…this book is mine, to make someone laugh!  Book Title: 99 Ways to Make People Laugh! First Edition, 2012 ISBN: 978-9966-123-18-3 Copyright © 2012, Ojijo. All rights reserved. This work is copyrighted by the author. No parts of this publication maybe reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, without permission of the publisher. ojijobooks.com Tirupati Mazima Mall, Nsambya, Ggaba-Road, Plot 2530, P. O. Box 34416. Kampala, Uganda. Tel: +256 41 4696004/31 251 7908 Email: info@ojijobooks.com Website: www.ojijobooks.com (256) 0776 1000 59 * (256) 0701 1000 59 * (256) 772 864 893 .  Ojijo’s 47 Books Financial Literacy Books Sell Something-5 Steps to Entrepreneurship (Bible for Entrepreneurs, Entrepreneurship Trainers, and Business Coaches) Successful Saccos - Managers' Guide to Acquire, Retain and Grow Membership, Savings and Assets Making Money Together: Ojijo’s Investment Club Manual Making My Child Financially Intelligent: Money Lessons by Age Group (from 3-13yrs) Invest: Ojijo’s Guide to Financial Instruments & Alternative Investment Products Retire Happy: 21 Questions to Plan My Retirement What Can I Sell? 101 Business Ideas for Youth in Africa I Am A Network Marketer - Ojijo's Network Marketing Guide Personal Branding Books Stupid Writers: Ojijo’s Guide to Writing Articles, Reports, Plans, Profiles & Proposals Talanta: Ojijo’s Guide to Identifying, Developing & Selling My Talent This Is How To Treat A Man (Fathers, Husbands, Lovers, Sons, Brothers) Soft Sweet Words: Romantic Whispers to My Woman Cause Action: Ojijo’s Public Speaking Handbook The Gift of E11even Moves to Make Me Wealthy Seventy-7 Moves of a Sexy Woman Self Discipline - What, Why & How 99 Ways to Make People Laugh Law Books Business Transactions & Contracts Law Handbook Family Law Handbook Intellectual Property Law Handbook Alternative Dispute Resolution Law Handbook Real Estate Law Handbook Civil Litigation Law Handbook Energy Law Handbook Labour Relations Law Handbook Administrative Law Handbook Environmental Law Handbook Criminal Litigation Law Handbook Ojijo’s Financial Services Law Rich Lawyers, Poor Lawyers : Law Firm Management Handbook African Jurisprudence, Luo Jurisprudence: Theories, Institutions and Procedures of Law and Justice (Introduction to Law) Legal Rhetoric: Ojijo’s Guide to Legal Writing, Legal Arguments & Legal Interpretation Policy & Legal Issues in E-Commerce & E-Governance (ICT Law) Politics and Religion Why Did Hitler Kill The Jews? Politics of Poverty: The Odinga Curse to the Luos Open Religion: My Religion is the Best Religion Garveyism: The Philosophy of Marcus Garvey 100 Upright Men: World’s Greatest Revolutionary Politicians The Mungiki: Terrorists, Victims, Saints: Three Sides of the Same Coin! This Is How To Manipulate Voters: Ojijo's Guide for Campaign Managers, Politicians and Aspiring Politicians! Other Books Fireplace Stories: Ojijo’s Performance Poems The Half Story of My Life: Follow Your Heart, Live Your Dream I Speak Luo: Conversational Phrases of Luo Language The Luo Nation: History & Culture of Joluo (The Luo People Of Kenya) Luo Traditional Medicine : Curative and Preventive Plant, Animal and Mineral Extracts Tuongee Kiswahili: A Conversational Phrasebook With Audio CDs Eat Rich, Keep Fit-Foods & Exercises for Healthy Living   99 Ways to Make People Laugh All of us can make people laugh, everybody has a sense of humour, but not all of us can make people laugh, WHEN WE WANT. The greatest skill I have naturally, and which I can develop to improve my relations with others, is the ability to make people laugh, when I want. Everybody loves someone who can make them laugh. Being able to do so will help my career, my friendships, my family relations and my business dealings. A sense of humor can be developed. However, few people bother trying to improve their sense of humour. This book teaches me how to improve my sense of humour; how to make people laugh, when I want!  …table of Laughter! WHAT IS LAUGHTER? 3 What Is Laughter? 4 Laugher is not Humour! 11 Why People Laugh? 15 Why Some People Do Not Laugh! 26 BENEFITS OF LAUGHTER 28 Social Benefits of Laugher 29 Health Benefits of Laugher 35 Psychological Benefits of Laughter 43 HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH! 51 General Rules to Make People Laugh! 52 How to Make My Friends Laugh 67 How to Make Children Laugh! 73 How to Make a Girl Laugh! 76 How to Make an Audience Laugh 88 99 JOKES 103 99 One Liners 104 99 Funny Trick Questions 109 99 Riddles 120 99 Marriage, Family & Relationships Jokes 129 99 Funny Pick Up Lines! 143 99 Ways To Turn Men Down 171 99 Pastor/Church Jokes 176 99 Dirty Jokes 207 99 Lawyer Jokes 219 99 Doctor Jokes 239 99 Public Speakers’ Jokes 253 99 Yo Mama Jokes 263 99 Silly Questions 269 99 ‘Stupid’ Statements! 277 99 Random Facts 284 99 Crazy Things God Did 291 99 Ways to Understand Female Logic 299  WHAT IS LAUGHTER? ‘If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.’ -Martin Luther, the German priest and professor of theology who initiated the Protestant Reformation.  What Is Laughter? Laughter is Universal Human Vocabulary Laughter is part of the universal human vocabulary. All members of the human species understand it. Unlike English or French or Swahili or any other language, we do not have to learn to speak it. ‘we are born with the capacity to laugh.’ Laughter has no accent- it is the same across all cultures and societies. Despite the existence of more than a thousand different languages, laughter sounds similar everywhere around the world.  It even exists in babies who are blind and deaf. Indeed, Joseph Addison was right, ‘Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter. ‘ Whether it is the giggling of my child or the enthusiastic hollers of a talk show's studio audience, we hear laughter every day. Nothing could be more common. Contrary to common belief, most laughter did not occur in response to humorous situations or jokes.  About 85% of laughter occurs to show support, friendliness, or relieve stress.  People laugh thirty times more often when they are with others compared to when they are alone.  Laughter Changes Us When we laugh, we alter our facial expressions and make sounds. During exuberant laughter, the muscles of the arms, legs and trunk are involved. Laughter also modifies our pattern of breathing. Indeed, ‘everything in life depends on laughter’. If I have not laughed today, I have not lived today. I will laugh hard and loud. As William James said: "we don't laugh because we are happy, we are happy because we laugh." Laughter is a Message Laughter is also a message that we send to other people. We know this because we rarely laugh when we are alone (we laugh to ourselves even less than we talk to ourselves). The first laughter appears at about 3.5 to 4 months of age, long before ‘we are able to speak’. Laughter, like crying, is a way for a preverbal infant to interact with the mother and other caregivers. We do not decide to laugh at these moments. Our brain makes the decision for us. These curious ‘ha ha ha’s’ are bits of social glue that bond relationships, and communicate our feelings. Laughter Is Associated With Play! When we laugh, we are often communicating playful intent. So laughter has a bonding function within individuals in a group. It is often positive, but it can be negative too. There is a difference between ‘laughing with’ and ‘laughing at.’ People who laugh at others may be trying to force them to conform or casting them out of the group. Adults laugh less than children, probably because they play less. And laughter is associated with play. Children laugh more, indeed, Babies laugh long before they develop the ability to speak. We have learned a lot about when and why we laugh, much of it counter-intuitive. Work now underway will tell us more about the brain mechanisms of laughter, how laughter has evolved and why we are so susceptible to tickling — one of the most enigmatic of human behaviors. Best of all, this priceless medicine is fun, free, and easy to use. Lord Byron said, ‘Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.’ laughter is not dependent on sight or sound Laughter is not dependent on sight or sound, those born deaf and blind know how to laugh instinctively. laughter has cultural overlays Laughter has cultural overlays. Something funny in the USA may be perplexing in Africa, or China, for example. I will keep this in mind, and try to find universally shared funny stories, or find culture relevant humour. This is the wisdom of knowing my audience before I seek to make them laugh. laughter is infectious, social and contagious! Laughter is very contagious (‘we are about 30 times more likely to laugh in the presence of others), and in a social context, it is easy to start laughing when others are laughing. It not only lifts our spirits but also of others around us. Humorous person are always in demand. A single humorous person lifts the spirit of everyone around him/her. Blessed are those who have such friends. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any cough, sniffle, or sneeze. When laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. In addition to the domino effect of joy and amusement, laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body. Laughter is social and contagious. We laugh at the sound of laughter itself. Laughter is social; it is not a solo activity. People laugh thirty times more often when they are with others compared to when they are alone. Why does hearing other people laugh make us more likely to laugh ourselves? Humans have a ‘detector’ that responds to laughter by triggering other neural circuits in the brain, which, in turn, generates more laughter. This explains why laughter is contagious. This is why others will laugh when they hear laughter.  This is why laugh tracks became so popular on television shows. The cynical answer is that sitcoms are so witless and unfunny that we need to be told where the jokes are. But this misses the point. In some cases, laughter can in fact become literally contagious. History is dotted with accounts of laughter epidemics. In 1962, in the African country that is now Tanzania; three school girls began to laugh uncontrollably. Within a few months, about 2/3 of the school's students had the symptoms, and the school closed. The contagion spread, and eventually affected about a thousand people in Tanzania and neighboring Uganda. There were no long-lasting effects, but it shows how responsive people can be to seeing another person laugh. Seeing someone in hysterics -- even if I do not know who the person is or why she's laughing -- can set me laughing too. Why?  everyone's laughter is unique Our personal laugh is a true social language art that deserves practicing and improving just as we have to practice talking and public speaking. Developing a good laugh can provide me with a valuable tool for improving my flirting, dating and all other relationships. More than anything else on a first date, women want men to make them laugh. Laughter can be of the ‘ha-ha-ha’ variety or the ‘ho-ho-ho’ type or a mixture of both. The important thing is to make people laugh, and to laugh along. laughter is innate, natural, not learned! It is instinctual. Infants laugh almost from birth. In fact, people who are born blind and deaf still laugh. So we know it is not a learned behavior. Humans are hardwired for laughter. Laughter is my birthright, a natural part of life that is innate and inborn. Infants begin smiling during the first weeks of life and laugh out loud within months of being born. Even if I did not grow up in a household where laughter was a common sound, I can learn to laugh at any stage of life. We use 17 different muscles to smile and 43 different muscles to frown, so it is easier to smile than frown. laughter is unconscious, we cannot control it! One of the remarkable things about laughter is that it occurs unconsciously. I do not decide to do it. While we can consciously inhibit it, we do not consciously produce laughter. We do not decide to laugh at these moments. Our brain makes the decision for us. That is why it is very hard to laugh on command or to fake laughter. Laughter provides powerful, uncensored insights into our unconscious. It simply bubbles up from within us in certain situations. When we laugh, we alter our facial expressions and make sounds. During exuberant laughter, the muscles of the arms, legs and trunk are involved. Laughter also requires modification in our pattern of breathing. The first laughter appears at about 3.5 to 4 months of age, long before we are able to speak. Laughter is not under our conscious control. We do not choose to laugh in the same way that we choose to speak. Laughter cannot always be tamed. Is there anything better than a contagious giggle that I absolutely cannot control? (Ok, maybe not so good in school or church.) laughter affects the brain Certain parts of the brain are responsible for certain human functions. For example, emotional responses are the function of the brain's largest region, the frontal lobe. The physiological study of laughter has its own name -- gelotology. The production of laughter is involved with various regions of the brain. The left side of the cortex (the layer of cells that covers the entire surface of the forebrain) analyzed the words and structure of the joke. The brain's large frontal lobe, which is involved in social emotional responses, became very active. The right hemisphere of the cortex carries out the intellectual analysis required to ‘get’ the joke. Brainwave activity then spreads to the sensory processing area of the occipital lobe (the area on the back of the head that contains the cells that process visual signals). Stimulation of the motor sections evoked physical responses to the joke. This is different from what happens with emotional responses. Emotional responses appear to be confined to specific areas of the brain, while laughter seems to be produced via a circuit that runs through many regions of the brain. (This means that damage to any of these regions can impair one's sense of humor and response to humor, experts say.) So people who do not respond to homour have a damaged brain. why i cannot tickle myself? I cannot tickle myself to laughter-- not even in the same area and the same way someone else tickles me into hysteria! Apparently, for tickling to work, the brain needs tension and surprise -- something that is obviously missing when I tickle myself. How the brain uses this information about tension and surprise is still a mystery.  Laugher is not Humour! ‘what is humor?’ First, humor is the experience of incongruity. In one's environment the incongruity may be experienced when someone falls down in a situation when they are not expected to fall down, or the incongruity can be between concepts, thoughts, or ideas often illustrated by the punch line of a joke or the caption of a cartoon. Second, as James Thurber has stated, ‘Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.’ We commonly say, ‘It wasn't funny at the time.’ Later with distance we can appreciate the humor. This occurs frequently when people are experiencing a crisis, and at some later time the crisis situation is perceived as humorous. Third, humor can be experienced in the joy of ‘getting’ it. Humor can be the understanding of something that we at first did not comprehend. This occurs everyday in misunderstandings at which we laugh. Fourth, the experience of the ‘forbidden’ (laughing in church), or ‘getting away with’ something (often seen with children) is often experienced as humorous. Humor is comprised of three components wit, mirth, and laughter. Wit is the cognitive experience, Mirth the emotional experience, and Laughter the physiological experience. We often equate laughter with humor, but I do not need to laugh to experience humor.  laughter is not the same as humor Contrary to common belief, most laughter did not occur in response to humorous situations or jokes.  About 85% of laughter occurs to show support, friendliness, or relieve stress.  Laughter is the physiological response to humor. Laughter consists of two parts -- a set of gestures and the production of a sound. When we laugh, the brain pressures us to conduct both those activities simultaneously. When we laugh heartily, changes occur in many parts of the body, even the arm, leg and trunk muscles. Under certain conditions, our bodies perform what the Encyclopedia Britannica describes as ‘rhythmic, vocalized, expiratory and involuntary actions’-- better known as laughter. Fifteen facial muscles contract and stimulation of the zygomatic major muscle (the main lifting mechanism of my upper lip) occurs. Meanwhile, the respiratory system is upset by the epiglottis half-closing the larynx, so that air intake occurs irregularly, making me gasp. In extreme circumstances, the tear ducts are activated, so that while the mouth is opening and closing and the struggle for oxygen intake continues, the face becomes moist and often red (or purple). The noises that usually accompany this ‘bizarre behavior’ range from sedate giggles to boisterous guffaws.  gender affects humour Men tend to tell more jokes, tease and disparage (hostile humor), and enjoy slapstick humor, whereas women tend to prefer telling a story, usually in a self-deprecating manner, that elicits a response of group solidarity from other females. Interestingly, the roles reverse when I stick men and women together – men tend to tone down the teasing while women turn it up and target it at men, losing much of their self-deprecation in the process! most laughter is not about humour! Contrary to folk wisdom, most laughter is not about humor; it is about relationships between people. People laugh after a variety of statements. Victor Borge said, ‘Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.’ Laughter can be speech itself; certainly, laughter always interrupts the sentence structure of speech. It punctuates speech. We both laugh during pauses when we would cough or breathe, and in mid sentence. When we laugh, we are extending the communication. We are speaking in another language; the language of laughter. This strong relationship between laughter and speech is much like punctuation in written communication -- that is why it is called the punctuation effect.  homour is not tickling For more than a century, people believed that humor and tickling are inextricably intertwined. After all, if tickling did not help develop good humor, then why would we laugh? Biologist Charles Darwin and physiologist Ewald Hecker posited that humor and tickling are related partly because both require a good mood to be effective (called the Darwin-Hecker hypothesis). Darwin certainly contributed vast amounts of knowledge to science during his lifetime, but he missed the mark with this particular hypothesis. As it turns out, humor and tickling are not related. Studies that have sought to test the Darwin-Hecker hypothesis have consistently shown techniques that improve humor, like watching stand-up comedy clips, do not make a person more or less prone to ticklishness. When we laugh during a tickling episode, it is not because we find it funny. So, why do we laugh, then?  Why People Laugh? "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." We know to what we laugh, but why we laugh is still mystery. Maybe we are laughing to feel some relief after many hours at work.   relief theory The relief theory, proposed by Herbert Spencer and Sigmund Freud, advocates that laughter may occur due to the release of excess energy, and is the basis for a device movie-makers have used effectively for a long time. In action films or thrillers where tension is high, the director uses comic relief at just the right times. They build up the tension or suspense as much as possible and then breaks it down slightly with a side comment, enabling the viewer to relieve himself of pent-up emotion, just so the movie can build it up again! Similarly, an actual story or situation creates tension within us. As we try to cope with two sets of emotions and thoughts, we need a release and laughter is the way of cleansing our system of the built-up tension. According to Dr. Lisa Rosenberg, humor, especially dark humor, can help workers cope with stressful situations. ‘The act of producing humor, of making a joke, gives us a mental break and increases our objectivity in the face of overwhelming stress.’ same belief / approving anger Jokes that resonate with people’s thoughts, beliefs and current situations make them laugh more, especially when the beliefs show a sense of relief. Further, jokes that approves my anger makes me feel happier. For instance, we always feel really angry when we see how moms treat their small children as if they were bags and not human beings. There was a show that described how moms sometimes tell their children things like, ‘Eat, or I will kill you’ and people exploded. People did not only laugh because of the funny way this was said but also because its allowed them to release some of their anger that they had towards these moms in a healthy way. recalling same joke If a joke was said at the beginning of the show then recalled by another joke at the end of the show people will have a double laugh because of the combined effect of the two jokes. seeing own frustrations And for many of us, seeing our own frustrations reflected back at us by someone who clearly understands a familiar predicament or situation and injects levity into responding to it nearly always improves our mood! This is the relief. embarrassment/ pain is funny Laugher can also be produced in response to embarrassment. This is very common with women. This also happens hence. This is not just the fall down or the broken bone kind of pain – at least not always. I am not necessarily talking about slapstick, though seeing someone konked on the head can be funny. I am talking more about personal pain. Emotional pain and misfortune have been mined by comedians from the beginning of humor, I suppose. This goes hand-in-hand with not taking myself too seriously, because telling people painful stories is only funny if I do so in a sarcastic, humorous way. superiority theory The superiority theory states that humor contains a feeling of superiority. The superiority theory was first advocated by Plato and later by Aristotle. The superiority theory says that people laugh to assert that they are on a level equal to or higher than those around them. This is why bosses tend to crack more jokes than do their employees. Women laugh much more in the presence of men, and men generally tell more jokes in the presence of women. Men have even been shown to laugh much more quietly around women, while laughing louder when in a group of men. What makes us laugh foremost includes feeling a sense of superiority over someone else behaving ‘dumber’ than us. Jokes are a great way to make people laugh and have fun. One reason why people laugh at jokes is that most of jokes show some person in poor light. It makes people pleased as they feel they are better than the person made fun of in the joke. We laugh at jokes that focus on someone else's mistakes, stupidity or misfortune. We feel superior to this person, experience a certain detachment from the situation and so are able to laugh at met. stupid people A stupid guy from New York had to say sorry to everyone after dressing up as a large penis during a graduation ceremony. Story's like this makes us laugh, and we always feel sorry for a guy, but we still laugh at him and his stupid work. stalker The true story of how my wife's stalker rang her to discuss killing me is not supposed to provoke mirth. But when John Morreall, of the College of William and Mary in Virginia, related the events last week to a group of scholars in Tuebingen in Germany, they were in stitches as he divulged the details of how his wife tried to dissuade the confused young man by pleading that her mortgage was too large to pay without her husband's help. So why did they laugh? Dr. Morella’s thesis is that laughter, incapacitating as it can be, is a convincing signal that the danger has passed. The reaction of the psychologists, linguists, philosophers and professional clowns attending the Fifth International Summer School on Humour and Laughter illustrates his point. Dr. Morreall survived to tell the tale and so had an easy time making it sound funny. Black Humor Story One of most popular category of humor; black humour is humor where someone get insulted, someone get hurt in some not so funny but funny way, people getting hit by cars, peoples accidents. This all make us humans laugh. Funny Pictures, Videos Pictures with funny signs, naked people, funny peoples faces, crazy or drunk people, they all make us laugh. Everyone can share funny videos online; everyone can enjoy funny videos on websites that host videos. I just need to go to website and type funny videos; I will get many awesome and funny videos. But to get real laugh on such videos I suggest I type words ‘Drunk Maniac’. I can also take a photo of myself in front of the riot squad.  incongruity theory The incongruity theory suggests that humor arises when logic and familiarity are replaced by things that do not normally go together. A joke becomes funny when we expect one outcome and another happens. When a joke begins, our minds and bodies are already anticipating what's going to happen and how it is going to end. That anticipation takes the form of logical thought intertwined with emotion and is influenced by our past experiences and our thought processes. When the joke goes in an unexpected direction, our thoughts and emotions suddenly have to switch gears. We now have new emotions, backing up a different line of thought. In other words, we experience two sets of incompatible thoughts and emotions simultaneously. We experience this incongruity between the different parts of the joke as humorous. For instance, “A wise man once said ...... go ask a woman.” Incongruity theory is the reigning theory of humor since it justifies most cases of what sums up as being funny. Aristotle presented the earliest glimpse of the incongruity theory. According to him, it is the expectation of the audience and a twist in a situation that motivates them to laugh. "Familiarity breeds contempt - and children." Laughter response is ‘a really quick, automatic type of behavior.’ In fact, how quickly our brain recognizes the incongruity that lies at the heart of most humor and attaches an abstract meaning to it determines whether we laugh. "Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." At a later stage, Immanuel Kant gave a clearer statement on the incongruity theory, in which he said, ‘In everything that is to excite a lively laugh, there must be something absurd (in which the understanding, therefore, can find no satisfaction). Laughter is an affection arising from the sudden transformation of a strained expectation into nothing.’ All written jokes and many other humorous situations are based on an incongruity—something that is not quite right. In many jokes, the teller sets up the story with this incongruity present and the punch line then resolves it, in a way people do not expect. Alternatively, the very last words of the story may introduce the absurdity and leave the listeners with the task of reconciling it. A further example of an incongruent statement: Q. “How are you getting on with your exams?” A. “Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!” Misdirection  A style many comedians apply is misdirection.  This means they include a story that goes in a totally different direction to that that was expected.  Groucho Marx would use this technique. The basis behind this is that when the listener knows what is going to occur then it won't be funny however by catching them by surprise; their mind can see the funny side.  Most comedians use this tactic with their joke telling. "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question? TEACHER: Yes! STUDENT: How do you put an elephant inside a fridge? TEACHER: I don't know. STUDENT: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I have another question! TEACHER: Ok, ask. STUDENT: How to put a donkey inside the fridge? TEACHER: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. STUDENT: No sir, You just open the fridge take out the elephant and put it in. TEACHER: Ooh...ok!! STUDENT: Let me ask another one. If all the animals went to the lion's birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be? TEACHER: The lion of course! Because it wud eat all the animals. STUDENT: No sir, it is the donkey becoz it's still inside the fridge. TEACHER: Are you kidding me? STUDENT: No sir, 1 last question. TEACHER: Ok! STUDENT: If there's a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you? TEACHER: There's no way, I would need a boat to cross. STUDENT: No sir, you just swim and cross it because all the animals went to the lion's birthday party. Funny Names Such names always make us laugh, because they are incongruent. For instance, Al Kaholic, Dick Trickle, Nick Carrs, Trish Fish, Utits Besaggy, etc, all make us laugh. There are many other funny names, some in our tribes, and they make us wonder of the owner of the name has any behaviour attributes of the name, for instance, the name Al Kaholic makes us wonder if this guy drinks. Unexpected Punch Lines There is another reason of laughing at jokes. Jokes have two parts in them. One part is introduction and problem or the crux of the issue. The second part is the punch line of the joke. The punch lines make people laugh. Jokes as a form of entertainment and amusement are very popular all over the world. Most of jokes have the punch lines that are completely unexpected. As they are surprised people laugh out of embarrassment or pleasure of getting some thrill out of the punch line. If the punch line is on expected lines then people do not laugh at them. When people see and have some unexpected experience they have some chemicals secreted in their brain that make them feel good. Example Joke: Minister! There was a Methodist minister who had been in a serious accident and had to spend several weeks in the hospital. He had a lot of pain, and was given shots to reduce it. The procedure was always the same. When the pain got bad enough, he would ring a buzzer near his bed, and a nurse would soon come to give him the shot. One day, he rang for the nurse and then rolled over on his side (with his back to the door), pulled his hospital gown up over his exposed backside (ass), and waited for the nurse to come in. When he heard the door open, he pointed to his right bare buttock and said, ‘Why don’t you give me the shot right here this time?’ After a few moments of silence, he looked up. It was a woman from his church!  The minister—realizing what he had done—started laughing. He laughed so hard that tears were coming out of his eyes when the nurse arrived. When he tried to explain what had happened, he began laughing even harder.  Example Joke: Lonely Frog A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hot line to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Adviser advises him, ‘you are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.’ The frog is thrilled and says, ‘This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?’ No’ says the psychic, ‘in a Biology class.’ Example Joke: E-Mail Account A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. ‘Due to lack of maintenance,’ he read, ‘we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.’ If I did not laugh at these two jokes or at least have a smiley on my face, then I am having a very bad day. Example Joke: Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)  Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) Sickness We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work. Leave of Absence for Surgery We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately. Pregnancy In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay. Death This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks’ notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to death. Anyone who dies without notice will NOT BE REHIRED, and will be BLACKLISTED. This new benefit program started yesterday. Thank You. The Management.  Why Some People Do Not Laugh! Different things make different people laugh – it is important to keep this in mind when it does not seem that someone is responsive to my being funny. Several obvious differences in people affect what they find humorous. The most significant seems to be age. age Infants and children are constantly discovering the world around them. A lot of what goes on seems ridiculous and surprising, which strikes them as funny. What's funny to a toddler consists of short and simple concepts, like an elephant joke. Along with the ridiculous and the surprising, children -- much to their parents' dismay -- also appreciate jokes where cruelty is present (it boosts their self-assertiveness) and what we refer to as ‘toilet humor.’ To children, a preoccupation with bodily functions is simply another way of exploring their fascinating new environment. The pre-teen and teenage years are, almost universally, awkward and tense. Lots of adolescents and teens laugh at jokes that focus on sex, food, authority figures and -- in typical rebellious style -- any subject that adults consider off-limits. It is an insecure time of life and young people often use humor as a tool to protect themselves or to feel superior. intelligence As we mature, both our physical bodies and mental outlooks grow and change. Since there is a certain amount of intelligence involved in ‘getting’ a joke, our senses of humor becomes more developed as we learn more. By the time we are grown, we have experienced much of life, including tragedy and success. In keeping with these experiences, our senses of humor are more mature. We laugh at other people and ourselves in shared common predicaments and embarrassments. The adult sense of humor is usually characterized as more subtle, more tolerant and less judgmental about the differences in people. The things we find funny as a result of our age or developmental stage seem to be related to the stressors we experience during this time. Basically, we laugh at the issues that stress us out. Victor Hugo wrote, ‘Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.’ culture Another factor that affects what we find funny is the culture or community from which we come. Have I ever laughed at a joke and realized that if I were from anywhere else in the world, it just wouldn't be funny? It is a fact of life that culture and community provide lots of fodder for jokes. There are economic, political and social issues that are easy to laugh about, but only the people living in that culture may understand it. For example, a joke from a small country might not have universal appeal because it would be so little understood. The big, influential, much-observed United States might be the exception to this rule. Something funny in the USA may be perplexing in France, for example. I will keep this in mind, and try to find universally shared funny stories. Thanks to media and movies, most people around the world know what is going on here. So jokes about a situation in the United States can be enjoyed pretty much across the globe. What is funny has cultural overlays.  BENEFITS OF LAUGHTER Here are just but a few reasons to laugh.... and keep laughing! Social Benefits of Laugher "Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand." From a motivational point of view, as I travel along the path to becoming funnier, it is helpful to understand the extensive benefits of being a funny person. There are benefits both for myself, and to bestow on those amused by my humor. Social Acceptance, Popularity Laughing offers many social benefits. A person with a smiling face is always popular amongst a group. It lessens the distance between two individuals and brings them together. It increases healthy communication with others. Humor is infectious. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any cough, sniffle, or sneeze. Laughter positively affects many aspects of my life, including my health, well-being and energy, leading to a healthy, quality life. So I will always smile, it improves my face value too. Voltaire wrote, ‘The art of medicine consists of keeping the patient amused while nature heals the disease.’ Everyone loves a funny person. Have I ever stopped and considered why certain people at social functions are never short of attention and always have people wanting to sit near them? Especially when dating someone for the first time, a funny person can easily take the edge off those awkward moments. Humor and fun conversation is the ideal way to win over my date. Having the ability to make others laugh is possibly the best personal asset one can own. Laughing creates a positive outlook producing good hormones. Many of us are not naturals when it comes to being funny, although making someone laugh comes easier with practice and can indeed be taught…and learned! Career Development Being funny is recognized as an important part of job hires too – a survey of 737 CEOs found that 98 percent of them favored hiring someone with a sense of humor over someone who did not display such a sense. I will see being funny as a positive way up the corporate ladder. Peter Ustinov made a very insightful comment that ‘comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.’ Having a humorous side at work is beneficial for me and understanding this can help overcome any reservations I might feel about not being taken seriously if I am funny. In fact, if I am known as a good worker and funny, I will be the person others want to spend time around. Being funny at work can help build teams and relieve workplace stress. In addition, funny people tend to be creative thinkers, intent on keeping an open mind about work challenges, as well as seeking new ways to fix them. Mark Twain noted, ‘The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.’ Leadership Development Give a thought to being a funny leader. A leader who loosens up allows the team to loosen up too. If I am in a leadership or management role, set a tone that encourages good humor around the workplace and encourages fun to be a part of workplace life. Find out from my employees what their idea of fun is and start to build relationships of trust based on allowing fun into the workplace. Indeed, ‘Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable.’  Break Down Barriers, Promotes Social Acceptance! Being funny can break down barriers between people and cause us to bond. Laughter itself is considered to be a ‘universal language’. Steve Allen said that humor acts as a ‘social lubricant and humanizing agent’, giving it an important place during even the most serious of times. For example, during both World Wars, comedians and cartoonists formed an important part of maintaining morale among both troops and citizens. Being funny can make me seem a lot less scary. Have I ever experienced a moment where I have frightened a small child but I have quickly turned the situation around by telling a joke, or making fun of my scary height or appearance? It is a natural reaction when we want to make ourselves seem less frightening to others. When laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. Learning Aid Whenever I am in a position to teach people, using humor can be a fantastic tool for easing the learning process. Defusing anxiety in a classroom or workplace so that those learning are more receptive to what is being taught is an age-old tradition that works. Ojijo was right when he advised, ‘laugh and learn.’  Laugher Releases Tension, is an emotional Release Laughter is an emotional release similar to crying, brought upon by a mild mental stress rather than an emotional stress. It happens when the mind has some notion of an expectation and then that expectation is replaced by something similar but different and unexpected. From sudden emotion created by humorous activities performed by others or by themselves, we release tension when we are happy and feeling good. A laugh could trigger positive feelings in other people. When I laugh, the people around me might start laughing in response. Soon, the whole group is cheerful and relaxed. Laughter can ease tension and foster a sense of group unity. So sitcoms -- or anything else -- seem funnier to us when we hear other people laughing at them. We've evolved to be that way. A sense of humor can diffuse tense situations, such as fighting with my spouse or arguments between friends (a well-timed joke or action can set everyone off into peals of laughter, and poof! The argument takes on less importance). Reveal Important Opinions Telling good jokes can reveal important opinions or feelings about hot topics like marriage, love, death, or even abortion – and give I the opportunity to back off with an innocent, ‘Just kidding! Had you worried for a minute there, didn’t you?’  Bonding & Building Relationships A sense of humor can forge strong, incomparable bonds. Knowing how to make people laugh can connect me with someone I do not necessarily see eye-to-eye with, such as my teenage daughter or mother in law. Wystan Hugh Auden writes, Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can all of them make laugh. ~ Women use humor to enhance their relationships. They share funny stories or anecdotes that bond, like the time the family got stuck in the trailer overnight. Women like funny stories. Men use humor to get laughs and play up their persona. Men like slapstick comedy (Larry, Curly, Moe), and they often think that is the best way to make people laugh. Sometimes the way guys express closeness to other guys is through humor that puts people down. When they try to use the same humor with the women in their lives, it does not come across the same way. Socially, laughter unites us as friendly allies against outsiders and against forces beyond our control. In groups of children, women or men, laughter strengthens bonds of comradeship. Laughter builds relationships. Erma Bombeck advised, What makes people laugh? . . . It is a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give. Mutual laughter and play are an essential component of strong, healthy relationships. By making a conscious effort to incorporate more humor and play into my daily interactions, I can improve the quality of my love relationships— as well as my connections with co-workers, family members, and friends. Humor and playful communication strengthen our relationships by triggering positive feelings and fostering emotional connection. When we laugh with one another, a positive bond is created. This bond acts as a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, and disappointment. Laughing with others is more powerful than laughing alone. Shared laughter is one of the most effective tools for keeping relationships fresh and exciting. All emotional sharing builds strong and lasting relationship bonds, but sharing laughter and play adds joy, vitality, and resilience. And humor is a powerful and effective way to heal resentments, disagreements, and hurts. Laughter unites people during difficult times. Using humor and laughter in relationships allows I to: Be more spontaneous. Humor gets me out of my head and away from my troubles. Let go of defensiveness. Laughter helps I forget judgments, criticisms, and doubts. Release inhibitions. My fear of holding back and holding on are set aside. Express my true feelings. Deeply felt emotions are allowed to rise to the surface. If I am looking to find a new partner, then laughter will help me find a new mate. Men love women who laugh in their presence and women actually laugh 125% more than men. And if I am already with someone, then a shared sense of humour is an important factor in keeping my relationship running smoothly. When we laugh with one another, a positive bond is created. This bond acts as a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, and disappointment.  Health Benefits of Laugher Not only does laughter works wonderfully well in the moment; it also has some surprising long-term health benefits. The ancient Greeks would visit the ‘Home of the Comedians’ to improve their health, while the Romans had funny men as a part of their efforts to help people feel better. The American Indians not only had a medicine man as a part of every tribe but also had a tribe clown. The royal courts of England always had court jesters to help the refined ladies and gentlemen take their minds off of their problems. Humor was and is an essential part of our natures. Bernie Siegel, MD, noted, ‘The simple truth is that happy people generally do not get sick.’ In the last few decades, researchers have studied laughter's effects on the body and turned up some potentially interesting information on how it affects us For those who still insist to be serious, here are some benefits of laughter that should give I much needed boost Laughter is strong medicine for mind and body. Paul E. McGhee, Ph.D, wrote, ‘My sense of humor is one of the most powerful tools I have to make certain that my daily mood and emotional state support good health.’ Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring my mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens my burdens, inspires hopes, connects I to others, and keeps I grounded, focused, and alert. Indeed, Harold H. Benjamin, PhD, noted, ‘Laughter in and of itself cannot cure cancer nor prevent cancer, but laughter as part of the full range of positive emotions including hope, love, faith, strong will to live, determination and purpose, can be a significant and indispensable aspect of the total fight for recovery.’ With so much power to heal and renew, the ability to laugh easily and frequently is a tremendous resource for surmounting problems, enhancing my relationships, and supporting both physical and emotional health. Laughter is good for my health. Humor and laughter strengthen your immune system, boost your energy, diminish pain, and protect you from the damaging effects of stress. Laugh Torture vis-à-vis Pain Therapy! Happily, laughing itself is seldom lethal. But in some people with underlying health conditions, occasionally, jokes can kill. For instance, some unlucky laughers have had heart attacks, strokes, and embolisms when cracking up. There is some historical evidence that tickling was used as a method of torture and execution in centuries past. In one reported and exceedingly bizarre technique, a victim was tied up and the soles of his feet were covered with salt. A goat was then brought in to lick the salt, causing intense tickling. If kept up for long enough, the stress and exertion of laughing -- and squirming -- could have eventually brought on cardiac arrest or a brain hemorrhage. On the other hand, scientific studies prove that laughter is actually a therapy. Research shows that during intense laughter the human body releases endorphins, which is the body’s natural pain killer. Humor is also known to reduce stress and increase the body’s natural tolerance to pain! Groucho Marx once said ‘A clown is like an aspirin, only he works twice as fast.’ No kidding, and no pun intended! (err yea actually I was trying to be funny again...). Being funny when I visit a friend in hospital can be a breath of fresh air for them. Laughing helps people forget about pain. Studies show that children watching comedy films tolerate pain more easily. There are many more studies to validate the pain relieving effects of good laughter. Helps me Lose Weight Burning off calories by laughing might not sound as if it has. Laughing does more for me than a massage or a hot bath could do. It is not hard to do. It only takes some listening in on my part. It is also free, and this is what people mean when they say the best things in life are free. I pay nothing to laugh, but the benefits last a lifetime and do not have to be reviewed. Watching other people laugh has a great effect as well, unless I am the coldest person on earth. Assuming this is not true; others' laughs could energize me and cheer I up, even if I do not know the people who are laughing. This is one thing I will want to catch from others. Michael Pritchard said, ‘I do not stop laughing because I grow old. I grow old because I stop laughing.’ Laughter helps burn calories and is beneficial for weight loss. Laughter is good for our lungs as an outlet for some extra energy. An average adult only laughs 15 times per day? What a shame, considering the average child laughs up to 400 times per day! Maybe that is why so many adults are overweight? Laughter Boosts the Immune System Increased stress is associated with decreased immune system response. Some studies have shown that the ability to use humor may raise the level of infection-fighting antibodies in the body and boost the levels of immune cells, as well. Laughing releases a natural antihistamine produced by the body, and increases the response of tumor- and disease-killing cells such as Gamma-interferon and T-cells- a natural anti-biotic produced by the body, which boosts the immune system and helps fight infections. Further, saliva has immunoglobulon which helps reducing the frequency of colds. More laughter means more saliva produced, hence better shield against colds. Laughter helps the body to produce and release ‘Killer Cells’ which destroy tumors and viruses, Gamma-Interferon a protein that fights disease, B-Cells which help make many of the disease fighting antibodies found in the human blood stream and more. It also lowers the levels of at least four hormones that are associated with stress, so after a good giggle I should be far less tense and anxious, while improving my resistance to disease. Laughter Provides Relief Laughter provides relief from stress by releasing pain-killing, euphoria-producing endorphins, enkephalins, dopamine, noradrenaline and adrenaline. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert. Laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. In doing this, laughter provides a safety valve that shuts off the flow of stress hormones and the fight-or-flight compounds that swing into action in our bodies when we experience stress, anger or hostility. These stress hormones suppress the immune system, increase the number of blood platelets (which can cause obstructions in arteries) and raise blood pressure. When ‘we are laughing, natural killer cells that destroy tumors and viruses increase, as do Gamma-interferon (a disease-fighting protein), T-cells, which are a major part of the immune response, and B-cells, which make disease-destroying antibodies. Abraham Lincoln, during the Civil War, noted, ‘Gentlemen, why do not you laugh? With the fearful strain that is upon me day and night, if I did not laugh I should die, and you need this medicine as much as I do.’    Massages the Abdominal Organs/ Internal Workout What may surprise I even more is the fact that researchers estimate that laughing 100 times is equal to 10 minutes on the rowing machine or 15 minutes on an exercise bike. Laughing can be a total body workout! Blood pressure is lowered, and there is an increase in vascular blood flow and in oxygenation of the blood, which further assists healing. Laughter also gives my diaphragm and abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg and back muscles a workout. That is why I often feel exhausted after a long bout of laughter -- I have just had an aerobic workout! Belly laughing gives a good massage to the abdominal organs, like liver, kidney, pancreas, spleen and adrenal glands. As a result, blood flow is increased and their functioning is improved. A good belly laugh also exercises the diaphragm, contracts the abs and even works out the shoulders, leaving muscles more relaxed afterward. It even provides a good workout for the heart. Blood Flow Researchers at the University of Maryland studied the effects on blood vessels when people were shown either comedies or dramas. After the screening, the blood vessels of the group who watched the comedy behaved normally -- expanding and contracting easily. But the blood vessels in people who watched the drama tended to tense up, restricting blood flow. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems. Reduces Blood Sugar Levels One study of 19 people with diabetes looked at the effects of laughter on blood sugar levels. After eating, the group attended a tedious lecture. On the next day, the group ate the same meal and then watched a comedy. After the comedy, the group had lower blood sugar levels than they did after the lecture. Laughing helps keep diabetes under control. A study showed that people who watched a funny video after meal had comparatively lesser blood sugar level than those who watched a serious film.  Reduces Risk of Heart Disease Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect me against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems. Prevents heart disease Laughing is a great cardiac exercise, laughing for just a few seconds gets my heart pounding, blood flowing, my belly and cheek muscles working. It is no surprise that theirs clear health benefits for belching out loud at something I find amusing. Laughing is proven to be very beneficial for the people suffering from hypertension. It helps lower the blood pressure to normal. Research shows that laughing expands the inner walls of the arteries thereby increasing the blood flow. Furthermore, this positive effect lasts for 30-45 minutes. When I laugh, the blood flow increases and the blood pressure rises; but when I stop laughing, blood pressure drops back to its baseline. This relaxing effect helps bring down blood pressure. Heart attack is shown to be less likely to happen for people who have an active sense of humor. Cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center (Baltimore) have shown that an active sense of humor and a good portion of laughter is very likely to protect against heart attack. Can a laugh every day keep the heart attack away? Makes me Look Young Laughing requires as many as 15 muscles to squeeze facial muscles in to a smile. This act increases the blood flow around the face making I look younger. Laughing adds days to our lives. However, crying lessens our lives. Quick Recovery/Healing On the physical level laughter has also been proven increase vascular blood flow and oxygen levels in the blood, which in turn increases the speed and ability of the body to heal. Respiratory Tract/Better Breathing Laughter may lead to hiccupping and coughing, which clears the respiratory tract by dislodging mucous plugs. Laughter also increases the concentration of salivary immunoglobulin A, which defends against infectious organisms entering through the respiratory tract. Laughing causes deeper breathing and increase in blood flow, due to which oxygen and essential nutrients are supplied to all body parts. Laughter is a good workout for respiratory, abdominal, leg, back and facial muscles. It is a workout to the diaphragm and abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg, and back muscles. It tones intestinal functioning, massages abdominal organs and strengthens abdominal muscles. This activity is advantageous for digestion as well as absorption. Laughter empties my lungs of more air than it takes in resulting in a cleansing effect; similar to deep breathing. This is especially helpful for people who are suffering from respiratory ailments, such as asthma. During stress, our breathing is shallow and there is a build-up of carbon dioxide and residual air in our lungs. Belly laughing forces the air out of lungs, until its empty, followed by a deep inhalation. Hence repeated laughing cleanses the body and energizes it with fresh oxygen. Gives Good Sleep One of the main factors responsible for sleep problems is stress and anxiety. Having a good laugh prior to sleep reduces stress and anxiety, promoting deep, restful sleep. The focus on the benefits of laughter really began with Norman Cousin's memoir, Anatomy of an Illness. Cousin, who was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis, a painful spine condition, found that a diet of comedies, like Marx Brothers films and episodes of Candid Camera, helped him feel better. He said that ten minutes of laughter allowed him two hours of pain-free sleep. That is because laughter helps the pituitary gland release its own pain-suppressing opiates.  Psychological Benefits of Laughter Long after people forget what you said, they remember how you made them feel. -Anonymous The psychological benefits of humor are quite amazing. Increasingly, mental health professionals are suggesting ‘laughter therapy,’ which teaches people how to laugh -- openly -- at things that are not usually funny and to cope in difficult situations by using humor. Doctors and psychiatrists are becoming more aware of the therapeutic benefits of laughter and humor. This is due, in part, to the growing body of humor and laughter scholarship. Laughter activates many beneficial chemicals within the body that place us into a very joyous state. Laughter also returns the body to a state of balance. Laughter therapy has been regularly used to heal persons with varied ailments and is a wonderful tonic for life's ills. While the average 4 year old laughs 500 times a day, the average adult is lucky to laugh 15 times a day. Revitalize the habit of laughter, it will put far more living into my life. I will laugh for 5 minutes every morning; in front of the mirror. Feeling Good! We all have days where we feel down, but the impact on my health depends on how often I am depressed and how extreme the level of depression is. In one study, a group of middle-aged adults were given a test of depression. Those who died of cancer within the next 17 years were twice as likely to have had high depression scores 17 years earlier than those who developed no cancer at all. Bill Cosby once said, ‘If I can find humor in anything, I can survive it.’ Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. Can we really survive anything emotionally if we can keep our sense of humor about it? The ultimate test of this would seem to have been the Nazi concentration camps of World War II. Surely, there was no room for humor in the camps. And yet, psychiatrist Victor Frankl, a prisoner in the camps himself, noted in his book, Man's Search for Meaning, that humor was one of the things that helped people survive in the camps. He said, ‘I would never have made it if I could not have laughed. Laughing lifted me momentarily . . . out of this horrible situation, just enough to make it livable . . . survivable.’ Finding things to laugh at helped maintain a sense of meaning and purpose in life—even as prisoners saw others dying all around them. It was recently reported that members of the Tauripan tribe of South America have a ritual where they awake in the middle of the night to tell each other jokes. Even tribesmen in the deepest sleep wake to enjoy the laugh and then return to their state of slumber in seconds. I will commit to be humorous everyday. And the good feeling that you get when you laugh remains with you even after the laughter subsides. Humor helps you keep a positive, optimistic outlook through difficult situations, disappointments, and loss. More than just a respite from sadness and pain, laughter gives you the courage and strength to find new sources of meaning and hope. Even in the most difficult of times, a laugh–or even simply a smile–can go a long way toward making you feel better. And laughter really is contagious—just hearing laughter primes your brain and readies you to smile and join in the fun. Reduce Anxiety/ Effective Anti-Depressant Using humor before an exam, test, presentation to the board, etc., is the ideal way to defuse tension and reduce anxiety levels. Victor Frankl noted, ‘Humor, more than anything else in the human makeup, affords aloofness and an ability to rise above any situation, even if only for a few seconds.’  Laughter keeps depression and anxiety at bay by boosting the production of serotonin, a natural anti-depressant. It is no surprise that people with a good sense of humor rarely get depressed. And even if they do get, they get over it quickly. Tackling Hard Problems Taking difficult work situations and turning them into funny ones might seem frivolous at first but it can be an amazing way to turn around a bad situation. For example, a team suffering from low morale can be bolstered by adding humor to the solution, as occurred when a Pennsylvanian bank started a ‘Worst Customer of the Week’ award, complete with champagne given to the employee who told the worst tale of customer behavior each week. This resulted in every teller going out of their way to serve the difficult customers! Humor shifts perspective, allowing you to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light. A humorous perspective creates psychological distance, which can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed. Laugher Makes Me Feel Good, Prevents Crying! It feels good to laugh. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. Lowers stress hormones Improves mood. Sometimes, laughter helps us to prevent crying. Laughter makes me feel good. And the good feeling that I get when I laugh remains with me even after the laughter subsides. Humor helps me keep a positive, optimistic outlook through difficult situations, disappointments, and loss. More than just a respite from sadness and pain, laughter gives me the courage and strength to find new sources of meaning and hope. Even in the most difficult of times, a laugh–or even simply a smile–can go a long way toward making I feel better. And laughter really is contagious—just hearing laughter primes my brain and readies me to smile and join in on the fun. People who incorporate humor and play into their daily lives find that it renews them and all of their relationships. Life brings challenges that can either get the best of you or become playthings for your imagination. When you “become the problem” and take yourself too seriously, it can be hard to think outside the box and find new solutions. But when you play with the problem, you can often transform it into an opportunity for creative learning.Playing with problems seems to come naturally to children. When they are confused or afraid, they make their problems into a game, giving them a sense of control and an opportunity to experiment with new solutions. Interacting with others in playful ways helps you retain this creative ability. Laughter Reduces Stress, a Mind Break! Humor can energize me and leave me feeling a lot more alert. It is like a ‘mind-break’ without having to travel. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving my muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after. Laughter reduces the levels of certain hormones, namely cortisol, growth hormone, epinephrine and dopac, which are associated with stress response. Thus it helps relieve stress, depression, anxiety, grief, anger and irritation. Laughing also decreases pain by releasing a hormone, endorphins. It improves our attentiveness, pulse and heart rate. Reduce certain stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline Laughter dissolves distressing emotions. I cannot feel anxious, angry, or sad when I am laughing. Laughter helps me relax and recharge. It reduces stress and increases energy, enabling me to stay focused and accomplish more. Humor shifts perspective, allowing me to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light. A humorous perspective creates psychological distance, which can help me avoid feeling overwhelmed. Groucho Marx noted, ‘If it weren't for the brief respite we give the world with our foolishness, the world would see mass suicide in numbers that compare favorably with the death rate of lemmings.’           ‘ It is not uncommon for someone under stress to laugh too much and too loud, much to the annoyance of others. Unfortunately they stand out in negative ways they are not aware of and they sabotage possibly good relationships. The person who is laughing too much and too loud is showing they are nervous and uncomfortable. They are trying to tell others to relax and be comfortable with them. This is just to compensate for emotional stress and discomfort. People often store negative emotions, such as anger, sadness and fear, rather than expressing them. Laughter provides a way for these emotions to be harmlessly released. Laughter is cathartic. That is why some people who are upset or stressed out go to a funny movie or a comedy club, so they can laugh the negative emotions away (these negative emotions, when held inside, can cause biochemical changes that can affect our bodies). Memory Retention! Laughter actually increases intellectual performance and boosts information retention. Virginia Tooper said, ‘If you can open my mind to laughter, you can slip in a little information.’ Increase memory and learning; in a study at Johns Hopkins University Medical School, humor during instruction led to increased test scores. Laughter improves alertness, creativity, and memory. Humor and creativity work in similar ways, says humor guru William Fry, M.D., of Stanford University–by creating relationships between two disconnected items, I engage the whole brain. Humor also works very quickly. Less than a half-second after exposure to something funny, and electrical wave moves through the higher brain functions of the cerebral cortex. The left hemisphere analyzes the words and structures of the joke; the right hemisphere ‘gets’ the joke; the visual sensory area of the occipital lobe creates images; the limbic (emotional) system makes me happier; and the motor sections make me smile or laugh. A positive state of mind — whether caused by humor, love, or contentment — broadens people's thinking and ability to adapt to changing circumstances. Boosts Self-Confidence Humour boosts self-confidence and gives mental strength to cope with conflicts and challenges in life. It also helps us come out of anxiety and depression. It improves out mental health and makes us forget all the tensions in our daily busy lives. Boosts Creativity As laughter, humor, and play become an integrated part of my life, my creativity will flourish and new discoveries for playing with friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and loved ones will occur to you daily. Humor takes me to a higher place where I can view the world from a more relaxed, positive, creative, joyful, and balanced perspective. Humor, which is the ability to find a comic or amusing quality in a situation, action or group of ideas, can help me not only to laugh and have fun, but it can be a great tool to help me harvest new ideas, overcome writer's block and improve my craft. David M Ogilvy recognized this when he said, ‘The best ideas come as jokes. Make my thinking as funny as possible.’ I will use humor to solve problems creatively. A study by the Business Council of Australia found that ‘fun’ was one of the key elements of extraordinary, productive workplaces. Workplaces which achieved outstanding performance are filled with laughter and humour. ‘Fun workplaces tend to enhance learning, productivity and creativity, and reduce … employee burnout [and] high absenteeism’. Laughter aids innovation and creativity. ‘Humour loosens up the mental gears. It encourages out-of-the-ordinary ways of looking at things’. As laughter, humor, and play become an integrated part of your life, your creativity will flourish and new discoveries for playing with friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and loved ones will occur to you daily. Humor takes you to a higher place where you can view the world from a more relaxed, positive, creative, joyful, and balanced perspective. Fun, humour, laughter and playfulness all help us to be more creative and see the world in a different way. Seeing things differently helps us to break old patterns and develop unique products and innovative ways of doing things. Without a doubt, humour lights up our whole brain.  HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH! I need to learn to make people laugh! As Steve Allen once noted, ‘People will pay more to be entertained than educated.’ Learning how to be funny and making people laugh is an art. If I am a funny person, being humorous and getting some chuckles is second nature. If I am not a funny person, learning how to be funny might seem like an impossible task. That being said, there are skills I can learn to be a funny person. I will remember that everyone has a different sense of humor, so I will not get offended if not everyone finds me the funniest thing alive.  