Transformation Workbook ADA

The Complete Guide to
TOTAL
TRANSFORMATION
Workbook
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Table of Contents
LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN ........................................................................................3
What Is Holding You Back from Creating Lasting Change? ..........................................3
The 6 Human Needs ........................................................................................................4
It’s Breakthrough Time! Breaking the Change Cycle .....................................................7
YOUR HERO’S JOURNEY............................................................................................9
Your Hero’s Journey Activity .........................................................................................9
WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT? .............................................................................17
Identifying What You REALLY Want..........................................................................17
The Wheel of Life: Identifying What Areas Need Your Attention ...............................22
WHO DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE?...................................................................26
Identity Check-In: Who You Truly Are vs. Who You Are Being.................................26
Identity: Archetypes ......................................................................................................29
Become Who You Were Meant to Be (Your Life Purpose)..........................................32
Becoming Your Best Self—How Would I Need to Think and Behave?.......................33
Developing a Mindset of Success (Growth Mindset) ...................................................35
Mindset Assessment ......................................................................................................35
Developing a Growth Mindset Part 1: Awareness.........................................................37
Developing a Growth Mindset Part 2: Perspective........................................................40
Developing a Growth Mindset Part 3: Action ...............................................................42
SELF-MASTERY: TRANSFORMING FROM WITHIN...........................................44
The 3 Irrational Beliefs at the Core of Your Suffering..................................................44
Questioning Beliefs and Excuses...................................................................................46
Changing Beliefs (The Table Leg Method)...................................................................50
Developing Awareness of Emotions .............................................................................53
Affirmations and Incantations .......................................................................................56
Reframing Your Thoughts.............................................................................................57
PREPARING TO SUCCEED .......................................................................................59
Identifying Possible Roadblocks ...................................................................................59
2: Willpower, Cues & Triggers .....................................................................................61
The 3 R’s of Habit Change ............................................................................................63
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF CREATING CHANGE ......................................................64
Developing Change Confidence: The Change Resume.................................................64
Quality vs. Safe Problems .............................................................................................66
The Power of Pain and Pleasure ....................................................................................67
The Power of Forgiveness .............................................................................................68
Putting the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First ..................................................................71
Overcoming Indecision, Autopilot and Being Stuck .....................................................72
Empowering Your Vision of the Hero’s Journey ..........................................................75
CREATING CHANGE—THE PRACTICAL STEPS .................................................77
Identifying What It Will Take AND Getting on the Bridge ..........................................77
Setting Long-Term Goals ..............................................................................................81
SMART Goals ...............................................................................................................82
Drive: Why do you want it?...........................................................................................83
Monthly Milestones .......................................................................................................84
60-Day Plan ...................................................................................................................87
Weekly and Daily Planning ...........................................................................................89
THE JOURNEY CONTINUES ....................................................................................91
Symbolism & Ceremony ...............................................................................................91
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Let the Journey Begin
What Is Holding You Back from Creating Lasting Change?
Even when faced with a life-threatening situation, people tend to resist change, despite
knowing the repercussions. Why?
First, even bad habits are rewarding. Second, our brains are wired with an error alert system
that sees new experiences as a threat, causing anxiety and fear in an attempt at stopping us from
moving forward.
Because of our programming, there are several specific obstacles that can get in the way of
deliberate change. Which of these do you feel hold you back?
• Fear of Rejection/Judgment/Being Different: This is ultimately the need for approval.
• Fear of Uncertainty/Discomfort: We are hard-wired to seek comfort and certainty, and
avoid failure.
• Stuck in Habits/Patterns: We are creatures of habit who value routine.
• Overwhelm: The tendency to suffer from disorganization, lack of clarity, and
catastrophic thinking.
• Confidence and Self-efficacy: The lack in belief in their abilities or inability to trust
themselves.
• Fear of Disappointment/Failure: Lack of faith that it will work out and fear of not
meeting our own expectations, or others not meeting our expectations.
• Fear of Unintended Consequences: Change begets change. When one area of life is
changed, it impacts other areas. Sometimes it requires other changes, and those changes
may be scary or unpleasant. Sometimes changes impact other people and it can be hard
and emotional straining to handle their reaction.
• Lack of Clarity/Motivation: The tendency for people not to know what they want or
why they want it.
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The 6 Human Needs
At the core, our decisions and behaviors are driven by underlying needs and our beliefs about
how these needs must be met. The 6 human needs are a powerful psychological framework,
created by therapist Cloé Madanes and popularized by Anthony Robbins’ strategic intervention
strategies. These core needs are at the root of our motivations and why we prioritize certain
decisions and actions, often without our awareness. Each person values one or more of these
needs more than the others. Which need is your primary driver is a huge determining factor for
how you live your life.
The 6 human needs are:
1. Certainty/comfort
2. Uncertainty/variety
3. Significance
4. Love and connection
5. Growth
6. Contribution
The first four needs are called the needs of the personality. These four needs are things that we
always find ways to meet them—they are vital. The last two are called the needs of the spirit and
are needs not always met. In most cases, the first four needs must be met before a person is able
to start to value and focus on meeting the last 2 needs. However, when we meet those higher-
level needs is when we truly feel fulfilled. Explore which of these needs is your top priority.
There may be 2 that stand out as more important to you than the others.
Need 1: Certainty/Comfort
At our core we want to feel that we are in control of our reality. This feeling gives us security.
This allows us to feel comfortable in our life to feel that we can avoid pain and create pleasure.
At the core this is just a survival mechanism that we have. Certainty makes us feel safe,
emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Depending on how much we value certainty will
depend how much risk we take in life. You probably have met people on both ends of the
spectrum—those who want to control every single detail in their life and those that crave
uncertainty. The extreme need for certainty, however, will hold you back because all growth and
change requires uncertainty.
Need 2: Uncertainty/Variety
The second one is uncertainty. Yes, it’s the opposite of the first one. Think about it—what would
happen if you always knew everything that would happen to you? You would probably be bored
to death. So, uncertainty brings excitement and spice to life. The level of uncertainty that you are
willing and able to live with determines how much and how fast you will change. Keep in mind
that being able to deal with uncertainty is also a skill that can be developed, as you become more
confident that you can deal with change. Also, as you start associating uncertainty and change
with something that create happiness and helps you achieve your dreams, your desire for
certainty will increase.
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Need 3: Significance
Think about it, we all want to feel like we are special. We want to feel like we are important,
needed and unique. There are a variety of ways that we can get significance. For example, you
can get it by feeling like you are the best at something, by making a lot of money, having the best
house in your neighborhood, by buying the latest thing, getting a master’s degree or a doctorate,
by becoming a social influencer, by being the best dad, having a bunch of tattoos, you can even
be that person that has more problems that anyone else, the most intimidating, or even the most
spiritual person. As you can see that there are endless ways to feel significant. People will go to
great lengths to feel significant in their life.
Need 4: Love & Connection
The next need is Love and Connection. Whether we realize it or not, love is that thing that we
need more than anything. When we love 100% we feel alive and it is a powerful force. For love,
many people are willing to do extortionary things for others, whether it’s the love that a parent
has for a child or the love of a romantic relationship. However, if we don’t feel like we can get
love, we settle for connection—even if these connections do not serve us. There are a lot of ways
to get connection, whether it is through a friendship, a pet or even connecting to nature. Less-
constructive ways of getting connection are through social media, sacrificing our authenticity to
conform to a group, or people pleasing.
Need 5: Growth
The next one is the need for growth. Think about it if you’re not growing in an area of your life,
then that area is dying. This can be your relationship, your business, or an aspect of your
personal life. If you are not growing than it does not matter what you are creating in your
exterior world. That need for certainty can hold you back from growth, leading you to feel empty
and not be able to feel true fulfillment. Growth can be scary because it can have uncertainty for
some, but it brings fulfillment.
Need 6: Contribution
The last one is contribution and its one that many people reflect on in the later stages of life, as
we look at our legacy. Contribution is like a higher level of the need for significance, the
difference being that it’s no longer about you. However, contribution is the essence of life. Life
is not about me… it’s about us. We are social creatures and we have a natural need to feel that
we have a higher purpose and that our life has meaning. The way we find that is to contribution
to others. In fact, the feeling that we are contributing to others can helps us overcome the biggest
changes if we think it has a purpose. Life therefore is about creating meaning, and that comes
from giving.
So, which need a person values most, and which ones they are starving to meet, will influence
the choices that they make in life.
The power of identifying your own hierarchy of needs (which one/s are most important to you) is
that you can then reflect to see if you’re meeting your needs in constructive ways. (And, if not,
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consciously choose more constructive ways of meeting your needs.) In most cases, the lower
level needs HAVE to be met in order for a person to turn their attention to the higher level needs.
Constructive ways of meeting these needs:
• Certainty: You can have certainty by having a daily routine or having a community
around you that is supportive no matter what’s happening in your life.
• Variety: You can have variety by adding diverse experiences to your life. You can also
try new things and learn new skills.
• Significance: You can meet the need of significance by using your talents and skills. You
can also master a skill and share your skills with others.
• Love/Connection: You can meet this need by establishing lifelong friendships spending
more time with likeminded people, as well as improving your relationship skills.
• Growth: You can meet the need for growth by constantly learning. For example, reading
new books, watching YouTube videos, or following others that help you grow. You can
also surround yourself with people that motivate you and challenge you to become a
better person.
• Contribution: You can meet the need of contribution by sharing your talents and
passions with others. You can also engage in causes that are meaningful to you.
So, ask yourself:
• Which needs are the most important to you?
• How do you currently meet these needs?
• Which area of need are you currently struggling with the most?
• In what way do you feel like your need is not being met?
• What do you believe is necessary for your need to be met?
• How can you meet these needs in a way that will help you truly be fulfilled?
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It’s Breakthrough Time! Breaking the Change Cycle
Most people find deliberate change to be a difficult process. Many well-intentioned people have
changes they want to make in their lives, but they get stuck repeating the same “change cycle”
over and over again. Below you’ll find this common cycle, and you’ll most likely find it to sound
oddly familiar because most people experience this process of inspiration and resistance when
they face a decision to change.
Where are you stuck in the change cycle?
1. Discontent—You grow increasingly unhappy and discontent with an area of your life.
You “hang in there,” tolerate, ignore, repress, or otherwise deal with the circumstance
because it is comfortable and familiar, and you fear change.
2. Breaking Point—Eventually your level of discontent builds high enough that you
cannot take it anymore. You reach a “breaking point,” either through exhaustion or due
to a dramatic event occurring that triggers the break.
3. Decision—You decide you’re ready to change and declare that you will no longer
tolerate the undesirable situation. You take the first step toward change, giving you a
short-lived sense of hope.
4. Fear—Usually, shortly (or immediately) after your feelings of empowerment, you
encounter your fear. You become uncomfortable and anxious about the idea of changing.
You doubt your decision. Both options look bleak. You feel helpless, empty.
5. Amnesia—The fear of change grows strong enough that it makes the original situation
look much better than you originally thought. You perceive the original situation as less
anxiety-producing than the change. You’re used to it; it’s comfortable; it’s familiar. Plus,
it has become part of your identity, so you resist letting it go. You temporarily forget
why you wanted to change it so badly.
6. Backtracking—Most people choose to go back to or stick with the item they wished to
change. You essentially talk yourself out of changing.
Which method do you want to use to break the cycle?
1. Extreme Pain: You have a breaking point that is severe enough to push through the
change cycle. For many people, unfortunately, it takes an extreme circumstance to push
them to evolve, such as major financial loss, job loss, loss of a loved one, the ending of a
relationship, a severe accident, or a nervous breakdown. You see, your Higher Self
knows what you truly want and will lead you to it. If you resist changing long enough,
something will happen in your life that will put you in a position where you have NO
CHOICE but to change.
2. Self-Honesty: You have the humbling experience of realizing that there’s a part of you
that doesn’t really want to change. You are comfortable with your habits, with what you
know. You have a lot of fear that holds you back. You have many self-limiting beliefs.
You receive some sort of benefit from staying where you are. You are unhappy because
you want to be unhappy. You are addicted to the situation. You believe your pain is you;
it’s your story. You can see your resistance to letting it go. Only after reaching this level
of self-honesty can you truly choose to change.
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Self-Honesty Reflection
Can you see how this change cycle has impacted your life? How?
Are you ready for it to stop? __Yes __No
Have you experienced change amnesia before? If so, when?
What will happen if you continue NOT to change?
Are you ready to swallow the pill of self-honesty, even if it is hard, because you are tired of
being dissatisfied? __Yes __No
Are you ready to take responsibility for your life and create the life you dream of having?
__Yes __No
Are you at the point where you will accept nothing less than what you truly want? __Yes __No
In order to be able to break the cycle, you also need to understand the underlying reasons you’ve
been allowing yourself to keep avoiding change. If any of them apply to you, make a note of how
you feel.
• You don’t want to change.
• You don’t know what you want. (Try imagining what you would want if time, money,
and people did not limit you.)
• Your dream isn’t big enough. (What would you do ANYTHING to attain?)
• You’re letting your fear be bigger than you. (Are you really willing to settle?)
• You are attached to your problem. (What would you talk about without it? Who would
you be?)
• You’re benefiting from your problem. (What are you holding onto? How does it benefit
you to NOT change?)
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YOUR HERO’S JOURNEY
Your Hero’s Journey Activity
Look at the 12 steps of the hero’s journey and how it relates to your own life. There are no right
or wrong answers here. Simply reflect on each step and check in with yourself to see what
experiences from your own life you can relate to that stage of the journey. You may have
experienced more than one journey in your lifetime. Every time there is a calling—a problem
that pulls you to face a challenge or change—the hero (you) is being beckoned to a new
adventure. You can go through this activity imagining it starting early in your life and addressing
the first big challenge you faced, or you can address the most recent challenge—the one you
might be experiencing right now. And in the end, your answers to the questions about your
experiences within each stage may not fit together chronologically. The story might not unfold
like a movie. In fact, it probably won’t. But that’s not the point. The point is that by looking at
your life this way, you will be able to see that you, too, are on the path of a hero. You, too, will
transform and fulfill your destiny. Trust the journey.
Step 1: Ordinary Life
Most of the time, the hero starts out living a normal, every-day life. Everything is familiar,
comfortable. They feel uneasy, uncomfortable, dissatisfied. Then, something happens that wakes
them up to the fact that something is wrong.
In your life, what were the first stirrings of dissatisfaction or unease? What happened to wake
you up to the need for change?
Step 2: The Call
Depending on the hero, the problem could be external—such as a catastrophe happening in the
world around them. For others, the problem is internal, such as becoming aware of a deep
dissatisfaction with some aspect of life. After being exposed to this information, the hero feels
called to do something about it. The hero is challenged to take action and step into the unknown.
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In your life, what are you feeling called to do? Remember, this could be a calling that already
happened or that is happening now. (This could be many different things: advance your career,
pursue a passion, improve your health, change a relationship, start a business, support a cause,
etc.)
Step 3: Refusal of the Call
Often, at first the hero fails to answer the call. They are afraid of what it will take. They don’t
think they can do it. They think it will be to hard. They feel insecure, inadequate. Their familiar
life of comfort calls them to resist this new adventure. They hesitate. But, they become
increasingly aware that there are real consequences if they do not act. Something meaningful will
be lost.
In your life, what fears or resistance did you experience after becoming aware of the problem
that is/was calling you to action? What additional situations or information were you presented
with that further helped you see what was at stake? What are/were you going to lose?
Step 4: The Guide
In most stories, the hero meets a guide, a mentor, or a helper that provides vital advice and points
them in the right direction. The timing of the appearance of the guide varies, and so if the hero
refuses the call, often a helper of some type appears to nudge them into answering the call.
Sometimes the guide continues to return to the hero to help them move along their journey,
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however the guide never “saves” the hero or do anything for them. The hero does not need to be
saved. But, at the same time, the hero never does it all alone.
In your life, who have been your guides? You can list all people who have influenced you,
including mentors who do not know that you see them as a guide, such as authors of books you
read. However, make sure to identify what guidance you have received that SPECIFICALLY
relates to this story. Throughout the rest of the steps in the journey, make a note any time a guide
(the same guide or new ones) provides additional advice or direction.
Step 5: The Threshold
This is the pivotal moment when the hero officially leaves the ordinary world and steps into the
journey in a way that they cannot turn back. This is the decision point. This is when the hero
begins their quest!
In your life, what decision point have you experienced? (Are you there now?) What IS the
threshold—the pivotal moment? Imagine you stepped from your old life into your new life—
what would be that actual step? (This could be an internal decision, a public commitment, a
phone call, physically going some place, making a purchase, enrolling in something, something
symbolic, etc.) Also, what exactly IS your quest, your journey? What would you call it? Give it a
name.
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Step 6: The Road of Trails
The entire purpose of a quest is for the hero to learn, grow, and, well, become the hero. In order
for this to happen, there are inevitably obstacles to overcome, challenges to meet, and tests of
strength of will. The hero will learn the rules of this new world. There will be moments of
victory and moments of defeat. The hero will meet allies who help them face their foes. This is
the action and adventure part of the story that keeps people engaged, wanting to know more. If
the hero just went right from the decision to the victory, no one would watch. And it wouldn’t
make for a very fulfilling real-life story either. There is always more meaning in the underdog
story, right?
In your life, what obstacles or challenges have you faced (or are you facing)? How has your
strength of commitment and will been tested? What are the rules of this new world? How are
they different from your old life? What victories have you had? In what ways have you failed?
Who are your allies? Your enemies?
Step 7: The Approach of the Innermost Cave
This is the turning point, when the hero finally goes all-in. They reach the point when they are
100% certain what must be done. They are ready to accept the risks and the possibility of failure.
This second decision point happens when the hero approaches the innermost cave. This next
threshold can be something literal, such as having to enter the cave which contains what the hero
fears most or the ultimate challenge the hero must face. It can also be entering into the hero’s
darkest places, their inner conflict, their demons. The hero prepares to face the one, big thing that
they have been putting off. Often the hero rests briefly to reflect on the journey, summons the
courage to face the treacherous road that awaits. Tension escalates in anticipation of the ultimate
test.
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In your life, what is the innermost cave? What is the one, big challenge? What decision must you
make? If you find yourself at this point now, this is the perfect time to be reflecting on your
journey, which gives you the courage to see how far you’ve come and that your life has been
preparing you for this moment. You are ready. How are you feeling? If you were the guide, what
would you tell the hero at this moment?
Step 8: The Ordeal
This is the ultimate test. In movies, this part is called the climax—it’s the peak of the action. The
hero must face their greatest fear or face their most terrifying foe. One way or another, the hero
must face death, whether literal or figurative. The hero uses the skills and experiences they
picked up along their journey through the challenges and their innermost cave in order to face
this final challenge. It’s the hero’s moment of truth. Everything is put on the line and the hero
moves forward knowing nothing will ever be the same. It can’t, this must be done. And looking
back, it is obvious that this moment was inevitable.
In your life, what is the “death” you will face? (The fear, the situation, or the foe.) What skills
and experiences have you picked up along your journey that will serve you now? What, exactly,
must you do? Can you see that your entire life has been leading up to this moment?
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Step 9: The Transformation and Reward
The hero defeated the enemy, survived, overcame. But more than anything, the hero transformed,
like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Out of the ashes of death rises a phoenix of symbolic
rebirth. The hero receives a reward in some from, whether it is recognition, power, wisdom,
reconciliation, a treasure, but in the end, no matter the price, the true reward is always the glory
of personal transformation itself. The real change is internal.
In your life, what will this transformation look like? How will you feel? What will be different?
How will you be different? What reward will you enjoy? Why will it all have been worth it?
Step 10: The Road Back
The hero cannot relax and enjoy the thrill of victory for long. The hero feels another call—to
return home—to share the spoils of the reward or bring what was learned to those they care
about. The journey is not over. With reward in hand and transformation in heart, the hero charts
the path back. But the road can be filled with additional risks and dangers. A villain may appear
who seeks to steal the reward. Unresolved issues must be dealt with. The hero may face their
shadow. These additional roadblocks challenge the hero to internalize what they’ve learned and
prove to themselves that they have, in fact, changed for good. It is in this stage of the journey
that the quest is won, or lost.
In your life, what does “returning home” represent? How are you going to use what you have
learned or accomplished? Who will you help or what will you do with it? At this point, what
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unresolved issues do you anticipate having to face? What other obstacles do you anticipate will
pop-up in response to your transformation? What shadows may be lurking?
Step 11: Rebirth
This is the moment the hero crosses the final threshold—the final test of the hero’s true growth.
The hero is tested for the final time—it is their moment to demonstrate their mastery and step
into their power. This battle pushes the hero to defeat their limitations and release their old self,
once and for all. They return home a hero.
In your life, after transforming, defeating your foes or reaching your goals, what final battle may
you need to face? Is there another step in this journey that you need to take in order to fully be
able to feel as though you are “home” and able to integrate everything you’ve learned in your
life? What would it take to embrace your new self, 100%?
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Step 12: Return with the Elixir
When the hero returns to his ordinary world, a changed person, they will have something to share
with those back home. This could be a solution to a problem, a new perspective of life, a
resource, or some sort of resolution with key players. Sometimes the hero faces doubters or is
even punished for the journey. But, in the end, the hero always shares what they’ve learned or
acquired with those who they did it all for. That is, after all, what makes them a hero.
In your life, what is the elixir you are bringing back with you from your journey? Who are you
going to share it with? How are you going to pay forward what you learned? What difference are
you going to make in the world? Will there be any haters or doubters? If so, how can you remind
yourself that you didn’t do it for them, you did it because it was your destiny to be the hero of
your own life.
Regardless of where you find yourself along your personal adventure, the hero’s journey shows
you that you are always exactly where you are supposed to be. All you need to do is take the next
step.
And as your journey continues to unfold, remember that it’s not about avoiding problems, it’s
about what you learn while overcoming them. It’s not about perfection, it’s about progress. It’s
not about becoming famous or popular, it’s about becoming YOU. And it’s not just about you,
also about how you use your life experience to make a greater impact.
Journey on.
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What Do You Really Want?
Identifying What You REALLY Want
So, what do you want? If you’re like most people, this is surprisingly difficult to answer. Most
people are so inundated with messages from their parents, peers, and society of what they
“should” want that their true desires are drowned out. Plus, even if they’ve held dreams and
desires in the past, their life experiences have lead them to believe that what they want is not
possible, and so they stop allowing themselves to want it. They tell themselves “I can’t have
that” and it hurts to want something they cannot have, and so they stop thinking about it. They
give it up. They settle.
But, the good news is that dreams can never die—deep down you know what you want. It tugs at
you from within, but you may be so used to ignoring it that you no longer notice.
Forgotten Dreams
What do you REALLY want? Answer this without allowing other people’s opinions or beliefs
limit you. Answer this without thinking about limitations—imagine for a moment that money is
not an issue and that whatever that is currently blocking you is magically taken care of.
What are things you wanted, desired or dreamed about that at some point you decided you
could NOT have and so stopped wanting them? This could have been in childhood or
adulthood. You may not have allowed yourself to think about these desires in a long time. For
each one, ask yourself if this is something that you STILL want. If not, cross it out and let it go.
Circle any desires that you feel a strong emotional reaction to when you think about them.
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Identifying What You Do NOT Want
For many people it’s easier to identify what they do NOT want than what they DO want. When
asked what they want, many people respond “not this!” So, to start, simply make a list of the
things you know for sure you do NOT want in your life. These can be things that USED to be in
your life that you never want to experience again. They can be things CURRENTLY in your life
that you would like to stop. They can be things you are simply certain you never want in your
FUTURE.
Once you know what you do NOT want, it will help you identify what you DO want. Ask
yourself, “What is the opposite of what I don’t want?” or “If I know I do NOT want ______,
then it means that I do want _______.”
I do NOT want: I DO want:
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Getting More Specific
You have determined some things you want and don’t want. You have determined the roles,
beliefs and ego states that have influenced your life story and the new perspectives you can now
take of them. Now, it is time to delve into greater detail about what you WANT your life to be.
You can always add to this activity later, as you learn more about your desires. Later you will
rewrite the story itself, but here you are asking yourself what you want in your life and why.
AREA WHAT DO I WANT? WHY DO I WANT IT?

