Rising Strong Summary
Rising Strong Summary
Rising Strong Summary
of Brené Brown
TM
1
based on the research
of Brené Brown
Introduction
“It is not the critic who counts; not the Sometimes the first step we need to take is to give
ourselves permission.
man who points out how the strong man
stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could
have done them better. The credit belongs
to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat
and blood . . . who at the best knows in the
end the triumph of high achievement, and
who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails
Maybe you need to give yourself permission to:
while daring greatly. . . .” Stay open minded | Be a learner and not a knower
- Theodore Roosevelt Be scared
What brought you here? What support do you need from this group to do
the work?
(1) If we are brave enough (4) We’re wired for story. (7) Comparative suffering is a
often enough, we will fall; this function of fear and scarcity.
is the physics of vulnerability. (5) Creativity embeds
knowledge so that it can (8) You can’t engineer an
(2) Once we fall in the service become practice. We move what emotional, vulnerable, and
of being brave, we can never we’re learning from our heads to courageous process into an
go back. our hearts through our hands. easy, one-size-fits-all formula.
(3) This journey belongs to no (6) Rising strong is the same (9) Courage is contagious.
one but you; however, no one process whether you’re
successfully goes it alone. navigating personal or (10) Rising strong is a
professional struggles. spiritual practice.
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based on the research
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Clarity of Values
LIST OF VALUES
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Values Light The Way
1. 2.
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based on the research
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Act I: The Reckoning
“Story is the big picture. Story is process. Story is research. STORY IS KING.” -Pixar
THE RISING STRONG PROCESS Pick a story of struggle that you want to explore.
The goal of this process is to rise from What was your fall or “face down” moment?
our falls, overcome our mistakes, and
face hurt in a way that brings more
wisdom and wholeheartedness.
THE RECKONING:
WALKING INTO OUR STORY
Recognize emotion, and get curious
about our feelings and how they connect
with the way we think and behave.
THE RUMBLE:
OWNING OUR STORY
Get honest about the stories we are
making up about our struggle, then
challenge these confabulations and
assumptions to determine what’s truth,
what’s self-protection, and what needs
to change if we want to lead more
wholehearted lives.
THE REVOLUTION:
PROCESS BECOMES PRACTICE
Write a new ending to our story based
on the key learnings from our rumble
and use this new, braver story to change “When we deny our stories, they define us;
how we engage with the world and to when we own our stories, we get to write
ultimately transform the way we live,
love, parent, and lead.
the ending.” -Brené Brown
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based on the research
of Brené Brown
Getting Emotionally Hooked”
Using the Story Rumble Glossary, pick four feelings and experiences that you want to explore.
OUR
WHOLEHEARTED
SELF
“The Latin root of the word integrate
is integrare, which means ‘to
make whole.’ Integrating is the
THINKING DOING
engine that moves us through the (COGNITION) (BEHAVIOR)
reckoning, the rumble, and the
revolution, and the goal of each of
these processes is to make ourselves
whole and wholehearted.”
FEELING
(AFFECT)
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based on the research
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Cultivating Curiosity
“To induce curiosity about a particular topic, it may be necessary to ‘prime the pump’ —
to use intriguing information to get folks interested so they become more cur ious.”
- George Loewenstein
The research made it clear that a lot of how much or how little we value emotion comes from what we were
taught or saw as we were growing up. That value usually results from a combination of several
of the seven ideas listed below. Which of the following ring true, and how do they resonate with you?
(1) Being emotional is a sign of vulnerability, and 5) We’re so numb to feeling that there’s nothing
vulnerability is weakness. to discuss.
(2) Don’t ask. Don’t tell. You can feel emotion all
you want, but there’s nothing to be gained by 6) Uncertainty is too uncomfortable.
sharing it with others.
(3) We don’t have access to emotional language (7) Engaging and asking questions invites
or a full emotional vocabulary, so we stay quiet trouble. I’ll learn something I don’t want to or
or make fun of it. shouldn’t know.
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based on the research
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My Reckoning
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
- Brené Brown
Your fall or face down moment: What emotions/experiences were you or are you
willing to get curious about?
