ENHANCED EMOTIONAL

INTELLIGENCE
CONVERSATIONS

Prepared by Dr Mario Denton

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND COPYRIGHT

Our views, various findings, insights and conclusions in this material stem from my
extensive reading of the work of a number of authors but also from marking literally
hundreds of assignments and study projects over the past 25 years and being
influenced by ideas contained therein, as well as directly or indirectly by students
whom we have taught on various programmes. This has been very useful in
validating, transforming and adapting our ideas, theories and concepts, as well as
providing further insight and viewpoints, and we would like to express our sincere
thanks and appreciation to these authors and students. Careful attention has been
given to stating the necessary references and acknowledging the material that we
have included. Copyright is fully acknowledged and the use of such information and
statements is in no way intended to violate any copyright or plagiarism laws. I would
welcome any comments as well as any input regarding recognition or references that
we may have omitted inadvertently. Please be assured of our bona fides in this regard,
and do not hesitate to point out any oversights in this regard so that we can make the
necessary changes.

Overall workshop outcomes:

 Explain the concept of emotional intelligence and how this impacts on leadership.
 Analysing the relationship between emotional intelligence and self-awareness in
relation to leadership.
 Analysing the relationship between emotional intelligence and self-management in
relation to leadership.
 Analysing the relationship between emotional intelligence and social awareness in
relation to leadership.
 Applying techniques for responding to situations in an emotionally intelligent manner.
 Demonstrating knowledge and understanding of the principles and concepts of
emotional intelligence in respect of life and work relations.
 Analysing the role of emotional intelligence in interpersonal and intrapersonal
relationships in life and work situations.
 Analysing the impact of emotional intelligence on life and work interactions.ping.
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 Evaluating own level of emotional intelligence in order to determine development

areas.

1 EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN THE WORKPLACE

 Most experts now agree that one of the keys to success in the workplace is a high degree of
emotional intelligence.
 EQ can be learnt and improved at any age by acquiring the skills and applying them to social
situations. This cannot be done by most of the other intelligences. By improving your
emotional intelligence you are enabled to reach your potential, in other words EQ may help
you to use your brain (intellect) more efficiently.
 Public imagination regarding emotional intelligence was first captured with the release of the
book “Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ,” (Bantam, 1995) by
psychologist Daniel Goleman, PhD.
 They described emotional intelligence as “a form of social intelligence that involves the ability
to monitor one’s own and other’s feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to
use this information to guide one’s thinking and action” (Salovey & Mayer, 1990).

What is emotional intelligence?

It is a type of personal and social intelligence, which includes the following:
 The ability to perceive, recognise, understand and react to the thoughts and feelings of yourself
and those of others (emotional awareness);
 To be able to distinguish between various feelings and to name them (emotional literacy);
 The ability to express and control your feelings appropriately (emotional control);
 To be able to listen to others, to have empathy with them and to communicate effectively in terms
of emotions and thoughts and
 To use the information in directing your thoughts and actions with the result that you live
effectively, motivated and with a goal in mind (relation between thoughts, feelings and behaviour).

What are the benefits of being emotionally intelligent?

There are several benefits of being emotionally intelligent:
 You gain emotional awareness that enables you to recognise your own feelings. You know the
origin and difference between thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
 It is possible for you to find a balance between expressing and controlling your feelings.
 There is balance between your thoughts and feelings.
 You realise that you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and reactions.
 You have empathy with the feelings of others and can understand it.
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 Your improved communication skills give rise to healthier relationships with others.
 You have the skills to assert yourself. You provide for fulfilling your needs without intruding with
the rights of others. It is possible for you to say “no” to demands that could interfere with the
balance between your work and your family life.
 It is possible for you to formulate goals that make your life interesting, more effective and more
balanced.
 Emotional baggage can be left behind while the increasing energy makes it possible for the new
you to strive towards new ideals.

Why is emotional intelligence important in the work place?

 In his book “Working With Emotional Intelligence” (Bantam, 1998) Goleman focuses on the need
for emotional intelligence at work, an area often considered more head than heart. He argues that
bosses and leaders need high doses of emotional intelligence and so does every person in a
people-oriented job
 A successful manager with a high EQ is able to adapt to change and is not too harshly critical,
manipulative, insensitive, overly demanding or untrustworthy. Employees with outstanding
technical skills but poor social skills should not be promoted to be managers. (HayGroup, 1999).
 A quote from Time Magazine says: “ IQ (intellectual intelligence) gets you hired, but EQ (emotional
intelligence) gets you promoted.” .
 Our effectiveness depends not only on knowledge and intellect, but also on the heart and feelings.
A business consultant, Dr. June Donaldson, (author of the book “Emotional SMARTS”) is of the
opinion that emotional intelligence is 80% responsible for determining success in life, while
intellectual ability is only responsible for 20%.
 Emotionally intelligent people are better positioned to increase their personal and professional
effectiveness, enhance their relationships and make more effective life and business decisions.
EQ encompasses abilities such as self-motivation, persistence, mood management and the ability
to think and hope. In great teams conflict becomes productive. The free flow of conflicting ideas
and feelings is critical for creative thinking, for discovering new solutions no one individual would
have come to on his own. (Peter Senge)

Different jobs also call for different types of emotional intelligence

The most successful recruiters in the US Air Force scored significantly higher in the emotional
intelligent competencies of Assertiveness, Empathy, Happiness and Emotional Self-Awareness. The
Air Force also found that by using emotional intelligence to select recruiters, they increased their
ability to predict successful recruiters by nearly three-fold (1998).
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In a National Insurance Company, insurance sales agents who were weak in emotional competencies
such as self-confidence, initiative and empathy sold policies with an average premium of $54,000.
Those who were very strong in at least 5 of 8 key emotional competencies sold policies worth
$114,000 (Hay/McBer Research and Innovation Group, 1997).

Research by the Centre for Creative Leadership (USA) has found that the primary causes for
derailment in executives involve deficits in emotional competence. The three primary ones are
difficulty in handling change, not being able to work well in a team, and poor interpersonal relations.

One of the foundations of emotional competence – accurate self-assessment – was associated with
superior performance among several hundred managers from 12 different organisations (Boyatzis,
1982).

EQ can be applied successfully to important workplace situations such as negotiation and

communication, dealing with difficult co-workers, problem solving, positive conflict management, work
planning, goal setting, self-knowledge, improving morale and motivation and adapting to change.
Emotionally intelligent people usually have high self-esteem, which is needed for productivity, job
satisfaction and customer service. Group harmony requires both mutual need satisfaction and mutual
respect of feelings. People who are emotionally efficient are at the heart of successful organisations.
They are able to provide the spirit, direction and results needed to breathe life into the strategic plans
and business processes.

Problems caused by negative feelings in the workplace are the following:

Unwanted staff turnover, low productivity, negative company politics, strikes, stayaways, absenteeism,
lost work time, dishonesty, decrease in creativity, fear of risk-taking, criticism, judgement and
disapproval. Unmet emotional needs (UEN’s) cause the majority of problems at work. The emotionally
intelligent manager knows how to identify and manage UEN’s of both the customer and the employee.
When our emotional needs are met, we experience positive feelings. These feelings have the
following results: productivity, motivation, patience, creativity, co-operation, flexibility, understanding,
and empathy.

AMERICAN EXPRESS FINANCIAL ADVISORS reported the following results, which they directly
attributed to the skills gained with the program:

 11% increase in sales for leaders trained

 18% increase in advisor production
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 13.5% increase in coping skills

 88% of leaders report job relevance
 91% of participants report positive personal benefit.

For example, one issue they feel strongly about, is that this learning cannot be done in a one-day
seminar as one must first unlearn old habits and then develop new ones. This usually means a long
and sometimes difficult process involving much practice.

It is also very important that the presenters of such a programme are empathetic, warm and genuine
and that they are capable of coping with strong feelings from the course-goers. Not every motivational
speaker or trainer is capable of this. The presenters have to be able to understand and motivate the
people in the group, but are sensitive enough not to ask too much personal information. The prospect
of needing to develop greater emotional competence is a bitter pill for many to swallow. This is why
change is often met with resistance and the presenters should be aware of this. The EQ Proficient
course is compiled as such that no-one is pressured into giving information they are not ready or
willing to give, without decreasing the value of the learning experience.

Remember to start with the following in improving the EQ in your workplace:

 Start talking about feelings.
 Start respecting them.
 Start assigning value to them.
 Include feelings in decision-making and problem solution.
 Listen to the most sensitive people in the organisation.
 Strike a balance between emotion and logic.
 Develop the EQ skills throughout the organisation, starting from top to bottom.
 Prohibit invalidation of feelings.
 Make your business a place of mutual respect for feelings.
 Identify the key feelings important for success.
 Establish feeling goals for employees and customers.

Be a great employee through EQ

 When there’s a problem, speak up self-assertively and with self-respect.
 Know what you want from this job and how you feel about it.
 Know how well you are performing from day to day.
 It is important to know what your boss feels.
 Know the values of the organisation and how you feel about them.
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Ten ways to stay happy and productive on the job:

 Use your body to sharpen your mind - exercise is important.
 Invite feelings as well as output. Make it safe for people to tell you how they feel and they will work
harder and better.
 Establish emotional boundaries. Intimacy with a boss, employee or co-worker can flood the work
place with emotional memories that cause thoughtful, reasonable professionals to lose their
objectivity and provoke resentment in on looking co-workers.
 Make no decision on data alone. Use your intuition - how do you feel about the position you’re
taking?
 Be flexible. Be ready to modify long-term goals.
 Be generous. When a point of conflict means more to the other person than you, yield graciously;
you’ll earn your co-workers’ gratitude and support.
 Begin any negative comment with a positive one.
 Speak out when you feel something is important.
 Listen with empathy, using your emotions will never distract you from the task at hand.
 Take the risk of appearing imperfect. High performers ask for help when they need it and admit to
being wrong when they made a mistake. Then they move on, effective and efficient.

Conclusion
It is time to admit that we need to be emotionally more competent. The good news is that emotional
intelligence can be learnt and developed at any age. Smart companies are realising that they can’t
continue being emotionally deficient or worse still, EQ retards, if they want to succeed in the world of
business. It is necessary that business leaders urgently develop and capitalise on EQ as a competitive
edge. Goleman said (1995) “Emotional intelligence, the skills that help people harmonize, should
become increasingly valued as a workplace asset in the years to come.”

All success means is moulding yourself into the person you want to be and having a healthy level of
EQ is what makes the difference. Robert Frost wrote: “Every day an untold number of bright and
efficient managers and professionals check the best of themselves at the door before coming in to
work - and it takes a direct or indirect human and financial toll on all of us. What gets left behind is the
heart.”

As emotional intelligence is about people and their innermost functioning, ensure that you choose the
right course and the most capable presenters for your company in order to maximise growth and the
positive outcome you are looking for.
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Emotional Quotient can be more important to life satisfaction and success than IQ argues Goleman
1996, because it includes the extent to which we are able to:

 Identify and name feelings

 Identify the thoughts and meaning that are associated with the feelings
 Express feelings which have been suppressed
 Exercise self-control
 Identify and solve problems systematically
 Listen to and understand the feelings and point of view of others
 Communicate what we feel and think honesty and clearly
 Take responsibility for the consequences of the choices we make and the way we behave
 Accept our own feelings and those of others without blame and judgement.

Source and Full Recognition:

Dr. Ronél le Roux and Dr Rina de Klerk
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2. NEW LEADERSHIP CHALLENGES: AN EMOTIONAL AND

SPIRITUAL IDENTITY PERSPECTIVE

By

Mario Denton

“I fall, I stand still … I trudge on, I gain a little … I get more eager and climb
higher and begin to see the widening horizon. Every struggle is a victory.”
- Helen Keller

Blurb: High emotional intelligence (EQ) delivers initiative, innovation and creativity, while the cost of
low EQ can be measured in terms of time wasted in unresolved conflict, locked-in potential and stress-
related illnesses.

'In those fields I have studied, emotional intelligence is much more powerful than IQ in determining
who emerges as a leader. IQ is a threshold competence. You need it, but it doesn't make you a star.
Emotional intelligence can' (Warren Bennis in On becoming a leader).

High emotional intelligence (EQ) delivers initiative, innovation and creativity, while the cost of low EQ
can be measured in terms of time wasted in unresolved conflict, locked-in potential and stress-related
illnesses.

Most people bring only 70% of their potential to work. The balance is locked away because their
working environment does not motivate them to share their latent potential. An 'innovative' company
creates initiative in people. High EQ produces people who are sure of issues and able to perform well.
A strong link exists between body and mind in terms of health. Low EQ can be detrimental to people's
health because their lives are more stressful.

Most businesses rely on good teamwork for effective operations. High EQ enhances teamwork and
reduces stress.
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Traits of an emotionally intelligent person

These traits include:
 Being self-aware, motivated and perceiving others accurately
 Being able to manage emotions to create well-defined outcomes
 Being emotionally literate, recognising when underlying emotions are being blanketed
 Preparing for interactions with people by looking at the psychological process as well as the task
 Thinking positively and not quitting easily
 Being sincere and clearing things up even when it requires a difficult confrontation
 Having increased flexibility and letting go of outdated visions and plans
 Having excellent social skills and a sense of community spirit
 Being resilient when the going gets tough, seeking mutuality in solutions
 Proactively creating a life–work balance
 Seeking personal development without a sense of personal deficit

Improve your emotional competence

EQ can be developed and improved as it has mostly to do with one's own feelings and emotions –
towards oneself and towards others. When thinking about those who had a significant influence on
you, you usually find that the characteristics you admire are emotion-based rather than based on
cognitive skills.

EQ and you
 Recognise your emotions, their effect and how you deal with them. Are you aware of your feelings
and can you accurately label each of them? It is important to know what you are feeling and why,
and to know what caused the feelings. Equally important is to realise that behaviour patterns result
from your emotions. Confront childhood experiences. Was your life filled with love and affection, or
fear and criticism?
 Remove your labels. Labels describe where you perceive you have been, not where you are. If
you give in to negative labels such as 'loser', 'failure' and 'dummy', they can predict where you are
going. Don’t cling to negative labels; discard them.
 Face your fears. You consume a lot of energy when you live in fear, and this restricts your
capacity. If you want to gain confidence, accelerate your progress and maximise your energy
levels, you must identify and plan ways to confront your fears. For example, if you fear losing your
job, become so valuable that you can’t be fired. And if you are, your special skills will open up new
opportunities. Keep refining your strengths.
 Be assertive. Assertiveness is composed of three basic components: (1) the ability to express
feelings, for example anger and warmth; (2) the ability to express beliefs and thoughts openly
(being able to voice opinions, disagree and take a definite stand); and (3) the ability to stand up for
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personal rights (not allowing others to bother you or take advantage of you).
 Be independent in your thinking and actions. Independence refers to the ability to be self-directed
and self-controlled in your thinking and actions and to be free of emotional dependency.
Independent people are self-reliant in planning and making important decisions; they function
autonomously.
 Work on your self-esteem. Self-esteem is the ability to appreciate your perceived positive aspects
and possibilities, as well as to accept your negative aspects and limitations and still feel good
about yourself. It means knowing your strengths and weaknesses, and liking yourself.
 Strive towards your maximum development. Self-actualisation is an ongoing, dynamic process of
striving towards the maximum development of your abilities and talents, of persistently trying to do
your best and improving yourself in general.
 Solve problems. This is the ability to identify and define problems as well as to generate and
implement potentially effective solutions. You can apply the TA-DA formula developed by
Cranfield, Hansen and Hewitt to assist with decision-making: Think, to consider all your options,
Ask good, focused questions, visualise the negative consequences if you don't make a decision,
make your Decision, and then Act on it.
 Tune in to your immediate situation. Assess the resemblance between what is experienced and
what objectively exists. Observe the immediate situation objectively, the way things are, rather
than the way you may wish or fear them to be.
 Be flexible. Adjust your emotions, thoughts and behaviour to changing situations and conditions.
Flexible people are agile, synergistic and capable of reacting to change, without being rigid.
 Cope with stress. Stress tolerance is the ability to withstand adverse events and stressful
situations, without falling apart, by actively and positively coping with stress.
 Watch your impulse control. Impulse control is the capacity to accept your aggressive impulses,
while being composed and controlling aggression, hostility and irresponsible behaviour.
 Enjoy yourself and others. Happiness is the ability to feel satisfied with your life, to enjoy yourself
and others and to have fun. Happy people feel good and at ease in both work and leisure.
 Be optimistic. Optimism is the ability to look on the brighter side of life and to maintain a positive
attitude even in the face of adversity.
 Analyse your internal dialogues. Take note of your internal dialogues about your appearance, the
work you are doing, your job in general, your intelligence… One's internal dialogues can
sometimes be devastating. What kind of friend are you to yourself?
 Have healthy attitudes. Dr Phil McGraw advises that you apply these four criteria ruthlessly to you
attitudes: Is it true? Does holding on to the thought or attitude serve your best interests? Do your
thoughts and attitudes advance and protect your health? Does this attitude or belief get you more
of what you want, need and deserve?
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 Analyse your defining moments in life. List your defining moments, describe each and write one
short paragraph that captures the gist of what happened. Identify your self-concept before and
after the event. What was the effect of the event on your authentic self?
 Work through your frustrations. Determine the cause of your frustrations. Can you resolve or avoid
them?
 Choose to live. Always choose life!

EQ and others
 Say no to poisonous people. Some people see the world as one big problem and, in their eyes,
you are part of it. No matter how well things are going, they focus on the small negative details.
These people are poisonous to your health.
 Invest in your emotional bank account. Who are the significant others in your life? How do they
experience you or would they describe you? What does your Emotional Bank Account look like
with your loved ones, colleagues, clients and friends?
 Demonstrate empathy. Do you demonstrate empathy by being aware of, understanding and
appreciating the feelings and thoughts of others?
 Be socially responsible. This refers to the ability to demonstrate that you are a cooperative,
contributing and constructive member of your social group.
 Maintain satisfying relationships. Establish and maintain mutually satisfying relationships that are
characterised by intimacy and by giving and receiving affection. It implies sensitivity towards
others.
 Keep your agreements. All broken relationships can be traced back to broken agreements. True
integrity is based on keeping to your agreements. When you always tell the truth, people will trust
you; when you do what you say, as promised, people will respect you.
 Forgive other people. Look at the word 'forgive'. It contains the word 'give'. You must give to be
free. Forgiveness is a choice that you can make to free yourself from an emotional prison of
anger, hatred and bitterness.
 Make a difference wherever you go. Discover where you, with your particular skills, talents,
experience and personality, can make a difference. From this day forward, focus on making that
difference.

Checklist for emotional competence

See if you can agree with the statements below. If not, work on these statements as stepping stones
towards emotional intelligence.
 I am motivated by internal factors, such as a sense of a mission in life, and honest thinking about
myself
 I am usually happy and hopeful
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 I look forward to new challenges, knowing that success is possible.

 I have a purpose in my life
 I appraise myself honestly and objectively
 I have a clear understanding of what I value in this world
 I live my life with a sense of purpose
 I allow myself to make mistakes and don’t dwell upon them
 I celebrate my mistakes and 'failures' as opportunities to learn
 Fear of failure does not hold me back from trying something new
 I can differentiate between things that I can control and things that I cannot control
 I am able to set realistic goals
 I am able to come up with manageable plans of action to achieve my goals
 I can and do ask for help when I need it
 I have written a personal mission statement
 I evaluate my choices based on my stated life purpose
 I work to fine-tune and develop my unique talents
 I am able to balance work and play

Some life lessons

Hating people in any case is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Harry Emmerson
Fosdick. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he
stands at times of challenge and controversy”. Martin Luther King JR.