Home
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Partner/
Relationship
Family
Career
Leisure
Money
Health
Other
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“Yes, I want more of this!”
Once you begin asking yourself about what you want, you’ll find yourself noticing more and
more things that make you think, “yes, I want this!” It’s okay if you’re still not sure what you
want. Allow your desire to grow over time. Throughout your day, simply notice whether you like
or dislike certain things, people, situations or experiences.
Say, “Yes, I want more of this!” to the things you like.
Say, “No, thank you.” to the things you do not like. Saying “thank you” acknowledges that you
appreciate the ability to identify what you don’t want because it helps you know more clearly
what you DO want.
Digging Deeper into “Why”
Now we’re going to ask you to dig deeper into the answers you provided in the “why” column.
This is important because only if you have a big enough reason will you be committed to
creating lasting change. And, the only way your reason to change your life will be big enough is
if you understand your core reasons. Below is an example that will help illustrate the point.
A student in one of our classes once told us, "I can't wait to go home and start using these
efficiency techniques to make my work more effective and productive" And so we asked, "Well,
why do you want to be more productive?" The student said that it would help her to get a
promotion at work. We asked her why she would want a promotion and she said “So I can get a
raise.” So we asked again, “Why do you want a raise” and she said “Because I need the money
to buy a larger home". So we asked “Why?” and she says because I want my mother and sister
to move in with me". “Why?” "Because it has been our dream to own a big house together and
live together as a family."
To which we responded, "Good, NOW you have identified what you really want. It's a large
house with your family living with you. You don't really want to be more efficient. What you want
is the experience of having your family living with you."
Look at the reasons you wrote for “why” and ask yourself the following questions:
Why does this matter to you?
Why?
How would it make you feel?
What would happen if I didn’t have, do, or be this?
Why does that matter?
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Why?
Keep probing and asking yourself until you get to the core of the issue.
In some cases, you will find that your deeper motive is a specific desire, like in the example
above. However, often the core motivation beneath your desire is actually an emotional state that
you wish to experience. In fact, everything we want is because we believe it will make us feel the
way we desire: good, or at least better.
Get Other People Out of Your Head
Lastly, consider if any of the things you “want” are truly only because you think you “should”
want them. It’s easy to unknowingly adopt other people’s dreams. Get other people’s voices and
beliefs out of your head… then take a final look at your desires and confirm that this is TRULY
what you want. Would anything change if you took other people’s opinions and “shoulds” out of
your desires?
The Wheel of Life: Identifying What Areas Need Your Attention

