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 “Your personal
boundaries
protect the inner
core of your
identity and your
right to choices.”
- Gerard Manley Hopkins
Does any of this You are overwhelmed with life and you
need more space.

feel familiar? You love (most of) the people in your life,
but there are some who seem to weigh your
spirits down when you spend too much
time with them.

Your work is rewarding but recently you

are feeling exhausted and getting frustrated
with your boss or a co-workers, and that's
starting to worry you.

You tried to set some new boundaries,

because you know that it’s important… but
nothing seems to helping thus far.

With your family, you may have told your

mom that you need her to stop being so
judgmental. You've begged her to be more
understanding when you just can’t do what
she asks of you, but it hasn't helped. It
seems like you are expending way too much
energy trying to make her (or whoever else
it may be) understand your boundaries, and
you're spinning in circles.

You set boundaries with your partner

because you are feeling resentful of their
lack of communication, but trying to fix it
has just been causing more fights.

You thought you had mastered boundaries

until a whole new slew of challenges came
flooding in.

You are fed up.

I would love to tell you that I have some

pixie dust in my pocket and that with a
wave of my wand I can make boundary
setting magically become second nature for
you, but unfortunately, boundaries only
work when you work them.

I do however have words of strength and

comfort that can help a little bit…
We have all overstepped boundaries at some We have each had moments in which we

point in our lives and we have all tried and decided to swallow our rage, keep quiet, end a

failed to set boundaries. friendship, sever ties with loved ones and

withdraw from the world...

We have all dished out hurtfulness at some
point and we have also been hurt. See… I told you, we are all human!

We have all taken what we thought was the This recognition helps us to treat ourselves

high road when, in retrospect, it would have with kindness as we attempt to navigate our

been better for everyone had we stood our most precious relationships.
ground.
It also helps us to not take other people's need

We have all pushed and nagged to get what we for space, time or autonomy personally. We are

want until others give in and we have all given all doing our best to live and thrive in this

in to relentless nagging. world and we all have different life experiences,

families and nature that impact the way we

We each have a wide array of experiences with react toward and interact with others.
boundary setting with all of the ups and downs
that go with it. Boundaries are not meant to build walls or

punish people. They are not meant to isolate

Sometimes we feel like we are totally in control you from those you love.
and sometimes we don’t.
Boundaries are the foundation blocks of any

We have each experienced resentment and felt healthy relationship, meant to enhance and

our self-respect fly out the window, just as deepen your bonds with others.
others have felt resentment toward us.
Yes, boundaries are there to bring more (and

right kind of) love in!