General Rules to Make People Laugh! Fake it till it’s real! This adage counts for being funny as much as for confidence. I can smile even when I do not feel like it, and the result is an improvement in mood. I will try being funny too, even when I do not feel like it; I will notice an appreciable improvement in my mood! Be Confident I will keep trying if I do not get a laugh the first time. Use the Humor of Others to Develop My Own Anytime I hear something I find funny, whether it comes from my mouth or someone else's mouth, I should record it in some way. That way I can recycle the line. I should play with the timing, play with the words, and modify the line to get the most out of it. The idea is to plant a seed in my mind and think about the comment and how I might use it. Later, when I need to create a laugh line or I need a spontaneous quip; I will have material to draw from. Learn Humour To be funny, I need to learn to be funny. The best way to learn about humor is to consume a lot of it - watch funny TV shows, funny movies and read funny books. When I come across something that makes me and others laugh, examine it and try to learn its secrets. Learn From Funny People This is a delightful part of seeking to be a funnier person – I get to watch comedians! Whether they are professional comedians, my parents, my kids, or my boss, learning from the funny people in my life is a key step to being funny myself. I will watch the methods that they use and see what I can adapt to my own situation and personality. Keep a note of some of the funnier things these people say or do. And find what I admire most in these people – even if all I do is cobble together my own funny plan based on one admired trait from each person, I will be improving my sense of funny tremendously. Immersing myself like this will help me to develop a toolbox of techniques I can use to be funny Read Speeches I will read speeches by good comedians or people who have a wonderful sense of humor. Note the ways in which they move or involve the audience using humor, even for serious topics. It is much easier to find funny moments in material I know well – my workplace attitudes, my amazing knowledge of 17th century poetry, my familiarity with fishing trips that went wrong, etc. Whatever the material, though, it also needs to resonate with my audience, meaning that my concise ability to deconstruct a 17th century poem might not hit its mark with somebody not familiar with the piece! As a general rule, people who are very focused on one hobby, occupation, or sitcom can be very funny to other people who are also wrapped up in that particular pursuit. When they try to be funny around people who are not ‘in the loop,’ however, their humor often falls flat. In other words, they may come off as ‘geeks’ or ‘nerds.’ How do I avoid this? I will broaden my horizons so that I am tuned-in regardless of who I am speaking to. Anything I find funny, I should write in my humor file and think about from time to time. Read One Joke Per/Joke Books I will need to read joke books. It cannot hurt to have a few good memorized jokes up my sleeve; and reading jokes can inspire me to start making up my own witticisms. When reading them, try to dissect the elements that make them such good jokes. Equally, try to work out why some jokes do not work and I will be learning what to avoid! Have Jokes In Reserve/A Humour File! Having a reserve of jokes I can use in certain situations. Read one joke per day and memorize the ones that I really like. Learn enough that I will have a snappy one-liner or witticism for just about any situation. I will find jokes that will fit into a lot of different situations and contexts. I need good material that is funny (obviously). I will assemble about 30 or 40 jokes, funny stories, life experiences that I can think of. Cull through them and pick only the best. Then I will time it by reading in front of a mirror. It should fit into my allotted time on stage. In a way, being funny is simply showing that I am intelligent enough and know enough about something (hopefully a great many things) to find the humorous nuances that others miss. I will make it seem effortless. Read Funny Books I will need to read funny books, comics, poems, etc. I can read works by people like James Thurber, P.G. Wodehouse, Stephen Fry, Kaz Cooke, Marian Keyes, Woody Allen, Zadie Smith, Bill Bryson, Bill Watterson, Douglas Adams, etc. – and do not forget children's books by good authors; they can be a terrific source of good humor! There are many excellent authors writing funny literature – do a search online for lists of humorous authors, or check out the authors in book stores. Read One-Liners I will need to read one-liners. One liners can steal the show. Dorothy Parker was brilliant with one-liners; for example, when told that Calvin Coolidge had died, she replied, ‘How can they tell?’ I need quick wit and readiness for delivering good one-liners but studying other people's can inspire my own. One liners can be an excellent means for opening and sustaining a dry presentation – for example, stating ‘If we are what we eat, most of us are in danger of becoming French fries’, before proceeding to talk about dry nutritional figures can set the audience at ease that I am funny underneath all those stats. Hang Out With Funny People I should also hang out with funny people. Their humor will rub off on me. However, if their humor is at the expense of others, I may need to find other friends. Watch Funny Shows, Improvisers! I should watch funny shows. There are so many TV shows and movies with excellent comedians. I will just do myself a favor and watch them, lots! I should also watch improvisers. All good comedians are improvisers but some people choose to improvise for a living and the experience can be hilarious! I can also attend an improvisation performance and take part in it as much as I can – I will laugh a lot and observe exactly how they take instant unknown situations and turn them into something very funny.  See the World with a Humorous Outlook I will need to see the world with a humorous outlook and regularly try to transform everyday situations into funny anecdotes in my mind. The more that I practice this, the easier it gets and it will become second nature for me to respond in this way under pressure; situational humor is ultimately easier and more likely to work for me than memorizing reams of jokes made up by other people. Be Positive and Happy / Have Energy Closely linked to being funny, having a positive nature goes hand in hand with a good sense of humor. Being happy and positive to be around will win over most people and it is especially alluring if I am able to be a positive source of morale boosting when she's feeling down. Trying to find the positive take in even negative situations will ensure that I come across as easygoing, considerate, and kind, all traits a girl can easily connect with. If I am not already competent with setting people at their ease, what do these guys do that I can put into action too? Being funny includes being playful, sometimes teasing, and always looking for the fun angle. The serious stuff can wait. If I am feeling temporarily down or melancholy, try to keep this to myself or beg off seeing her until I am feeling more upbeat. A lasting impression of me being down is not a good start to a relationship! I will bring energy into the room. I need to be the life of the party if I am going to be funny. Being the life of the party means adding life and energy to the room. Be energetic. Be animated. I will make it seem like these stories really excite me, one way or the other. Practice Being Funny Everything improves with practice but it is important to practice in a low-risk environment first and to build up my funnier self to wider audiences as I improve. My family and friends will be most forgiving, while my clients and colleagues will be apprehensive if I am suddenly shape-shifting into a funnier person, and a large audience will expect me to be good from the start. Practicing with people I trust and who can give I constructive feedback is a good way to start. The use of sarcasm needs to be treated with kid gloves. If I am good with the deadpan delivery and humorous cutting remark, by all means go for it; but for most mere mortals, many a sarcastic comment falls very, very flat and is not at all amusing! Act Funny The next time I am at the gym, stand in front of the lightest barbell I can find. Stretch and flex and act like the strongest person in the world. Then lean over and act like the weight is impossible to lift. The more I grunt and groan the better! Tell Jokes This is where everyone starts. I will keep in mind that while good joke-telling is an art form in and of itself, it is not a requisite for being funny. Not being able to remember jokes does not doom me to being humorless! Indeed, research has shown that a joke poorly told can be funny in its own right depending on who I tell it to; it is possible we have a tendency to find being let down by bad humor cause for amusement too. Be Myself All of us have an innate sense of humour; we were born with it. I should trust myself, and my innate sense of homour. Being funny does not come in ‘one-size-fits-all’; what makes me funny is unique to me and the way I observe the world. I will focus first on what I find funny in life and learn from my own reactions to the things that make me laugh. I do have a funny bone – as babies we laugh from 4 months of age, and all children express humor naturally from kindergarten age, using humor to entertain themselves and others, with riddles, knock knock jokes, laughing at themselves, and even using physical slapstick humor. So it is already in me – I just need to bring it forth again! People have to relax to laugh, and no one feels comfortable around a fake. Think Before Speaking I will consider if what I am about to say will hurt anyone's feelings or really be funny but it is not really important if I hurt someone’s feeling just say sorry if I do then walk away. Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. ~ Victor Borge  Remember Things That Make Me Laugh I will find the things that make me laugh because they will probably make others laugh as well. I will search for books, movies, TV shows, photos, stories, words, poems, people, work incidents, pet follies, near catastrophes, etc., that I have found funny. I will keep a note of them. Be Random I will surprise where it is least expected. I will be random. Verbal jokes use this element to the greatest level possible, trying to misdirect my attention much the same as a magic trick seeks to do. This technique relies on cognitive processing errors, turning assumptions upside down, and word confusion. For example ‘What happens to liars when they die?’ Answer – ‘They lie still.’ This joke works because I have to interpret the joke in two ways, and the brain is temporarily confused by its inability to draw on usual experience. All of this happens quickly and unconsciously, and humor becomes my brain's ‘graceful’ way of coping with the mixed signals; if I ‘get ‘the joke, I will be laughing. When writing, I can still use this technique – write something that appears to be headed in one direction but end up somewhere else totally, such as Groucho Marx' clever one-liner, ‘Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read’, or Rodney Dangerfield's line, ‘My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.’ The aim is to keep what's coming up a total surprise! On the plus side for me as an improving funny person, it is good to know that the less funny a place is, the easier it becomes to spring the element of humorous surprise (for example, a dour workplace), while it is far harder to maintain the element of surprise where humor is expected (for example, a comedian doing stand-up comedy). Impersonate someone or act out a scene from a movie. Give water to the person I am trying to make laugh and tell them to try not to laugh when I do something funny or start laughing. Make some random sounds; it won’t make sense if it is not related to the topic though. Relax, Do Not Try Too Hard To be funny, I need to relax, and take myself less seriously. An unknown philosopher warns us thus; ‘Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.’ The harder I try, the more serious it gets, and the less fun it is. I will let down my defenses and be receptive to whatever may come. I will not laugh at my own jokes until everyone else is laughing. It will not only make it seem I am trying too hard to be funny, but it can also spoil the funny moment and nobody else will feel inclined to laugh. I will avoid ‘canned laughter’ for individuals. If I take myself too seriously, others are going to take me too seriously, too. Being funny is about being the clown people laugh at. If I cannot laugh, no one else will. (I need to at least laugh with them; they might laugh at me.) I will look at every situation in my life as another chance at humor, an experience to be mined for comic gold. One essential characteristic that helps us laugh is not taking ourselves too seriously. We have all known the classic tight-jawed sourpuss who takes everything with deathly seriousness and never laughs at anything. No fun there! Some events are clearly sad and not occasions for laughter. But most events in life do not carry an overwhelming sense of either sadness or delight. They fall into the gray zone of ordinary life–giving I the choice to laugh or not. Be Observant While knowing a lot can increase my capacity for humor, there is no substitute for seeing a lot. In fact, many very knowledgeable people fail to see the humor in things. Look for the humor in everyday situations, and see what others will or do not Share Embarrassing Moments I will share my embarrassing moments. The best way to take ourselves less seriously is talk about times when we took ourselves too seriously. I should attempt to laugh at situations rather than bemoan them. I will look for the humor in a bad situation, the irony and absurdity of life. This will help improve my mood and the mood of those around me. I will remember the most embarrassing moments in my life so far, the monumental stuff-ups, the times I refused to make changes, the breakdowns in communications that I played a major part in, and maybe even the time I tried to be funny around my friends-but no one laughed but me. Instead of seeing their serious, reputation-wounding side, I will start seeing what was funny about these moments and how I can share the funny side of it with others. Being able to laugh at myself in a healthy, non-defensive way is good for me. Be Self-Deprecating These traits can make me appear approachable and when I am being funny, it shows other people that I am like them; I have been through the same trials they have, and that I am a ‘regular’ person. I will just make sure to play down the right things in my life though, and not make myself appear self-destructive or low in self-esteem - these do not make me seem funny but pitiable, and sometimes, pathetic. If I think my humor is self-mortifying, then it is not funny but painful for my listeners – and me. Good comedians tend to use themselves as the principal target for humor, presumably because they know their own foibles so well, but also because it is a means by which they show others the warts-and-all side of their personality which instantly connects with our own warts-and-all side. George Bernard Shaw summed it up well when he stated, ‘When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.’ We all spend so much time trying to be better people, often trying to smother up unpleasant truths about our appearance/abilities/thoughts, etc., that it is great to use humor to release the tension this brings about, to let out a collective sigh of relief that ‘we are all in this crazy rat race together, all feeling the same inadequacies and all thinking the same thoughts about things that bug us.  Non-Verbal Funny Cues I will remember to include non-verbal funny cues, such as doing a funny dance, or making a funny noise, where these are appropriate. Be an Active Listener Being an active listener (and therefore lifelong learner), makes me a great joke teller and humorous person. I will listen carefully to others and really hear them, and understand what they are about. When I am busy focused on people other than myself, I will get a better sense of how to help others through humor, and it will also enable I to observe and relate the small joys of life too – making my funny self more believable and empathetic. Timing Apt timing is as important as surprise, because if I give the brain too much time to work out a situation or joke, the funny moment will pass by. This is probably why jokes people have heard before do not work, as recognition dulls humor because the brain is already primed by experience. I will react quickly and strike while the humorous moment exists. Timing is always of importance when I do anything involving people's funny bones. Simply put, it is knowing when to say something. There are many ways to make people laugh, from the traditional ‘knock-knock’ jokes to the more advanced humorous comments that can be dropped in conversation. Timing is important in almost every social interaction and even more so when it comes to being absolutely hilarious. The whole point of timing within semi-technical terms, is that my timing should destroy the reality of the situation or story at its height or most believable point, so the contrast between my suggested reality and the reality described in the situation is larger, and thus funnier. About 3 seconds is the max amount of time I can wait before making my funny comment, gesture or hip-thrust. Then again, sometimes a comment is made even more funny because the timing is so bad. The best way to get better at timing is to simply zone out what the speaker is saying. I know it may sound harsh, but hey, making people laugh is not pretty sometimes. I will find that upon zoning out, and removing my self from the situation entirely, I will be able to make humorous comments without any hesitation, 'cause hey, I am funny, what do I care? The easiest way to do this is to focus on keywords said by the speaker. Certain words will trigger certain ideas or images within my own brain, and while I am trying to pull out something that perhaps will make people hate me less, the speaker continues on with their story, completely unaware of how much I do not care. I have to say that of the people that talk to me during the day, I probably pay attention to about 3% of what they say. That figure, coupled with my already incredibly low attention span, creates situations where the only response I can make is nod, smile, and either say something funny, or high-five whoever is closest to me and then quickly walk away. Smile Smiling is the beginning of laughter. Like laughter, it is contagious. Pioneers in ‘laugh therapy,’ find it is possible to laugh without even experiencing a funny event. The same holds for smiling. When I look at someone or see something even mildly pleasing, practice smiling. Smiling is infectious. People tend to mirror what they see. So when I smile at them as I play funny, they are likely to smile back at me as a reflex. Once I have them smiling, I can get them laughing. Move toward Laughter When I hear laughter, I will move toward it. Sometimes humor and laughter are private, a shared joke among a small group, but usually not. More often, people are very happy to share something funny because it gives them an opportunity to laugh again and feed off the humor I find in it. When I hear laughter, I will seek it out and ask, ‘what’s funny?’ Bring Humor Into Conversations. I will ask people, ‘What’s the funniest thing that happened to you today? This week? In your life?’ If they share their life stories and laugh, I can also share my life stories, and they most likely laugh with me. Plus, the key is to have them laughing, no matter who tells the joke, they will only recall one thing, ‘phew! That guy is funny.’ Facial Expression In a funny situation where everyone is laughing, try hard to look blank, like I do not know what’s happening. I get laughs, and all eyes are on me. I will not be scared. Some people like staring at other people unexpectedly- that cracks up laughs.  Ask Stupid Questions, Seriously! I will stop someone on the street, pull out a map of Greece and ask for directions to the Parthenon. (Caution this won't work if I am in Greece!) The next time I look through a microscope I will announce to my lab partner ‘Hey, look in here. It looks just like my Uncle Stu!’ Speak Funny, Seriously! During a conversation with my friends, I will say, ‘chirpledeekirpledeedum’ in the middle of each sentence. I will get some friends together and stuff as many grapes as possible behind my upper lip. Now try to carry on a conversation. I will blow soap bubbles and say to each one ‘Good Witch Glenda, oh, Good Witch Glenda, are you in there? It is me, Dorothy … ‘ In the library, I will grab random books and hold them upside down (seriously). Just Laugh And sometimes, to make someone laugh, I will just laugh—it is contagious, after all.  How to Make My Friends Laugh Wear Goofy Clothes I will wear Cat in the Hat hats, fake mustaches, funny t-shirts, goofy teeth, and so on. Mess Around With Them! Most people are ticklish! This will only works if they feel comfortable with me, though. Otherwise they will feel like I am violating them. And I will not tickle someone if they do not want to be tickled! I will not act like I am funny when I definitely need some work! Make Fun of Them I will not overstep the mark here and bully, but have some fun. I will do funny things and enjoy the things that make me laugh more often. Indulge in reading a comic strip, share jokes with the kids, give in to ‘silly things’ just because they are funny, and laugh as often as I can. Think Silly Much humor derives from very serious events and situations in our daily lives. The sooner I grasp this reality and learn to bend it to my sense of humor, the better! This is about taking serious stuff and being not-so-serious with it. I will try to find the funnier, lighthearted side of what I am observing and think like a kid. This is an example of a silly equation: Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage Status Change Changing a person's status, or the status of something long held to be true, can be very funny. For example, having a CEO of a company ask the receptionist for advice on how to run the company. Or, as Stephen Colbert did, taking a tried and true saying such as ‘Be the change you want to see in the world’ and telling people ‘Please do not do that. Some of us like it the way it is. Personally, things are going great for me right now.’ can be very amusing. Tell My Humorous Stories I will open my humor eyes and ears and look and listen for the funny things that happen all around me. Families are an especially good resource for finding humorous stories. One such story involves a 93-year-old mother. Every time she goes to the doctor, she hires a van service to take her there and back. One late afternoon, it did not show up to take her home. Since the doctor had to close the office for the day, he suggested that she wait for the van in the pizza parlor next door. After waiting a long time without the van arriving, she went up to the counter and asked, ‘Do you deliver?’ When the man behind the counter replied, ‘Of course, we do. we are a pizza place.’ She said, ‘Great. Then I'd like a pepperoni pizza and I'd like to go with it.’ Borrow Some Witty Words While waiting for my own humor-related stories to appear, I might want to borrow some funny short quotes from famous people to lighten up my talks. Quotation books, the TV, newspapers, and magazines such as Reader's Digest are great resources for locating great quotes. For instance, if I frequently speak to hospice groups, Woody Allen's comments about death and dying are appropriate (e.g., ‘there are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?’) Quotes and one-liners from movies and TV shows often work, but make sure they are not too dramatic or well known. Studying sitcom characters like Chandler Bing from Friends will get me in the mentality of a naturally funny person. Work Outside The Box – Be Creative When I go over familiar ground, I will try to think outside the box and find creative or unique ways to look at the familiar. Find the truth in something, because I want to joke about something people think about and care about, just in a different way. I want them thinking, ‘He’s right. Why have not I ever thought about it that way?’ Real Life Stories Are Funnier Great comedians draw heavily on their actual life experiences, so the joke is on themselves rather than on other people, drawing focus on little details that may have appeared insignificant and showing other people an insight regarding the workings of their mind.  As we can relate to the actual aspects of the story, the entire joke appears believable and the humor in it comes across genuine.  Comedians who are well known for this type of comedy include Billy Connolly, arguably the funniest scot alive. The funniest people use real stories instead of made up stories. Take the best comedians for example; I will notice how they often draw on their real life experiences making the joke about them. This kind of humor is genuine and it is easy to relate to real stories. Escalation Escalation is another different technique to be humorous.  This means that the story begins in a sensible, predictable way and then escalates into the very funny. I will add more and more funny dialogue until the listener begins cracking up in laughter. Understatement is when I make an important topic seem really trivial. Reversal means moving the story around so that it refers to the incorrect noun - like ‘residents dangerous to local dogs’ The error many of us make when trying to be humorous is to try to be funny non stop.  They end up sounding idiotic and embarrass themselves.  The answer to humor is to inject it into a story.  It is sometimes someone who is usually fairly straight, that comes across really funny when they throw in several random lines to a conversation or who then tells a really clever tale of their lives. Content This is the meat of the matter! This is the core of creating cackles and chuckles within my constituents. At the heart of everything that spawns a snicker, there lies a little bit of truth, and a little bit of bullshit. Humor can be seen as a fence between a nice well-groomed lawn and a lawn covered in... Well bullshit essentially. Basically, what I say should do something similar to this shatter the perceived reality and suggest a new one, thus causing a humorous reaction because of the impossibility or absurdity. To make it really boring-sounding, in order for anyone to laugh at a joke or comment, we both must share a similar perception of a reality, as well as an understanding of when I as the joke-teller break this reality. This breaking is called a punch-line. Starting to make sense now right? In a joke, reality is set up in an easily perceived and recognizable fashion, something the audience can relate too or have basic knowledge of. This is done to include the most amounts of people in a joke and thus generate the most laughter. Without this understanding of how the world works, my breaking of this world (punch line) won't cause laughter, because my audience won't know any better. Man that makes it sound so ‘unnatural’ does not it? But I am in luck basement-dweller! Most people (even lonesome ones) have a general idea of humor, whether I am aware of it or not, because it is instinctual. Laughter is a social-facilitating stratagem used since humans could first communicate. One can improve on it by listening more and thinking less. The best way to get funnier, as shallow as that sounds, is to simply watch funny things! I know, I know, that sounds obvious, but instead of really enjoying a funny show to its fullest effect, I will practice the zoning-out method and try to focus on what I could say if such a thing were to be reacted in real life. I do this all the time, it is really strange because I will be watching a funny show but I almost never laugh because I am thinking about what they are saying and how their setting up the joke. Just make sure to watch plenty of funny shows or movies or whatever I think is funny and consequently, funny things will spew out my mouth like throw-up out of Courtney Love's Hole. Tone Well, well, well, here we are, nearly finished, and I probably think I have been considerably hornswoggled as far as time is concerned. I say no good sir! If there is one thing I pull away from my careful and correct cutting of the craft of creating chuckle, then it should be tone. Tone is very easy to understand, and most of us know what I mean without even me having to say. But Mr. or Mrs. Smarty Pants; tone can make unfunny things incredibly funny and vice versa. Yes, you may be astounded at this sudden revelation of pure genius, but it is true. Tone is what creates uniqueness in my specific speciality of snickery, and often times, it will be the deciding factor of who thinks I am funny and who does not. In overly simplified terms, tone can be manufactured with a persona. I know this is sort of ripping apart my reality again but just stay with me here. Each conversation or situation can be approached from a different persona. Now I am not advocating being someone I am not, but tone is all about how things are said and implied. The persona must break the understanding of the current situation/reality and suggest an alternate one that is absurd and therefore, humorous. With absurdity, comes the unexpected, and with the unexpected, comes new possibilities. Within these possibilities, comes mental freedom. Tone is behind all of this; and with the wrong tone, can come the wrong break. With the wrong ‘freeing’ comes the wrong mental freedom, and thus comes the incorrect type of laughter I was looking for. As I will come to realize, comedy is VERY formulaic, and once I start picking up on the patterns, making people laugh will become as easy as winning a father-son sock hop against an orphanage.  How to Make Children Laugh! Use Facial Expressions! My facial expressions, body position, movements, and tone of voice can all impact how funny I seem. I will not be shy at making good use of my physical abilities to convey the funnier side of things, from pulling faces Wear Goofy Clothes I will wear ‘cat in the hat’ hats, fake mustaches, funny t-shirts, goofy teeth, and so on. Wear Funny & Look Serious! I will wear goofy headbands and when people look at me funny, say loudly, ‘What? What? What are you looking at?’ I will buy some cheap shower caps and talk my friends into wearing them the next time I go to a movie. I will paint smiley faces on an old pair of shoes and wear them to school. I will get some friends together and wear lifejackets to the mall. Stop people and say, ‘ Better get ready. We understand it is going to start raining real hard real soon.’ I will blow up a balloon then suddenly let it go. Follow the flying balloon around the room and shout dramatically, ‘He's dying! He's dying!’When the balloon hits the floor, pronounce it ‘dead.’ I will wear socks on my hands. When people ask about it, say matter of factly, ‘My toes are protesting.’ Staying on one subject can grow tiresome quickly; I will learn to flip to new topics to keep my humor fresh during an occasion of repartee! Mess Around With Them! Most people are ticklish! This will only works if they feel comfortable with me, though. Otherwise they will feel like I am violating them. Tickling is an amazing way to break down the barriers and get the laughter going. It is hard not to laugh when I am being tickled... I will try this (and never stop smiling) I can tickle their feet; and aim higher and tickle the sides of tummy or neck, and see how they react! Provided they are laughing and happy about it, all is good. I should stop if the child is not enjoying the tickle. Never Frown I should never frown. If the child is feeling a little blue, this can be a caring but fun pick-me-up that shows I love her wonderful smile. I will not frown, I will always have my smile and laughter at the ready, after all, ‘to appreciate humor, I must have a sense of humor!  Paw like a Cat, or Behave like an animal! Another way of making children happy is to paw like a cat, or to behave like an animal, either I can meow like a cat, paw like one; or growl like a dog, or try to roar like a lion. If the child knows these animals, they will be scared, and relieved, hence, laugh.  How to Make a Girl Laugh! Making a girl laugh is a renowned dating and flirting strategy – a girl who finds me funny and finds herself laughing along with my great sense of humor is a girl more likely to start falling for my charms. A fantastic way of leveling the ground between us, using humor will relieve the nervous tension of first date jitters, negate worries about ‘not being or looking good enough’, and draw the two of us closer together. Not only will showing off my great sense of humor get a girl to laugh but it is bound to ensure that we both enjoy our time spent together. If I am feeling a little unsure about my ability to bring about laughter with a girl I fancy, after reading this book, I will feel a lot more confident that I have already got what it takes to make a girl laugh – all that will be left to do is to act on it. Making a girl laugh is one of the best ways I can get her to be attracted to me, fascinated by me and relaxed in my presence. By causing her to chuckle, I am showing her that I am laid back, good-natured, able to make fun of myself and happy when I can make her smile. I may also be demonstrating how clever, witty and quick I am. I am also telling her, during those moments in ‘future’ when she will be down and blue, I will be able to make her laugh and forget her worries. What better guarantee for a happy relationship in future! Making a girl laugh may be initially difficult, but there are a few ways to do it that will get her giggling every time.  It is a Risk Humor has got a lot to do with risk taking. Some people dare to tell jokes in front of large groups while others never do. It is because some people do not fear rejection while others do. Research did not only prove that those who have a sense of humor are perceived to be more attractive but it also proved that they are perceived to be risk takers!! The person who says a joke in front of a large group is a risk taker. I should expect to make mistakes with hit-and-miss attempts to make her laugh. That is part and parcel of being humorous – sometimes it just falls flat. I will not let it cause me to abandon the attempt; try again and show her that stuffing up does not bother me. If I like, why not make a joke out of a failed joke?! Be Confident Keep trying if I do not get a laugh the first time. People have to relax to laugh, and no one feels comfortable around a fake. I should not be afraid to be myself. Developing a sense of humor can only be possible when I learn how to become comfortable around people and then I can just repeat the jokes I heard somewhere else.  