Occupational Therapy Techniques

Trust
Ways to Build Trust
Although we cannot control other people’s behaviour in relationships, we can make sure that we do
everything possible to maintain and strengthen trust in our relationships. Consider the following tips
that can be relevant to healing.

 Be true to your word and follow through with your actions –

Honour your commitments and don’t make promises you cannot keep. Keeping your word
shows others what you expect from them, and in turn, they’ll be more likely to treat you with
respect, developing further trust in the process.
 Learn how to communicate effectively with others –
Poor communication is a major reason why relationships break down. Be clear about
commitments. Building trust is not without risk. it involves allowing both you and others
taking risks to prove trustworthiness – make sure the messages sent are the messages
received.
 Remind yourself that it takes time to build and earn trust –
Building trust is a daily commitment. Don’t make the mistake of expecting too much too
soon. In order to build trust, first take small steps with small commitments and from here
move on to bigger commitments.
 Take time to make decisions and think before acting too quickly –
Only make commitments that you are happy to agree to. Have the courage to say no, even
when it disappoints. Being organized is a necessary part of building trust as it enables you to
make clear decisions.
 Value the relationships that you have – and don’t take them for granted –
Trust often results from consistency. We tend to have the most trust in people who are there
for us consistently through good and bad times.
 Develop your team skills and participate openly –
When you take an active role in a relationship and make contributions, people are more likely
to respect and trust you. It is also imperative when building trust in a relationship to show
your willingness to trust others. In other words, take what others say into consideration, show
that you are listening actively, suggest your thoughts and feedback in a respectful manner.
 Always be honest –
The message you convey should always, always be the truth.
 Help people whenever you can –
Helping another person, even if it provides no benefit to you, builds trust. Authentic kindness
helps to build trust.
  Don’t hide your feelings –
Being open about your emotions is an effective way to build trust.
 Admit your mistakes –
When you attempt to hide your mistakes, people know you are being dishonest. By being
open, you show your vulnerable side, and this helps to build trust with other people.
 Work through experiences where trust has been broken –
Take the risk to share and offload emotions from situations where trust has been broken
previously. Learn from this and take the lessons into future relationships.

Commitment is an act not a word.

Guilt and Shame

 Guilt – Guilt is a moral emotion that occurs when a person believes or realises (accurately or
not) that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated universal
moral standards and bear significant responsibility for that violation. It is an action – I have
done something wrong. (Having a conscience).
 Shame – Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion often associated with negative self-
evaluation, motivation to quit, and feelings of pain, exposure, distrust, powerlessness, and
worthlessness. It is an internal belief (self-esteem – labelling yourself).
 Makes it difficult for those around you to give you love.
 Too much guilt and shame takes away time from things that can fill our cup.
Guilt Shame
Guilt is focused on behaviour Shame is focused on self
I did something bad. I am a bad person.
I’m sorry, I made a mistake. I’m sorry, I am the mistake.
Can feel bad about behaviour but still have self- An arise without us doing anything wrong;
respect. leading to lose of self-respect.

Types of Guilt
 Reactive Guilt – Occurs when a person commits an act that, after the fact, strikes them as
unkind or as having had a negative impact. The guilt is a reaction to what they have done.
 Anticipatory Guilt – This occurs when a person knows that an act that they are going to
commit, or are considering committing, might have a negative outcome.
 Existential Guilt – This occurs when a person struggles with who they are, what they are and
their place in the world. E.g., Someone may feel guilty about being a man because statistics
show that many women are physically harmed by men each year. Even though this man has
never harmed a woman.

Types of Shame
  Unrequited love – one sided love is one of the most fundamentally shameful experiences.
E.g., A mother who doesn’t love their child, and the child feels inadequate and lacking.
Desperately want something from someone which they don’t provide so you label yourself as
unworthy/unlovable/not good enough.
 Exclusion – think of the time when you weren’t invited to that party or excluded. We need to
belong to our community/herd to keep us alive. Humans on their own in the wild are
extremely vulnerable to predators, just like other mammals. Exclusion is wired into our DNA
to symbolize vulnerability and death.
 Unwanted exposure – Being put in situations you don’t feel comfortable in (being put in the
spotlight).
 Disappointed reaction – Goals that are unmet.

Regret
Regret can lead to the emotions of guilt and shame.
Regrets are often linked to things we wish we had or had not said.
Unfulfilled dreams.
Expectations not met.
Illness or accidents can prevent us from doing things that could lead to regret.

Why do we dwell?
1. We don’t plan on making as many mistakes as we do.
2. We assume things will turn out okay.
3. We never let go.
4. Mind always returning to ‘might’, ‘could’, ‘should’ and ‘what if’.

Ways to manage guilt

 Recognize some guilt is good for us.
 Examine the causes of self-generated guilt.
 Eliminate self-negative talk.
 Remind yourself of your good deeds as well as the good inside of you.
 Implement boundaries with yourself and others.
 Acknowledge to yourself and others that you have made a mistake.
 Discover what you can and cannot control.
 Acknowledge that perfection does not exist.
 Be compassionate, make amends and forgive yourself and others.
 Challenge shameful thoughts.
 Seek support.

Guilt can either hold you back from growing or it can show you
 what you need to shift in your life.
The choice is yours.

Attachment Styles
A deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space.
The first experience we have of a strong emotional bond, is with our mother.

How is attachment formed?

When you were in your mothers uterus, the umbilical cord did 3 things:
1. It attached you to your mother.
2. It fed you.
3. It protected you from harm.
During birth the umbilical cord is broken, but as an infant you still need food and protection, so your
mother or another caregiver took over the work of the umbilical cord to feed and or protect you. The
way this person treated you, formed the foundation your brain has of relationships.

