,” tled, we have no true reference point for these
which can be “expressed by compulsion” and states of being” (BRB, pp. 16-17) and “without
“even without drugs and alcohol, we can be ACA, we can view emotionally healthy people
as boring or confusing” (BRB, p. 17).
Furthermore, the BRB goes on to explain
that for adult children “rigid control equates
to safety” (BRB, p. 41). The adult child, who
Laundry List Trait 13
has not grown beyond his or her victim or
Alcoholism is a family disease;
victimizer roles (BRB, p. 349), tries to gain
and we became para-alcoholics the upper hand and keep the group under his
and took on the characteristics or her control by “checking out” new­comers.
of that disease even though Newcomers may bring change into the “safe”
we did not pick up the drink. atmosphere of the group setting.
By   behaving in such a manner, the
“adult child” is recreating, consciously or

2 | Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior

 Addressing Predatory Behavior

­nconsciously, the circumstances of their

u
childhood and is taking on the dysfunctional
family role.
ACA meetings should be safe places.
­Attempts to meet one’s own needs by ma-
nipulating others are unacceptable. Such
behavior violates the safety of the meeting
and drives away members. In our childhood
home “control meant a sense of safety and
predictability.” (BRB, p.146) We have had
enough of that! In order to develop and heal,
as adult children, we seek to move beyond
our tendencies to control, because this man-
ner of living forces us to “surrender much of
our personality and spirit.” (BRB, p. 146)

Many of Us Experienced Sexual Abuse

in Childhood
I Learned That I Could Not Trust Anyone
by Margaret H.
Many years ago, I found When I married, I mar- I go back to my child-
ACA and since have be- ried someone that was just hood where I had no voice,
gun an amazing journey as abusive. It was normal where I was at fault for
to self-discovery as well as to me. Standing up to men whatever was happening,
new skills to handle issues where I had no-
that arise. Today, I will where to go for
speak about one, predato- help, where I
ry behavior from others After all, I had been told avoided and took
against me. One deeply numerous times it was my fault responsibility for
engrained issue from my someone else’s
childhood is physical abuse that I was treated this way. actions; after all,
from my brother, and while I had been told
my parents knew, they numerous times,
never stopped him. This
­ it was my fault I
taught me that I could not was treated that
trust anyone. that are pushy or inappro- way. This has been extreme-
Laundry List Trait 5 priate has always been a ly difficult for me because
We live life from the struggle for me. men are stronger in my
viewpoint of victims and Laundry List Trait 7 eyes and can really hurt me.
we are attracted by that We get guilt feelings when I have to be safe, and that
weakness in our love and we stand up for ourselves could mean ignore it, flee,
friendship relationships. ­instead of giving in to others. or anything else.

Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior | 3

ACA ComLine

I Was More Concerned with Their Feelings than My Own

by Erin D.
I had been primed in childhood for sex- Coming into recovery I often felt like it
ual abuse, having been molested by a family was not okay to be direct with others.
member. This mindset led to being raped at Laundry List Trait 7
14, sexually and romantically abused by a We get guilt feelings when we stand up for
school teacher and date raped more often ourselves instead of giving in to others.
than I find helpful to remember. If I confronted something I didn’t like
I believed my body was not my own in an ­interaction with someone, I would
but that it belonged to whomever feigned be making waves or being hurtful. I would
kindness. Shamed with the denial of my be overly concerned with their feelings in-
family by the mere thought that being stead of my own.
pretty is what led to my father’s advanc- I had confused humility with humilia-
es, these were my experiences in the 1970’s. tion.
The ­basic human need to be loved and ap- I was told something very helpful that
preciated were distorted by a culture whose I continue to pass on. People who seek to
emphasis glorified “sexy.” take advantage of others by continually

I had confused humility

with humiliation.

pushing limits are used to being confront-

ed. In fact, they are skilled at deflecting our
confrontations.
I became less critical of myself
How this helped me early on was that
it allowed me to be less critical of myself
and not feel the need to be nice where it
was not warranted. Regardless of how they
respond, I can set a boundary.
I am not someone to meet their unful-
filled needs.