Relax I will relax – I will not burden her or myself with the need to laugh. Laughter is spontaneous and wells up from humorous situations and trying to see the good side to all things. And equally, there are times when laughing is not appropriate or it just does not feel right. Trust my instincts on when not to try and make the girl laugh, for example, when it is a somber occasion, or when something very serious has happened. In wanting to ‘make a girl laugh’, the intent matters. It is not possible to make anybody do anything against their will unless I am coercing them. That is hardly likely if I want laughter as the result! If she finds me funny, that am fantastic, but if not, I might simply have to rethink my strategy and assess my limitations. I will try not clowning around too much – a little is funny, too much is embarrassing for both of us. Trying to be funny when I do not feel funny, or when it just is not clicking for me, will cause I distress and can take away from the enjoyment of spending time with this girl. I will not try too hard! Laughter will come by itself if both of us are relaxed and enjoying each other's company. Observe Carefully Carefully observing my surroundings will make me better at being funny because I will have more content to work with. I will be observant -- of her, of what is going on around her and of things that she probably will not notice. My observation skills will be highlighted, for example, when I whisper to her about the humorous conversation the two people behind us in line are having. This is a good skill to have in any serious relationship. Avoid Sarcasm I will avoid jokes or sarcasm that will plummet my standing in people’s mind. These are the jokes that border on insulting, are insulting, or are simply crude. I will avoid telling any sexist, ethnic, or religious jokes. These are touchy topics at the best of times and are definitely not safe ground unless I know the girl incredibly well – even then, I will be careful! I will not make fun of women, friends, family, or female matters. And definitely do not make jokes about weight, appearance, or dress size. I will not make jokes about her. It does not matter how funny I see them and how inoffensive I mean them to be – she will be likely to take offense and see the joke in its worst light. Equally, do not laugh at her, under any circumstances, unless I do not want to see her again. I will steer clear of being mean about other people as a form of humor. Not only is humiliating people not funny, it will also have her wondering if I will turn on her next. If I do not know her well, I will avoid the bloke jokes, including sarcastic, dark, or intimidating ones. When I know her better, I will be better prepared to know whether she's alright with this sort of humor or not. In judging the suitability of my sarcastic or ironic remarks, keep in mind the comment by Agnes Repplier that ‘humor brings insight and tolerance; irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.’ If in doubt, keep it friendly rather than darkly clever.  Make Fun of Things She Does This is a tricky one, and it should only be attempted by males who are very skilled in the way they can joke about their girl. The key is to make fun of what she does and not who she is. If done properly, these jokes will charm the girl I like instead of offend her. If she spends a lot of time getting distracted at the store while I just want to get my purchase and leave, I may make a joke about how distracted she always gets. If she takes a long time to get ready before seeing me, I may make a joke about how long I have been waiting for her, but then offset it with how it was worth it because of how beautiful she looks. Good Timing Using proper timing is key to making a girl laugh. If I am constantly throwing out jokes, I may appear to be trying too hard, or I may seem unapproachable because the only things I have to talk about are humorous. Making a joke at just the right moment will make her smile and take her out of a sad mood. Joking non-stop will push her away and make her feel distant. Facial Expressions! My facial expressions, body position, movements, and tone of voice can all impact how funny I seem. I will not be shy at making good use of my physical abilities to convey the funnier side of things, from pulling faces.  Be Self-Effacing Making fun of myself is a great basic way to make a girl laugh, because I am showing her that I do not take myself too seriously, which may be an important quality in a man for her. If I fall or trip, do not cover it up or act embarrassed; simply laugh at myself and move on. If I feel excited or overwhelmed just to be in her presence, make a comment about what a geek I am for being nervous like a 7th grade boy. This will show her that I truly are affected by her and are not going to try to hide it or act macho. This is where everyone starts. Making fun of myself is the easiest and least risky way to do this. Naturally, I will be careful not to come across as a lame duck with serious low self-esteem issues, or as a perpetual clown. I will avoid that by focusing on how my good qualities have pulled me through some challenging or embarrassing situations where other less humorous people might have responded in a frustrated, unforgiving, or annoyed way. I will show myself as a fun-loving guy who trips up now and then but readily dusts off the dirt and keeps on trying until I get to where I am headed. Being able to laugh at myself and my own shortcomings will demonstrate to a girl that I am a down-to-earth kind of guy, able to handle criticism, and that I do not give up easily. In addition, if she's certain I am able to poke fun at myself, it'll be easier to poke fun at her sweet little foibles when I am more familiar with one another without her seeing this as an attack on her.  Respect Her Respecting the girl's individuality and unique qualities is an essential part of earning her trust. With trust comes the ease of enjoying one another's company, making it easier to encourage her to laugh. Every girl is different and as such, different things will make her laugh from other girls. This means accepting that what might have worked for one girl won't necessarily work with another girl. Spend time learning what works best in her case. And if it turns out that she does not seem to find anything funny, then maybe neither of us are going to click in general – I will sum it up for myself by examining her response to my sense of humor! Listen To Her Listening is an important part of creating humor. Good comedians observe everyone and everything around them to see what makes people tick; they take their observations and reflect them back at their audience by enlarging the funnier side of life's trials or pointing out things in a light that others might not have noticed the funny side of before. By listening carefully, I will learn what she really cares about, thinks about, and believes in, all important observations for me to know what makes her laugh. Good listening will give me material to have fun with as well as to keep the wheels of conversation turning. Just make sure that whatever I learn about her and try to make funny is not something ‘sacred’ to her, or I will risk offending her.  Laugh with Her Laughter is infectious, so this part won't be hard to do. Laughing with her will raise my standing in her eyes. If I find her funny and I am engaged with her jokes, happiness, and laughing, it will show her that I am special and care enough to fall into her rhythm and sense of humor. Mimic Her Style of Humor If it is risqué, for example, I will use risqué humor myself; if it is dark humor, I will use dark humor too, etc. Naturally, I will only follow her lead once I am absolutely sure of her style of humor – I will be careful to forgive nervous silliness on her behalf. I can do this by finding out her favorite comedians, funny movies, or sitcoms. I will watch them with her and laugh together. She will be able to explore my favorites too once she's confident enough that I am a broadly humorous guy. Once I know her particular likes in the area of comedy, I will try quoting lines from a show, or relating scenes that are particularly funny. This shows her that I am willing to enjoy her humor, which makes me very attractive! One-Liners Not quite a cheat code, but one-liners can be a good beginner's way of finding the right words for the right moment. One-liners can help bring about a laugh, or at least, a happy smile when needed; just do not confuse witty one-liners with lame pick-up lines! There are many one-liners I can find with a quick search on the internet, but here's a small sample of one-liners showing how I might use them. This wonderful book has 99 one liners I can read and then modify at my next meeting with the woman of my dreams. Be Silly, Make Silly Faces There are some truly silly things I can do to make her laugh. Naturally, all are highly dependent on how well I know this girl and whether or not she appreciates ‘silly’; and remember that the joke's best when I am able to laugh at myself I will pretend to be choking on a golf ball, pretend to be a goldfish, pretend to be gagging on a moldy piece of cheese when eating something delicious, etc. Or, we will go to a photo booth together, pull very silly faces and take the photos; this is guaranteed to start some laughs when I check out the wacky results! Act Dumb I will give her a really blank look in response to something she's asked or said, as if I do not know the answer and it is causing me great confusion while I try to ‘get it’. But I will only keep this up as long it takes to be funny – it is not something to be overdone. Give Deadpan, Teasing Responses to Silly Questions For example, if she says ‘Do you date a lot?’, I will respond in a cocky tone with something like ‘Not usually, normally I spend all my time on Second Life pretending I have a life, can’t you tell? (Insert genuine grin)’ I will be sure to smile genuinely when delivering such a cocky response, and be aware that this sort of retort can fall flat if she thinks I am making fun of her. Do Impersonations I can also do impersonations of funny performances from comedians or I can impersonate people we both know of, if that is safe ground. I will mimic their voices, facial expressions, movements, or even I will stretch out my tongue as far as I can get it, and then a bit further. I will move my tongue to one side of my mouth. Extend it to one side. I will loll my eyes. Wait for her reaction – do not keep this up too long though! I will tell her to dare me to do something really silly, and then do it (as long as it is not illegal, of course). Tickle Her If I know her well enough, I can try a tickle! Tickling is an amazing way to break down the barriers and get the laughter going. It is hard not to laugh when I am being tickled... The only qualification on this is that she must be someone who does not mind being tickled. It is hardly going to win me a prize if she cannot stand being tickled and I won't leave off. I will try this (and never stop smiling, or put a fake serious face): I will ask her if her feet are ticklish. Whatever her answers; I will ask if I can test this out. If she lets me, I will remove her footwear and start tickling her feet. I will aim higher – I will tickle the sides of her tummy or her neck, and see how she reacts! Provided she's laughing and happy about it, all is good. I will stop at any sign she is not enjoying the tickle. Do Fun and Adventurous Things Together Fun activities that have a thrill or an exciting edge are good for invoking laughs. It is up to me what might work best but some ideas include going for a ride on a cycle, scooter, or motor cycle together, taking a helicopter tour of the city, water sliding, visiting a local theme park (dodgem cars are great!), or maybe even taking a bungee jump together if I am game (the laughter will follow, naturally!). If it is novel and exciting, it is bound to make her laugh. Another thing we can do is to ask her to take a photo of me in front of a riot squad; or so such other seemingly innocent/natural things, in non-natural environments. For instance, I can say a prayer before taking my beer (in a bar), etc. Fill The Gap! I should not leave the laughter hanging. The moment of transition between a good laugh and my continuing conversation is very important. I have just told a funny joke or related a hilarious incident, she's laughed her head off... and now, silence. Silence will pull apart the good my humor has injected into the conversation. I should always be ready with conversational follow-throughs. Whether they are serious, light-hearted, or funny, it is important to keep the conversation going. For example, if I have just cracked that joke and she's laughed, at least be ready with a line like ‘And so, what are your thoughts about X, Y, Z’ (leading on from the joke material perhaps), or, ‘What do you like about your future job?’, or ‘How about we order something to eat, all that laughing's got my appetite up’ (followed by small talk), etc. I will stay with the drift and keep in mind that there is no need to come up with laugh after laugh. Keep Her Laughing When I am Not Around And finally, even when I am not around her, I will keep her laughing. I will find funny material to keep her laughing when I am not around. Send her emails or text messages that are funny and cute at the same time. Many of the following suggestions can serve to make her laugh and can be great topics of conversation when I meet up again too I will find a website that specializes in cute, funny pictures of soft, furry animals doing funny things, such as kittens sitting in a shoe, pigs in boots, baby pandas, a kitten being friends with a dog, or a pony eating an ice cream, etc. I will send her some of the photos to make her laugh. I will send her funny jokes about things I know will make her laugh. Either do a focused search for jokes online, or send on any jokes I have been sent that I found funny and think she will too – the beauty of this latter method is that she'll feel like ‘one of the boys’ if she realizes she's being sent material normally reserved for my male friends! I will send her funny photos of myself, from baby photos to now. I will share the links with her to funny sites that I enjoy. How to Make an Audience Laugh “The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.” – Anonymous If public speaking has become part of my career, or is a goal, it's a great idea to learn how to infuse my presentations with humor. Inducing the laughter of recognition in my audience will make them remember me for all the right reasons! If I do not give them a laugh break they grow weary and their attention span shortens and they lose interest. Many comedians grew up poor and if they did not have athletic talent, what could they do? They had a sense of humour, and made a living from it. I will read the funnies every day in the newspapers. I will read joke books. I will think of funny things. I will try to see the humor in situations, and the best humor is situational. For most people, going up on a stage is the most gut-wrenching experience known to man. But, now that I know the basics of humour through reading this series, let's see what it takes to actually go on stage. Public speaking is at the top of the list of thing that intimidates most people. My hands sweat, my mouth feels like Death Valley, and your knees knock. Even though I knew the speech by heart a few moments ago, the words have been swept away in a torrent of adrenaline. Jokes? Who can think of jokes at a time like this? But I should. Having a good joke to interject into a moment of panic can ease me in to my speaking engagement and give the audience the feeling that I really do know what I am doing. I will use one liners to break up tension, handle something unexpected like a technical problem, or even deal with a heckler. One liners are funny statements that have lot of punch. For example, a visiting pastor can say to the congregation, ‘My Boss sends His love to you all.’ It was a great way to start! There are a number of websites that have good, clean jokes that I can use in my public speaking. Aha! Jokes has jokes that are separated by category and type. Another site to check is Laughter.com. Using humor to get the attention off myself is one way to help put both myself and my audience at ease. I will tell a humorous story that relates to the subject, something that has happened in my family, for example. If I mess up, I will just go on, no apologies. I will think more about it than my audience will. With the technology of laptops and power point programs I can also use humorous visuals in my presentation. I will check out sites like YouTube for funny and appropriate videos, to enhance my speech. I may want to consider letting power point run a series of funny pictures set to music as people enter the conference room. This can be a good ice breaker and set a relaxed mood. As I use these techniques more in my public speaking I will become more relaxed with them, and ultimately find my own speaking style. Use Humor Right At The Beginning A humorous story or a good joke right at the beginning puts the audience at ease and gets their attention. If my topic is dry or serious, a dose of humor will be even more appreciated, especially because the audience doesn't expect it. Once I can make the audience laugh at the beginning of my speech, I will have a much easier time keeping them laughing throughout the talk. Here are some ways to get them laughing at the start: If someone will be introducing me by reading my bio, add a funny line to it. In a woman’s bio, after the real credentials, she wrote, "Judy will promise you anything if you offer her a Belgian chocolate bar," or "In her spare time, Judy petitions the government to create an Institute for the Eradication of Cellulite." If I have traveled from another city for the speaking engagement, I will find something funny to say about my travel experiences, the hotel where I am staying, or something similar that most of the audience might relate to. Use a prop. This can work anytime it's appropriate, but is especially welcome in the middle of a talk, when some people begin to lose focus or get sleepy. I can mention the things I keep in my "anti-stress emergency kit," and then immediately whip out items from the kit, including a large foam core board with the Visa and Mastercard images on it, and a foot-long Chocolate Bar. If I am comfortable, I will look for something striking about the room or the event itself to joke about. There may be too-tall centerpieces on the tables that prevent guests from talking to each other across the table and which I think might come in quite handy at my next family reunion. The thermostat in the room might be set so low that global warming would be a thing of the past. Noticing something funny about the environment that I am sharing with my audience will help warm up the audience to me -- even if the air conditioning is set to "frigid."  Use Self-Deprecating Humor "I had my fat tested today. It came back positive." - (Judy Gruen, from "Till We Eat Again: Confessions of a Diet Dropout.") Self-deprecating humor is a mainstay of humorists because it makes you relatable to your audience. When I share a funny story about the time I locked my keys in the car twenty minutes before I was expected to meet my wife at a restaurant to celebrate her birthday, I will have the attention and the empathy of my audience. They will be only too glad to laugh at the foibles and tribulations that they can easily imagine happening to them. I will make my self-deprecating humor work by doing the following: I will make sure the story has a universal quality to it. If Donald Trump tried to poke fun at himself in public (there's nice idea!) by confessing that he accidentally dropped his Rolex watch into the toilet, it wouldn't work. The vast majority of people cannot afford a Rolex watch and wouldn't empathize with his problem. Sharing stories about the kind of life frustrations that are common to most people is reassuring. Examples of this are endless, from locking myself out of the house, finding my car was towed away, fighting with the phone company over a disputed bill, etc. But as I share the stories, I will keep myself relatable by showing both my humility and a silver lining of inner strength. If I make myself come across as a hapless loser, it's a turn-off.  Have Own Style I will get my own style, because it is funnier when people have not seen the act before. Besides, if I am caught stealing other peoples’ material, I am going to look like a jerk. It will kill the act. If I lift material from someone else, I will credit them and make the imitation part of the act. Be Blunt When I am blunt, I am going to take people by surprise. Surprise is a huge part of humor, because it stimulates the brain and shocks people. When people are shocked by humor, I will get my biggest laughs. Get My Timing Down Watch professional comedians and I will see they work on their timing…a lot. The same joke delivered by two different people will have a different effect, simply if one comedian has better timing than the other. There is a rhythm and cadence to telling a joke that is hard to pin down, but it has to do with letting the set-up sink in just long enough for the punch line to have its greatest effect.  Set the Scene for Laughter If I want to lighten up my program, I might want to let the audience know this, even before I say one word. I will project some lighthearted visuals as the audience is entering the room. I will play some uplifting music as they enter. Alternatively, I will add some humor to my presentation title or program description. My bio, for example, can have a list of accomplishments, playfully followed by, ‘my mother is very proud.’ It has been said that learning is enhanced with visual aids. If this is true, then speakers need to enhance their talks with something to visually illustrate what they are saying. A prop is a great way to do this because it not only makes my message memorable but it can also get a laugh. I will use balloons to illustrate how people can let go of their stress or an inflatable globe to illustrate how we often carry the world around on our shoulders. All make a point and all get a laugh. Know My Audience Anything could be dealt with humorously, including religion, death, cancer, oppression, etc., but this does not make it socially appropriate to do so. Getting the balance right is important when I am trying to be funny; there are times when being humorous about something solemn or tragic will fall flat and insult people. I will rely on my common sense and the fact that my least favorite member of the family is starting to glare at me with deep malice. I will not linger over people who do not get my sense of humor. They might be attuned differently because of culture, gender, interests, etc., and I am marching to a different beat. Just respect it for what it is – a difference of humor! I will assess and know my audience before treading forth. If they are likely to take a dim view of my humor under any circumstances, I need to know this beforehand! I will be extremely careful about cracking jokes or pulling pranks in the following situations workplace, funerals and weddings, places of worship (or religious events), whenever my humor could be mistaken for harassment or discrimination, or if my humor might physically harm somebody (for example, a prank). I must know what my audience is interested in. Before I prepare my speech, I will talk to the organizer of the event so I understand who I am talking to and what makes them tick. Further, when I know my audience, I will know when not to be profane, and when to use dirty jokes. I have never yet heard of a speaker getting another engagement because he told dirty jokes, used profanity, put people down, or used sexist or racist illustrations. First, it’s morally reprehensible. And besides that, it’s just dumb. Oh, I will get some laughs sometimes with smutty jokes, but it’s usually nervous laughter. ‘How Would I Feel?’ I will do the ‘how would I feel?’ test. Will Rogers once said, ‘Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else.’ Would it be so funny if I were the target of the humor? This is aside from the fact that all good humorists should be able to laugh at themselves – I will know the difference between good, healthy humor and poor taste, or hurtful insults. I will have a reasonable idea of what those around I find funny. When I am in a group of people I do not know, for example, just listen to what subjects they are talking about and what's making them laugh. Generally the better I know someone, the easier it will be to make them laugh. I will know who I am joking for and tailor my humor for that audience. If I am in a room full of septuagenarians, humor based on the latest teenage movie is not going to go over. If I am in a church, lots of vulgar language and sexual innuendo won’t go over well. Ethnic humor in a room full of people of that ethnicity is not likely to be considered funny. Staying away from ethnic humor is generally a good idea, unless it is the theme of the event. I will make a connection to my audience. The two of us need to have something in common, so I can point out something funny in their lives. Having a big helping of pop culture knowledge helps with an audience. I will sift through TV, movies and the Internet to be up-to-date, so I can relate to people. Go For It – Take Chances Sometimes, I will bomb. Humor does not always hit it is mark. If my joke bombs, I will just ignore it and move on to something else. Great comedians might make a comment that saves the joke, but that is hard to do for novices. I will not berate my audience if they do not like my joke. Self-effacing humor in these situations sometimes helps; though do not go to this well too often. This comes full circle. I will remember the advice: ‘Taking oneself too seriously is a crime for a comedian.’ I will laugh at myself when I look a little foolish and my audience will probably like me better than before.  Have Confidence I will have confidence in myself. After assembling a great collection of jokes and stories, I will practice in front of a mirror, and look confident. One comedian, Herb Shriner, back in the 60's in America, often came on stage while the audience was applauding and the band playing. When the applause died down, he said simply, ‘Hello’. That was it, and for some reason, the way he said it, people laughed. But that was his trademark. I will develop my own trademark or schtick. As they announce my name before I go to the stage, I will take a deep breath, hold it a few seconds, and then let it out slowly. This will help me relax. Encourage Laughter by Laughing It is important to encourage laughter. It helps if I am laughing before I go on stage. It is not only relaxing, but it also helps me be more spontaneous and playful. Close Sitting Arrangement I will always request semi-circle or theater-style seating in a room. The closer together the audience, the more infectious the laughter. I will also make sure I am close to the audience too. I should also keep most of the lights on and be sure the speaker system is good. For humor to be effective I need to be seen and heard. When close together, proximity, eye contact, physical contact, creates friendliness, and one laugh becomes a shared laugh. Encourage Participation I can also encourage laughter by explicitly encouraging participation. I will always tell my audiences to ‘interrupt me, please!’  For instance, when I pose an inquiry, I will raise my hand as I do to let them know that I am expecting a show of hands. Again, it may not seem as if these things are important, but both interaction and laughter increase when I do them. Unless I am a naturally riveting speaker, keeping an audience engaged can be tough. Here are a few ideas that will make it easier to keep my listeners actively involved in my presentation: I should play off other people. I will get others involved in the humor as much as possible. I can encourage participation by asking questions, or asking the audience to ask their friends questions. I also need to identify the happiest person in the audience, and then ask them a question. They will naturally make other people to laugh. I can also tell the audience to say something to their neighbors. I can also ask audience to hug or shake each other hands. I can also ask audience to turn to their neighbors and ask them to smile, or make a face, a funny face. Or I can ask them to the audience to turn to their neighbors and do a serious face, and not laugh or a funny face and not laugh. Ask them questions and use their answers as part of my talk Ask questions just to get a show of hands Get out from behind the podium and move around as I speak Invite someone from the audience up to the stage for either a demonstration or a Q&A Follow the Rule of Three Actually that line also takes advantage of the rule of three. Things presented in threes are inherently more satisfying and more enjoyable. It is not just that I group three items, the parallel structure and matching cadence also helped to make it more memorable and interesting. Flushing toilet, crowing rooster, crying baby. Break the Rule of Three I can also easily create humor by breaking the rule of three. Roy Peter Clark describes the humorous pattern as, ‘boom, boom, bang.’ The idea is to set the topic with the first word in the triad, establish the pattern with the second item, and then deviate with the third element.  Make it shorter, or longer, or change the meaning.  Although the third element still needs to be related, it should be unusual or unexpected.  This advice for public speakers from Franklin D. Roosevelt is a great example ‘Be sincere, be brief, be seated.’ A variation on that same theme ‘Stand up, speak up, shut up.’ One of my favorite examples is from a Beatles song, ‘Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I am sixty-four’ The reason why this line is so catchy and memorable is exactly because it breaks the rule of three. The curse of knowing the rule of three is that I will now hear it all the time.  Always Be Random Subtle and occasional humor works best. Some people try too hard at being non stop funny and become annoying and end up embarrassing themselves. I will try injecting humor into a conversation or story taking someone by surprise throwing in clever random lines about amusing experiences in my life. I will remember the great advice, ‘Be random.’ I will impersonate someone or act out a scene from a movie. I should never be able to be read like a book. I will make sure people never know what my going to do next. I will harness the anticipation of the audience and excite their eagerness to let go of the tension. After all, this is what humor is about, relief. I will learn to build that anticipation and tension then let your audience eventually “have that release”. The laughs will come even more intensively than before. Spring Back Not all funny stuff hits the target - swallow my embarrassment and try again! Every well-rounded, self-confident funny person knows how to take a failed funny – forgive myself. Sometimes a joke will fall flat, or an observation that cracks me up will just make others groan. I will not be discouraged. I will learn from my comedic errors, and keep trying. Even the highest paid comedians do not always get a laugh, and no one expects anybody to be funny all the time. If I feel like I am temporarily off my game, I will not try to force humor. Misdirection Technique Using a misdirection technique is a great way to make someone laugh. The story I am telling starts off on a serious note but ends up heading in a completely different direction catching the listener by surprise. Tease about an Action or Phrase I will tease about an action or phrase, not someone's physical or personality characteristics. For instance, I laugh when my hubby ribs me about planting the carrots so close together they form a congealed mass of orange roots. I do not laugh when he teases me about the size of my butt. I will exaggerate so much, it is an obvious joke. I will use my body language or voice to make it clear I am teasing, and people may laugh. I should choose who I tease wisely. Not everyone shares the humor in jokes about women drivers (have I checked out their car insurance rates? Much lower than men's). I will not risk offending or making someone mad. I will remember that the subconscious cannot take a joke. I will not be cruel – if I want to make people laugh, I should be kind. Some psychologists say I shouldn't tease those of a lower status than me, such as a subordinate at work or the janitor of my condominium. It is always better to tease the boss, or parents, or people of other public classes, like politicians, priests, etc. Also, I can simply use my observational skills. For example, saying "phew, someone forgot to pay the heating bill, huh?" after observing a lot of people shivering could work. Make Fun of Audience’s Enemy If my joke supported the point of view of a person, if it made fun of his enemy or if it made him feel better about himself then he will laugh more. For example, when I make fun of the way pedestrians cross the streets everyone laughed their heart out. The main reason people had a strong laugh is that almost all of them had this stored anger towards those pedestrians who cross the streets carelessly. The joke wasn’t only funny but it also made the people feel that they are right about being angry at those pedestrians and thus made them feel better about themselves. Another example ‘Laughter does have a dark side, ‘When gangs or groups of militants attack someone, they are often reported to laugh while doing it.’ It is the sinister aspect of laughter's power to form group cohesion. Sometimes, those bonds can be used to exclude or persecute others. For example if I envy one of my friends then someone told a joke that was funny and in the same time made my friend seem stupid then most probably I will laugh at it louder than if I were not jealous of him. Push a gumball down the sidewalk with my nose. At my next pep rally, gargle (or belch) my school song. The next time a sporting event gets boring, draw a tiny face on my little finger and let Mr. Pinky give a play-by-play description of the game—in a high-pitched voice, of course.  