Dedicated to my friends,

of course.
Introduction

Few would argue against the idea that the group of

people you surround yourself with will dictate the
course of your life more than any other factor. This
is true not just for extroverts, but for introverts as
well. Regardless of the amount of time we choose
to share with others, that connection has an
outsized impact on our lives.

Think back to your most positive memories. How

many didn't involve other people? Few or none,
most likely. How about the periods of your life where
you grew the most as a person? Weren't friends or
mentors guiding or supporting you? Even the
hardest times in your life were most likely made
better because of others.
This book is based on a simple principle, that the
people and friendships in our lives are important.
They're important enough to think about social skills
consciously, and to put effort into improving them.
They're important enough to justify doing hard work
to make ourselves better friends and family
members.

The people you interact with could be slotted into

three categories. There are acquaintances, friends,
and members of your close friend group. Each of
these categories requires you to share a different
part of yourself, and brings a critical benefit into your
life.

Through reading this book, you should be able to

make strangers into acquaintances that like you.
You'll learn the art of conversation and how to share
the best parts of you in an honest and authentic
way. You'll learn how to make new friends, and how
to be the kind of friend that people want to have.
And, last, you'll learn how to build a group of friends
with whom you'll share support, quality time, and
love.

If you don't understand why you don't have more

friends, or if the process of making them frustrates
you, you'll be able to start from scratch and build a
completely new social life. If you have good social
skills but find certain social situations puzzling, this
book should eliminate that confusion. And even if
you have great friends and have no problems
making new ones, I hope that you'll learn a few
things to make those relationships even better.
Some friendships
you'll have for life, so even a small improvement can
be important.

Few people excel at any skill without thoughtful

consideration and practice, and social skills are no
exception. I went from being an introvert who was
too shy to interact with friends-of-friends, to
someone with amazing friends all over the world,
and a core group of close friends with whom I share
much of my life. By understanding the skills and
principles that underpin social interaction, whether
with strangers or best friends, you can break out of
any mold you may find yourself in, and build
superhuman social skills.
Social Skills are Skills

If you were bad at, say, badminton, you'd probably

do something about it. You wouldn't feel bad about
yourself, but you'd take steps to improve. Maybe
you'd read books, watch some videos, ask friends
for help, or take lessons. No matter which path you
took, you'd practice. You would analyze your
progress and the results of your practice, and
you'd make course corrections.

When you finally got good at badminton, you might

share the story of how you improved, and would
expect that people would generally look favorably on
your course of actions. You identified an area of
your life that needed improvement, you came up
with steps to turn it into a strength, you executed on
that plan, and you succeeded.

Although we use the phrase “social skill”, we treat

social skills more like a mystic inborn force than an
actual practicable skill. We act as if social skills are
genetically predetermined, like hair color or eye
color. If we have poor social skills, or inconsistent
social skills, we generally accept that that's our lot in
life.
Maybe this comes from the idea that learning
badminton isn't changing oneself, but learning social
skills is. The way we interact with others is so core
to our experience in life that we equate it to who we
are. And there's some truth to that, too. How we
portray ourselves to others will define their
experience of who we are. The same person is
considered a jerk and a saint to two different people,
not because he actually is either of those things, but
because of how he treats them.

Generally speaking, change is scary, especially for

friends of the person who is changing. Insecurities
surface, as do questions of motives. Why is he trying
to become someone he's not? Why can't he just be
himself?

But what is self-improvement if it's not actually

transforming us into better versions of ourselves?
We keep the good things about ourselves, maybe
even make them better, but we also attack our
weaknesses and reduce or eliminate them. We all
have deficiencies and can be better.

It's about time social skills were treated like skills,

and any stigma associated with improving them was
left behind. We should encourage people who take
the brave step of admitting that something so core to
their being needs improvement, even when that
person is ourself. Yes, we'll become different
people, but we
were going to do that anyway. We change all the
time, usually in imperceptible increments, so why not
guide that change?
A Word on Manipulation

I gave a speech at a university once, followed by a

Q&A. The questions from the students were sharp,
leading to interesting discussion. Near the end a
professor asked, in a rather accusatory way, if
practicing social skills wasn't just manipulating and
lying to people.

Many people think that consciously improving one's

social skills is manipulative, deceptive, or
disingenuous. If you're anything like that professor,
it's unlikely anything I can say will change your
mind. This reaction, as best I can tell, is borne from
insecurity that can't be erased through a few
paragraphs of explanation.

I see learning social skills as the exact opposite. To

me, it's the practice of becoming the very best
person you can be, maximizing what you have to
offer others. It's about communicating who you are
as clearly as possible, and removing barriers
preventing you from understanding others with that
same clarity. It's about really understanding what
others are looking for in a conversation or in a
friend, and working to give them that very thing, if
you are so capable. We do things all the time with
the intention of eliciting a result from someone else.
That alone is not manipulation. I might tell a joke to
make a friend laugh. Technically I have taken an
action to precipitate a reaction from him, but few
would call that manipulative.

Manipulation has a connotation of ulterior motives. It

implies that we can get someone to do something
against their will or better interests by cajoling them
or presenting a false impression of ourselves.

That's not at all the goal of building social skills. The

goal is to understand better what other people really
want, to identify where that intersects with what you
want, and to have the social tools required to get
both people what they're hoping for. It's also about
understanding where there isn't an intersection, and
moving on.

The tools we use to do this are self-awareness,

situational awareness, good communication skills,
and an understanding of humor, empathy, and
social dynamics. Some will dismiss this practice as
manipulation, but I think that's a pretty big stretch.
Maybe the litmus test most easily comprehended on
an emotional level is this: if a stranger worked hard
to be a better conversationalist, would you hold it
against him when you had a great conversation with
him? If you found out that one of your best friends
worked hard to be the best friend they could be,
would you be offended, or would you be flattered?

In this book, I will be unabashedly analytical,

examining and quantifying aspects of social skills
that are usually not spoken about. We'll talk about
power dynamics, our value as friends, opportunity
cost, and efficient use of time.
Whether or not we acknowledge these, and other,
factors, they underpin our social interactions and
play an enormous role in the quality of relationships
in our lives. Some find these topics unpalatable, or
even offensive, but it's hard to make a better
sausage if you don't take a look at what's going
inside the factory.
Goals Of This Book

We have a social problem in our society. Our social

time is being siphoned from real life into cyberspace.
We may have hundreds of Facebook friends whose
every move we follow, but with whom we never
have a meaningful conversation. So many of our
conversations are electronic that we've dulled some
of those skills that are only useful in real life: timing,
yielding, listening, and perceiving facial expressions
and body language.

Maybe you feel the effects of this degradation. You

have tons of friends, but few or none whom you
could really rely upon, and fewer who really
understand you. When you do spend time with your
friends, it's not as satisfying of an experience as you
remember from your childhood.

The remedy for this problem, on an individual basis,

is to build up certain social skills to a baseline level.
Before we get into the how of building these social
skills, I'd like to give you an idea of the goals we'll be
working towards, and why they are important.

1. Be Comfortable With All Strata of Society

A socially skilled person is able to get along with
people across all strata of society. Not necessarily
every person, but every type of person. This is a
useful skill and it's also a very important benchmark.
You could rely on commonality with a clone of
yourself, but must truly exercise your social skills
when trying to relate to someone with whom you
have little in common. If you cannot do that, then
you may be skilled at relating to people with whom
you are compatible with, but not be socially skilled.

Commonality is a shortcut to rapport, and a good

one to use if it's available. But sometimes the most
interesting conversations and friendships happen
between people with little commonality. After all, by
definition, if you have less in common there's more
new territory to explore.

Building this skill requires travel outside of one's

comfort zone, as well as grappling with hidden
insecurity. On one end of the spectrum it's possible
to feel
inferior to people you admire, as though you don't
have any value to add to the relationship. On both
ends, lack of commonality can be a hard barrier to
cross, especially if it's apparent that you're from
different backgrounds and the other person is
intimidated by it.

Someone who is comfortable interacting and

befriending people in all strata of society will feel
comfortable in nearly every situation, confident in
his ability to add to any interaction of which he's a
part. He'll have more opportunities to share what he
knows with others, as well as the ability to learn
from experiences that he may never have
personally.

2. Be A Net Addition

Beyond just getting along with people in all strata of

society, you want to generally be a net positive to
any social situation in which you're placed. If
someone was eating alone, and you were to join
them, that should make their lunch better. If a few
friends are having tea together, and you get invited,
your presence should make everyone have a better
time. And if you go to a large party or event, even
though your impact will be proportionally smaller
due to the size, those you interact with should be
glad that you were at the party.

Being a net addition is different than just not being a

net negative. Being simply neutral is often a
negative, as you are taking up an attendance slot
that could have been used by someone else who
could have been an addition. It's important to
proactively add to social situations.

Most social circles are actually series of concentric

circles. There's the small inner nucleus of people
who organize and get invited to everything, and
without whom events wouldn't even happen. Then
there's the next ring of people who are always
welcome, but would never displace a member of the
nucleus. Outside those two circles are people who
usually get invited, but only if space permits.
Or maybe they have certain personality quirks that
make them incompatible with others in that circle,
meaning the core group must choose who gets
invited and who doesn't.

The nucleus is comprised of the people who are net

additions, and who
orchestrate events. The next circle is those who are
also net additions. The circle further out are people
who are “not negative”. Sometimes they add,
sometimes they're neutral. They're nice to have
around, but not a sure enough thing to make sure
they come to every event. Beyond those rings are
people who are sometimes or always net negatives.

By ensuring that you're always a net addition, even if

you're not a huge one, you will dramatically increase
the number of events to which you are invited.
Besides being fun and valuable, these invitations will
provide you with events at which you can practice
your social skills, creating a virtuous cycle.

3. Build A Quality Friend Group

With the possible exception of your daily habits,

nothing will influence your life so much as your core
friend group. Whether you're aware of it or not, you
are constantly molded and influenced by those
closest to you. You'll receive advice from them,
absorb their mannerisms and habits, and even
subconsciously adopt some of their opinions.

Most people's friend groups are the product of

happenstance and momentum. With so much on
the line, choosing those closest to you should be a
very deliberate decision. The opportunity and ability
to methodically build a social circle will improve your
life as well as the lives of those in the circle.

The goal is to build a social circle that will both

challenge and support you, depending on what you
need at the time. The right friend group will be a
case of the sum being greater than the parts, all
friends advancing more easily through life, enjoying
the ride more, and learning more.

4. Establish Emotional Independence

From Acquaintances and Strangers

We all need emotional support from time to time.

Whether it's someone to sit
down and empathize with you during a tough time
or someone to cheer you up when you're in a bad
mood. However, it's important to get that support
from the right people, and not to impose that need
on others who aren't prepared to satisfy it.

A friendship is like a bank account. The more you

put in, the more you can take out. I have friends who
could be miserable and intolerable for weeks, and I'd
let them stay at my place and do my best to help
them get back to a good mental place. I wouldn't do
that for strangers. With my friends I have a long and
positive history, with so many good memories,
experiences, and emotions, that they could draw
from me for quite a while before I'd feel any sort of
imposition.

And, of course, I feel the same way about my

friends being there for me. I do my best to require
little from others, but I have a group of close friends
who would happily give me whatever support I
needed if a situation arose.

But what happens when someone needs external

support but doesn't have close friendships? If he
can't solve the problem himself, he ends up
imposing on acquaintances. This is undesirable not
just because it creates an imposition on the
acquaintance, but also because it damages that
relationship and decreases the likelihood of it
growing into a meaningful friendship.

Reaching this goal requires a two-pronged

approach: becoming self-reliant enough to only
impose when necessary, and building such a
sufficiently robust group of close friends that it's
virtually impossible to overdraw on the friendship
bank.

A person who is emotionally independent from

acquaintances is most likely minimizing the
impositions he creates on his friends, but is also
making it very easy for new people to become his
friends, since he asks nothing from them in the
early stages of the friendship.

6. Be Able to Handle Oneself Socially in Any Situation

Similar to being able to relate to people across all

social strata, it's also important to be able to handle
oneself in any social situation that may arise. A good
litmus test is to ask whether someone would feel
comfortable introducing you to any of his friends or
inviting you to any event.
For example, can you fend for yourself if you're
dropped into a party? Can you strike up
conversations with strangers and be a net positive
without your friend introducing you and having to
make sure that you're taken care of?

What if you're stuck talking with someone you don't

really like? Can you be relied upon to be civil, not
alienate them, and maybe even be a net positive to
them? What if everyone in the party decides to go to
a restaurant, and it's not the kind of food you want to
eat? Will you go along and make the best of it?

This is so crucial because it directly affects the

quality and quantity of introductions you receive,
which will likely be a primary input into your social
life. If the introducer can put you into any situation
and expect that you will be an asset, even if you
don't make a connection with the person he's
introducing you to, you will get a lot more
introductions.

Additionally, if you don't have to worry about the

context of your interactions, only being comfortable
in certain environments, that's one level of anxiety
that won't be getting in between you and the
people with whom you socialize.
7. Make
People Like You More The Longer They
Know You

First impressions are important, and we'll talk about

them in detail, but it's your enduring impact that will
determine how deep your friendships become. To
have excellent friendships, and to maximize the
opportunities for casual friends to turn into good
friends, you must be the kind of person who
becomes even better with more time.

We all know people who are the opposite. They're

fun to have in big groups, because you can talk
with them for a few minutes, but two hours with
them would drive you crazy. It's tragic to see people
like this sometimes, because you know that they're
good people with good intentions and a lot to offer,
but their social skills alienate others.

Ideally you want to feel as though anyone would

like you, given enough time with you. This
shouldn't really even be a reach-- it's a first step.
Build up your social strengths, cut out
weaknesses, and you're there.

If you do not have this now, you'll want to pay special

attention to the sections of the book on eliminating
social weaknesses. If you're a good person with
some
unique life experience, which I'm assuming you are,
you're likable in the long term. If you find that people
don't eagerly go the distance to become friends with
you, it's probably because you're making some easily-
correctable social mistakes that push them away.
Levels of Communication

The cable that comes into your home for TV has only
two wires running through it. The cable itself is a
rudimentary piece of technology that can be
understood by anyone. But through this simple
medium, hundreds of channels as well as access to
the entire internet are transmitted. A lot is happening
simultaneously.

This is very similar to how we communicate. Our

words may seem very simple, but there are actually
several different channels of communication being
transmitted at the same time. To master social skills,
you must be aware of these channels, be able to
communicate effectively on them, and be able to
understand what is being transmitted to you over
them.

There are four main channels being communicated

on at all times: content, meta, emotion, and status.

Content is what we think of when we talk about

communication superficially. If you tell me that
you're going to the store, the content channel is
simply telling me that you are going to travel to the
store.
The meta channel is the undercurrent of the
conversation. It's the meaning behind the meaning--
the implication. If we had just been talking about how
I wanted to eat brownies, and you're going to the
store, the meta channel communication is that
you're going to go get ingredients to make me
brownies. Sometimes meta can be read in isolation,
but it usually requires context.

The emotion channel is more of a passive signal

than an active channel. Those of us who are not
expert poker players are constantly leaking out our
emotions as we speak. You could say, “I'm going to
the store” in any number of tones and cadences.
You could indicate that you were going to the store
in resignation, because I wouldn't stop hounding
you about making me brownies. You could indicate
that you loved me, and that's why you were going to
get ingredients to make me brownies. You could
also reveal that you were frustrated, nervous,
excited, or any other number of emotions.