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 Addressing Predatory Behavior

All the Subliminal Sexual Stuff Going on

at Home Filled Me with Shame I Seek ACA’s
by Paul Z . Respite
I come from the other My dad was emotionally, by Anonymous
side – I was the predator. verbally and physically abu-
I’ve been in ACA for two sive towards us all except my I want no threat
years. Recovery, God, and youngest sister. I never saw I’m not at my best yet
other factors have helped me any hint of sexual abuse, but Might I owe a debt?
change immensely. as I got older, I remember my
dad would go into my mom’s o
room, 15 minutes later she
would come out, slam the I have needs
The Other Laundry List door, go into the bathroom that were not met
Trait 5 and slam that door also. I’m hoping for
We live life from Years later, my oldest sister a safety net
the standpoint of a told me he raped her. My Truly want a re-set
victimizer, and are dad never sexually abused Tired of the regret
attracted to people we me, but he did make me feel Looking for
can manipulate and uncomfortable. the sweetness of peace
Elementary school was a Not more upset
control in our important
safe place for me, considering
relationships.
the abuse going on at home. o
When I got to middle school
though, I lost my sense of I’m much more
As we all do, I learned safety. I started being bullied. than a silhouette
behavior, core beliefs, and Besides the subliminal sexual My hands shake,
coping mechanisms in child- stuff going on at home, this my palms wet
hood. I was the baby of is where it really got bad. I Wish I’d known
the family and by the time wanted to be a normal teen- you would pursue me
I came along my parents ager and date, but my self-­ from the outset
were tired. We’ve all heard esteem was shot. Girls I liked It’s time again for words
the ­expression “be seen, not wouldn’t want anything to do I don’t know yet
heard” – I felt I wasn’t sup- with me and guys would in- Another choice
posed to be seen or heard. stigate my ineptitude. might be the best bet
Just … exit?

I’m sad now

I wanted to be a normal and feel ashamed
teenager and date, but my Can I get help with it?
self-esteem was shot. I seek ACA’s respite.

Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior | 5

ACA ComLine

What Happens at Meetings

Just Being Friendly to a Newcomer?
by Margaret H. I thought, I will have to quit coming to this
I was fairly new to ACA and after a meeting, group because I did not want to deal with that
a man began waiting around for me to catch me again. He eventually quit coming and I was able
as I walked out. I would delay as long as possible. to breathe a sigh of relief.
I did not know how else to handle it. I start- I realize now that at the time, I didn’t know I
ed parking as close to the door as I could, but could ask for help from the group. I did not trust
at times, parking was so limited that I was not anyone. I also thought I was overreacting. I felt
able to. One day, I was leaving when he abrupt- badly, taking it to mean I did something wrong.
ly comes up to me and says, “Let me walk you Laundry List Trait 7
to your car.” I did not know what to say. I was We get guilt feelings when we stand up for
not given an option. I mumbled: “Okay.” I was ourselves instead of giving in to others.
parked behind the building. He walked along- I now know that I did nothing wrong. I re-
side me and talked. I froze and just walked until alize that I can say “No I don’t want you to walk
we arrived at my car. I kept my keys positioned me to my car.” I can ask someone safe to walk me
just right in my hand, in case I needed to defend to my car if a situation like this occurs again and
myself. I opened my car door and left quickly. can take this situation to someone in the group.

I Almost Quit
by Homa T. I  ­
requested they read
As a newcomer, I was the 13th step policy in
approached by a man I was disturbed by his the BRB at the begin-
about 15 years my se- refusal to acknowledge the ning of each meeting.
nior who was indirectly But I was ignored be-
letting me know he was boundary I was setting. cause I didn’t attend the
interested in me roman- business meeting to re-
tically. I overlooked his quest this and ask for a
behavior and shared at vote in person.
the meeting that I was married, but I kept my guard up. This My efforts to monitor and
hoping to set a boundary. He made him angry, so I avoided avoid this person made this
continued his flirtations. He attending meetings for a cou- meeting an unsafe place for
would indirectly ask me out, ple of months. I became iso- me. I’m grateful for my sponsor
and I continued to set bound- lated during this time, which who helped me work through
aries gently. I finally told him almost took me to the brink of every situation, so I can con-
I don’t like flirtations, and he quitting ACA. The help of my tinue working my program.
can either be a friend or older sponsor and another member Promise 11
brother in ACA. He respond- encouraged me to go back. I With help from our ACA
ed, “I can’t help myself when I was able to overcome my fear support group, we will slow-
see a pretty woman.” and attend regularly again. ly release our dysfunctional
His response disturbed me, At this time, I contact- behaviors.
I was very stressed to attend the ed the treasurer and secre- I believe that it is time, if
next meeting for fear of having tary of the meeting (a couple not past due, to face and ad-
to interact with him. He apol- in a long-term relationship) dress the predatory behaviors
ogized to me at the meeting, and explained my experience. directly and fellowship-wide.
6 | Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior
 Addressing Predatory Behavior