The Wheel is a simple but powerful tool designed to help you get a graphical representation of
the present balance between different areas regarding your life and business which will most
benefit you by improving.
The eight sections in the Wheel of Life represent different aspects of your life. Seeing the center
of the wheel as 1 and the outer edges as 10, rank your level of satisfaction with each life area by
filling in that piece of the pie to that level.
You can use the 8 categories in this sample or determine the 6 to 12 most important categories in
your life and business to create your own wheel.
Use the following questions to help you determine how you would rate each life area on a scale
of 1 to 10.
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Career (Business) Money
Is my business rewarding? Do I earn enough through my business?
Does it reflect my values? Am I happy with how I spend it?
Do I feel balanced, in control, and happy with Am I on a path to financial freedom?
my time, responsibilities, etc?
Health Significant other/ Romance
Am I generally fit and well? Do I have/want a good relationship?
Do I eat healthily? Do we share values and intimacy?
Do I exercise regularly? Am I nurturing the relationship and giving it
the attention it needs?
Friends and Family Personal Growth
Do I have/want a close circle of friends? Am I continually learning new things?
Do I spend enough time with family and friends? Do I enjoy new opportunities for growth?
Do I value the relationship we have with each Are the things I do growing me as a person?
other?
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Fun and Recreation Physical Environment
Do I have fun often? Do I like the area in which I live?
Do I know how to relax? Is my home comfortable, tidy and warm?
Do I enjoy sports or have hobbies or take time Is my office conducive to productivity?
for myself?
Interpreting Your Wheel
If this were a real wheel, how bumpy would the ride be? In theory, what you are aiming for with
your completed wheel is to have all segments scored evenly (or close), above 7 and as near 10 as
possible. Because not all areas are EQUAL in priority to you, consider marking each with a
priority ranking of 1 (low) to 10 (high). Also, when determining how you rank each segment,
rank each by asking “how balanced and satisfied am I with this one area” rather than comparing
it to others. Remember, balanced does NOT mean EQUAL.
If you have any particularly low scores you will want to make those areas of your life a priority.
However, it’s not always cut and dry. It is necessary to investigate how they may interact with
each other in order to identify the area to address first.
Questions to Determine Goals
Use the following questions to dig deeper and uncover your desired outcomes and what you can
do to improve your balance.
• Have you ever been higher than the number you have recorded? __Yes __No
• What was actually happening when you were higher up the scale?
• Have you ever been lower than the number you have recorded? __Yes __No
• What did you do to move up the scale?
• What have you learnt from previously being lower on the scale?
• What number on the scale do you want to be?

• What exactly do you want?
• What actions can you take to start moving up the scale?
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• What will you be like when you have achieved this?
• What will be the impact of achieving this on other areas of your life?
• How will achieving this affect others close to you?
• What will achieving this bring you that you want?
• What will achieving this bring you that you don't want?
• What skills do you already have that will assist you in achieving this?
• What skills do you want to gain that will assist you in achieving this?
• Where can you learn these skills?
• What other options do you have?
• What would need to happen for you to move up one point on the scale by this time next
week?
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Who Do You Really Want to Be?
Identity Check-In: Who You Truly Are vs. Who You Are Being
If you imagine your life like a play, you would see that you play a character in this play. This
character is a ROLE that you are playing. In fact, the character has multiple roles that it plays.
Make a list of the roles you play in life. There are generally 2 categories: career and
relationships. You most likely play multiple roles in the “relationships” category, such as parent,
spouse, child, etc. You may play more than one role under the “career” category too, such as
“programmer” and “manager”.
Career
• What is your career? (Fireman, teacher, sales, programmer, etc.)
• What role do you play in that career? (employee, manager, entrepreneur, support-role,
problem-solver, etc)
• What are the traits, behaviors, and qualities of a person who is playing this role
“correctly”?
“incorrectly”?
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• How does how YOU act out this role compare to what you believe you “should” be
doing?
• Where did you learn how to play this role? Who taught or demonstrated this?
• Do you truly believe that the definition you have identified for this role is “correct”? If
not, how would you change it?
• Does it feel right for you to be playing this role the way you are playing it now? Does it
feel right to be playing this role AT ALL?
• How would you need to play the role differently in order for it to be in integrity with your
true self?
Relationships
• What roles do you play in your relationships? (father, mother, child, brother, sister,
grandparent, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, friend, neighbor, etc.) YOU WILL
WANT TO COMPLETE THE QUESTIONS BELOW FOR EACH OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT ROLES YOU IDENTIFY.
“correctly”?
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“incorrectly”?
• How does how YOU act out this role compare to what you believe you “should” be
doing?
• Where did you learn how to play this role? Who taught or demonstrated this?
• Do you truly believe that the definition you have identified for this role is “correct”? If
not, how would you change it?
• Does it feel right for you to be playing this role the way you are playing it now? Does it
feel right to be playing this role AT ALL?
• How would you need to play the role differently in order for it to be in integrity with your
true self?
Final Questions
• Who, if anyone, would be affected by you letting go of (or change) the roles that don’t
serve you?
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• What benefit do you get from maintain these roles the way they are?
• What benefits would you get from removing or changing them?
• Who you would be if the roles you don’t want to play anymore were to disappear?
Identity: Archetypes
The word “archetype” was coined by psychologist C. G. Jung and he believed they were
narrative patterns that exist within the human psyche. An archetype is the core of your
personality and is influenced both by your in-born nature and your life experiences. Below you
will find a simplified description of each archetype. You may find that more than one feels like it
represents a core part of your personality or identity, however there is usually one that makes
you feel “yes, this is me!”
Also, your core archetypes can change over your lifetime. Take note if you feel a certain
archetype represents who you WERE versus who you are NOW. Then, consider if you’re
hanging on to any of the beliefs from your old archetype, that no longer serve you now.
The Dreamer:
• Life is for: freedom and happiness

• Fear: being punished unfairly, being bad or wrong
• Strength: faith and optimism
• Weakness: naïve, defensive
• AKA: innocent, romantic, utopian, naïve
The Good Neighbor:
• Life is for: connecting to others, belonging

• Fear: being left out, different, standing out, rejected
• Strength: empathy, down to earth, peaceful
• Weakness: loses one’s own self, superficial
• AKA; good old boy/girl, silent majority
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The Hero:
• Life is for: proving one’s worth, courage

• Fear: weakness, vulnerability
• Strength: competence, courage, boundaries
• Weakness: arrogance, always battling, attracts people who need saving
• AKA: warrior, dragon slayer
The Caregiver:
• Life is for: protect, care for, rescue others

• Fear: selfishness and not being needed
• Strength: compassion and generosity
• Weakness: martyrdom, self-sacrifice, being exploited
• AKA: altruist, helper, saint, nurturer
The Explorer:
• Life is for: freedom to discover yourself through exploring

• Fear: getting trapped, conformity, emptiness
• Strength: autonomy, independence, ambition, integrity
• Weakness: aimless, lack of commitment
• AKA: seeker, wanderer, individualist
The Rebel:
• Life is for: breaking rules, revolution or revenge

• Fear: powerlessness or complacency
• Strength: outrageousness, radical freedom, disrupting status quo
• Weakness: crime, conflict, instability
• AKA: revolutionary, wild, outlaw
The Lover:
• Life is for: intimacy, connection, relationship and being attractive

• Fear: being alone, unwanted, unloved
• Strength: passion, appreciation, connection
• Weakness: people pleasing, losing self in others, dependency, attention seeking
• AKA: friend, team-builder
The Creator:
• Life is for: creating things of enduring value, making visions reality

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• Fear: mediocrity, settling, the status quo
• Strength: imagination, problem solving, action
• Weakness: perfectionism, impatience
• AKA: artist, inventor, innovator, dreamer
The Jester:
• Life is for: living in the moment

• Fear: being bored or boring others
• Strength: joy, levity, play
• Weakness: wasting time, irresponsibility
• AKA: the fool, practical joker, goof off
The Sage:
• Life is for: seeking the truth, growth

• Fear: ignorance, being duped or misled
• Strength: self-reflection, intellect, seeking knowledge
• Weakness: studying to excess with no action, over analyzing
• AKA: philosopher, advisor, thinker, teacher
The Visionary:
• Life is for: understanding the laws of the universe, making things happen
• Fear: unintended negative consequences
• Strength: following dreams, big picture, future vision, win-win solutions
• Weakness: becoming manipulative
• AKA: catalyst, inventor, charismatic leader, medicine man
The Ruler:
• Life is for: control and power, winning

• Fear: chaos, losing control, being controlled
• Strength: responsibility, leadership, organization, goal oriented
• Weakness: being authoritarian, unable to delegate
• AKA: leader, manager, aristocrat
Which of these archetypes do you feel represent you the most?
What aspects match your personality the strongest?
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Become Who You Were Meant to Be (Your Life Purpose)
Every human being has untapped potential. They are born with certain talents and traits, and
their life experience teaches them skills and inspires passions within them. e can choose to look
for the deeper meaning in the experiences of our lives. We can choose to identify our talents and
passions and make decisions to put them to work in our lives. We can choose to develop our
potential and make our unique impact in the world.
This exercise looks at your talents and passions as clues to who you truly are, you’re greater
purpose.
First, ask the following questions about childhood:
• What came naturally to you? What were you good at?
• What did you LOVE to do the most?
• What did you want to be when you grew up?
Then, ask the following questions about your earlier adult life:
• What do you wish you had done differently with your career or your life?
• What did you feel yourself drawn to over and over again?
• What did you used to do that you really enjoyed that you aren’t doing any more?
Lastly, ask the following questions about your current life:

• What comes easy for you that may be hard for others?
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• What have you become an expert at?
• What would other people say are your greatest qualities? Talents?
• What would you like to change in the world?
Looking at the answers to all of these questions, what does it seem like your life has been
preparing you for? What is your greater purpose?
Becoming Your Best Self—How Would I Need to Think and Behave?