And last, the status channel is constantly sending

out clues about our relative status. If I were your
boss and told you to go make brownies, you could
say, “I'm going to the store” as an affirmation that you
understood my command and were going to comply
with it. You could also say it in a patronizing tone that
indicates
that you're going to do it because I'm so far below
you that I'm incapable of doing such a basic task
myself.

I'm going to the store. Five basic words, chosen at

random, that could mean just about anything, even
though the content doesn't change. If you weren't
already awed at the power of communication, this
just might do it. It's incredible how much can be
conveyed simultaneously.

A master of communication must be able to have

two major conversations (content and meta), while
maintaining two minor conversations (emotion and
status). This is no exaggeration. If someone were to
transcribe the meta conversation between you and
another person, it should be totally coherent.
Same with the other two. If that conversation did
not flow as smoothly as the content channel, you'd
find that the conversation was frustrating to one or
both of you, even if you couldn't identify why.

Each channel has its own strengths and

weaknesses, so when it's important to convey
something, you need to choose the right channel to
focus on. I'll spare you a discussion on the content
channel, since you're clearly able to understand it if
you're able to read this book, but the other three
channels deserve individual attention, especially
since the most important aspects of conversation
happen in the channels hidden behind the content
channel.
Meta

The meta channel may be the most important of the

four. It's where real discussions happen. In fact,
sometimes you intentionally communicate incorrect
information on the content channel, through
sarcasm or joking, allowing your real message to
come through on meta.

The key thing to understand about the meta channel

is that it's running all the time. Nothing you say will
be taken entirely at face value. People you speak
with will always be wondering what you really mean.

Let's say that you suggested that a group go eat

pizza. A couple people agree to do so, and then
another person says, “I guess I could do pizza”.
What he's really communicating on the meta
channel is that he is willing to conform to group
consensus and go eat pizza, but that he'd rather eat
somewhere else.

Now people answering after him can take that

information into account when forming their own
responses. If the next person says, “Pizza sounds
good”, he's actually communicating a strong
preference for pizza. He's ignoring the meta
message from the previous person. If he were less
interested in pizza, the meta communication from
the previous person gave him the opportunity to
begin shifting opinion. He could have said, “I could
do pizza, or something else.”

Once everyone answers, you have a good idea of

how everyone in the group feels about it, but you
still have options. If people hesitantly agreed and
communicated on the meta channel that they'd
rather go somewhere else, you could have switched
plans.

You might wonder what the point of this all is,

especially if you're a very logical person. Certainly it
would be easier to just communicate facts in the
content channel and have no meta channel.

The point of the meta channel is that it allows for

shades of gray not afforded by the content channel.
If the content channel is a lecture, the meta
channel is a dance. It's pushing and pulling, circling
and parrying. Imagine if someone said, “I'll eat at
the pizza place, but I'd rather go somewhere else.”
That's exactly what our first person communicated
on meta, but when it's in the content channel, it
actually means something different. It's a much
stronger disagreement, and is the beginning of a
disharmonious decision-making process.
Communicating on the meta channel also allows
people to save face. Let's say you met someone
and really liked them. They said that they want to
go see a Vermeer exhibit at a local museum. Their
meta channel is a bit unclear. Maybe they're inviting
you, or maybe they're not. You reply that you've
also been wanting to see that same exhibit. Now
you're communicating that you're not sure if it's an
invitation, but that you'd like to go. If they aren't
crazy about you, they can just start talking about
Vermeer, and thus communicate that they don't
want to go with you. You can continue to have a
civil conversation and not feel insulted.

If you instead focus on the content channel and

say, “Hmm... I'm not sure if you're inviting me or
not, but I'd like to go,” you put them in a very
awkward position. This is the exact type of
conversation that should happen over the meta
channel so that neither person is made to feel bad.

Once you are really tuned into the meta channel,

you might feel as though you are in the matrix. Even
when people aren't intending to communicate on the
meta channel, you can infer their
subcommunications. You understand not just the
“what” of people are saying, but also the why, and
you gain the power to have two complete
conversations at the same time.

The first step to communicating on the meta channel

is to constantly ask yourself why people are saying
the things they say. Why did he choose that exact
phrasing? Why didn't she say something else
instead? Why share that information now? Come
up with some ideas in your head, and check them
later when you have more information. By making
predictions and checking their accuracy later, you'll
begin to calibrate your brain. When a prediction was
off its mark, take the time to analyze and think
about it.

Once you understand meta communication, you

want to start shaping your own meta
communication. What we say can be interpretend in
many different ways, so you have to really craft
what you say for the specific person you're with
whom you're talking. Try to create a simulator in
your brain where, as you consider what to say, you
predict how the listener will react, and what meaning
they'll assign to it. Think about what you'd like to
communicate, and decide whether it's better to do it
on the content channel or the meta channel. Which
will make the other person feel more comfortable?
Which will give you more options? Which gives
them more options?
Sometimes when I read a non-fiction book, I decide
that no matter what, I'm going to at least make one
change as a result. I hope for a big breakthrough,
but even a small tip can make a book worth reading.
If you were to decide to do that with this book, I'd
recommend having that change be focused on
communicating more through the meta channel.
Emotion

A lot of conversing is taking the other person on an

emotional journey. You think about where they are
emotionally, as well as where they want to be, and
you use the emotional channel to guide them there,
or keep them there if they want to stay in the same
place.

For example, let's say you meet someone at a

concert. They're excited and having fun, which is
exactly why they are at the concert, so they want to
maintain that state. If you initiate a serious talk about
business, you are grossly miscommunicating on the
emotional channel. Even if they really enjoy business
and being serious, it's so inappropriate in this
context that they'll retreat from the conversation.

On the other hand, you could probably talk about

business in a really excited tone, and they'd engage
with the conversation. The exact context would
dictate whether it would work or not, but it's clear that
it's a lot better than trying to be serious.

Consider someone who had a bad day and is

frustrated. They probably want to shift to being
happy and calm. You can slowly lead them in that
direction by making the conversation increasingly
positive. Maybe you'd start by matching their tone
and asking them questions about the day, and then
slowly bring some optimism to the conversation.

On the other hand, if someone were upset because

they had a death in the family, though, they probably
don't want to be happy. It just feels wrong. Maybe
they want to feel understood and supported. You
could communicate those things emotionally by
listening, asking questions, and offering to do things
to help.

Not every conversation is spiked with emotion, but

there's usually some emotion there. If it's boredom,
you've got to change that as soon as you can. If
you're just getting to know someone, maybe you'd
want to emotionally communicate a little bit of
mystery about yourself as well as excitement about
getting to know them. Be aware of the emotional
tone of conversation and think about the directions
you could move that emotion.
Status

There is an invisible hierarchy in every group of

people from two on up. If a decision had to be
made, who would make it? If there were a crisis,
to whom would people in the group turn to solve
it? Who has to be more careful about what they
say?

Humans are hierarchical creatures. We want to

know where we stand, not for vanity, but to inform
how we speak and act.

I could propose any combination of your friends, and

you could probably sketch out a hierarchy. Maybe it
would be totally flat, everyone being a peer, but
more likely there would be a leader or two who get
spoken to with just a tiny bit more deference and
take more responsibility for the group. Whatever the
hierarchy, everyone in the group would probably
unconsciously agree to it and act and speak
accordingly.

When you join a new friend group, you want to

understand the hierarchy. As an outsider, it's
important to maintain the harmony of the group,
and not disturb it. If you understand how the
members relate to each other, that will be a lot
easier to do. Even one on one, status is important.
Understanding someone's status is understanding
how they view their place in the world.

And, of course, you want to communicate your own

status. Some people will treat everyone with
respect, but others only treat people with respect if
they demand it. So your default outgoing
communication on the status channel with someone
new should usually be that you deserve respect and
are worth getting to know.

A lot of status is communicated nonverbally with

body language and eye contact. Direct eye contact
conveys high status universally. Taking up a lot of
space with your body also conveys high status.

Talking about how high-status you are actually

conveys low status. So does doing almost anything
that is inappropriate in context. If you take up a lot
of space where there's space to spare, you will
appear to be high-status. If you take up a lot of
space on a train where there are people who want to
sit down, you just look insecure and try-hard.
Vocal tone also communicates a lot about status.
Someone who talks slightly louder than average and
with clarity will appear to be more important.

Instinctively reading status from the way people act

and speak is consistent and accurate, which
indicates that it's extremely difficult to fake. If you
feel like someone is high status, they probably are. If
you think they're overreaching and are trying to
convince you that they're high status, they probably
are faking.

For this reason, it's dangerous to try to fake your

own status through body language and tonality. As
you become more comfortable and confident, these
aspects of communication will naturally change in a
positive way.

However, much of status is about what you will and

won't accept from yourself and others. That can't be
faked, but it can be changed.

For example, many people will agree with higher

status people as a blanket policy. Your boss says
that he thinks the food at a restaurant is terrible,
and you agree with him even though you think it's
great. The “cool guy” at a party loves a song, and
suddenly everyone likes it, too. This is a low status
behavior that invites disrespect.

Disagreeing with everything is even worse, but

expressing your own opinion in a clear and
appropriate way conveys that you have the ability to
think for yourself, even in the presence of strong
outside influence. You will be given respect for
doing this.

Another major changeable status indicator is

whether you take responsibility or not. If you're at a
restaurant and someone needs to speak to the
waiter about moving some tables together, are you
the one who does so? When a conversation is
flagging, do you take the initiative and revive it?
Ever-so-surprisingly, actually being a leader
indicates to others that you are, in fact, a leader.

Be aware of what others are communicating on the

status channel, and avoid mannerisms or habits that
accidentally convey lower status. In general you
should be communicating that you are a peer to
people with whom you want to become friends. If
you feel like someone is making an effort to appear
higher status than you, it's sometimes worth taking
action like speaking louder and taking up more
space to place yourself a hair above them, only
because they've indicated that status is important to
them and that they respond to higher status.
Conveying Value Early And Fast

When you are introduced to someone or put into a

social situation where people don't know you, your
first goal should be to convey as quickly as possible
what makes you interesting and worth knowing. It is,
of course, important to get to know others and to do
your part to make the interaction more interesting
and fun for everyone else, but letting them know you
is your first priority. First impressions are made
quickly and endure as subconscious biases for a
very long time.

People make decisions quickly, so you want to

maximize your chances of them viewing you
favorably. They share more of themselves with
people they deem worthy of their friendship, and
only on equal footing can you help improve the
interaction.

The value that you convey must be true and

authentic. That means that exaggerating is a bad
idea. When people have few data points to judge
you on, each one will be used and weighted heavily
to mean more than it actually does. So if you
exaggerate once or say something that doesn't
really seem to jive with who you are, it will be
noticed and held against you.

Worse than exaggerating is outright bragging. Any

level of bragging will nullify anything positive you've
managed to communicate. So the trick is to convey
as much of yourself as possible without bragging.

For this reason, you'll want to focus less on what

you've done and more on who you are. And you
want this information to be second-order information,
meaning that you want a reasonable person to infer
attributes about you based on what you say.

For example, let's say you started a business and

just did a million dollars in sales. That's something to
be proud of, but there's no possible way to bring it up
that won't make you seem like you're bragging.
However, you could talk about different productivity
strategies you have. People could then infer from
those strategies that you're a motivated and
productive person, which is a positive thing in
almost any social circle.

Similarly, you wouldn't want to talk about how you

travel to all sorts of exotic locations, but you could
share a tip for getting seat upgrades or talk about a
funny travel story you have. From those non-
bragging and authentic stories, people will infer that
you're adventurous and like to travel.

You can also convey value through asking

questions. If someone else is an expert in an area,
you could ask a question that presupposes a certain
type of knowledge. If you flew airplanes, it would be
inappropriate to come out and say, “Hey guys, I'm a
pilot!” but you could ask someone who flew
helicopters about specific differences between the
two.

You'll notice that these alternatives are also more

valuable to the listener. They inform, entertain, or
engage, rather than just impress. If you're not sure if
you're bragging or not, don't say it. Bragging is
extremely detrimental, and you'll have plenty of other
opportunities to convey value.

The value you're trying to convey is attributes about

yourself that make you an interesting and pleasant
person. You want to build intrigue without
conveying arrogance, and demonstrate that you are
socially adept, non-needy, and will be an asset to
the person or group with whom you're interacting.
A sense of humor is a huge source of value. Not
everyone is funny, and not everyone has to be, but if
you are a funny person, you can convey a lot of
value with humor. Every social group enjoys
laughing and having a good time. There are times
where joking around isn't appropriate, but those
times are usually not when you're first meeting
someone. Even if a person or group thinks you have
no value whatsoever except that you make them
laugh, they'll still probably want you around.

Consider what about you makes you valuable as a

friend, and whenever you're in a new social
situation, think about which of your assets will most
be appreciated by that group and work on
conveying them. Do it early in the interaction and
then move on to getting to know everyone else.
Eliminating Annoyance

Before you begin working on how to bring a lot to

the table as a friend and a member of a friend group,
it's important to work on eliminating behaviors which
cause annoyance. None of us will completely
succeed in eliminating all our annoying behaviors,
but there's a certain threshold that must be crossed
for people with other good options to choose you as
a friend.

This is a harsh thing to say, but that doesn't make it

untrue. Some of those you will most want to
become friends with will already have a ton of
good friends who are all competing for their time. If
you have annoying habits, there's no guarantee
that a new friend or acquaintance will be able to
see past those habits and discover the great things
about you.

A classic example is talking too much about things

that the other person isn't interested in. There are
guidelines to follow on how much of the
conversation should be you listening versus you
speaking, but in general volume alone won't make
or break an interaction. After all, even if you prefer
being the one to talk, if I'm revealing interesting
discoveries about subjects that matter to you,
you're unlikely to want me to stop.

But if I'm talking about my ambitions as a

marathoner, and you have no interest in running,
your capacity to enjoyably listen to me is limited.

Another very common annoying habit is making bad

jokes. No one thinks that they make bad jokes, but
everyone knows some people that do, so there's an
obvious disconnect. Some people consistently make
bad jokes, and don't realize it. You might be one of
these people.

Both of these are undesirable traits, not because

you're malicious or because they imply something
bad about you, but because they create an
unnecessary imposition on the other person, and
require him to either deceive you or be rude.

If you talk too much to me about subjects in which I

have no interest, I must be polite, listen, and feign
interest. The only alternative is for me to be rude,
either by changing the subject as unabruptly as I
can manage, or by telling you I'm not interested.
Some people are so oblivious about overtalking that
they won't pick up on any subtle cues.
If your jokes are bad, you again force me to either
deceive you by laughing, or to not laugh and make
you aware that your jokes aren't funny. In either
scenario, you've placed an awkward imposition
upon me, making me less comfortable, less
interested in the conversation, and more motivated
to exit.

Identifying annoying habits is more difficult than

eliminating them. Often awareness creates enough
social pressure to at least dampen the annoying
habit. If you have a friend or family member who is
willing to be completely honest with you, you can
ask them what annoying habits you have. Don't ask
if you have any, just assume that you do, and ask
what they are. This saves your friend the awkward
step of revealing to you that you have some.

Think about how often you'd be wrong when

pointing out someone else's annoying habit.
Probably rarely to never, so when someone gives
you that sort of feedback, assume that they are
correct.

You will have to find some annoying habits on your

own, though. The biggest red flag is when you are
consistently getting reactions that differ from those
you expect. You make a joke, and the laughter is
muted. You talk about something that's really
interesting to you, but you see eyes wander and
notice that your listeners don't ask any clarifying
questions.

These are just two examples of many. Others

include overuse of certain words, unnecessary hand
gestures, not making eye contact, and not listening.
Don't Talk Too Much

When you begin a conversation with a new person,

you should have a loose default of doing all or most
of the talking. If the person isn't socially adept and
can't think of things to say, it won't be a problem,
since you'll fill any silence with interesting stories,
questions, and observations.

