My Father 4

As a child I grew up in the UK with my parents; I had 10 brothers and sisters, and I
was the youngest. My other brother and sisters had left home, and I was still at home living in
a creepy old house, just with another brother or two.
When my sisters were visiting and then leaving, they were very loud. But when they
left, it was quiet and eerie. The long hallways upstairs and downstairs, the winding staircase,
and old fireplaces in every room made it creepier. Since I was growing up with older brothers
I had to go and play football and do all boy things which made me become like a tom boy.
After a few days I met an older girl who lived two doors up and we did a lot of things
together and I enjoyed more than I did with my brothers. My friend Lisa took me everywhere
and enjoyed doing things like roller booting and bicycling. We both enjoyed playing records
and had fun. Then my Father died when I was 13 years old, I still remember the last thing he
said to me “you need to eat more and stay healthy” as he handed me his hospital orange. He
always cared for me which made his death really upsetting and I had to take a year off school.
I don’t think I knew how to deal with how upsetting this was at the time, so I just kept crying.
I just felt like running away, there was no support for me even though I had a large family
since my brothers and sisters were looking after my mum and I was on my own.
I went to stay with my sister for a while, Lorraine, while my other sisters looked after
my mum. It was good staying with my other older sister because she had a large old
fashioned basement apartment with its own library. I loved reading books and I would spend
my days alone watching the TV show, Hiedi, and reading books all day.
Since I was having a year off school, I now could do what I wanted to do. Even
though I had just lost my father, I think having things to do took me out of the situation. After
my father passed away, a lot things changed. My mum wasn’t the same anymore and I could
sense her sadness which didn’t help me. All the happiness like Christmas was over and I felt
empty and sad. I think what you go through as a child shape and changes you into wanting
the opposite of what you see your family behaving as you just don’t want to go through the
same situation again.
As a kid, my mum would hide things with an intention of protecting me. She would
do that to maybe think it won’t upset me. But I remember her telling me by the fire after my
bath when I was young that “you are special you are. I had when I was 50.” I think that’s why
she stayed with my sisters because she didn’t want to show me how upset she was. Only
looking back, at the time I didn’t realize it, now I realize that’s what she was doing.
I suddenly realized why I didn’t see her because she didn’t want me to see how upset
she was. I think she didn’t know how to cope. But I think if she did all those things as
normal, it would have been better for me. I look back on it and it makes me so depressed, it’s
just a horrible feeling. You know everything is different, you know things have changed. She
thought it was protecting me, but it wasn’t. There needed to be some routine going on at least
to feel secure but I felt insecure. She made the emptiness of my dad not being there feel even
more worse.
I think it affected me forever. When I think about that time, it feels like yesterday
because it really hurt. When you grow up it shapes for who you are, but luckily, I was mixed
with other people who were positive, and I needed the normality around me to feel secure. It
took a very long time to get rid of the awful feeling that surrounded the death of my father.
Being in a different environment I feel is good for me, because I may have the
memory of that moment, I feel happy.
Growing up as a teenager after losing my dad I didn’t know what to do. I was all over the
place and was struggling to handle my depression and loneliness. Nothing was ever addressed
at the time. In the end, I ended up being more with my friends than my family. My friends
acted more normal and that’s when I became happier because this took me out of my shell. I
felt better when I committed to people that were not my family. I feel closer today to my
friends than my family. Lisa, my favorite friend at the time, really encouraged me to become
independent I would always ask her “Are we going to America?” and she would just say “Yes
of course Katy we’re going to sort it all out.” I feel like this ended up being a good thing for
me, going out and mixing with my friends. They gave me a different attitude to life where
there is happiness, and everything blooms and I can even share their Christmases.
How my family and my mum reacted at the time made me realize this is how I
wouldn’t want my life to be like, I wanted something different. I wanted to stay the same
before my father’s death, I didn’t need anything to change, but I felt like being with them I
was feeling miserable. After my father’s death coping on my own felt hard, I felt sad that he
was gone, but I felt like it was the environment that was making me sad. At that age when I
lost my father, I was quite independent from my family, as I found it very easy talking to and
making friends outside of the family. I was just naturally like that, so it was beneficial to me.
I feel my father is always with me in spirit, and always has been since he died. So, I feel
reassured, and I believe that he is always watching over me. I can sense him looking after me
as I add new people into my life since he was very protective of me and never wanted me to
get hurt.

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As a child I grew up in the UK with my parents; I had 10 brothers and sisters, and I

a creepy old house, just with another brother or two.

same situation again.

memory of that moment, I feel happy.

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