During Pregnancy trust or mistrust is developed:

A stressed mother’s brain releases adrenaline and cortisol, (the fight or flight hormones) these
hormones are also sent through the umbilical cord to the baby and the baby receives a message that
this life is scary. (“My mom has to fight flight to stay alive, and so will I, I can't trust the outside
world”).
Healthy infant attachment style:
Baby has a need  Baby Cries  Need met by Caregiver  Trust develops.

Infant Trauma cycle:

Baby has a need  Baby Cries  Need not met by caregiver  Mistrust develops.

What are attachment styles

 Attachment styles refers to the particular way in which you bond, connect and relate
(communicate and interact) with other people.
 Your style of attachment is formed at the very beginning of your life.
 It is learned through interactions between you and your caregiver, during the first 3 years of
life and even during pregnancy.
 Once your attachment style is established, it is a style that stays with you and plays on today
in how you relate in your intimate relationships and in how you parent your children.
 It has influenced your past, current and future behaviour, and establishes your traits and how
we view ourselves (introspection).

1. Secure attachment
 Your caregiver’s behaviour was consistent and caring. They were responsive and sensitive
towards your physical and emotional needs. They were there every time you needed them.

Your childhood taught you: The world is safe: “I can trust other people to help me and to
respond to my physical and emotional needs. I am important enough to be care for”.

Later in life: “I have a secure foundation and a healthy idea of relationships; it is safe to trust
new people. Relationships are a safe place”.

Your behaviour in relationships: You connect to people in a secure comfortable way.

A secure attachment is the ideal, but unfortunately life is not always ideal.
 Sometimes things happen to break this attachment/bond between you and your caregiver.
 Imagine an apple with a worm inside the apple. These little holes where the worm took a bite
can be seen as attachment breaks.
 A few examples of attachment breaks:
o Stressful pregnancy (Unplanned, unwanted conflict during pregnancy).
o Being removed from the caregiver (Adoption, moved to grandparents).
o Early childhood years (Marital stress, financial stress, alcohol use, lost employment).
o Losses (House, loved ones).
o Trauma (Abuse, hospitalization, loss of a loved one).

2. Anxious Attachment
Your caregiver’s behaviour was inconsistent, your caregiver confused their own emotional
needs with your emotional needs. Some days they were extremely caring and in touch with
your needs, other days they were focussed on their own baggage, and they seemed
unavailable.

Your childhood taught you: “Sometimes people respond to my needs and sometimes I feel
ignored. I can’t really always trust people”.

Later in life: “I feel confused and anxious towards people. I have trust issues. People might
leave me easily and won't always be here for me. People are unreliable. I need to show them
that I can’t be without them, or they will leave me”.

Your behaviour in relationships: My behaviour in relationships are inconsistent. I find myself

having times where I am anxious about someone leaving me and I find myself being
suspicious, pushy, and needy. Being needy might keep people from leaving me.

3. Avoidant Attachment
Your caregiver did not respond to your needs. They wanted to be independent and strong.
They believed a child should not be “babied” and would encourage you to “grow-up quickly”.
 Sometimes they would discipline you or avoid if you seemed “needy” for example saying
things like: “Don’t be such a cry baby”, “I am not going to carry you, you have feet”.

Your childhood taught you: “People don’t respond to your needs at all. I have to take care of
myself. I cannot matter to others. I cannot trust others to help me”.

Later in life: “Why should I even try to have meaningful relationships with my caregiver or
new people if they don’t even really care how I feel. I have to cope with my own. It’s me
against the world”.

Your behaviour in relationships: To a certain degree you avoid intimate attachment, and you
place a lot of focus on independence. Others might feel that you don’t open up towards them
or need them in your life.

4. Disorganised Attachment
Your caregiver was so busy dealing with their own life (either by choice or by
circumstances), they did not recognize or respond to your emotional needs. They may have
treated you poorly due to their own unresolved trauma. Your childhood was a time of intense
stress for you.

Your childhood taught you: “Other people can be really bad and dangerous. They might hurt
my heart and sometimes my body. Approaching them leads to attention, but negative
attention. It probably means I’m not a good person. People will hurt me. I have to be on guard
(fight) protect myself and to get what I need in life”.

Later in life: You are always on guard trying to protect yourself from harm. There are
moments of control and moments of aggression in your behaviour. You come across as
defensive and people are not sure where they stand with you.

Your behaviour in relationships: Your behaviour is confusing, seeing as there are moments of
intimate connection and moments of reacting aggressively. You come across as defensive and
you have poor impulse control during an emotional situation. One moment you want to be
close to someone and the next moment you pull away.

How to become more secure in your relationships:

 Self-awareness (discovering your own attachment as well as your significant other).
 Heal and let go of your past (this is not easy).
 Realize that nothing you could have done as a child could have changed your parents
behaviour.
 Open communication with your partner.
 Boundaries for yourself and your partner/relationships.
  Trust build e.g., activities (coffee dates, adventurous activities, crafts).
 Being attuned to each other’s needs (talk to one another about expectations).

Improving attachment between you as a parent and your children

 Be there (emotionally and physically).
 Get to know your child.
 Stop asking general questions and rather ask more specific and intimate ones. E.g., What
made today a good day? What do you enjoy doing for fun?
 Open consistent communication.
 Do not have them with people they do not trust or people who can cause them
physical/emotional pain.
 Be predictable always.
 Be just in your punishment methods.
 Be sensitive (Tone of voice, physical touch).
 Trust building.
 Get help from professionals.