Eventually you want to transition to a lower ratio,

preferably fifty-fifty. If you have someone who is
really shy, you may always be at sixty or seventy
percent, but greater than that is a lecture, not a
conversation, and it's very likely the other person will
become frustrated.

Most people are polite and will generally allow you

to steamroll them socially and dominate the
conversation. However, that doesn't mean that it's a
good thing to do. This leads to situations where
you'll feel like a conversation went really well, but
then the other person doesn't ever seem to want to
hang out.

So how do you know if you're overtalking or if the

other person is just shy? There are several signs
that you should be constantly looking out for if you're
speaking more than fifty percent of the time.

The first warning sign is if you know the other person

is an extrovert and likes to talk. If he hasn't asked
you to explain something and you're talking more
than fifty percent of the time, you're making a
mistake.

If the other person gives short answers or the same

answer repeatedly, he is not interested in the
conversation. For example, if his input is “yeah” or
“nice”, but he never invests in a longer answer, he's
probably hoping that you'll stop talking. An
interesting discussion will probably invite follow-up
questions or a contrasting point of view. If you don't
get either of those things, be on guard.

Maybe the biggest warning sign is if someone never

asks you questions. People ask questions when they
want to hear more from you, and stop asking
questions when they want less. If you never get
questions, that probably means the other person is
concerned that you won't stop talking if you start
answering.

As a general rule, never over-explain. If you're

talking about something intellectual, do the bare
minimum amount of explanation. As soon as
someone nods or agrees with something you say,
move on to your next point. When
explaining, question and answer is the ideal format.
It allows the person receiving the information to get
exactly the information he needs, in the depth he
prefers, and it keeps the provider of the information
confident that his input is valued.

If you need to share a long story or provide and

involved explanation, put in lots of pauses. The best
stories and explanations leave the listener rapt,
afraid to speak and miss something. If the silences
aren't filled, you can be sure that the person wants
to hear what you have to say. If he asks questions,
that's equally good. But if he changes the subject or
decreases the depth of the conversation, he's
probably looking for a way out.

It's perfectly fine to love talking, but remember that

you won't really be heard unless the other person is
receptive. Use natural signals to understand where
his interest level lies, and change your
communication to suit. Over a longer time span,
couple that skill with practicing telling good stories
in a compelling way, to minimize people feeling like
you're talking for too long.
Recalibrate for Responses As you're speaking
with someone, you should intently gauge their
responses. This isn't to feed your ego or to beat
yourself up, but to enable you to take responsibility
for the conversation and to give the other person the
experience that they want.

While gauging, it's important to grade on a sliding

scale that takes into account the context and setting
of the conversation. For example, if someone was
introduced to you at a mutual friend's party, it is
very likely that they will act more interested in your
conversation than they are. So if it feels like they're
a five on a scale from one to ten of interest, that may
actually be a zero, plus five points of politeness.

In that situation, you'd be wise to cut off a story you

were telling and see if they ask you to continue. If
they don't, their interest level was lower than it
appeared. If they do ask you to continue, then they
were interested after all. Sometimes you can't tell,
because a five and zero may look exactly the same.

And, of course, there are times when the scale

works the other way. Some people show very little
emotion, or would be acting inappropriately showing
too much enthusiasm. An acquaintance's girlfriend
might blunt her responses to avoid giving the
impression of flirting with you, so you could rightly
assume that she was more interested in topics you
brought up than she appeared to be.

This is important because conversations should

create a feedback loop. You make a statement, tell
a story, or ask a question, and then you gauge the
response. How well-received that statement or
question was should inform your future decisions.
Too often people forget to adjust their assessments
based on external factors and will continue talking
about something boring because the other person
is being polite. While it can be fun to talk about
topics you're interested in, you're doing more bad
than good if the other person isn't interested in the
topic.
Drop Conversational Hooks

Much of social skills is creating the experience that

the other person wants, and making it as effortless
and natural as possible. A big part of this is making
sure that the topics you cover are topics about
which the other person wants to talk.

The easiest way to do this is to drop conversational

hooks and allow the other person to pick up on those
that hold his interest. This is not a one-time strategy,
but a framework to use for conversations on an
ongoing basis.

One of the most awkward parts of socializing,

especially with someone new, is coming up with
conversational topics. If your counterpart feels like
they have to rack their brain to come up with things
to talk about, they will have a strong motivation to
leave the conversation.

In an ideal situation you provide them with a choice

of topics to talk about, in a natural way, and keep
adding to that list as you continue. Instead of that
panic felt when the topics run out, your partner will
feel like there's so much to talk about and not
enough time to get it all in. That's a much better
problem to have.

The general idea is that you tell one story and lace it
with as many hints about other stories and
conversations as possible. For example:

“Back when I lived in California, I had this friend who

lived on an Icelandic car ferry. We were working on
a project together, and were having an argument
about whether we should hire someone or not...”

The story may be about how you decided whether

or not to hire someone, but there are several
topical hooks that have been dropped. You could
talk about California, living on a boat, Iceland, or
the project you were working on. This often leads
to chance overlaps, like, “I used to live in San
Francisco. Where did you live?”

This also provides the other person with a very

convenient way to stop your story if they're not that
interested. It's a game of constant escalation of
interest, allowing them to hop through your topics
until one is so interesting that it becomes a real
conversation. At the same time, it doesn't burden
them with the responsibility of coming up with the
topic themselves.
Early in a relationship, a subgoal of any
conversation is to give as much accurate information
about yourself as possible. The more context
someone has, the more they'll get out of every bit of
information you give them. By dropping hooks,
even if they're not picked up, you provide more
points to connect about you.

Be careful to avoid bragging when dropping hooks.

The hooks should always be neutral or slightly
positive things, never huge accomplishments.
Leading someone to a topic that makes you look
really good is a dangerous thing to do, as it makes
it look as though you were trying to brag. If you must
do it, you want to leave the least bragging hook
possible. So you would never say, “Back when I ran
a marathon”, but you could say, “Back when I was
running”.

And don't worry when your hooks aren't being

picked up. There are a million different reasons
that could be happening, and only one of them is
that you're a boring person with no interesting
topics. Much more likely is that they don't want to
switch the subject or that they haven't yet heard a
hook where they can add anything interesting.
Stories

Books like How To Win Friends and Influence

People by Dale Carnegie place a strong emphasis
on asking questions and listening to the other
person. This is a critical part of social skills, but so is
being able to convey who you are.
Friendships are formed when people feel good
emotionally, which comes from being asked
questions, being listened to, and being interested in
the other person. Your primary tool for conveying
who you are and making people interested is
through your stories.

When evaluating others, we are always looking for

proof of claims. I can recite some memorized facts
to give the impression that I'm smart, but it's not
proof. Some experts believe that a sense of humor
is attractive because it is proof of intelligence that
can't be faked. It takes brainpower to make unusual
connections, read the other person, and deliver a
few sentences to make them laugh. You can't just
memorize jokes to do this, you have to be able to
improvise. That's where the proof lies.

If I tell you that I'm interesting, smart, kind, and a

good friend, that doesn't really carry much weight.
Maybe you'll believe me, or maybe you'll suspect
that I'm just saying those things even though they're
not actually true.

A common interview technique, in lieu of asking

people whether they have desirable attributes, is to
ask them to tell a story about a time they exhibited
one of the attributes for which you're selecting. If
you ask someone if they react well in a crisis, the
answer is always yes, but asking them them to tell
you about a crisis that they resolved successfully
will prove it.

While it's not impossible to make up a story, it's

significantly harder, and therefore more convincing,
than just saying “yes”. Telling true stories is
important because it's your primary method of
conveying who you are in a way that is easy to
absorb and remember, and can be believed by the
other person.

If there's a single skill I can recommend that you

spend time on, it's the art of telling a story. It
provides you with a way to entertain your friends,
control the mood of an interaction, and efficiently
convey who you are.
How to Tell a Story

Most people tell stories for the wrong reasons. They

do it because it's fun, because they want to impress
the other person, or even just because there's dead
time that needs to be filled. If you tell stories with
these goals, your stories won't necessarily be
creating much of a positive experience for the other
person.

Your goal when telling a story is to convey

something noteworthy about yourself in a way that is
enjoyable to the other party or parties. You want for
it to be a good time for them, and for it to reflect well
upon you. This should be your primary motivation
when you begin to tell a story.

When someone is getting to know you, they are

trying to understand your character and your status.
Who are you, and how do you fit into the world they
know? These questions are answered not so much
by the main arc of the story, but by the arc's
shadow. It's the small details of the story that will
illustrate who you are.

You could have a story that, when compressed to a

single sentence, makes you look bad. For example:
“I tried to chat up the star of my favorite childhood
TV show while she was on a double date, but failed
miserably.” On the surface that sounds like a bad
story to tell. It's fine for people to find out your flaws
and mistakes, but if you are offering up a story, it
should be one that says positive things about you.

The details determine whether the story actually

shows you in a positive or negative light. For
example, did I react calmly when faced with the
high- pressure situation of approaching the star on
a double date? Was she intrigued and amused,
even though her date was rude? Did I display social
awareness? Did I deal with my failure gracefully and
treat it as a fun little diversion?

Think about the opposite. I could have succeeded

and looked glorious in a sentence, but looked like
an idiot in the details. Maybe she gave me her
number because I was annoying her, but I didn't
notice that. Maybe I'm just a little too proud about
the whole thing.

When someone's getting to know you, and you

want to become friends with them, choose a story
where the details highlight your positive attributes.
Don't make stories up, don't change them to be
positive, just pick the stories that
convey what you're hoping to convey.

Hollywood movies are mostly similar in structure, but

we keep watching them. More than that, we're
engrossed in the stories and buy into the tension
and surprises they contain. There's a very standard
pattern that works, and they mold the story they want
to tell to that structure. Movie studios have done the
research, but found that there's virtually no point in
coming up with new structures, because the
standard one works so well.

When telling a story, you should have three primary

phases in order: the setup, the buildup, and the
payoff. Practice telling every story according to this
format so that it becomes an ingrained pattern in
your mind, and only once mastered consider telling
stories that don't fit that format.

Keep the setup very short, giving only the minimum

amount of information needed so that the story
makes sense. You might set the time the story took
place, the location, a brief mention of the characters,
and any relevant emotional cues. For example: “This
was three years ago, in Texas. Two close friends
from college and I were standing in front of a cave
we'd never seen before.”
You might describe the friends a bit more, or some
relevant details about the cave, but by and large the
setup part of your story should be very concise. This
is because there is no tension or drama in the
setting, and those are the elements that keep
people interested in the story. Use the setup to
transport the listener or listeners into the story.

The biggest mistake that people make in the setup

is that they include far too many details. Always err
on the side of too few and trust your audience to ask
if something is not clear. And never go on tangents.
If one is warranted, make a very brief mention of it
as a hook, and then move on immediately.

The buildup is the variable length portion of the

story. Any given story will have a relatively short
setup and payoff, but the buildup could be any
length. The buildup tells the facts of the story, in
such a way as to build the tension and keep the
listener engaged. It should be a constantly
escalating journey that you take your listener on.

This is also the part of the story that you never tell
the same way twice. That's because it should be
dynamic, based on the reaction of your listeners. If
they are
rapt and hanging on your every word, you can
draw the story out longer, ratcheting up the
tension. The best way to do that is to tell the story in
such a way that your friends will mentally try to
guess what happens next, but constantly be hit
with surprises. If they're bored or not fully engaging
with the story, you keep the buildup quick.

“... so the night finally came when we decided to do

the heist. From our designated positions, we slowly
crept into place. I was in front, so I put my hand on
the doorknob and twisted. It was unlocked...”

Here you can actually add more details,

especially emotional ones, that may have bored
people during the setup. This is possible
because it prolongs the drama. But the details
must be relevant.

“... at this point, my heart was pounding. I thought

back to the steps that got me here, and it all made
sense, but I couldn't believe that I was actually
about to commit a heist. And I knew that as soon as
I opened the door, there was no turning back.”

These details don't add any better understanding to

the story, but they do take the reader on an
emotional journey. If they were engrossed in the
story, you'd add more of these sorts of details. If
they weren't that interested, you'd cut most of them.

Last comes the payoff, which must resolve the

story in one way or another and hopefully include
some sort of revelation. In my heist example, you'd
talk about how you got caught, or got cold feet, or
succeeded in doing the heist. The goal with the
payoff is to either release all of the tension created
by the buildup, or to sidestep in such a way that all
of the tension was unnecessary.

The payoff is the big moment in the story, and it's a

natural high point. It's your cue to exit the story and
stop talking. If you keep talking, you lessen the
impact of the story and ruin it. But if you consistently
end stories with a strong payoff, people will want to
hear more of your stories. They've trusted you with
their attention, and you've respected it by giving the
minimum background, an exciting buildup, and a
satisfying payoff at the end.

To illustrate, a quick story, segmented.

Background

A couple years ago I was on a date at a restaurant

called Real Food Daily in West Hollywood. It's this
hip vegan place with really good food, and you
always see celebrities there because being vegan is
trendy.

I'm sitting there with my back to the wall, looking at

the restaurant behind the girl I'm on a date with,
and I see Jay-Z.
Buildup

Now, I'm a huge Jay-Z fan. Like, for three years I

listened to no other artists, and I wrecked a date in a
ball of flames when I found out she'd gone on a
date with Jay-Z and I couldn't stop talking about it.

And, almost immediately, I begin to wreck another

date. I completely zone out everything she's saying,
focusing only on Jay-Z. My favorite musician is right
there, about fifteen feet away from me. I have to say
something to him.

But first, I have to make sure it's really him. I text a

friend and ask him to see if he can search the
internet to figure out where Jay-Z is. And, sure
enough, he's in LA, in between two shows.

Now I'm really excited. This is really happening. At

this point, I'm barely giving coherent responses to
my date. I'm focusing 100% on Jay-Z, trying to plan
out everything I'll say to him. I'm nervous like I
haven't been in years.

I don't want to be rude and bother him while he's

eating, though, so I decide that I'll wait until he
leaves. I'll plan what to say, be ready, and then
follow him outside and talk to him. Not a perfect
plan, but this is a crazy opportunity, and I'm not
going to let it go to waste.

Finally, he gets up. I wait a second, then follow him

outside, heart pounding. I go over my lines in my
head, ready to act really calm and cool. He goes
out the door, and I follow him.

I muster up my courage and tap him on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, Mr. Carter?” Slowly, he turns around
and looks at me.
Payoff

Turns out it wasn't Jay-Z. It was just a guy who

looked like him.
Have Lots of Stories

Stories are best when they are brought up in

context. That context can be time- based (“Guess
what happened to me just now?”) or topic-based.
You'll notice that stand-up comedians have two
standard segues. One is to say, “Yesterday I
”, and the other is “Speaking of ”. The former
makes a story relevant based on the time it
happened, and the other makes it relevant due to
the topic.

Comedians are always lying about when things

happened. This is expected, because they're
comics, but you should not do the same. For that
reason, most of your stories will have to be topically
relevant.

The key to having topically relevant stories is to

have a lot of stories and to know what they are. I'd
estimate that I have about two hundred good
stories, across different topics. Some are funny,
some are inspiring, some are sad, some are tense
and awkward.

Having so many stories across topics as well as

emotional states gives me a lot of maneuverability.
For just about any topic that's brought up, I have at
least one story I can contribute. Across topics that
are popular amongst people I'm interested in getting
to know, I might have several stories, each with a
different tone.

That means that I can either match the tone of the

conversation, or I can shift it by telling a story with a
tone that I think is more conducive to the group
dynamic.