I Learned to Set Boundaries

by Trish M. Promise 9
I’m glad to have read that predatory behav- Healthy boundaries and limits will become
ior is being recognized. It’s scary for me to go easier for us to set.
to new meetings, because I realized I was being I did see him one other time at a different
abused within the program in the early months. meeting. It’s scary for me to go to new meet-
A man reached out to me at my first meeting. ings because I fear he may he there. I wish I
As time went on and I talked to other women in could tell everyone, but I fear that they may not
the program, it became clear some of the things believe me, or it would be considered gossip. I
he had said to me were very inappropriate. wished that I knew of these things coming into
It was very hard to deal with, but I put the program. In closing, I just want to say I’m
my recovery first and kept coming back. I set so glad to know it is becoming a topic for dis-
boundaries with this man not to communicate cussion. I hope that others new to the program
with me and he no longer came to that meeting. can benefit from this.

Our Boundaries Were Repeatedly Ignored

by Margaret H. When she was giving him confused and walked away.
I received warnings as well the cold shoulder, he started She did what I did not (yet)
as hearing in our meeting that coming up to me, would get have the strength to do.
our phone list was only to be my hand and place it between I have not seen that man
used for ACA related issues his. When he was saying hello again in the meetings, but
and not for anything else. or saying good bye, he would not long after, he found me
take my hand. I tried to avoid on Facebook and sent me a
him, but he would posi- friend request. Of course, I
tion himself in places where blocked him. I had already
Tradition 5
avoiding him was not possi- said no to his friend request a
Each group has but one
ble. I felt trapped! few months earlier.
primary purpose – One day, I was having a
to carry its message very difficult time with an-
to the adult child other predator outside the
who still suffers rooms and I shared about it
during the meeting. I was
experiencing PTSD. I was
shaking, crying, just trying to
The message was that deal with things and talking
someone was taking the to a fellow traveler with my
phone list and calling or back to the room. I felt some-
texting women. A woman one step behind me, touching
in the group had come to my elbow. When I turned, I
me explaining how a male saw it was him, and before I
member tricked her into go- could do anything, he had my
ing to eat under the guise of hand again. I froze. My friend
a fellowship activity includ- recognized what was going on
ing many members. It turned and when he turned to get her
out to be just my friend and hand, as well, she said “no” and
this man. shook her head. He  seemed
Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior | 7
ACA ComLine

This Isn’t a Problem of Just me.” It was only our third conversation. My initial
Men Being Perpetrators thought was, “I’m getting laid ­tonight….”
by Paul Z . Very difficult to say no to, but I did. If I didn’t
I found a book called Emotions Anonymous and say no, I’d probably be back in trouble, because
fell in love with it. I couldn’t wait to get to my first that’s what an unhealthy relationship can do.
meeting. I called, and they said the closest meeting Through ACA I’ve learned how to treat women
was 11/2 hours away. I saw an ad for ACA and that with respect and talk about any issues I’m feeling
has changed my life. or dealing with. I still struggle at times but don’t act
My first meeting I got there early and asked a out as severely as I used to.
woman if she wanted me to do anything. She said,
“you can pass out these books.” Most people would Promise 11
think that’s insignificant, but for me it wasn’t. Every With help from our ACA support group,
other group I’ve gone to were cliquish or would say, we will slowly release
“that’s okay.” our dysfunctional behaviors.
This isn’t a problem of just men being per-
petrators. When I first started ACA, a woman I have come so far, and I hope the people who
approached me. I told her I was abusive towards read this and have their own struggles have the
women in the past and didn’t want to get into a re- courage to talk about it and hope for a better future.
lationship. She said, “I know you would never hurt I still have hope for even more, and so should you!