How did you know you were emotionally hooked? What permission did you or do you need to give
yourself?
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based on the research
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Offloading Hurt: Barriers to Reckoning with Emotion
Offloading describes the various (unproductive) ways that we “manage”
or discharge emotion when we are trying to avoid feeling it.
A seemingly innocent Anger: It’s easier to get mad Examples include alcohol,
comment sends me into a or turn to “I don’t give a damn” drugs, food, sex, relationships,
rage or sparks a crying fit. than to “I’m hurt.” Blame: money, work, caretaking,
A small mistake triggers Faultfinding, making excuses, gambling, affairs, religion,
a huge shame attack. inflicting payback, lashing out chaos, shopping, planning,
Constructive feedback hits as self-protection. perfectionism, constant
a tender place, and I jump change, the Internet, and the
out of my skin. list goes on.
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based on the research
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Offloading Hurt Strategies
What I saw When do I offload What I feel when What I feel when
growing up: hurt this way? someone offloads someone offloads
With whom do I hurt this way hurt this way
act this way? around me in my around me in
personal life: my professional/
community life:
CHANDELIERING
BOUNCING HURT
NUMBING
STOCKPILING
HIGH-CENTERED
THE UMBRIDGE
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based on the research
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Strategies for Reckoning with Emotion
HOLD
1.
2.
3.
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based on the research
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Wrapping up Act 1 – Getting Curious About My Story
My story:
Let’s rumble.
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based on the research
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Act II: The Rumble
“We can’t get to a brave new ending if we start from an inauthentic place.” –Brené Brown
WRITING MY SFD: MEANING MAKING AND THE SCIENCE OF STORY
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based on the research
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It’s Time to Rumble. Time to Unleash Our Curiosity
“The future belongs to the curious. The ones who are not afraid to
try it, explore it, poke at it, question it, and turn it inside out.”
–Skillshare, Inc.
Time to poke, prod, and explore the ins and outs There are several rumble topics that come up
of our story. over and over in our stories. We’re going to take a
look at these next: anxiety, boundaries, criticism,
1. What more do I need to learn and understand forgiveness, grief, guilt, integrity, overfunctioning,
about the situation? What are the facts in the underfunctioning, shame, trust, and vulnerability.
story? What assumptions am I making?
Using the Story Rumble Glossary, identify feelings or
experiences that keep coming up in your stories that
you would like to examine.
(1)
(2)
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based on the research
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Rumbling with Vulnerability
THE TWO PARADOXES Myth #3: Vulnerability is oversharing. Oversharing often disconnects
OF VULNERABILITY or connects superficially. Vulnerability is sharing with the intention
to connect. It is about trust, intimacy, and connection.
Vulnerability looks
like courage in Myth #4: I can go it alone. We romanticize the idea that we can
you, but it feels like do even vulnerability alone. The point is to connect.
weakness in me.
Myth #5: You can engineer the uncertainty and discomfort out of
Vulnerability is the vulnerability. When it comes to interactions between humans, they
first thing I look for always involve uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
when I meet you, Myth #6: Trust comes before vulnerability. We need to trust to be
but it’s the last thing vulnerable, and we need to be vulnerable in order to build trust. Trust
I want to show you. and vulnerability grow together, and to betray one is to destroy both.
Vulnerability is. . . Think about the last time you did something brave.
What role did vulnerability play?
I grew up believing vulnerability was. . . When thinking about your arena, how does
vulnerability show up?
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based on the research
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Rumbling with Shame
SHAME is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and
therefore unworthy of love and belonging. “Not good enough. Who do you think you are?”
SHAME SHIELDS
My physical symptoms of
shame include:
How does shame show up in your story? Comparison? What “not enoughs” show up in your SFD?
Perfectionism? Not good enough? Other:
Not enough
Not enough
Not enough
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based on the research
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Rumbling with Living BIG
Do you believe that people are doing the best they Think of a person you constantly find yourself judging
can? Why or why not? – someone whose choices, values, and/or behaviors
you find annoying or unacceptable. What specifically
drives your judgment?