I briefly took violin lessons. My teacher had this

beautiful violin that I always wanted to play, but I
never asked because I figured he'd just say no.
We'd play the same piece, and I'd admire how rich
his violin sounded. I wanted to play it so that I could
hear myself make those same beautiful sounds.
One day, he forgot to bring his violin to our lesson.
He apologized, but said that he'd just play mine to
demonstrate. He did that, and I was shocked-- it
sounded exactly like his violin. It turns out the
instrument didn't matter all that much.

The same is true of telling stories. People often

incorrectly assume that they need amazing subject
matter to tell a good story. That's always a nice
bonus if you happen to have a good subject, but the
skill of storytelling is what's really
important. I just told you a story about how my violin
teacher played my violin instead of his-- not exactly
blockbuster story fodder, but it can be made
interesting.

You already have plenty of material for stories. To

practice telling stories I used to relate my trips to the
grocery store to people, and I'm sure you've done
more interesting things that grocery shopping. The
key is to learn how to tell a good story so that more
of the things that occur in your life can be told in an
interesting manner.

If you don't feel like you have a lot of interesting

stories, a good exercise is to take a sheet of paper
and write the letters of the alphabet down the left
side.
Then come up with a short description of a story that
begins with each letter. So mine might be A-Alaskan
Motorcycle Trip B-Bank Robbery C-Crashed
Motorcycle, all the way down to Z.

The simple act of racking your brain to come up with

twenty-six stories is valuable. You could throw away
the paper afterwards and still benefit from the
exercise, just because it makes you realize how
many stories you have. But you can also go a step
further and memorize the list. Then when an
awkward lull comes in a conversation, you quickly
run through the list and tell the most relevant one.

By defining those twenty-six stories, you'll also be

more likely to tell them repeatedly to different
people. By doing that you'll be able to refine the
stories and make them better.

Confidence is an important part of social skills and

nearly impossible to fake convincingly. One way to
gain confidence is to know that you have a
repertoire of stories that you have told before to
good effect and can call upon any time you feel like
you don't know what to say.

Tell Stories About Your Friends that Make Them

Look Good

There's a range of stories that you can tell about

yourself, but there's a much wider range that you
can tell about your friends. Some stories make you
look so good that to tell them would come across as
outright bragging. The only good way you can tell
those stories is if someone insists, which happens
rarely.
However, if you know stories like that about your
friends, you can tell them and
then you both look good.

Your friend looks good because you're telling a

story about him in which he shines. But he also
looks good because his friend thinks highly enough
him to prop him up. In addition, you look good
because you are secure enough to make your friend
look good rather than toot your own horn.

This concept also applies to interesting stories that

wouldn't necessarily be construed as bragging, but
are so out of context that they wouldn't otherwise
come up. My friend Olivia, one of the most socially
savvy people I know, always asks me to tell my
story about trying to buy a pet penguin whenever
she introduces me to new people. She's heard the
story a million times but she knows that it will
entertain her friends and will define who I am a little
bit to them.

On the other hand, you should never tell stories that

make your friends look bad. It's fine to expose their
quirks, but if they messed something up, you'd
never want to talk about that, even if it was a funny
story. By doing that your friend looks bad, but you
also look bad for putting down your friend. Besides,
if someone's your friend, you should have enough
good stories about them that there's never any
occasion to tell stories that make them look bad,
right?
Keep Stories in Reserve

A common source of social anxiety is the worry of

running out of things to say. A long silence is no big
deal between two close friends, but when you first
meet someone, an awkward silence can be enough
to cause one person to end the conversation. We
have a subconscious understanding of this, and it
can manifest itself as fear, which, unfortunately,
makes it even harder to come up with things to say.

The simple answer is to always have stories in

reserve. Before you go to a party with friends or a
social event, think of one or two stories. They
should be stories that you've told a million times and
can tell without a lot of conscious thought.
Then make it a goal to not tell those stories.

That leaves you with the motivation to rack your

brain and come up with a good question or story
when there's a pause, but you won't feel panicked,
because you'll always have those stories in reserve.
This makes it easier to come up with things to say in
the conversation, but gives you good backups.

You might think about keeping questions in reserve,

but that's not as effective. A story that you've told a
many times will allow you, while you tell it, to think
about the conversation and where to take it. Telling
the story won't use all of your processing power, so
you can use the spare brain cycles to plan.

A story is also more likely to lead to further

conversation if you drop hooks in it, and it can make
the person slightly more interested in you, so that
they'll become more invested in keeping the
conversation going. You might feel like you're going
to have to use both of your stories in a row, but it
almost always just takes one, and then the
conversational flow solidifies, especially if you drop
some hooks in it.

It's also a good idea to reserve some of your very

best stories on a larger scale. Let's say that you
have five stories, your best five, that are interesting
to nearly everyone and each reveals a different
side of you. Consider limiting yourself to telling just
one per social interaction with someone.

Part of the fun of getting to know someone is

unraveling their layers and learning more about
them each time you spend time together. It's a
process of mutual exploration that is satisfying and
exciting to both people. If you tell all of
your best stories all at once, you risk flaring out.
You seem really interesting at first, and then the
next time you meet up, you're trying to compete with
your five most interesting stories. This opens up the
door for the other person to think that maybe they
had you wrong-- maybe you aren't that interesting.

If you save some stories and the other person gets

to discover a new one each time for the first few
times you hang out, you will reaffirm that you are
interesting and worth getting to know. By the time
you get through them, you'll be beyond the point of
trying to be interesting, and will have a strong
human connection.
Make the Other Person Comfortable

A key element to a good conversation is for both

people to feel comfortable. Uncomfortable people
clam up, leave the conversation, or say what they
think the other person wants to hear rather than
what they believe. People who are comfortable
want the conversation to go on longer and invest
more in it, making themselves vulnerable and talking
about real things. Any good conversation you've
ever had has involved a comfortable counterpart.

The first part of the formula is to make sure not just

that the other person is physically comfortable, but
that you are equally comfortable.

Imagine someone is sitting in an armchair and you

are standing in front of them. Even though they are
physically comfortable, your discomfort will make
them mentally uncomfortable. It's okay to start a
conversation like this, but you have to adapt
quickly, either by sitting down or getting them to
stand up with you.
Both of you sitting is better than one sitting and one
standing, but both standing is better than one
person sitting.
Next, you want to adjust physical proximity. You
want to be close enough to hear each other, but far
enough that the other person doesn't feel
encroached upon. Look to body language to
determine how comfortable they are. If they are
facing you with their body and face, then you are an
appropriate distance. If they are turned away from
you, this is a sign that you are too close.

Different cultures and relationship roles have

different standards for physical proximity. You can
be close to a family member or good friend, but
probably shouldn't be so close to someone you've
just met in business. Physical proximity can be
changed on the fly, so play with it and watch the
other person's reaction.

The other important comfort factor is how at ease

the other person feels expressing himself. You can
tell a good friend something controversial and it
won't affect his opinion of you. But what about
someone new? You never know if they'll shut down
the conversation just because you disagree. So
people stay guarded and don't invest in the
conversation until they're comfortable.

A good shortcut to expressive comfort is to

pleasantly disagree with the other person.
Showing that you are listening but not judging is a
great way to make them feel comfortable. For
example, let's say they express a relatively safe
opinion with which you disagree. You can say
something like, “I've always thought the opposite,
actually, but that's really interesting.”

This gives a signal that you are comfortable with

disagreement. They should then feel more open to
sharing increasingly personal views, and having
conversations that involve disagreement.

If you don't want to wait for them to share an

opinion, you can also offer one independently, but
frame it in such a way that it's obvious that you
don't judge people who think differently. For
example, “I know not everyone agrees, but I've
always thought . Who knows if I'm right or not, but
it makes sense to me.”

You shouldn't disclaim everything you say like that,

but the first one or two controversial things you say
could benefit from it. And it's a good idea to do this,
even if you have non-controversial things you could
say instead. In many situations, like when first
getting to know someone, a good goal is to increase
the depth of the conversation as quickly as possible.

As you speak with someone, constantly monitor

their comfort level. Are they making eye contact?
Do they laugh easily? Can they offer an opinion
without feeling like they need to disclaim it? Are
they focused on you, or are they looking away?
People often misread discomfort as disinterest, but
they're two very different things. If there are warning
signs of discomfort, aim to relieve it before
assuming it is disinterest.
Always Give the Other Person an Out Teasing
and banter are a valuable part of communication.
They make people feel comfortable with each other,
create a game that's fun to be a part of, and allow
each person the opportunity to display their sense
of humor and wit. Any interaction that has both
people laughing is probably one that's moving the
friendship in the right direction.

There is an important rule that must be observed

during all conversations, especially those involving
banter: always give the other person an out.

If you jokingly make fun of someone, you want

there to be a clear retort that they can make to get
you back. In reality, you should be joking for two,
coming up with a way to tease the other person, but
also having in mind at least one way they could
tease you back.

For example, let's say you jokingly make fun of

someone's cooking, even though it's good. It would
be best if you had cooked something recently that
was a total disaster, so that they could instantly say
something like, “Oh yeah? You mean like when you
tried to cook spaghetti?”
You won't always be left with outs, so you either
laugh it off and show that you don't take yourself
too seriously, or you scramble and come up with
one of your own. Either way is good. Like many
concepts in the book, you want to create an unfair
playing field tilted towards the other person. You
take responsibility for conversations, but never
require them to take responsibility. You leave them
outs, but don't count on them doing the same.

Besides having a way to get you back, the other

person must not take damage from your jab. If he
was sensitive about his cooking, you'd never want
to joke about it. As a rule, you don't tease someone
about something unless they have no reason to take
offense to it. Otherwise your out that you leave them
is only a false one.

Giving people outs extends beyond just joking

around. Imagine that you're setting up a time to
hang out and the conversation begins like this: You:
“Hey, want to hang out?”

Friend: “Sounds good. How about

Friday?” You: “Actually I'm busy

Friday.”
Friend: “Saturday, then?”

Let's say that you're busy on Saturday as well. If

you just say that you're busy, you are essentially
leaving your friend with no outs. His options are to
suggest a third day and feel like he's really
overextending himself, or to give up trying to hang
out.

Better would have been to suggest a different

day right up front: Friend: “Sounds good. How

about Friday?”

You: “Actually, I'm busy then. Does Sunday work for

you?”

Now your friend doesn't have to put himself in an

awkward position by continually suggesting days,
only to be shut down by you.

The general principle is that for anything you say,

there must be an appropriate response that your
friend can make that makes him look good. He
won't always come up with the same one that you
think of, or even come up with one at all, but the
opportunity must exist.

If you provide an out which your friend fails to take,

and he is now in an awkward spot, you can bring it
up yourself. For example, in the banter example, you
could pause and say, “But hey... at least it wasn't
like that pasta I tried to cook last week!”

No matter who you are or what your conversational

style is, people want to feel good when they talk to
you. That could be because you're in an interesting
conversation, because you're complimenting them,
or because you're bantering back and forth and
they're never been backed into a corner.
Eye Contact Short and sweet-- always make eye
contact. In every conversation you have, you should
maintain eye contact eighty percent of the time or
more. Over ninety percent of the time is better.
Studies show that, while controlling for other
variables, eye contact causes people to like and
trust each other more.

Eye contact indicates that the person you're

speaking with has your full attention and is important
to you. If those two things aren't true, it's probably
better not to have the conversation in the first place.
Not making eye contact is dismissive and rude.
Look away to think or pause, but when you are
speaking or the other person is speaking, you
should look into their eyes.

You probably already do this, so I won't belabor the

point. But I've met people who make almost no eye
contact, and it's extremely uncomfortable talking with
them.
Be Easily Distracted During Your Own Stories,
But Not Theirs

There's nothing better than hearing a great story,

and almost nothing worse than being stuck listening
to a bad story that just won't end. For that reason,
you want to make sure that your stories last a long
time if the other person is really into them and are
cut short if they aren't interested.

The easiest way to do this is to be easily distracted

whenever you're telling a story, even if you think it's
the best story you have.

If you can find a way to just stop talking, maybe

because someone has interrupted your conversation
or because the waiter has brought your food, take
that opportunity and never bring the story back up.
Just assume that it's dead. If your friend interrupts
you, switch to whatever they're talking about.

If the other person is interested, they will bring the

topic back up. No one is too shy to ask to hear the
rest of a really interesting story. And if they're not
interested, the story dies. That's frustrating
sometimes, because it's fun to tell stories, but telling
someone a story they aren't interested in hearing is
always a negative.

As you do this, pay attention to which stories

never get brought back from the dead, and bias
yourself towards not telling them to other people.
Some stories are good, some are duds, and some
will only be enjoyed by certain people. It's good to
know which are which.

The better you know someone, the less you have to

drop your stories. Eventually you know people well
enough to make intelligent predictions about which
stories they'll enjoy and which they won't. So most
stories you'll just tell the whole way through. If you
detect even a whiff of disinterest, you can drop the
story gracefully.

On the other hand, always allow others to finish their

stories, even if they're boring. You can break this
rule for very close friends who appreciate blunt
criticism, but that will be a very small minority of the
people with whom you interact.

Your goals in a conversation are to make sure

that the other person enjoys themselves, to allow
them to learn about you, and for you to learn about
them.
By allowing them to tell a story that's not all that
interesting, you are letting them enjoy themselves,
and you're also learning about them, even if it's in a
tedious format.
Crossing the Line

In any given social situation, there's a bounding line

that dictates what's polite and what's too intimate.
This line is defined by the relationship between the
people in the conversation. For example, you could
tell your best friend that he's gaining weight and
should hit the gym, but you would never say that to
a stranger.

Another example is the tone and texture of

language used. With a new contact in a professional
setting, profanity, certain colloquialisms, or slang
would be outside the line.

Some people routinely cross this line, but they are

very few. Usually the breaches are along the lines
of slang or profanity, rather than truly offending
someone. On the other hand, I'd contend that the
vast majority of people draw the line too tightly.

Friendships deepen with voluntary increases in

intimacy. There's a wag the dog sort of effect where
deepening friendships cause intimacy to increase,
but it also works in reverse.

When two people begin communicating, both are,

among other things, trying not to look foolish. Safe
opinions and pleasantries never make someone
look like a fool, so very often they are the topics that
people stick to when they aren't well acquainted.

As in many life situations, there's a big difference

between “playing not to lose” and “playing to win”.
You can go through your entire life without ever
giving anyone a reason to dislike you, but still not
make a single close friend. On the other hand, you
can give a lot of people reasons to not like you and
still create a great group of friends with other
people.

This doesn't mean that you want to offend people or

make people not like you, only that it can be worth
risking “friend rejection” if that strategy wins you
more good friends in the end. In practice, this means
that you want to get very close to the line, possibly
crossing it in small steps from time to time.

One way to cross the line a little bit is to tease the

other person. Nothing actually offensive, but
something that you might say to a close friend.
Doing this not only
breaks a barrier and moves you closer to
friendship, but it also allows the other person to act
friendlier towards you. The old line is now within the
new one, so he can safely be more friendly without
putting himself at risk of seeming foolish.

One of my favorite examples from my own life is

when I was seated on a cruise ship next to an older
English couple and two younger Romanian girls. It
was our first night sitting together, and the talk was
all superficial chit-chat. The English man took a
piece of bread and offered it to the Romanians. As
they reached to take it, I put out my hand to stop
them and said, “Oh, no ................Romanians don't
eat
bread.”

On its own, this isn't a very funny joke. But I knew

that I could cross that line and get away with it, and
the tension of me crossing the line caused everyone
to laugh. That's the kind of joking around you'd do
amongst friends, and the feeling of the dinner
immediately changed to casual and friendly. From
then on, we all joked around together every night.