But Wait – It’s Not Just Sexual…

Pushing Products on a Newcomer I didn’t have the courage to say “please stop
by Anonymous
selling your products and services to me. It is
Having under a year in ACA, I’d like to ­unwelcome.” I  dreaded her presence at every
share my experience of less obvious predatory meeting.
behavior. Being new in 12 Step and ACA, armed
A self-described “long-time” member used only with what I’d learned about 13th step-
every opportunity to press her small business ping from AA literature, all I was able to do
products and services on me. was dodge and hope one day it would stop.
Tradition 6 Meditation on Tradition 6
An ACA group ought never endorse, finance, Higher Power, grant us the wisdom to
or lend the ACA name to any related facility know [what] will direct group energy away
or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, from carrying the message. Guide us away
property, and prestige divert us from our from discussions that are not ACA. Give us the
primary purpose. courage to speak clearly and thoughtfully for
It wasn’t immediately obvious to me what what we believe honors Tradition 6.
was going on. Surely this highly experienced I knew ACA was the only practical re-
member, doing so much service, so warmly in- maining option for me and my emotional
viting me even to dine at her home, couldn’t disabilities. True to my Laundry List, I hate
possibly be out of line. confronting authority figures.
My responses, such as “I don’t pay that kind This dynamic led me to attend only one
of money for those items, I just don’t have the meeting a week where I would have to inter-
budget” didn’t seem to sink in. act with her. I also avoided ACA socials, be-
cause she attends them. To make up the deficit,

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 Addressing Predatory Behavior

I turned to a ­virtual ACA meeting. With great some of her services were and still are, procured by
relief, I found safe inter­action that way. members of the group.
I had no ACA resource or ACA language I felt I was a captive audience having to dodge
to help me confront this person who talks up a sales pitches at every ACA meeting and almost ev-
storm about the ACA traditions and had been ery personal interaction.
doing this with other members, as well. They The same person will police cross talk, men-
didn’t appear to complain. tioning of ‘outside issues’ from other fellowships,
There was no sexual attraction involved. There and other violations of the Traditions… But she
was the understandable desperation of a small doesn’t realize that she herself is 13th stepping a
business owner with financial difficulties, where brand-new member with her business products
and services.
Pushing 12th Step Service on Newcomers
by Anonymous
arranging to meet with us one on one before the
I dislike being controlled or manipulated and am meetings, even buying a BRB for one. She used an
skeptical of any social, religious or professional group adjoining room for these meetings and at one point
that has ‘its own language.’ As a child, I lived with jokingly welcomed one of us into her “office.”
controlling and manipulative parents who forced me I also found it odd that she only interacted with
to adopt their beliefs as my truth. As an adult child, newcomers despite knowing the older members who
I understand their behavior was rooted in fear and a all were very welcoming.
compulsion to control everything. However, I now I noticed a competitiveness with another female
find it difficult to trust social groups who insist I ACA member. I observed the Laundry List traits in
expressly speak their language and live life only by action and didn’t think this woman was in control of
their program. I fear anything that I perceive steals her own issues and so could not really help me either.
my autonomy. When I first came to ACA, I feared
this was one of those groups so naturally I was sus- Meditation on Tradition 7
picious and unsure if I could remain. Higher Power, we are here to do your
Laundry List Trait 1 will. Help us give for the right reasons
We became isolated and afraid of people and
and the right amount. Help us remember
authority figures.
that we have a different life today
After my first meeting a woman (50-ish) came
because of ACA.
up to me and introduced herself. She explained she
is on her 12th step and it’s her turn to give back and
would I like if she were my sponsor. I did not trust I continued to attend ACA for a year and a half
this woman’s motivation because her offer was too now and eventually learned how The Traditions were
quick, like she was pouncing on me. discussed once a month by the group to discourage
Tradition 11 this kind of behavior.
Our public relations policy is based on As I remained in the program, I recognize this
attraction rather than promotion; we maintain behavior as giving unsolicited advice, while seem-
personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, ingly helpful is promotion not attraction. As a new-
TV, films, and other public media. comer we need time to know who we feel comfort-
Because I am naturally given to suspicion, I able with, to make our own choices without being
thought her motivation to help me was somehow solicited.
not ‘program-based’ but more about her needs. Today our group preamble addresses the use of
As I attended more meetings, I observed her ap- “exploiting someone’s vulnerabilities for the purpose
proaching other newcomers as well, she had begun of gratifying one’s own psychological needs.”

Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior | 9

 ACA ComLine

Gentleness Break
Hug Etiquette – It Is Okay to Have Boundaries
by Doug P.
person to say “No” at this point, In ACA, we want meetings
and essential if someone does not to be as safe a place as possible
want to receive a hug. for people to work on their re-
Non-verbal Requests covery, so please discuss these
If you know someone well protocols with your group.
enough, outstretched arms may What it boils down to is that
constitute a non-verbal request everyone has respect for each
for a hug, it’s important to get the other, physically, mentally, and
other person’s consent in each in- spiritually.
stance; just because someone con-
It’s customary in many sented before doesn’t mean they’re
twelve step programs to give always in the mood for a hug.
and receive hugs. Hugs can be Intensity Matters
a manifestation of the healthy If the other person
love we have for each other stretches their arms
within the fellowship. They definitively, then it’s
may also be unwelcome or a probably safe to as- What it boils down to is that
transition into physical preda- sume it’s okay but a ­everyone has respect for each other,
tory behavior. verbal confirmation physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Therefore, we in ACA believe is not a bad idea.
it’s important to have a sense of And here’s where
etiquette around them. The fol- a lot of people may
lowing guidelines may help. mess things up: the duration
of the hug. Intensity matters.
Since one person
may want “more
of a hug” than the
It’s very much okay for the other, it’s import-
ant for the person
other person to say ‘No.’ who wants the hug
to stop to let the
other person know.
Usually, a sim-
Agreement and Consent ple “thank you” is sufficient for
First and foremost, there someone to understand: it means
must be an agreement and con- “stop, now, immediately.”
sent to hug. Usually, one person Just What is a Hug?
may ask the other something like A hug is just that; embrac-
“Would you care for a hug?” It’s ing around the shoulder area
very much okay for the other and nowhere else!

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 Addressing Predatory Behavior

How The Meeting Can Help – And Does It?

I Will Not Be ACA literature speaks to
Returning to ACA The Other Laundry List me
by Shelley S. Trait 7 ACA literature speaks to
I read the ACA ComLine, We make others feel me like no other I’ve read. In
regarding Predatory Behav- guilty when they attempt my ongoing recovery from
ior. Understanding that ACA to assert themselves. trauma, ACA seemed the
takes the safety of meetings perfect place for me to work
seriously, I talked to my spon- a spiritual solution alongside
sor and printed off the article, bring my concern to the group therapy. Because of this expe-
in hopes of addressing the but was informed they don’t rience, I will not be returning
group. have them, that members call to ACA.
The member who was them as they see fit. Tradition 9 Meditation
aware of the perpetrator and By this point I was re-­ Higher Power. May I
my experience told me that traumatized, not finding the remember that ACA and its
stalking and sexual assault support I assumed was there. meeting and service structure
doesn’t break The Traditions. I’m proud I managed to state my are different than my family
That it wasn’t the group’s re- points clearly, stand my ground of origin. May I be patient
sponsibility to hold a safe and keep the focus on the issue and avoid reaching for the
space, it was up to me to be I hoped to bring to the group, easiest way out when I am
safe within the group, that I though it was not allowed. confronted with a difficult
needed to become more em- It was alarming that rath- situation. Help me and my
powered. er than address and pre-empt ACA group ask for help in
I was told to go to wom- the behavior with boundaries, keeping our meetings safe and
en’s meetings and, repeatedly, the onus was on the victim to recovery-oriented. Also help
to talk to my sponsor – an all do something about it. us celebrate the things that we
too familiar shift of responsi- do right.
bility from the predator to the
victim.
I was told that the ACA
ComLine article I presented
wasn’t ACA literature, nor
was the existence of the Inter­
group in the USA that was
providing solutions, nor the
APB Working Group itself.
The member said I should
“take it to Intergroup.” I
pointed out that things ini-
tially come from the groups
and a group conscience would
have to establish the parame-
ters for safety in the meeting.
I asked if I could attend
the next group conscience or
business meeting so I could
Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior | 11
ACA ComLine