Practically speaking,
boundaries can help you…
Practice self-care
Recognize that your needs and experiences
Maintain self-respect
are different from others (which supports
Build up stronger emotional health
the cultivation of empathy and
Develop your identity
compassion)
Avoid burnout
Differentiate (Separate your needs,
Communicate your needs in any type of
thoughts, feelings, and desires from others)
relationship
Feel empowered with an ability to make
Show loved ones how much you value
healthy and responsible decisions for
them (time and space can be set aside
yourself
exclusively for them
Avoid having to take extreme measures
Define limitations, expectations and
like completely closing yourself off from
parameters of specific relationships
someone in order to feel safe (obviously
Pace yourself in new relationships
there will be times that cutting ties is
Build gradual trust (so you don’t get hurt
needed)
as easily)
Recognize and express your needs and
Minimize hurt feelings
wants
Protect your spiritual, physical and
Learn that you are not responsible for
emotional space
others’ happiness
Maintain a sense of autonomy and
Strengthen your pride in who you are and
strength
how far you have come
Protects relationships from becoming
Separate how you feel about yourself from
too overbearing
how others treat you
Navigate relationships (ie. shared
Take your power back (no longer allow
responsibility, identify sensitivities)
others to make decisions for you)
Strengthen your core self
Feel better about having to compromise
Avoid unnecessary drama
(since you are no longer resentful that you
Become more accepting when other
ALWAYS need to be the one who gives in)
people say no to us
Take responsibility for your own mistakes
Confidently and truthfully say yes or no
to others without guilt
Signs You Might Need to
Work on Your Boundaries
Your feelings don’t match your current circumstances
You feel other people’s pain deeply and feel responsible for their emotions
You experience sudden shifts in body sensations for an unknown reason
You have lost your certainty about a core truth that you firmly believe in
You don't stand up for yourself, even when you are being treated badly
You often feel under-appreciated and taken for granted
You have a hard time saying no or taking time for yourself
You give to others at your own expense and the expense of your dependents
You seem to attract unhealthy, one-sided relationships
You believe that there is something noble about putting others needs before yours
You work longer hours than you are supposed to without compensation
You tend to overshare (TMI) or share too much too soon
You trust people way too easily, well before they have earned it
You tend to close yourself off from people you care about
You have a hard time expressing your needs and desires
You let your fear of judgment or disappointing others hold you back from trying
Your self-energy is not very strong (your "parts" are in charge most of the time)
You have a constant need for validation and reassurance
You are insulted or hurt when someone needs space from you
Your self worth is determined by other people’s opinions
You allow yourself to be treated poorly because it seems easier than any alternative
You allow others to make decisions for you even though it’s not what you want
It’s easier to give in than to negotiate or compromise (you say sorry when you aren't)
When you say what you want, it is not very clear
You feel powerless and unable to take responsibility for your own life
You feel like you are going to throw up and be sick when someone is mad at you
You flip back and forth between ghosting someone and being in constant contact
You don’t take no for an answer

© 2022 Esther Goldstein | www.integrativepsych.co | Do not duplicate without express permission

 Signs That Your
Boundaries are Solid
You have a strong self-energy and self-respect
You share personal information gradually, when trust has been earned
You are able to protect your emotional space from intrusion
You will unapologetically step back when you are uncomfortable with a close talker
You can say that you don’t want to be touched and make sure it happens
You respectfully maintain equality in relationships (shared responsibility and power)
You can be assertive when needed and don’t feel shame for needing space
You keep confidential information private
You can confidently and truthfully say yes or no when asked for something
You are respectful and understanding when other people say no to you
You are able to separate your own emotions from the emotions of others
You can identify your needs clearly and can make sure they are met
You can make choices that others don’t like without getting frazzled
You are aware of your values and can make choices based on them
You can draw clear lines about how you will allow yourself to be treated
You do not feel guilty when you have to disappoint people or prioritize yourself
You don't allow people to manipulate you into anything that's not right for you
You can say no to intimacy when it feels uncomfortable
When someone crosses a line, you know it, and can clearly articulate why
You stay away from getting involved in family drama
You can focus on your nuclear family without constantly being pulled away
You are comfortable with discomfort
You are aware of negative energy around you and allow it to guide your boundaries
You don’t intrude on other people’s personal conversations (respect privacy)
You have compassion for those who are suffering rather than judgement
You show respect for others by clearly communicating with them
You will pay a fair price for goods and services without pressuring the seller to earn
less than they should
.
You have respect for other people’s time (arrive to appointments on time, call back
when you say you will, focus on what people are saying when they talk to you)

© 2022 Esther Goldstein | www.integrativepsych.co | Do not duplicate without express permission

 So... Your Boundaries
Need a Bit of Work...
If you noticed from the checklists that your boundaries could use a bit of strengthening,
take the following practical steps (and use the following page to make notes):

DEFINE
1 What is bothering you exactly? Get to the root of the problem so
you can deal with it more specifically.

SIMPLIFY
2 Identify the very core of the issue so it’s not mixed up with
irrelevant facts or a pile up of other unrelated issues.

PREDICT
3 Predict what the response might be so that you can prepare.
Boundary setting is practical communication and should be
removed from emotions as much as possible. Practice if you
need to.