After evaluating the different roles you play (whether they’re in your career, family, or
elsewhere), which roles do you feel are the MOST important for you to change in order to fully
embrace your BEST self?
For each role you wish to change, ask yourself the following questions:
• What needs to be changed about how I THINK about what this role is and who I am in it?
• What needs to be changed about my BEHAVIOR?
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• Next, after looking at your talents and passions, what did you determine your life has
been preparing you for?
• In what ways are you not currently living up to this greater purpose and mission in your
life?
• How are you not using your potential?
• What needs to be changed about how I THINK about yourself, your life, and the gifts you
have to offer this world in order for you to move forward in the direction of your greater
purpose?
• What BEHAVIORS do you need to stop, change, or start in order to live in integrity with
your best self? For instance:
o What things that you enjoy doing, are great at, and make you feel alive do you
need to do more of?
o What are you passionate about that you want to spend more of your time focused
on? How can you make your passions a priority?
o What do you need to learn more about or practice in order to use your gifts and go
for your dreams?
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Developing a Mindset of Success (Growth Mindset)
Mindset Assessment
There are no right or wrong answers. Choose the option that best fits you.
I believe I can always change my talent, no When something is hard, it makes me want
matter how much I have to start with. to try harder. It doesn’t make me want to
give up.
1 Strongly Disagree
1 Strongly Disagree
2 Disagree
2 Disagree
3 Disagree Somewhat
3 Disagree Somewhat
4 Agree Somewhat
4 Agree Somewhat
5 Agree
5 Agree
6 Strongly Agree
6 Strongly Agree
I like working on things that make me think

hard. I know I can learn new things, but I don’t
believe I can change my intelligence.
1 Strongly Disagree
2 Disagree
6 Strongly Disagree
3 Disagree Somewhat 5 Disagree
4 Agree Somewhat 4 Disagree Somewhat

5 Agree 3 Agree Somewhat
6 Strongly Agree 2 Agree
1 Strongly Agree
I don’t mind making a lot of errors when I
first start learning something new.
I prefer doing things that I can do well at
1 Strongly Disagree without putting a lot of effort into it.
2 Disagree 6 Strongly Disagree
3 Disagree Somewhat 5 Disagree
4 Agree Somewhat
4 Disagree Somewhat
5 Agree
3 Agree Somewhat
6 Strongly Agree
2 Agree
1 Strongly Agree
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I prefer to work on things that I can do If I have to try hard or put in extra work, it
perfectly or get right most of the time. makes me feel like I’m not good enough.
6 Strongly Disagree 6 Strongly Disagree
5 Disagree 5 Disagree
4 Disagree Somewhat 4 Disagree Somewhat
3 Agree Somewhat 3 Agree Somewhat
2 Agree 2 Agree
1 Strongly Agree 1 Strongly Agree
Add up the numbers that correspond to each of your answers. Your Score: _________________
Fixed Mindset Growth Mindset
| | | | |
8-12 17-24 24-32 33-40 41-48
What it Means
8-12: You strongly believe that your talents, intelligence, and abilities are fixed traits that can’t
be changed. You see putting in effort and trying hard as a sign that you just aren’t good at what
you’re doing. If you are not likely to do well or succeed, you would rather not participate and
instead choose to do things that come easy for you. You believe that talented or highly intelligent
people are that way naturally and they do not have to put in effort to be that way.
17-24: You believe your talents, intelligence, and abilities probably don’t change very much.
You tend to choose situations in which you don’t make many mistakes and you don’t have to put
in too much effort. You believe that learning and improving should be easy to do.
25-32: You’re not sure if your talents, intelligence, or abilities can be changed, but you recognize
you can learn and change in some ways. You care about your performance and being good at
things, but you also value learning something new that you’re not as good at, yet. You prefer not
to have to try too hard.
33-40: You believe you can increase your intelligence and improve your talents and abilities.
You care about learning and growing, and you’re not afrait to put in effort to improve. You care
about performing well, but you value learning, too. You would never avoid doing something in
order to avoid looking or being bad at it.
41-48: You strongly believe that you can learn, grow, and improve in all areas, including your
talents, intelligence, and abilities. You enjoy being challenged by things you’re not good at, yet.
You believe in the value of hard work, you don’t fear making mistakes, looking bad, or even
failing because you know these things lead you to learn and improve. You value performing very
well and therefore you value the effort and learning it takes to succeed.
Remember: Your mindset can change and develop! You can shift your mindset more toward a
growth mindset. Find out more at www.mindsetworks.com.
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Developing a Growth Mindset Part 1: Awareness
Now that you know what a growth mindset is and why it is such an important belief system, you
can begin to practice this way of thinking.
Awareness of Your Self-Talk and Fixed Mindset Triggers
Everyone has an internal voice, and part of this voice is an inner critic, inner hater, or inner
doubter—it is the fixed mindset persona. You can hear this persona within the negative self-talk
that happens in your thoughts and mind. It can sound like:
• I’m not good enough.
• I will probably fail.
• I can’t do this.
• I don’t want to risk it.
• I shouldn’t have to try so hard.
• If I’m not naturally good at this, I should just quit.
• It’s not my fault.
• This makes me uncomfortable, I’m not doing it.
• Why try if it won’t change anything?
What does yours often sound like?
Give your fixed mindset persona a name. Naming it helps you remind yourself that this
mindset—or habit of thinking—is not who you are!
I will call my fixed mindset persona: ____________________________________________
Identify your triggers. What situations tend to trigger your fixed mindset persona?
• When you’re thinking about taking on a big challenge or learning something new?
always sometimes never
What does your fixed mindset persona tell you when you’re in this situation?
• When you’re thinking about making a change?

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• When someone criticizes you?

• When you fail at something?

• When something goes wrong? Do you beat yourself up or blame someone else?
• When someone else makes a mistake? Do you judge them? Criticism them?
• When you’re under pressure or on a deadline?

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• When you procrastinate or are feeling lazy?
• When you have a conflict with someone?

• When your reputation is at risk or you worry what others will think?
Awareness of Your Reaction
Ask yourself, how am I rationalizing or judging the situation?
How am I beating myself up or blaming others?
What is the fixed mindset telling me?
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Developing a Growth Mindset Part 2: Perspective
You may not always be able to change what happens around you, but you always have a choice
of how you respond, react, and how you view the situation.
When you catch your fixed mindset persona with a limited thought, ask yourself, what else might
be going on here?
What is a more realistic and optimistic way to look at this situation?
What are the good aspects of this situation?
How can I look at this differently?
Here are examples of rephrasing fixed mindset thinking as growth mindset thinking. Be on the
lookout for any time you hear your fixed mindset persona taking over your internal dialogue,
such as the reactions to the triggers you identified or the following common fixed mindset
thoughts, you can change your perspective to a growth mindset,
• When you hear yourself thinking something like: “What if you’re not good enough?
You’ll be a failure.”
Change it to: “Everyone starts out not being good and successful people all fail along the
way.”
• When you hear yourself thinking: “If it’s this hard, you’re probably just not good at it.”
Change it to: “If it’s hard, it means I need to put in more effort and it will be a great
achievement when I get good at it.”
• When you hear yourself thinking: “If I don’t try, I can’t fail and I will keep my dignity.”
Change it to: “If I don’t try, I have already failed and I have no dignity.”
• When you hear yourself thinking: “It’s not my fault.”
Change it to: “If I don’t accept whatever part of this is my responsibility, I give away my
power.”
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Go back through the fixed mindset triggers you identified and what your persona tends to tell
you and rewrite a NEW thought from the growth mindset perspective.
My fixed mindset trigger thought:
My replacement growth mindset perspective:
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Developing a Growth Mindset Part 3: Action
So, at this point you’ve noticed your fixed mindset persona thinking limited thoughts and you’ve
changed your perspective. The next step is the most important, and in fact is what truly makes
someone have a growth mindset. The most important factor for developing a growth mindset is
action.
As yourself, what did you learn from the experience?
What could you do differently next time or going forward?
What would help you achieve this goal that you haven’t tried?
What do you need to learn or what information do you need to gather?
What steps will you take?
DON’T STOP THERE! List out the steps that you will take, and for each one, identify exactly
WHEN you will do it. If anything on your list cannot happen within 1 week, save it for later and
re-assess at the end of the week. For everything else, include when you will do it and what you
need in order to do it.
Lastly, take 5 minutes to visualize yourself taking each of these steps, as you imagine they will
play out, including achieving the goal and outcome you are aiming for.
Practicing a Growth Mindset
Select your favorite affirmations from the list below or write your own and put them somewhere
you will see them every day, such as next to your bed, on your mirror, on the cover of your day
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planner, attached to your computer screen, or programmed into the calendar of your phone to
remind you to look at them every day, at least once.
• Everyone has a fixed mindset to some degree. Now that I know the difference and I know
I can change, I am developing a growth mindset.
• Challenges, risks, and failures do not reflect that I am a failure, they are opportunities for
me to grow and improve.
• I care more about the process and the journey and who I become along the way than I do
about the outcome.
• I am glad that I am not perfect and that I never will be because it means I am not limited
to where I am today.
• What other people think about me is none of my business. I no longer allow other
people’s opinions and judgments to hold me back from living a life of fulfillment and
reaching my potential.
• I am always looking for the meaning and lessons contained in all situations that can help
me fulfill the greater purpose in my life.
• I move past the discomfort of making mistakes quickly because I learn the lesson and
allow it to help me improve so I can do better next time.
• I know that no one starts out great at something and so I am willing to try new things and
practice skills I would like to have, putting in the time and effort I know it takes to master
this area.
• I am the master of my thoughts, emotions, and actions and I do not give my power away
by reacting to others criticism, judgment, or actions in a negative way.
• Having to exert effort in order to be good at something is a good thing because it shows
me that I am capable of learning and improving. I love knowing I am not limited to my
current strengths.
• I love knowing that even if someone else may be more naturally talented in an area than I
am, a person with better work ethic will out perform a person with talent every time.
• I know that most truly successful people have failed their way to success.
• I have skills and knowledge today that I didn’t have before because I learned and grew in
those areas, so I know I can develop any ability I want.
• If my talents, abilities, and intelligence are not fixed, this means my potential is truly
limitless!
Write your own:
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SELF-MASTERY: TRANSFORMING FROM WITHIN
The 3 Irrational Beliefs at the Core of Your Suffering
Why do we assign meaning to life event in the way that we do? The short, yet profound, answer
is that all of our pain and suffering is caused by 3 core irrational beliefs.
Not all people hold the same variation of these beliefs, but we all believe them in one situation or
another and these beliefs are always irrational. These beliefs are like internal rules that we have
for how we, others, and the world “should” behave. The problem is that we normally are not
aware that we have these beliefs. And if we do catch ourselves thinking these things, we don’t
normally question them.
By identifying which of these core irrational beliefs you tend to fall into the most, you can begin
to become aware of the situations in which you apply these bogus rules. Below you will find a
description of the 3 beliefs, as well as additional details that will help you identify if this belief is
active within you.
BELIEF #1—APPROVAL: I must be approved of by others to be worthy.
• Need: acceptance, belonging

• Fear: judgment, rejection
• Demands: I expect myself to perform well and win approval from all significant others at
all times, and if not I am a failure, unworthy, and deserve to suffer.
Symptoms:
• Places unrealistic expectations on oneself
• Over-concern with what other people think
• Achievement and popularity determine self-worth
• Self-critical, lack of self-acceptance
Emotional Consequences
• Depression, feeling not good enough, unable to express or embrace true self
• Anxiety, worry about what others think, being judged
• Low confidence, feeling bad about yourself, others disapproval means we are bad, can’t
be yourself
Behavioral Consequences
• Risk-avoidance, for fear of being judged for failing or being different
• Shyness, for fear of being embarrassed
• Procrastination, for fear of failure, judgment, risk
• Unassertiveness, for fear of rejection or criticism
• Workaholism, in order to gain approval
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REPLACE WITH THIS RATIONAL BELIEF:
I have value as a human being simply by being my authentic self, and I desire love only from
those who appreciate me and recognize the good in me.
BELIEF #2—JUDGMENT: Other people must do "the right thing" and meet my
expectations in order to be worthy.
• Need: importance, superiority

• Fear: unfairness, disappointment
• Demands: expect all significant others to treat you kindly and fairly, as well as act
appropriately, and if they don’t they are unworthy, rotten people who deserve to be
punished
Symptoms:
• Unrealistic expectations on others, including expecting them to be infallible, perfect
• Assuming you are the sole authority on what is right and wrong
• Assuming you have authority over others
• Believing everyone else is responsible for catering to your needs
• Anger, rage or fury when others intentionally or unintentionally treat you poorly or
unfairly or don’t meet your expectations
• Impatience with others who make mistakes or aren’t perfect
• Bitterness against others for not meeting your needs
• Resentment toward others for being imperfect and especially for treating you unfairly or
not meeting your needs
• Aggression and violence as a way of punishing others for being inappropriate or not
meeting expectations
• Bigotry and intolerance of anyone who does not meet your definition of right and wrong
• Bullying others to enforce your belief of the way others should behave or be
• Nagging others to elicit the right action you expect and require
All people, including myself, are imperfect, have value to offer, and have a unique perspective of
the world.
BELIEF #3—COMFORT: Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience.
• Need: certainty, comfort, justice