My Group Has Struggled Accepting That There Is a Problem

by Margaret H.
The meeting has to recognize that Preda-
tory Behavior is an issue in the group, and we
need to have knowledge on the subject to keep
the rooms safe. If meetings do not want to deal
with this, what will happen to the people feel-
ing victimized by this behavior? Will they quit?
Meditation on Tradition 1
Higher Power, we are your trusted servants
seeking to support our ACA group and its
primary purpose. Please remind us that the life
of our program and our own recovery depends • “Why can’t you ignore it?” I replied:
upon our willingness to put the group’s welfare “The whole reason I am in ACA is to
above our own will. Help us recognize unity! not ignore these behaviors.”
I know a few people, who are no longer • “Why are we going to ruin a person’s
coming to meetings and that their phone life by calling them a predator? Then
numbers were being used by the “hand-­ they will be on the sex offender list.”
holding” predator. Reply: “This is not a sex offenders list;
My group has struggled accepting that this is keeping the room safe.”
there is a problem. • “We have a safe group, so why bring
this topic into the room and make peo-
Tradition 4 Each group is autonomous ple feel uncomfortable?” Reply: “It is
except in matters affecting other groups not safe for all of us.”
or ACA as a whole. We cooperate with
• “This has not happened to me, I do not
think it is something that is happening.”
all other Twelve-Step programs.
No changes have been made yet in this
group.
Tradition 2 Meditation on Tradition 2
For our group purpose there is but one Higher Power, I understand that your make
ultimate authority – a loving God as expressed your voice heard in a group conscience. I ask you
in our group conscience. Our leaders are but to remind me that the life of my program and
trusted servants, they do not govern. therefore, my own recovery depends upon my
I provided information to make them aware willingness to put the group’s welfare above my
of this issue. We added Predatory ­Behavior to own will. Where I disagree with the common
our agenda for our business meeting. I pre- view of my fellows in service, allow me to state
sented safety statements from other groups, my case honestly and respectfully. Allow me to
suggesting that we could add something like listen to and consider the views of others. May
this to our preamble. We have been discuss- I state my view and support all group decisions,
ing this issue for months now. The comments including the ones I might disagree with. Your
were as follows: will, not mine, be done.
• “This does not happen in our group, so Those of us who believe there is a prob-
we don’t need to worry about it.” Two lem will continue to push for the changes that
of us answered them by saying, “Yes, it are necessary to make our room safe and keep
does happen. It’s happened to us.” ­attendees coming.

12 | Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior

 Addressing Predatory Behavior

“LION Over There!”

by Clint A. my mind saying, “I’ll call for
Many of us come into recovery” as an excuse to see Promise 9
this program needy, sexual- if she’s interested, I wouldn’t Healthy boundaries and
ly abused and confused – so call. limits will become easier
much so, that things like We know It When We See
for us to set.
healthy connection, or being It, But What Do We Do
appreciated can be interpret- About It?
ed as an opening for sexuality. In my home group, men Using the predator in the
While I’m speaking for males who were not regular mem- wild analogy, the flock is al-
here, it may cross all genders. bers were singling out new- ways on the lookout for the
I was in program fairly comer women to talk to after lion in the grass. Once the
solid for five years and still the meeting. A temporary lion is spotted, the entire
“chasing” women with a year sponsee had one of these men group is warned for protec-
or less to “help” them. I had approach her and engage in tion: “LION over there!” Not
to learn that everyone has to sex while in her second week naming names turns into
be their own loving parent. in ACA. This happened at a people whispering, slither-
It was challenging for me to different meeting, but I was ing away in fear and nobody
grow out of this impulse to forever on the lookout for saying, “Get that Lion out of
save the newcomer. It’s co-­ someone with his first name. here!” Hence, leaving the re-
dependence, an overdeveloped When he did show up at my maining flock vulnerable.
sense of responsibility and one meeting on two occasions, he When is it appropriate
could say, predatorial in na- did the same “talk to female for other members to
ture. It felt like an addiction! newcomer” thing after the step in?
The use of the phone list meeting. This was frustrat- There are borderline in-
for ACA purposes, as part of ing, because I know what I’d stances of violating a bound-
our preamble, gave me a very heard about him from a fellow ary that are not brazen enough
clear message; no calling for traveler, but what are we sup- for other members to step in.
anything other than recov- posed to do when we have in- If we step in for every single
ery! If there was anything in side information like this? thing it would be so uncom-
fortable for everyone, and I
believe these are opportunities
for the person who feels hurt
to practice drawing a bound-
ary in a safe place. However,
when this happens to new-
comers, they have no idea
what the protocol is.
Since I’ve been attending
meetings, we have only had
to ban one person. In another
case, we had to create an elab-
orate set of rules; these were
so elaborate he left, and now
we are stuck with rules none
of us can follow!

Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior | 13

ACA ComLine

I Feel Better Equipped Now

by Anonymous It’s a folio with printouts of information
My home group has several newcomers found on the website or published by ACA,
weekly. We adopted (through a GC vote) a some by the APB group. We set up this folio
resource folio that is labeled “ACA Group so that we could have easy access to cite a
Safety.” This is kept on the Literature ­table quick point that could be used in the group,
available to any interested person. Each rather than trying to make a point in a reac-
­section reads: Take one. tive state, fumbling through the large BRB.
Much easier to be an actor than a reactor.
Just sharing with the group that the re-
source is there may act as a soft deterrent. I
mention it’s there from time to time during
my share or in a business meeting. I feel bet-
ter equipped now to address interpersonal
ACA issues that I see or experience that occur just
Group Safety before the meeting, during the meeting and
just after the meeting. I can’t change people,
but I can change my response.
Note by the APB working group: We
reached out to the author of this share to re-
quest a copy of the content maintained in the
folio described here. The author has agreed,
and the resources presented in the folio are
now available to all on the APB page https://
acawso.org/2019/02/24/group-safety-folio-
from-costa-mesa-group-ca-837/.

Outlook
by the APB Working Group

These shares speak for behaviors at the group con- synchrony in any circum-
themselves. More mem- science level. stance of predatory behav-
bers who are experiencing We are grateful to hear ior, keeping both the victim
predatory behaviors at and the Experience, Strength, the perpetrator stuck in a
around their ACA meet- and Hope members have dance of continued dys-
ings are beginning to find shared with us in this issue function.
the courage to speak up of the ComLine. When the 1. (LL) We became isolated
about them. At the same APB Working Group re- and afraid of people and au-
time, ACA meetings are viewed these shares, we no- thority figures.
beginning to understand ticed that certain Traits of 1. (OLL) To cover our
that they have both the the Laundry List (LL) as fear of people and our dread of
authority and the respon- well as the Other ­L aundry isolation we tragically become
sibility to address these List (OLL) play out in the very authority figures who

14 | Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior

 Addressing Predatory Behavior

frighten others and cause them

to withdraw.
5. (LL) We live life from
the viewpoint of victims and
we are attracted by that weak-
ness in our love and friendship
relationships.
5. (OLL) We live life from
the standpoint of a victimizer
and are attracted to people we
can manipulate and control in
our important relationships.
7. (LL) We get guilt feel-
ings when we stand up for
ourselves instead of giving in
to others.
7. (OLL) We make others
feel guilty when they attempt
to assert themselves.
When we are acting out
the Laundry List Traits, our
personal recovery is com-
promised. When this is not
openly addressed at the group find freedom to express all the bers and meetings can use for
conscience level of our meet- hurts and fears you have kept Addressing Inappropriate
ing, we risk recreating the inside and to free yourself Behaviors (https://acawso.
secrecy of our dysfunctional from the shame and blame org/2018/07/27/addressing-
families in ACA meetings, that are carryovers from the inappropriate-­behaviors/).
further compromising re- past.” To bring this promise Another helpful resource is
covery. As we become more to life, we must openly ad- our collection of Examples
aware of this dynamic, we can dress uncomfortable issues of Group Safety Statements
break the silence and turn our that have the power to dis- already adopted by various
focus back onto our recovery tract us, to retraumatize us, ACA meetings (https://
as Tradition 5 suggests! or even to scare us away. acawso.org/2018/11/12/­
The ACA Solution prom- The APB working group examples-of-group-safety-
ises us that “as ACA becomes maintains a page about Ad- statements/).
a safe place for you, you will dressing Predatory Behav- We suggest you vis-
ior on the ACA World Ser- it these pages and see if
vice website (https://acawso. something resonates with
Tradition 5 org/category/apb/) where we you. As we say in our meet-
Each group has but one present resources as they are ings, take what you like and
primary purpose, to carry developed. One such resource leave the rest! And if you
was recently developed by have any further questions
its message to the adult
the National Capital Area or comments about this
child who still suffers. ACA ­Intergroup. It provides topic, please e-mail us at
guidelines that both mem- apb@acawso.org.

Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior | 15

ACA ComLine

ACA WSO, Inc.

1458 East 33rd Street
Signal Hill, California
90755 USA
adultchildren.org
adultchildren.org/comline

16 | Special Edition, March 2019 – Addressing Predatory Behavior