You can also cross the line by revealing something

personal, like a struggle you're going through or
something embarrassing that happened. This
serves the same purpose: to act more like friends,
and to allow the other person the opportunity to
reveal something about himself.

If you are not very confident in your ability to assess

where the line is, it's best to approach it gradually
and in measured steps. Test the waters and, if the
response is good, push even further. If you cross
too far and make someone uncomfortable, you've
probably only made them slightly uncomfortable,
from which you can easily recover.

As illustrated in the Romanian bread example,

crossing the line is at least as effective in group
settings as it is one-on-one. In a group it is harder to
cross the line, so most people will be too reserved to
do it. Sometimes two people who could be quite
friendly in a one-on-one setting will act formally
when surrounded by others. Like so many other
techniques in this book, you want to take
responsibility for everyone else's experience and put
yourself out there by being the one to cross it. Very
often you'll find that everyone gets significantly more
comfortable as soon as you do. You've set a new
friendly tone for the interaction that everyone tacitly
agrees to by not being offended.
Again, it's important to stress that this does not
mean that you want to be
obnoxious or just run across lines. The takeaway
should be that a line does exist, but that it's further
out than most people are typically willing to go, and
by crossing it very slightly you actually endear
people to you and make the conversation more
friendly.
Involve Everyone

When you're speaking in a group situation, you are

assuming a lot of responsibility. You are taking the
attention and time of several different people, and
are implicitly promising them that what you fill that
time with will be worthwhile. Or at least you should
be doing that-- if you're not, then you're wasting
people's time.

There are a lot of ways to fill that time meaningfully.

You could be asking questions to begin an
interesting discussion, you could be telling a great
story, or you could be sharing some insight into
something that you've learned recently.

There are also a lot of ways to waste that time and

attention. I ate dinner with a group once, where one
guy was absolutely intent on relating his history of
purchases at airport duty free shops. Seriously,
“Well, in Heathrow, I bought a liter of Cuantro. It was
only ten pounds!” for dozens of minutes.

Even if some people were interested in his duty free

stories, he made a critical mistake. He didn't involve
everyone.
When you're taking conversational responsibility of a
group, it is your obligation to make sure that
everyone is involved in the discussion. Not actively,
necessarily, but everyone must be interested in what
you're talking about.

That means that you make eye contact with

everyone to personally connect with them. It also
means that you don't go on about duty free
purchases with a group of people that don't drink.
And it means that if someone is losing interest, you
either ask them a question to reengage or change
the topic to something that everyone would be
interested in.

You may be tempted to focus only on the people

within the group in whom you're most interested.
You'll go to a party, connect with one person, and
during a group conversation you'll focus on them
because they're the one you like the most.

This is a mistake, though. You have to remember

that everyone in a group setting is there for a
reason. Even if you don't like Bob, someone there
does. Maybe it's one of the people you like the most.
If Bob is having a bad time, he may disrupt the
conversation, or someone who really likes him may
notice that
he's not enjoying the conversation and then they'll
become disengaged.

As you speak, or even as others are speaking, look

around the group and try to guess how interested
they are in the current topic. For most it will be
obvious, but if you do this as a habit, even the
harder to read ones will become more obvious.
When you notice that someone is disengaged, think
about what might bring them back in.

The first consideration when considering how to

bring someone back in is to assess whether they
prefer listening or speaking. Some people love to be
in the spotlight, while others prefer to listen, as long
as the conversation is interesting.

If the person prefers to speak, try asking their

opinion. A good generic way to do this is to say
something like, “Jean, you always have interesting
takes on these sorts of topics, what do you think?”

Unless the topic is very far from their interests, this

will engage almost anyone. When a conversation
makes someone feel important, the conversation
then feels more important to them. Even if they
quickly give an opinion and then the conversation
continues, they will be more engaged because
they've invested in it.

If the disengaged person is more of a listener, the

solution isn't quite as easy. If you're in the middle of
telling a story, you might consider speeding it up
and getting to the next topic. If several people are
disengaged, you might cut the story and just skip to
the next one. Another tactic is to make the story, or
part of the story, relevant to the other person. You
could say something like, “We were in Berlin, where
I think you lived for a while, right, Katy?” This one
sentence makes the story relevant and can
increase Katy's engagement.

In a large group, you may not really be able to keep

everyone engaged all of the time. People have
varying levels of interest in different topics and
types of socialization. What's even more important
is to make sure people are not socially excluded
across periods of time longer than a single story.

I frequently run into another common mistake when

I'm in a mixed group with some technically inclined
friends. A friend with mediocre awareness might
start talking about server architecture, which can be
fascinating if all people are interested in it, but is
intensely boring if you're not technically inclined. In
those situations I will cut the conversation as short
as possible without even looking to
see if everyone's engaged. I can safely make the
assumption that they aren't.

If my friend manages to engage me in a technical

discussion, I'll keep it as short as possible, and then
I'll immediately switch to a topic that will engage the
others, even if it will alienate him a bit. Most likely I
would turn to a non- engaged person and ask them
about a trip they went on or their family or
something that they'll love to talk about. That way
even if I can't keep everyone engaged in the short
term, everyone will have talked about interesting
things over the course of the evening.

One particular situation to be aware of is when you

are with a friend and their significant other. When
you know one person very well and have a lot of
inside jokes and common knowledge, many of your
usual conversations will alienate everyone else,
including significant others. In that situation, I'll
almost always engage the significant other quickly. I
can assume that my friend will recognize that I'm
being considerate towards his girlfriend, and that
he'll be glad that I'm engaging her.

If I'm the significant other in the equation, I'm happy

to allow the other two to talk as they please, but I'm
also inclined to use it as an opportunity to get to
know my girlfriend's friends and to take the
responsibility of accommodating me off their hands.
Know That You're Probably Wrong All The Time

I consider myself to be an intelligent person, and yet

I've been wrong so many times in my life. I was
vegan for a while, and now I eat meat. Each time I
switched because I believed the other diet to be
healthier. So we can be assured that I was wrong at
least once between those two decisions. I've been
sure of facts, bet my friends, and then lost those
bets. I remember being convinced a mechanic was
wrong as he diagnosed a boat motor, and then
watching as he fixed it in seconds.

It never feels good to be wrong, but I'm glad to have

been wrong so many times. For one, it gives me
proof that I'm actually learning, and second it has
beaten into submission my confidence that I'm
always right about everything. And that's made me a
better conversationalist.

No one ever thinks that they're wrong in an

argument, and yet at least fifty percent of people are
(sometimes both can be wrong). If you're hanging
out with people of approximately your same
intellectual level, your odds of being right are
around fifty percent. And if you're only hanging out
with people much less intelligent than yourself,
you're probably doing yourself a big disservice.

It's fine to have an argument with someone and

believe that you're right. Some people really like
debating each other, and it can actually bring
people closer. But when one or both people refuse
to admit the possibility that they could be wrong,
the argument can be destructive.

So go in knowing the odds. You're just as likely to

be right as wrong. If you realize that you're wrong,
don't cling to your old belief to be safe or save face.
Give your friend the satisfaction and respect of
having convinced you, and he'll be more likely to
admit when he's wrong next time.

If you don't do this, and you always believe that

you're right and never give an inch of doubt, people
won't want to argue with you. They'll avoid any topic
that's remotely controversial and you'll find yourself
unable to engage in meaningful debate.

Remember that it's not important to be right in the

beginning, only in the end. And if your friend gets
the satisfaction of teaching you something as you
become right, that's a good thing for both of you.
Being Relatable

A friend came to me with a really interesting

problem. He has a very exciting life, traveling
constantly, going on adventures, and running his
own business. Sometimes when he talks to people
with dissimilar lives, he finds that he becomes
alienated. Is that preventable, or is it just how he's
going to have to relate to people with more
conventional lives?

The solution is to downplay and be more relatable.

People are most comfortable hanging out and
talking with people that they can relate to. They can
be confident that those people will accept them and
be interested in what they have to say. But if you
seem like your life is radically different, they can
become insecure and either withdraw or try to cut
you down to their level.

Try to imagine how the person or group you're

interacting with thinks. What motivates them? To
what do they ascribe their successes and failures?
What is an average day like? What qualities do they
respect? What do they like to do?

Once you can conceive of these things, shape your

conversation to match. For example, my friend was
talking to people who probably rarely travel. They
work normal jobs and aren't particularly ambitious or
proactive. He should avoid talking about travel at all,
or, if the topic comes up in conversation, he should
say, “Oh, I was just in Europe. I got a crazy deal on a
ticket, so I couldn't pass it up.”

There's no way they can interpret that as him

thinking he's better than them. They can imagine
being lucky and getting a good deal on a trip. They
probably won't even ask where in Europe he
traveled. It's just too far from their reality to be a
relevant detail.

Of course, sometimes you'll meet someone who is

genuinely interested in the details and keeps
probing. No problem obliging them-- the point is to
share the information they'll most relate to, and then
to allow them to choose how much of the other
information they receive.

For his job, which is self-directed and rather

impressive, I'd try to couch it as much as possible
as a normal person's job. Instead of listing off all of
my sites, blog, an books I've written, I always just
say “I'm a writer” in those situations. If people ask
for more information, I'm happy to give it to them,
but I'm wary of
explanations that could be construed as bragging.

A couple years ago some friends and I bought a

small island. Most people assume that this means
I'm a millionaire, but the truth is that it was cheaper
than the median priced home in the US, and we split
it ten ways. Even so, you can imagine that telling
people about our island can be alienating.

So when I come back from a trip there and

someone asks where I'm traveling from, I just say
“Nova Scotia”. If they ask why, I might say that
some friends and I bought some land there. If they
ask for the whole story I'll tell them everything.

Of course, If I were talking with someone I

perceived to be higher status than me, or just
someone else who does cool projects, I would just
say that I came back from an island I bought with
my friends and wouldn't worry that it would make
me unrelatable.

Just because you downplay to people who might

be intimidated doesn't mean that you should
exaggerate to those on the other end of the
spectrum. A little bit of modesty is appreciated by
everyone, but exaggeration sours people quickly
and makes them assume everything you say might
be an exaggeration.

Remember that there's a difference between

someone liking you and someone being
impressed by you. Impressing can alienate, but
you won't run into any problems making people
like you.
Smile and be Positive

Everyone has some sort of self-description. Maybe

I'm an adventurous traveler and writer, maybe
you're a sarcastic musician and comedian.
However you define yourself, add “happy and
positive” to the beginning of that description, and be
that version of yourself.

People will decide how much time to spend with you

primarily based on how they feel when they're
around you. Your accomplishments are just enough
to get people to want to know you. Whether or not
they become good friends with you will have a lot
more to do with how they feel while hanging out with
you.

If you are cheerful and positive, people will enjoy

spending time around you. The happy and positive
version of you is the best version you have to offer
other people.

If someone is happy and in a great mood, your

positivity will only make them feel even better. If
someone is having a tough time, your positivity
might cheer them up, or at least make them forget
their problems for the time.
That doesn't mean you have to joke around all the
time, be fake, or be rambunctious. You just want to
be positive. Smile and look at the bright side. That's
all it takes.

Positivity is even more important in groups than it is

one-on-one. Seven happy excited people can have
the wind taken out of their sails by one negative
person acting alone. If seven people are having a
good time and you end that, you're doing a lot of
damage to people that you consider friends.
Being Dynamic

I probably shouldn't say this, as it will make just

about everyone feel awkward around me, but I'm
constantly analyzing people's social skills. When I
really like being around someone, I think a lot about
why that's so. There are some people whom I can
spend weeks with and still be excited about their
company. How do they do that?

The real mysteries, though, are the people who I

should like spending time with, but just don't. They're
good people, don't rub me the wrong way at all, and
yet I can take or leave them. As I see who gets
invited to what, I often notice that others feel the
same way.

What do these people have in common? What can

they do to shift the perception others have of them
and be in a better position to share their positive
aspects?

The best definition, loose as it is, is that these

people lack the quality of being dynamic. They're
predictable, reserved, and seem to endeavor to
minimize their impact on others.
In my definition, I mean a certain type of being
predictable. It's good to be predictably timely,
cheerful, and any other number of positive
attributes. But there's something really magnetic
about someone who brings something different to
the interaction every time. You don't know what
they'll say. Maybe they'll have a really interesting
question they're mulling over, maybe a great new
story, or maybe some exciting new place they've
found. Their positive contribution to the social
interaction is unpredictable.

People who are reserved and minimize their impact

succeed in leaving everyone unoffended, but people
go to social gatherings for a reason, and that reason
is not to be unoffended or remain unimpacted.

Think of the ideal person you'd like to meet or hang

out with. A dynamic person. He's going to be excited
about something, but you don't know what. He won't
sit by in the wings, but will be sharing his excitement
with everyone. He enriches the environment both
through the content of what he shares, and also
through the emotion he brings. His cheerfulness and
excitement lift everyone's mood. That's addictive. It
makes people want to spend time with him.
He's also looking for the same in the people with
whom he interacts. He wants to know what they're
excited about, and will try to draw it out of them.
He's looking for the chance to bring people out of
their shells and be impacted by them.

Some suggestions in this book are optional and you

can get by with or without them. I try to include
ideas that will appeal to both the socially inept who
are making big changes, and the socially adept who
are fine-tuning their approach. But being dynamic
applies to everyone and is essential. If you think
there's any chance you're not very dynamic,
improving should be a top priority.

Someone who is dynamic is really engaged with life.

He's going through life looking for the interesting
and exciting. He's engaged with people, too. It's not
enough to find these interesting and exciting things
for himself, he must share it with the world.

Make it your mission to look at the world as the

wonder that it is. Find the humor and awe in
everyday situations. Push yourself out of your
comfort zone and experience more than you have
before. And then share these things with other
people and hone in on their reactions. Look for the
signs of the pleasure they get from your impact.
Your Value as a Friend

It's nice to think that everyone is equally wonderful

and would make a great friend if you just took the
time to know them, but that's probably not true. As a
simple, non-controversial example, imagine you
cloned yourself, and one clone got rid of bad habits.
He would be a better friend as a result. Even if two
people were equally good at being friends, there's
the issue of compatibility.

This all boils down to value. Not your value as a

human being, but the value you bring to any
individual friendship. And it's all relative-- a
hammer has a lot of value if you need to put some
nails into boards, but very little if you need to cut a
board in half. Don't get too hung up on the
connotations of value, just think of it as what you
bring to a specific friendship.

To any person, you'll have some level of intrinsic

value. These are things that you are. For example,
if you live in the same city as someone, that gives
you some intrinsic value. All other things being
equal, they'd rather befriend someone who lives
nearby. Or maybe you're really funny, which makes
you fun to be around.
You also bring value to the friendship via action. If
you make dinner for your friends, you're adding
value to their lives. If you organize an event for your
friends, you're also adding value.

Whether you think about these things or not, or

whether you're even able to identify them, they're
there. When you really like being friends with
someone, it's because they're bringing a lot of value
to the friendship. When you stop being friends with
someone, it's because they weren't bringing
enough.

In certain ways, you're also taking value from your

friends. When you drink some milk from their fridge,
you've taken a little bit of value from them. When you
spread bad rumors about them, you're taking a lot of
value from them.

In the end it's a subconscious equation that you're

calculating, weighing value taken with value given.
As a friend, you want to maximize the value that
you give to your friends, both things that you are
and things that you do.

A good exercise is to think about what it might be

like to be your friend. What would that feel like?
What would the good parts of that friendship be?
What
would the bad parts be? What could you do to
make that experience better for the other person?

