The graph below presents the employment patterns in the USA between 1930 and

2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and
make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph presents data on the proportion of American workers employed in five
sectors: industrial, technical, sales and office, other service, and farming, fishing, and
foresting, over nearly a decade from 1930 to 2010.

It is clear that the industrial, technical, and sales and office sectors emerged as major
employers throughout the given period,. In contrast, there was a sharp downward trend in
the agricultural sector, declining significantly from the most prevalent sector to the least by
the end of the period.

Regarding industries in 1930, a negligible number of Americans were employed in industrial

and technical occupations, and with only 10% pursuing sales and office occupations.
Thereafter, after remaining stable until 1960, the industrial sector began attracting more
workers, with its percentage gradually increasing to nearly 35% by 2000 and remaining at
that level in 2010. Similar upward trends were observed in the technical and sales and office
sectors, as their rates underwent steady increases, to around 30% and 20% respectively in
the final year, making them the second and third most common occupations.

On the other hand, despite being the dominant sector in 1930, with approximately 75% of
the labor force engaged in farming, fishing, and forestry, this sector experienced a significant
decline over the years, reaching a low of only 5% by 2010. Furthermore, the percentage of
other sectors increased from 10% to 15% in the first ten years, after which it stabilized at
10% for the remainder of the period.

Sửa lỗi ngữ pháp nâng cao

Error: "the given period,." Correction: "the given period." Explanation: The sentence ends
with a comma followed by a period, which is incorrect punctuation. A sentence should end
with only one punctuation mark. In this case, the comma should be removed.

Error: "falling dramatically from by far the most popular sector to the least by the end of the
timeframe." Correction: "falling dramatically from being by far the most popular sector to the
least by the end of the timeframe." Explanation: The phrase "from by far the most popular
sector" is missing the verb "being." The corrected version clarifies that the agricultural sector
was "being" the most popular at the start, which makes the sentence grammatically correct.

Error: "at just only 10% pursued sales and office occupations." Correction: "with just 10%
pursuing sales and office occupations." Explanation: The phrase "at just only" is redundant
because "just" and "only" convey the same meaning. Additionally, "pursued" should be
changed to "pursuing" to maintain parallel structure with "engaged" earlier in the sentence.

Error: "after having remained consistent until 1960, the industrial sector began attracting
more workers" Correction: "after remaining consistent until 1960, the industrial sector began
attracting more workers" Explanation: The phrase "after having remained" is unnecessarily
complex. The simpler "after remaining" conveys the same meaning more clearly and
concisely.

Error: "ending at its highest level of nearly 35% in 2000 and 2010." Correction: "ending at
its highest level of nearly 35% in both 2000 and 2010." Explanation: The original phrasing
could imply that the percentage was the same in both years, but it’s clearer to specify "in
both 2000 and 2010" to avoid ambiguity.

Error: "Similar upward trends were also witnessed in technical and sales and office terms,"
Correction: "Similar upward trends were also witnessed in the technical and sales and
office sectors," Explanation: The phrase "in technical and sales and office terms" is
awkward and unclear. Using "sectors" clarifies that these are categories of employment,
making the sentence more precise.

Error: "with approximately 75% of the labor force employed in farming, fishing, and
foresting, this sector experienced a dramatic drop over the years," Correction: "with
approximately 75% of the labor force employed in farming, fishing, and foresting, this sector
experienced a dramatic drop over the years." Explanation: This sentence is grammatically
correct, but it can be improved for clarity. Consider rephrasing to avoid the comma splice by
connecting it to the next sentence with a conjunction or rephrasing it entirely.

Error: "reaching a low of just only 5% by 2010." Correction: "reaching a low of just 5% by
2010." Explanation: Similar to a previous error, "just only" is redundant. Using just "just 5%"
is sufficient and grammatically correct.

Error: "the percentage of other industries rose from 10% to 15% in 10 first years,"
Correction: "the percentage of other industries rose from 10% to 15% in the first 10 years,"
Explanation: The phrase "10 first years" is awkward and incorrect. The correct phrasing is
"in the first 10 years," which follows standard English syntax.