Toxic Relationships
Types of toxic people
 Critics.
 Irresponsibles.
 Borderlines.
 Narcassists.
 Codependents.
 Abandoners.

Toxic patterns of behaviour in relationships

Mistrust
 I expect people to hurt me or use me.
 I feel that if I am not careful people will take advantage of me.
 I try to hurt people before they hurt me.
 I am afraid to let people get close to me because I expect them to hurt me.
 I have to protect myself and stay on my guard.

Dependence
 I have trouble tackling new tasks unless I have someone to guide me.
 I can’t trust my own judgement and am easily influenced by others’ opinions.
 I find everyday life overwhelming and need others to help me cope with everyday tasks.
 I am not capable of getting by on my own.
Emotional deprivation
 I am often attracted to people who can't meet my needs.
 I feel disconnected, even from people who are close to me.
 No one is there to give me warmth, holding, affection or is tuned into my true feelings.
 It is hard to let people guide/protect me even though it is what I want inside.

Abandonment
 I cling to people because I am afraid that they will leave me.
 I get desperate when someone I love pulls away.
 I worry a lot that people I love will die or leave me.
 I need other people too much.
 I do not have stable base of support.

Entitlement
 I get angry when I cannot get what I want.
 I act on impulses and emotions that get me into trouble later.
 I insist that people do things my way.
 I have trouble accepting ‘no’ for an answer.

Social exclusion
 I feel inferior to people around me and think others think less of me.
 I feel lonely even when I am with people.
 I can’t relax and be myself with people.
 I only spend time with immediate family or one/two close friends.

Subjugation
 I need to please others/I give more to others than myself.
 I feel guilty if I put myself first in relationships.
 I go to great lengths to avoid confrontation with others.

Ending a Toxic Relationship

Certain people and their toxic energy can block you from expanding, elevating and vibrating higher.
Detach and protect your energy.

Identify if you’re in a toxic relationship

Maybe you feel less than yourself with them, like you’re being inauthentic. You feel drained or
exhausted while with them or after you’ve seen them. You know energetically if someone is adding or
subtracting from you.

Keep a record
Make note of the ways they have let you down or pulled you away from your vision; of all the times
that you have felt less than joyful around this person. This will increase your awareness of how much
someone is taking from you.

Identify the Rewards of being in a Toxic Relationship

There are payoffs for being in a toxic relationship. If there wasn’t a reward, we wouldn’t do it. Do
they make you feel powerful, or important? Are they supporting you financially? Is it about not being
alone?

Stop Waiting for the Person to Change

This is the biggest mistake a person can make when deciding to stay in a relationship in which you’re
being mistreated. You have to accept that the only person you control in this world is yourself. Unless
the other person owns up to their mistakes, and shows the desire to get help, they probably won’t
change. They may promise to change and turn things around for the better. They may even be genuine
about their intentions at that moment. But more than likely, things will stay the same, especially if
they made promises in the past that they don’t fulfil. Actions speak louder than words. Change has to
come from within; it can't be forced. Only then do things have a chance of working themselves out.

Give up the Excuses

Sometimes our judgement is clouded. Sometimes we simply want to see the best in someone.
Sometimes we’re just so afraid of being alone. Regardless of what we tell ourselves, some
relationships are just irreparable. Realize that you’re in a story that you’re making up and you get to
change the ending. You can stop justifying their behaviour.

Accept Responsibility for your Part

You probably don’t want to hear this but you are not blameless when it comes to being in a toxic
relationship. This might mean that you should have spoken up when things were just a little annoying
but before they became emotionally draining. No matter, your partner is not the only person in the
partnership so you play a part and you are accountable for that role.

Realize that you Deserve Better

Sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough if you aren’t receiving the same love in return. It’s like
putting work into an old broken-down car. No matter how much blood, sweat and tears you put into it,
it will never be the same again. The time you waste on the wrong person prevents the right person
from coming your way. How can they come into your life if you already have that space filled?

Accept that it will Hurt

There is no easy way of getting around it. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to hurt a lot. You’re worried
about missing the feeling of being wanted, the close moments you shared. Or instead of being just a
part of your life, they have become your entire life. You have forgotten how to live for yourself.
Getting over the initial discomfort of being alone is the hardest part. But once you get past that stage,
life becomes a whole lot easier. If you work through the pain, instead of trying to avoid it, you limit
the chances of your feelings coming back to haunt you later on.

Have the Conversation

Create a distraction-free environment, face to face is ideal. Get to the point quickly and focus more on
how you are feeling rather than things that are going wrong. Be firm and clear on what you need from
them to transform the relationship or that the relationship is over.

Grieve and Mourn the Loss of the Relationship

If ending the relationship is the result of the conversation, make time to let it go. Remove the person
from every aspect of your life. Feel whatever feelings come up. Release guilt and resentment. Mourn
in whatever way feels right for you.

Write Down the Lessons Learnt

Take the time to evaluate what has happened and what you have learnt.

We all deserve to have the happiest and fullest life possible. “Show me your friends and I’ll show you
your future”. If you surround yourself with toxic. Dramatic people you’ll have a toxic, dramatic life, if
we surround ourselves with positive, wonderful people, you’ll have a better chance at a positive
wonderful life.

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you,
grows you, or makes you happy. And never regret - if it’s good,
it’s wonderful and if it’s bad, its experience.