What helped me through the difficult times in life, was the following:
 My spirit of forgiveness (refusing to keep score). .”A person’s true character is revealed by what he
does when no one else is watching”.
 My spirit of if you fall down, pick something up.
 My belief that you can learn a lesson from every experience. In the words of Polly Berends:
“Everything that happens to you is your teacher. The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own
life and be taught by it. Everything that happens is either a blessing which is also a lesson, or a
lesson which is also a blessing”.
 You cannot keep a good person down. The great tragedy of life is not death, but what dies inside of
us while we live.
 Stand up, believe in your passion. Don’t be problem-minded, but rather opportunity-minded.
 Everything in life happens for a reason.
 Connect with your purpose and meaning in life. The more meaning and purpose you find yourself,
the more inspired you will be in your life and the more motivates you will feel through your day. “
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More and more people today have the means to live but no meaning to live for”. Victor Frankl
 Learn from suffering. “Remember that you will draw on will increase, that which you share will
multiply, that which you withhold will diminish and that which you are born with must be claimed,
used and developed”. Colin Turner.
 Use words like blessing, healing and building up instead for cursing, wounding and tearing down
when you are feeling down.

Over the past three years I have gained the following international experience:
 Lectured in Reims, France 8 times.
 Attended classes in Hawaii and taught in Singapore.
 Gave classes twice in Dortmund, Germany.
 Read papers in Cambridge, London and Amsterdam.
 Have been to Brussels twice for a paper and also to lecture at the University of Antwerp.
 Gave classes at Aarhus in Denmark and Graz in Austria.
 Taught various international groups and also taught three times in Tanzania.

th
It was great to receive the following words on my 50 birthday from a colleague whom I regard very
highly:
• Master in his study field. He knows where he is going and what he wants to achieve.
• Available. He is available to serve, be it professionally or in friendship.
• Right standing with God. Loves God and will seek ways to please God and want God’s
blessings in what he does.
• Illuminates a servant-leadership character.
• Observant of what goes on around him. Identifies new ideas and challenges in his
surroundings.

I want to reiterate that there is something to learn in the parable of the prodigal sun:
A favourite spiritual parable to me is that of the prodigal sun. It tells the story of a young man who
takes the inheritance and leaves his father’s house, soon falling into bad habits and ways. After a
period of time he realizes his new life is not making him happy, but he is reluctant to return home,
fearing condemnation for his actions. He finally finds the courage to return to the path that takes him
back to his father, and when his father sees him coming from a distance, rather than chastising his
son, the fathers rushes joyfully out to meet him, presents him with gifts, and orders that a feast and
celebration be held in his son’s honor. Wouldn’t it be ideal if life were really like that? Well it can be,
but we must return to the ways of courage and innocence to experience it. Like the prodigal son, we
too have fallen into bad habits and ways. We have allowed doubts, worry, indecision, fear, as well as a
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whole, host of negative attitudes to take root within, and they prevent us from discovering the joy in
our lives. Life will always be generous with us when we return to its natural ways John Kehoe.

I want also to reiterate the powerful role of affirmations:

I am also a great believer in affirmations, as I know that if you continue to repeat them regularly, you
will increase the likelihood that they become true. For example, my favourite affirmations:
 Everything I say and create has incalculable, everlasting effects. I endeavour to make these
effects beneficial for myself and others.
 I am reliable and dependable. My word is my bond.
 I am a positive individual, spreading my positive energy to others.
 When my life is done, I will have left a trail of positive and good actions on the earth.
 Maxwell stated it clearly that falling backwards is to blame others, quitting and to think that you are
a failure, but falling forward is to take responsibility to learn from each mistake, knowing failure is a
part of progress and taking new risks.
 Carry on with life, stand up for and believe in yourself. Remember, your inner strength is found in
quietness, confidence and peacefulness.
 Never lose hope as hope is a powerful spiritual force that is activated through your positive attitude.
Become an indestructible optimist and reap the rewards of faith.
 Experiences like this is a way of cultivating your soil; it doesn’t matter if we have a wonderful
collection of seeds – they won’t grow fully without cultivating the soil.
 Don’t allow yourself to keep on being angry, as if you are angry with someone else, you allow them
to live rent-free in your mind.

Now I want to reiterate the value of crisis and misfortune

We underestimate the value of crisis and misfortune. We want life to always be comfortable. But
sometimes it is a carrot and sometimes the stick that gets us to move and change. Comfort is the
enemy of change. We never make changes when everything is going well. Why should we? But when
a crisis bangs down the door of our carefully planned reality, changes happen quickly. Crises are
never enjoyable- they are terrifying and confusing; you are going through anguish, despair, self-doubt
– but they are valuable. When you come out the other side you have a clear sense of what is
important and what is not.

Often your priorities change. What was once important becomes unimportant. What was
inconsequential becomes urgent. What was ignored now given the utmost attention. It is like a rebirth,
a second chance. Often in hindsight, after we have gone through a bad period, we are amazed at
what strength and insight we have gained. And yet while we were going though those difficulties we
saw none of this. John Kehoe
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Note the following poem: Keeper of the Keys

You are the Keeper of the Keys

You are Guard at the Gate
Waiting in line to get through that door
Is LOVE. And also HATE
In line to enter is GENTLE PEACE
and also VIOLENT WAR
You must choose who may, and who
may not come through the door
INTOLERANCE tries to sneak on through
On wings of FEAR, or PRIDE
It hide behind DREAMS of BELONGING,
and tries to sneak inside.
Oh! Be alert! You are the Guard who decides
Who GOES and who may STAY.
You are the Keeper of the Keys to your Mind
Who will you let in today?
(In John Maxwell)

Now I want to reiterate the absolute importance of goal setting:

This is so important and may I suggest that you do this from time to time by reflecting also on the
following questions:
1. What is something you want to accomplish in your life that, when achieved will lead you feel
really good about yourself?
2. How ill you have to think about yourself and your life differently to accomplish this goal?
3. What feelings about your life and yourself will have to change for you to accomplish this goal?
4. How will you have to act differently?
5. What has kept you from thinking and feeling and acting in these ways up to this point?

Persue your dreams in life as Bruce Wilkinson have said it so beautifully in his definition of a dream
leader

Let a substantial part of your dream be to inspire others to pursue theirs

Examine where people’s talents and passions lie; and employ these to benefit all
Allow people to try new things and take initiative
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Discover the corporate value of further training when a new skill or course helps individuals towards
fulfilling their dreams, they inspire the whole group
Envisage what dreams you want to realise as a group and discuss this regularly to avoid losing touch
with changing circumstances
Remember that dream leaders serve others. An excellent way would be to actively help them to
pursue their dreams.

Stick to God’s Big Dream for the world as the test of authenticity when you assist people in
recognising their life dreams.

“The world is waiting for a new generation of leaders- men and women whose mission involves more
than power and profit, whose morality is not contextual: and whose whole life reflect God’s grace…
“John C Bowling

I want to reiterate that EQ and SQ are not fads:

The SQ spiritual dimension is your core, your center, your commitment to your value system. It is a
very private area of life and a supremely important one. It draws upon the sources that inspire and
uplift you and tie you to the timeless truths of all humanity … If you win the battles there, if you settle
the issues that inwardly conflict, you feel a sense of peace, a sense of knowing what you are all about.
Stephen Covey.

I want to reiterate that you definitely have to watch your reaction to the things that is
happening to you:
I have made the alarming discovery that
I am a determining factor in my own life
and those of the people around me.
My attitude determines the day’s weather.
I have the ability to make life miserable or joyful
l for myself and for others.
I can be a instrument of torture
or a mighty source of inspiration.
I can humiliate people or make them happy,
hurt them or comfort them.
In every situation it is my reaction to it
that will averted or whether it will escalate,
whether people will feel empowered or disadvantaged
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I want to reiterate that it is good to know the following things about failure:
To fail is not the same as being a failure. One may have many failings and yet still be far from being a
failure

Failure is only a temporary setback. Failure is never the final chapter of the book of your life unless
you give up and quit.

Nothing worthwhile is ever achieved without running the risk of failure.

Failure is a natural preparation for success.

Every failing brings with it the possibility of something greater. Analyze failure under whatever
circumstances you choose and you will discover some seeds for turning failure into success.

Again I have learnt so much In the words of Nelson Mandela’s famous sayings:
On anger: Anger is a temporary feeling – you soon forget it, particularly if you are involved in positive
activities and attitudes. It is not east to remain bitter of one is busy with constructive things.
On criticism: If the criticism is valid, it must be made.
On determination: As long as you have an iron will you can misfortune into advantage.
On health: The wounds that cannot be seen are more painful than those that can be treated by a
doctor.
On his hopes: Many of us will have to pass through the valley of shadow of death again and again
before we reach the mountain tops of our desires.
On love: The world is truly round and seems to start and end with those we love.
On reconciliation: We need to reconcile our differences through reason, debate and compromise.
On tolerance: You should be tolerant to those who have views that are different to yours, because
you will win by the correctness of the position that you take.

Victor Frankl, who survived detention in a concentration camp, living many further years, and wrote in
Man’s Search for Meaning said the following:

“We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts
comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they
offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the
human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way”.
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Now concerning some life lessons from my great mentor Johann Coetzee
Don’t allow too much ambition and the pursuit of success to distort the deeper pleasures of life.

Yes, you must experiment, risk, discover, and venture. Never come out wounded – come through the
experience wiser. The ideal is to live in such a way that while you are discovering you will want to tell
others all about it. Such a life entrenches youthfulness and presents adulthood later as a virtue for
others to strive toward!

No, make space and time within yourself for feeling and being and then share it. Yes teach your
buddies it’s OK to feel – even to cry.

Invest in tickets: theatre, films, concerts, exhibitions, tournaments, matches. Don’t focus on what you
can show – focus instead on what you have experienced.

Make time for being alone.

For thinking, for introspection, processing what you’re experiencing and then deciding.

Indeed, herein lies good reasoning and good choices. Then stand back and look. Perhaps differently.
But, never stop thinking.

Revel in your relationships and friendships. Make memories – together. Discover places, plan
“specials” and move. Don’t just sit! Yes, be together, but not all the time. Be alone and to one side too.
Don’t let yourself be smothered, not even by your sweat heart. Remember we don’t always need
people around us to sustain us. Cherish your own company.

One of the great skills in life is to remain ‘in love’ always. Romance develops from infatuation, dreams
and passion. And, from such a relationship develops, discovery, focus, more passion and pleasure.

Learn to enjoy and appreciate emotions. Cry regularly. Long often. Even be silly, childish and
playful. Make an effort to plan things you know you will always remember. Those things that you will
yearn for nostalgically and long to experience more of.

Look each other in the heart and in the eye. Live the virtues of honesty and unconditionally, because
herein lies truth between two people. Declare respect and esteem for each other, especially when you
have become used to one another. Enjoy sharing good manners and hold decency up as the tie that
will bind a good relationship. You know, common courtesy is still in fashion!
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A person who dreams lives twice. By so doing you discover the fullness of life. Never fall into the
horrible routine of over-living. It devours good energy and hampers your desire to live well. Dream
together. Fantasise about your future. Build castles in the air (please), paint them and live in them.
Yes, enjoy the nonsense that comes from being absurd, before the era of serious stuff tends to want
to dominate.

And, when you are still and aside, learn to meditate. Discover yourself through introspection so that
you can learn to understand and accept yourself. Inspect your uniqueness, your creation and what you
are busy doing with it.

Wonder constantly about the miracle of your being. The perfection of the construction and functioning
of your body. And cherish it. Never take poison into this wonderful system of yours.

Keep your body fresh and fit. Share it with the one person you wish not to blemish. Hence, from trust
to trust. Sex is a reward for the highest form of love. To mess with sex is to insult God. Sex has been
given to us for enjoyment and pleasure, but with a built-in responsibility. Never be second-hand. To
the one with whom you want to share eternity, give to that person your highest herein.
Never save so much that you cannot enjoy it and life passes you by. Invest your “money” in
experience, enrichment and growth rather than in the bank. True poverty is someone without
sensations rather than someone without money. You may not impoverish yourself while you life,
thereby allowing your heirs to squander your possessions when you are dead. This is deceit.

Remember always: one life, one God, one lover, one family.

Why not search, research, request and revisit – this is the essence of science and knowledge. If you
do not ask why, you will never know the sensation of understanding.

Our careers are driven and sustained by academic pursuits, exposure to opportunities and
experiences and ultimately shaped by performance. We compile attributes and qualifications
culminating in impressive CV’s and biographies with which we trade in the world of work. ultimately we
are not remembered by these testaments, but sooner by the way we gave of ourselves to other
people, notably when they did not ask and expected least. It is the unique blend of an impressive
biography, but humble humanity that renders us relevant but also indelible in the heart and minds of
others.
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The ultimate, and most meaningful career path is the one that lead to joy through self discovery and a
meaningfulness which will sustain itself and not become meaningless, because of a preoccupation
with material things.

Your highest thoughts are about your God.

Your deepest conversations are in your prayers.
Your most humble posture – on your knees.
Your most precious gift is LIFE.

My overall learning points

 I have learnt to slow down more often and enjoy the trip.
 You give birth to that on which you fix your mind.
 A grateful mind is a great mind which eventually attracts to itself great things (Plato).
 Be an encouragement for others as you will catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.
 In essence, we can’t lose anything that is truly valuable. Through learning to love and let go,
and through forgiveness, we can remember that we are always standing on solid ground.
 Your past does not equal your future unless you choose to allow it to by keeping it alive.
 Tough times never last, but tough people do. Robert Schuller: “When you are faced with a
mountain, don’t quit. Keep striving until you climb over or find a pass through it or tunnel
underneath it – or simply stay and turn the mountain into a gold mine with God’s help.”
 You will sow what you reap. Florence Scovel Shinn said it so beautiful. “The game of life is a
game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words returns to us sooner or later, with
astounding accuracy”.
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Closing comments
I thought long and hard about how to close this presentation, and perhaps the following song, Fighter,
by Christina Aguilera is a very good way of ending it:

After all you put me through

You’d think I’d despise you
But in the end I want to thank you
Because you made me that much stronger
So I wanna say thank you
‘ Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Making me learn a little bit faster
Making my skin a little bit thicker
Making me that much smarter
So thanks for me making me a fighter
I am a fighter and I
I ain’t gonna stop
There is no turning back
I’ve had enough

A retrenched HR executive said to me when he walked through my door: "Mario, discrimination in the
new South Africa is out; bullying in the workplace is in". I fully understand his words.

People will throw you in the pits of life, but scripture says that even though Joseph was sold as a
slave, he did not have a slave mentality. He still believed he could do great things and moved from the
pit to the palace. Let go of those ashes. As they say, you can’t always choose what happens to you,
but you can choose how you respond to it. Again, what I have learnt through this experience is that
there is nothing wrong with failure and that we all fail from time to time. What is wrong is when you
accept failure instead of letting it inspire you to further efforts and eventual success.

Do you have to fear again, but then fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. No I need to
press on. Fear and worry are interest paid in advance on something you may never own.
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Who is next?
What about you!

Where do you stand in terms of those issues highlighted in this presentation? How you are behind the
closed doors of your own private castle, is how you really are.
"I lose my temper, but it's all over in a minute," said the student. "So is the hydrogen bomb," I replied,
"but think of the damage it produces!" - George Sweating.

Plato said: “The life which is unexamined is not worth living”. Consider the following questions. The
pen is in your hands now – so go ahead.
- Do you have any unfinished business that you need to sort out?
- When was the last time you really checked in with yourself?
- What are you still wrestling with in your thought life?
- Are your priorities in the right order?
- Are your moral and ethical behaviour what it should be?
- Do you feel in the center of God’s will? Do you sense His peace?
- Do you understand your life's meaning and do your life has a clear sense of purpose?
- Are you so busy with day to day life that you rarely stop to think about whether you
are living the life you want to lead?

My blessings to you
May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be at your back. May your mission in life feed your
passion like no other.

“EAT like you just had a heart attack

WORK like your job description is under consideration
TALK like everyone can overhear what you say
LIVE like you are going to have a face to face with your Creator everyday”. Stephen Covey.

Blessings. Mario Denton Copyright reserved

 Page 24 of 104

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
My views, insights and conclusions about the ideas of this article stem also from my extensive reading
of the work of the following authors. It has been very useful in validating, transforming and adapting
my ideas, theories and concepts, as well as providing further insight and viewpoints, and I would like
to express my sincere thanks and appreciation to these authors.

Copyright is fully acknowledge and the use of such information is in no way intended to violate
any copyright laws

Blanchard. Ken. The heart of a leader; Briner Bob. The management methods of Jesus. Brown,
Jackson: Life’s little instruction booklet 511 Reminders for a happy and rewarding life; Buzan, Tony.
The power of Spiritual intelligence; Coetzee, Annie. I think… feel….am! A new approach to self-
empowerment; Covey, Stephen. Daily reflections for highly effective people; Crawfield, Norman.
Reconstructing your personality; De Bono: Tactics- The art and science of success; Dobson, James.
38 values to live by; Finzel, Hans. The top mistakes leaders make; Fortune, Don and Katie. Discover
your God-Given gifts; George, Mike. Discover inner peace; Glennie, Catherine. Getting motivated,
keeping motivated; Greenman, Bill: How to find purpose in life; Harrel, Keith, D; Attitude is
everything for success. Say it, Believe it,Receive it..Hay, Louise. Love yourself Heal your life;
Hughes, Selwyn. The 7 laws of spiritual success; Landsberg, Max. The tao of coaching; Lindenfield
Gael: Shortcuts to keeping your cool; Lipkin. Mike. Mampodil 100 mindsparks to light up your head,
heart, body and soul; Mason, John. An enemy called average; Mason, John. Know the limits- and
then ignore them; Mason, John. Why ask why- If you know the right questions you can find the right
answers; Mayne, Brian & Sangeeta: Create a powerful blueprint to bring out the best in yourself –
and your life. Maxwell, John, C. Failing forward: Turning mistakes into steeping stones for success;
Maxwell, John, C. Living at the next level. Insights for reaching your dreams; Maxwell, John, C. The
17 indisputable laws of teamwork; Maxwell, John, C. The 21 indispensable qualities of a leader;
Maxwell, John, C. The leadership Bible; Maxwell, John, C. Your bridge to a better future; Mc Graw,
Phillip. Self matters. Creating your life from the inside out; McGinnis, Alan. Bringing out the best in
people; Murdock, Mike. The assignment: Powerful secrets for discovering your destiny; Murdock,
Mike. The law of recognition; Ortberg, John. Everybody’s normal till you get to know them; Ortberg,
John. If you want to walk on the water, You’ve got to get out of the boat. Van Jaarsveld, Pieter. The
heart of a winner. Richardson, Cheryl. Stand up for your life; Robbins, Anthony: Giant steps- Small
changes to make a big difference; Salmansohn, Karen: A cynic’s guide to spiritual happiness;
Schuller, Robert. Tough times never last, but tough people do; Seamands, David. Healing
memories; Sieg, Diane: Rescue strategies for the overworked and overwhelmed; Stop loving like an
emergency; Silvoso, Ed. Anointed for business; Treat, Casey: daily steps to renewal; Van Jaarsveld.
Pieter: The Heart of a Winner- Developing your emotional intelligence; Veenman, Warren and
 Page 25 of 104

Eichhorst, Sally. Unleash your potential and live your ultimate life Awaken the infinite power within
and create the life of your dreams; Warren Veenman Warren & Eichhorst Sally:: Awaken the infinite
power within & create the life of your dreams; Warren Veenman Warren & Eichhorst Sally: Dare to
succeed; Warren, Rick: The purpose driven life Williams, Nick. Unconditional success. Loving the
work we were born to do; Williamson, David; Williamson, Gay Lynn and Knapp Robert. Twelve
powers in you; Wright, Norman. Making peace with your past
http://www.eiconsortium.org
 Page 26 of 104

3. EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE: THE MISSING LINK TOWARDS

OPTIMAL PERFORMANCE

Mario Denton

Introduction
I believe that we are not spending enough time to bring out the best in people. In certain cases we
give up to soon, or we have lost our touch in developing the human potential.

After analysing a number of books on developing human capital, working through material on bringing
about individual change and on personal motivation, I felt the need to put this booklet together.