Error: "after that standing a stable point at 10% for the rest of the period." Correction: "after
that, it stood at a stable point of 10% for the rest of the period." Explanation: The original
sentence lacks a subject and a comma after "after that." Adding "it" clarifies the subject, and
"stood at a stable point of" is the correct phrasing to indicate stability in the percentage.

Task Achievement
Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but it does
not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay presents some key features, but it
does not adequately highlight all of them. For example, the essay does not mention the fact
that the "other services" sector remained relatively stable throughout the period.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the
main trends and by highlighting all of the key features of the graph. The essay could also be
improved by using more precise language to describe the changes in the data. For example,
instead of saying "there was a sharp downward trend," the essay could say "the percentage
of workers employed in the agricultural sector decreased dramatically."

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall
progression from the introduction to the main body. However, while the organization of ideas
is generally logical, there are instances where the flow could be improved. For example, the
transition between discussing the upward trends in industrial, technical, and sales sectors
and the downward trend in agriculture could be more fluid. The use of cohesive devices is
evident, but there are moments of awkward phrasing and mechanical cohesion, such as
"after having remained consistent until 1960," which could be simplified for clarity.
Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the discussion of different
sectors could be better segmented into distinct paragraphs for clarity.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on refining
the transitions between ideas and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic.
Using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, rather than mechanically, would
also improve the flow of the essay. Furthermore, organizing the information into more distinct
paragraphs based on themes or trends would help clarify the progression of ideas.

Lexical Resource
Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the
task, effectively conveying the main features of the graph. The use of terms like "proportion,"
"employers," "downward trend," and "dramatic drop" indicates an attempt to use less
common vocabulary. However, thereare noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and
collocation, such as "just only" (which is redundant) and "standing a stable point," which
could be phrased more naturally. Additionally, there are some spelling and grammatical
errors, such as "farming, fishing, and foresting" (the term should be "forestry") and "10 first
years" (which should be "first ten years"). These errors do not impede communication but do
detract from the overall lexical quality.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding
their vocabulary further, ensuring precise word choice and appropriate collocations.
Additionally, reducing grammatical errors and improving spelling accuracy will enhance
clarity. Practicing the use of more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures
can also contribute to a more natural and fluent expression of ideas.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which
is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While there are some effective complex
structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that
occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "just only" and "after that standing a
stable point" indicate issues with word choice and sentence construction. Additionally, there
are punctuation errors, such as the misplaced comma in "the given period,." Overall, while
the communication is generally clear, the errors do detract from the overall quality of the
writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing
grammatical accuracy by proofreading for common errors and awkward phrases.
Incorporating a wider variety of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are
grammatically correct will also help. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation and
avoiding redundancy in word choice can improve clarity and coherence in the essay.
Bài chữa tham khảo
The line graph presents information about the proportion of American workers employed in
five sectors: industrial, technical, sales and office, other service, and farming, fishing, and
forestry, over a period from 1930 to 2010.

It is clear that the industrial, technical, and sales and office sectors emerged as major
employers throughout the given period. In contrast, there was a sharp downward trend in the
agricultural sector, which fell dramatically from being by far the most popular sector to the
least by the end of the timeframe.

Regarding employment in 1930, virtually no Americans were engaged in industrial and

technical jobs, and only 10% pursued sales and office occupations. Thereafter, after
remaining consistent until 1960, the industrial sector began attracting more workers, with its
percentage rising gradually, ending at its highest level of nearly 35% in 2000 and 2010.
Similar upward trends were also observed in the technical and sales and office sectors, as
their rates underwent steady increases, reaching around 30% and 20% respectively in the
final year, making them the second and third most common occupations.

On the other hand, despite being the dominant industry in 1930, with approximately 75% of
the labor force employed in farming, fishing, and forestry, this sector experienced a dramatic
decline over the years, reaching a low of just 5% by 2010. Furthermore, the percentage of
workers in other industries rose from 10% to 15% in the first ten years, before stabilizing at
10% for the remainder of the period.