Patterns of Co-dependency
Relationships are one area in our lives where we feel most vulnerable. All of our deepest fears and
insecurities emerge in relationships. For some there is often a desperate need to be involved, yet for
some a terror of being in a relationship. Co-dependent people either love too much or not at all – or
swing between these two extremes. Not allowing themselves to love at all manifests in a continued
emotional detachment. In this way they never need to worry about being vulnerable or abandoned. If
they do get involved in a relationship, they may be the first to withdraw as soon as they start to feel
too invested and the fear of rejection raises its head. On the other end of the spectrum, and more
common, are those people who, because of their need to be needed, remain intensely loyal and stay in
relationships that are bad for them for much longer than they should. They manage this by losing
themselves in the relationship and making everything all about the other person. They make excuses
for bad behaviour and always look for good in their partner or focus on who they feel their partner
could become rather than who that person really is. They take the little they get and put up with the
scraps. They focus on the needs of their partner at their intuition and ignore the warnings they receive.
Instead, they set about changing themselves into who they think their partner wants them to be,
believing they need to change to better the situation.

Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness. They are the arenas where we invest most of
our time and energy, and where we give expression to ourselves. Co-dependent behaviour is therefore
also very evident in the workplace. Co-dependents are dream employees, they are so eager to please,
to be seen and loved that they will over extend themselves in all ways. It presents as taking on too
much responsibility, not setting boundaries, not standing up for oneself, not delegating, taking
feedback very personally, focusing on the negatives (unable to see positives in themselves) and
perfectionism.

Being co-dependent is not always a bad thing. Co-dependent people are nurturers, they care a lot and
love a lot too. They want peace and harmony. Where this behaviour becomes a problem is when the
co-dependent has given too much/loved too much. They then become resentful, angry, depressed and
frustrated. They burn themselves out and feel unloved/neglected/abused/taken advantage of by others.
The trick is to learn to understand yourself more and learn how to set some boundaries.

Understanding Co-dependency
Co-dependency is usually a response to trauma
You probably developed co-dependent traits starting in your childhood as a way to deal with an
abusive, chaotic, dysfunctional, or co-dependent family. As a child in an overwhelming situation, you
learned that keeping the peace, taking care of others, denying your feelings, and trying to control
things were ways to survive and cope with a scary and out of control home life. For some people, the
trauma was subtle, almost unnoticeable. Even if your childhood was fairly “normal”, you may have
experienced generational trauma, meaning your parents or close relatives passed some of their trauma
responses down to you.

Co-dependency Feels Shameful

The foremost shame researcher, Brenè Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or
experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”. Children
who grow up in dysfunctional families learn early on that there is something fundamentally wrong
with them. Your parents may have explicitly told you this by calling you stupid or worthless or you
might have gotten this message when your parents blamed you for their marital problems, addiction,
or unemployment. We all know that there’s still a huge stigma around addiction, abuse, and mental
illness, so we’re afraid to talk about having these problems ourselves or in our families. Shame grows
when we can't tell people about our problems; we feel alone and inadequate as if these struggles are
our fault and the direct result of our flaws. We come to believe that we’re not as good as everyone
else and this belief is reinforced further when people mistreat, reject or abandon us.
Co-dependency is an unhealth focus on other people’s problems, feelings and needs
Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and to avoid or distract ourselves from our own pain.
We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process. Many co-dependents describe
feeling addicted to another person; the relationship has an obsessive quality that’s hard to quit even
when you know its unhealthy. Your self-worth and identity are based on this relationship. You might
ask yourself, “Who am I and what would I do without my spouse (or child or parent)?”. This
relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which, you’re not sure who you are. And your loved
one needs you and depends on you to do things for them. You’re both dependent on each other in an
unhealthy way (this the “co” in co-dependent).

Co-dependents are very sensitive to criticism

Co-dependents tend to be a sensitive bunch. Our feelings are easily hurt; we’ve dealt with a lot of
hurt, blame, and criticism in our lives. We do everything we can to avoid displeasing others. We’ll
bend over backward to keep other people happy and divert attention away from ourselves. Sometimes
we try to stay “small and quiet” so we don’t draw any attention to ourselves.

Co-dependents are super responsible

Co-dependents are the glue that keeps a family going. We make sure the rent gets paid, the kids get to
baseball practice, and the windows are shut so the neighbours don’t hear the yelling. Most of us were
very responsible children who, out of necessity, became responsible for taking care of parents,
siblings, household chores, and school work without parental assistance. We find it easier to care for
others than ourselves and we gain self-esteem from being responsible, dependable, and hard working.
But we pay the price when we over extend ourselves, become workaholics, or grow resentful when
we do more than our share.

Co-dependents wall off their own feelings

Avoiding painful feelings is another coping strategy that co-dependents often employ. However, we
can't wall off only the painful feelings; we end up disconnected from all our feelings, making it harder
to full enjoy life’s joys, as well. Even the painful and uncomfortable feelings give us important clues
about what we need. For example, if your co-worker takes credit for your work in an important
meeting, it would be natural to feel hurt, disappointed, and/or angry. These feelings tell you that
you’ve been mistreated, which isn’t OK, and then you can figure out how to deal with it. If you
pretend or convince yourself that you’re not hurt or angry, you’ll continue to allow people to take
credit for your work or mistreat you in other ways.

Co-dependents don’t ask for what they need

One of the offshoots of suppressing our feelings is that without attuning to and understanding our
feelings, we don’t know what we need. And it’s impossible to meet your own needs or ask others to
meet them when you don’t even know what they are. And because of our low self-esteem, we don’t
feel worthy to ask our partner, friends or employer for what we need from. The reality is that
everyone has needs and the right to ask for them to be met. Of course, asking doesn’t guarantee that
they’ll be met, but it’s much more likely when we ask assertively rather than staying passive (or
waiting until we’re full of rage).