I am sure you can add many more examples from your own experience.

I trust this small gift will be a source of encouragement and blessing to you and that these positive
thoughts will help you to bring out the best in people.

A special word of thanks to my wife and family for their support, for secretarial services, and to Loraine
West for editing services.

Mario Denton

“In those fields I have studied, emotional intelligence is much more powerful than IQ in
determining who emerges as a leader. IQ is a threshold competence. You need it, but it doesn’t
make you a star. Emotional intelligence can.”
Warren Bennis in his book On becoming a leader.

FOREWORD

The cost of low emotional intelligence (EQ) can be measured in terms of time wasted in unresolved
conflict. People lose focus when they are churning over something about which they are unsure. High
EQ means that people are sure of issues and are able to deliver high performance.

The cost of low EQ can be also measured in terms of locked-in potential. Most people have 30%
more potential than they actually bring to work. It is locked away because organisations have not
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created an environment where employees are motivated to share that potential. An “innovative”
company means creating initiative in people. High EQ delivers initiative, innovation and creativity.

The cost of low EQ can be measured in terms of costs associated with stress-related illnesses too.
There is a strong link between body and mind in terms of health. Low EQ can be related to living a
more stressful life than is beneficial for health. Group dynamics can be such that the combined EQ of
the group is lower than the individuals within it. Most businesses rely on good teamwork for
effectiveness of operations. High EQ brings enhanced teamwork and reduced stress.

1.1 Develop your emotional intelligence by developing the traits below.

Traits/behaviour of the emotionally intelligent person:

 Is self-aware, motivated and perceives others accurately.
 Is able to manage emotions to create well-defined outcomes.
 Is emotionally literate, recognising when underlying emotions are being blanketed.
 Prepares for interactions with people by looking at the psychological process as well as the
task.
 Thinks positively and does not quit easily.
 Is sincere and clears things up even when it requires a difficult conversation.
 Has increased flexibility and is able to let go of outdated visions and plans.
 Has excellent social skills and a sense of community spirit.
 Is resilient when the going gets tough, seeking mutuality in solutions.
 Proactively creates a life/work balance.
 Seeks personal development without a sense of personal deficit.

1.2 Develop your emotional intelligence by analysing what makes a leader

influential.

Spend five minutes recording below some thoughts about someone who has had a significant
influence on you.
 What did that person do to touch you?
 How did you feel when you were with that person?
 What characteristics did you identify and admire in that person?
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The point that can be learnt from this exercise is that the characteristics are usually emotion based
rather than based on cognitive skills, e.g. trust, compassion, resilience, etc. rather than, e.g. a good
manager, clever, etc.

Affirm the following:

 I am objective about others’ feedback and able to generate positive thoughts for myself.
 I am open to new perspectives.
 I am committed to continuous learning and self-development.

1.3 Develop your emotional intelligence by recognising your emotions and

the effect thereof and your ability to deal with them.

1. Do you know which emotions you are feeling and can you accurately label them
individually?
2. Can you say why you are feeling certain emotions?
3. Do you recognise the chain from experiencing an emotion to taking action based on it
(i.e. the links between your feelings and what you think, do, and say)?
4. Do you recognise how your feelings affect your performance, the quality of experience at
work and your relationships?
5. Do you have a guiding awareness of your values or goals?
6. Are you aware of any gaps between your espoused values and actual behaviour?

1.4 Develop your emotional intelligence by exploring your patterns of

emotional behaviour.

So far in your life, you will have been asked several times to express your feelings. You may found
this difficult; most people express what they are thinking and not what they are feeling. To be sure that
you are expressing feelings, start with the words, “I feel …” and then add a feeling word. If you say, “I
feel that …”, you are actually expressing your thoughts. Use the following table of emotions to expand
your vocabulary of emotion-related adverbs.
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Mad Sad Glad Scared Other

Angry Blue Amused Afraid Affectionate
Annoyed Depressed Comfortable Agitated Bored
Ashamed Despondent Content Alone Closed
Belittled Discouraged Ecstatic Anxious Co-operative
Guilty Distressed Effervescent Concerned Dumb-founded
Irritated Down Elated Confused Loving
Jealous Down & out Excited Distressed Encouraged
Disappointed Grieved Fascinated Frightened Flummoxed
Discouraged Hurt Fulfilled Ignored Forgiving
Frustrated Lonely Giddy Inhibited Fevered
Furious Left out Glorious Nervous Guileful

Using this table, write down a number of emotions that you are likely to experience in your workplace,
e.g. anger, joy, anxiety, contentment, depression, enthusiasm, fear, confidence, sadness, frustration.

 Next to each, write down the behavioural patterns that accompany the emotions that your are
most likely to encounter at work.
 What behavioural patterns accompany the emotions that you are most likely to encounter at
work?
 For all of the emotions on the list, what are your corresponding behavioural actions?
 Explore any possible patterns. For example, you’re afraid you might be moved to another site
but you also fear that your co-worker has told your boss that you really didn’t want to be part
of this new set up. You respond by doing everything that you can do to avoid running into your
boss or co-worker.
 Look at your behavioural actions in response to other situations in your workplace.

1.5 Develop your emotional intelligence by removing your labels.

Labels describe where you perceive you have been, not where you are. If you give in to them,
however, they can surely predict where you are going.

List on paper all the labels you have been given that are still part of your life today. Which labels have
become part of your own labelling? What was the situation?
Examples: If you felt hurt and dejected when a love relationship ended, did you then, and do you
today, label yourself as a loser?
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If you went through a bad divorce, did you and do you label yourself as a failure?
If you failed a test, did you label yourself as a dummy?
Is there some job or career incident that caused you to assign a particular label to yourself? What was
the incident and what label did you take from it?
What are the self-labels that you carry with your?

Imagine that those labels are on your CV. If you don’t want your employer to know you like that, why
are you clinging to them?

“ Every person stamps his value on him … a person is made great or small by his own will.”
J C F von Schiller

Give yourself a mental pep talk at the beginning and the end of the day. Coach yourself, just like you
would help someone else, to meet a challenge.

1.6 Develop your emotional intelligence by saying no to POISONOUS people.

Unfortunately, there are a few people out there who see the world as one big problem, and in their
eyes you’re part of it. You know the type. No matter how well things are going, they focus on the small
negative details. One blast of negative energy from their lips can erase that smile on your face
permanently. These people are poisonous to your health. You need a long-range antenna to keep
them outside your boundaries at all times.

1.7 Develop your emotional intelligence by facing your fears.

You consume a lot of energy when you live in fear, and this restricts your capacity. If you want to gain
confidence, accelerate your progress and restore your energy to maximum levels, you must confront
your fears. Make a decision now to deal with unfinished business once and for all. Give it your best
shot. Put it behind you, and move on.
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1.8 Develop your emotional intelligence by applying the TA-DA formula

Think
 Reflective thinking allows you to pause so you can consider all your options. “Will this help me
accomplish my major goals more effectively?” “Why do I want to do this?” “What specific
benefit will I gain from taking this course of action?” “What is the downside if it doesn’t work?”
“How much time will this really take?”
Ask
 Ask good, focused questions. The more important the decision, the more time you should take
to check everything. This doesn’t mean that you should analyse it to death.
Decide
 Visualise the negative consequences if you don’t make a decision. Compare these with the
positive benefits of moving forward.
Act
 Make your decision.

Cranfield, Hansen and Hewitt: The Power of Focus

1.9 Develop your emotional intelligence by describing your growing-up

experiences.

How well do the statements that follow describe your growing-up experiences?
I received a lot of love and affection from my:
Mother
Father
My ideas or accomplishments were criticised by my:
Mother
Father
I was given a lot of responsibility while I was growing up.
I was given praise when I deserved it.

Indicate how often the following situations occurred in your family while you were
growing up:
Praising another family member for a job well done
Apologising to another family member for a mistake
Expressing love or affection for another
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Kissing or hugging another family member in greeting

Expressing sadness to another family member
Blaming a family member when things go wrong

Indicate how often the following situations occurred in your family while you were
growing up:
Consoling a family member who was sad
Criticising another family member
Threatening another family member
Offering to help another family member
Being publicly embarrassed or humiliated by a family member
Crying after unpleasant words with another family member

1.10 Develop your emotional intelligence by working on your emotional self-

awareness.

Emotional self-awareness is the ability to recognise your feelings and to differentiate between them, to
know what you are feeling and why, and to know what caused the feelings.

Affirm the following:

 I am decisive using emotional and analytical information, and able to make sound judgements.
 I am decisive despite uncertainties (perceptions of risk) and pressures.
 I am generally recognised as self-confident.

Too many people never let the real person within them come alive.

1.11 Develop your emotional intelligence by being assertive.

Assertiveness is composed of three basic components: (1) the ability to express feelings, for example
anger and warmth; (2) the ability to express beliefs and thoughts openly (being able to voice opinions,
disagree and take a definite stand, even if it is emotionally difficult to do so and even if you have
something to lose by doing so); and (3) the ability to stand up for personal rights (not allowing others
to bother you or take advantage of you).
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Increase your assertiveness

 Write about a situation that occurred during the past 2-3 weeks and in which you behaved
passively.
 Write about a situation that occurred during the 2-3 past weeks and in which you behaved too
aggressively.
 Write a scenario that occurred during the past week and in which you behaved assertively.

1.12 Develop your emotional intelligence by being independent in your

thinking and actions.

Independence refers to the ability to be self-directed and self-controlled in your thinking and actions
and to be free of emotional dependency. Independent people are self-reliant in planning and making
important decisions. Independent people are able to function autonomously – they avoid clinging to
others to satisfy their emotional needs.
How do you make choices?
Think back over the last month. List three choices that you made. List the alternatives you might have
chosen. Write down the reason for your choice.
Was it habit/ pressure /you felt you HAD to do it? Did you really want to make that choice? What were
the consequences of your decision and the impact on you/others/your health/your performance?

Affirm the following:

 I take responsibility for my actions and inaction.
 I have cleared up assumptions and misconceptions.
 I keep my promises.
 I hold myself accountable for my objectives.
 Others say that I prioritise what is important or urgent (or both) every day.

1.13 Develop your emotional intelligence by working on your self-esteem.

This reflects your ability to respect and accept yourself as basically good. Respecting yourself
essentially likes the way you are. Self-esteem is the ability to appreciate your perceived positive
aspects and possibilities, as well as to accept your negative aspects and limitations and still feel good
about you. It means knowing your strengths and weaknesses and liking you, “warts and all”.
 Page 34 of 104

 How much do you like yourself?

 What are your greatest strengths/gifts that could be valued by other people?
 How has this helped you in life?
 How could you improve on this strength even more?
 How can you use it to help you achieve more of your goals at work, at home, or in your
contact with others?
 What do you consider your most serious weakness?
 How has this hurt you in the past?
 Have you tried to do anything about it? If so, what were the results?
 How would improving yourself in this area help you at work, at home or in your contact with
others?
 What one thing would you most like to change about yourself?
 How could you begin to effect change in this area?

1.14 Develop your emotional intelligence by striving towards your maximum

development.

Self-actualisation refers to the ability to realise your potential. Self-actualisation is an ongoing,

dynamic process of striving towards the maximum development of your abilities and talents, of
persistently trying to do your best and to improve yourself in general.

 How many hours per week do you spend at work? With family? With friends? Alone?
 How satisfied (on a scale of Very to Not at all) are you with the quality of the time you spend at
work? With family? With friends? Alone?
 In which of these areas would you most like to improve the quality of your time?
 What do you like best about being at work? With family? With friends? Alone?
 What do you like least about being at work? With family? With friends? Alone?
 What are your long-term goals in each of these areas?
 What are your short-term goals (two to six months) in each of these areas? What action will
help you attain these goals?
 What are your hobbies and interests?
 Which would you like to pursue more actively?
 What new areas would you like to explore?
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1.15 Develop your emotional intelligence by investing in your emotional bank

account.

Who are the significant others in your life? How do they experience you/would they describe you?
What does your Emotional Bank Account look like with each of them?
Home (Partner, children, parents, siblings)
Work (Manager, peers, subordinates, suppliers, customers)
Social (Friends, clubs, church, sport)

Affirm the following:

1. I am able to stop acting on impulse.
2. I am able to remain collected, positive and unflustered even at testing times.
3. I am able to see when my behaviour is unproductive or unhelpful.
4. I manage distressing emotions well, reducing anxiety associated with these situations.
5. Others say that I am capable of remaining lucid and focused under pressure.

1.16 Develop your emotional intelligence by demonstrating empathy.

Empathy is the ability to be aware of, to understand and to appreciate the feelings and thoughts of
others. Empathy is “tuning in” (being sensitive) to what and how people feel and think and why they
feel and think that way.

Enhance your empathy

 In the past week, what stirred your soul?
 If nothing, what would stir your soul?
 Who do you need to be more empathetic towards?
 Do you try to listen to other people’s point of view?
 Do you take the time to listen to what others are telling you?
 Do you accurately understand what they’re saying before you respond to them?

1.17 Develop your emotional intelligence by being socially responsible.

Being socially responsible refers to the ability to demonstrate that you are a cooperative, contributing
and constructive member of your social group. This component of emotional intelligence (EQ)
involves acting in a responsible manner, even though you might not benefit personally, doing things
 Page 36 of 104

for and with others, accepting others, acting in accordance with your conscience and upholding social
rules.

Increase your social responsibility

In which community organisations are you involved?
What active roles do you play?
Do you participate in charitable activities? If so, list them and describe your role.
How can you get your friends, family and co-workers involved in charitable activities?
Give three examples of situations in which you were sensitive to the needs of friends,
acquaintances or co-workers. In each case, what did you do?

1.18 Develop your emotional intelligence by maintaining satisfying

relationships.

This is the ability to establish and maintain mutually satisfying relationships that are characterised by
intimacy and by giving and receiving affection. Mutual satisfaction includes meaningful social
interchanges that are potentially rewarding and enjoyable and characterised by give and take. A
positive interpersonal relationship is characterised by sensitivity towards others.

Work through the following:

1. What do people generally like about you?
2. What do they dislike?
3. Which of the activities below make you feel uncomfortable?

1. Meeting someone new

2. Going to a party
3. Speaking in a group situation
4. Asking a stranger a question
5. Having a serious conversation with someone
6. Getting to know someone better
7. Teaching someone close to you to do something new
8. Being intimate with someone

4. Which of the above – or some other selection of your own – makes you the most
uncomfortable? Why do you think this is so?
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1.19 Develop your emotional intelligence by solving problems.

Solving problems refers to the ability to identify and define problems as well as to generate and
implement potentially effective solutions.

 Write down a problem you’ve experienced in the past 3-4 weeks.

 Describe how you attempted to solve the problem.
 Was the outcome positive or negative?
 In what ways did you try to look at the problem from a fresh perspective?

Affirm the following:

 I make decisions in relationships based on my values (i.e. experience emotional
boundaries in relationships).
 I consciously make time to be reflective. (Understanding the power of learning from
experience even if reflection is not my natural style.)
 I am open to candid feedback.

1.20 Develop your emotional intelligence by tuning in to your immediate

situation.

Reality testing is the ability to assess the resemblance between what is experienced and what
objectively exists. Reality testing involves “tuning in” to the immediate situation. It is the capacity to
see things objectively, the way they are, rather than the way we wish or fear them to be.

Rate yourself on the following questions by answering Rarely, Sometimes, Usually or Frequently:

1.21 Rarely Some- Usually Fre-

times quently
1. By and large, does feedback from others
consistently tell you that your reading of
various situations is objective? Realistic?
Sound? Reasonable? In perspective?
Lucid? On target?
2. Do others indicate that you tend to overlook
difficulties?
 Page 38 of 104

3. Do others indicate that you make

mountains out of molehills?
4. Are you often told that you are whistling in
the dark?
5. Are you often told that you are dreaming in
Technicolor?

1.22 Develop your emotional intelligence by being flexible.

Flexibility is the ability to adjust your emotions, thoughts and behaviour to changing situations and
conditions. This component of emotional intelligence applies to your overall ability to adapt to
unfamiliar, unpredictable and dynamic circumstances. Flexible people are agile, synergistic and
capable of reacting to change, without being rigid. They are able to change their minds when
evidence suggests that they are mistaken.

Answer the following questions with Always, Usually, Sometimes, Infrequently, Rarely or Never.

Always Usually Some- Infre- Rarely Never

times quently
1. When you eat out, do you always
order the same food?
2. Do you find yourself doing
innocuous things because you
fear that might have bad luck
otherwise?
3. Do you tend to get upset over
little things such as not being able
to see a movie you would like to
see?
4. Do others tend to call you a back-
seat driver?
5. Are you the kind of person who
likes everything in its place and
has a place for everything, either
at work or at home?
6. Do you avoid trying new things?
 Page 39 of 104

Affirm the following:

 I am able to build trust by displaying congruent behaviour, i.e. by my words and actions being
aligned.
 I do allow for a change in plans and accept the need for some uncertainty.
 I am adaptable in how I perceive events or different people.
 I am open to issues that hold personal implications.
 I explore my personal issues with others.

1.23 Develop your emotional intelligence by coping with stress.

Stress tolerance is the ability to withstand adverse events and stressful situations, without falling apart,
by actively and positively coping with stress. This ability is based on (1) a capacity to choose courses
of action for dealing with stress (being resourceful and effective, being able to come up with suitable
methods, knowing what to do and how to do it); (2) an optimistic disposition towards new experiences
and change in general and towards your own ability to overcome the specific problem at hand
successfully; and (3) a feeling that you can control or influence the stressful situation by staying calm
and maintaining control.

1. Think of a demanding, unpleasant or unexpected situation that recently arose at work.

2. Write down the unpleasant feelings you experienced, any unexplained physical sensations that
accompanied the incident, and the ways in which your work suffered because of your difficulty in
managing the stress.
3. How do you deal with stress at present? Also mention those methods that are not effective and
that you would like to change.

1.24 Develop your emotional intelligence by watching your impulse control.

Control refers to the ability to resist or delay an impulse, drive or temptation to act. Impulse control
entails the capacity for accepting your aggressive impulses, being composed, and controlling
aggression, hostility and irresponsible behaviour.
 Page 40 of 104

Answer Never, Rarely, Seldom, Frequently or Always to the following statements:

Never Rarely Seldom Fre- Always

quently
1. I tend to leap before I look.
2. I become impatient easily.
3. Others seem too slow in making up their
minds.
4. I often regret not giving more thought to
decisions.
5. I often make impulsive purchases.
6. Others tell me I tend to be hotheaded.
7. If other drivers cut me off, I pursue and
make obscene gestures at them.

Answer the following statements with Yes or No.

 During the past three years, I have struck someone in anger.
 During the past three years, I have thrown objects out of a sense of frustration.
If you answered “Yes” to either statement, you have difficulty with impulse control.

1.25 Develop your emotional intelligence by enjoying yourself and others.

Happiness is the ability to feel satisfied with your life, to enjoy yourself and others and to have fun.
Happy people feel good and at ease in both work and leisure, are able to ‘let their hair down” and
enjoy the opportunities for having fun. Happiness is associated with a general feeling of cheerfulness
and enthusiasm.

1. What are some of your favourite activities?

2. How do you generally have fun at work, at home, socially and recreationally?
3. What are your favourite sports?
4. Of all your acquaintances, with whom do you have the most fun? How often do you share a
sense of fun?
5. When did you last have a really good laugh?
6. How often do you go to movies, plays or concerts?
7. Do you enjoy travel?
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8. When was your last vacation?

9. When was the last time you did something truly spontaneous and unusual?
10. Describe in detail the most recent time you felt unhappy.
11. Identify the precipitating event involved – that is, what goal you weren’t able to attain.
12. Recall any debilitating self-talk that might have resulted in you feeling sad, and debate and
dispute those messages.
13. Then examine the goal itself. Was it realistic? If you conclude that it was, use your problem-
solving skills to write down a number of different approaches that might have enabled you to
achieve it.