What boundaries do I need to put in place so I can work from a place of integrity and extend
the most generous interpretations of the intentions, words, and actions of this person?
1) 3)
2) 4)
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based on the research
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Rumbling with Trust and BRAVING
BOUNDARIES: You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear Choose a person with whom you’re
about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no. experiencing trust struggles. Using
BRAVING, get clear about how and
RELIABILITY: You do what you say you’ll do. This means staying aware why trust is an issue:
of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are
able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.
VAULT: You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share.
I need to know that my confidences are kept and that you’re not sharing with
me any information about other people that should be confidential.
INTEGRITY: You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right
over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather
than simply professing them.
NONJUDGMENT: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what
you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.
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based on the research
of Brené Brown
Rumbling with Grief and Forgiveness
The more difficult it is for us to articulate our experiences of “In order for forgiveness to happen,
loss, longing, and feeling lost to the people around us, the
more disconnected and alone we feel in our grief. Is grief
something has to die. If you make a choice
part of your rising strong story? If so, how? Keeping your to forgive, you have to face into the pain.
story in mind, explore each of the elements of grief below. You simply have to hurt.” —Joe Reynolds
LOSS: Grief seems to create losses within us that reach What role does forgiveness play in your
beyond our awareness — we feel as if we’re missing rising strong story? What needs to die
something that was invisible and unknown to us while for you to forgive? (Maybe expectations,
we had it but is now painfully gone. dreams, a relationship, hopes, “being right,”
or maybe the idea that we can do what’s in
What feelings of loss are you experiencing? our hearts and still retain the support and/
or approval of others, etc.)
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based on the research
of Brené Brown
Rumbling with Anxiety
From her book The Dance When do I overfunction and with whom?
of Connection, Harriet
Lerner explains that we all
have patterned ways of
managing anxiety — some of
us overfunction and others
underfunction.
OVERFUNCTIONERS
tend to move quickly to
advise, rescue, take over,
micromanage, and basically
get in other people’s business
rather than looking inward.
When do I underfunction and with whom?
UNDERFUNCTIONERS
tend to get less competent
under stress, inviting others
to take over, and they often
become the focus of worry
or concern.
On the outside,
overfunctioners appear to
be tough and in control,
and underfunctioners can
seem irresponsible or fragile.
Many of these behaviors are
learned and line up with the What can I do when I am feeling this way?
roles we play in our family.
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based on the research
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Rumbling with Criticism
These should be the people who care enough about you to be honest,
rather than telling you what you want to hear. They should not be
people who just blindly agree with you no matter what.
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based on the research
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The Delta
2)
3)
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based on the research
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The Manifesto of the Brave and Brokenhearted
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based on the research
of Brené Brown
Act III: The Revolution
LET THE REVOLUTION BEGIN: STORY RUMBLES WITH FRIENDS, FAMILY,
WHEN THE PROCESS BECOMES PRACTICE COLLEAGUES, AND COMMUNITY MEMBERS
List two ways that you are going to make the
rising strong process a daily practice in your life. 1. How do we engage in this process with an open
heart and an open mind?
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based on the research
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Act III: The Revolution
Think of a hard conversation that you had in the past that you wish had
gone better, or one you need to have. Using the list of rumble starters,
write out a script for how you would want that conversation to go.
RUMBLE SCRIPT
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based on the research
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Integration and Creativity
For this project, you will write a poem that is 5-10 lines long,
and each line will begin with, “I am . . .”
You can include references to your hometown, your family, your favorite pastimes,
your favorite foods, your pets, the loves of your life, the books that shaped you, your
heartbreaks and disappointments—it’s totally up to you.
One of the lines from my poem is: “I am Brené of Chuck and Deanne, of the south
side of San Antonio, of cheese enchiladas with chopped white onions.”
The goal is integration—to use creativity to start to discover the mystery and
multitudes that form who we uniquely are.