Co-dependents give, even when it hurts

Caretaking and enabling are hallmarks of co-dependency. What makes it unhealthy is that co-
dependents will put their time, energy and money into helping or doing for others even when it causes
them distress or hardship. This caring nature also makes us susceptible to being mistreated or taken
advantage of. We struggle to set boundaries and need to strive for a balance between helping others
and taking care of ourselves.

Co-dependency isn’t a mental health diagnosis

Many people with co-dependency have clinical levels of anxiety, depression, and PTSD due to trauma
and genetics, but co-dependency itself isn’t a mental disorder. Also, remember that going to
counselling or psychotherapy doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you; you may feel empty
and defective, but that doesn’t mean you are!

You can change your co-dependent patterns. People can recover from co-dependency. Change is
a gradual process that requires lots of practice and an openness to try new things and to feel a
little uncomfortable in the process. Co-dependency is not your fault, but you are the only one
who can change it.

Boundaries
“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity”.
Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it!

Types of Boundaries
Verbal
 Verbalising a need: Making our thoughts and feelings known.
 Letting others know that you are in control of yourself.
 Saying NO.
 External pressures (someone pressuring you to do something you do not want to) and internal
pressures (what you ‘should’ do, often unrealistic expectations of yourself).

Physical
 Who can be in your space.
 Personal space bubble.
 Who can touch you, who cannot.
 Awareness of what’s appropriate in different settings.
Geographical distance
 Removing yourself to replenish physically/emotionally when depleted.
 Removing yourself from a situation: Person left behind can feel your absence.
 Leaving until the person is ready to deal with the problem.

Mental
 Need to be able to say no to self – limits within yourself.
 Your opinion vs. another’s opinion: Choosing what you believe of yourself.
 Beware of your thoughts and where they may be distorted/assumptions/wrong.

Emotional
 Refers to your emotions – when to share and what to share with whom.
 Taking responsibility for your feelings (not blaming others).
 Not taking responsibility for others’ feelings – is this my feeling or your feeling?
 Use emotional distance appropriately.
 To keep opening up in an emotionally abusive relationship is self-sabotage.

Material
 Refers to money and possessions.
 What will you share and with whom?

Time
 How do you use your time?
 Enough time should be allocated to various facets of life.

Other people
 Refers to rescuing others from the consequences of their own actions.
 Prevents growth in others.
 Allowing others to give to you too – give and take relationships.

Sexual
 Refers to emotional, intellectual and physical aspects of sexuality.
 Involves mutual understanding and respect of limitations and desires.

What are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with
healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening
themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.

Boundaries are a healthy way of protecting the self, they are a set of limits with consequences. These
boundaries can be rigid, porous or healthy.
 Rigid Boundaries Porous Boundaries Healthy Boundaries
Avoids intimacy and close Overshares personal Values own opinions.
relationships. information.
Does not compromise values
Unlikely to ask for help. Difficulty saying ‘no’ to the for others.
requests of others.
Has few close relationships. Shares personal information in
Overinvolved with other’s an appropriate way.
Very protective of personal problems.
information. Knows personal wants and
Dependent of the opinions of needs and can communicate
May seem detached even with others. them.
romantic partners.
Accepting of abuse or Accepting when others say
Keeps others at a distance to disrespect. ‘no’ to them.
avoid the possibility of
rejection. Fears rejection if they do not
comply with others.

Most people have a mix of different boundary types. For example, someone could have healthy
boundaries at work, porous boundaries in romantic relationships and a mix of all three types with their
family. One size does not fit all.

The appropriateness of boundaries depends heavily on setting. What’s appropriate to say when you’re
out with friends might not be appropriate when you are at work.

Some cultures have very different expectations when it comes to boundaries. For example, in some
cultures it is considered wildly inappropriate to express emotions publicly. In other cultures,
emotional expression is encouraged.

Long-term Benefits of Healthy Boundaries

Early Warning Signs vs Resentment
You will start to recognize sooner when someone is pushing against your boundaries/doing something
that does not sit well with you. If you learn to act on this initial feeling, you can avoid the possible
long term resentment that could build up.

Change of Taste
You will become drawn to people with healthy boundaries and vice versa.
Healthier Relationships
Clearly defined responsibilities/expectations within relationships result in better relationships.

Treasuring Yourself
By setting healthy boundaries, you give out a message to the world that you love and value yourself.
This will change the dynamic in your relationships as you will no longer be seen as ‘the doormat’.

Guilt Feelings will Lesson

The more you come to terms with your boundaries, the easier it will get and the less it will hurt to put
them in place.

My Responsibilities
 Me.
 My feelings.
 My behaviours.
 My thoughts.
 My words.
 My burdens (others can support me but cannot fix my problems).

A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, dreams,
values or dignity. Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and
energy are precious. You get to choose how to use them.

Boundary Problems
 Complaints – Always saying ‘yes’ when they want to say ‘no’.
 Avoidants – Saying no to help: isolating and withdrawing.
 Controllers – Not respecting others’ boundaries – either aggressive or manipulative.
 Non-respondents – Not hearing the needs of others – feel unsupported or self-absorbed.

Baseline for Implementing Boundaries

We cannot change people or make them behave ‘right’. You can choose to limit exposing yourself to
their behaviour if it hurts you. We need a healthy support from others to set boundaries (rely on
professionals initially). We can implement consequences: barbed wire around our boundary.