• Fear: adversity, uncertainty, discomfort
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• Demands: expect all external conditions to be pleasant and favorable at all times and
when they’re not it is awful and unbearable.
Symptoms:
• Unrealistic expectations about life being perfect
• Belief that living a trouble-free life is a birthright
• Lack of belief in your ability cope with adversity
• Complete rejection of all life problems as unacceptable
• Low frustration tolerance
• Self-pity and “poor me” attitude
• Depression, hopelessness
• Discomfort anxiety
• Procrastination
• Shirking
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Overindulgence in "feel good" behaviors (e.g., overeating)
It is perfectly natural for life conditions to not be ideal or perfect and it’s okay if situations do
not exist the way I would prefer because I am capable of finding solutions to problems and
making changes that bring me happiness and opportunity regardless of the situations that
happen around me.
Questioning Beliefs and Excuses
Questioning Beliefs:
The first step is to identify what you believe. Then, you’ll look at where the belief came from,
whether or not you know for sure it is true, and the impact it has on your life. In another video
we’ll look at how to change these beliefs. For each, ask yourself how you expect that they “are,”
“should be”, or what they “mean”. Answer each quickly with your FIRST inclination.
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BELIEF Where did it Is it true? How does it What would
come from? How do you negatively you like to
know? impact your change it to?
life?
Failure means:
Experiencing challenges
means:
Other people are:
Money is:
Work is:
A career should be:
The future is:
Education is:
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Emotions are:
Being a parent means:
Being a child means:
Being a man means:
Being a woman means:
Being single means:
Being married means:
Friendship means:
Health means:
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Eliminating Excuses (Saying “No” to BUT!):
Below are several common excuses, including the truth that challenges them. Evaluate these
beliefs for yourself and see what other excuses you tend to use so you can question them and
empower your beliefs.
But, I’m not good at it. You’re not good at it because you haven’t practiced it! You’re probably
keeping this excuse around because you’re afraid of failure. (See the Growth Mindset section for
help with this one.)
But, People won’t like/approve of me. You are not living life for anyone else. Sometimes you
have to embrace the pack of haters if you want to live your dreams. You’re probably keeping this
excuse around because you’re afraid of being judged. (see the 3 Irrational Beliefs video for help
with this one.)
But, it’s too hard. How would you know; have you done it? It’s only too hard if you don’t know
how to do it. The good news is you can try it and learn. You’re probably keeping this excuse
around because it gives you an excuse not to try because it’s not possible. (See the Growth Mindset
section for help with this one.)
But, it’s too risky. There are no risky changes, only risky people. If you prepare yourself, you can
minimize risk. You’re probably keeping this one around because if you don’t take the risk you
cannot fail.
But, it’ll take too long. What is a “long time” anyway? If it is going to take 5 years, won’t you be
5 years older whether you do it or not? You probably use this excuse to avoid having to make a
decision or a commitment.
But, it costs too much. Now this not true in most cases. Chances are you are spending a ridiculous
amount of money on something you don’t need, like coffee, cigarettes, cloths—everyone has
something they could give up to fund their dreams. Besides, everyone is capable of generating
money with a side gig. Get creative! How COULD you afford to do this?
But, it’s overwhelming. If you are feeling overwhelmed it’s because you are trying to “bite of
more than you can chew.” You can’t eat a big meal all at once. Make a plan for how you’re going
to get where you want to go but then focus on one thing at a time. (See the Creating Change:
Practical Steps section for help with this.)
But, I don’t have time. This is the most commonly used “but,” and it is totally bogus. The truth
is you are wasting time every day on unimportant things. Make it a priority and you will find the
time.
But, it’s not possible: Has anyone else accomplished it? Yes. Are they imbued with magical
powers? No. We’ve heard so many times people who say “I’ve tried everything” but when asked
what they tried the truth was that they tried the same 2 things over and over and gave up. The
people who have accomplished what you want to do got there by doing something different than
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what you are doing. First of all, they tried. Second of all, they kept trying new things. And third,
they learned what they needed and never gave up.
Which of the excuses above do you use the most?
How does each of them tend to hold you back?
What other excuses do you tend to tell yourself?
How do these other excuses hold you back?
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is
always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”—Nora Roberts
Changing Beliefs (The Table Leg Method)

Imagine your belief is like a tabletop and the evidence that supports your belief is like the table
legs. You look at the evidence and make a conclusion—a belief about it. Just like with a table, if
you knock enough legs out from under it the belief will collapse. You do this by creating doubt
about your evidence or looking at it in a different way. Then, after you collapse the old,
unwanted belief that makes you doubt yourself or your dream, you can use the same method to
build up a new one. That’s right, it works in reverse! If you determine a belief that is more
empowering that you’d prefer, you can find evidence that SUPPORTS your new belief. Add at
least 3 legs and the table will stand.
STEP 1: Identify a limiting belief you would like to change:
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Make a list of all of the things you can think of that provide evidence (table legs) that support
your belief (at least 3 pieces of evidence).
STEP 2: Identify an alternative belief that is more empowering:
If you’re having a hard time identifying a more empowering belief, ask yourself “what if I
believed the opposite”? You want to choose a new belief that is believable. So, instead look for
an IMPROVED belief. So, that could be “there is always opportunity in the market if you
provide an exceptional product or service.”
STEP 3: Unstick the emotional superglue:
Sometimes we become emotionally attached to our limiting beliefs. We experience benefits or

emotional payoffs for keeping our limitations around, which makes them sticky. It is like
supergluing the table legs to the floor. So, ask yourself: what is the emotional payoff for holding
onto this belief?
Be honest with yourself. Write down everything you can think of that may be an emotional or
practical benefit.
Next, ask yourself: do these benefits outweigh the costs of keeping this limitation?
Yes No
• If your answer is YES—that the emotional payoff is worth it—then you will most likely
NOT be able to change this belief because you are too attached to it.
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• If you answer is NO—the payoff is NOT worth continuing to be limited by this belief—
well, then it’s time to celebrate because you’ve just dissolved the superglue! You actually
WANT to change, and that means it’s time to start dismantling that table.
STEP 4: Create doubt by reframing your evidence:
Like we said, you believe what you believe because you look at the evidence and come to a
conclusion. But what if the evidence was wrong, incomplete, or you just weren’t seeing it
clearly? That would make you question your conclusion, and that’s exactly the point of this step.
For each piece of evidence you identified for your limiting belief, ask yourself the following
questions:
Could this be untrue?
Is there more to the story?
What is an alternative explanation?
The point is to question the evidence enough to create doubt. Some evidence will be harder to
refute than others, but that’s okay as long as you can knock out enough to leave less than 3 legs
standing!
STEP 5: Find evidence to support your new belief:
Now we’re gong to flip this around and build up the supporting evidence to solidify your new
belief. Looking back at your desired belief, make a list of everything you can think of that
supports this new belief. You only need a minimum of 3 but you want to create as many legs as
possible so that this believe is way stronger than the old, limiting one.
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With enough supporting legs, your new belief will stand. It might not be as strong as your old
belief at first, but that is okay.
In many cases, the table legs that held up your old belief may have been really thick or really
superglued because of the emotions tied to them. When thinking about evidence for your new
belief, it may be harder to find emotionally-charged evidence, so you want to think of as many
things as you can. The number of supporting legs will make up for the less powerful examples.
You’ve done it! You changed your limiting belief and replaced it with a new empowering belief!
But that doesn’t mean that the old limiting thoughts won’t pop back up sometimes. You may
need to remind yourself of this new belief multiple times, or even read it to yourself regularly,
but through repetition you will be able to banish that limiting belief for good!
Developing Awareness of Emotions

If you want to re-gain your power to direct your own emotional state, you need to be able to:
• Notice you’re experiencing an emotional state
• Identify what it is
• Know what to expect
• Know how to influence a new emotional state
Emotional States
Emotional States are actually 2 different things:

• The STATE is the physiological “feelings” that you experience
• The EMOTION is the psychological interpretation or “label” you put on the state
We experience complex states made up of chemical and hormone interactions that cause a
variety of reactions in the body. Our emotions are the interpretations we make of these
experiences—or the labels we give them.
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So, based on what we talked about in Thoughts Create Emotions, we need to add a couple steps
to the process.
Situation → Interpretation (thought) → State → Interpretation (label) → Emotion
What this means is the body responds to the thought first, then our minds interpret the reaction,
label it, and an emotion is born.
The map is not the territory:
The labels we give emotions are like a box or a map. What’s printed on the box may signal
what’s inside, but it is NOT what is inside. Just like a map may describe a territory, however it is
NOT the territory. Maps are simplified, inadequate and ultimately flawed. It would be like eating
a menu. In the same way, what we call “anger”, the word, is not the experience. Saying you
“love” someone hardly does the experience any justice. In fact, all words are simply signposts
pointing toward meaning. The word “tree” is not a tree.
What IS an emotion if it’s not map? Well, it’s not a “thing” either. You see, labeling an
experience as an emotion makes it seem like a NOUN. This is why many people believe
emotions are things they HAVE or that happen TO them. The truth is that emotions are verbs
(emoting is the verb)—they are a PROCESS. Fear is the process of fearing, which is a string of
sensations that occur in a pattern. Fear takes many steps from observation or contemplation to
processing and interpreting; then to physiological reaction and FEELING, and finally labeling it
as fear.
If you obscure the process underneath a word label, you end up believing that emotions aren’t
under your conscious control. Once we recognize anger is a process, we recognize we have
power over it.
Emotion Identification Chart:
Below are 6 common emotions and descriptions of the emotion, physiological state, and
common resulting behaviors. This chart will help you get a general idea of the signs and
symptoms of each emotion to make them easier to identify. Keep in mind everyone experiences
each emotion somewhat differently and you may not experience all of the characteristics.
LABEL EMOTION STATE BEHAVIOR
Happiness Intense, positive feelings of well- Head held high (posture), Pleasant voice,
being, pleasure, contentment, wide-eyed, smiling, friendly, swinging
delight, joy, optimism, and laughing, relaxation of arms, dancing.
gratitude. Affirmative, positive muscles, open body
thoughts and mental clarity. language.
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Boredom Low-intensity, unpleasant Low energy, slumped Resting head,
feelings of apathy, restlessness, posture, smirk or frown, low fidgeting, staring.
indifference, emptiness, and eyes, shallow breathing.
frustration. Defeatist thinking or
wishing things were different.
Anxiety Vague, unpleasant feelings of Restlessness, sweating, Pacing, biting lip,
distress, uneasiness, stress, clammy hands, hunched fidgeting.
apprehension, and nervousness. shoulders, swallowing, Irritability,
Thoughts of uncertainty and quickened breath, darting hypervigilance.
worry, racing thoughts, difficulty eyes, butterflies in the
concentrating and remembering. stomach, nausea.
Anger Intense, uncomfortable feelings Muscle tension, headache, Loud voice, yelling,
of hostility and hurt. Feeling out tight chest, increased heart cursing, sarcasm,
of control. Thoughts of blame rate, increased blood pacing. Sometimes
and resentment. Difficulty pressure, heavy breathing, leads to aggression,
thinking clearly or rationally. clenched fist, furrowed brow, including hitting a
showing teeth, clenched jaw, wall, throwing an
sweating, trembling, flushed object, or lashing
cheeks, large posture. out at a person.
Sadness/ Feelings of intense pain and Slumped posture and Curling up into a
Depression sorrow, guilt, unworthiness, hunched shoulders, long ball, laying around,
disappointment, helplessness, face, slow movements, withdrawing,
gloominess, loss, grief, pouting, body aches, crying, irritability.
numbness, meaninglessness, loss shaking, crossed arms,
of interest. Defeated thinking and fatigue, upset stomach,
difficulty concentrating and monotone voice.
remembering.
Fear Intense feeling of dread, Increased heart rate, Freezing, fleeing,
impending doom, or panic due to increased blood pressure, hiding.
a perceived danger or threat. alert eyes, high eyebrows,
Paranoid or worst-case thinking corners of cheeks pulled
and hyper focused on the object toward ears, clammy,
of the fear. sweating, quickened breath,
goose bumps, butterflies in
the stomach, shaky voice.
Practicing Emotional Awareness and Identification
Next time you catch yourself experiencing an emotion that is distinct, ask yourself the following
questions. Practice this line of questioning often, especially when experiencing unpleasant
emotions.
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• How do I feel?
• How do I know?
• What do I feel? Sensations?
• Where do I feel it? Locations?
• Where in my body did it begin? Move to?
• How do I recognize when OTHERS experience this emotion?
• Do I notice any of these signs in myself?
• What do I observe in my body language, vocal tone, thoughts, behaviors?
Affirmations and Incantations
4 Keys to Successful Affirmation Statements:
1. It must be believable and within your control