It's interesting to think about, because some of your

positive attributes translate to lots of value, and
others into not so much. If you're neat and tidy,
that's great for you, but not particularly amazing for
your friends. If you're very empathetic, that could
bring a lot of value to your friends.

Think also about the things you can do for your

friends and how those things would affect them.
How would your friends feel if you make dinner for
them once a week? How about if you organized a
hike for them?
Friendship is Based on Shared Experiences, Not
Time

I have a friend named Derek who has excellent

social skills and is particularly good at crossing the
line and making himself vulnerable. We met in
person once or twice, talked on the phone a bunch
of times, and sent a handful of emails back and
forth. During one of our phone calls, we were
talking about the pros and cons of traveling and
making friends; how you get to spend good quality
time with people, but that having so many balls in
the air means that you may not get to spend all that
much time with any given person.

He said that he thought that people overrated time

spent together. For example, he said, we're really
good friends even though we've only hung out in
person a couple of times.

I'd never thought about that, but the more I did, the
more it made sense. There were some friends I'd
had for years with whom I wouldn't share personal
problems and whose company I wouldn't go out of
my way to share. On the other hand, my friend who
brought this up was someone with whom I would
readily share personal problems. And if he were in a
tight spot and needed someone to help him, I'd be
there to do it.

I thought a lot about why this was so. How could I

be better friends with someone I'd known for a short
period of time than someone I'd known for years?

It occurred to me that friendships are mostly based

on shared experiences and the realizations and
consequences of those experiences. But the trick is
that those shared experiences don't have to be
synchronous. If two people do similar things in their
childhoods, they'll probably have a lot of common
values and experiences to talk about. If not, they
have a lot of ground to cover. They can still become
best friends, but it might take a bit longer.

Derek and I were both a little bit rebellious towards

authority, had both stumbled upon programming
early, and had done similar types of travel. We'd
both become minimalists and valued similar things.

These are the sorts of friends where you both seem

to understand each other immediately. It's very easy
to rapidly become friends with someone when you
have a lot of similar experiences in your pasts.
If you don't have those similar experiences, then
you'll probably have to create them. The catch is that
you can't just do the same thing together all the time.
That's just one shared experience, repeated
indefinitely. That's why there are some
acquaintances that never become friends, no matter
how much time you spend with them. You don't
have those shared common experiences, and you
aren't really creating them either.
Introductions

Introductions are the fundamental currency of

expansive social skills; that is, building your friend
group or making friends in different circles. The
power of this particular currency, however, is that
rather than lose it, you earn more by spending it
wisely. Receiving introductions is fantastic, but
giving them out is even better.

One of your top social priorities should be helping

others meet their future best friends. Among your
first thoughts upon getting to know someone should
be: who do I know who would love this person? Who
of the people I know would they love?

By making an introduction, you manifest a huge

benefit for three people out of thin air. The two
people introduced get to know someone great, and
you get the credit for it. If someone knows that
you're thinking about them and trying to introduce
them to great people, chances are they're going to
start thinking about you and return the favor. And
one introduction creates two people doing that.

The most important thing to realize about

introductions is that the most valuable role you can
play isn't to be a friend provider, but to be a friend
filter. The benefit you're offering isn't to put
someone in front of them, but rather to put your
stamp of approval on that person.

I have an incredible group of friends. Every day I

think about how fortunate I am to have such kind
and smart people as fixtures in my life. The
problem, though, is that I also stay busy with work,
so my social time is limited. For me to take time
away from the pool of time I could spend with my
amazing friends, it probably has to come through
an introduction. Having a great social circle
demotivates me from meeting up with unknown
people who want to meet with me.

But if one of my friends who knows me well, knows

my values, and knows how busy I am suggests that I
meet someone, I often make the time. We don't
click one hundred percent of the time, but some of
my very best friends have been made this way. As I
write this, a friend I met through a filtered
introduction is
sitting a few feet away, working on his own project.

By introducing two people, you also become a part

of their relationship. The three of you will do things
together, and they'll talk positively about you when
you're not there. So if there's someone you're
working on building a friendship with, making an
introduction can help solidify the friendship.

So besides the literally life-changing amount of

good a well thought out introduction can do for the
people being introduced, it will also be a really
positive thing for you. Don't be selfish with your
friends-- introduce them and share them with other
great people you know.

Think about what it would take for you to introduce

someone to a new friend. Not a best friend with
whom you have a really solid lifelong friendship, but
someone you really like and are building a new
friendship with. Besides thinking that the two people
would be a good fit, you would also have to
consider how the new friend will react if they don't
get along.

There are two ways in which people don't get along.

Sometimes they will like each other, but just not be
interested in being friends. This happens all the time
and is still a net positive. Let's say that you think
there's a chance they'll become good friends, and a
fifty percent chance they'll have a nice tea together,
but won't ever want to meet up again. Even if the
latter happens, both are thankful that you thought of
them, and think just as highly of you as before.

On the other hand, there are situations where

people meet and they strongly dislike each other.
They don't respect each other or they offend each
other. Maybe your new friend is a really solid stable
person and the person you're considering
introducing is a loose cannon. He's an artist who is
fascinating and smart, but he's also moody and
sometimes does things for shock value and offends
people. Even if you think there's a ninety percent
chance the two will get along, you'll be hesitant to
introduce them, and may decide not to do so. You'd
be justified in making that decision, as the
introduction could damage your new friendship and
cause him to misjudge you.

The important takeaway from this is to realize that

you cannot afford to be that liability. Some of your
best friendships will probably come through
introductions, and being a loose cannon will shut
down your opportunities to meet people through
friends.
For this reason, your primary goal when being
introduced is to make your friend look really good.
It's not to make yourself look good, it's to make your
friend look good.

First of all, it's just the right thing to do. Your friend
put his reputation on the line a little bit by vouching
for you, whether or not you make a new friend. You
want that to pay off for him every time, so you make
him look good. You talk about what a great friend he
is, share good stories about him, and constantly
remember that your behavior will reflect on him
whether you intend for it to or not.

Let's say that I was friends with the Queen of

England (I'm not). I would never have to worry about
her meeting anyone I introduced her to. There's just
a zero percent chance she's going to make a bad
impression on someone. So if she asked to meet
anyone I know, I would immediately make it happen.
The person meeting her would have a great
experience, so she would look good, but it would
earn points for me, too.

You want to be the Queen of England. You want to

be the person who any of your friends can introduce
to anyone they know and be sure that it will make
them look good. Besides getting more high-quality
introductions, this also ensures that your friends can
give you a really positive introduction. They can say
great things about you and don't have to hedge it. If
you might be a liability, they talk you up a lot, and
you end up offending them, all of a sudden your
introducing friend looks really bad. If they're worried
that's the case, you get an introduction like, “Alice is
a great person, but once in a while she...”

If you don't get a lot of introductions or if you ask for

them and they somehow don't end up happening,
you are probably more of a liability than you realize.
Work on the other stuff in this book and think
critically about what would stop people from
introducing you. The benefits are worth the
discomfort of discovering some personal flaws that
need work.

We're all connected by approximately six degrees

of separation. Meaning that I know someone who
knows someone who knows someone who knows
someone who knows someone who knows you.
Since we speak the same language and are both
interested in social skills, it's probably more like two
or three. The same goes for anyone you want to
meet. You're probably only three or four degrees
away. The way you hop those degrees is by getting
into the introductions game, making them for your
friends and making sure you're the type of person
whom people would want to introduce.
Look for Side Doors

One of the great things about making friends in

school is that pretty much everyone is accessible
and has a lot of time to socialize. In the real world,
though, that becomes less true, especially as some
people become more sought after due to popularity
or time constraints.

When someone becomes even moderately well-

known, especially in a public forum like the internet,
the requests for his time will quickly outpace the
number of hours in the day. Declining invitations and
ignoring emails becomes a necessity.

As this happens, the requests also become more

homogeneous. The email starts out with a
compliment and statement on how much the
recipient is respected, and then quickly transitions
into a request to meet up for coffee. “Hey, I love
your books and have read all of them. I'm coming to
your city next month and was hoping we could get
coffee.”

This is an attempt to get through a front door that's

mobbed with people, and quite possibly locked to
keep the masses out. The success rate is
somewhere near zero.

I'm not particularly famous, but enough people read

my blog and books that I have to lock my front door.
I used to meet up with people, then I moved to just
declining politely most of the time, and now I just
ignore the emails, because answering them, and
the ensuing follow-ups, would take up too much
time.

One day I got an email from a long-time reader,

asking if I wanted photography lessons. He was
friends with a famous photographer, and offered to
fly to my city with him and have him teach me some
things about shooting.

It sounds like a bribe, and sort of is, but mostly it's a

side door. His approach was so different than
everyone else's that I didn't have a blanket policy
that covered it. I had to evaluate the invitation
individually, and ended up accepting.

Another time a woman emailed me saying that I

was her husband's favorite blogger, and she wanted
to fly him to my city under the guise of a romantic
weekend away, and then have me show up for tea
as a surprise. The idea was so fun that I happily said
yes.
I've done the same thing to meet people. In a
previous life I was one of the pickup artists written
about in the book, The Game. When I moved to San
Francisco and wanted to meet entrepreneurs, most
of them wouldn't have wanted to meet just another
guy starting just another startup. But I had skills that
were in short supply in those circles, and they
opened a lot of doors. Side doors.

When contacting someone who might not reply to

you because he's too busy, or when trying to get him
to hang out with you for the first time, think about
what sorts of requests he gets a lot of, and which he
gets none of. What can you do or say that will get
his attention? Sharing unique skills you have is a
reliable standard, but you can also think about
events you can invite the person to, people you can
introduce him to, or experiences you can create for
him.

You could think of this as bribing people for their

time, which feels a bit unpalatable. But the best and
most accurate way to think about it is as a realist:
many of the people you may want to meet are busy
and get so many requests to meet that they must
say no. Trying to go through the front door won't
work, so if you really want to get to know them,
you've got to find a side door.
Host a Weekly Event

My friend Nick is probably the most socially skilled

person I know, especially in terms of building and
managing large groups of friends. I've been inspired
by many of the things he does, maybe none as
much as the weekly events he hosts.

Nick has an apartment in New York. It's small and

five stories up, but it's in a prime location that makes
it easy for anyone in the city to access. Every week
he has an extremely casual dinner party. He orders
some Thai takeout, invites a bunch of people over,
and they sit around his apartment talking and eating
Thai food.

The great thing about the weekly event isn't that you
get to have a fun time with your friends, but rather
that you create a very convenient track for someone
to become your friend.

When you first meet someone and want to become

better friends, one of you has to take the initiative
and invite the other to do something. Since you're
going to be taking responsibility for the friendships
in your life, that person will be you. But inviting
someone to a one-on-one thing can sometimes be
awkward. If the person is of the opposite sex, it
could be construed as a date even if it's not. And
even inviting someone of the same sex to an event
can feel a little weird. Going from stranger to one-
on-one can be a big jump.

But it's very easy to invite someone to come join

you and your friends for food next Sunday. As Nick
meets interesting people throughout the week, he
invites them to come to dinner at his place. It's an
easy invitation to say yes to, and most do. It seems
like every time I go, there are a few regulars and a
bunch of people I've never met before.

You can also make people into regulars and rapidly

accelerate how quickly you become friends. I
happened to invite a few people to have dinner with
one of my best friends and me. I wanted to become
better friends with them, so I just kept inviting them
every week. Now they're some of my closest friends
and the weekly dinner tradition continues even when
I'm out of town traveling.

Very often in the early stages of friendships, you

don't know the person well enough to go through
the hassle of negotiating a time and place to meet.
You wouldn't mind making the time, but you're
both busy, so it just doesn't happen
regularly. Sometimes you go months without seeing
each other. But a standing weekly event is very easy
to do, and requires no commitment. If they're free
they come, otherwise they don't.

I'd recommend starting with a very simple weekly

event. Pick an off night like Sunday, and just agree
to have dinner at the same place every week. It's
easy to remember, doesn't cost you anything more
than your dinner, and the focus is on people and
conversation. Find a core group of friends that will go
with you every week, maybe people you're hoping to
get to know better, and then all of you can invite
people you meet to the dinner. Now you have an
easy way to begin new friendships.
Travel is a Friendship Shortcut

It all started by accident. I booked an extraordinarily

cheap trip to Japan and excitedly tweeted about it.
A reader whom I'd met once, and liked, booked
similar dates with at least a week of overlap. As I'm
really familiar with Japan, I offered to show him
around by train.

The flight wasn't for another nine months, so as the

weeks went on I told more and more friends about
the trip. All of them had heard me talk about Japan
throughout the years, so many were interested in
coming along. Before I knew it, I had a group of ten
people, ranging from really close friends to people
I'd never actually met in person.

I'm now close friends with everyone I invited on that

trip. Some of them became close friends with each
other, too. As I write this, I'm on another trip with
the guy I'd never met, and I've actually bought
property with the reader who was the first to join the
trip.

The quantity and depths of friendships created

during that single week is amazing. In an average
week, I make zero new friendships and deepen
existing ones slightly. That one week significantly
deepened several friendships and created at least
two new ones.

This was such a fantastic use of time that the trip

has become an annual tradition and has been
supplemented with twice-annual transoceanic group
cruises. Each of these has spawned and deepened
friendships, both for me and the others on the trips.

Why does this work? I think there are a lot of

reasons, but two major ones.

First, you rack up a huge number of shared

experiences in a very short amount of time. On the
first cruise to Japan, we ran to catch trains, climbed
up boulders on the top of a mountain, visited a tea
farm, hiked between some famous temples, sang
karaoke, and ate at a robotic sushi restaurant.
That's a lot of positive memories to share. It's also a
slightly different view of the world that we all got to
see at the same time. None of us were completely
transformed by the trip, but each of our lives was
slightly altered as a result. That's something we
have in common.
Second, some of the most interesting people you'll
meet are also the busiest. You don't become
interesting by being idle. Often the only way you're
actually going to get a chance to become good
friends with interesting people is to separate them
from their normal life. This is one reason I
particularly like cruises. Being on a cruise is such a
bizarre and foreign experience, situated way out in
the middle of the ocean, that it may as well be
another world. Plenty of time to sit down and really
get to know someone.

Travel doesn't have to be exotic or faraway to be a

great binder, though. My friend Olivia has an annual
event where she rents a house out in a redwood
forest. She invites a ton of friends who each split the
cost, so it's not a huge burden on her. We have nice
long meals that we take turns cooking, hikes
through the woods, and plenty of time to just sit
around and chat or play games. Even though it's
only an hour away from where most of us live, it's
still a big enough shift to have the exact same effect
as the trips to Japan.

Traveling is a great way to make yourself more

interesting, if you feel like being interesting is
something you need to work on. It puts you in
enough unusual situations that you build a bank of
stories and experiences, and it gives you
perspective you wouldn't have otherwise gotten.
Couple that with trips with your friends, new and old,
and it becomes an extremely valuable social activity.
Focus On Important Friendships

For most of my life, deciding how to spend my time

wasn't much of a struggle. I had a few close friends,
wasn't outgoing enough to make more, and had a
lot of free time. So if someone wanted to hang out,
I'd probably be able to go join them without much
thought. But then, a few years ago, that changed.

I had become consumed with my work. I'd stay

home all day, sitting in front of the computer,
chipping away at the work that lay before me. I
loved being so productive, but all of a sudden I
didn't have very much social time. I struggled to see
all of my friends, and realized that I didn't actually
have the time to spend enough quality time with
them.