1.26 Develop your emotional intelligence by being optimistic.

Optimism is the ability to look on the brighter side of life and to maintain a positive attitude even in the
face of adversity. Optimism assumes a measure of hope in one’s approach to life. It is a positive
approach to daily living. Optimism is the opposite of pessimism, which is a common symptom of
depression.

SELF-ASSESSMENT

Answer the following questions with:

1 - Never
2 - Seldom
3 - Occasionally
4 - Frequently
5 - Always

1 2 3 4 5
N S O F A
1. People say that you complain a lot.
2. Those close to you say you have a positive attitude.
3. You believe you have a positive attitude.
4. You wake up on a typical weekday and look forward to
what’s about to unfold.
5. You wake up on a typical weekend morning and look
forward to the day.
 Page 42 of 104

6. You have a positive view of the future as far as work is

concerned.
7. You have a positive view of the future as far as your
career is concerned.

8. You have a positive view of the future as far as your family

is concerned.
9. You have a positive view of the future as far as your social
life is concerned.

2. Write down what you think you could do to make your future brighter in your work, career,
family and social life, over both the short and longer term.
3. If you could have three wishes, what would they be?
4. If you came home after a bad day at work, what activity would make you feel better?
5. Think of someone you consider an optimistic person, and think about what you could learn
from his or her example.

1.27 Develop your emotional intelligence by out sorting out the unfinished
business in your life.

Unfinished business is a term describing all the messes in your life that you haven’t dealt with.

The reason many people won’t deal with this unfinished business is fear. Fear breeds doubt, and
doubt leads to a loss of confidence. It’s a vicious cycle. If left unchecked, a downward spiral begins
and soon gains momentum. Suddenly life is out of control. This excess baggage is like a dead weight
around your neck and can bring you to a standstill.

You can play the denial game.

 Some people pretend it’s not really happening.

You can go into limbo.

 Life sort of stops and you tread water. You don’t fall back, but you don’t make any progress
either. It’s frustrating, and of course the unfinished business is still there waiting to be dealt
with later. Being in limbo keeps you stuck.
 Page 43 of 104

You can confront the issue head on.

 This seems like the obvious course of action, yet many people choose the previous two
options. Why? We usually don’t like confrontation – it’s uncomfortable and a certain amount of
risk is involved. Sometimes it can be painful, and may not work out the way you want it to.

1.28 Develop your emotional intelligence by developing plans to counteract

certain fears.

Poor health Learn more about good health habits, nutrition, exercise.

Losing your job Become so valuable that you can’t be fired. And if you are, your
special skills will open up new opportunities. Keep refining your
strengths. Focus on your brilliance; develop excellent connections.

Loneliness Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Be a giver. To

attract friends, become a friend.

Uncertainty about Most of the jobs in the future haven’t even been invented yet. Focus
the future on developing your greatest talents. Set exciting goals

Dying It happens to all of us. Have faith. Live every day to the fullest.
Explore spiritual truths.

Failure The spiritual side of you proves there is a bigger plan. God gave you
talents. Seek them out. Surround yourself with winners. “Failure” is an
opportunity to learn. Making mistakes is essential for long-term
success.

Making major Think on paper; plan ahead; seek good advice.

decisions

Rejection Don’t take it personally. We all experience some form of rejection

every week. Become thick-skinned.
 Page 44 of 104

Conflict Step into the fear. Look for a win-win solution. Accept that conflict is a
part of life. Take a course in conflict resolution.

Ignorance/Lack of Practice the habit of learning something every day. Read, study, and
knowledge become more conscious. Remember: the use of knowledge is your
greatest power. Learn more. Become an expert in what you do best.

Losing your family Continually nourish your most important relationships. Build a lifetime
of positive memories you can cherish forever.

Public speaking Choose a great mentor; write out a ten-minute speech on your favorite
subject. Practice. Accept opportunities to speak when asked. Hire a
speech coach.

Poverty Learn about money and how it works. Check your belief system. Find
an excellent financial coach. Set specific goals to save and invest a
portion of everything you earn.

Success Embrace the fact that success comes from study, hard work, good
planning and taking risks. You deserve it if you do all of this.

Cranfield, Hansen and Hewitt: The Power of Focus

1.29 Develop your emotional intelligence by keeping your agreements.

All broken relationships can be traced back to broken agreements.

 True integrity is based on keeping to your agreements.

 When you always tell the truth, people will trust you.
 When you do what you say, as promised, people will respect you.
 When you make others feel special, people will like you.
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1.30 Develop your emotional intelligence by analysing your internal dialogues.

Your internal dialogues can sometimes be devastating. Remember that your internal dialogue:
 is constant
 happens in real time
 triggers a physiological change
 is heavily influenced by your locus of control
 tends to be totally monopolistic
 is loudest when it is negative

What kind of friend are you to yourself?

1.31 Develop your emotional intelligence by dumping those attitudes that don’t
pass the following criteria:

1. Is it true? Is what you are thinking, feeling, perceiving, or assigning something that is
objectively and verifiably true?
2. Does holding on to the thought or attitude serve your best interests? If what you’re
thinking, feeling, or doing is not working for you, if it is not helping you to be and do what
you really want, then it does not meet this criterion. Does it make you happy, calm,
peaceful, and fulfilled?
3. Do your thoughts and attitudes advance and protect your health? Do your thoughts
about yourself push you into situations that put you at risk?
4. Does this attitude or belief get you more of what you want, need, and deserve? This
question is as straightforward as it sounds. What’s your goal? What is the objective that
you’re trying to achieve?

Your application of these four criteria, both now and in the future, must be ruthless.

Source: Dr Phil McGraw

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1.32 Develop your emotional intelligence by analysing your defining moments

in life.

1. List your defining moments; then describe each defining moment in one brief paragraph.
Come up with a title or summary statement of that defining moment. Next, underneath each
title, write just one short paragraph that captures the gist of what happened. Capture all of
your most important life events and identify the people in them.
 Where are you at this moment?
 How old are you and what do you look like?
 Who is there with you, or who is supposed to be there with you?
 What is happening that makes this moment so significant?
 What emotions or changes of emotions are you experiencing at this time? Loneliness? Anger?
Fear? Confusion? Joy? Power? Helplessness?
 How would you change this situation if you could?
 What is your mental/physical experience? Are you in a mental fog, or are you clear-minded?
What do you smell? Taste? Feel? Are you happy or sad? Are you in pain? Weak? Paralysed?
 If you could speak to someone at this moment, who would it be? What would you say?
 What are you saying to yourself?
 What do you need right now more than anything else?

2. For each defining moment, identify the “before” and the “after” in your self-concept.
What aspect or dimension of your self-concept was involved in or affected by that defining
moment?
Now, for each dimension, write down where you think you were in
respect of that dimension:
 immediately before the defining moment occurred,
 and after the defining moment occurred.
3. Write a paragraph to describe the long-term residual effect of that defining moment.
How has that defining moment affected you, long term?

4. Write down how and why you think the defining moment either clarified or distorted your
authentic self.

5. Review your interpretation of and reaction to the defining moment. Decide whether or not you
believe your interpretation was accurate or inaccurate.
 Page 47 of 104

6. Write down whether this is something that you think you should keep or reject with regard to
your concept of self. Write one paragraph on why you think so.

7. Reviewing these defining moments as a whole, what has been the bottom-line effect on your
concept of self, having lived through them?

Source: Dr Phil MCGraw

1.33 Develop your emotional intelligence by taking inventory of your internal

dialogues.

Pick a day for doing this exercise, preferably a day when you don’t plan to be doing anything dramatic
or out of the ordinary. This should be a typical day for you.

Keep your journal or a small notebook and pen handy throughout the day. Make a series of
appointments with yourself: every two hours, stop what you’re doing, take out the notebook, and
simply jot down observations about the self-talk you’ve been having for the past two hours. Each of
these eight or ten note-taking sessions need only take a few minutes. Write down what you’ve been
telling yourself about:
 your appearance
 the work that you’ve been doing for the past two hours
 your job, more generally
 your intelligence
 your competence
 your skills and abilities
 your worth

1.34 Develop your emotional intelligence by affirming the following:

 I am motivated by internal factors, such as a sense of a mission in life and honest thinking
about myself.
 I am usually happy and hopeful.
 I look forward to new challenges, knowing that success is possible.
 I have a purpose in my life.
 I appraise myself honestly and objectively.
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1.35 Develop your emotional intelligence by completing the following open-

ended questions:

Be brutally candid in all your responses. Resist the temptation to put down a “right” answer.

Use a journal to record your thoughts. Thinking about answers in your head versus writing them down
on paper is distinctly different. By writing down your answers, you are forced to be coherent and
complete, which is particularly important now that you will be pulling together a number of different
thoughts, feelings and responses. Being able to reflect on certain thoughts that you have preserved in
writing will also be invaluable as you move forward. A journal provides some of the objectivity that you
need when you evaluate yourself.
1. I tend to deny …
2. I am happiest when …
3. Sometimes I …
4. What makes me angry is …
5. I wish …
6. I hate it when …
7. Sometimes …
8. I would be more lovable if …
9. If only I had …
10. My best quality is …
11. Sometimes at night …
12. When I was a child …
13. My worst trait is …
14. My life really changed when …
15. When I am alone I …
16. I feel loneliest when …
17. I am afraid …
18. I love …
19. It would be best if …
20. Friends …
21. I feel like a phony when …
22. I can’t forgive …
23. What surprises me is …
24. I believe …
25. Other people think …
 Page 49 of 104

26. I regret …
27. It doesn’t pay to …
28. If only …

1.36 Develop your emotional intelligence by working through your frustrations.

1. What are your greatest frustrations?

a) at work?
b) at home?
c) dealing with particular family members?
d) handling particular issues?
2. Are there patterns to your frustrations – that is, are there particular times and circumstances in
which you are likely to feel especially upset?
3. Can you predict how you are likely to express your frustration? What do
you do when you are frustrated?
4. Do you maintain a generally positive outlook, even when things aren’t going well?
5. What do you do when you are angry?
6. Name three or four of your pet peeves.
7. How important to you are peace and harmony?
8. Would you say you are forgiving or vindictive?
9. How competitive are you?
10. How do you feel about confrontation?
11. Are you a good sport? Are you a gracious winner?
12. Are you a whiner and a blamer, or do you generally accept what’s done and seek to move on?
13. Do you have insecurities? What are they?
14. What do you do when hurt?
15. Do you feel appreciated?
 Page 50 of 104

1.37 Develop your emotional intelligence by affirming the following:

Yes/no
I have a clear understanding of what I value in this world.
I live my life with a sense of purpose.
I allow myself to make mistakes and don’t dwell upon them.
I celebrate my mistakes and “failures” as opportunities to learn.
I can differentiate between things that I can control and things that I
cannot control.
I am able to set realistic goals.
I am able to come up with manageable plans of action to achieve my
goals.
I can and do ask for help when I need it.
Fear of failure does not hold me back from trying something new.
I have written a personal mission statement.
I evaluate my choices based on my stated life purpose.
I work to fine tune and develop my unique talents.
I am able to balance work and play.

1.38 Develop your emotional intelligence by choosing to live.

Here’s a story about the biggest decision of all – the decision to live. It’s about a remarkable man,
Viktor Frankl, who found himself incarcerated in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. A
prominent psychologist before, the war dramatically changed his life. Frankl suffered the fate of
millions of Jews – hard labour under the most awful conditions imaginable. Every day many of his
fellow prisoners would die from malnutrition, savage beatings or from being herded off to the gas
chambers, the ultimate humiliation.

Despite the severity of his conditions, Viktor Frankl realised there was one element that his captors
could not control – his attitude. Simply stated, he chose to live. And nothing, absolutely nothing, would
shift his resolve to win this greatest of human battles.

To alleviate his terrifying circumstances, he focused on a positive picture of the future. He visualised
being a successful psychologist again, attending concerts and enjoying a fulfilling lifestyle. Never did
he allow himself to surrender to the depravation that was going on all round him. This incredible
 Page 51 of 104

fortitude, decisiveness, persistence and strength of character eventually paid off when the war ended.
Those who had nothing to live for, and there were many, did not survive. Viktor Frankl went on to
become one of the world’s most renowned therapists and inspirational leaders.

1.39 Develop your emotional intelligence by forgiving other people.

Look at the word “forgive”. One part of it is the word “give”. There’s the clue. You must give to be free.
The biggest gift you have to offer is love. Remember, you can’t give what you don’t already have. If
you don’t have love within you, how can you give it?

Forgiveness is a choice, a choice that you can make to free yourself from an emotional prison of
anger, hatred and bitterness. The choice is not an easy one, it is a necessary one.

1.40 Develop your emotional intelligence by making a difference wherever you

go.

Focus from this day forward on making a difference.

Yes Don’t No
know/ Not
sure
I recognise what I am good at and what energises me.
I utilise fully my most enjoyed skills.
My work does further some interest or issue about which I care
deeply.
I see myself making a difference in the world through work.
I view most days with a sense of enthusiasm.
I have developed my own philosophy of life and success.
I am taking the necessary risks to live my philosophy.
I feel a sense of meaning and purpose to my life.
I have active goals this year relating to my purpose.
I am living my life to the fullest now instead of hoping that
things will work out someday.

Cranfield, Hansen and Hewitt: The Power of Focus

 Page 52 of 104

1.41 Develop your emotional intelligence by affirming the following:

 I am driven to improve and meet high standards.

 People say that I look for the opportunity first before the problem.
 I demonstrate commitment in relationships and explore barriers and boundaries.
 I show persistence in overcoming setbacks and pursuing positive outcomes.

Remember to work hard on the things highlighted above. God gives every bird its food, but He
does not throw it into the nest!

CLOSING COMMENTS

I trust that you have enjoyed working through the examples in this book. I would love to hear that you
are applying these principles in your life and to know how these principles are working for you. Please
send your success story to: Strong Message, P O Box 3091, Tygervalley, Bellville, South Africa.7535.
Fax us at +27 21 913 3697 or e-mail marden@mweb.co.za. You can make the difference wherever
you go.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Blessings.
 Page 53 of 104

COMMITMENT TO GROWTH AND SELF-IMPROVEMENT

I, ……………, HEREBY UNDERTAKE TO UTILISE THE KNOWLEDGE AND SKILLS THAT I HAVE
ACQUIRED BY STUDYING THE WORKBOOK, FOR MY OWN BENEFIT AND FOR THE BENEFIT
OF THOSE AROUND ME IN FUTURE.

IN PARTICULAR, I WANT TO BRING ABOUT AN IMPROVEMENT IN MY BEHAVIOUR AND WITHIN

MYSELF WITH REGARD TO:

1. …………………………………………….

2. …………………………………………….

3. …………………………………………….

4. …………………………………………….

4. …………………………………………….

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
My views, insights and conclusions about the ideas of the Power Hour series of People and Change
Management Coaching booklets stem also from my extensive reading of the work of the authors
acknowledged below. It has been very useful in validating my ideas, theories and concepts, as well as
providing further insight and viewpoints, and I would like to express my sincere thanks and
appreciation to these authors.

 Careful attention has been given to making the necessary acknowledgements.

 We welcome your comments as well as any input regarding recognition or references that
we may have omitted inadvertently.

 Please be assured of our bona fides in this regard.

 Do not hesitate to point out any oversights of this nature so that we can make the
necessary changes as soon as possible for future editions.

Copyright is fully acknowledged and the use of such information is in no way intended to
violate any copyright laws.
 Page 54 of 104

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Murdock, Mike. The assignment: Powerful secrets for discovering your destiny.
Murdock, Mike. The law of recognition.
Ortberg, John. Everybody’s normal till you get to know them.
Ortberg, John. If you want to walk on the water, you’ve got to get out of the boat.
Richardson, Cheryl. Stand up for your life.
Robbins, Anthony: Giant steps - Small changes to make a big difference.
 Page 55 of 104

Salmansohn, Karen: A cynic’s guide to spiritual happiness.

Schuller, Robert. Tough times never last, but tough people do.
Seamands, David. Healing memories.
Sieg, Diane: Rescue strategies for the overworked and overwhelmed. Stop loving like an emergency.
Silvoso, Ed. Anointed for business.
Treat, Casey. Daily steps to renewal.
Van Jaarsveld, Pieter. The heart of a winner - Developing your emotional intelligence.
Veenman, Warren & Eichhorst, Sally. Unleash your potential and live your ultimate life. Awaken the
infinite power within and create the life of your dreams.
Veenman, Warren & Eichhorst, Sally. Awaken the infinite power within and create the life of your
dreams.
Veenman, Warren & Eichhorst, Sally. Dare to succeed.
Williams, Nick. Unconditional success. Loving the work we were born to do. Williamson, David; Gay,
Lynn and Knapp, Robert. Twelve powers in you. Wright, Norman. Making peace with your past.
 Page 56 of 104

4. EQ CHECK-LIST AND COACHING SUGGESTIONS FOR MODERN

MANAGERS

st
In essence this manual is designed to be used by the manager of the 21 century. Managers can use
this checklist as a quick reference to help themselves and others to improve on building blocks of
emotional intelligence.

EQ CHECK-LIST FOR MODERN MANAGERS 

INTRAPERSONAL SCALES
Self-regard
o Coaching suggestion 1: Take five and write
o Coaching suggestion 2: Increase awareness of the self
o Coaching suggestion 3: Do an internal audit
o Coaching suggestion 4: Assign a mentor or coach
o Coaching suggestion 5: Invest in a counsellor
Emotional Self-awareness
o Coaching suggestion 6: Gather information about yourself
o Coaching suggestion 7: Determine your emotional triggers
o Coaching suggestion 8: Take time out
o Coaching suggestion 9: Know your desires
o Coaching suggestion 10: Draw your Life Wheel
Assertiveness
o Coaching suggestion 11: Learn to say “no”
o Coaching suggestion 12: Talk with your body
Independence
o Coaching suggestion 13: Map your way to independence
Self-actualisation
o Coaching suggestion 14: Compile a personal mission statement
INTERPERSONAL SCALES
Empathy
o Coaching suggestion 15: Practise the art of listening
o Coaching suggestion 16: Challenge cultural boundaries
Social responsibility
o Coaching suggestion 17: Make a difference
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Interpersonal relationship
o Coaching suggestion 18: Practise relationship dynamics
ADAPTABILITY SCALES
Reality testing
o Coaching suggestion 19: Design your personal five-forces model
Flexibility
o Coaching suggestion 20: Determine your limits
o Coaching suggestion 21: Reinvent yourself
Problem solving
o Coaching suggestion 22: Practise with problems
o Coaching suggestion 23: Determine your personal key success factors
o Coaching suggestion 24: Use your intuition
STRESS MANAGEMENT SCALES
Stress tolerance
o Coaching suggestion 25: Do a SWOT analysis
Impulse control
o Coaching suggestion 26: Learn to breathe
GENERAL MOOD SCALES
Optimism
o Coaching suggestion 27: Visualise it!
o Coaching suggestion 28: Explore the positives
Happiness
o Coaching suggestion 29: Show your emotion
o Coaching suggestion 30: Make enough time to play

In addition to the above table, it is suggested by Denton (2001) that managers request their
employees to each complete a coaching contract. This contract asks of employees to commit
themselves to focus on specific development areas, objectives, milestones, problems and solutions. It
provides them with a structured document in which they can plan the steps to bring about the desired
change and asks of them to commit to specific personal deadlines. This coaching contract is signed by
the manager and the employee and provides a platform to ensure coaching in the working
environment. An example of the contract is given at the end of this manual.
 Page 58 of 104

Coaching suggestion 1: Take five and write

Take a pen and paper and set the alarm clock for five minutes. Starting with the sentence “I feel good
about myself because” write, stream-of-consciousness style, whatever you feel at that moment. Keep
your pen moving until the timer rings.

I feel good about myself because ______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

After the five minutes are up, stop writing and underline all the positive insights about yourself. Is there
a message for you in these words? Be honest with your answer. (Adapted from Adrienne, 1999: 28).