Expect Resistance to Boundaries

 Anger – The problem does not lie with you. It is not your responsibility to make them less
angry. That person needs to deal with their own anger.
 Guilt – Just recognize and feel the guilt. Remember it is okay to feel guilty, but it does not
indicate that you have done anything wrong. Just keep reminding yourself why you set the
 boundary and that the guilt is better than the long-term resentment, discomfort of no
boundary. Do not explain or justify your boundary.
 Hurt – They will feel the hole you used to fill, or they will now feel the burden you used to
carry. It is understandable that they may hurt but not your responsibility to take the hurt/pain
away.
 Blamers – “Because of you…” Rendering themselves powerless, trying to get you to take
back responsibility. Resist the urge, they are responsible for themselves.

Tips for Setting Healthy Relationship

1. When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in
as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are
setting. Do not argue. Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
2. You can't set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. you are
not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. If others get
upset with you, it’s their choice. If they no longer want to be your friend, you’re probably
better without them. You do not need or deserve friends who disrespect your boundaries.
3. At first you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it
anyway and remind yourself that you have the right to take care of yourself. Setting
boundaries takes practice and determination.
4. When you feel angry or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably
need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to say or do. Then
communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy
boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
5. When you set boundaries, you might be tested by others, especially by those people
accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be
firm. Remember your behaviour must match the boundaries you are setting. You can't
establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing
so. Be firm, clear and respectful.
6. Most people will be willing to respect your boundaries, but some may not. Be prepared to be
firm when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship.
In extreme cases you may need to involve the police by sending a restraining order.
7. Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. it is a process. You will set boundaries when
you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let
your support group help you with your pace and process.
8. Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic
persons from your life – those that want to manipulate you, control you or abuse you.
 9. Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge and what an exciting journey that
is.

Saying ‘NO’
Choice means saying no to one thing so you can say yes to another.
For many of us, we need just to learn to say ‘NO’ as this is a powerful boundary in itself!

 Say ‘NO’. Just say it! It is a complete sentence on its own.

 Give one reason, not an excuse; keep it brief – keep your reply short and to the point.
 Repeat, if necessary, without getting aggressive or loud.
 Avoid rambling justifications.
 Be polite.
 You may choose to give an apology e.g. “I’m sorry I can't make lunch on Tuesday but thank
you for asking me”.
 Keep control – soften the blow of a direct ‘no’ by keeping a calm tone of voice and reply to
the request warmly.
 Be honest. Making a simple statement such as “I’m finding this difficult” helps to express
feelings openly and honestly.
 Say ‘no’ and go. People interpret lingering as uncertainty which may cause confusion.
 Match your verbal and non-verbal communication.
 Be prepared to compromise if you feel that your self-respect is not at risk.
 Use the ‘broken record technique’.
 Recognize manipulation.
 If necessary, where the other is persistent, say “I need you to hear me!”.
 If you don’t feel strong enough to stand up to the other person, buy yourself time to work
through fears by saying “I’ll sleep on it: or “I need time to think about this”.

Broken record technique

this is the skill of repeating your statement over and over in a calm and relaxed manner. It is helpful
when the other won't accept no and where your rights are being violated. It helps with those trying to
manipulate. E.g., “I realize that you are in a difficult situation, but I am not able to help you. I
understand that your car is at the garage and that you are unable to pay for repairs, but I am unable to
help you. I am sorry that you are unable to find a job, but I am unable to help you”.
NB: The beauty is once you know your lines, you can relax. Just keep using it until your refusal is
accepted or a workable compromise is reached.

Compromise
Being assertive does not mean being dogmatic or stubborn. It may mean helping the other person
reach a decision which is suitable to both parties. E.g., “I’m sorry that I cannot help you today,
however I do have some extra time tomorrow. Would that be okay?”

…saying NO can be the ultimate act of self-care.

The Five Apology Languages

The five apology languages are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution,
genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness. The language system was researched and developed
by Gary Chapman to offer various approaches to apologizing. While some people may lean more
strongly toward one apology language, it’s possible to have multiple, depending on the situation.
1. Expressing regret (Always say what you are sorry for)
The first apology language, expressing regret, is the simple act of saying “I’m sorry”. While it
sounds obvious enough, many people allow pride or guilt to get in the way of this kind of
apology. Along with saying the words “I’m sorry”, this type of apology involves listing the
hurtful effects of your actions and showing remorse. It doesn’t count if someone is only sorry
that they got caught. Don’t say “I’m sorry, but…”.

This may be your apology language if:

You want someone to acknowledge the hurt they caused.
You want someone to genuinely express that they regret their actions.
You want to feel validated in your emotions.

2. Accepting responsibility
The second apology language, accepting responsibility, occurs when someone earnestly
admits they were wrong to do what they did. Along with acknowledging your fault in the
situation, you name the mistake, so it doesn’t ring hollow. Note that it is easier to say, ‘You
are right’ than ‘I am wrong’, but the latter carries more weight. The person should be able to
explain what they did wrong and why it was wrong.

This may be your apology language if:

You want someone to take ownership of the hurt they caused.
You want someone to clearly state what they did wrong, to prove they can learn from the
mistake.
You don’t want to hear excuses.

3. Making restitution
The third apology language, making restitution, includes finding a way to correct the
situation. This is a common apology scenario if something is lost, broken, or damaged and the
apologizer offers to replace the item or pay for the inconvenience. It can also occur in more
 serios situations if a person is deeply betrayed and the person who did it makes it up to them.
“What can I do to make it right?”.