2. It must be present tense (happening now), personal (I), positive (no "not" or "don't)
3. You must FEEL IT
4. You must repeat it REGULARLY (3-5 times per day for 21-30 days)
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What is a belief that you hold or a negative thought you say to yourself regularly that you would
like to REPLACE with a more empowering, positive affirmative statement?
Write a NEW phrase to replace the old one, using the guidelines above. Repeat this affirmative
statement at least 3 times a day (5 to 10 times each session). Consider posting it on your mirror,
computer or nightstand where you can see it regularly. Do this with additional beliefs/thoughts.
Incantations
Incantations take affirmations a step further and make them PHYSICAL. An incantation is a
phrase or language pattern that is said out loud and with an engaged physiology. Putting
affirmations into motion engages more of your brain and makes it more real.
Incantations are also spoken OUT LOUD. This also sends additional signals to your brain that
you are SERIOUS. If you must do your incantation when other people are around and you don’t
want to draw undo attention to yourself, you can do it silently—but whenever you can, say it out
loud.
Incantations can be a whole phrase like an affirmation, or they can be a short phrase such as “I
am confident!”
What affirmation would you like to use as an incantation? Or, you can write a new one.
What movement could you make while reciting this incantation? (Examples: Raise your hands in
the air like you’re cheering, pull in your elbow as if you’re saying “yes!”, jump up and down or
dance.)
Next, pick a certain time that you will practice your incantation EVERY DAY. Be specific so
that it’s easy to habituate it. For instance, you can do it right after you brush your teeth.
Reframing Your Thoughts

It truly is not what happened in your life that creates your story, it’s how you interpreted (or
framed) your experiences.
The Power of Interpretation (Perspective)
Your interpretation of events either empower you or disempower you. Even the worst
experiences of life, that feel like a curse, can be re-framed to find the silver lining or blessing
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contained within them. It is the MEANING we attach to a situation that determines whether it
moves us forward or holds us back. The meaning also impacts the way we react and feel about
any circumstance.
Find the Silver Lining
For every seemingly negative circumstance in life, there either was (or could be) a positive
outcome because of it.
You can choose to interpret events in a way that is DISEMPOWERING (makes you feel
resentful or guilty) or you can interpret them in a way that is EMPOWERING by asking
yourself:
• “What else might be going on here?”
• “What did I learn from this experience?”
• “What can I do differently next time?”
• “What positive outcome eventually came as a result of this situation?”
• “What meaning does it have? What purpose does it give me?”
• “How can I use this for GOOD?”
Make a list of any experiences from your life story (past or present) that are “negative” and then
identify the positive outcomes and/or the empowering perspective you can take from them.
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Preparing to Succeed
Identifying Possible Roadblocks
When working toward a goal or creating life change, it is inevitable that there will be roadblocks
and setbacks along the way. There is a saying that goes, “when human makes plans, God
laughs.” Point being, it is not going to all unfold perfectly. There are two keys to overcoming
barriers:
1. Being preemptive and preparing for possible problems
2. Develop an attitude of flexibility and creativity
First, look at what barriers are likely to come up. By identifying what might go wrong, you can
prepare in advance, both with action and with mental preparation. Let’s take a look at the most
common roadblocks and how to overcome them. Which of these tend to happen to you?
Practical Things that Could Go Wrong: Considering your specific situation, what are some
things that might go wrong? Think of as many things as you can.
Solution: Plan in advance whenever possible. Identify what you could do in the even that this
happened, as well as anything you could do to prevent it. The trick to overcoming obstacles is to
be prepared. Plan these action steps into your overall planning. (See the Creating Change
Practical Steps section.)
My Experience:
Frustration/Impatience/Disappointment: Because of the inevitability that something is going

to wrong, you are likely to experience negative emotions, such as frustration, impatience, or
disappointment. These are, of course, completely normal emotional responses, but the key is to
not allow them to stop you from moving forward.
Solution: Be flexible. Set realistic expectations. Accept that it is normal for things not to go
exactly the way you want. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, but then take steps to find a
better feeling perspective of the situation. Look for what can be learned. Explore other options.
My Experience:
Resources: Sometimes there may things you need, that you do not have, in order to accomplish
what you’re trying to do. These can be physical items, financial resources, access to space, or
even an environment that supports your decisions.
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Solution: The solution here is resourcefulness. If you don’t have what you need, get creative
with your ideas for how to get it. Plan in advance for what you are going to need. Ask for help.
Brainstorm ways to generate extra money to fund what you need to do.
My Experience:
Other people/Support: The truth is that our changes impact other people, and often they don’t
like it. Other times, when we make changes and go for our dreams, it threatens other people’s
limiting beliefs about themselves, and they react with doubt or criticism. Because of this, there
may be people who try to dissuade you from doing what you are doing. It may be challenging to
find support. And it may be challenging to do what you know is right for you when you know it
will make other people unhappy or they will judge you.
Solution: In the event there is a practical problem that your decisions will cause with other
people, plan in advance for how you will handle it. In most cases, however, the issues with other
people are actually internal—you simply don’t like how you feel knowing other people don’t like
what you’re doing. But, it is important to remember that you have to put the oxygen mask on
yourself first. If you live your life according to other people’s desires you end up burnt out and
empty with nothing left to give. Also see the Social Influences and Saying No lectures. At the
same time, if you are seeking support you may need to look outside of your immediate circle.
My Experience:
Time/Organization: One of the most common barriers is time. In the Questioning Beliefs and
Excuses lecture we address that not having time is an excuse, not a true reason not to do
something. While it may be true that you have a lot on your plate and many responsibilities,
including work, school, or family, however there is always a way to find the time.
Solution: First, it is important to understand that time is mental concept more than a practical
unit of measure. What keeps someone from having the time to do something is a lack of
prioritizing it, not a lack of time. At a practical level, you can find the time by evaluating all of
the activities you do throughout the day and considering what you could eliminate that is less
important than this thing you wish to do. For most people, this includes things like watching
television and social media. It may be different for you. Also, planning in the actions you need to
take to accomplish your goal is vital. If you leave it up to chance, without a plan, it is not going
to happen. See the Creating Change Practical Steps section.
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My Experience:
Motivation/Confidence: The most detrimental internal obstacle for most people is lack of
motivation and follow through, which in most cases stems from a lack of confidence that they
are going to be successful.
Solution: The most important source of motivation is a strong, clear understanding of why you
are doing something, which is addressed in the “Big Why” lecture. It is also vitally important to
understand that you cannot create lasting change if you are depending on feeling motivated.
Motivation is an emotion that comes and goes. Creating a concrete plan helps you stay on track
even in those moments when you’re not feeling motivated. Confidence comes from a belief in
yourself that you are capable of learning and growing in whatever ways are necessary in order to
achieve your goals, which is addressed in the Success Mindset section as well as the Developing
Change Confidence lecture. By working on mindset and confidence, motivation is increased.
Combine that with commitment to a concrete plan, and you have a recipe for success.
My Experience:
2: Willpower, Cues & Triggers

Don’t leave it up to willpower. It is important to recognize that willpower is like a muscle, and
that if we over rely on that muscle we may find it harder to resist triggers and therefore fail to
create change. Dr. Roy Baumeister, a psychologist at Florida State University conducted studies
on decision-making and willpower and concluded “self-control is like a muscle and that if you
over exert the muscle it gets tired.” You can try to will yourself to make changes, but temptations
will drain you and make it harder for you to be able to make long-term changes.
Build Your Willpower Muscle
The willpower “muscle” is just like any other muscle—when you give it regular workouts, it
grows stronger. The problem is that most people believe that willpower is that in-the-moment
feat of self-control against an overwhelming craving or temptation. Exercising your willpower
does not mean flexing your ability to torture yourself by sitting in front of warm, off-limits
brownies. It does not mean telling yourself you are going to quit smoking and then hang around
smokers at lunch. This does not work. True willpower comes when preparation meets
commitment.
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Commitment: Make a clear-minded decision regarding what you will or will not do, based on a
clear understanding of why you want to do it and what will happen if you don’t.
What have you decided you will or will not do?
Preparation: You cannot expect yourself to be able to resist temptation in the moment. Instead,
identify what you need to do in order to be prepared! Answer the following questions:
• What do you need to do to be prepared?
• Do you need any materials or equipment?
• Do you need to change your schedule?
• Do you need to remove anything from your home?
• Are there scenarios or locations or people you need to avoid or be prepared to face with a
pre-determined statement of why you will or won’t be doing something?
For example, if you want to utilize your willpower to stop eating chips, throw out any that are in
your home and commit to not buying any more. If you want to do 100 sit-ups every morning,
don’t leave it up to how you feel in the moment—instead, set an alarm reminder, put your matt in
the right position the night before, and commit to do it when the alarm goes off, NO MATTER
WHAT.
Regularly practicing different types of self-control: It has also been shown that if you practice
self-control on smaller things it will build your willpower muscle. Identify simple things you can
do to practice your self control. For example, waiting to check your social media, portion control
on unhealthy snacks, keeping a food dairy, not responding to someone’s comment that triggers
you emotionally, sitting up straight, or any other thing that will help you to practice self-control
Visualize It
Mentally project yourself into the future—into a situation that is a trigger. Imagine the trigger
happening but rather than imagining you responding like you normally would, instead imagine
responding with the desired behavior. Practicing this mentally gives the brain a new framework.
Once you can break a pattern in your mind, you’ll be better able to break it when you are
exposed to the trigger in real life.
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The 3 R’s of Habit Change
3 R’s of Habit Loops
1. The Reminder: All our habits have triggers and these triggers initiates the behavior.
2. The Routine: This is the actual habit, action, or routine that you have.
3. The Reward: Is the benefit that you get from the actual behavior. Keep in mind that even
negative consequences have benefits and serve as a reward.
Step 1: Set a Reminder for Your New Habit
Will you set a reminder using an alarm or notification? If not, what are some simple healthy
daily habits that you already have that you do every day? How could you integrate your new
habit into one of them?
Step 2: Make it a Routine
If your new habit is something you need to schedule in, where and how are you going to set aside
time for it?
What else do you need to prepare in advance so that you have everything you need at the
scheduled time to get up and go?
How can you protect this new routine?
Step3: Create a Reward
Does your habit have a built-in reward? If so, what?
What are some ideas of things you could do to reward yourself for meeting certain milestones?
For example, every time you make it a week performing this new habit, you give yourself
something special, whether it’s something you do that you enjoy or a small gift to yourself.
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The Psychology of Creating Change
Developing Change Confidence: The Change Resume
Life Area Type Situation/Change Positive Outcome
IDENTIFY AS: Describe the situation or Identify anything good
change. that happened as a
(1) Happened “to
result, whether it
You”
eventually lead to
(2) “Bad” Change something positive or if
(3) “Self-Initiated” you learned something
valuable.
EDUCATION:
This could be
changing schools,
overcoming a fear,
improving a grade,
making an impact,
changing friends,
etc.
Change: Transferred
to a new school,
1980, 3rd grade
Positive Outcome:
Met my best friend
FAMILY LIFE:
This could be
changes from any
point in your
childhood, such as:
moving, breaking an
arm, joining a club,
learning an
instrument, parents
divorcing, or getting
your first job, car, or
boy/girlfriend.
Change: Joined the
t-ball team, 5th grade
Positive Outcome:
Learned how to get
along with other kids
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WORK LIFE:
This could be
anything from
getting a new job to
getting fired to
changing careers to
going back to
school.
Change: Got fired
from Bank of
America, 1999
Positive Outcome:
Ended up
discovering a new
career path I loved.
ADULT LIFE:
This could be going
to college, breaking
up or starting a
relationship, getting
married, moving,
facing a fear, trying
something new,
learning something
new, losing a loved
one, divorce, a car
accident.
Change: Faced my
fear of heights by
climbing the Statue
of Liberty
Positive Outcome:
Enjoyed the view,
even though it was
terrifying, and
realized that I can
handle my fear
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Quality vs. Safe Problems
Uncovering Quality Problems
So, the question is, how do you change this? The first step is identifying the quality problem and
the safe problems you use as a way of avoiding the quality problem.
What are some problems you have in your life that you know you COULD do something about,
but you don’t ever seem to take the steps necessary to change it?
What quality problems—ones that may be harder to change but would dramatically improve
your life—are you avoiding?
If you’re not sure what the quality problems are, here is an activity to help you dig deeper into
the life challenges you’re experiencing to find the root.
It starts by asking yourself “why” repeatedly until you get to the core issue and there is no other
WHY to answer. When you find yourself feeling frustrated, sad, angry, or otherwise facing an
aspect of your life that you’re unsatisfied with, ask yourself the following string of questions:
• What is the surface-level conflict or problem that you’re experiencing?
• How do you feel?
• Why?
• Why does this bother you or affect you?
• Why do I feel that way about it?
And here are additional questions to ask to discover where the belief came from:
• Are there any benefits from feeling or reacting this way?
• What are they?
• Where or who did I learn it from?
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• What benefits did they receive from it?
• Are they right? How do you know?
• What deeper level problem might be going on beneath the surface?
• What does keeping this problem around allow me to avoid?
Keep probing and asking yourself until you get to the core of the issue.
The Power of Pain and Pleasure