Coaching suggestion 2: Increase awareness of the self

Awareness of the self can be increased by completing a simple questionnaire like the one in Table 1.
This questionnaire will force the individual to think and enter into an inner conversation. The key here
is to take a moment to reflect.

Table 1: Am I OK?
Tick the statements that are relevant to how you behave. Add them up. Write down how you view
yourself.
IF YOU THINK “I AM OK” YOUR BEHAVIOUR SAYS:
I am comfortable with compliments
I can challenge other peoples’ ideas
I can give my opinions openly
I can accept constructive criticism
I am generally relaxed
I am proud of who I am
IF YOU THINK “I AM NOT OK” YOUR BEHAVIOUR SAYS:
I provoke negative reactions
I play the “victim”
I always apologise and ask permission
I comply
I get embarrassed easily
I get defensive

Source: Roux, 2001: 4.

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Coaching suggestion 3: Do an internal audit

Another way to reflect on the self is by means of an internal audit. This can be done by answering
questions similar to the fifteen listed below (questions compiled and adapted from Denton, 2001: 21;
Roux, 2001: 5; and Le Roux & De Klerk, 2001: 74).

1. Who am I?

2. My qualities and characteristics, talents and skills that I regard as valuable are:

3. What makes me unique?

4. What are my greatest strengths or gifts that could be valued by other people?

5. Can I improve on these strengths? If so, how?

6. How could I use my strengths to achieve goals in my professional and personal life?
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7. I limit myself in the following ways (self put-downs):

8. What have others said that I cannot let go of?

9. I cannot forgive myself for . . .

10. Have I tried to do anything about the above? If so, what were the results?

11. What are my hopes and fears for the future?

12. What motivates me from day to day?

13. What do I wish I could change about myself?

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14. How could I begin to reflect change in this area?

15. Activities that make me successful are:

Cognitive activities:

Emotional activities:

Coaching suggestion 4: Assign a mentor or coach to the individual

Mentoring can be defined as the co-operative and nurturing relationship between a more experienced
person and a less experienced person. An individual with a low self-regard might benefit from a coach
who mentors him on a one-to-one basis. Not only will this teach the individual more about the
organisation in which he finds himself, but will also enhance confidence, communication skill levels,
rapport building and understanding, creativity and productivity, as well as ongoing team and individual
development (Denton, 2001: 20; Goleman et al., 2002: 62).

Coaching suggestion 5: Invest in a counsellor

A counsellor could be appointed by management to intervene and assist employees to enhance their
self-regard. Denton (2001: 20) suggests six action steps:
o Acknowledge that an employee’s self-regard is a vital determinant of behaviour and should be a
major focus in the counselling relationship.
o Explore the meaning of self-regard with the employee and how self-regard has impacted on past
behaviour and actions (and can influence present and future plans and decisions).
o Assist the employee in assessing the internal and external forces contributing to or retarding self-
regard. Develop a personally meaningful profile of esteem builders and detractors.
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o Recognise that the self-regard of the counsellor has a stimulating or depressing effect on the
esteem of a client and that each person needs to be aware of his self-regard and its effects on
others.
o Assist the employee in designing a self-regard enhancement programme customised to his
learning style and desired goals.
o Act on the conviction that self-regard is a disposition to know oneself as someone who is
competent to cope with the realities and demands of life.

Coaching suggestion 6: Gather information about yourself

Being self-aware has to do with the courage to face one’s strengths and weaknesses. Draw a table
and list your strengths and weaknesses. Circle the five negative characteristics that you see as limiting
to your professional career. Now ask your direct manager and a colleague to do the same exercise,
with you as their subject. How do their lists compare with yours? Discuss.

Coaching suggestion 7: Determine your emotional triggers

From the list below in Table 2 write down three positive and three negative feelings you have felt in the
past two weeks.

Table 2: Emotional triggers

Anger Aggression Annoyance Anguish
Anxiety Boredom Depression Disgust
Dread Embarrassment Envy Fear
Frustration Guilt Hate Hurt
Jealousy Loneliness Rejection Resentment
Sadness Shame Stress Worry
Calm Courage Enjoyment Enthusiasm
Excitement Happiness Hope Joy
Love Passion Relief Success
Source: Roux, 2001: 6 and Vermeulen, 1999: 187-194.
Positive:

Negative:
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Coaching suggestion 8: Take time out

Once you have determined the emotional triggers, it is important to take some time to establish the
following:
o What events triggered these feelings?
o How did you react?
o How did others react to you?
o Does your reaction trouble you?
o If so, why?
o How do you want to react to these feelings in future?
o Change those things you can

Here self-talk plays a critical role. The voice in your head will most probably provide you with the most
honest answers to these questions.

Coaching suggestion 9: Know your desires

Get into the habit of asking yourself “What do I want?” Ask yourself if you want to be feeling what you
are feeling, thinking what you are thinking or doing what you are doing. If the answer is “no”, the
choice is yours. Either continue or use the power of “no” to your advantage. Saying “no” will not only
help you build your self-confidence, but it will enhance your self-awareness in that you will have clarity
on what it is that makes you as individual tick.

Coaching suggestion 10: Draw your Life Wheel

Part of getting to know yourself involves being honest in answering the question: How well do I get
around? Adrienne (1999: 26) offers the following suggestion:
o Draw your Life Wheel
o The eight sections in the wheel represent balance. With the centre of the wheel as zero and the
outer edge as 10, rank your level of satisfaction with each area in your life by drawing a line,
creating a new outer edge. The new perimeter of the circle represents your Life Wheel.
o The challenge here is to strive for perfection – “Imagine how bumpy the ride might be if this were
a real wheel!” (Adrienne, 1999: 26).

Coaching suggestion 11: Learn to say “no”

It is important to note that each individual has the right to say “no”, even in a professional environment.
However, Le Roux and De Klerk (2001: 81) make the point that asserting oneself is a choice – “You
have to believe so much in what you say that you are willing to bear the consequences”.
 Page 64 of 104

However, it is important to note that saying “no” is not the same as berating oneself. “Saying ‘no’ is a
power boost. It puts us in opposition to what is bad or what we don’t want” (Cohen, 2001: 16). Saying
“no” can be practiced. An easy path to follow is to identify the situations in which you find it difficult to
assert yourself. Write them down, think about them and change them if you feel the need.

Coaching suggestion 12: Talk with your body

Weisinger (1998: 125) gives the following guidelines for using body language to reinforce
assertiveness:
o Use appropriate positioning. Stay close to the person with whom you are in conversation, without
getting so close that your actions are interpreted as aggressive. Stand or sit straight, don’t slouch.
Remember to maintain direct eye contact in order to convey your forthrightness.
o Use appropriate facial expression. Smile (or frown) when appropriate.
o Control your voice. Beware of raising the tone in your voice. Be confident when speaking.

Coaching suggestion 13: Map your way to independence

The good news is that independence can be developed. According to Adrienne (2001: 50) it is useful
to create a map listing one’s beliefs, values, dreams and goals to put one on the path to
independence. “You can, within a few minutes, gain tremendous insight about your life path by laying
out on a piece of paper your goals, your beliefs about these goals, your values influencing your life
goals and specific actions to take.”
o Write your issue under the heading “What I want to create.”
o In the upper left corner write down any goals you wish to achieve concerning this issue.
o In the centre, list everything you think is stopping you from succeeding.
o As you think about either your goals on the upper left or your obstacles in the centre, you may
have intuitive ideas that pop up in terms of “Things to do/Check out.” List those ideas or action
steps on the upper right-hand side. List limiting parental beliefs and what you think limits you in
your independence. Jot down the roots of your beliefs.

Coaching suggestion 14: Compile your personal mission statement

Your personal mission statement must reflect your dreams and desires, but must also be in line with
your values. It comprises your thoughts, feelings and actions and answers questions such as
o What do you want from life?
o What are your goals?
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Roux (2001: 10) and Denton (2000: 31) suggest the following “reflection points” to consider when
writing your mission:
o How would you like to be remembered?
o What are your future desires?
o If you did not have to work for a living you would . . .
o You are happiest when . . .
o You would like to improve the quality of your time on . . .
o What areas of life would you like to explore?

Coaching suggestion 15: Practise the art of listening

Le Roux and De Klerk (2001: 92) point out that there is a difference between hearing and listening.
Hearing does not involve emotion, while listening with empathy means “that you want to understand
the meaning of the words and feelings and you have an attitude of respect”.

A good listener understands the importance of letting the other party know that he is listening. This
can be done through non-verbal signals, sending the message “I am paying attention”. Use the list in
Table 3 as a mental checklist to ensure that you are turning your listening skills into an art. Mark those
skills that you have mastered with a  and those that need practice with a X:

Table 3: Listening checklist

Statement  X
I understand the difference between hearing and listening.
I listen with my ears, eyes and my entire body (including my gestures and facial
expressions).
I listen for feelings.
I am sensitive to feelings that underlie the other person’s words.
I look out for other signs of non-verbal communication.
I am sincere in my listening efforts.
I listen without my autobiography. That means I listen without interrupting the other
party with my own personal story. I give him the chance to finish talking first.
Source: Compiled and adapted from Le Roux and De Klerk, 2001: 92 and Fourie, 1997: 16.

Coaching suggestion 16: Challenge cultural boundaries

Throughout the world, cultural context is of great importance. The context of one’s fellow citizens
might not be the same as one’s own and could lead to misunderstandings, especially in the workplace.
For instance, in some African cultures one may not have eye contact with anyone of a higher status
 Page 66 of 104

than oneself. Exactly the opposite is true in Western cultures, where the absence of eye contact in
some cases is considered to be rude or disrespectful (Fourie, 1997: 16).

The key here is to develop sensitivity to cultural differences. In order to have higher levels of empathy
it is necessary to get along with people from different cultures. However, this means developing
people’s knowledge about who they are, what they are about and what is important to them. One
needs to read, talk and be generally streetwise to get this right.

Coaching suggestion 17: Make a difference

There are various ways in which the individual can become socially responsible. However, as a
manager one can also motivate one’s organisation to do its bit in making a difference. Ask yourself the
following questions on both a personal and professional level:

1. What am I/are we currently contributing to our community?

2. Is my/Are our effort(s) making a difference? If so, how? If not, how can I/we do better?

3. How can I/we motivate other individuals/organisations to become involved?

Coaching suggestion 18: Practise relationship dynamics

When looking at a business model, relationship dynamics refers to the nature of the interaction
between two or more people (Hamel, 2000: 84). “The notion of relationship dynamics acknowledges
the fact that there are emotional, as well as transactional, elements in the interaction between people
and that these can be the basis of a highly differentiated business concept.”

In order to make the most of one’s interpersonal relationships one needs to practise these dynamics
by answering questions similar to the ones posed by Hamel (2000: 84). The questions listed have
been adapted accordingly:
 Page 67 of 104

1. How easy is it for you to interact with the other party?

Very easy
Easy
Difficult
Very difficult

2. What would you say is/are your reason(s) for the above?
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

3. What feelings do these interactions invoke on your part?

_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

4. Is any sense of loyalty created by the pattern of interactions?

_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

5. How do you think you make other people feel?

_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

6. What is the range of emotions that someone experiences in his interaction with you?
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

7. Could you influence these emotions in his interactions with you? If so, how?
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
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8. Have you invested enough in this relationship? How can you go about investing more?
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
9. What are the five relationships that you admire in this world?
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
10. Is there anything about these relationships you could learn from in your relationship
with others?
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

Coaching suggestion 19: Design your personal five-forces model

The five-forces model is traditionally used as a key analytical tool for diagnosing the competitive
environment in which organisations find themselves (Thompson & Strickland, 2001: 81). This model is
regarded as a reality check. The five competitive forces referred to include:
1. The rivalry among competing sellers in the industry.
2. The potential entry of new competitors.
3. The market attempts of organisations in other industries to win customers over to their own
substitute products.
4. The competitive pressures stemming from supplier-seller collaboration and bargaining.
5. The competitive pressures stemming from seller buyer collaboration and bargaining (Thompson &
Strickland, 2001: 80).

It is suggested that the modern manager use this familiar tool as his reality check. Determining the five
forces will differ from individual to individual, depending on the context of their lives and current
environment. These forces could include:
1. Internal conflict between what is experienced and what objectively exists.
2. Pressure from outsiders attempting to express their views in order to try and influence the
individual’s opinion.
3. Potential entry of new opinions.
4. Pressure stemming from management-employee relationships.
5. Pressures stemming from employee-management relationships.
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Coaching suggestion 20: Determine your limits

Ask yourself how you would handle the following situations:

1. I have been retrenched.

_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

2. My employees express a problem with my management style.

_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

3. The market no longer seems interested in my product.

_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

4. My family complain that they see too little of me.

_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

5. My organisation wants me to relocate and set up business in a foreign country.

_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________

Coaching suggestion 21: Reinvent yourself

Make a list of the things you have always wanted to change, but have ever got round to. Prioritise
these issues in order of personal importance. Now write down your plan of action. Be innovative and
try to use new ideas to help you reach your goal. Go ahead and do it!

Coaching suggestion 22: Practise with problems

The good news is that problem solving can be practiced. Take some time and think of five problems
that recently occurred in your life. How would you have solved these differently? List at least three
alternative solutions. Explore each of these alternatives and determine the best way out. Discuss this
with a friend or colleague. What would their solutions have been? Benchmark yourself in this process.
 Page 70 of 104

Coaching suggestion 23: Determine your personal key success factors

Within the professional environment key success factors are defined as those things that most affect
industry members’ ability to prosper in the marketplace. These include particular strategy elements,
product attributes, resources, competencies, competitive capabilities and market achievements
(Thompson & Strickland, 2001: 106). List the key success factors you have with regard to problem
solving. Such a list could include your approach strategy, personal attributes, and resources at your
disposal, competencies and individual capabilities.

Coaching suggestion 24: Use your intuition

You might score low on problem solving if you are an intuitive problem solver. If you know that you
tend to solve problems by using your intuition, by all means continue to do so. Intuition is described as
a natural attunement to knowledge that is meant to further well-being and growth (Adrienne, 1999:
127). Intuitive decisions can be made in split seconds and are not necessarily wrong (Nader, 2001:
86). If they work for you, use them!

Coaching suggestion 25: Do a SWOT analysis

Think of a stressful situation you have recently experienced. Now do a SWOT analysis of your
handling of the situation. Ask yourself:
o What are your particular strengths and weaknesses when dealing with stress?
o What are the external opportunities and threats involved?

This process is one of self-discovery. In the business world a SWOT analysis provides an overview of
whether a firm’s business position is fundamentally healthy or unhealthy. According to Thompson and
Strickland (2001: 117) “SWOT analysis is grounded in the basic principle that strategy-making efforts
must aim at producing a good fit between an organization’s resource capabilities (as reflected by its
balance of resource strengths and weaknesses) and its external situation”. The same applies to an
individual’s handling of stress. When one knows where the balance between one’s own strengths and
weaknesses and external conditions (with specific reference to opportunities and threats) lie, one will
be clearer as to what one’s strategy with stress must be.

Doing a SWOT analysis in business is based on understanding, and the same applies to one’s
personal life.
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Coaching suggestion 26: Learn to breathe

People with low impulse control must learn to pause before they react. One of the ways to do this is to
practice one’s breathing so that one can learn to relax in stressful situations.

According to Cohen (2001: 119), breathing is one of the first bodily functions affected when one
becomes tense and anxious. “We tend to breathe faster and shallower. This reduces the supply of
oxygen to our brain and body, which results in increased tension and nervousness.” However, if one
practiced breathing more slowly and deeply, one will be able to increase the oxygen supply and
reverse the stressful reaction.

Practise your breathing in the following way:

o Focus on your abdomen.
o When you breathe in your abdomen should expand; when you breathe out it should contract.
o The rest of your body must remain relaxed.
o Push out all the air from your lungs.
o Breathe quickly to get the oxygen flowing through your body.
o Now breathe deeply, using rhythmic breathing to relax.

When practiced regularly, this way of breathing will eventually become a habit that will help you to
pause before reacting in stressful situations.

Coaching suggestion 27: Visualise it

Visualisation is the ability to form mental images. However, visualisation goes beyond seeing a
picture. It can involve all the senses, including sight, sound, touch, taste and smell (Cohen, 2001: 97).

Roux (2001: 18) recommends that a simple visualisation exercise be done regularly:
o Make yourself comfortable, close your eyes and visualise your life with your mission statement
achieved. Feel, hear, taste, smell and touch your life. Do this often and remind yourself of what
awaits you.
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Coaching suggestion 28: Explore the positives

1. Make a list of all the positive elements in your life. Now compare these to the negatives. Explore
ways in which you can turn negatives into positives.
2. List the attributes of optimistic people that you know. What can you learn from them?

Coaching suggestion 29: Show your emotion

Some people laugh when they are happy, while others prefer to cry. The importance lies in regularly
expressing one’s happiness. The trick with happiness, according to Nader (2001: 23), is to be able to
use the sadness one has experienced in one’s life as a tool to help one regain happiness. “You need
to be ready to attain additional wisdom, to build shields that protect you and to enhance your attitude
to cope with the situation.” This, he writes, is important because sadness knocks you down and it “is
much easier to stay down than to lift yourself against the inertia” (Nader, 2001: 23).

Coaching suggestion 30: Make enough time to play

st
The demands of the 21 century are high. Ensure that you have enough time to relax with family and
friends and to live out the happiness you are feeling in your heart.

SOURCE: OPTIMISING HUMAN CAPITAL THROUGH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

- The ultimate guide for modern managers -

A Study Project presented to the Graduate School of Business of the University of

Stellenbosch in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Business
Administration by Marí Lategan Supervisor: Mario Denton.
 Page 73 of 104

5. Keep the momentum: Develop your emotional competency

Full Source and recognition and get a copy of this book please: The Heart of a Winner-
Developing your emotional intelligence: Pieter van Jaarsveld

1. Introduction
What is emotional intelligence?
Think of an individual who has had a major influence on you or your life in general, either as a child,
teenager or an adult. This person may have even influenced your career in some way. What qualities
did this person possess?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 IQ predicts success at school

 IQ on average predicts only 10% of success on the job
 IQ is fixed, and peaks in the late teens and early twenties.
 IQ is culturally bound
 IQ cannot be developed

On the other hand,

 EQ is not fixed. It can rise steadily, and continuous improvements is possible. It is thus
capable of development
 EQ knows no cultural differences
 EQ knows no gender differences on the whole.
 EQ can, like IQ be realistically and objectively measured.
 EQ skills, if strengthened, greatly improve one’s change of success.

A researcher once said that for every positive statement a parent makes, he or she usually makes
eighteen negative. Similarly, for every positive remark manager make to staff, they will make twelve
negative.
 Page 74 of 104

Below are a number of remarks made by parents while brining up children.

“Be careful … you will get hurt”
“Don’t interrupt me”
“Children should be seen and not heard”
“Don’t be stupid”
“Be quiet”
“Be nice”
“Don’t be angry”
“Don’t be lazy”
“Remember God is watching you”
“If you are naughty I am going to call the police”
“Only sissies cry”
“Don’t you question me”
“Be quiet”
“What will other people think?”
”Don’t try to be smart with me”
“Who do you think you are”
“Be grateful for small mercies”
“I did not expect that from you”
“You may not be pretty, but at least you are clever”
Other:
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Negative messages which you received affect you in the following ways:
 This has resulted in you having a low self-esteem
 You get shy and embarrassed quite easily
 Have made you scared to try things
 You have some fear of authority figures
 You feel it is a weakness to show emotions
 You are afraid to try it because you think you may not succeed
 You were told that you must always do the right thing or else you will be a failure
 You think you should never argue with or question older people
 You believe you must always put other people first
 Page 75 of 104

 You believe you do not have any rights

 You have not allowed yourself to have your own opinion
 Your feelings do not count
 Somebody always knows better than you do
 You have to finish what you have started, even if you changed your mind and do not enjoy or
want to complete it
 Other people have a superior knowledge to you
 You were told that you are not as clever as you think you were, and cheeky on top of it
 You are not really special
 You feel guilty most of the time because you cannot live up to his/her expectations
 You’ve come to believe that you do not deserve any better
 You think things are simply what they are and cannot be changed
 You were taught, “Do not look in the mirror – you will not look any better”
 You were told to accept that you are the working class, always will be, and should be proud of
it.