This may be your apology language if:

You want someone to prove they’re willing to correct the problem (i.e., put their money
where their mouth is).
You find it important that the perpetrator “makes things right again”, whatever that might
look like.
You want someone to take the lead in a situation.

4. Genuinely repenting
The fourth apology language, genuinely repenting, requires a change of behaviour. With this
apology language, saying sorry is not enough. There should be a sincere drive to do better, to
problem-solve and come up with a better, more specific plan for change, with no excuses. “I
won't do that again”.

This may be your apology language if:

You need proof that someone is growing and working toward change.
You need assurance that you won't be let down the next time around.
Words aren’t enough for you.

5. Requesting forgiveness
The fifth apology language, requesting forgiveness, allows the other person time to process
their hurt before assuming everything is back to normal. Saying “I’m so sorry for letting you
down. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” places the power back into the hands of
the hurt party. While most people won't refuse an apology altogether, it does leave room for
them to make exceptions, including the need for repentance or restitution. “Will you forgive
me?”.

This may be your apology language if:

You’re not quite ready for reconciliation yet.
You need more from the apology and want the space to ask for it.
You need to know the person apologising is willing to wait until you’re ready.

Other frameworks for apology

While Chapman’s concept of apology languages can be helpful, there are other frameworks for
apology and restitution. For example, in the Negotiation and Conflict Management journal,
researchers outlined a specific six-step process for apologizing:
1. Expression of regret.
2. Explanation of what went wrong.
 3. Acknowledgement of responsibility.
4. Declaration of repentance.
5. Offer of repair.
6. Request for forgiveness.

In this model, all six elements are necessary for an effective, meaningful apology – as opposed to in
Chapman’s, which suggests the most people will need only one or two of these elements as their
preferred form of apology.

Another model of reparations stems from the concept of restorative justice or transformative justice,
which are frameworks that focus on restitution and healing instead of punishment for crimes. This
accountability process has gained some popularity in recent years as a way of making amends for
behaviour. In addition to earnestly acknowledging one’s wrongdoing, making repair according to the
wishes of the one who was wronged is key to effective apology (and justice).

Apologizing and becoming more aware is great, but changes in action and physical proof of continued
change and ‘working through’ is what most often helps other people feel that we are sincere in our
apologies. That also means not shying away from others when we mess up (which we will). It means
actively calling ourselves out in those uncomfortable moments and restating our commitments to
change, which is then followed up by visible action.

When to apologize
In general, if you’re questioning whether or not to apologize, you probably should. Finding the right
time depends on the person you’re apologizing to, though. Sometimes they will need things to cool
down, and others like it right away.

Remember, even when it’s difficult, apologizing is the first step toward reconciliation, and
determining someone’s apology language may improve that process.

Love Languages Personality Profile

Words of Affirmation
 One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of
ancient Hebrew Wisdom Literature wrote “the tongue has the power of life and death”. Many
couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other.
 Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation/encouragement or kind/humble words are all
powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward
statements of affirmations, such as:
“You look incredible in that dress. Wow!”
“I really like how you are always on time to fetch me from work”.
“You always make me laugh”.
  Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest human need is the need to feel
appreciated.

Quality Time
 By ‘quality time’ I mean giving someone your undivided attention, doing things together. I
don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. What I mean is sitting on the
couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, devices put away, giving each other
your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and
talking, no distractions.
 Time is a precious commodity. We all have multiple demands on our time, yet each of us has
the exact same hours in a day. We can make the most of those hours by committing some of
them to the important people in our lives. If your partner of best friend’s love language is
quality time, they simply want to be with you, to spend time with you.

Receiving Gifts
 Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the
spirit of gifting. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say “look, he was thinking
of me”, or “she remembered me”. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter
whether it costs money or not. What is important is that you thought of him or her. And it is
not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually
securing or making the gift and giving it as an expression of love and care.
 But what of the person who says “I’m not a gift giver. I didn’t receive many gifts growing up.
I never learned how to select gifts. It doesn’t come naturally for me”. Congratulations, you’ve
made the first discovery in becoming a great friend, lover or partner. If this is your partner of
friend’s love language, you can learn to become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it’s the easiest
love language to learn.

Acts of Service
 Michelle’s primary love language was what I call ‘acts of service’. By acts of service, I mean
doing things your loved one would like you to do. You seek to please by doing things for
him/her. You initiate and put effort into it.
 Consider actions such as cooking a meal, changing baby’s nappies, keeping the car in a good
condition, helping to lift kids or picking up mail from the post office – they are all acts of
service. They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit,
they are indeed expressions of love. For many, “actions speak louder than words”.

Physical Touch
 We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous
research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are
 held, stroked, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long
periods of time without physical contact. Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for
communicating love in adult relationships. Holding hands, hugging, touching a shoulder or arm,
kissing and in some cases sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love. For
some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language and without it they feel unloved.
With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure and valued in the relationship. Touches
can be ten times as powerful and comforting as any words!

Stress Management
Anger Management
Anger as a Secondary Emotion
Everyone feels anger at some stage or another – it’s healthy, normal human emotion. It acts as a
trigger to alert us to something that does not feel right. It can arise in many different contexts from
experiencing unjust treatment, hearing criticism or simply not getting what we want. The experience
of anger can range from mild irritation to frustration all the way to a seething rage.

While feeling anger is a natural part of being human, its helpful to think of skilful ways to work with
it that result in healthy living rather than having to live with feelings of regret about what you said or
did.