MY “I AM” POEM:
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based on the research
of Brené Brown
Rumble Glossary
ACCOUNTABILITY: Owning your mistakes, know our own darkness well can we be present with
apologizing, and making amends (BRAVING the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real
checklist). when we recognize our shared humanity.”
ANGER: A secondary emotion for discharging CONNECTION: The energy that exists between
difficult feelings and discomfort. people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when
they can give and receive without judgment; and
ANXIETY: Uncertainty, overwhelming fear, when they derive sustenance and strength from the
competing demands on our time, or social relationship.
discomfort.
CRITICISM: Originally meant reasoned, logical, and
ASKING FOR HELP: A brave move that feels very respectful challenges among people with a shared
vulnerable. passion for expanding thought and discovering truth.
Today it ranges from anonymous put-downs to
BELONGING: The innate human desire to be part personal attacks.
of something larger than us. Because this yearning
is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in CURIOSITY: Curiosity is the feeling of deprivation we
and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow experience when we identify and focus on a gap in
substitutes for belonging, but are also often barriers our knowledge.
to it. Because true belonging only happens when we
present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, DISAPPOINTMENT: Unmet expectations. The more
our sense of belonging can never be greater than significant the expectation, the more significant the
our level of self-acceptance. disappointment.
BLAME: Used to discharge discomfort or pain; DISGUST: A feeling of strong dislike caused by
related to anger. something unpleasant or offensive.
BOUNDARIES: What’s okay, what’s not, and why. EMBARRASSMENT: One of the self-conscious
affects along with shame, guilt, and humiliation, but
COMPARISON: The impossible task of conforming embarrassment is often fleeting and can be funny.
and competing at the exact same time. At first it What differentiates embarrassment is knowing that
seems like conforming and competing are mutually we are not alone in what we are feeling and that
exclusive, but they’re not. When we compare, we nothing is wrong with us.
want to see who or what is best out of a specific
collection of “alike things.” EMPATHY: We define empathy with the help of
Theresa Wiseman and Kristin Neff.
COMPASSION: From American Buddhist nun Theresa Wiseman’s Attributes of Empathy:
Pema Chödrön: “When we practice generating 1) Staying out of judgment: We practice non-
compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of judgment... just hear it.
our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves 2) Taking the other’s perspective: What does that
learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently mean for you? What is that experience like for you?
toward what scares us.... In cultivating compassion 3) Understanding the emotion you are hearing:
we draw from the wholeness of our experience—our How can I touch within myself something that feels
suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and like maybe what the other person might be feeling?
terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a Check in and clarify what you are hearing. Ask
relationship between the healer and the wounded. questions.
It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we 4) Communicating our understanding about the emotion.
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based on the research
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Rumble Glossary
We think this fifth component from Kristin Neff is FRUSTRATED: Feeling of distress, irritation, and
important too: annoyance resulting from an inability to change or
5) Practicing mindfulness: This is not pushing away achieve something or when one’s expectations are
emotion because it’s uncomfortable, but feeling not met.
it and moving through it. This matters—if I think
empathy is to jump into your dark hole with you, then GENEROSITY: Extending the most generous
I can’t help you because now I’m stuck in the hole interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and
too. I must know the boundaries about where you actions of others (BRAVING checklist).
end and I begin. I can’t be empathic if I am taking
on another’s story. GRATITUDE: A practice of expressing thankfulness
And finally: and appreciation. Practicing gratitude is bound to the
We can only respond empathically if we are willing belief of human interconnectedness, a spiritual way
to be present to someone’s pain. Empathy is the of engaging with the world, and a power greater than
antidote to shame and the heart of connection. us. Without gratitude, there is no joy.
EXCITED: Very enthusiastic and eager. GRIEF: Three fundamental elements of grief are
loss, longing, and feeling lost. We run from grief
EXPECTATIONS: Anne Lamott explains that because loss scares us, yet our hearts reach toward
expectations are resentments waiting to happen. grief because the broken parts want to mend. Grief
An expectation is how we presume something will seems to create losses within us that reach beyond
happen that is often based more on desire than fact. our awareness—we feel as if we’re missing something
that was invisible and unknown to us while we had it
FAILURE: Feels like a lost opportunity, like but is now painfully gone.
something that can’t be redone or undone.