Everything we do in life is because we’re either avoiding pain or moving toward pleasure.
If you’re continuing an unwanted pattern, it’s because you’re associating more pain to stopping it
than you are to continuing it. And if there’s a change you keep putting off, it’s because you
associate more pain to making the change than keeping things the same. The truth is that you
KNOW that making the change will pay off and be much more beneficial than staying stuck in
old patterns.
Below is an activity that will help you stop unwanted patterns and make needed changes by
associating massive pain with keeping around the OLD pattern and massive pleasure with
making the desired change.
What is the PAIN you expect if you make this change? This can be pain from the experience of
making the change and/or the pain you would experience if you DID reach your goal?
What is the PLEASURE you have experienced by NOT making this change? What benefit do
you receive from keeping around this old pattern or this problem?
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What is the PAIN that will happen if you DO NOT make this change? How will it impact your
life, your career, your family?
What is the PLEASURE you will experience when do make this change and reach your goals
and dreams? How will your life be better? How will you feel? What weight will be lifted? What
other important outcomes will come from this?
The Power of Forgiveness
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is releasing the feeling that the other person owes us something…. And freeing
ourselves from anger. You may believe that forgiveness is challenging, but when you understand
who it is truly for—you—then it becomes easier. When you practice forgiveness you will feel
empowered. Forgiveness is freedom.
What forgiveness is NOT:
Many people do not forgive because they have a misperception about what forgiveness truly is.
Therefore, let’s go over some of the things forgiveness is not.
• Forgiveness is NOT: Reconciliation with the person.
• Forgiveness is NOT: Living in denial about a person’s action(s).
• Forgiveness is NOT: Allowing the person to do the same behavior over and over again.
• Forgiveness is NOT: Having no consequence for a behavior.
• Forgiveness is NOT: Having the pain magically go away.
First, Forgive Yourself:
“True justice is paying once for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once. Animals
pay once, humans pay thousands of times. Every time we remember we judge ourselves and feel
guilt over and over again.” — Edgar Cayce
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Many times, in our lives we make mistakes and we have to forgive ourselves for those mistakes.
Most people have more resentment toward themselves than anyone else. There are two things
that our minds unconsciously do when we feel guilty. One of them is to try to repay or make
right our mistake, often excessively. If we feel that there is nothing we can do to make something
right, the second option we choose (unconsciously) is to punish ourselves.
Take a moment to reflect on your actions (toward yourself or others) in the past that you may
regret.
• Are there any mistakes you made that you continue to beat yourself up for? If so, what?
• How are you punishing yourself for it?
• Are you directly or indirectly punishing others for it?
Your guilt is not going to undo what has happened. Even more importantly, holding onto this
pain is causing further pain in your life. It is okay to let it go now. Release yourself from the
burden of carrying it with you.
I forgive myself for:
Apologize: If any of your self-grievances are towards others, consider expressing an apology
through a letter, email, phone call, or in person. (Remember not to be attached to the results since
this is about you, not them. Do not expect to be forgiven.)
Next, Forgive Others
Write it down: Make a list of people you need to forgive and what you want to forgive them for.
Include what you need to forgive yourself for.
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Reflect: Acknowledge the pain that the lack of forgiveness (on your part) has caused you and
how it currently impacts your life. Is it more painful than the actual experience?
Learn the lessons: What are some things that you can learn from the situations? Are there any
positives that have or can come out of the experiences? What lessons could the other person(s)
have learned?
Let go: Release any expectations from anyone else. This includes expectations of forgiveness or
apologies from others or changes in others’ behaviors. Forgiving doesn’t mean accepting
unacceptable behavior, but if the person does not change it is your responsibility to free yourself
from the pain of resentment and do what’s right for you, even if it means cutting ties with the
person. What expectations do you release?
Express Forgiveness: ONLY if you feel it would be beneficial to you, consider expressing
forgiveness to another through a letter, email, phone call, or in person. (Remember not to be
attached to the results since this is about you, not them. Do not expect an apology.)
Live and be free! Forgiveness is about personal power. A life well lived is your best revenge;
therefore take your power back and focus on your desires. Don’t do it because, “You’ll show
them,” do it because you want to live your life with freedom and happiness. Forgiveness is often
an opportunity to learn, grow, and heal. You may even find that the negative experiences were
blessings in disguise if you can create a place for forgiveness and acceptance in your heart.
Remember, forgiveness is 100 percent your responsibility. Only you can unlock the door to your
prison and shift your life from limitation to freedom and joy.
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Putting the Oxygen Mask on Yourself First
Most of us are taught that selfishness is bad. It’s not true. Being willing to be selfish—and take
care of yourself so you are at your best and, therefore, are able to bring your best self to the
world and those you love—is the most selfless thing you can do.
If you look back at your life you’ll see that there are times when you made decisions that truly
honored YOU. Times when you did what you loved even if it was unpopular. Times you chose
not to participate in something you knew wasn’t right for you. Times you gave yourself a reward
or took a much needed break. And because you made those decisions, you improved your
psychological and emotional state. You became stronger. Your cup became full. You put the
oxygen mask on yourself and, therefore, were able to support others. And you were better able to
care for yourself and others.
• What decisions have you made in the past that honored you? How did they turn out?
• In what ways are you not honoring yourself or taking care of yourself?
• Are there situations in which you are self-sacrificing (or have) to the point of self-harm or
no longer being able to help those you are sacrificing for?
• What changes could you make that would help you put on your own oxygen mask on
first, so that you’re better able to assist others?
• What are some ways you could fill your own cup? What FEEDS you? What makes you
feel fulfilled?
• What changes could you make that would stop beggars from being dependent on your
filling of their cups?
• If you commit to filling your own cup, how will this change your life?
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Overcoming Indecision, Autopilot and Being Stuck
Are you on autopilot?
What have you chosen to do because it was what you were “supposed” to do?
What did you really want to do that you didn’t allow yourself to do?
What do you choose to do by default (like watching TV or being on social media)?
What else could you be choosing to do instead?
What do you actually WANT to do with your life?
Not knowing what you want:
In what areas of your life are you not sure what you want?
In what areas of your life do you get stuck at a decision point and just think, think, think?
Have you ever missed out on an opportunity because you didn’t make a decision in time?
What decisions are you read to make now so that you do not miss the opportunity to choose?
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Perfectionism:
What decisions have you struggled to make because you’re waiting for it to be perfect?
What decisions have you held yourself back from because you’re afraid of making the wrong
decision?
What decisions are you ready to make now, accepting that the worst decision is not to move
forward?
Being Indecisive:
Are you not sure which option to choose?
In what way could you try or test each option?
If you can’t actually try it out, run through the possibilities in your mind.*
Ask yourself, what are the possible outcomes?
How do I feel about each outcome?
For each outcome, what are the possible next steps?
After considering these options, what feels like the best choice for you?
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Feeling Uncertain:
In what ways are you avoiding making a decision to move forward because you’re not sure how
it will turn out?
Is there a way you could try it out or find out more?
• If not, simply do it! You may never be able to predict the outcome.
• If you cannot get yourself to take action, see the Overcoming Inaction video.
• If fear is holding you back, see the Fear Setting video.
What decisions are you ready to make, even if you cannot know the outcome, knowing that you
do not want to continue to put this off?
Are you facing any life-changing decisions or irrevocable choices?
What choice are you facing?
What is option #1?
What is option #2?
For each option, the result will lead to a different life. Imagine you are choosing to live LIFE #1
and allowing LIFE #2 to drift out to sea.
• What are the positive, meaningful outcomes I’ll experience if I choose LIFE #1?
• What are the negative, meaningful losses I’ll experience because I did NOT choose LIFE
#2?
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Now, switch your choice around in your mind, allowing LIFE #1 to drift to sea, and imagine
what it would be like.
• What are the positive, meaningful outcomes I’ll experience if I choose LIFE #2?
• What are the negative, meaningful losses I’ll experience because I do NOT choose LIFE
#1?
When you’re 85 years old, which one would you regret NOT doing more?
After doing this exercise, which option feels like it is best for you?
What can you do to honor, accept, and release the other option and be at peace with it?
Empowering Your Vision of the Hero’s Journey

At this point, you are ready to fully move forward. Return to the Hero’s Journey activity and
reflect on any ways your story has changed. Do you see the story of what already happened to
you any differently? Have you progressed further along the journey? What step to you feel you
are at now?
This is the moment that the hero does the number one most important act that puts them in
control of their destiny. The hero takes control of the pen… that writes the story… They take
back their power from anyone that used to try to control their story. They take their power back
from any obstacles that may exist, knowing there is always a path around them.
The hero looks at the trail ahead and sits down to write the rest of their story.
Going on Your Vision Quest
And that’s exactly what you’re going to do now—go on a vision quest. Looking forward at your
next steps in the hero’s journey and the dreams you have for your life, develop a vision of how
your story will unfold.
Allow the steps in the journey to unfold in your mind, like a movie. Imagine what it will look
like, feel like, and who will be there at different steps in your path.
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Create as much detail in your mind as possible. You can do this with your eyes opened or closed.
You can follow the steps in the hero’s journey or allow the vision to unfold naturally.
When you get to the end of your quest, pause to really enjoy the moment. Imagine yourself
celebrating your success, living authentically as yourself, and sharing your gifts with others.
What does it feel like to be the hero of your own life story?
Writing Down Your Vision
After you’ve imagined your quest unfolding, the next step is to write it down. You can use the
hero’s journey activity and fill in the steps, or you can write down a summary of what you saw.
When writing down your vision, use the following 4 guidelines, called the 4 P’s, to help your
words speak directly to your unconscious mind in a way that makes your vision believable.
• Present Tense (as if it’s happening now, not past or future—no “will” or “ed”)
• Personal Perspective (“I” and “me” statements)
• Positive Language (avoid words like “not” or “don’t”)
• Passionate (put emotion behind it—remember the pain/pleasure)
You can make a visual representation of your vision or keep a copy of what you’ve create
somewhere you can read it daily. As you continue moving forward along your journey, hold the
image in your mind of WHO YOU TRULY ARE, standing in your power, determining your
destiny with every step you make.
Journey on.
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Creating Change—The Practical Steps
Identifying What It Will Take AND Getting on the Bridge
There are two ways to get on the bridge to your dreams:
1) Take a small step: What small step can you take today that officially starts you on the
journey over the bridge to your dreams?
2) Live AS IF you are already there: What will it FEEL LIKE to be living in that state of
authenticity, love, and meaning?
Below, do a recap of what you’ve discovered on your journey.