COMMUNICATE
4 Express clearly to the other person what your new boundaries will
be. Don’t over explain, don't apologize and don't make excuses.

FOLLOW UP
If your boundaries are not being honored, set realistic
5 consequences for next time. Don't feel bad if you need to
implement them. If you don't, the boundaries won't work.

REFLECT
6 Make sure to look back and see what worked and didn't work.
Keeping a journal is really the best way to track progress and to
notice patterns. Either use your own journal or the template on
the next page.

© 2022 Esther Goldstein | www.integrativepsych.co | Do not duplicate without express permission

 So... Your Boundaries
Need a Bit of Work...
If you noticed from the checklists that your boundaries could use a bit of strengthening,
use this page to make a plan:

1
DEFINE

2
SIMPLIFY

3
PREDICT

4
COMMUNICATE

5
FOLLOW
UP

6
REFLECT

© 2022 Esther Goldstein | www.integrativepsych.co | Do not duplicate without express permission

BOUNDARIES
Trouble Shooting
WHEN BOUNDARIES ARE CROSSED
AND YOU CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT

Cheat Sheet
WORDS, TRY THESE;

"What I need in this relationship for us to (insert

specific expectation). I feel like that hasn’t been
happening lately and it makes me feel (insert emotion).

IT'S MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY I value you and the progress we have made together.
Let’s collaboratively come up with a plan to make this
Your idea of boundaries may need some tweaking if you have a
work."
hard time respecting or recognizing the value of the boundaries

that others set. While you have every right to your feelings and

having your needs met, I'd be mindful about imposing the same

standard on others. When boundaries clash, examine your own

DID I APPROACH IT WITH BLAME?
boundaries to ensure you are not putting unhealthy

expectations on your partner. Explain how the behavior has impacted YOU.
Stay away from blaming, shaming and deflecting.

DO YOU KNOW YOUR CORE

VALUES?
WHEN THE CONVERSATION DOESN'T GO QUITE RIGHT...
If you have not yet identified your core

values, you won't know how to set your

Wait until you are calm and then circle back with more clarity
boundaries in a balanced way. We can

only prioritize needs and compromise

“hey neither of us felt good after our last conversation. I wanted to set a
when we know what our core values are. time to try again a bit more respectfully."

When you set boundaries that align with

your integrity and values, you'll have

better results in setting, and sticking to

DID YOU PINPOINT
the limits you set. You'll also create a
THE RIGHT
lifestyle that is in sync with who you are. ARE YOU STUCK IN A PATTERN? BOUNDARY?
Journal & reflect to see where things Sometimes we get so
might be going wrong caught up in being firm on
boundaries that we forget
that it's possible the
IS THIS PARTICULAR BOUNDARY REALLY WORTH boundaries we have
FIGHTING FOR? chosen are not actually all
that healthy. Check in
As our boundaries strengthen we realize that it is possible to with your intentions.
reasonably bend without feeling like we are losing our sense of self. If
we choose to bend when we are in a grounded and healthy state, it can
make the relationship even stronger. When the other person sees that
you are willing to work on it too and its not just about you demanding
them to change they are more likely to communicate and not shut
down. If you choose to compromise, it is important to release the hurt
so you can genuinely move forward without resentment.

© 2022 Esther Goldstein | www.integrativepsych.co | Do not duplicate without express permission

 Boundaries Journal
DATE: ENTRY #:

Wr ite about your e x p e r i e n c e s as y o u a t t e m p t t o s e t a n d m a i n t ain boundaries.

R e c o rd your ob s e r v a t i o n s a b o u t y o u r p r o g r e s s f r o m t h e l a s t t i me you did this

a c t i vity until thi s t i m e ( o r o v e r a l l . )

© 2021 Esther Goldstein | www.integrativepsych.co | Do not duplicate without express permission

 Integrative Psychotherapy
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