Regardless of the context or magnitude, failure GUILT: “I did something bad,” or “I made a mess,”
brings with it the sense that we’ve lost some of our with the focus on behavior. Guilt has the potential to
personal power. motivate us toward positive change.
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based on the research
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Rumble Glossary
identity dictates what messages and expectations OVER-FUNCTIONING: One of two patterned ways
fuel our “not enoughness.” of managing anxiety. Over-functioners tend to move
quickly to advise, rescue, take over, micromanage,
INTEGRITY: Choosing courage over comfort; and basically get in other people’s business, rather
choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; than looking inward. It is saying, “I won’t feel; I will do.
and choosing to practice our values rather than I don’t need help; I help.”
simply professing them.
OVERWHELMED: To feel saturated by an
JEALOUS: Feeling or showing envious resentment environment or set of circumstances and be
of someone or their achievements, possessions, or overcome completely in mind or feeling.
perceived advantages.
PERFECTIONISM: The belief that if we look
JOY: Intense feelings of deep spiritual connection perfect, act perfect, and live perfect, we can
and pleasure. As a deeply vulnerable experience, minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and
there is no emotion more difficult than joy. shame. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around,
thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the
JUDGMENT: Observation with values attached. thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.
We judge others in the areas where we are most Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn
susceptible to shame. approval and acceptance.
LONELY: A sad feeling of being alone. PRIVILEGE: Access, resources, rights, and special
treatment that are not earned but granted to us
LOVE: We cultivate love when we allow our most solely based on our membership in a specific group.
vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply
seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual REGRET: One of the most powerful emotional
connection that grows from that offering with reminders that change and growth are necessary. It
trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not is a fair but tough teacher and a function of empathy.
something we give or get; it is something that we Regret is a call to courage and a path toward wisdom.
nurture and grow, a connection that can only be
cultivated between two people when it exists within RESENTMENT: An emotion we experience when
each one of them — we can only love others as much we fail to set boundaries, when boundaries are
as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, ignored, or when expectations let us down because
betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage they were based on things we can’t control, like what
the roots from which love grows. Love can only other people think, what they feel, or how they’re
survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, going to react.
healed, and rare.
REVOLUTION: Unlike evolutionary change, which
NEED: A basic human experience that stems from is incremental, revolutionary change fundamentally
the fact that we are hard-wired for connection and transforms our thoughts and beliefs. It is a deep,
inextricably bound to each other. tumultuous, groundbreaking, no-turning-back
transformation.
NOSTALGIA: Formed from two Greek words: nostos,
meaning returning home, and algos, meaning pain. SAD: Feeling sorrow; unhappy.
Nostalgia is a yearning for the way things used to be
or an often idealized version of the past. SELF-WORTH: The value we attach to who we are
(not what we have, what we do, or what we achieve).
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based on the research
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Rumble Glossary
SHAME: The intensely painful feeling or experience VULNERABILITY: Uncertainty, risk, and emotional
of believing that we are flawed and therefore exposure.
unworthy of love and belonging. “I am bad.” “I am
a mess.” The focus is on self, not behavior, with the WHOLEHEARTEDNESS: Wholehearted living
result that we feel alone. Shame is never known to is about engaging in our lives from a place of
lead us toward positive change. worthiness. It means cultivating the courage,
compassion, and connection to wake up in the
SPIRITUALITY: Recognizing and celebrating morning and think, no matter what gets done and
that we are all inextricably connected to each how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going
other by a power greater than all of us, and that to bed at night thinking, "Yes, I am imperfect and
our connection to that power and to one another vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t
is grounded in love and belonging. Practicing change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of
spirituality brings a sense of perspective, love and belonging."
meaning, and purpose to our lives.
WORRIED: Feeling anxious or troubled about
STEREOTYPES: From Susan Robbins: “An problems or unpleasant things that are happening
overgeneralized and rigid definition of group or may happen.
characteristics that is assigned to people based on
their membership in a group.”
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