What are your top 2 human needs?
Where are you currently in the change cycle? Where do you tend to get stuck?
Where are you currently in your hero’s journey?
What is the greater purpose you have discovered in your pain or challenges?
What are your top 3 TRUE desires?
What area(s) of your life are in need of the most transformation?
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What are the most important roles that you need to change in order to be living in authenticity?
Which of the identity archetypes are you? How do you feel about this?
What did you identify as your greatest talents and gifts?
What are you the most passionate about?
What did you discover to be your life’s mission—your greater purpose?
Who is your favorite role model? In what ways do you see yourself in this person?
After learning about your true abilities to learn and grow in any area, how do you feel about your
ability to change not only the circumstances of your life, but also your behaviors and skills as
well?
Which of the irrational core beliefs did you identify that you suffer from the most? How do you
choose to think about this now?
What were the excuses that you identified that you use the most and that hold you back?
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How do you think about each of them now, in a more empowering way?
Did you determine any specific beliefs you wanted to change using the table-leg method? If so,
what are the new beliefs?
Have you changed any of your assumptions about reality?
What are your favorite 1 to 3 affirmations or incantations that you created for yourself?
What decisions have you made regarding how you are going to filter your exposure to influences
in your environment and the people you surround yourself with?
What are the top 1 to 3 roadblocks you identified and what solutions have you identified for how
to prepare in advance for getting around them?
What triggers or habits have you determined you would like to change? What are your plans for
changing them?
What strategies have you identified for practicing uncertainty to become more accustomed to the
uncertainty of life change?
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What successes did you identify in the past (in your change resume) that inspire you to know that
you CAN and WILL succeed through the life changes you are embarking on?
Did you determine any deeper level issues that you were covering up with “safe” problems? If
so, how do you feel now that you know what is really going on?
What is the biggest benefit you identified of making these life changes?
What is your biggest source of resistance?
Why is the benefit SO MUCH MORE important to you than the resistance?
If you identified any decisions you are having difficulty making, which one do you feel you
would regret NOT doing at the end of your life, and why?
Summarize the vision you created for your future:
What symbolic ceremony are you going to do in order to commit to your journey and/or
celebrate your transformation?
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Setting Long-Term Goals
Achieving any life goal requires knowing 3 things, which we refer to as “The 3 D’s.” In order to
know these 3 things, you must ask 3 questions:
• Desire: What do you really want?
• Drive: Why do you want it?
• Do: What do you need to do? (which we’ll get into in the coming videos)
Desire: What do you really want?
Step 1: Brainstorm: Write down everything you can think of (big or small) that you would like
to change, achieve or do. For the sake of illustration, we’ll be focusing on long term goals that
are within a year. Your goals can be nearer or farther, but a year is a good timeframe to work
with when discussing the activities in this program. If you have a goal that will take longer than
1 year, identify what part of it you CAN do in 1 year and write it down. Goals can be personal,
work-related, or both.
Step 2: Simplify: Look at your list and group items that are similar or that can be combined into
one larger goal.
Step 3: Prioritize: Look at your simplified goals and circle the ones you feel are your highest
priority. Rate each circled goal on a scale of 1 to 3, 1 being the highest priority and 3 being the
least.
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Step 4: Identify 1 to 2 major goals for this year: Looking at your priorities, identify 1 to 2
goals that:
1. Will make the biggest impact on your life
2. Will take about a year to implement
My Top Goals:
1)
2)
SMART Goals
SMART GOALS are: S M A R T
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic
Time Framed
One last step… OUTCOMES
1)
2)
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Drive: Why do you want it?
Knowing Young “WHY”: Look at the goals you’ve identified and ask yourself the following
questions (for each goal):
Major goal: Why is this What is the desired What will happen if
desirable? outcome? this goal is not met?
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Monthly Milestones
Charting the Course
Now that you’ve identified where you want to be in 1 year (your 1-2 major goals), you can chart
a course to get there. The next step is to break down each major go into smaller sub-goals. This
is called “chunking”. Think of your goals as the “big picture” and your sub goals or milestones
as the bit-sized achievements that make your goal approachable and keep you motivated.
Identifying your monthly sub-goals helps you very clearly see the path to accomplishing your
1-2 major goals for the year.
The idea: Considering where you want to be in 12 months, start thinking about what would you
need to accomplish in 9 months? And where would you need to be in 6 months to be on your
way to the 9 month milestones? What about 3 months from now? Of course, you don’t know
exactly how and when everything will unfold—you are making your best guess.
The key to planning is to make one, while remembering that your plan will change.
Monthly Milestones: What are milestones or sub-goals you’ll need to accomplish?
The first step is to break down your long-term goal into smaller milestones. This is called
“chunking”. Think of your goals as the “big picture” and your sub goals or milestones as the bit-
sized achievements that make your goal approachable and keep you motivated. You’ll get into
more detailed tasks and action steps later.
This process is like reverse engineering the outcome you want (your goal) to determine how you
got there (your plan). Considering where you want to be in 12 months, start thinking about what
would you need to accomplish in 9 months? And where would you need to be in 6 months to be
on your way to the 9 month milestones? What about 3 months from now? Of course, you don’t
know exactly how and when everything will unfold—you are making your best guess. The key to
planning is to make one, while remembering that your plan will change.
At the same time, looking at all of these goals can feel overwhelming. But, there is good news!
You only have to focus on what is NEXT—not the whole process. Just like traveling across the
country, you cannot take all the turns at once—they come one at a time.
• BRAINSTORM: For each of your major, yearly goals, make a list of all of the sub-goals
you can think of. List everything you’ll need to do, have or accomplish in order to reach
this goal. (You may need to use additional space.)
84
Additional brainstorming space.
• GROUP: On the next page, you will group smaller sub-goals from above into broader
categories or MAJOR MILESTONES. (Approximately 12.)
• ORDER: Put them in order—meaning, ask yourself what has to be completed FIRST,
before other milestones can be worked on?
85
My Milestones:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
11)
12)
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60-Day Plan
Now it’s time to create your short-term goals. Create a NEW list that focuses only on the first 2
months (60 days), or your first 2 milestones.
BRAINSTORM: What the tasks you will need to accomplish in the next 60 days (look at the
next 2 milestones) in order to accomplish your sub-goals? Write down EVERYTHING you can
think of.
• PRIORITIZE: Next you will arrange them in order of priority and what NEEDS to be
done first before moving on to the other things. Circle the ones that need to be done first.
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1-Month Plan
Take those priority items and put them in a list for month (below) 1. Put the rest in a list for
month 2, and save it for later.
For each of these items, brainstorm ALL of the TASKS that will need to be accomplished in
order to accomplish these sub-goals in 30 days. Write down everything you can think of. Detail
is important here because these tasks need to be executable and not leave anything out.
Prioritize each item on a scale of 1 to 4 by writing the numbers next to each item. 1 represents
the most important OR needs to be done before you can begin on other tasks and 4 being least
important or time-sensitive. You now have the next 4 weeks’ tasks (1 through 4).
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Weekly and Daily Planning
WEEKLY PLANNING IS THE #1 MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF PLANNING.
A small percent of the population sets goals and creates plans that get them to this point. If you
get this far, you’re ahead of the game. However, most people who reach the point of having a
plan for the month still don’t accomplish their goals. Why? WEEKLY PLANNING IS THE #1
MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF PLANNING.
Why? Because THIS is where PLANNING meets ACTION. By their very nature, sub-goals in
your 30, 60 or yearly plan CANNOT be action items NOW. But, you CAN take actions NOW
that will keep you on your path to achieving these milestones.
Without a weekly plan, the week will unfold and no steps toward the goal will be made because
existing responsibilities and other’s priorities will fill the time.
Weekly Planning
First, determine WHERE you are going to put the action list, in a daily planner, on a white board
where it can be seen, or in a planning or task app. Next, schedule a weekly strategy session. In
order to establish the habit of a weekly strategy session, you absolutely MUST SCHEDULE IT
IN! Even if you are working on your own, private, goals, choose a time that you will sit down for
20-30 minutes EVERY WEEK to plan the coming week’s tasks.
Write Your “Ta-Da” List
Why do we call it a “ta-da” list? “To-do” sounds like an unpleasant list of tasks that you have to
do, while “ta-da” is more inspirational. Every time we finish a task, we cross it off and say “ta-
da!” Celebrating even the little victories gives us a sense of accomplishment and builds
momentum. We enjoy it so much, in fact, that if we find that we’ve completed a task that we
didn’t already have on our list, we ADD IT to the list just so we can cross it off!
Take the Priority 1 items from your Monthly Plan and write them down as Actionable Tasks. If
needed, break tasks even further into action steps.
• IDENTIFY TASKS: Take the #1 priorities you identified in your 30-day plan. Break
down these tasks further if needed in order to identify everything you would need to do to
accomplish these sub-goals this week
• PRIORITIZE: Identify which tasks are a priority (mark 1 through 3) and plan to do level
1 FIRST.
• PLAN: Schedule any tasks that are time-framed and assign other tasks to specific days of
the week, when required. Keep the rest of your week’s list someplace easily accessible to
refer to throughout the week when identifying daily goals. (See video and worksheet for
Daily Goals.)
89
o If items need to be completed on a specific day, note this.
o If items are priorities that absolutely must be completed this week, star or highlight them
and focus on these FIRST.
o As you accomplish things, cross them off. Keep them there to show you what you’ve
done!
o Remember that sometimes life happens and not everything on your list for the week will
happen. That's okay, simply move it forward to the next week!
Create Your Daily Plan:
Every day, look at what you have on your schedule as well as your weekly Ta-Da list. Write in
your sub-goals/tasks for the day, and then IGNORE EVERYTHING ELSE.
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The Journey Continues
Symbolism & Ceremony
When experiencing life transformation, there are often milestones or significant moments that
should be acknowledged. Acknowledging these important moments is a powerful way to not
only reinforce the changes, but positively reinforce everything it took to get to that point. Some
type of symbolic activity or ceremony is a great way to tell the unconscious mind that this
transformation is official, real. At the same time, a ceremony can be used in advance of
accomplishing the desired outcome, as a commitment to the process or a release of the past.
A symbolic ceremony can be conducted in person or in the imagination. Here are two examples:
• Burning Ceremony: Print or write either the accomplished goal or the old belief,
behavior, or past activity that is being acknowledged and released. Read it, thank it for its
role in serving to help you become the person you are today. Then burn it safely in a
firepit, a can, or a patch of dirt. While it burns, celebrate that it is being released.
• Visualization: Close your eyes, take 3 deep breaths, and bring into your mind the story
or images that represent what is being acknowledged and released, almost as if you’re
watching a movie. Then imagine turning off the movie, putting the film screen or DVD it
is on into a small sail boat, and sending it off to sea. As you watch it gently drift away,
acknowledge that you are releasing it and letting it go.
There are many other ways to create some form of symbolic ceremony to signify important
milestones, life changes, accomplishments, or the release of something that is not serving you.
You can write a letter to yourself, burn an item that represents the situation, tie a note to a rock
and sink it, release balloons, release a floating lantern, gather a group of people and make public
declaration, giving yourself a symbolic gift, and the list goes on.
What symbolic ceremony will you create for yourself?
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For other workbooks and the online courses that accompany them,
visit www.transformationacademy.com.
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The Complete Guide to

Need 4: Love & Connection

• How do you currently meet these needs?

• What do you believe is necessary for your need to be met?

Where are you stuck in the change cycle?

Which method do you want to use to break the cycle?

Are you ready for it to stop? __Yes __No

Have you experienced change amnesia before? If so, when?

What will happen if you continue NOT to change?

• You don’t want to change.

Step 1: Ordinary Life

Step 2: The Call

Step 3: Refusal of the Call

Step 4: The Guide

Step 5: The Threshold

Step 7: The Approach of the Innermost Cave

Step 8: The Ordeal

Step 10: The Road Back

Step 11: Rebirth

I do NOT want: I DO want:

AREA WHAT DO I WANT? WHY DO I WANT IT?

Say, “Yes, I want more of this!” to the things you like.

Digging Deeper into “Why”

How would it make you feel?

What would happen if I didn’t have, do, or be this?

Why does that matter?

The Wheel of Life: Identifying What Areas Need Your Attention

Interpreting Your Wheel

Questions to Determine Goals

• What number on the scale do you want to be?

• What actions can you take to start moving up the scale?

• How will achieving this affect others close to you?

• What will achieving this bring you that you want?

• Where can you learn these skills?

• What other options do you have?

• What is your career? (Fireman, teacher, sales, programmer, etc.)

• What benefits would you get from removing or changing them?

• Life is for: freedom and happiness

The Good Neighbor:

• Life is for: connecting to others, belonging

• Life is for: proving one’s worth, courage

• Life is for: protect, care for, rescue others

• Life is for: freedom to discover yourself through exploring

• Life is for: breaking rules, revolution or revenge

• Life is for: intimacy, connection, relationship and being attractive

• Life is for: creating things of enduring value, making visions reality

• Life is for: living in the moment

• Life is for: seeking the truth, growth

• Life is for: control and power, winning

Which of these archetypes do you feel represent you the most?

What aspects match your personality the strongest?

• What did you LOVE to do the most?

• What did you want to be when you grew up?

Lastly, ask the following questions about your current life:

• What would you like to change in the world?

Becoming Your Best Self—How Would I Need to Think and Behave?

• What needs to be changed about my BEHAVIOR?

• How are you not using your potential?

I like working on things that make me think

Are you ready for it to stop? Yes No