So I decided that I would stop hanging out with

everyone except for my closest friends and new
friends that I was really interested in becoming
better friends with. I started saying no to most social
invitations, including those with good friends where I
felt it wouldn't be quality time. So I'd go have tea
with a good friend, but wouldn't go to a birthday
party of a friend's friend.
I never really thought about what the effects of this
would be. It wasn't a calculated choice-- it was just
a quick reaction to feeling like I was neglecting my
best friends.

What happened, though, was really remarkable. I

didn't miss any of the social events I was now
skipping. I'd feel a slight fear of missing out when I
declined, but then when it was over, I was always
really happy with how I used my time instead. But I
expected that.

The surprise was what happened with existing

friendships. By focusing all of my social time on my
favorite people, my relationships with them
improved. And the new friends who I kept seeing
became better and better friends quickly.

Focus is such a powerful tool in learning and work,

but we underestimate its benefit socially. By
focusing my limited time on the people that matter
most to me, those friendships become and stay
very strong. And my social time is better than ever,
because all of it is with my favorite people or new
people I'm excited to get to know.

It can be scary and counterintuitive, when trying to

improve your social skills, to
say no to invitations or to trim down your roster of
friends, but the focus makes it worth it. The goal
isn't to have a million friends, it's to have a close
group of amazing friends.
Different Types of Friendships

While it's always a good thing to have a local friend

group that you cultivate and build, that doesn't mean
that that's the only type of friendship worth having or
putting effort into. In particular, you can have very
deep and satisfying friendships even if you don't see
the other person very often. You'd prefer to have the
best people live right near you and be able to hang
out in person whenever you're available, but that's
not always possible. The “right person” part is the
important part, though, and it's worth investing in
people even if the logistics aren't great.

For example, I have some friends in Austin who I

love to death but only get to see once or twice per
year. We don't talk much on the phone or online
when I'm not there, but as soon as I land in Austin,
it's like I never left. Sure, I'd rather that they live near
me and travel with me a lot, but even though they
don't, they're still close and valued friends.

I have a lot of friends who travel so much that we're

always in flux. They'll come visit Las Vegas, but I
won't be home, and then I'll be in New York, and
they're off traveling somewhere else. But every year
or so we happen to be in some random country at
the same time, and we get to reconnect.

Some friendships will be based on lots of time

together, others on lots of conversations on the
phone, and some just based on a few intense
episodes together over the years.

And you never know when people, including

yourself, will move. Life is unpredictable for all of
us. So even if you meet someone while traveling
and don't know if or when you'll ever see them
again, it's worth pursuing the friendship. Do that
enough times and you'll have the odds on your side
for serendipitously reconnecting with them in the
future.
On Not Being Intimidated

Sometimes you'll meet someone, or be trying to

meet someone, who is intimidating. They seem so
accomplished and funny and smart that you begin to
question whether what you have to offer stacks up at
all with what they have to offer.

There are two common approaches to this problem,

neither of which works very well.

The first is to come in low. You act like a fan, ask a

ton of questions to get a dialogue going, and then
wait for an invitation of some sort. By doing this, you
communicate low value and push the other person
away. He'll be polite to you, but will almost
immediately rule out friendship. Not feeling like you
have enough to offer becomes a self-fulfilling
prophecy.

The second way is to come in high. You don't

acknowledge the other person's accomplishments
and you compensate for your perceived lack of
status by trying to impress. This always rings hollow,
makes you seem inauthentic, and will also push the
other person away.
So what can you do?

The first thing to realize is that you just have to bring

one thing, plus good social skills, to the table for
someone to be interested in being your friend. Good
social skills ensure that you don't impose on the
other person, and one major positive source of
value is enough to make someone want to be your
friend. Even the most sought after people like to
have someone around who's funny, or tells good
stories, or organizes cool events.

And no one is as good as their image suggests.

Everyone has their weaknesses and insecurities.
So even if someone seems like they're perfect, you
can safely assume that they're not. They're probably
an impressive person with a lot going for them, but
no one is better than you in every way. You always
have something to offer.

Treat everyone as an equal, not because they are,

but because they can be. People will often take on
roles foisted upon them in social situations, and
everyone is used to having peers around. If you act
like a peer, you will usually
be treated like one.

In a situation where the other person is probably

very selective in whom they hang out with, usually
because of time constraints, think about what it is
you have to offer that will appeal to them, and
convey it as early as possible. That means that
instead of allowing them to talk, if they prefer to talk
than to listen, you make an effort to tell your stories
to establish what makes you unique.

If they're in a setting where other people are coming

in low and high, versus a setting amongst their
established peers, you should also be inclined to
joke around more. This will allow you to stand out
even more, since others will be too intimidated to
joke around. Besides demonstrating intelligence,
joking around also demonstrates comfort, something
that is possibly in short supply in that situation.
Remember Names

My friend Todd used to have a small text file on his

phone. Every time he met anyone, and I mean
anyone, he would write down their name and a few
little details about them. So if he checked out at the
supermarket and exchanged more than a “Hello,
plastic please...”, he'd write down the cashier's name
and a couple things about her that got brought up.

Most of the time he'd never run into that person

again, and he'd just have another name in his file.
But every time he would go into a store or a party,
he'd look at his list and quickly refresh his memory
on people's names. Over time he'd have more hits,
and would be able to greet people by name and
maybe ask them about something they'd mentioned
the time before.

I'm not sure there was a more liked person in all of

Austin, Texas. Every restaurant we'd go to, he'd be
saying hi to people by name, they'd remember his
name, and just be so happy to see him. Some of
those people ended up becoming his friends, too.

It's sort of silly, when you think about it. Your name
is the least interesting part of who you are, and yet
it's disproportionately flattering when someone
remembers it. So, even if it seems a little bit trivial,
the act of remembering people's names is
important.

The problem is that when you first meet someone,

you are being bombarded by interesting information
about them. You are making inferences from their
appearance, listening to what they have to say,
sizing them up, and trying to understand the
interpersonal dynamics at play. With all of that going
on, you hear their name and then immediately forget
it.

There are memory tricks to remember names, but

there's also a simpler solution. A minute or two into
the conversation, just ask for their name again. No
one is ever offended, because most people are bad
at remembering names, and those that aren't know
how rare a skill they have. In fact, most people are
a little bit flattered-- you're indicating that they've
reached a threshold of importance to you where you
need to know their name.

Most of the time you'll then remember their name

forever. Once you have the context of knowing them
a little bit as a person, their name will be a lot stickier
and remembering it will no longer be a struggle.
You can also use Todd's trick and just write it down
with a little bit of background information every
time. It's a minor hassle that pays large dividends.
Start With Your Family

Family is really important to my mother. It's important

to everyone in my family, but I get the impression it's
not just her number one priority in life, but the one
that she thinks about most of the time. I remember
once we were talking about my siblings, and she
made an offhand comment that they were
potentially the most important relationships in my
life. After all, they were the people I'd know for the
longest and have the most context with.

She was right, and it really made me think

differently about my siblings. We were always close
and got along really well, but I decided to be a little
bit more proactive about seeing them and spending
time with them.

I spend a lot of time with my family, both immediate

and extended. I reflect a lot on our relationships, and
I'm always struck by the bond we have. Some of us
would be friends if we weren't related, some of us
would probably be too different, but our common
familial bond covers a lot of that distance.

It's a shortcut. Creating a close relationship with a

family member takes a fraction of the effort it would
take to create a relationship with an acquaintance.
You're already on the same team, and there are a
lot of forces working in unison to build a friendship
between the two of you.

And familial relationships can be some of the most

rewarding. The benefit I've received over the years
from my siblings, parents, aunts and uncles,
cousins, and grandparents is huge. Even more than
friends, they give a sense of belonging and
unconditional love.

So it's easiest to create friendships with family

members, and often more rewarding than other
types of friendships. If you have trouble making
friends or are looking for a comfortable place to
practice your social skills, start with your family.
They're rooting for you already, and will be a part of
your life as long as anyone will be.
Focus on Friends, Eliminate Acquaintances

To simplify, let's say that there are three groups into

which you could slot people you know. On the
outside are acquaintances, next are friends, and in
the center are close friends.

Acquaintances could be defined as people you'd

only hang out with one-on-one if it were extremely
convenient. Most of your interactions are probably
in group settings, you only end up having a one-on-
one conversation by accident, and you'd never
invite the other to something alone.

Friends are people you hang out with when

convenient, maybe through shared interests. You
don't connect on a deep emotional level, but maybe
you really enjoy playing tennis together. You'll have
meals together sometimes, but you wouldn't change
your plans for them.

Close friends are the people you love. They're the

people for whom you'd act against your best
interests if the benefit to them was significant.
They're the people whose success feels almost as
good as your own, and with whom you can spend
almost any length of time.
The value you exchange with an acquaintance is
minimal. A trifle of entertainment, a conversational
partner when you're desperate for one, maybe a
positive memory or two. Your limited power to
benefit them is on par with their limited power to
benefit you.

On the other end of the scale are close friends. The

value exchanged between two close friends is
enormous. In fact, many studies show that people
with more close ties to others live longer. There are
a few major factors that will define who you are, and
close friendships are one of the big ones.

The thing that people don't often think about,

though, is that an hour spent with acquaintances
costs the same as an hour spent with good friends.
Sixty minutes either way, one hour with
tremendous power behind it, and the other
promising nothing beyond the superficial.

When examined through this lens, spending time

with acquaintances is often a poor use of time. The
alternative is simply too positive to ignore. That's
not to say that you can't make the best of that time
and help others have a good time,
just that there's a high cost to it.

Just as every tree begins as a seed, every close

friendship begins as an acquaintance. Spending
time with acquaintances who might become close
friends someday is a very good use of time. The trap
that people fall into is when they hang out with
acquaintances and friends with whom they'll never
have a deeper relationship. Sometimes they do it
out of loneliness, other times for superficial fun.
Those are trade-offs that can be made, but it's
important to know the cost.

Think very carefully about how you spend your

social time. I'd say that one of the biggest indicators
into how good someone's friend group is going to be
in a few years is how high of a percentage of that
time is spent with either close friends or people with
clear potential to become close friends.

When you have friends or acquaintances with whom

you don't want a closer friendship, or who don't want
a closer friendship with you, it's best to cease all
effort to spend time with them. That doesn't mean
not to be friendly and kind to them, just to make the
best use of your time as well as theirs.
Treat Everyone Well

When I speak about cutting out acquaintances and

being protective about how you spend your social
time, it can come across as being cold and hostile.
That's not the intention, though, and it's not how it
translates in real life. As an inviolable rule, I believe
in treating everyone well.

You have incomplete control over how you spend

your time. You can try to maximize the time spent
with good friends and people moving towards
becoming good friends, but sometimes you'll be at a
party with a different crowd than you'd choose, or
you'll be in a line in the airport with people you didn't
choose at all.

You completely control how you treat other people,

unlike how you control your time. In any given
situation, you have complete agency to be friendly
or unfriendly, cold or warm.

When you decide to treat someone well, you are

creating goodwill and positive emotions out of
nothing. Sometimes the effects of your manner will
be small, but other times they'll have a huge
impact on another person. You just never know,
and there's a lot of variance.

While you may have a good idea how a close friend

is feeling, you'll generally have less of an idea how
an acquaintance or stranger feels. They could be
feeling great, and you being a little bit short could
throw them into a bad mood. Or maybe they're
already in a bad mood and you being unnecessarily
kind to them helps cheer them up.

You also benefit from treating people well.

Friendships start in unexpected places, and treating
someone well who gave you a bad first impression
could lead to you getting to knowing them better and
changing your opinion of them. Being kind to people
feels good to you and them.

Treating people well is a no-brainer. It takes very

little effort, benefits everyone, and could lead to new
friendships. The reasons for not doing it, like
generating a feeling of superiority or not wanting to
waste a few seconds, don't hold up against the
benefits. Be selective about in whom you invest
time and become friends with, but treat everyone
else like friends as much as possible.
Choose Friends Because You Love Them

I got an introduction to a guy who was really big in

the tech industry, the industry I was in at the time.
We chatted for a while, and then hung out a few
times after that. We always had a good time joking
around and talking about tech.

After hanging out a few times, I could tell that we

were just never going to become close friends. Lots
of mutual respect, but just different priorities,
interests, and lifestyles. So I stopped making an
effort to hang out, and we haven't seen each other
since.

A huge part of me wanted to continue to be friends

with him, just because of who he was. I felt really
cool being associated with him, and I couldn't help
but think that my startup might have an advantage if I
just forced a friendship.

But it didn't feel like a very genuine thing to do,

especially when I realized that I probably wouldn't
have made an effort to be friends with him if he
wasn't who he was.

In the time I would have spent with him, and other

superficial friendships, I met new people who I
really connected with. Having such good
friendships, I'm glad I realized the difference
between making friends and making connections.

It's great when you meet someone who is

interesting and accomplished and impressive. If you
click, and become good friends with them, that's a
good thing for both people. But when you try to force
a friendship because you want something from
them, you're building a house on a rocky foundation.
You may derive some benefit from the association,
but it's dishonest and it takes time and focus away
from real friendships you could create.

Choose friends not because of what they can do for

you, but because you love who they are.
Know What You're Looking For

Most people passively wait for friendships to

spontaneously sprout, even though being proactive
about the process is a lot more effective. Even
when you're actively engaging with the process,
though, it takes time and effort. Anything you can do
to make the process efficient will improve your
results.

One such thing is knowing what it is you like in a

friend. Even if you have a broad range of friends,
there are probably a few key attributes that they
share. Once you know those attributes, you can
make it a priority to look for them in new people you
meet, and then follow up with the people who have
them.

I have a wide range of friends. Some travel all the

time, some stay in one place. A bunch are in tech,
but one is an acupuncturist, one is a cage fighter,
and another makes pies. Some are republican,
some are democrat. They live in all different places
in the world.

One day I challenged myself to figure out what it

was that I liked in common in all my friends.
Although they were different in a lot of ways, it felt
as though there was some intangible similarity
shared by all of them. After a lot of thinking, I
realized that nearly every one was someone who
was smart, ambitious, and extremely kind.

Those sound like generic positive attributes, but a

lot of the most ambitious people aren't all that kind.
Maybe they're nice, but, to me at least, being kind
means something more significant.

Knowing what my friends had in common turned out

to be more practical knowledge than I had
expected. Having discovered what my filter was, I
was constantly evaluating people to determine how
kind, smart, and ambitious they were. Instead of
finding these things out in a roundabout fashion
over a few hours, I'd focus early on those few
attributes.

It also made it easier for me to spend my time with

people. When deciding between work or hanging
out with a new acquaintance, I'd err strongly on the
side of hanging out with them if they were smart,
ambitious, and kind.

If you know what you're looking for, you can also

make structural changes to your life. What city has
those sorts of people? A friend of mine was having
trouble making really good friends in LA, but when
we figured out what her favorite people had in
common, I told her that she had to move to San
Francisco. It was where “her people” are. She
moved and is now part of an amazing friend group
and is happier than she's been in years.

You can also think about what a person who

matches your description would want in a friend. Are
you that person? If not, maybe that's a hint that you
need to shift your direction a little bit. For example,
I'm trying to focus on being more kind, because kind
people like other kind people.

And you can think about where in your city your

type of people hang out. Everywhere will have a
range of people, but I think some fair general
statements can be made on the people who hang
out in coffee shops, nightclubs, bookstores, and
parks.

It's a fun exercise, thinking about what your favorite

people have in common. If you feel like you don't
mesh well with your current friends, think about what
the people whom you admire most and would like to
be friends with have in common. Once you know,
filter new acquaintances through those criteria and
adjust your effort accordingly.
Do What You Say, Be Honest, Be On Time

Part of building your social circle is finding ways to

stand out in positive ways. People who don't get
noticed are never disliked or hated, but they also
aren't sought out. Not standing out also makes
receiving introductions less likely. An introducer
should be able to say something like, “You've got to
meet Mary. She's really insightful and always asks
questions that lead to interesting conversations.”