It is helpful to consider anger as a secondary emotion. It can often feel safer to express our anger than
to express potentially our sadness, hurt, guilt or frustration. Strangely anger can help us feel more in
control and less vulnerable. In these cases, however, our anger clouds the primary emotion which is
actually the feeling we should be working with.
How to Cope with Anger
Consider the STOPP technique as a guideline to managing you anger (or other extreme emotions). It
gives a framework to guide you:
 STOPP Technique
Stop
Don’t act immediately. Wait!

Take a Breath
Slowly breathe in and out a couple of times.

Observe
What am I thinking about?
What am I focusing on?
What am I reacting to?
What am I feeling in my body?

Pull Back
Zoom out! See the bigger picture.
Is this fact or opinion?
Is there another way of looking at this?
How important is this situation right now?

Practice what Works

Consider the consequences.
What’s the BEST thing to do?

1. “Stop, Calm yourself down and take a breath”:

Thoughts:
1. Being mindful – focus on your senses, what do you see, smell, hear, taste and touch.
2. Counting – slowly from 1 – 50.
3. Distraction.
4. Use self-instruction (talk out loud to yourself if need be).
5. Imagery – picture your happy place/place of relaxation.
6. Traffic light sequence.
7. Think of a funny picture.

Body:
1. Breathing – slow and steady breaths, inhale through your nose and out through your
mouth.
2. Use relaxation tape/app.
3. Gentle rhythmical movement to music.

Behaviour:
 1. Move away from others.
2. Put hands by your side or in your pockets.
3. Stretch your body and break the tension.
4. Stretch out your arms, legs and fingers if sitting.
5. Get a cold drink.
6. Exercise – running, walking briskly, punching a punchbag, doing sit-ups.
7. Cushion bashing.
8. Music – listen to uplifting songs.
9. Humour – laugh at yourself or the situation.
10. Scream – not at the other person but in a contained space.
11. Pray/meditate/yoga – find the calm space within yourself.
12. Art – draw, play an instrument, drama, or dance.
13. Writing – reduce stress by writing thoughts/feelings down, create clarity.
14. Find someone to speak to.

2. Once calm, “OBSERVE AND PULL BACK” as you think through the trigger using your wise
mind:
Our wise mind helps us to make sense of our thoughts and feelings, and to come up with a
balanced and wise response, which satisfies our rational thoughts but also soothes our emotional
mind. It therefore reduces our distress and helps make us more effective. Usually quietly calm, its
that wise inner part of us that just ‘knows’ what is true or valid. The wise mind is therefore the
part of our mind where our emotional and reasonable minds merge together.
Emotional Mind Wise Mind Reasonable Mind
 Thinking and behaviour  Integrates emotion and  Intellectual, scientific.
controlled by emotional reason.  Logical and rational
state.  Adds intuitive knowing to thinking.
 Thoughts are unhelpful and emotional distress and  Factual thinking, based on
distressing. logical analysis. evidence.
 Difficult to think logically  The calm that follows a  Able to plan how to
and rationally. storm. respond.
 Facts are distorted to fit  Sees or knows something  Focuses attention.
with current distress. directly and clearly.  Cool in approaching
 Emotion drives opinion.  Grasps the bigger picture problems.
 Strong emotions drive rather than just parts.
strong behaviour.  What is the most effective
skill to use?
3. The helicopter view can also assist you in considering the way forward in dealing with your
trigger:
When something is distressing you, you’re so close to it, involved with it, part of it – it’s really
hard to stand back from what’s happening. You see the close-up view, but you can’t see anything
else. It’s like the well-known saying: “We can’t see the wood for the trees”. If you could zoom
out your view, like a helicopter hovering above, you’d be able to see the bigger picture. You
could stand back, be less emotionally involved, and see a different perspective.

2. Self 3. Others
What am I reacting to? What does this situation mean What would this look like to others involved?
to me?

1. Situation
STOPP!
Take a breath!
What's the bigger picture?

4. Outsider 5. Wise Mind

How would this seem to someone outside of the What would be the best thing to do - for me, for others,
situation/not emotionally involved? for this situation?

4. Once you have calmed down, you now need to express yourself:
Appreciate that you have a right to your feelings and to your anger. Remind yourself of your
rights to anger so as not to just ignore it and bottle it up. Use these rights to assist in
expressing yourself:
My assertive anger rights:
 I have a right to feel angry when I am frustrated.
 I have a right to feel angry when I am hurt.
 I have a right to feel angry when I am attacked.
 I have a right to feel angry when I am oppressed.
 I have a right to feel angry when I am exploited.
 I have a right to feel angry when I am manipulated.
 I have a right to feel angry when I am cheated.
 I have a right to feel angry when my needs are ignored.
 I have a right a right to feel angry when I am let down.
 I have a right to feel angry when I am rejected.
  I have a right to feel angry when my health, welfare, happiness, or peace are
threatened.
 I have a right to feel angry when my survival is threatened.
 I have a right to feel angry when I see other people’s rights being abused or
threatened.
 I have a right to feel angry when I see anything which I value being damaged or
abused.
 I have a right to feel angry when I lose someone or something which I value.
 I have a right to express my anger safely and assertively.
 I have a right to choose not to express my anger and to accept responsibility for any
consequences of my choice.
 I have a right to encourage others to express their anger safely and assertively.
 I have a right to protect myself from the passive or aggressive anger of others.

Steps to consider when expressing yourself to another person:

1. Communication – express feelings, be honest, open, relate.
2. Be assertive – change passive and aggressive responses, don’t be sarcastic.
3. Learn to give and receive criticism.
4. Change your interpretation – more positive, more realistic.
5. Don’t get stuck in the victim role.
6. Take responsibility for own behaviour.
7. Problem solve.