2. Techniques to overcome emotional conditioning and self-perception

What have you learnt so far? That:

 You are created with an enormous potential that is far from being fully utilised
 One of the reasons for people not utilising their potential is the negative conditioning received
during their childhood years. This affects their confidence levels.
 Past conditioning affects the emotional mind, and this has a major impact on a person’s
behaviour.

Positive affirmations
 By programming your subconscious in a more positive manner, negative and self-critical
attitudes and perceptions can be changed into a more positive belief system that will in
turn lead to a more positive outlook on life, as well as to higher levels of self-confidence
and self-regard.
 Self-mastery can lead to star performance

Changing self-talk
 Out-of-control emotions can make intelligent people behave stupidly.
 More realistic self-talk leads to higher emotional competence, and more effective behaviour.
 Unrealistic, negative self-talk leads to negativity, including negative feelings and depression
 Page 76 of 104

Visualisation
 Through visualisation, you can use your mind power to achieve your desires and goals.
 Visualisation is the use of one’s imagination to see yourself in a future situation. A person
pictures the results he or she wishes to achieve.
 Through visualisation, a person is able to mentally achieve what he or she is trying physically
to achieve. The reason for this is that the nervous system cannot tell the difference between
an imagined or an achieved goal.
 Not using their ability to visualise is a major reason why people fail to achieve their dreams
and desires.

Self-acceptance
 Self-acceptance leads to knowledge of one’s own strengths and areas of development.
 Self-acceptance is the ability to come to terms with who you are. Achieving this improves your
self-image
 Self-acceptance can help you to capitalise on our strengths and to develop those areas which
need development. It has the power to improve our self-mastery.

Self-acknowledgment
 By acknowledging your past successes, you can release powerful energy for even greater
success.
 When you give yourself a pat on the back for past victories, you create a vibration which
empowers you to become more successful.

You can change all this by re-programming and reconditioning the subconscious.

3. How to use affirmations

If you simply repeat your affirmations without really meaning them, they will have no value. You need
to engage sincerity and strive to burn them into your subconscious minds. Do the following:
1. Repeat your affirmations several times a day, for five minutes at a time. It is a good idea
to practise your affirmations early in the morning, when you are able to relax, and again
before you go to bed at night..
2. Visualise and experience each affirmation, as if it were already realised in your life. Take
for instance the affirmation: “I am a caring person.” Visualise what is happening as you
show your caring attitude. Note in detail what you do to help a friend in need.
3. Sense and feel your affirmation. Use your senses to experience your goal as already
accomplished. Feel the emotion which accompanies that achievement.
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The well-known Jewish psychiatrist, Victor Frankl, who conceived the theory of logotherapy, once
explained how he arrived at the conclusion that a person can choose his own feelings or behaviour.
During the Second World War, he was interned in a concentration camp. Due to the fact that he was
such a well-known person, he was not put into the general barracks, but into a tiny cell. Frankl lost all
his possessions. He was deprived of the doctorate dissertation he was working on; experienced the
death of his parents in the gas chambers; and eventually had even his clothing taken away!

From his cell, he could hear the keys to the doors of the adjacent cells, and realised that the day
would come when he himself would have to go the gas chambers. One morning, after a night of
torture, the prisoners were on their way to the quarries where they were set to work. a fellow prisoner
exclaimed: “Look at that sunrise!” Frankl replied, “How can you look at the sunrise? Our bodies were
mutilated last night!” His friend, however, simply repeated, “Look at the sunrise!”

According to Frankl, it dawned on him that night that people can take away everything you own –
except for one thing – the freedom you have all been given to decide how things will affect you.
Because you have a choice, you can decide how you will react or behave.You have a response-ability!

Samples of affirmations

 I am a caring person
 I am a friendly person
 I have a wonderful brain
 Smiling makes me feel positive
 I like and respect myself
 I use my utmost potential
 I am fair in dealing with people
 I am efficient in stressful situations
 I am excellent at doing presentations
 I show great concern for others
 It is fun to be organised
 I am an excellent sales person

4. Realistic self-talk

Many of your irrational thoughts are responsible for emotions such as anxiety, depression, guilt
feelings, hatred, feeling of inferiority, anger, aggression, jealousy, and fear. Ellis says, “It holds that
humans become disturbed, and malfunction, mainly because of their erroneous and irrational beliefs,
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attitudes, values and philosophies. Perhaps the most elegant and efficient way to help them with
emotional problems lies in teaching and demonstrating specifically how they needlessly upset
themselves, and showing them how to dispute and surrender their self-defeating beliefs.

Practically all emotional problems are created in our heads. When you think in an alarming, angry, or
depressed manner, you feel alarmed, angry or depressed. This would not happen if you changed your
self-talk. It is the way you think about things that upsets you, not the events themselves.”

 “It is essential for you to be loved and approved of by everybody else.” Any attempt to achieve
this would be a full time job. None of us are alike. You vary from one another as regards the
things and people who appeal to you. This unrealistic thought may also stem from your
childhood if you were conditioned to believe that if others do not like you there must be
something wrong with you.

 “You must be competent, adequate and fully achieving before you can consider yourself
worthwhile.” People who believe this tend to live in constant fear of failure. It can even lead to
psychosomatic illnesses. Nobody can be successful and efficient in everything they do

 “Unhappiness is caused by outside circumstances, and you have no control over such”
Circumstances, or the remarks made by others, are not damaging in themselves. It is your
interpretation that is damaging. Other people cannot hurt you. You hurt yourself with your own
self-talk. Feelings come from inside not outside.

 “Dangerous or fearsome things are cause for great concern, and you therefore need to keep
the possibility of them happening continually in mind.” Worrying about something will not
change it. Moreover, it has a negative effect on the body because it causes the stress
hormone, cortisol, to be secreted. 95% of the things people worry about never happen.

 “Past experiences and events determine your present behaviour. The influence of your past
cannot be eradicated.” It is true that the negative conditioning of the past has an effect on a
person. You, however, have the choice to change this by replacing it with more positive self-
talk and feelings.

 “There is a correct or perfect solution to every problem and you must find it, or the results will
be catastrophic.” You have been taught that it is wrong to make a mistake. This is one of the
reasons why people generally feel they are a failure. They do not realise that making a
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mistake does not make them a failure. When you make a mistake, that is all it is – a mistake.
No matter how many mistakes we make, they all remain on the outside of our real selves.

Cheri Carter-Scott: Extraordinary people visualise not what is possible or probable, but rather what is
impossible. And by visualising the impossible, they begin to see it as possible.

5. How to visualise

Step one
It is important that you first relax. A nice, easy way to do this is to inhale, hold your breath for a count
of ten, then exhale. Do this three or four times, and then try to be as calm as possible.

Step two
See a picture of what you want to achieve as vividly as you possible can in your mind. By vividly I
mean that you should see the picture in colour, try to taste it, try to feel it, and experience it as best
you can.

Try it
You are now ready to practise visualisation! Decide on something silly you would like to take to work
with you tomorrow, e.g., a potato. Step one is to relax well. Step two is to picture how you are going to
remember this potato. Visualise, for instance, that you are going to fetch the potato when you have
your first cup of coffee in the morning.

Self-acceptance
Many psychologists believe that one of the reasons why people only utilise up to 14% of their potential
is that they are never happy with themselves, and have a low level of self-acceptance.

The Dutch psychologist, Wijngaarden, speaks of passive acceptance. You need to learn to accept the
things you cannot change. You often tend to become negative about the things which are beyond your
ability to change, and this affects your confidence levels greatly – to the extent that it hampers you
from utilising our full potential.

Wijingaarden also speaks of active acceptance. He says that we all have certain weaknesses that we
can change. You need to do is tackle these and do something about them. If a person is overweight,
he/she can go on a diet. If a person’s stress levels are too high, he/she should make a concerted effort
to address this. If a person is too reserved, he/she could attend an assertiveness course.
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Assess yourself several times a year. What are your strengths? What are your deficiencies? Ask
yourself, “Can I change these?” If not, accept the situation. If your answer is, “Yes”, make the
necessary changes.

It is important for you to remember the following, as it concerns both your physical well-being and your
management of stress:
 The mind and body are inseparably one.
 Your thoughts, positive and negative, affect your entire body.
 You do not have to be held hostage by your previous experiences.
 Your habits, skills and patterns can be developed or changed, and stored at any stage.
 When you are negative, high levels of the stress hormone cortisol are secreted.
 Emotional learning takes far longer than intellectual learning.
 Emotional learning requires the circuitry in the motional centre to be retuned, and this takes
time.

6. Improving your self-awareness

You can improve our self-awareness if you learn how to respond correctly to others and to the events
in your lives.
1. Examine your appraisals of a person or situation. Your feelings, actions and reactions are
affected by your thoughts and your self-talk.
2. Consider the effect of your perceptions. You often make assumptions based on what you
perceive about another person’s behaviour.
3. Stay in touch with your feelings.
4. Be aware of hidden agendas and intentions. You all have certain intentions at times to do
something, without being aware that there is actually a hidden agenda behind them.
5. Consider the effect of your actions. Your actions may portray a very different image to
others than you are aware of. People often base their perceptions about you on what they
observe about you.

7. Dimensions of anger

Anger has 5 different dimensions:

 Cognition: What are your thoughts when you are angry? It is often negative self-talk which
causes our anger. It is not the situation or event, but rather your interpretation thereof which
makes you angry. You have a choice as to how we react to a provocative situation.
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 Emotion: Cognition leads to emotion. There is no doubt that anger is physiologically bad for
you, and therefore needs to be managed properly. There is evidence that anger can lead to
digestive disorders, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, headaches, migraines, rashes and
susceptibility to infection.
Without going into too much detail, anger also causes an increased production of cortisol,
adrenaline and noradrenaline. An increase in cortisol can lead to atherosclerosis, which is the
most common cause of coronary artery disease.
High levels of cortisol suppress the immune system, and decrease the body’s ability to fight
infection. It also has an effect on the efficiency of the liver, which is responsible for clearing of
blood of cholesterol.

People who become angry fairly often during the day, or who are angry for extended periods
of time, are at real risk. You are not only in psychological danger for a few hours when you
experiences anger, but also do immense harm to your body as well.

 Communication: When you get angry, you always communicate it in one way or another.
Verbal communication of anger, if done in an appropriate manner, can help you get past your
anger to the real cause of the problem, and thus lower the possibility of the same problem re-
occuring in the future. An honest approach will often gain you the respect of the other person.
Some people tend to suppress their anger because they fear embarrassment, or are unwilling
to hurt others. They may also be worried about what the consequences would be if they were
to communicate their anger. Most of the time, however, people pick up the non-verbal cues in
any event, which can lead to the destruction of a relationship if the anger is not correctly
understood.

 Effect: What feelings do you experience when angry? In general, you find it very difficult to
control your emotions. When you are angry to do so becomes even more difficult, since you
feel it is too sensitive an issue to deal with. Feelings are of great significance, both at home
and at work. You tend to feel that the expression or demonstration of your feelings is not quite
appropriate, or too private and personal.
You think that only positive feelings should be expressed.

Social psychologists tell us that by expressing your feelings, you can build more meaningful
relationships. In many instances, organisations do not allow or encourage the expression of
feelings such as anger, albeit in a constructive and appropriate manner. This results in
employees suppressing their feelings when hurt or humiliated. You all know that in many
companies it is extremely risky to express one’s feelings, since the company culture
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unfortunately does not allow for this. We must, however, find a way to work towards this end.
It is, in any event, of the utmost importance that our emotions be appropriately expressed in
our interpersonal relationships.

 Behaviour: How do you behave when angry? Different people behave in different ways.
Your behaviour when you are angry is often the same as that which was modelled by our
parents, brothers, or sisters. There is a very good chance that if your parents have always
expressed anger through sarcasm shouting, or name-calling, you will react in the same way.
You can, however, learn to change our behaviour into that which is more productive.

8. Dealing with anger from a past experience

The truth is that you cannot live your life without hurtful experiences taking place from time to time. All
of us are subject to the pain and trauma associated with past experiences. In some cases this may
even involve situations of abuse, rape, or molestation. No matter what your circumstances may have
been, you all nevertheless have a choice as to how you deal with this pain.

You have leaned that it is not the circumstances (A) of the past that determine your feelings (C), but
what we believe (B).

Basic steps in dealing with pain

Step 1: Accept that hurt and pain are part of life.
Step 2: Extend unconditional forgiveness towards the person who has trespassed against
you. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ
God forgave you.)
Step 3: Communicate with the one who has offended you. This may take a lot of courage and
skill. When the time is right, the pain can be shared with the person who is
responsible for it. depending on the circumstances, the person can also be called to
repentance. If doing so seems inadvisable, it may be a good idea to speak to a
psychologist or pastor to get things off your chest for good.
Step 4: Try not to think about the hurt again. Use the “Stop”, or “Rubber band” techniques to
help you put the past behind you. While this will not be an easy task, it is an important
step.
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Managing anger
1. Awareness: Learn to identify the clues your body gives you when you are on the verge of
experiencing anger. Feelings of tension may be a good indicator, i.e., tense muscles,
headaches, irritability, tension pains in the chest, perspiration rate, heart rate, respiration
rate, dry mouth, and speaking in a loud voice.
2. Time out: It is advisable to take a break or go for a walk when you sense that you are
getting angry. Movement induces relaxation, as our muscles work in pairs: the one group
relaxes while the other contracts, a few deep breaths or a drink of water to cool you down,
are further examples of the numerous other “time-outs” interventions which you can
employ. Sometimes you will need to take a little longer – for instance, you may need an
hour’s break after a tense meeting.
3. Humour: Humour reduces the “pain” which accompanies anger. Where appropriate, one
could try to defuse an anger situation with a funny statement, or even a joke.
4. Communicating anger: There are times when we need to communicate our anger to the
person who has provoked us, in order to ensure that things don’t happen that way again.
People who provoke us are often not aware that they have done so, and by sharing our
feelings with them we can help them to change such behaviour. Ephesians 4:26: Do not
let the sun go down while you are still angry.

There are three steps involved in communicating anger:

 Communicate the fact that you are angry, e.g., “I am angry …”
 Identify the reason you are angry, e.g., “ because you attacked me in front of the
other staff members.”
 Mention what the person could to in the future to eliminate provocation, e.g., “ … and
in the future, won’t you please discuss things with me first, as there may have been a
good reason for my behaviour.”

Dealing with a difficult, angry person

If the anger is directed at you, the following may help you to deal with it appropriately:
 Remain calm. Speak in a very calm, controlled, almost monotonous tone of voice. By keeping
the tone of your voice down, you will help to calm the other person.
 Help the person to slow down his responses. You must, however, bear in mind that you
cannot control somebody else’s reactions.
 Ask the person to sit down and offer him or her a cup of tea, a glass of water, or some
appropriate refreshment, if you think it may help to change their immediate behaviour.
 “Time out” can bring serenity. You could suggest that you move to another environment, e.g.,
you can go for a cp of coffee in the office cafeteria, or continue your discussion on the patio. If
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the person is very upset, suggest taking a break and resuming the discussion after ten or thirty
minutes.
 Listen with understanding. It is important to use non-verbal communication, such as eye
contact, body language, etc to show the angry person that you are listening. At times, you may
be able to defuse the anger by allowing the person to express his or her feelings.
 Use rephrasing and empathetic listening. By rephrasing (i.e., summarising the person’s words
in similar terms), and showing empathy, you are acknowledging to the person that you
understand what he or she is feeling, and allowing him or her the right to feel that way. It is,
therefore, important that you refrain from placing any blame on the person.
 Ask him or her how the problem can be resolved. This is best done after you have reached an
acceptable level of mutual understanding. Only agree to a solution if you are certain that it can
be implemented.

In conclusion, you can say that anger management involves the following main steps:

1. Acknowledge your anger

2. Identify the provocation
3. Choose the most appropriate response

How to give constructive criticism

1. Ask yourself:
 What specific behaviour do you want to criticise?
 What are your motives?
 How can you go about this in a constructive manner without causing hurt?
 How can you help this person to improve?

2. Ensure that the time and place are right so that the person will not be negative. If your
timing is wrong, you will be ineffective.
To help you decide whether your timing is right or not, you can ask yourself the following
questions:
 Is this the best time?
 Is he or she in the right frame of mind?
 Am I in the right frame of mind?
 Am I calm enough? (It is very important that you do not pick up on another person’s
emotions, nor try to take advantage of their emotional state).
 Is this the right environment?
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3. Protect the self-esteem of the other person at all times. The use of I-messages will serve
to enhance the person’s self-esteem, e.g., “That was a stupid remark” will threaten the
person’s self-esteem, while “I am really disappointed by your remark” is not as destructive.
Avoid destructive comments such as “You are stupid”, or “You are lazy”.
4. Identify the problem and point out the consequences thereof, e.g., “I am unhappy about
the fact that you did not submit your report timeously, because mine is now going to be
too late for the management meeting.” Rather than trying to justify yourself against the
other person’s shortcomings, simply stick to the specific problem at hand.
5. Give positive input. If the situation is a difficult one, acknowledge it, e.g., “I enjoy working
with you because you always meet deadlines. I know this specific project has come up at
a very difficult time.”
6. Discuss possible solutions. It is always helpful to offer a solution, so that the recipient of
your criticism does not feel frustrated and demotivated. It may be even better if you are
able to model the criticised behaviour, for example, if the person is abrupt with customers,
pick up the telephone and show him or her how one should treat a customer. You must,
however, ensure that you do so in such a manner that you are not perceived as being a
“Know-all”.
7. If you have to criticise somebody, ensure that you do this face-to-face. Most people are
uncomfortable giving criticism and would prefer to do so via a memo or even a third party.
It should always be done on a face-to-face basis, however, since this provides the
recipient with the necessary opportunity to respond or to clarify the situation.
8. Be sensitive. Show empathy and be aware of the possible impact you may have on the
person who is at the receiving end of your criticism.
9. End the discussion on a positive note. Thank the person for being willing to resolve the
problem, and express your hope that you have gained a better understanding.
10. Follow up and assess the changes that have taken place since the discussion. Ensure
that the solutions agreed upon have been implemented.

How to receive criticism

You need to realise that criticism often contains valuable information which can help you. It is also
important to accept responsibility for what has been said to us, rather than becoming defensive.
Remember that, although the criticism may in fact be based on a misperception, the other person no
doubt perceives it to be the reality. You, therefore, need to first accept responsibility if you are to
change the perception he or she has of the situation. In the meantime, if you find the situation too
distressful, you can ask to resume the meeting a little later on.
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Receiving criticism constructively, requires that you:

1. Recognize that criticism can be a learning experience on the way to building better
relationships.
2. Remain calm. Your emotions run away with you, the situation will be unproductive. If you
become highly upset, you need to ask for “time out”, and request to delay the discussion
for a few minutes, or even half an hour, or more if appropriate.
3. Listen first, then speak. Your non-verbal communication must demonstratge that you are
listening attentively. Be sensitive to what the critic is feeling, and try to apply empathetic
listening to depict your understanding. If you repeat what the person is saying to you in
your own words, this can lead to a better situation. By being empathetic, you show that
you can see the issue from the other person’s perspective. This can prevent the situation
from becoming destructive.
4. Do not become defensive. Assume responsibility for your actions.
5. Show your willingness to change.
6. Apologize sincerely when you are wrong (the emphasis being on sincerely). By doing so,
you build the relationship.

Zig Ziglar; A pessimist looks for difficulty in the opportunity, where-as an optimist looks for opportunity
in the difficulty.