One easy way too stand out is to find positive

attributes that most people don't have and then
build them. These get noticed and appreciated, and
one way to measure the strength of a friend group
is the breadth of positive attributes contained within
it. Three undervalued positive attributes are doing
what you say, being honest, and being on time.
There are many others, but these are three that you
can begin immediately and will never go unnoticed.
Doing What You Say

Have you ever met up with someone and, during

the course of a long conversation, come up with a
few things that you were going to follow up on?
Maybe you were going to give him a book
recommendation, he was going to send you a link
to something, and you were going to put him in
touch with someone. And then it just doesn't
happen. You sort of knew it wouldn't happen in the
moment, but you never get an email from him and
you keep putting off your follow-ups until they're so
embarrassingly late that you decide to bail on
them.

You won't make enemies doing that, but it's a huge

opportunity to pass up. Almost no one actually
expects that people will follow up without prompting,
so if you're the one person who does, you'll stand
out in people's minds forever.
Every time someone actually follows through, I
remember it for a really long time.

Be extremely vigilant about when you tell someone

that you're going to do something. Make it a
personal goal to follow up as soon as possible and to
never fail to do it. It's best to write it down on your
phone when you make the promise, but if you don't
do that, ask yourself after every social interaction
whether you made any commitments that need to
be acted upon.
Be Really Honest

You don't have to be a liar to not be honest all of

the time. Most people have good intentions and
want to positively affect other people, but that very
desire prevents them from being honest. They tell
someone that their new business idea is great when
it's actually a disaster waiting to happen, they say
that they like something to fit in, or they hold back
an opinion to avoid ruffling feathers.

I won't argue that there isn't a time and place for

each of these things, but most people are dishonest
in these ways far more often than is appropriate.

Honesty is refreshing. Most people can handle it

and appreciate it when it comes, but the majority
only receive it from their closest friends.

If you can be honest early in a friendship, you're

bringing a lot of value. Maybe that guy needs to hear
that his business idea is bad, and your telling him so
will help him refine it into something better or use
his time doing something more likely to succeed.
Maybe by being the brave one to say that you don't
want to do something, you're giving a voice to shy
people in the group who don't mind agreeing with
you, but didn't want the spotlight on them for
dissenting. And maybe bringing up an unpopular
opinion will spark an interesting debate, rather than
more talk about the weather.

If you are consistently honest, even at the risk of

inviting disagreement, your friends can trust
everything you say, including the good things.
Compliments mean more from people who don't
give them out unless they're actually true.

Honesty takes bravery because it makes you

vulnerable to criticism from others. White lies and
careful omissions are a shield. But people respect
and want to be friends with honest and brave
people.
Being On Time

A special case of doing what you say is being on

time. Most people aren't usually grossly late to
appointments, but five or fifteen minutes late here
and there is often the default. Although you can get
away with this, you will be noticed and appreciated
if you switch to always being on time.

Being on time also shows a tremendous amount of

respect, especially in groups. It says that my
convenience isn't more important than minutes of
your day. If I'm ten minutes late to a group event
that has six other people, I've gained ten minutes of
time at the cost of an hour for my friends. I wouldn't
take sixty dollars from my friends to make ten
dollars, so why would I do it with minutes?

A side benefit of always being on time is that it can

influence everyone else to be prompt as well. When
they know that you'll definitely be waiting if they
show up late, it means more to them and they make
the effort to be on time. One of my friends told me
that whenever I'm in town, everyone is a lot more
prompt because they know that I'm also prompt. So
it benefits everyone-- my friends have less wasted
time, as do I.
Goals of a Friend Group

Before we delve into the mechanics of building a

friend group, it's important to understand what the
purpose of this group is. After all, it would be
difficult to build a machine without having a clear
idea of what the machine was supposed to do once
completed.

The primary goal of a friend group is to create a

group of people, all of whose lives are
disproportionately improved by being a part of the
group. If someone can put X units of effort into the
group and only gets X units of enjoyment back out,
he's not really benefiting from the friend group.

Too often people think about what people can do for

them, but they don't think about the balancing part of
that formula. They think about how much fun they'd
have if they were part of a circle, not the fun they
could bring to that circle. But that group won't be
sustainable, or at least you won't remain a part of it,
unless everyone benefits significantly.

A friend group should be a group of people who will

be honest with each other when they need it. If
you're dating someone who isn't a good match for
you, it's your friend group who should be the ones
to do the difficult job of letting you know it's time to
look for someone else.

A friend group should be a default group of people to

do activities with. If you find an event or class that
you want to go to, you should have a reasonable
expectation of finding someone within your group to
do those things with.

A friend group should be an emotional support

system. While effort should be made to keep the
atmosphere of the group fun and positive, it's
inevitable that each member will go through peaks
and valleys throughout their life. Your closest
friends are the ones who you should rely on for
support in those times.

A friend group should be small enough that each

person can have a relationship with every other
one. It's fun to be part of a larger social circle, but
the group of friends that you work towards building
should be small enough that each member can
have a meaningful relationship with every other
member on an individual basis. Not every pair will
be good enough friends to seek out the other's
company individually, but many will. Relationships
grow differently one- on-one, and having a lot of one-
on-one relationships bloom under the umbrella
of your friend group makes it much stronger.

A friend group should be able to provide perspective

and advice to each other. The best advice comes
from two sources: people who know the subject
really well and people who know you really well.
Ideally you'd have both in one person, but if you
don't, a varied group of people who know you well
enough to satisfy the latter can be very powerful.
Coupled with the honesty mentioned above, your
friend group will end up shaping the course of your
life.

To build a friend group with these specific

components is to build an extremely valuable asset
for yourself and for your friends. It can be
composed of friends you already have, all new
people, or a mix of both.

As time goes on, relationships deepen and people

get to know each other better, the friend group
becomes even more valuable for everyone involved.
If you don't already have a friend group that you
love, building one may be the best possible use of
your time. The approach I prescribe takes a lot of
effort and requires you to assume much of the
responsibility, but that's because it's worth it to
expend those resources to build something so
great.
Being a Leader of Friends

Being a leader isn't a title or something to brag

about, it's about serving your friends. Within your
friend group, one or more people will have to take
leadership roles. You should make the effort to be
one of the leaders, because it allows you to bring
more value to your group. If there are other
leaders, you work in harmony with them, never
struggling for power, which causes damage to the
group. Leaders of friend groups aren't voted in, they
just take power and use it benevolently.

A leader has one main function: to further the

interests of the group.

Furthering the interests of the group comes in many

flavors. The basic building block of furthering
interests is creating opportunities for the group to
spend time together and to bond. That could be
inviting everyone to play boardgames at your
house, planning parties, setting up a weekly
tradition, organizing trips, or anything else that
brings people together.

You can also bring new interests to the group. I've

gotten a bunch of people in my group interested in
MMA fighting and the party game, Werewolf.
Another friend of mine is really into tea and has
converted a bunch of us into tea fanatics. One
person can do the exploratory work, find something
that would be interesting to everyone, and then
teach them about it easily because he knows
everyone well.

A friend-of-a-friend of mine bought a bunch of land

in upstate New York and built his own version of a
summer camp. His friends help him build and
maintain it, and now his whole group of friends has
a great retreat that they can use. I got to go there for
New Years one year and was really in awe of how
much he had furthered the interests of his friends by
creating such a place.

There are a million different things that you can do

for your friends. The general formula is to find
something that will multiply your own efforts to
benefit all of your friends. This is also why fighting
for leadership in a group is counterproductive.
Having multiple leaders all working to further the
interests of the group benefits everybody.
Create Events

Every event that you and your friends do as a

group, on average, will bring you closer together.
Whether it's a trip, dinner together, a weekly get-
together, or a hike through the woods, each event is
like making a deposit in your friend group bank. In
any given group, everyone will be willing to go to
these events, but only one or a few people are likely
to be the driving force making them happen.

You should become one of those people. Your

overriding thought in any friend group that you're in
should be to ask yourself what you can do to be of
service to these people. Anything you do for the
group makes the group stronger, and makes it
better for everyone, including yourself. It's always
worth the time to create the events, because that
ensures that they happen.

Don't stress too much about what the events are.

They don't need to be run perfectly, or even go all
that well. The role of the person setting up the
events is to be the spark that sets people in motion.
You'll forget what you ate or where you walked, but
you'll remember the conversations that took place
and the bonds that deepened.
Every group will have people who rely on others to
set up activities for the group, and the group can
sustain some number of those people without any
problems. But since you've decided to be proactive
and take responsibility for your social life, you
should do the same for the events that your group
goes to. And if you're more reserved, maybe your
action will push your reserved friends to take a more
active role in the group as well.

This is doubly true if you feel like you don't get

invited to as many things as other people you know.
If you become the one doing the inviting, you induce
others to reciprocate, and you make it obvious that
you're interested in socializing with the group.
Be a Better Friend Than You Have to Be

If there's one area in social skills that is notoriously

difficult, it's building an accurate level of self-
awareness. Part of what makes it difficult is that you
can never be self-aware enough to truly know how
self-aware you are. In an ideal situation, you'd be
able to gauge the reactions to everything you do,
and you'd know both what your strengths and
weaknesses are, and the magnitude of each. In
reality, even with practice, you'll have only a fuzzy
concept of each.

The problem is that your weaknesses will be far

more difficult to discover than your strengths. No
one thinks that they have a bad sense of humor,
talks too much, makes others uncomfortable, has a
tendency to be boring, or is needy. But we all know
people who are each of these things, and they're
oblivious to it.

It's really hard to give harsh feedback to people

along these lines, because these deficiencies feel
so core to our being. They're actually not-- they can
all be worked on and improved, but hearing them
from a friend feels like a real blow. So we don't tell
each other and we just deal with it.
Hard as it may be for either of us to believe, you and
I probably both have weaknesses that grate on our
friends, and we may never discover them.

Because of this, it's critical to be a better friend than

you think you have to be. It's nice to say that we
should all be the best friends we could possibly be,
but there are real world constraints. You can only
reach out to so many people per day. You can only
do favors for so many people. You can only set up
so many events. You only have so many hours in
which you can listen to a friend's problems and try
to work through them.

And so we compromise and we keep a fuzzy

running tally. If I go to three cool events that a
friend puts on, I know that I should really be doing
something nice to reciprocate, and I'll shift my
schedule to do that. Not because my friend
requires it, but because it's the right thing to do and
I want to be at least as good a friend to anyone as
they are to me.

I'm likely pretty aware of every good thing I do for a

friend, but I'm not aware of my hidden flaws that
probably make me a slightly worse friend than I'd
like to be. So I set the bar higher than it has to be
and try to be a better friend than is necessary. At
worst, I'm keeping pace and being a valuable friend,
and at best
I'm going over the top to be a really good friend. In
either case, I avoid being a drag or someone who
is maybe worth being friends with but comes with
some baggage.
Maintaining Harmony

Harmony within groups of people is lack of friction.

The more you can have everyone on the same
page, the smoother things will go and the more time
can be spent on high quality social activities.
Friction comes in the form of bickering, indecision,
pointless arguing, or personality clashes.

As a leader within your group, one of your

responsibilities is to maintain harmony, even if you
have to bear the cost of it. It's important to remember
that you can bear responsibility for something even
if it's not your own fault. You may not get overt credit
for it, but your group will notice that things run better
when you're around, and that goodwill will flow back
to you.

Your primary tool in maintaining harmony is using

awareness with social skills to see three steps
ahead, identify pitfalls, and steer the conversation
in a more positive direction.

Imagine that you're at a party, and three of your

friends, Alice, Bob, and Charlie are talking. Alice
and Bob are having a great time, but Charlie is
getting bored and impatient. That's not a huge deal
by itself, but you've noticed this happening a lot and
you think that Charlie isn't feeling like he's a valued
part of the group. You could go over and begin
talking with him, asking him a lot of questions to
communicate that he is a valued member of the
group. Maybe you'd mention something he
organized for the group last year and ask if he was
thinking about doing it again this year.

Or imagine that two friends have been bickering the

last few times you saw them, and now they're just
avoiding each other. You're worried that they've
given up trying to resolve things between
themselves and are going to create a rift in the
group. You might make a point of spending one-on-
one time with each of them, asking what's going on,
empathizing, and trying to come up with ideas to
resolve the conflict.
Appreciating Your Friends

You know that feeling when you get a new phone?

It's so shiny and small and fast. Everything looks
great on it and it's a pleasure to use. You buy a
case and a screen protector, and you're quite sure
you'll never drop it or scuff it up. Never put it in the
same pocket as your keys, like you did with your
old phone. You look at your old phone and you
can't stand to use it for another day.

We have an amazing capacity to become

accustomed to what we have and to take it for
granted. This happens with our personal
possessions, but it also happens to less material
things like the city we live in, and even our friends.

Your phone doesn't care how you treat it. Drop it,
scratch it, scuff it up, and it will continue to work for
you as best it can. That's not how relationships
work, though. The more you appreciate and respect
your friends, the better the relationship will work in
general. John Gottman, a researcher at the
University of Washington, studies couples to figure
out what causes divorce. The biggest factor is
contempt, which sounds a lot like the opposite of
appreciation.
Appreciation isn't a passive process, a binary flag
where you either appreciate your friends or you
don't. It's an active process, one that calibrates your
mind to subconsciously treat your friends really well.

Take a minute now and think about your friends.

Think about your friend group, your friends with
whom you're slowly becoming even better friends,
and even your old best friends with whom you don't
talk anymore. Think about how they've impacted
your life, how different things would be if you didn't
have them. Think about the experiences shared, the
conversations had, and the places you've been
together.

Whenever you think things aren't running smoothly

with your friends, when you're stressed out, or even
when you're just waiting in line at the post office,
repeat this exercise. If you really think about it, your
friends are probably one of the most important
factors in your life. That deserves some
appreciation.
Putting it Together

Reading about strategies for improving social skills,

making friends, and building friend groups, is an
important and valuable thing to do. However, this is
only half the battle at best. To actually reap the
benefits from the seeds sowed in this book, you
have to get out there and practice them.

Your first step should be to choose one or two

important areas that you can practice with existing
friends and family members, and focus on those. If
nothing in particular jumped out at you, storytelling
and becoming more aware of your social flaws
would be a good starting point.

Strive for mastery on these fronts. There's no reason

you can't become one of the top one percent of
storytellers in the world. It's just a skill, and it's one
that very few people actively practice. We all have
our social deficiencies, but plenty of people have
chiseled away at them to the point of having so few
that they're not even noticeable.

As you work on these skills, remember what is at

stake. Developing better social skills will strengthen
your existing friendships and relationships with your
family members, build new ones, allow you to get
along better with strangers and acquaintances, and
fill you with a confidence you may not have
experienced before. The reward is high, so hard
work can be easily justified.

Once you feel like you're almost always a net

addition to groups that you join, and that your
glaring social weaknesses have been eliminated,
turn your focus to your social circle. Are there
people with whom you regularly spend time whose
presence isn't a positive one in your life? Maybe it's
time to let them find friends better suited to them.
Who are the people with whom you spend the most
time, and how can you help build a cohesive friend
group?

Although you can begin to make immediate

improvements, the complete process of socially
reinventing yourself and rebuilding your social skills
could take a while, maybe years. Amongst people I
know who have done this, though, the consensus is
unanimous: the time spent is worth it, and is
possibly the best investment of time you can make.