Aaron Sample VCE Essay

Moving away from familiar landscapes often causes pain and a sense of loss.
This is true but sometimes circumstances deny this reaction.
Other factors may come into play, such as war, poverty, oppression, discomfort and
alienation.
In “Island”, Angus in “The Return” returned after 10 years to his hometown; cries
after hearing familiar music etc. “The Boat” – the narrator left his homeland at the age
of 18 – oldest son of family – even after decades living in another city, he felt a
connection to his homeland and felt a deep sense of guilt for leaving his family and
the place where he belonged.
Personal experience, when just arrived in Australia, wasn’t familiar and felt alien in a
world that didn’t belong to me – felt a sense of pain and a sense of loss of my familiar
surroundings. Applying to uni in Sydney, felt a sense of horror at the idea of leaving
Melbourne, which has become a familiar landscape to me.
It cannot be denied that a sense of insecurity and pain will surface when an individual
leaves their familiar landscape. However on the other hand, factors such as war,
poverty, discomfort and alienation in certain environment may force individuals to
move away, whilst at the same time perhaps nullifying any sense of pain and loss.
Maya Angelou, famous poet, memoirist and actress, once said: “I long, as does every
human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.” She understood the importance
of belonging to a familiar landscape that can give an individual the sense of security
and warmth that one needs to function. By acknowledging that there is a direct link
between the external landscape and the internal self, moving to a new landscape may
cause individuals to lose their old self whilst not being able to gain a new self. This is
where a certain fear can be derived. In addition, alienation and loneliness causes
individuals to feel pain as they are rejected by the new environment.
Individuals develop a unique paradigm based on the certain environment in which

they grow up. One’s values or, the internal world, are based on the perception of the
surrounding landscape. Thus, moving away from one’s familiar landscape may lead
one to lose a sense of security and familiarity that leads one to feel a sense of
loneliness. Sometimes, one is too attached to their paradigm and refused to assimilate
into the new environment. Other times, one who is deemed as different may be
refused by others in an unfamiliar landscape. In this way, one will feel as though they
are not accepted by the new environment and will develop a fear of loneliness.
Alistair Macleod reveals in his novel, The Boat, a vivid picture of how such loneliness
can torture an individual and thus, force them to fit into the new landscape. The son in
the story who has “planned” to escape his homeland on the day he turns 18. Ironically,
he finds out how uncomfortable it is to leave behind his own homeland even though
he saw it as his “prison”. Similarly, I too can identify such loneliness that once
hindered myself. (where is the evidence? Linking sentence links the ideas. This
sentence belongs at the start of your next paragraph.)
2 years ago, the moment I first stepped out of the plane and took my first step in
Australia, a suddenly realisation came over me that all my excitement vanished,
replaced by a sense of insecurity in my torturous mind. People spoke a language that
was alien to me, and it intimidated and isolated me. This was the first time I felt that I
was “foolishly alone”. After hanging up the phone to my parents, I just felt as tho I
lost control of myself and started to cry (this might not be appropriate for an essay). I
was so afraid to be alone. At the same time, I was so nervous towards the new life
impending.
I can still remember how I was worried about how I can successfully assimilate into
this new place. Sometimes, individuals are so timid, it becomes hard to give up the
old self and try to boldly gain a new self in a new landscape. Individuals are already
used to a certain way of life, it is extremely hard for one to abandon the past and try to
find a new place for oneself in a new environment (a bit too similar to the sentence
above it). Therefore, this kind of friction impedes individuals from being more
assimilated and discovering their now position. For me, the process of adjust myself
was excruciatingly difficult, perhaps because I have never been away from my home
without my parents, away from my familiar landscape. I once faltered and refused to
get connected with the outer world, though eventually I again found a place in which I
belong in my new surrounding.
Nevertheless [on the other hand] (“Nevertheless” and “on the other hand” mean
OPPOSITE things. NEVER use them together like this. Decide which one is the
appropriate one to use), when one was faces a threat that deprives them of their sense
of security in their homeland such as war, poverty, oppression and persecution, would
they still be in such fear to leave? As I see it, people in such situations wish to move
away, even though they are so attached to their homeland, but when there is no
tomorrow for them, how can they stay where they face death and lack hope? In such
situations, staying causes more fear then moving away. Perhaps individuals feel an
urgent need to move away under these certain circumstances. Refugees from
Afghanistan, Sudan can live a much safer and fulfilling life here in Australia, rather
than to live a life of war and starvation back in their homeland. Perhaps in their view,
moving to Australia is more delight than sadness; at least they have no consideration
of being shot by someone (please revise, sounds a bit elementary).
Therefore, moving away from familiar landscape does have such strong influence on
certain individuals. A sense of loss and fear can easily be produced by an unfamiliar
environment. Observing that there is such a strong link between the internal and
external world of individuals (please do not use my words if they appear in the
introduction of the same essay! =P), when there is greater fear in the external than the
internal self, individuals do not feel the same pain when they leave a familiar place
behind. Whereas most people including me, having such strong feelings to our
homeland, will more or less become frightened when tearing up with what has already
became a part of us (do not finish with an anecdote; finish with a strong observation
that backs up your contention).
Red means I changed the grammar/syntax/vocabulary

Blue means there needs to be change, but I want you to do it yourself. I have stated
the reason the phrase/sentence is in blue in brackets at the end.
Green means something outstanding that I really liked
Main problems:
- You are not following the ‘hourglass model’ because you are not returning to
broad discussion at the end of your body paragraphs
- “Though” not “tho”
- You need to substantiate your body paragraphs and be more careful with the way
in which you use personal experience (refer to last point)
- Your conclusion needs to be more exciting and BROAD, not filled with evidence
- RELATE ALL IDEAS TO THE PROMPT!
GOOD JOB!
Yang

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Moving away from familiar landscapes often causes pain and a sense of loss.

This is true but sometimes circumstances deny this reaction.

Individuals develop a unique paradigm based on the certain environment in which

Red means I changed the grammar/syntax/vocabulary

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