An optimist, on the other hand, when experiencing a setback will perceive it to be a temporary
situation. He will likely believe that the situation is not his fault, and that setbacks are merely caused
by circumstances, bad luck, or other people. The optimist sees a setback as a challenge, and merely
tries harder.

Learned helplessness
Learned helplessness is the giving-up reaction: the quitting response that stems from a belief that
nothing you do matters. Learned helplessness lead to a feeling that you cannot control anything. If you
are in the grips of such a belief, you become depressed more easily, fail to utilise your full potential at
home or work, and possibly become physically ill more often. Pessimism, in fact, becomes a self-
fulfilling prophecy.

Personal control
Personal control is the ability to change things, and to take action. It is the obvious opposite of learned
helplessness. Over the past umber of years psychologists and self-improvement experts have come to
place the emphasis more and more on the Self, and the fact that our Self as the ability to choose how
we wish to think and adapt. It is important that we harness this ability more in our lives.
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People with the learned helplessness syndrome, are not doomed to remain that way for life. Changing
mindset and taking control of your life could fill your days with confidence and purpose.

Seligman says, “there are three important dimensions to your explanatory style, the so-called 3P’s:
Permanence, Pervasiveness, and Personalisation.”

 Permanence: People who are pessimistic feel that bad events will continually occur and
affect lives. Such people often use phrases such as, “I always fail when I try to diet.” They feel
that nothing can really be done to change the difficulties they experience.
This is not to say that when an optimist fails, he will not feel helpless for some time. The
difference is that his negative feelings will be of a temporary nature. The pessimistic person
will, however, often continue to feel helpless for days, and even months, after experiencing
even small setbacks. Frequently, their response will be, “It is always going to be like this.” The
optimistic person, however, sees setbacks in a totally different light. Although he or she may
be disappointed at the time, the optimist will continue with renewed vigour to achieve personal
goals.

 Pervasiveness: Pervasiveness refers to the way in which people explain bad events. A
pessimistic person will see them as affecting every part of his or her life, e.g.,: “This is going to
undermine everything!”

 Personalisation: Personalisation is the tendency to view the bad events or failures which come
our way as being caused by oneself – “It is my fault.” This leads to feelings of worthlessness
which can affect the self-esteem. The pessimistic person will personalise a bad event, e.g.,: “I
am a failure”, or “There is something wrong with me – that is why the deal did not go through”.
The optimist will view such an event as the result of bad timing, or will conclude that the
product is not what the buyer needs. He will not, however, put himself down unnecessarily.

There are nine symptoms to look out for in diagnosing a “major depressive episode”:
1. Depressed mood
2. Loss of interest in usual activities
3. Loss of appetite
4. Insomnia
5. Psychomotor retardation (slow thought or movement)
6. Loss of energy
7. Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
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8. Diminished ability to think and concentrate

9. Suicidal thought or action

If as many as five of the above symptoms are present, a “major depressive episode” can be
diagnosed.

What causes learned helplessness and depression?

1. Negative conditioning. Negative conditioning, which occurred during our childhood, can
create the self-defeating belief that we cannot succeed. This leads to feelings of
insecurity. Criticism received during childhood often leads to a pessimistic lifestyle.
2. A mother’s explanatory style. A mother’s own explanatory style invariably has a major
effect on the explanatory style of her children. A child’s explanatory style is usually
determined before the age of eight years. When a mother explains bad events or setbacks
in a manner that is pessimistic, permanent, pervasive, or personal, it has the potential to
be contagious, with the result that the same explanatory style is established in the child.
Interestingly enough, no research has as yet proved a father’s explanatory style to have
the same effect. At this state we can at least say that it is rather disastrous for a child to
have a pessimistic mother!
3. Criticism from teachers and parents. It is very interesting to note that research has
revealed that type of criticism levelled at boys is often different from that applied to girls.
When any child – boy or girl – hears permanent and pervasive statements, those
statements invariably become part of that child’s belief system leading to learned
helplessness and pessimism. When, on the other hand, a child hears condemnations that
are more temporary and specific, he or she will view their problems as being solved or
controllable.
4. Life crises. Research has further shown that the way we handle crises early in life, has a
major effect on how we handle setbacks later on. our well-being, as well as our
achievements, can be radically affected. Parents who are themselves optimistic in outlook
will raise optimistic children.

“There is no doubt in my mind that there are many ways to be a winner, but there is really only one
way to be a loser – that is to fail and not look beyond the failure”

Zig Ziglar: Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

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Learning how to cope with failure

1. Failure is often unavoidable. The truth is that, if we were to know more about them we
would realise that just about every person we have ever met has failed several times in
his or her life.
2. Failure is often misunderstood. They way people fear failure frequently stems from their
school days. We were taught to believe that the pupils with percentages of 80% or higher
would be successful, whereas the ones with 50% or less were heading for failure.
Success was thus determined by a percentage.
3. Be prepared for failure. Because society has become so obsessed with success, we do
not learn how to deal with failure. We need to teach ourselves and our children about
failure, so that we and they can be prepared for it.
4. Failure is a process, not an event. We tend to regard failure as an event.
5. Learn from failure. Nobody likes to lose – unless it is weight! When we fall down, we
should not get up too quickly, but rather learn and think while we are down about why we
failed. People who are optimists regard errors, setbacks, or negative experiences as part
of life. They learn from them, correct their behaviour, and move on.

Peter Drucker:
The better a man is,
The more mistakes he will make,
For the more new things he will try. I would never
Promote a man to a top level job
Who did not make mistakes.

6. Change your mindset regarding failure. As the Rector told my wife, we should regard
failure as the price we pay for progress. We need, therefore, to change our mindset
regarding failure and adopt a more optimistic attitude.
General Jan Smuts: A man is not defeated by his opponents, but by himself.

It is quite evident from the work of Martin Seligman that it is the optimistic person who is able to
bounce back in the face of adversity. Your optimism needs, however, to be more than simply a
frame of mind. It should result in positive action. Adversity creates resilience and maturity, and
opens the door fro new opportunities.

When Seligman, together with many other researchers, advocates optimism, he is not referring to
blind optimism, which is simply a denial of the situation (where one is like an ostrich with its head
buried in the sand), but to flexible optimism where we are able to assess all the realities and
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consider all the circumstances and appropriate factors which may influence a decision. There are
times when we have to adopt the pessimistic person’s sense of reality, rather than persist with a
delusion. Flexible optimism retains a positive approach or thinking style. It is a correct thinking
style which eventually determines who will succeed and who will fail, rather than past experiences,
education, or circumstances.

Optimism and individual success

You can all learn to be more optimistic

1. Do not dwell on adversity or failure. In the face of setbacks or adversity, do not dwell on the
situation. Make a firm decision to tackle the problem and then move on.
The “Stop” Technique
If there are thoughts impressing themselves on your conscious mind that you would like to get
rid of, shout “Stop” loudly. It is interesting to note that immediately after you have done this,
the thought will be gone. After this, you can simply repeat the word in your mind, and each
time it will have the same effect. In the beginning, however, it is a good idea to shout it out
aloud.

2. Take responsibility for failure. As previously mentioned, we all have a response-ability, or as

Frankl suggested we can choose our reaction. Think of a situation where you have
experienced failure. What elements do you need to assume responsibility for? Own them,
accept responsibility for them, learn from them, take positive action, and continue on the road
to success
3. Deliberately choose to have the fight response. If you allow yourself to become a victim of
your past, you will be held hostage by your own emotions of anger and bitterness. Past
experiences can make our lives either richer or poorer. We really do have a choice! If we
choose to dwell on the past, we set ourselves up for pessimistic behaviour.
4. Try to add value to the lives of other people. If you begin putting others first in your life, you
will be better able to over come your own setbacks. There is a well-known tale about an
American who was walking along a beach in Mexico, where thousands of starfish had been
washed up onto the shore. A local inhabitant was busy throwing these back into the sea.
“What are you dong?” asked the American, as he approached the Mexican. “I am throwing the
starfish back into the sea”, the man replied without even looking up. “That won’t make any
difference, my friend”, said the American. “All along this beach are thousands of starfish that
have been washed up, and as far as they eye can see there are thousands more.” “It will
make a difference to this one!” said the Mexican, as he continued throwing the starfish back
into the sea.
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5. Change the three P’s. Once again, the three P’s of pessimism are: permanency,
pervasiveness and personalisation. When we change our mindset, we are able to move away
from learned helplessness and pessimism towards optimism.
 View your setbacks as being temporary rather than permanent: we need to learn that
our setbacks are temporary, and that although they may delay success they need not
last forever!
 Realise that your setbacks are situational and specific – not pervasive. Pessimists see
setbacks as pervasive, affecting their lives as a whole. In order to change this attitude,
we need to realise that setbacks only affect certain areas of our lives.
 Practise objectivity – not personalisation. As we have already observed,
personalisation leads to self-defeating beliefs such as, “I am bad”, “I am a failure”, and
“I am worthless”. When we internalise our failures, we affect our self-esteem. This
self-defeating practice needs to be changed. Internal and external blame referral are
both wrong:
6. Use the ABCDE technique
A = Activating event (adversity)
B = Beliefs (self-defeating)
C = Consequence
D = Dispute, debate, or discard
E = Effective behaviour will energise you

Let me give a typical example of how to practise these principles

A: Your manger calls you in to reprimand you for handing in a late report. He is really
angry
B: “Any chance of a future promotion for me has just been destroyed.”
C: “Right now, I’m feeling very depressed, pessimistic and angry with myself.”
D: “This is nonsense. My work is of a high standard and I am the only one who received a special
incentive this year” (Evidence). “I have merely failed in this one area” (Evidence). “It does not
mean that I am a failure or irresponsible” (Implication). “I have been through a tough time and
have had to write three other reports in addition to this one” (Alternative). “If my flight from
Cape Town had been delayed, I would have had more time to complete the report”
(Alternative). “Worrying about this and dwelling on it will not help me at all” (Usefulness).
E: “I do not feel as embarrassed as I thought I would. I realise that I will need to plan my time
more carefully in future. I can relax and will not allow this incident to ruin my future.”

8. Resilience and renewal. Think of an adversity you have been faced with in your life, and what
you have since learned from it. it may even be a good idea to put it down on paper.
 Page 92 of 104

Resilience, as you have seen, is the ability to bounce back after setbacks.

The sports star, Michael Jordan, wrote, “My advice is: find fuel in failure. At times, failure can
bring you closer to where you want to be … It does not matter whether you win, as long as
you give your all. I can accept failure. Everybody fails at some time or another. What I cannot
accept is not trying!”

7. Persistence: “Code of Persistence”

 I will never give up as long as I know I am on the right track
 I will believe that everything will work out for me if I persist to the end
 I will be courageous and undismayed in the face of adversity
 I will not permit anybody to intimidate or deter me from my goals
 I will fight to overcome all physical handicaps and setbacks
 I will try again and again and yet again to accomplish what I desire
 I will find new faith and resolution in the knowledge that all successful men and
women have had to fight defeat and adversity
 I will never surrender to discouragement or despair, no matter what obstacles I
encounter.

Many of us – especially those of us who are creative – are like balloons. We start out with a high level
of enthusiasm, but then slowly deflate! We are full of air when we start off, but soon lose our focus and
fail to follow through. Emotionally intelligent people can persist, irrespective of their circumstances.
They set goals for their lives and then ensure that they achieve these goals!

Devastating facts regarding the effects of stress

 Heart disease costs South Africa more than R10-million annually.
 40% of contributions to the South African economy (i.e., those aged between 25 and 60) die of
chronic diseases, of which heart disease is by far the greatest.
 Heart failure is the highest cause of death among Whites, Coloured and Asians, and the third
highest among Blacks
 The workplace is the greatest single source of stress
 Stress accounts for 74% to 90% of all visits to a doctor.

Here are some of the warning signals we are likely to receive:

 An increased pulse-rate or heartbeat
 Too much or too little sleep
 Feelings of worthlessness
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 A lump in the throat

 A tight feeling in the chest/chest pains
 Frequent headaches following tension
 Stomach problems e.g., acid stomach
 Cold, clammy hands
 Irritability
 Trembling or dizziness
 Agitation
 Exhaustion
 High blood pressure
 Nausea
 Shortness of breath
 Heartburn
 Urinary problems
 Constipation or diarrhoea
 Sudden bursts of energy

Anonymous: We burn up to three times more energy when we are upset, then when we are relaxed.
So, working three hours with a bad attitude is the equivalent of nine hours with a good attitude!

Reflect on the following:

You can, therefore, reduce your stress by changing our perceptions and thoughts as well as by
bringing about a better balance or harmony between the head and the heart.

Stop worrying
How we worry about things! Leo Buscaglia once said that 90% of the things we worry about never
happen anyway, so why worry? Is this not also what the bible teaches us? “Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your
staff, they comfort me” (Ps 23:4). “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of
love and of self-discipline” (2 Ti 1:7).

Let’s give the “Worry-Stopper” a try right now!

Think of a worrying thought that is nagging you at the present time,

1. Define the worry or concern.

2. What is the worst possible thing that can happen?
3. What is the worst effect that thing could have on me?
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4. How will I deal with it?

5. What precise steps can I take to improve the outcome?

Jourard concluded a long time ago that people who are unable to speak about themselves to others
might not be very healthy psychologically. Talking to a person you trust about your stress can be a
very relieving exercise. It can help you gain a better self-knowledge, in addition to granting you an
opportunity to express your feelings.

It is, therefore, a good idea to speak to a trusted friend about the things that are bothering us. It is a
well recognised truth that the less we open our hearts to others, the more our hearts suffer. Self-
disclosure remains an important stress reliever. Research has proved that people who are unable to
talk about themselves are more prone to heart attacks than others. Consider the common usual South
African scenario, where men are taught to suppress their feelings! Is this perhaps one of the reasons
why me account for such a high percentage of heart attacks?!

You should also bear in mind, however, that being too self-centre can also affect you negatively. Larry
Scherwitz, a psychologist at the university of California, taped the conversations of 600 men, of whom
two thirds were healthy while the other third suffered from heart disease. He listened to these tapes
and found that those who were very self-centred and continually spoke about themselves, using a lot
of “I, me” and “mine” words were more prone to heart problems than the others.

This does not mean that we should refrain from ever speaking about ourselves, but simply that we
need to reach out to other people. The more we do so, the more friends we will have, and the less
chance we will have of remaining self-centre.

We know that the drug Prozac is prescribed for depression. One of the very important components of
Prozac is serotonin. Zajonc and his colleagues discovered that one can produce one’s own serotonin,
simply by smiling! When you smile, the facial muscles contract, decreasing the blood flow to the
nearest blood vessels. The blood cools down and the temperature of the brain stem is lowered. This
triggers the secretion of serotonin. Your very own stress reliever can thus be found in your face – just
a smile away! If we keep a smile of our faces, you will release a large amount of stress-relieving
serotonin!

Anonymous: it takes nineteen muscles to smile, sixty-four muscles to frown.

It is obvious that flooding ourselves with positive emotions has a very healthy effect on the body.
Appreciation, which is a blend of thankfulness, gratitude and admiration, will result in the secretion of
 Page 95 of 104

bio-chemicals which lower stress. Find something to appreciate when things are not going the way
you would like them to. Count all your blessings – for example your beautiful home, your children, the
lovely flowers in your garden. If we nurture the emotions that accompany these blessings, our bodies
will secrete positive hormones, which will have a great stress-relieving effect on our bodies.

You can achieve the same results by caring for others, and being compassionate, sincere and
forgiving. The Bible also talks about caring for ourselves, when we are told to love ourselves: “Love
your neighbour as you love yourself.” Research has shown that positive emotions sustained for a
period of five minutes, can have a positive after-effect on our bodies for up to six hours.

Focused meditation
1. Close your eyes (10 seconds)
2. Focus on your breathing while inhaling and exhaling (30 seconds)
3. Remain focused on your breathing, without trying to alter it (15 seconds)
4. Your breathing rate may change in terms of speed, depth or rhythm. Don’t try to control
this. Simply observe the changes (1 minute)
5. If your mind drifts away, bring it back and focus again on your breathing (20 to 30
seconds)
6. Open your eyes and turn your attention to the things around you.

Zig Ziglar: When you turn to God, you discover he has been facing you all the time.

Anonymous: What we are, is God’s gift to us. What we become, is our gift to God.

Zig Ziglar: The ladder of success works like any ladder. Very few have climbed it with their hands in
their pockets

Ralph Emerson: Nothing great will ever be achieved without enthusiasm

Why do we fail to achieve?

There are many reasons why we remain non-achievers. Here are some of them:
1. The lack of a burning desire
2. Failing to set clear, specific goals
3. Not writing them down
4. Not establishing a plan to achieve them
5. Failing to act on them
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6. Setting unrealistic goals

7. Becoming impatient

M Scott Peck: A life of wisdom must be a life of contemplation, combined with action.

Sit quietly for a few minutes and think about the person you would like to be – what you want to
achieve in your life and work. a good way to do this is to think about the kind of sentiments you would
like to have spoken about you in the eulogy given one day at your funeral.

Begin with:
Stop with:
Less of:
Continue with:
More of:

Remember: the mastering of a new skill takes repetition and practice! The more one practises and
utilises repetition, the stronger the brain circuitry becomes, and the quicker and easier it becomes for
one to perform a new behaviour or skill

Our subconscious is the soil of the garden, and our conscious the gardener. Whatever the gardener
plants will grow in the soil. For each goal you set, create a few affirmations and then programme these
into your subconscious mind.

Zig Ziglar: Sitting still and wishing makes no person great. The good Lord sent the fishing, but you
must dig the bait.

Children live what they learn

If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn
If a child lives with hostility
He learns violence
If a child lives with ridicule
He learns to be shy
If a child lives with shame
He learns to feel guilty
If a child lives with encouragement
He learns confidence
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If a child lives with praise

He learns to appreciate
If a child lives with fairness
He learns justice
If a child lives with security
He learns faith
If a child lives with approval
He learns to like himself
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship
He learns to love the world

Zig Ziglar, one of American’s top motivators, makes the following statement in his book, What I
learned on the way to the top (which incidentally, I highly recommend to anyone, particularly
Christians): “For a child, love is spelt T I M E!”

Bill Glass who has conducted thousands of face-to-face interviews with prisoners in the USA over the
past 30 years, says that 90% of them had been told by their parents: “One day you will end up in jail!”
People become what they are told they will become self-fulfilling prophecy. A wise man once said that
we should force ourselves to say at least eight positive things to our children each day, before we
allow ourselves to speak a single critical statement.

John P Kotter: Without credible communication, and a lot of it, the hearts and minds of others are
never captured.

Zig Ziglar: Happiness is like a kiss. In order to get anything out of it, you have to give it to someone
else.

In closing, let me tell you the story of a wise old man who once lived in Greece:
There were two youngsters who wanted to prove to the people that the wise old man who lived in their
village was not really as wise as everybody thought. They decide to catch a butterfly and then ask the
old man what they had in their hands. If the old said, “A dead butterfly”, they would open their hands
and set the butterfly free. If he said, “A live butterfly”, they would quickly crush it dead.
So they approached the old man and asked: “What do we have in our hands?” Seeing the butterfly’s
wings sticking out, the old man replied, “A butterfly.” “That was not a difficult question”, said the
youngsters. “The difficult question is: is the butterfly alive or dead?” “Just like the butterfly”, the wise
old man replied, “The answer to that questions lies in your hands!”
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Most of us do not welcome change. Nevertheless, the power to do so is at your disposal. It is all up to
you. What you would like to do with the knowledge you have acquired, is in your own hands. Your
butterfly can be dead or alive.

6. EQ for Development
1. Self-Regard
 Build confidence by recognizing successful efforts and independent achievements
 Make sure achievements are properly celebrated and rewarded
 Train to improve skills and increase self-regarded by increasing capabilities
 Set goals that are challenging yet readily obtainable
 Be aware of, but do not over focus on, weaknesses
 Pinpoint areas of relative strength and try to capitalize fully on these areas

2. Emotional Self-Awareness
 Use appropriate opportunities to share and discuss attitude as well as ideas and plans
 Increase interpersonal/social interactions to learn about one’s own thoughts and feelings
and those of others
 Try and determine those things (both positive and negative) that inspire the strongest feelings and
greatest motivation
 Attempt to channel these strong feelings and convictions into worthwhile pursuits and profitable
activities
 Emphasize the conscious monitoring of emotional attitudes during interaction

3. Assertiveness
 Learn to recognize when others are making unreasonable demands.
 Reduce barriers to “up-front” communication by making circumstances less threading
 Some people have trouble being assertive in face-to-face discourse; written or electronic
communications methods may be viable alternatives
 Increase confidence (key to assertiveness) by recognizing and rewarding well-presented thoughts
and ideas
 If the problem with being assertive is due to a personality style, assertiveness training may be
needed
 If the problem with being assertive is due to a personally style, assertiveness training by be
needed
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 Practice appropriate assertiveness in non-threading situations with non-threading persons (e.g.

with friends); get informal feedback; apply this information and experience to others situations and
persons.

4. Independence
 Build confidence in independent problem resolutions through the involvement in simpler,
manageable tasks
 Break down activities into smaller parts; it may be that help is only necessary with one small
aspect of the task rather than with the entire task
 Match skills to activities tasks more carefully so that independent work is possible
 Increase skills through training so activities tasks can be managed independently
 Build confidence by recognizing successful efforts and independent achievements

5. Self-Actualization
 Set goals that are challenging yet clearly attainable; goals should be objective and, preferably,
measurable
 Examine career/life plans and aspirations in terms of current position
 Train to improve skills and move closer to achieving full potential
 Clearly identify those things to perceived as enjoyable and interesting; Set fixed times during the
week (or month, or year) to pursue these activities
 Personalize goals and aspirations regularly to determine ways to be better; set intermediary goals
to facilitate reaching longer term goals

6 Empathy
 Make clear the duties and demands on others; understanding others is key step to appropriate
empathy
 Train to refine observational skill to attend to facial expressions and body language; these cues
are often just as important as what is being said
 Train to be “inquiring” in interaction; to be sure that a message has been correctly interpreted, it is
important for the recipient of the message to ask about the thoughts and feelings being conveyed
 The key point is to “put oneself in the other person’s shoes”; Job exchange, job shadowing, or
even role-playing can be useful in better understanding others
 Improve listening skills
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7. Social Responsibility
 Create/Refine goals to emphasize group/company performance
 Use follow-up inquiries as means to assess benefits and consequences of actions on others
 Increase opportunities for interactions with others to cultivate a feeling of “society”
 Improve the understanding of the roles and activities of others
 Increase involvement in the roles and activities of others
 Consider increased involvement with charities and/or community functions

8 Interpersonal Relationship
 Allow time for unhurried interactions with others
 Use feedback to reflect on issues involving interpersonal situations
 Use a three-step strategy in interaction: clarify the facts and feelings, restate and check
interpretation, summarize
 When there is a miscommunication, the result can be bad feelings, unfinished work, frustration,
etc.; Reanalyze the communication, prepare an action plan, and search for mutually acceptable
compromises
 Establish better modes of communication
 Improve listening skills

9. Stress Tolerance
 Improve time management skills
 Ensure that activities/work are clearly and properly prioritized
 Decrease demands/commitments
 Properly balance work/life demands with rest and relaxation
 Divide large tasks into manageable chunks
 Take appropriate breaks/vacations
 If possible, delegate, defer, or get assistance with some demands

10. Impulse Control

 Formal documentation of the pros and cons of alternative actions will help avoid rash decisions
 Whenever possible, use a multi-step strategy: proposed solution, verification of solution (e.g.,
quality assurance, pilot testing, second opinions), and only then implementation
 When anger control is an issue, anger management training is recommended
 Establish or enforce protocols that require methodical procedures prior to undertaking key actions
 Documents situations where impulse control was poor, and plan specific strategies to improve
behaviour patterns in similar situations that arise in the future
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11. Reality Testing

 Make sure goals are concrete and attainable
 Increase focus on practical actions; ideals are desirable bur sometimes not feasible
 Ensure that observations/opinions are verified with alternative sources of information and by
asking others
 The inability to stay focussed on the situations at hand is sometimes related to attention deficits or
concentration lapses; if so consider increased novelty in activities/assignment to improve
attention, or use breaks more effectively to improve focus when “on tasks”

12. Flexibility
 Emphasizes activities/tasks that require reliability and consistency
 Ensure there is sufficient preparation time to help mitigate the impact of significant change
 Brainstorm, preferable in a group context, to harvest ideas for handling dynamic, changing
demands
 Be sure adequate training is received to prepare for new activities and roles; Use change as an
opportunity to learn and develop
 Consider how past experiences and skills are applicable to new challenges

13. Problem Solving

 Create opportunities to interact wit, and observe, good problem solvers
 Use brainstorming sessions
 For important decisions, implement formal lists of alternative actions making clear the pros and
cons of each action
 Train in the proper applications of cost-benefit style analysis
 Use feedback to refine problem resolution techniques

14. Optimism
 Minimize negative thoughts related to trivial or temporary problems
 Adjust goals sol that they are more attainable
 When long-term seem difficult, set short-term intermediary goals to serve as guideposts of
progress
 Be solution-focussed rather that problem-driven
 Use positive feedback for goal attainment and constructive and supportive feedback when goals
are not successful met
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 If appropriate, increase empowerment to avoid the pessimism that often results when people feel
helpless to change the status quo; this feeling is often overcome if one’s own judgement can be
used the change circumstances

15. Happiness
 Make sure achievements are properly celebrated and rewarded
 Examine career/life plans inspirations in terms of current activities and position
 Properly balanced work/life demands with rest and relaxation
 Promote increased activity level and improved health, if appropriate
 Clearly identify those things perceived as enjoyable and interesting; set fixed times during the
week (or month or year) to pursue these activities
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COME, COMPLETE THE ASSESSMENTS AND JOIN THE RANKS AND LET THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE BE THE BEST PART OF YOUR LIFE

1 Trustworthy Character Selfishness, me Love for God, people,

Including Ability, Believable, symptoms giving
Connected and Dependable

2 Deeply Connected Wounded/Hurt Appreciated/Love

Including Significance

3 Emotionally Discouraged/Down Encouraged/Up

4 Financially Crises Debt- free

5 Geographically Distant/Alone Near/Together

6 Internally Hopeless/Sad Hopeful/Happy

7 Mentally Bored/Discontent Challenged/Content

8 Personally Insecure/Unsure Secure/Confident

9 Physically Exhausted/Tired Energetic/Strong

10 Relationally Alienated/Cold Close/Warm

11 Secretly Bitter/Angry Forgiving/Accepting

12 Spiritually Depleted/Empty Growing/Full

Including Purpose, Meaning

Source: Dr Bruce H Wilkinson

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Notes

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 1

MY EQDesign
MY EQ DESIGN
Copyright Reserved: Dr Mario Denton

Name……………………………………………………………….
Date………………………………….

BIOGRAPHICAL INFORMATION SHEET

1. Age 2. Gender
< 20
1 21-30 1 Female
1 21-30
2 31-40 2 Male
2 31-40
3
3 41-50 41-50
4
4 51-60+51-60+

1 – Very seldom or Not true of me 2 – Seldom true of me

3 – Sometimes true of me 4 – Often true of me
5 – Very often true of me or True of me Almost always

SECTION 1
1. I am happy with my strengths. 1 2 3 4 5
2. I do have feelings of insecurity. 1 2 3 4 5
3. I feel confident about my abilities. 1 2 3 4 5
4. It is not difficult for me to win the trust of others. 1 2 3 4 5
5. I feel good about myself. 1 2 3 4 5
6. I have a clear inner mission concerning my contribution to this world. 1 2 3 4 5
7. I feel uncertain. 1 2 3 4 5
8. I am proud of who I am. 1 2 3 4 5
9 I do not know what my real value (unique significance) is. 1 2 3 4 5
10 I observe compliments with suspicion. 1 2 3 4 5
11 I do not feel I have any contribution to make. 1 2 3 4 5
12 I do not understand the significance of this specific phase of my life. 1 2 3 4 5
13 I do not trust someone giving me compliments. 1 2 3 4 5
14 It is very difficult for me to discern my gifts/talents. 1 2 3 4 5
15 I struggle with immaturity. 1 2 3 4 5
16 I do not feel supported. 1 2 3 4 5
17 I do not know if I have got what it takes. 1 2 3 4 5
18 I have a longing for more meaning in life. 1 2 3 4 5
 2

19 My life is meaningful and I know what gives life to that meaning. 1 2 3 4 5

20 I know exactly what am I really passionate about. 1 2 3 4 5
21 I know what makes me come alive. 1 2 3 4 5
22 I am satisfied with the direction my life is taking. 1 2 3 4 5
23 I have a clear picture of where I want to go. 1 2 3 4 5
24 I am pursuing my dreams and passions in meaningful ways. 1 2 3 4 5
25 I do not know where I belong/fit. 1 2 3 4 5
26 I do not have a clear purpose /calling in life. 1 2 3 4 5
27 I do not have a clear set of values that I live by. 1 2 3 4 5
28 I am uncertain which choices to make. 1 2 3 4 5
29 I sometimes become aggressively defensive. 1 2 3 4 5
30 I do not know how I am; I have identity confusion. 1 2 3 4 5

SECTION 2
34 This season of my life right now is packed with fun, growth and 1 2 3 4 5
fulfilment.
35 I am not bored right now. 1 2 3 4 5
36 I am fully aware of my deepest inner drives and motivations. 1 2 3 4 5
37 I know what is most important to me and I live according to my 1 2 3 4 5
priorities.
38 The words joy and balance consistently describe my life. 1 2 3 4 5
39 I feel emotional connected to other people in the workplace 1 2 3 4 5
40 I enjoy ongoing emotional and even deep closeness 1 2 3 4 5
41 I never tell lies 1 2 3 4 5
42 it’s hard to act independently and with accountability 1 2 3 4 5
43 I am able to figure out the reasons behind different emotions 1 2 3 4 5
44 I can be impulsive. 1 2 3 4 5
45 It’s hard to understand why others feel the way they do. 1 2 3 4 5
46 I examine the feelings, thoughts, and actions of others. 1 2 3 4 5
47 I appreciate other people’s feelings and emotions. 1 2 3 4 5
48 I take my “emotional temperature” before I make important 1 2 3 4 5
decisions.
49 I am committed to keeping my relationships fresh and alive. 1 2 3 4 5
50 I find being assertive challenging. 1 2 3 4 5
51 I give praise or compliments with ease. 1 2 3 4 5
52 When I am annoyed I express it without difficulty. 1 2 3 4 5
53 I do not have a problem with making requests. 1 2 3 4 5
54 I start conversations with ease. 1 2 3 4 5
55 I do not have a problem showing that I am hurt. 1 2 3 4 5
56 I do not hesitate to raise my opinion at the appropriate time. 1 2 3 4 5
57 I generally stand up for my rights when the need arises. 1 2 3 4 5
58 I am able to persuade people to work with me. 1 2 3 4 5
59 I have an efficient information system. 1 2 3 4 5
 3

60 I behave in a way which enables others to trust me. 1 2 3 4 5

SECTION 3
61 I am skilled in presenting ideas and proposals. 1 2 3 4 5
62 I adopt a ‘tell it like it is’ style. 1 2 3 4 5
63 I have difficulty expressing affirmation. 1 2 3 4 5
64 I tend to worry about whether things will go wrong. 1 2 3 4 5
65 Setbacks often cause me to feel incompetent. 1 2 3 4 5
66 I often focus on the potential for failure when thinking about the 1 2 3 4 5
future.
67 When something goes wrong, my first reaction is often to exaggerate 1 2 3 4 5
how bad it is.
68 When people give me feedback, which is both positive and 1 2 3 4 5
negative, I tend to overlook the positive experience it as
negative.
69 When things are going badly, I begin to think that something is wrong 1 2 3 4 5
with me.
70 I inspire people with my optimistic views. 1 2 3 4 5
71 I am a rather determined person. 1 2 3 4 5
72 I feel mentally fit. 1 2 3 4 5
73 I wish my life had been significantly different. 1 2 3 4 5
74 Ii would like to change basic aspects of the way I live my life. 1 2 3 4 5
75 I lack deep emotional satisfaction. 1 2 3 4 5
76 I greatly enjoy what I do. 1 2 3 4 5
77 I seem to get the short end of the stick. 1 2 3 4 5
78 I have been continually frustrated in my life because of bad breaks. 1 2 3 4 5
79 I find myself going along with a situation even if I don’t believe in it. 1 2 3 4 5
80 When I am under stress I become impulsive. 1 2 3 4 5
81 There is no one with whom I can share my innermost thoughts. 1 2 3 4 5
82 I do not seem to break out of the rut that I am in. 1 2 3 4 5
83 I cope well with all pressures. 1 2 3 4 5
84 My anger tends to be explosive. 1 2 3 4 5
85 I am a demanding person. 1 2 3 4 5
86 I avoid confrontations. 1 2 3 4 5
87 I genuinely care about another human being. 1 2 3 4 5
88 I wish to communicate fully with another person, but is not possible. 1 2 3 4 5
89 I feel a strong sense of loneliness. 1 2 3 4 5
90 I genuinely display real empathy. 1 2 3 4 5

SECTION 4
91 I am able to express satisfaction to others. 1 2 3 4 5
92 I feel that I have an abundant source of inner strength. 1 2 3 4 5
93 I express how I feel with love when someone upsets me. 1 2 3 4 5
94 I am not sure if people really accept (love) me. 1 2 3 4 5
 4

95 I probably deserve nothing. 1 2 3 4 5

96 I support the underdog. 1 2 3 4 5
97 I struggle to identify my real deepest feelings. 1 2 3 4 5
98 I struggle to manage my emotions. 1 2 3 4 5
99 I am pestered by huge bouts of shame and fear. 1 2 3 4 5
100 I have a negative approach to most things in life. 1 2 3 4 5
101 I am not confident to correctly interact with others emotionally. 1 2 3 4 5
102 I sometimes feel emotionally threatened by others. 1 2 3 4 5
103 I have done things that are against my beliefs.
104 I effectively deal with things that annoy me. 1 2 3 4 5
105 I engage in activities that make me feel positive. 1 2 3 4 5
106 I demonstrate positive moods and emotions. 1 2 3 4 5
107 I handle stress situations effectively. 1 2 3 4 5
108 I explore the causes of things that upset me. 1 2 3 4 5
109 I feel emotionally well. 1 2 3 4 5
110 My work is stimulating. 1 2 3 4 5
111 I am proud of what I do and enjoy telling people about it. 1 2 3 4 5
112 I am performing at my peak. 1 2 3 4 5
113 I have clear, well defined personal goals. 1 2 3 4 5
114 I always tell the truth even when it is difficult. 1 2 3 4 5
115 I am deeply satisfied with my life. 1 2 3 4 5

SECTION 5
116 I have feelings of inner peace and well-being. 1 2 3 4 5
117 I feel energetic. 1 2 3 4 5
118 I like myself just the way I am. 1 2 3 4 5
119 I feel in control of my life. 1 2 3 4 5
120 My life needs my deepest needs. 1 2 3 4 5
121 There are some people i’ve never forgiven. 1 2 3 4 5
122 I have been continually frustrated in my life. 1 2 3 4 5
123 I can be impulsive. 1 2 3 4 5
124 I behave inappropriately when angry. 1 2 3 4 5
125 I hold back my initial reaction when something upsets me. 1 2 3 4 5
126 Faced with conflicts, I find constructive solutions. 1 2 3 4 5
127 I exercise patience in making decisions. 1 2 3 4 5
128 I tend to explode with anger easily. 1 2 3 4 5
129 I change my priorities to accommodate unexpected events. 1 2 3 4 5
130 I always tell the truth even when it is difficult.
131 I effectively deal with things that annoy me. 1 2 3 4 5
132 I provide positive feedback. 1 2 3 4 5
133 I effectively express optimism. 1 2 3 4 5
134 I focus on facts related to the problems when trying to derive a 1 2 3 4 5
solution.
135 I deal with frustrations effectively. 1 2 3 4 5
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136 I demonstrate to others that I have considered their feelings in 1 2 3 4 5

making decisions.
137 Where necessary I effectively demonstrate empathy. 1 2 3 4 5
138 I easily solve problems. 1 2 3 4 5
139 I help people with effective ways of responding to upsetting events. 1 2 3 4 5
140 I have completed this assessment with utmost integrity. 1 2 3 4 5

SECTION 6
After reading each statement, decide on the degree to which the statement accurately describes you right
now using the following guidelines:
1. Decide if you tend to be more to the left or to the right.
2. If you tend to be more to the left, then decide if it is completely to the left (a I0 rating), mostly
to the left, or slightly to the left
3. Apply the same guideline if you tend more towards the right: completely to the right (a 1 rating),
mostly to the right or slightly to the right

Item Item
141 Physically 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Physically
Energetic/Strong Exhausted/Tired
142 Emotionally 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Emotionally
Encouraged/Up Discouraged/Down
143 Mentally 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Mentally
Challenged/Content Bored/Discontent
144 Spiritually 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Spiritually
Growing/Full Depleted/Empty
145 Geographically 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Geographically
Near/Together Distant/Alone
146 Relationally 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Relationally
Close/Warm Alienated/Cold
147 Internally 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Internally
Hopeful/Happy Hopeless/Sad
148 Personally 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Personally
Secure/Confident Insecure/Unsure
149 Secretly 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Secretly Bitter/Angry
Forgiving/Accepting
150 Deeply 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Deeply
Appreciated/Love Wounded/Hurt

Notes
 6

SECTION 7

Four words or phrases appear in each of the following sixteen rows. Choose one
word or phrase per row that best represents your thoughts and feelings about
how you are feeling during the past 12 months.

151 Discouraging Exciting Satisfying Uncertain

152 Hopeless Happy Peaceful Confusing
153 Empty Hopeful Committed Stressful
154 Harsh Nurturing Secure Frustrating
155 Resentful Open Trusting Tired
156 Destructive Fresh Relaxed Distant
157 Rejection Anticipation Appreciation Apprehension
158 Tension Sharing Honest Drifting
159 Give up Making plans Teamwork Apathetic
160 Critical Caring Connected Concerned
161 Angry Joyful Understanding Burned out
162 Disappointed Optimistic Comfortable Neglectful
163 Untrusting Tender Supportive Afraid
164 Withdrawn Growing Attached Detached
165 Cold Alive Content Prideful
166 Unforgiving Willing to change Overlook flaws Growing apart

DR MARIO DENTON
(MEcon, MBA, PhD)
Industrial Psychologist
Dr Denton is the study leader and coach of 160 MBA research projects so far, published 8 books and
published various articles and delivering papers at 32 conferences worldwide. He is an international
teacher, industrial psychologist, two counselling diplomas, two master’s degrees and a PHD.
He teaches people management, leadership, emotional and spiritual intelligence, and organisational
behaviour and change management and has done this in Tanzania, France, Belgium, Denmark,
Germany, Austria, and Switzerland. He also runs his own business consulting called Strong Message.
He is an optimist who possesses a passion for people and tutoring and a real love for life.
He has devoted his career so far to people management and facilitating complex and perpetual change.
Mario uses his strong academic, corporate background and his uniquely effective coaching to help people
tap into their inner being to utilise their strengths and expand their skills and to make a difference in the
workplace.

STRONGMESSAGE CONSULTANTS
The Crest Estate Office Park, 154 Goedemoed Street, Graanendal, Durbanville 7550
082 882 9903 / marden@mweb.co.za (Dr Mario Denton)
021 979 3198 / thestrongmessage@gmail.com (Lynette)
www.thestrongmessage.com