Practice Callbacks I may have noticed that many comedians will tell a joke and then bring it back in one version or another, usually getting as big a laugh (or bigger) on the second time than on the first. This is called a callback, and I can use this technique, too. If I come up with a joke or observation that gets a big laugh, subtly bring it back a little later. As a general rule, though, I will not try to call something back more than 3 times. Make It Relevant Final word about using humor in my presentations-- I will make sure it is relevant. Amusing an audience for the sake of getting a laugh might be ideal for a stand-up comedian or an after-dinner humorist but it is probably not good for most speakers. If my humor does not make a point or have a purpose, I will not use it. For example, if it is a meeting about ethnicity, I can make a joke about it; but if it is a meeting about reconciliation, then I would rather not. I will remember that less is more, and a little humor can go a long way in an otherwise serious presentation.  99 JOKES “The first rule in making people laugh is to know what to say, or do…!” -Ojijo  99 One Liners Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!  I'm married too long to worry about how I smell! My life is mixed up because I missed ‘all the rehearsals’ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days.  I'm on a seafood diet.  I see food and I eat it.  I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. To slim, eat as much as you like - just don't swallow it. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. ‘Yes’ is the answer. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.  Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!  To get a man to listen, give him advance notice and provide an agenda. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Children: You spend the first years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next years telling them to sit down and shut-up. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Food is like sex:  when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. If 1 out 2 of people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. "How do you spell relief?" 'D-I-V-O-R-C-E.' How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? My wife is a light eater.  As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. God, we thank you for creating food, and appetite. Amen. We are hungry, and there is food. We thank you oh Lord. Amen. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it...so I said ‘Implants?’ The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says ‘If an emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’. What's my mother going to do? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. Some people say ‘If you cannot beat them, join them’. I say ‘If you cannot beat them, beat them’, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they are at home, even if you wish they were. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Money cannot buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. When in doubt, mumble. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’Father replied, ‘I don't know son, I'm still paying.’ Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. Q: Why don't black people go on cruises? A: They already fell for that trick once. Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road? A: Forget about it. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. There is a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they cannot get away. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. You're never too old to learn something stupid. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. ‘I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.’ If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?  99 Funny Trick Questions A 10 foot rope ladder hangs over the side of a boat with the bottom rung on the surface of the water. The rungs are one foot apart, and the tide goes up at the rate of 6 inches per hour. How long will it be until three rungs are covered? Never. The boat rises as the tide goes up. A farmer had 15 sheep, and all but 8 died. How many are left? The 8 sheep that were left. Why did the stoplight turn red? Wouldn't you if you had to change in the middle of the street? A little girl kicks a soccer ball. It goes 10 feet and comes back to her. How is this possible? She kicked it up. Q. Where do you find a one legged dog? A. Where you left it. Q. Why is a room full of married people empty? A. There is not a Single person in it. What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side! Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall? A: DAM!! A man and his son were in an automobile accident. The man died on the way to the hospital, but the boy was rushed into surgery. The emergency room surgeon said "I can't operate, that's my son!" How is this possible? The surgeon was his mother. A man dressed in all black is walking down a country lane. Suddenly, a large black car without any lights on comes round the corner and screeches to a halt. How did the car know he was there? It was day time. A rooster laid an egg on top of the barn roof. Which way did it roll? It didn't roll - roosters don't lay eggs. A truck driver is going down a one way street the wrong way, and passes at least ten cops. Why is he not caught? He's walking on the sidewalk. An electric train is moving north at 100mph and a wind is blowing to the west at 10mph. Which way does the smoke blow? There is no smoke with an electric train. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Mount Everest was still the highest even though it had not been discovered. Does Britain have a 4th of July? Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th. Eskimos are very good hunters, but they never hunt penguins. Why not? Eskimos live at the North Pole, penguins at the South Pole. How can a man go eight days without sleep? No problem , He sleeps at night. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Concrete floors are very hard to crack! How can you lift an elephant with one hand? It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. How many animals did Moses take onto the ark? None; Noah was in that story! How many birth days does the average person have? Just one, all the rest are anniversaries. How many cheeks do you have? Four…count them. How many legs does an elephant have if you count his trunk as a leg? Four. Because calling the trunk a leg doesn’t make it a leg. How much dirt is there in a hole 3 feet deep, 6 ft long and 4 ft wide? None, or it wouldn’t be a hole. I asked the assistant in the hardware store, "How much will one cost?" "Twenty cents" she replied. "And how much will twelve cost?" I asked. "Forty cents." she replied. "OK, I'll take one hundred and twelve." How much did I pay? Only 60 cents. I needed 3 numbers for my house number….112. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it take before all the pills had been taken? 1 hour! Take the 1st pill right away, half an hour later take the 2nd and half an hour after that the 3rd. Total time spent: 1 hour! If a plane crashes on the border between the US and Mexico, where do they bury the survivors? a plane crashes on the border between the US and Mexico, where do they bury the survivors? Survivors generally are never buried. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? No time at all it is already built. If Mr Smith's peacock lays an egg in Mr Jones' yard, who owns the egg? Peacocks don’t lay eggs, just peahens. If there are 6 apples and you take away 4, how many do you have? The 4 you took. If you divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get? 70! Think about it. What does half really mean? It's 0.5! What is 30 divided by 0.5? 60! Now 60 + 10 = 70. If you had only one match, and entered a dark room containing an oil lamp, some newspaper, and some kindling wood, which would you light first? The match. If you spell "sit all day in the tub" S-O-A-K, and you spell "a funny story" J-O-K-E, how do you spell "the white of an egg"? A-L-B-U-M-E-N or E-G-G-W-H-I-T-E Imagine you are driving a bus. When you start your trip there are an old lady named Johnson and a long-haired kid on the bus. At the first stop the lady leaves and a top businessman enters. At the next stop Frankie, a young boy, enters with his little sister. Then three old ladies who have been shopping in the mall get on. After a short trip the long-haired kid leaves the bus and a man and lady enter. Paul with his dog Blue gets on, while Frankie and his sister get off, and, finally, the bus arrives at the bus station. What is the name of the bus driver? Your name, you’re the one driving the bus, remember. Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister? No, but since he’s dead it would be kind of difficult. It was a Sunday morning. Father was getting the mail, mother was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, little brother was playing Nintendo, big brother was playing the guitar, little sister was playing with dolls, and big sister was listening to music. Then everyone went into big sisters room and she was murdered! Who murdered her? The father because it was a Sunday and no one gets mail on Sunday! Larry's father has five sons named Ten, Twenty, Thirty, Forty...Guess what would be the name of the fifth? It's Larry! (Larry is the fifth son). Mrs. Smith’s bungalow is decorated entirely in pink. The carpet, lampshades, ceiling, walls etc. are all pink. What color are her stairs? There’s no stairs. Bungalows don’t have a 2nd floor? Some months have 31 days, others have 30 days. How many have 28 days? All months have 28 days. That attorney is my brother, testified the accountant. But the attorney testified he didn't have a brother. Who is lying? Neither, the accountant was his sister. There is a fishing trawler, with a ladder in it, leaning against a wall at the harbor. There are 5 oars and 2 fishing nets in the trawler. The distance between two consecutive steps on the ladder is 1 meter. If waves lashing against the wall rise half meter in every half hour, in how much time will 6 steps of the ladder get under the waves? The trawler rises with the waves so no step will go under water. There was an airplane crash, every single person on board died, but yet two people survived. How is this possible? The two were married. There's a 1 story house where everything inside and outside of it was PURPLE. So what color were the stairs? There were no stairs because it was a one story house! Uncle Joe's farm had a terrible storm. All but seven sheep were killed. How many sheep are still alive? Seven. What can you never eat for breakfast? Dinner. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. What do you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed and a toothbrush. What familiar word starts with IS, ends with AND, and has LA in the middle? Island. What goes up and down, but still remains in the same place? Stairs! What goes up and never comes down? Age. What happened when wheel was invented? It caused a revolution. What has 4 wheels & flies? The garbage truck! What is the maximum number of times a normal sheet of (news)paper can be folded in half by hand? Only once. After that you’re folding it into quarters, eights and so on. What is the most recent year where New Year’s preceded Christmas? This year. New Year’s always preceded Christmas in the calendar year. What looks like half an apple? The other half. What was the (American) President's name in 1960? Exactly the same as today. Who's bigger: Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger or their baby? The baby, since he is a little Bigger. Why are 1968 pennies worth more than 1967 pennies? Because the 1968 pennies are one penny more than in 1967. Why is it against the law for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina? Because he’s not dead yet. You have a cup placed on a table. You are pointing towards the North and the cup is facing towards the South. On which side is the cup's handle? No matter in which position the cup is, it's handle will always be on the outside! You have 20 apples in a basket. 20 children come to you and each one of them ask for an apple. You want to give all the apples to each one of them, but still keep one inside the basket? How will you do it? Give all the 19 apples to each one of them and give the basket to the last child with the apple still inside it. Q: What is light as a feather, but even the strongest man cannot hold it more than a few minutes? A: His breath Q: Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by sharks. How would you survive? A: Stop imagining Q: There was an airplane crash, every single person died, but two people survived. How is this possible? A: They were married Q: The Mississippi River is the dividing line between Tennessee and Arkansas. If an airplane crashed exactly in the middle of the Mississippi River there, where would the survivors be buried? A: Nowhere, you don’t bury survivors Q: Divide 50 by half and add 40. A: 140 Q: You went to visit a doctor and he/she gave you 5 pills. He/she asked you take 1 pill every 30 minutes. Now how many hours will it take you to consume all the pills? A: 2 hours. You took the first pill as soon as the doctor gave them to you. Q: How close of a relative would the sister-in-law of your dad's only brother be to you? A: Your mom Q: Larry's father has five sons named Ten, Twenty, Thirty, Forty...Guess what would be the name of the fifth? A: Fifty? Well no! It's Larry! (Larry is the fifth son) Q: You have a cup placed on a table. You are pointing towards the North and the cup is facing towards the South. On which side is the cup's handle? A: No matter in which position the cup is, its handle will always be on the outside! Q: Two men play 7 games of checkers. Each wins an equal number of games and yet, there are no ties. How is this possible? A: They didn't play against each other Q: A woman shoots her husband. She then puts him underwater for 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. 5 minutes later, they both go and enjoy a nice dinner. How is this possible? A: She is a photographer Q: What goes up and down, but still remains in the same place? A: stairs! Q: Complete the series. 9 = 4, 21 = 9, 22 = 9, 24 = 10, 8 = 5, 7 = 5, 99 = 10, 100 = 7, 16 = ?, 17 = ? A: 16 = 7 and 17 = 9 [The number of letters in the spelling of 16 (sixteen) is 7 and that of 17 (seventeen) is 9] Q: Name all the numbers from 1 - 100, which have the letter 'A' in their spellings? A: None! If you do not believe, try writing down all numbers in words, you won't find the letter 'A' in any of them. Q: It was a windy day. On the roof, a rooster came and laid an egg. Because of the wind, where do you think that egg would roll down from? A: Nowhere. Roosters don’t lay eggs. Q: You want to purchase 3-cent stamps. You're at the post office and waiting in line for your turn. How many 3-cent stamps you will get in a dozen? A: 12 Q: It's pouring cats and dogs outside and there's a man walking down the street. Neither does he have an umbrella nor does he have a hat to cover his head. Then why isn't his hair getting wet? A: He is bald Q: Before Mt. Everest was discovered as the highest mountain in the world, which mountain was the highest? A: Mt. Everest. Even if no one had discovered it, Mt. Everest was the highest. Q: What is a Bombay Duck? What creature is it - a duck, cow, bird? A: It is a fish. Q: “In a year, some months have 30 days, while some have 31. Guess, which month has 28 days?” A: all the 12 months. Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all it is already built. Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have? A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries. Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? A. Very large hands. Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep? A. He sleeps at night. Q. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today? A: Because he is dead. Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A: It becomes wet. Q. What often falls but never gets hurt? A : Rain Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be? A : Tomorrow Q. What looks like half apple? A : The other half. Q. What can you never eat for breakfast? A : Dinner. Q. What gets wet with drying? A : A towel Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman? A : Age. Q. What happened when wheel was invented? A : It caused a revolution. Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish? A : Because it has its own scales. Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg? A : Because it is too tyred.  99 Riddles Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state A : liquid The maker doesn’t want it; the buyer doesn’t use it; and the user doesn’t see it. What is it? A coffin A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible? The child was born before 1776 Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? Clara lives in the southern hemisphere. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8." Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don’t expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What’s wrong with the story? World War I wasn’t called "World War I" until World War II. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth? The word "and". In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall in the same year? They fall in the same year every year, New Year’s Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died and she never divorced. How was this possible? The lady was a Justice of the Peace. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills? One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25? Only once, then you are subtracting it from 20. A taxi driver was called to take a group of passengers to the train station. The station is normally an hour away, but with traffic being extra heavy, it took a full hour and a half. On the return trip the traffic was still as heavy and yet it took only 90 minutes. Why? An hour and a half IS 90 minutes. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer. "one word" Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin’s egg. Why not? Penguins live in the Antarctic. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the "International Home Show". One of them was the father of the other’s son. How could this be possible? They were husband and wife. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow’s sister? He can’t because he’s dead. Q Where was the first potato found? Ans: In the ground. Q: What comes down but never goes up? Ans: rain. Q: If three cats kill three rats in three minutes, how long will it take hundred cats to kill hundred rats? Ans: three minutes. Q: What can fly but has no wings? Ans: Time. Q: What always goes 2 sleeps wearing its shoes? Ans: Horse. Q: I m like a ribbon, tied by nature, across the sky, what m I? Ans: Rainbow. Q: How would you write nineteen so that if one is taken out, then its remains twenty. Ans: XIX when one is taken out, its remains XX. Q: There were ten sparrows sitting on a tree. A hunter fired and two of them fell dead. How many sparrows were left on the tree? Ans: None. Q: Two sons and two fathers went hunting. They succeeded in hunting one pigeon each on counting it was found that they were only three pigeons. How is that? Ans: They were only three persons, son father and grandfather. Q: Which is the hardest key to turn? Ans: Donkey. Q: which part of London in France? Ans: -N- Q: why your nose is not twelve inches long? Ans: Because then it would be a foot. Q: What are the largest ant in the world? Ans: Elephant. Q: what is the easiest way to get to heaven quickly? Ans: just stand in front of the fast moving car Q: Where do fish keep their money? Ans: at the river bank. Q: Which sea has waves but no water? Ans: BBC. Q: What do you calls an Arabian milkman? Ans: milk shaikh. Q: Which is the most shocking city in the world? Ans: electricity. Q: Why Pakistani cricket team given cigarette lighter? Ans: because they lost all their matches. Q: Which fish lives in heaven? Ans: Angel fish. Q: "What has one head, one foot and four legs?" A: A Bed Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: "Never mind, it’s over your head!" Q: How many letters are in The Alphabet? A: There are 11 letters in 'The Alphabet' Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy) Q: "David’s father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and?" A: David! Q: "If you were in a race and passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in?" A: 2nd place! Q: What is the center of gravity? A: The letter 'V'! Q: What English word has three consecutive double letters? A: Bookkeeper Q: "What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?" A: A penny! Q: The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots. How many T’s in that? A: There are 2 T’s in THAT! Q: "What goes up, but never comes down?" A: Your age! Q: What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it? A: A hole! Q: How many months have 28 days? A: All of them! Q: Can you spell rotted with two letters? A: DK (decay) Q: How many books can you put into an empty backpack? A: One! After that it’s not empty. Q: "Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? " A: "Neither, they both weigh a ton! " Q: Does your shirt have holes in it? A: "No, then how did you put it on?" Q: What starts with a P and ends with an E and has a million letters in it? A: Post Office! Q: When does a cart come before a horse? A: In the dictionary! Q: What is full of holes but can still hold water? A: A sponge! Q: "What has two hands, a round face, always runs, but stays in place?" A: A clock! Q: Where does success come before work? A: In the dictionary! Q: What breaks when you say it? A: Silence! Q: How many peas are there in a pint? A: There is one 'P' in a 'pint'. Ques. A woman shoots her husband. After that she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. And at last, she hangs him. After sometime they both go out together. How? Ans. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry. Ques. A murderer is sentenced to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years - Which room is safest for him? Ans. The third room! The lions who haven’t eaten for three years will surely be dead by now. Ques. There are four brothers in this world that were all born together. The first runs and never wearies. The second eats and is never full. The third drinks and is always thirsty. The fourth sings a song that is never good. Tell their names. Ans. Water Fire Earth and Wind Ques. Of no use to one yet absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing. The young man has to lie for it. The old man has to buy it. The baby’s right. The lover’s privilege. The hypocrite’s mask. To the young girl faith; To the married woman hope; To the old maid charity. What am I?" Ans. A kiss Ques. I am the center of gravity, hold a capital situation in Vienna, and as I am foremost in every victory, am allowed by all to be invaluable. Though I am invisible, I am clearly seen in the midst of a river. I could name three who are in love with me and have three associates in vice. It is vain that you seek me for I have long been in heaven yet even now lie embalmed in the grave. What am I? Ans. The letter V Ques. If you drop a yellow hat in the Red Sea what does it become? Ans. Wet Ques. If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it? Ans. A secret Ques. The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it? Ans. Darkness Ques. What has to be broken before it can be used? Ans. An egg Ques. What goes up and never comes down? Ans. Your age. Ques. What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks? Ans. A candle Ques. Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? Ans. Incorrectly Ques. What is the question you can ask all day, and no matter what the answers are, they would still be correct? Ans. What time is it? Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all it is already built. Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? A. Very large hands. Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep? A. No Problem. He sleeps at night. Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. Q. What looks like half apple? A : The other half Q. What can you never eat for breakfast? A : Dinner. Q. What happened when wheel was invented? A : It caused a revolution. Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state? A : Liquid Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question." "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or Night?" The boy was jolted in! to reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!" "How" the interviewer asked, "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" He was selected for IIM!  99 Marriage, Family & Relationships Jokes ‘Dad, I have decided to quit college and enter a life of crime....’ That's great son. Did you choose government or politics?’ When you are married, nobody asks about your sex life. They know that you don't have one! The best time to change the world is when you are single. When you marry, you cannot even change the TV channel. After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking, and fight for nothing. Women can do all these without drinking! A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said: "We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays." A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, ‘Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now.’ The husband replied, ‘You have really good eye sight!’ My friend asked me, ‘Why are you getting a divorce?’ I responded, ‘My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house.’ He said, ‘So?’ And I responded, ‘She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!’ 'Once I didn't talk to my wife for six months', said the comedian. I didn’t want to interrupt'. The first rule of talking to a man: Keep it simple! Give him only one thing at a time to think about. A man comes home from work and his wife greets him at the door and asks, ‘is dinner ready yet?!?’She grabs him and points across the street as a husband comes home and tenderly kisses his wife. She says, ‘Why cannot you do that?’The husband responds, ‘Well, I haven't met her yet.’ A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, ‘Now that's addition.’ In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, ‘Now that's subtraction.’ Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, ‘That's multiplication.’ Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, ‘That's long division!’ A husband asks his wife, ‘Will you marry after I die?’ The wife responds, ‘No, I will live with my sister.’ The wife asks him back, ‘Will you marry after I die?’ The husband responds, ‘No, I will also live with your sister.’ Women can speak and listen simultaneously, while at the same time accusing men of being able to do neither. A husband exclaims to his wife one day, ‘Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!’Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. ‘What's wrong?’ he asks. She answers, ‘Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie? A son asked his grandfather how they stayed married for 70 years, and he said. There are three things I tell her everyday: “Baby you are right”. “Baby I am sorry”. “Baby let me get that for you”. A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife ‘mother of six’ rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. ‘Mother of six,’ he would say, ‘what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!’She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, ‘Mother of six, I think it's time to go!’The wife immediately shouts back, ‘I'll be right with you, father of four!’ On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. ‘Mother,’ she sobs, ‘my husband has only one foot.’ The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, ‘That's alright dear, your father has only six inches.’ If a woman is talking to you a lot, she likes you. If she's not talking to you, she likes you, OUT. An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm. An officer is on the way.’ A few minutes later, the officer radios in. ‘Disregard.’ He says. ‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’ A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, ‘It's my husband, you have to leave!’The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, ‘Wait, I'm your husband!’She replies giving him a dirty look, ‘So why did you run?’ Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is. A man asks his wife, ‘What would you do if I won the lottery?’His wife says, ‘Take half and leave your ass!’The man replies, ‘Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!’ A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband turns to his wife and asks, ‘What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?’She replies, ‘Let's run upstairs and make love.’ He turns to her and says, ‘Well make up your mind, we cannot do both!’ People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’. I say there is.....Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’. Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’. Since Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard. For his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.'' When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ‘‘Want your usual table dance?'' Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!'' To prove his love for her, he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean, and crossed the widest desert. But she left him - he was never home. A wife says, ‘Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot.’ The husband responds, ‘Who is he?’The wife answers, ‘Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage.’ Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!’ says the husband. A man bought a robot which slaps whoever tells lies. At the dinner table, the man asked his son, ‘Were you at school today?’The son nodded and the robot slapped his son. The father, upon hearing this got angry and said, ‘Where were you?’At my friend’s home, ‘replied the son, who received another slap. ‘Fine I was at the movies,’ he admitted. ‘What were you watching?’ asked the dad. ‘Harry potter,’ replied the son without looking. He received another slap. ‘Fine I was watching porn. The father was furious and stated,’ when I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!’The robot slapped the father. His wife laughed and said, ‘after all, he is your son!’ The robot slapped the wife. A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, ‘I want you to see this.’ She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, ‘What do you have to say about this experiment?’He responds by saying, ‘If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!’– A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. ‘What's the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room. ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’The husband looks up, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?’He asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. ‘Yes, I do,’ she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?’Yes, I remember,’ says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, ‘Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!’I remember that too,’ she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, ‘I would have gotten out today!’ During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. ‘Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out.’ He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, ‘Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?’The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, ‘Yes,’ then leans toward the pastor and hisses, ‘I thought we had a deal.’ The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, ‘She made me a better offer.’ There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says, ‘This is the first time that I know where my husband is going.’ After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. ‘Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.’ Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. ‘Try these on,’ she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. ‘What’s the point of this? I cannot get into your panties,’ said Brian. ‘Exactly,’ Jill replied, ‘and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!’ Men prefer looks to brains because most men can see better than they can think. A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life. The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, ‘Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?’The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, ‘Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!’ A man is standing at a grave, staring at the head stone. A second man walks up and asks, ‘Is this someone you knew?’The first guy says, ‘Yes, it was my wife.’ The second guy says, ‘It must be hard to lose a wife. ‘The first guys’ replies, ‘Yep, damn near impossible.’ An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through. Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live! Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, and then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, and then go to the refrigerator. Marriage is a three ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring. There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get kinky with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special. The woman who is dating says, ‘Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.’ The woman who is engaged says, ‘I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!’The woman who is married says, ‘Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a beer. Then he plops down on the couch and says, 'Hey Batman! Where the f*ck is dinner?!?'‘ If you want to know who man’s best friend is really, lock your dog and your wife in the house by mistake, come back an hour later, open the door, and see which one is happy to see you. A man walks into a bar and orders a shot, and then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another one. After he finishes, he looks into his pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks the man why he looks into his pocket before ordering each shot. The man replies, ‘I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts to look good, I go home.’ A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.' The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.' What is the difference between your wife and your lover? 30 minutes. How do you turn a fox into a pig? You marry her. - Brettmarie32 A husband says to his wife, ‘What would you do if I won the lottery?’She says, ‘I would take half and then leave you.’ ‘Excellent,’ he replies. ‘I won $12. Here’s $6. Now get the f*ck out.’ My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. What do marriage and a tornado have in common? In the beginning there is a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end someone loses a house. Ray plays his wedding video backward. He says it's so he can see himself walk out of church, a free man. Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.  I get no respect with my wife. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, ‘Did you see my face?’The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, ‘No, but my wife did.’ A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, ‘Watch out for that wall!’ A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, ‘what is this?!?’The wife turns to her lover and says, ‘See, I told you he was stupid!’ Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead. A husband says to his wife, ‘Honey I just won the lottery. Pack your bags!’The wife says, ‘Great. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?’The husband replies, ‘I don't care, just get the hell out!’ What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. At dinner, a little boy was ordered to lead in prayer by his father. BOY: But I don't know how to pray. DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc. BOY: "Dear Lord," he started Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again! Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed yesterday. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry mobile phone, and provide shelter to the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN That evening Mom and Dad did not have dinner. A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever. He got holy water and Mother Teresa. There are three kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Then some get married and wonder what happened! Wives are magicians. They can turn anything into an argument. When asked in class: Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful life than men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because women don't have wives!" Husband to his wife: "Honey... I've invited a friend home for supper." Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" Husband: "I know all that." Wife: "Then why did you invite a friend home for supper?" Husband: "Because the poor fool is thinking of getting married!" Cool message to mother-in-law: "Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!" When a married man replies; "I'll think about it." -- What he really means is that he hasn't asked his wife for permission yet! A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Give him the opportunity to speak while he's awake!" Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved? Wife: Of course you are. Why do all men ask me the same silly question? Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?”. 'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...' Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.' 'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?' Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.' Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners. God realized that man was a poor financial manager, and so he created women; that is why we have women’s day. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing. To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner." Children will soon forget your presents. They will always remember your presence. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant. Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant. Panic is when both are pregnant. ‘A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?" Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!" You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. Anyone who says ‘Easy as taking candy from a baby’ has never tried it. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day. If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the SNAKE. If a girl is in LOVE, her Parents will ask… Who's that IDIOT..? If a boy is in LOVE, his Parents ask…IDIOT, Who's that girl..? MISCONCEPTION: No matter whoever in LOVE, boys are always IDIOTS. PROPOSED THEORY: Boys are normal before LOVE, but become IDIOTS after they fall in LOVE. CONCLUDED THEORY: Girls always LOVE IDIOTS. Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: ‘I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?’ His new bride said, ‘No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.’ A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, ‘From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?’ ‘The funeral director,’ said his wife. 99 Funny Pick Up Lines! Innuendo Pick Up Lines (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. "Excuse me, do you have the energy?" Are you free tonight or will it cost me? At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?" Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them somewhere? Can I flirt with you? Can I please be your slave tonight? Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even been to bed together? Congratulations! You have just been voted "Most Beautiful Boy/Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me! Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk. Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend. Do you spit or swallow? Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them. Go up to a girl in a bar, and slip your arm around her, and say, "Hi Laura!" She says, "I'm not Laura!" And you say, as your hand slips a little lower, "But you sure feel like her!" Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No.) Wink. God must have been in a very good mood the day we met. Here's a quarter....call your roommate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight. Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me. Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside? If you have a chance to become anything on earth what would you want to become?" [the answer] you: " well to me, I want to be your tear drop: I was born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good? If you stood in front of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world. Has anyone ever told you that you have Scandinavian hands? (Uh, no.) No, of course not, that would be an incredibly stupid thing to say, wouldn't it? Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror) Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend? There aren't enough "O"'s in the word "smooth" to describe how smooth you are. This is incredible. This is the first time that this has ever happened to us. (What?) Each one of my 27 personalities found you cute! Excuse me; is that your perfume that you are wearing? How is your fever? [What fever?] Oh... you just look hot to me. I just got dumped, and I think that you could make me feel better. Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature. When God made you, he was showing off. Hey, don't frown - you'll never know who might be falling in love with your smile. Listen to this: my buddies over there said that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful boy/girl in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with some of their money? Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you the room became beautiful. When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you. Fascinating. I've been looking at your eyes all night long. I've been looking at your eyes all night long, 'cause I've never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them. You know that I think about you only twice a day? Once when my eyes are open, and once when they are closed. Damn, Sugar, settle down. I'm diabetic. So last night I had the same dream over and over - always the same thing, but in a different location every time. I kept dreaming that I was asking you out, but every time before you answered, I woke up, and I'm dying to know what your answer was. See these keys? Ya like em? I wish I had the one to your heart. Hey baby. I'm single. Do you believe that shit? Do you have a twin sister? Then you must be the most beautiful girl in the world! Way to go God!!! If God had a refrigerator, a picture of you would be on it. You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line. A thousand painters working for a thousand years could not create a beauty that equals you. There are only two beautiful girls in the world, and you are both of them. Your good looks don't intimidate me. (Walk away) You know, they say that behind every beautiful woman there is a beautiful behind. Well, your ass is gorgeous. I must be dancing with the devil, because you're hot as hell. You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night. You shouldn't wear makeup. It's messing with perfection! I'd buy my way into your heart if I thought it had a price. What is your name? That's a nice name. It's my dog's name. You're so beautiful you make me wish I was straight. Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you. Are you Jeff's girlfriend? No? Don't you know Jeff? He told me he was dating the MOST PERFECT ANGEL IN TOWN I saw you here and assumed it was you. Your boyfriend/girlfriend has got to be the luckiest person in the world. But, are you happy? Call me. I am going to go downstairs later to find some hotties. Would you like to go downstairs so we could find you? Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far? Hi. Are you cute? I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little. I'm easy. Are you? You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute. Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?(if yes: Want another one?) Do you have a boyfriend? (Yes) Do you mess around? (No) Would you hold still while I do? Does your boyfriend know where you are? The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name. If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question? (Approach a group of them) I'm gonna have sex with you, you, and you. Alright, who's first? (give the person a bottle of tequila) Drink this, then call me when you're ready. As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn! I'm friendly and slow moving! Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES! Hi. Are you legal? How do you like your eggs cooked? Why? Well I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning! Hand out phone card that says: "Smile if you want to sleep with me." I wonder what our children will look like. I would say that I'm in love with you, but you'd think I'm trying to pull a fast one. I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast. I'm leaving this place. Do you want to come? If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me? Lie down. I think I love you. Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner? So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything more than just conversation? Wasn't I supposed to eat you somewhere? Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them? Would you please come home with me and tie me up... If I let you suck on my tongue, would you be grateful? Hi. Can I domesticate you? "Excuse me, but you dropped something back there" (What?) "This conversation, lets pick it up later tonight." I'm a freelance gynecologist. How long has it been since your last checkup? (Walk up to the target and lick two fingers and place them near her crotch. Then place the fingers back in your mouth and say . . . ) I know you! Are you a virgin? (No.) Prove it! Lets skip all the bullshit, lose our inhibitions, and DO what we really came here to do. Do you live on a chicken farm? (No.) You sure know how to raise cocks  Stupid Pick Up Lines I'm very religious and have been praying to god to meet a hot girl, finally he answered my prayers. Hey baby, wanna arm wrestle? Her: No! You: That's cool, I'll settle for a kiss! My girlfriend is going to be really pissed I met you! (To a man) I think I'm a Lesbian. Your eyes are all glittering, my favorite color. I have an "owie" on my _(body part)__. Will you kiss it and make it better? I wore my best clothes tonight and you still haven't introduced yourself, huh!? Do you have an inhaler? Her: Why/What? You: Well you took my breath away. Should I trust you? Her: Yes/No/Maybe/What? You: Well can I trust you to love me forever. (hand her your phone) Her: Why are you giving me your phone? You: Gosh you're stupid. You're supposed to put you phone number in it! You're ugly, but you interest me. Wow, you're eyes are beautiful! Can I buy one! I was thinking of using a stupid chat up line to try and talk to you, but then I thought better, I'd use an awesome one……..Hi! Damn girl you put the hot in shots, wanna go get a shot? My Mommy says I shouldn't talk to strangers, but I've always been bad at following rules. I bet you're not in the phone book, but I'm sure I'll find you in a dictionary under "fine"! My sister warned me about girls that wear (comment on something she's wearing). Today is my birthday, I expect kisses. Call me, but if another chick (or guy) answers, hang up. How much? Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? It's funny, you weren't too cute when I walked in but the more I've had to drink, the cuter you've gotten. You better be a doctor because you just broke my heart. Man your friend looks incredible! Can I have her number just in case things don't work out with you tonight? Spill a drink on someone and say, "Let's get you out of those wet clothes…at my place." Do you want me to cry? Her: No! You: Then don't say no when I ask you on a date. I'm John, and I graduated 3rd Grade on time. Beat that! I can't believe today is our anniversary. Her: What? You: Well it's today, the day we first met, but you don't celebrate your anniversary till the following year. Hi, my mom calls me sweetie but you can call me John. Do you have a boyfriend? Because if you do, then you need to be discreet. There's a bed in my van. Did you save this seat for me? "Hey, I need your opinion on something…does my friend here look like a drug dealer?" (chicks usually either laugh or look quizzically) You look fun, what's up Hey my girlfriend thinks you are really hot Are there any more at home like you? I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Do you have a job? You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise! Are those real? Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy! You sure have a great-looking tooth. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight. There are two kinds of people in the world: my kind and millions of jerks. Do you think a relationship between you and I would be all sex, or do you think that there would be some depth to it? My favorite sport is channel surfing. Want to hop on my board? There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet....you're name. Are you free tonight or am I gonna have to pay? Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend? I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight. If beauty were an hour, you'd be a second. There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet....you're name. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. What time do you have to be back in heaven? Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel? You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts. I wonder what our children will look like. It must be cold in here - or are you just happy to see me? That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it? There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself. Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too. If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever. It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me. Excuse me, I'm putting together a list of people with whom I want to have sex, and I'll need the correct spelling of your name. So, tell me about yourself, your dreams, your ambitions, and your phone number. Whisper into the ear: "Sponge bath." Do you want to go for a bicycle ride? Sit on my face and peddle my ears! Excuse me, you look just like my personal ho. May I have your name? Watch out! You almost burned me...with your hotness...Want to makeout? Women just use me for my rugged good looks, hard tanned muscular body, and large penis. Sometimes I just cry myself to sleep, craving for a hug in the morning, not a blow job. If you would you hug me in the morning, I'll let you suck me off later, but really, I just want to loved. Wow. You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth. You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room. Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night. Can I have directions? (To where?) To your heart. [Look at her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?" You respond: "Yep! Made in heaven!" Ask a person for the time. "10:30? So today is June 2, 2006, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you." "Pinch me." "Why?" "You're so fine I must be dreaming." Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT! Hi. I would like to award you the {Whatever beer we were drinking} award for looking so good. Now if you will give me your name, number and other vital statistics, I would like to enter you in our grand prize drawing for an all-expenses paid date with me. Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle. You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here! It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? (Is it really your birthday?) No, but how about a kiss anyway? (Get as close as you can to the other, then stare at his/her lips) Can you feel it? There is some kinda sexual attraction. Can you feel it, too? When you walk into a room, who looks at you first, guys or girls? (Answer) After seeing pictures of you, I would have thought more guys (girls) would want to talk to you. You know, we have actually met before. Remember the dream you had of the perfect guy? I was the guy standing to his right. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven! Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living? Be unique and different, just say yes. Can I flirt with you? Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track. Seeing you makes my heart beat uncontrollably fast. You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming? Where have you been all my life? Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room? Look, I like you already, what say we get to know each other? I'm not drunk; I'm just intoxicated by you. I think you're the light at the end of my tunnel.  Hilarious Pick Up Lines I need a job! Make me your husband! God must have been working very late that day, when he was making you! If I said you had a beautiful body, would you throw it on top of me? Excuse me; are you ready to go home yet? Oh don't look at me like that! I am too young to die with your cute smile! Can you lend me your 'Get beautiful instantly- lotion?' God told me once that I would die when I meet the most gorgeous girl in the world! Baby give me a hug and bid me goodbye! Which one of the Spice girls are you? Is it morning already? Oh how stupid of me! It's just you, smiling at me! What's the spelling of your name? I need to spell out 'B E A U T F U L' 'Beep beep, beep beep' Oh that's a reminder in my mobile phone! It reminds me to propose you right now! Guy - 'You are so ugly!' (Girl – What!) Guy looking up – 'God, please forgive me for lying!' Excuse me miss. Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't really want one; I just wanted to start a conversation with you. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here. (As s/he is leaving) Hey aren't you forgetting something? S/he: What? Me! Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel! Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart. I have only fifty years to live. .. I'm sorry, were you talking to me? (No.) Well then, please start. If I followed you home, would you keep me? Stand still so I can pick you up! What's a nice boy/girl like you doing in a place like this? What's your favorite position on extramarital sex? Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel? If I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed? Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary? Do you believe in the hereafter? Then you know what I'm here after. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep in until the afternoon. Hi. I'm horny. So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to stalk you? Hi. I'm like a tropical island: hot, wet, and waiting for tourists. (Hold up a screw) Wanna screw? You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together sometime. You're on my list of things to do tonight. Come on. We're leaving. Does God know you've escaped from Heaven? Here, come with me to my place. You can stay there until he calls looking for you. I know I can't have your cherry, but can I get the box it came in? I'm sterile. You should stop drinking! (Why?) Because you are driving me home. OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! Just practicing. Are we related? Do you want to be? Do you know how to use a whip? Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no. I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there. What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?? You are just truly absolutely beautiful! Can you cook and clean also? You look just like my mother. Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me? Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue? Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you." Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it? Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness. I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven. Just where do those legs of yours end? Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous! So, what do you do for a living besides always making all the men excited and warm all over? Were your parents Greek Gods, 'cause it takes two gods to make a goddess. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room? Wow! Are those real? Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming. You are the reason men fall in love. You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once! You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad. I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list. If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice? Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before? That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed. Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good. Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are as hot as hell. The word of the day is "legs." Let's say we head back to your place and spread the word. You've been a bad, bad girl (boy). Now go to my room! I'm good at math, U+I=69 If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. Please help the homeless. Take me home with you... What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that? You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me. Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw. Do you have a map? Cos Honey, I just keep gettin lost in your eyes. Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day. Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on! I'm sick. My medicine is to talk to you. You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life! Voila! I came all the way from Venus – the planet of love, looking for you! You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. You see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute. Can I flirt with you? Kissing is a language of love....so how about a conversation? Is it hot in here or is it just you? Greetings and salivations Honey, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house. I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away! I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night? You've made me so nervous that I've totally forgotten my standard pick-up line. Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin. Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.  Funny Pick Up Lines You are so sweet...I'm getting a toothache just looking at you... Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too. Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good? I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night? You must be going to hell cause it must be a sin to look that good. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number? You must've just had Campbell's soup… cause you're lookin' mmm… mmm… good! If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty. I'm feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug? *looks and pats around her back* Hey, I thought angels had wings? I would buy you a drink but I'd just be jealous of the glass. I'm not going to ask for your phone number cause I know you'd say 'no' so can I have your e-mail address? I don't know you, but I think I love you already. You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae. I think I feel like Richard Gere - I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman. Guy: Can I see your hand? (he draws a little river then a bunny on one side and says he can't get to the other side because he will go glub glub glub.) Gal: What was the point of that? Guy : Just wanted an excuse to hold your hand. You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad. Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!" Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet." Your eyes have touched my soul Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. You are not a woman, you are an essence Excuse me, is that your perfume that you are wearing? Hi. Are you cute? Don't you know me from somewhere? If beauty were a grain of sand, you'd be a million beaches. Who's your daddy? What's the name of your perfume? "Catch of the Day? Excuse me; I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle. Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance? What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me? You look beautiful today, just like every other day. I have a cat. She would really like to meet you. Excuse me, I wrote this poem for you… Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm not a poet, but damn girl, you're HOT! You're so hot you would make the devil sweat. It must be dark outside. 'Cause all the sunshine in the world is right here. Smile if you want me!. Why do you have to be so damn fine every single day? Can't you take a break and let me concentrate on something else for a change? Coffee? Tea? Me? What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room? When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels. Do you have room in your life for another friend? Can I get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist? I tried to find the perfect line to make you mine, sweetheart, but after searching all I could come up with was this look in my eyes and your hand in mine, and the words, will you be mine? Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven't seen you forEVER!! (huge kiss) Wow, you've really changed! (I'm not Laura) What? Oh my God, you even changed your name! Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a footprint on your heart. And you my dear have left one great leap on mine! Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet. You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life! You look just like my mother. Don't walk into that building -- the sprinklers might go off! I envy your lipstick. Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you're desperate) dollar bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on half of it and hand it to them. Then say, "how about you call me tomorrow and we'll figure out a way to spend this money?" Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend? You MUST have a nice personality. You look like a cool glass of refreshing water, and I am the thirstiest man in the world. May I flirt with you? May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss? I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do. I've always been fascinated by beautiful women. Mind if I study you? Will you marry me? Perhaps you don’t know me? My name is Mr Right. Please be patient - this is my first time. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. You remind me of a compass, because I'd be lost without you. Can I have my heart back now please? Id love to wake up next to you in the morning. What would you say is the best thing about being so gorgeous? Good evening. May a thorn sit down amongst the roses? I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness. Here's the key to my house, my car,...and my heart. Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business. There's a woman like you in my dreams every night. Do you mind if I end this sentence in a proposition? Excuse me is your last name Gillette? ...because you are the best a man can get! Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world? I tripped on a kiss and fell in love with you. That outfit is horrible! Take it off right now! Hey, how’s it going? Do you see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute. Hey, if I kiss you, will I get slapped? If you were a pill I'd overdose. (Walk up to a girl, hold out your hand and say) "Would you mind holding on to this for me while I take a walk?" If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction. I bet my tongue can beat up your tongue. If your beauty was like gas, my car would never need refilled. Hey I just realized this, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend. You're so pretty I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you. They call me "milk" because I do a body good. Is there an airport near by or is that my heart taking off? If I had a dollar for every chick I'd seen as hot as you... I'd have one dollar! Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you. (Pick up a pack of sugar that says "sugar" on it and say) "You dropped your Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged! You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on? Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? I bet you $40 you're gonna turn me down. You know the Power company is looking for you coz you're so electrifying. Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.  Sweet Pick Up Lines Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful! If I had to choose between breathing and loving you.... I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You" What time do you have to be back in heaven? Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after. When God made you, he was showing off. Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? Why do you have to be so damn fine every single day? Can't you take a break and let me concentrate on something else for a change? How was Heaven when you left it? Give me three good reasons why I shouldn't buy you a drink. You say "I'm sorry, but you owe me a drink" She says "Why?" You say "Because I dropped mine when I looked at you" I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room? Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you again? Mind if I stand here until it's safe where I farted. What smiles, winks, is hung like a horse, and can last all night long? (smile and wink) You must wash your clothes with windex... because I can see myself in your pants! Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over." My life is so sad and lonely (why) because your not in it You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad. there are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye "I want to tell you your fortune." Take her hand and write your phone number on it. "There's your future." If I had a nickel for every time I saw a girl as beautiful as you I'd have about... 5 cents. Wanna go halves on a bastard??? (Non-serious) If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply. Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date? I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours? I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast. If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever. Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots. Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas? If I were a fly, I'd be all over you, because you're the shit! Hey beautiful...that is your name right? Your eyes are as blue as the ocean, and baby im lost at sea When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? I wish I was one of ur tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips. Do you remember when you were a little kid and you wanted a toy really bad when you went to the store, but your mom wouldn't let you get it, no matter how much you begged?? Well that's how I feel about you. If I was peter pan you'd be my happy thought! Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. Excuse me, is your name Gillette? cause you're the best a man can get Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are clear like the ocean? Because I can see straight into your soul. Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend? (On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes. I'm going outside to make out... care to join me? Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. I bet you $20 you're gonna turn me down. If I had a garden I'd put your two lips and my two lips together. You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine. The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my crib and spread the word. Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you. Come on sweetheart, why don't you just let me put the head in. I'm just a love pirate lookin' for some booty. My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money? You say "You look just like my first wife" She says "How many times have you been married?" You say "never". If you were a booger I'd pick you first. I'm not actually this tall, I've got this bad habit of sitting on my wallet. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet. "Fat penguin" (What!?) "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." If you stood in front of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world. If you had eleven roses and you looked in the mirror; then you'd see twelve of the most beautiful things in the world. How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice- can I get your number? God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one You: Can I borrow a quarter? She: why? ( if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why) You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. (have something prepared to quickly follow through) If I was your heart would you let me beat? Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it... then say "You dropped your nametag!" This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen; until I met you.. "No wonder the sky is grey today; all the blue is in your eyes." How about you come sit on my lap and we talk about the first thing that "pops" up! If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. Can I even get a fake number? I bet I can kiss you on the lips without touching you. Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous. You make Paris Hilton look like a teletubbie. Do you have a map? Cos Honey, I just keep getting lost in your eyes. You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can at least say a cute girl kissed me tonight? Are you tired? because you've been running through my mind since I got here. I think I can die happy now, coz I've just seen a piece of heaven. If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you'de be called the McGorgeous. "Do you want to go to breakfast?" (Sure) "Should I call you, or nudge you?" It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me. How does it feel? she ask's what; you say 2 be the only star in the sky The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name. Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel? I've got some Skittles in my mouth... wanna taste the rainbow? I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button. Hey baby do you like a man that can carry big things because I have the biggest sweetheart It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me! What's your name? Where you from? Do you plan on giving me some? Will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into that cheap motel room. If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays? 99 Ways To Turn Men Down He: Can I buy you a drink? She: Actually, i'd rather have the money He: Hey, I am Ojijo, and you are? She: Leaving! He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. He: Haven't I seen you some place before? She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. He: How do you like your eggs in the morning? She: Unfertilized. He: I want to give myself to you. She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. He: Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice? She: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share!!! HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!! HE: Your face must turn a few heads! SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!! HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out! SHE: Okay, get out!!! HE: I think I could make you very happy SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!! HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why, don't you already have one? HE: Shall we go and see a film? SHE: I've already seen it!!! HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE: So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female impersonator. HE: Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE: Do not enter. HE: Your body is like a temple. SHE: Sorry, there are no services today. HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams. Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: “Stop." Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave." Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." Man: "May I see you pretty soon?" Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?" Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you." Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" HE: Baby can I have your number She: sure... call 1800-go2-hell HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share. HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do Not Enter Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason. Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks! HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? HE: Shall we go see a movie? SHE: I've already seen it. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. Man: I think I could make you very happy. Woman: Why? Are you leaving? Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. Man: Can I have your name? Woman: Why? Don't you already have one? Man: Shall we go see a movie? Woman: I've already seen one. Man: Where have you been all my life? Woman: Hiding from you. Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?  99 Pastor/Church Jokes Enlightened Pastors: At a recent pastor’s retreat each minister in attendance was asked the following question: ‘How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?’The answers were as follows. A Presbyterian Pastor responded, ‘None. If God wants the bulb screwed in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort.’ A Charismatic Pastor replied, ‘None. The bulb doesn’t need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed.’ A Pentecostal Pastor said, ‘None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness.’ The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, ‘None. We shouldn’t even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness.’ A Baptist Pastor responded, ‘None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing.’ The Wesleyan Minister replied, ‘None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in.’ A Non-Denominational Pastor said, ‘None. We don’t want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable.’ Pastoral Search Report: We do not have a happy report to give. We’ve not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we’ve followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates. •Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods. •Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects. •Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man. •Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record. •Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge. •David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife. • Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. •Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure. •Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church. •Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation. •Deborah: Female. •Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river. •Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language. •Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up. •Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation. •John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders. •Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but loose cannon. •Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. •Timothy: Too young. •Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single. •Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here. A pastor arrives in a small town to preach a sermon, and he cannot find the post office to mail a letter, so he asks small boy. Later he tells the boy, ‘thank you, if you want to get to heaven, come in the evening to town hall, and I will tell you how’, I will be preaching there. The boy says, ‘I do not think I will be there. You do not even know where the post office is.’ Advance Notice: A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people turned up to hear him preach. He asked the Vicar ‘Did you give notice of my visit?’ ‘No’ replied the vicar, ‘but word seems to have got round anyway’. The Ears Have It: This pastor joke might turn your stomach if you are not a hunter. Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was. A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tells them who shot it. Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, ‘The pastor shot the buck!’They all wondered how he knew that so quickly. The officer said, ‘Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.’ Nuts: This pastor joke proves that good hospital etiquette can save some embarrassment! A preacher went to visit an elderly woman from his church who had just had an operation. As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed. He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave. When he got up he noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts. ‘Sister Jones,’ he said’ I’m sorry I ate all of your peanuts.’ She replied ‘That's okay pastor, I already sucked all of the chocolate off of them.’ Hot Air: My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, ‘For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button.’ An old bull and his young son were grazing, when they came upon a hill, and below on the valley was a large herd of cows. No bull was in sight. The young son, with youthful exuberance, and said to his daddy, ‘daddy daddy, look at all those cows over there, let us run down and get s one.’ after and moment of thoughtful reflection, the dad said, ‘no son, let us walk down and get them all.’ Dead Pastors: Two ministers met in the after life. One said, ‘Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?’ The other said, ‘This isn't heaven!’ Poor Pastor: This pastor joke reminds us to know whose listening when we talk. After the church service a little boy told the pastor, ‘When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.’ ‘Well, thank you,’ the pastor replied, ‘but why?’ ‘Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.’ Goat for Dinner: A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. ‘Goat,’ the little boy replied. ‘Goat?’ replied the startled man of the cloth, ‘Are you sure about that?’Yep,’said the youngster. ‘I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'‘ Three Pastors and a Drunk: Three preachers were driving down the road when they missed a turn and went into the ditch. As they pulled themselves together, a drunk pulled up and asked if they were all right. ‘Oh, yes, Jesus is with us,’ one replied. The drunk thought that over for a minute. ‘Well, you'd better let him get in with me; you're going to kill him!’ The Coat Hanger: A pastor was at church when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left church and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, ‘You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.’ The pastor looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, ‘I don't know how to use this. ‘She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The pastor thought, ‘This is what you sent to help me?’But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, ‘Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?’He said, ‘Sure.’ He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, ‘Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.’ The man replied, ‘Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.’ The pastor hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, ‘Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!’ Monastery: A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, ‘I suppose you’re the ‘fish friar’?’No,’ answered the brother levelly, ‘I’m the ‘chip monk’.’ Clerical Collar: A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his ‘work uniform’ went up to the priest and asked, ‘Why do you dress so funny?’The priest replied, ‘This is the uniform that I wear when I work.’ The child, still staring at him, asked, ‘Do you have a boo boo?’The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the white plastic insert and showed it to the child telling him that it was also part of his uniform. On the back side of the collar there was some writing: ‘Wash with warm soapy water.’ The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him ‘Do you know what these words say? The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, ‘I sure do.’ The priest a little taken aback then replies, ‘OK then, and tell me what they say.’ The little boy then replies, ‘Kills fleas and ticks for up to six months.’ Two Ministers: Baptist Minister and a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains ‘I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.’Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, ‘Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!’This catches the Baptist’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’The Baptist doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian. Now, it’s the Baptist’s turn. He asks the Presbyterian ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?’The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church— all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks ‘Well, so what’s the answer?’Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep. Get Behind Me, Satan: Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. ‘How could you do this?!’I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on, ‘she explained. ‘It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'‘ ‘Well,’ thee pastor replied, ‘You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'‘ ‘I did,’ replied his wife,’ but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'‘ Free Hair Cuts: In a small town there was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Baptist minister. One day the priest went to get a hair cut. After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him. The barber said, ‘Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.’ So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.hat day the rabbi came for a hair cut. Again the barber said, ‘Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God. ‘So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note. That day the Baptist minister came for his hair cut. Again the barber said, ‘Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.’ The next day when the barber went to open his shop he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note. Bad Boys: This pastor joke reminds me of some preacher kids I know! A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past. She asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the pastor. The husband said, ‘We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!’The pastor agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old boy went first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, ‘Where is God?’The boy made no response, so the pastor repeated the question in an even sterner tone, ‘Where is God?’Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, ‘WHERE IS GOD?’At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, ‘What happened?’ The younger brother replied, we are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!!’ Beer and Liver: A preacher once preached about the danger of drinking beer and he showed the congregation a clear glass with a piece of liver inside and poured beer inside and let them watch what would happen to your liver if you drank. There was a little drunk in the very last bench that stood up and said, ‘Oh my, I'll never eat liver again.’ Leave It the Way You Found It: A pastor places his order at the pet store: ‘I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get.’ The clerk replies, ‘We can probably do, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?’ The pastor replied, ‘I've accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it.’ Jesus Wept: Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, ‘I'm a pastor!’Jesus sat down beside him, put his arm around him....... and cried too. The Perfect Pastor: From what I’ve seen in many churches, this church joke is only a slight exaggeration! The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor. The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome. The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed. The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched. The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over! If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors. One of them should be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its' old pastor back in less than three months. Show and Tell: This church joke proves that kids do pay attention. A kindergarten teacher gave her class a ‘show and tell’ assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, ‘My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.’ The second student got up in front of the class and said, ‘My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary.’ The third student got in up front of the class and said, ‘My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole.’ Diaper Duty: It is based on the verse, 1 Corinthians 15:51 which reads, ‘Behold, I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.’ This verse was printed on a sign and hanging on one of the doors in the hall with the Sunday school rooms. I didn't realize the significance of the verse until I noticed that the sign with the verse hung on the door leading to the nursery. Last Rites: A man lay dying and he began to yell out, ‘I need a priest, I need a priest!’Another man came along and asked what was wrong. The dying man said, ‘I need a priest to give me last rites, I'm dying,’ the man said. ‘There are no priests around here, but maybe I can help.’ I’m not a religious person myself, but I have lived next to the Catholic Church my whole life and I hear their ritual all the time. I think that I can say it for you.’ The dying man said, ‘Thank You.’ So the helpful man leaned close to the dying man and in a soft voice repeated the ritual as he has heard it so many times: ‘B-6, N-33, G-52, I-24, ... Bingo.’ The Tate Family: I’m not sure if this is a church joke or not? How many members of the Tate family belong to your church? There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything. There is sister Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri-Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and his wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others. Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom, while Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot. But not all members of the family are bad. Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici-Tate. Cousins Cogi-Tate and Medi-Tate always think things over and lend helpful, steady hands. And of course there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the church. How about it - do you know anyone in the ‘Tate’ family? Remodeling Project: This is one of those church jokes that goes into the ‘oops’ category. Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was: ‘This is the Gate of Heaven.’ Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign that read: ‘Use Other Entrance.’ Hymns: The way we might sing some well-known hymns if we were being honest: I Surrender Some; There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings; Fill My Spoon, Lord; Oh, How I Like Jesus; He’s Quite a Bit to Me; I Love to Talk About Telling the Story; Take My Life and Let Me Be; It is My Secret What God Can Do; There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today; Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following; Just As I Pretend to Be Good News and Bad News for a Pastor: Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it; they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied. Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the ‘Gong Show,’ ‘Beavis and Butthead’ and ‘Texas Chain Saw Massacre.’ Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation. Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war. Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to ‘decorate’ your house. Hell Story: Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, ‘My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank.’ The second boy said, ‘That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!’The third boy said, ‘That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!’ How to Address Inmates: A pastor just fresh from Bible College, was invited to speak at a chapel service in a prison. He was very excited but being his very first time, he was very nervous as well. He thought hard how to introduce his message. On the day he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of prisoners waiting to hear him. As the young pastor walked and stood behind the pulpit, he said, ‘Good morning. It’s so good to see you here!’ Bishop Leprosy: A Bishop had a dread of getting leprosy. He had read that the early signs are loss of feeling in the limbs, and was always pinching his legs, and if it hurt, he was reassured. On one occasion at a dinner he reached under the table and pinched his leg. He couldn't feel a thing. He pinched it again - harder this time. Still no sensation. The Bishop visibly blanched and blurted out, ‘Oh, no! I've got it! ‘‘You’ve got what? ‘‘I’ve got leprosy! ‘‘But how do you know? ‘‘Well, one of the early signs is loss of feeling in the leg. I've just pinched my leg twice and I didn't feel a thing! ‘A young lady sitting next to him remarked, ‘It was my leg you were pinching, Bishop. ‘ Goat for Dinner: The young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. ‘Goat, ‘the little boy replied. ‘Goat? ‘replied the startled man of the cloth, ‘Are you sure about that?’’Yep,’said the youngster. ‘I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'‘ Three preachers were driving down the road when they missed a turn and went into the ditch. As they pulled themselves together, a drunk pulled up and asked if they were all right. ‘Oh, yes, Jesus is with us, ‘one replied. The drunk thought that over for a minute. ‘Well, you'd better let him get in with me; you're going to kill him!’ Pastor and clerk: A pastor places his order at the pet store: ‘I need at least 50 mice, 2000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get. ‘The clerk replies, ‘We can probably do, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?’The pastor replies, ‘I've accepted a call to another church and the congregation council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it.’ New pastor: Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said,’ If the Holy Spirit won't move you--the prune juice will!’ Head on platter a very innovative liturgy director, a religious sister, danced the offertory procession in 'attractive' costumes and playing the banjo. The bishop was presiding on this occasion of the pastor's golden jubilee. As the ‘dancer’ approached the altar the bishop whispered to the pastor: ‘If she asked for your head on a platter, she'd have it!’ Length of preaching. A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the altar week after week was because his sermons were too short. The next week he decided to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough, 18 people came down the aisle to the altar to lay down after the first hour of preaching. He thought it was odd, though, that none of them got up after he was done. Two ministers: Two ministers met in the after life. One said, ‘Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?’The other said, ‘This isn't heaven!’ Sermon on paper. When you prepare you sermons on paper, they say that you are just reading off the paper and not hearing from God. But when you DON'T have paper, they say that you were not prepared! Bad week! A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, ‘Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways.’ One man in the back began to laugh. So the pastor said it again louder. The man continued to laugh. The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing. He answered, ‘Because I don't belong to this parish!’ Communion. A pastor was serving communion in a multicultural church. He was using ‘Pita Bread’ for the loaf. When he got to serve to an Hispanic young girl, she said to him aloud: ‘I don't like flour tortilla, I like corn tortilla, Sir.’ Jesus visit Jesus made a quick return to earth for a visit. He came upon a lame man, had compassion on him, and healed his leg. Further down the road, Our Lord came upon a blind man, had compassion on him, and healed him. A little further down the road, Jesus came upon a man sitting on the curb sobbing his heart out. Jesus asked him what was wrong. The man cried out in agony, ‘I'm a pastor!’Jesus sat down beside him; put his arm around him.............. And cried too. Sermon towel My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, ‘For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button.’ Greatest dad! Three boys were arguing about whose Dad was the greatest. The Doctor's lad claimed his dad was the greatest because he was the richest. The other two boys said almost simultaneously, ‘how do you figure that?’The Doc's youngster said clearly, ‘folks will pay anything for my dad to make 'em well.’ The Lawyer's lad said, ‘yeah but my dad is richer than yours. My dad says your dad keeps doing something called malpractice and if he keeps it up he will have everything your dad owns and then some, like all the other doctors in town, so he is richer than your dad.’ Well the preacher's kid couldn't contain his pride any longer and proclaimed, ‘My dad is richer than both your dads.’ ‘Well,’ the doctor's kid inquired, ‘How do you figure that?’Well,’ said the pk, ‘he owns hell, and let's face it, folks would pay everything they own and then some to avoid hell.’ ‘Well,’ cross examined the sharp-as-a-tack attorney's child, ‘how did your dad get to own hell?’It’s like this,’ thee young pk replied, ‘my dad came home from the Board Meeting last!’ Pastor golfer: Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering. ‘Preacher,’ the organizer said, ‘I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us.’ Our pastor shook his head. ‘Sorry,’ he replied. ‘I'm sales, not management! Elderly visit a preacher went to visit an elderly woman from his church that had just had an operation. As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed. He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave. When he got up he noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts.’ Sister Jones, ‘he said’ I’m sorry I ate all of your peanuts.’ She replied ‘That's okay pastor, I already sucked all of the chocolate off of them.’ Clergy: My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic Priest and wanted to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going well, but when he asked if his Father had been a Priest, the conversation was over. Questions: A preacher said to a farmer, ‘Do you belong to the Christian family?’No.’ said he, ‘they live two farms down.’ No, I mean are you lost?’No, I've been here thirty years.’ ‘I mean are you ready for Judgment Day?’ ‘When is it?’It could be today or tomorrow.’ ‘Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!’ Bishop: A bishop visited a church in his diocese. Only three people turned up to hear him peach. He asked the Vicar ‘Did you give notice of my visit?’ ‘No ‘replied the vicar, ‘but word seems to have got round anyway’. Dying preacher An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, ‘Preacher, why did you ask us to come?’The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, ‘Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go.’ On Tithing: A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They past mansions after beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a shack. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in. St. Peter replied, ‘I did the best with the money you sent us.’ Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead’ gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, ‘Good morning, Father; good morning, Father’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: ‘good morning, Father; good morning, Father’ and started to walk away. One of the priest couldn't stand it and said, ‘just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?’ ‘Oh Father, don't you recognize me? ................ I'm Sister Kathryn.’ A preacher once preached about the danger of drinking beer and he showed the congregation a clear glass with a piece of liver inside and poured beer inside and let them watch what would happen to your liver if you drank. There was a little drunk in the very last bench that stood up and said ‘oh my, I’ll never eat liver again.’ This preacher visited a home for the elderly where he met this particular lady and they had a long discussion, there was this jar of peanuts on the night stand by the old lady bed, the preacher decided that he would unscrew the top and eat a few, as they talked he kept eating, until he had ate almost all of the lady peanuts and as he prepared to leave he offered to pay the lady for her peanuts, the lady said no you don't owe me anything, the preacher kept insisting that she let him pay her, the old lady reply was, I'm through with that jar anyway, because I have licked all of the chocolate off of them. Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was. 5 minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tells them who shot it. 5 seconds later he said he knew who shot the buck. He said with much confidence, ‘The pastor shot the buck!’ They all wondered how he knew that so quickly. The officer said, ‘Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.’ Three preachers were spending some time on the lake relaxing and trying to get some rest, when one of the ministers volunteered that he had a confession to make. The preacher confessed that he had a problem with alcohol. He felt that he needed to share his problem with his closet friends in hopes that they would help. Second preacher while trying to console the first said that he too, had a secret weakness. He liked to smoke cigars every once in a while. The third preacher announced that since they were sharing there secret faults that he had a problem with gossip. There was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Baptist minister. One day the priest went to get a hair cut. After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him. The barber said, ‘Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.’ So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note. Well the rabbi came for a hair cut. Again the barber said, ‘Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.’ So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note. Well, the Baptist minister came for his hair cut. Again the barber said, ‘Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God.’ Well, the next day when the barber went to open his shop, he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note. A preacher's young daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head and closed his eyes for a few seconds before he went to the pulpit to preach. When she asks him why he did, he explained,’ I’m asking God to help me preach a good sermon. His daughter thought about it for a minute and said, ‘Well daddy, why doesn't he do it?’ What do they call preachers in Germany? German Shepherds. These three preachers were fishing. A Baptist, a Methodist, and a Presbyterian. They decided to confess their faults to one another. The Baptist said ‘wee my only fault is I like the drink... yep I hit the bottle quite often. ‘The Methodist confessed ''well my shortcoming is that I do chase the women, but that's my only fault.’ And finally the Presbyterian spoke out gleefully 'my fault and I know it is that I tell everything I know. And I cannot wait to get back to town to tell about what I just heard from y'all... The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes across the former pastor, taking his items out. The former pastor says, ‘I left three envelopes in your desk. If you have any trouble, open them.’ Well, of course the new preacher thinks he will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible School. Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor. He remembers the envelopes and opens the first one. It says, ‘You haven't been here long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School; now everyone is mad. Tell everyone that the former preacher had told you this was how you preferred to do it.’ So the young preacher did that and it worked well. He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that rotated annually. Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they were the ones who made his salary recommendation. So he went back to the drawer and got the second envelope: ‘You did something to make the deacons mad and there is talk of replacing you. Tell them this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they wanted to comply, but it doesn't make you any difference what they do.’ He tried this, and again it worked great. You guessed it. After three years, he finally told the women's organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so that it could be used without a representative from the women's group being present. This put the women's organization in open revolt. So he went back to that third and final envelope: ‘You've been here about three years and you finally got the women's organization mad. The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes ... ‘ A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was no where in site, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: ‘Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank.’ An old time circuit riding preacher found himself in need of money and decided to sell his horse and buggy. As he completed the deal he remarked to the blacksmith,’ this is not an ordinary horse’. Since he has been owned and driven by a man of the cloth all his life he does not respond to the commands of whoa or giddy-up. When you want this horse to stop you must say AMEN. When you want him to go you must say PRAISE THE LORD! Later that day the Blacksmith decided to take the horse for a ride to see how good he was. While trotting down the road the horse was startled by a snake and bolted. Wildly they headed across a field full speed toward a cliff. In a panic the poor Blacksmith was shouting WHOA>>>STOP when he remembered the preacher’s instructions and let out a loud AMEN! The horse stopped just at the edge of a thousand foot cliff, stones tumbled out into space. Relieved the Blacksmith wiped his brow and exclaimed ‘PRAISE THE LORD’ Two men were marooned on an Island. One man passed back and forth worried and scared while the other man sat back and was sunning himself. The first man said to the second man, ‘aren’t you afraid we are about to die.’ ‘No,’ said the second man, ‘for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week. My Pastor will find me.’ One pastor asked another pastor, ‘If you were a monkey what would you want to be called?’’I don’t know’, one pastor said.’ The other one said ‘monk.’ Pastor Bob was a great preacher, and much loved by his congregation. He visited the sick, preached a great sermon, and had a loving wife...who could play the organ and type sermons...and had 3 perfect children.........However..............Pastor Bob always left town at 2 in the afternoon and was gone for one hour. Like clockwork. Soon the parishioners became uneasy with Pastor Bob's curious schedule and began to ask questions. They went to the PPR Committee with their concerns. ‘Could Pastor Bob have a girlfriend in the neighboring town?’Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to confront him on their own, they went to the D.S. The D.S. didn't want to touch it....so he went to the Bishop. Finally after prayer and deliberation the Bishop went to Pastor Bob, and asked him about his curious goings and comings; so he invited the Bishop to join him at 2:00 that afternoon. They drove to a high hill over looking the small town and the railroad track that ran through the valley. After sitting there quietly for some time.......a beautiful silver train streaked through the valley at very high speed. He turned to the Bishop and said,’ Isn’t that a beautiful sight?’Yes,’ the Bishop agreed, ‘that is a beautiful sight. And is this where you come every afternoon?’Yes,’ said Pastor Bob. ‘I come here to be inspired. It is the only thing moving that I don't have to push!!’ A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon. One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it. As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep. Whereupon the preacher said quietly, ‘Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.’ The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man. When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, ‘Everyone who wants to go to hell, stand up.’ This startled the dozing man. Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher, ‘I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.’ The pastor stood before the congregation and said ‘I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news.’ The congregation got quiet. ‘The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!’ the pastor said. The congregation groaned. ‘The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof.’ A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group. ‘The bad new is: it's still in your pockets’ There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting out their pastors. Every three years, the council would review their satisfaction with the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or her resignation. Pastor Smith was on pins and needles as the council meeting marking his third anniversary drew near. He knew the Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he began to prepare for the worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over other call possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even contemplated leaving the pastorate. The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president said, ‘Well, Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you to step outside, while we discuss some concerns among ourselves.’ With his heart palpitating, Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like forever. Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat. ‘Pastor Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council has unanimously voted to renew your term as our pastor.’ That’s wonderful!’ cried a relieved Pastor Smith. ‘But tell me, that' a first here for many, many years. How did you come about to that decision?’Well,’ replied thee lay president, ‘if it were up to us, we wouldn't have pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have to have one, we figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to not having a pastor.’ The Preacher and the Music Director: There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service. The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the song ‘I Shall not be Moved. ’The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song ‘Jesus Paid it All. ‘The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song ‘I Love to Tell the Story. ‘With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician led the song ‘Oh Why Not Tonight?’As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader led the song ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus.’ One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’ Good morning pastor’ replied the young man, focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor McGhee, what is this?’Alex asked. ‘Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,’ replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, ‘Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?’ The minister had been in his church for 30 years. Everyone loved him dearly but all thought it was time for him to move on. One Sunday he announced that he had received a Call from another parish and he believed it was from the Lord so he was going to leave. Before he could say anything else the Church Secretary jumped and announced, ‘We will now sing ‘what a friend we have in Jesus.’’ For those who tire of excuses why people don't go to church these are the reasons why I never wash. 1. I was forced to wash as a child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than others. 3. There are so many kinds of soap I could never decide which was right. 4. I used to wash, but it got boring. 5. I only wash on Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I'll start washing when I'm older. 8. I really don't have the time. 9. The bathroom isn't warm enough. 10. People who make soap are only after your money. A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well. A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution. The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment. ‘Look, it's the best place for you now,’ the policeman replied, ‘Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons.’ A young curate went to a conference at which most of the gathering consisted of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of the Church. The weather was very cold and it was natural perhaps that the older clergy should cluster around the cheerful fire in the dining room as often as possible. The curate thought that it was about time he did something about this, so next morning he said in a loud voice: ‘I had a strange dream last night; I dreamt I had died and gone to hell’. After a few moments of dead silence one of the number said ‘and what did you find there?’Just the same as here’ was the reply, ‘I couldn't get near the fire for bishops’. Three ministers were sitting around the table discussing how they might get rid of the bats they had in their respective church bell towers. The first remarked that he had attempted to shoot them. Some had been killed by the shot but, it left holes in the roof and now he had leaks as well as bats. The second said he had tried netting them and driving them out into the country. He complained the bats returned before he did. The third said he had solved his problem. The others asked with interest how? The third minister replied, ‘I baptized them and confirmed them and I haven't seen them since. Burglar: ‘One move and you're dead. I'm looking for your money’. Vicar: ‘Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you’. A Bishop visited a parish to administer the sacrament of Confirmation. The Pastor, a young progressive, approved a liturgical dance during the Mass and the Bishop was not advised. During the dance a young lady in flowing robes floated across the sanctuary and in the middle of the dance she presented the Bishop with a rose. As she continued her dance the Bishop leaned over to the Pastor and whispered: ‘You know of course that if she asks for your head - she will get it.’ The Old Preacher was out fishing one afternoon when he heard a noise beside him. He looked down and saw a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, ‘Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy for the rest of your life.’ The Old Preacher smiled, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. A little later, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing. The frog said to him again, this time with exasperation, ‘Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy for the rest of your life. ‘The Old Preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. A little later he checked on the frog again. This time it said, ‘What's wrong with you, fella. I said I've been bewitched. Just kiss me and I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life.’ The Old Preacher just smiled and said, ‘Frog, I hate to tell you this, but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!’ A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad day. ‘Why bother me?’ he asked. ‘You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead.’ The pastor lost his cool. ‘Yes,’ he snapped, ‘but I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin.’ Why Jesus Loves Children: A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’ One bright little girl replied, ‘Because people are sleeping.’ Denominational Falling: When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, ‘That was an experience, how do I learn from it?’When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, ‘I must have done something really bad to deserve that.’ When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, ‘That was inevitable, I'm glad it’s over.’ When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, ‘Which one of my deacons pushed me?’ Ten Things You Never Hear in Church: ‘Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!’I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime.’ Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.’ I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV Evangelists.’ I’ll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.’ Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!’I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before.’ Since we're all here, let's start the service early!’Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.’ Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign.’ Seeing a child in need: One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said ‘The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid.’. The little boy opened the back door a little and said ‘Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom.’ Where's Jesus? My little grandson came in from Bible Study and I asked him what they studied. His reply was ‘Nothing.’ I asked him ‘Didn't you study Jesus?’His reply was ‘No, he wasn't even there.’ Talking to God. A man walking on the beach was deep in prayer. Then God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him. The man said he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there. God said his materialistic wish was too difficult and it would take too many natural resources, and that he should think of another wish. The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants, and why she gives him the silent treatment and says nothing is wrong. The Lord thought, and then replied, ‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?’ Smith climbs to the top of Mount Sinai to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. ‘God, what does a million years mean to you?’The Lord replies, ‘A minute.’ Smith asks, ‘And what does a million dollars mean to you?’The Lord replies, ‘A penny.’ Smith asks, ‘Can I have a penny?’ The Lord replies, ‘In a minute.’ Church Bulletin Fun: Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. This afternoon services will be held at the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. The Little Mothers Club will meet at 5 p.m. Thursday. All wishing to become Little Mothers please see the minister in his private study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Next week we will take a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet should come forward and get a piece of paper. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement today. A bean supper will be held on Thursday evening. Music will follow. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Learned in Sunday school: I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law ‘We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!’ Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, ‘We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies.’ Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, ‘Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?’ At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, ‘I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!’ Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days. The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, ‘I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!’ Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, ‘I am fed up with this constant bickering!’ Can u believe what people do in the church these days? I was in the church listening to the priest's sermon when I saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church. I was so amazed that I didn't know when the bottle of beer I was holding fell on the floor. After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'" A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled ‘Who is it?’ And the person ringing the door bell yelled, ‘I'm the blind man.’ So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind. She opened the door and said, ‘What do you want?’, and the man said, ‘I'm here to check your blinds.’ A nun wants to be made the sister superior by the cardinal, so she comes to the cardinal’s office, she glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to get this position," she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... pray?"  99 Dirty Jokes I am in a bus and its hot then this gal tells me thrice to open the window. Then she shouts 'you man, open the window, we'll fornicate!' (she meant, ‘suffocate’)! Use “fuck” in a sentence to mean frustration and satisfaction. What a fuck! (satisfaction). What the fuck! (frustration) Life is like a penis. Sometimes it gets hard for no reasons at all. Let me remove my testacles! (I mean, spectacles) Q. Why do you have one woman after another? A. I know how to move on. Men hate criticism - that's why they like to marry virgins. Men give their penis a name because they don't want a stranger making 99% of their decisions for them. Women are taught by their mothers that men want 'just one thing' - sex - but this is not entirely accurate. Men want love, but they can only get it through sex. Men fantasise about having sex with two women. Women fantasise about it too - so that they'll have someone to talk to when he falls asleep. Men don't fake orgasm - no man wants to pull a face like that on purpose. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because they are plugged into a genius! Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Most women prefer sex with the lights out - they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself. Men like sex with the lights on - so they can get the woman's name right. Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...? A: ‘Is it in?’ Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? A: Whatever she wants. He's sleeping. Q: Why are hurricanes named after women? A: Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car. Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl who can run faster than her six brothers? A: A virgin. Sex is the price women pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men pay for sex. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, ‘Please send me a sister.’ Santa Clause wrote him back, ‘Ok, send me your mother.’ Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A:The grass tickles their balls How do you know if a man is ready for sex? He's awake. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: How do they say ‘fuck you’ in Los Angeles? A: Trust me. Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men? A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with! Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ A: She replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’ Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine. Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness into people’s lives? A: Drinking Licking Sucking Fucking and Wanking. Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, ‘You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, and I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!’His buddy looks at him and says, ‘Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep.’ Dr Bob: Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: ‘Bob, don't worry about it’. ‘You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...’ But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering... ‘Bob........... ‘You're a vet’. The Confession: A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt. ‘Darling wife,’ the husband whispers, ‘assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if...’the wife gently interrupts him. ‘Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father.’ The man dies happy. The wife mutters under her breath, ‘Thank God he didn't ask me about the other three!’ Newlyweds: The bride tells her husband, ‘Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?’OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, ‘Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.’ Turning on his side, he smiles. ‘Then we will have to re-imprison him.’ After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, ‘Honey, the prisoner is out again!’The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, ‘Honey, the prisoner escaped again.’ Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, ‘Hey, it’s not a life sentence, OKAY! Condom and penis: What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I´m goin in!!! Two sperms: Two sperms are racing to reach the ovule. After a minute, one asks the other, ‘Hey, how much longer until we reach the ovaries?’The other answers, ‘Keep swimming fool! We haven't even passed the tonsils yet!’ A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open. He asked, ‘Honey what are you doing?’ She replied, ‘I'm heating up your dinner.’– What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? About three inches. During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, ‘I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, ‘Oh God, I'm coming!!!’ Do you know why God made pubic hairs curly!?? So you won't poke your eyes out! Did you know there is a speed limit for sex? When you hit 69, you have to flip a you turn. Once I stole a vibrator. I did it for the buzz. A boy says to a girl, ‘So, sex at my place?’Yeah!’Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?’Later on the girl is yelling, ‘Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!’The younger brother says, ‘Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!’ ‘Daddy, where did I come from?’ seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. ‘Does that answer your question?’ the mom asks. ‘Not really,’ the little girl says. ‘Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.’ What is it called if two people in wheelchairs are having oral sex? Meals on wheels. An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, ‘Because I want to feel something hard for a change.’ Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she cannot help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, ‘She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.’ A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, ‘My penis,’ and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, ‘Error. Not long enough.’ A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. ‘What’s the matter?’ asks the guy. She replies, ‘I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.’ The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. ‘Why aren’t we going anywhere?’ asks the girl. ‘Well, I should have mentioned this before,’ replies the man, ‘but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50. Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? He wanted to run his fingers through his hair. An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, ‘Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.’ ‘I know,’ said the old lady. ‘I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.’ I was having sex with my girlfriend the other day and she kept yelling some other guy's name. Who the heck is Rape? A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, ‘Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!’The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, ‘My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!’ Why do woman have two sets of lips? One set to tell you off with, and the other to make you forget you're mad! What did one t*t say to the other? I hope we get support soon or people will think we’re nuts! A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.’ ‘Onions?’ the son asks. ‘Yes. You see them and they make you cry.’ This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, ‘Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?’The mother smiles and says, ‘Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.’ A Christmas tree?’ the daughter asks. ‘Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.’ A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last. A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, ‘Why on Earth do you need that?!’The little boy says, ‘Isn't that what you give daddy when his shit doesn't get hard?’ Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, ‘I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!’The other asks, ‘How could you tell them apart?’Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee.’ What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you laughing for? She's not going to eat you. A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ‘I need a man, I need a man!’ Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, ‘Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!’ Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her. Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose. Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer? A: A fuckin know-it-all! Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A: Spit, swallow, and gargle, Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work. Q: What’s the difference between light and hard? A: You can go to sleep with a light on! Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head! Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A: A liar. Q: What’s the best thing about dating homeless chicks? A: You can drop them off anywhere. Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back. Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up. Q: Why did god invent alcohol? A: So fat women can get laid too. Q: What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, ‘You're next Baby...!’ Q: Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off? A: Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock! Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love. How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy! One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, ‘My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.’ There is a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis. They are complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, ‘My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and to top it off, they put ranch on me as well. My life sucks.’ The pickle says, ‘that’s nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away. Boy my life boring. I hate life.’ The penis says, ‘Why are you guys complaining? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They put me in a plastic bag, put me in a cave, and make me do pushups until I throw up.’ Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. ‘Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?’ asked the one. ‘Well, not exactly.’ His friend replied, ‘She's more into the trick dog aspect of it.’ ‘Oh, I see, kinky, huh?’Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.’ ‘If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? ‘The one sucking her ice cream.’, ‘No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!’ Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree while boys watched. Her mom responded, ‘Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!’Maria replied, ‘See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!’ The teacher asked Jimmy, ‘Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?’Jimmy replied crying, ‘Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'‘ Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there. The Penis Study. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded it was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead. Q. What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for? A. It’s Braille for ‘suck here’. Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money Q What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A Spitting, swallowing and gargling. Diagram in book was not clear…So, madam drew diagram on blackboard and announced…’Don‘t look at Book Figure, Look at my Figure!’ Q: Which part of Female Body is the most sensitive, is wet inside & water comes out when something ENTERS in it? A.? EYE!? Teacher told Ramu 2 write a sentence Ramu wrote:’ My penis in ur hand’ Teacher slapped Ramu why? Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What are three words you dread the most while making love? ‘Honey, I'm home. Q. Honey, why don’t you tell me when you are climaxing? A. because you are never home when I do. Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. What's long, hard, and has semen in it? A submarine! What's so bad about being a dick? Your closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you in a plastic bag, and every time you get excited you spew.  99 Lawyer Jokes ‘The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers’. King Henry. Q. Why are policemen allowed to date only fellow policemen? A. because all the other people they meet are either suspects, dead, or under arrest. Q: Why did God invent lawyers? A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on. Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight. Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood. Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike? A: They both look good hanging from a tree. Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other. Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? A: They are both extinct. Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad. A: Senator. Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A: His partners. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead. Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice. Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: The tick falls off when you are dead. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A: I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? A: Cats keep trying to bury them. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? A: The bucket. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you cannot understand. Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer. Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? A: Because deep down, they are really good people. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. Winston Churchill. ‘How can I ever thank you?’ gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. ‘My dear woman,’ Darrow replied, ‘ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.’ A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: ‘I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.’ Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: ‘Okay, how about this ‘If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50.’This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What's the distance from the earth to the moon?’The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, ‘Well, so what IS the answer?’Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. ‘Can I help you?’ the madam asked. ‘I want Natalie,’ the old man replied. ‘Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...’No, I must see Natalie.’ Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money; the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: ‘No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?’The old man replied, ‘I'm from Philadelphia.’ ‘Really?’ replied Natalie. ‘I have family who lives there.’ ‘Yes, I know,’ said the old man. ‘Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you.’ A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ‘I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.’ The old farmer replied, ‘This is my property and you are not coming over here.’ The indignant lawyer said, ‘I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.’ The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule.’ The lawyer asked, ‘What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?’The Farmer replied, ‘Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. ‘The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, ‘Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!’The old farmer smiled and said, ‘No, I give up. You can have the duck.’ The District Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when he noticed a sign, ‘Caribbean Cruise$99.00’. He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river. The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river. The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State's Attorney, ‘Do they serve drinks on this cruise?’The District Attorney replied, ‘They didn't last year!’ NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. ‘A million dollars,’ he answered, ‘because I want to donate it to M.I.T.’ The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. ‘I want to give a million to my family,’ he explained, ‘and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.’ The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, ‘Three million dollars.’ Why so much more than the others?’ asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, ‘If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.’ A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, ‘Hi there, how's it going tonight?’She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, ‘I'll screw anybody anytime, anywhere, any place, it doesn't matter to me.’ The guy raises his eyebrows and says, ‘No kidding? What law firm do you work for?’ A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer's cows, and believed they would his when the farmer died. Now the farmer's son claimed ownership. ‘I'll take your case,’ said the lawyer, ‘Don't worry about the cows.’ The next day the farmer's son came in. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his. ‘I'll take your case, ‘said the lawyer, ‘Don't worry about the cows.’ Later, his secretary asked, ‘How can the cows belong to both?’Don't worry about the cows,’ the lawyer said. ‘The cows will be ours.’ The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. ‘I want to become a lawyer,’ he said. ‘How much for a quickie law degree?’About $50,000,’the lawyer said, ‘But why bother?’That's my business. Get me the course.’ Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near. ‘Please, before it's too late,’ said the lawyer, ‘Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?’As he breathed his last, the old man whispered, ‘One less lawyer.’ And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.' A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, ‘Have you ever been arrested?’He answered, ‘No.’ The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, ‘Yes,’ was ‘Why?’The lawyer answered it, ‘Never got caught.’ A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, ‘I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn,’ so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, ‘There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.’ So the rabbi says, ‘I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn.’ A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow. A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, ‘Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?’The doctor replied, ‘Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.’ The lawyer looked puzzled. ‘Gee,’ he asked, ‘How do you start a flood?’ A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of cigars. ‘The judge is an honorable man,’ the horrified senior partner exclaimed. ‘If you do, I guarantee you'll lose the case.’ The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer's client. ‘Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars?’ the senior partner asked. ‘I did send them,’ the young lawyer answered, ‘I just enclosed the opposition's business card.’ The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, ‘Hey! Cut it out, already.’ The rear tiger says, ‘Sorry,’ and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, ‘I said stop it!’The rear tiger says, ‘Sorry,’ and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, ‘What is it with you, anyway?’The rear tiger replies, ‘Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!’ An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, ‘I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.’ The lawyer thought about this for a moment, and then asked, ‘So, what's the catch?’ An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, ‘We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?’I'll take the lawyer's heart,’ said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. ‘It was easy,’ said the patient, ‘I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.’ A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, ‘What's happened to your car?’Well,’ the friend responds, ‘I ran into a lawyer.’ ‘OK,’ says the man, ‘that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?’Well, I had to chase him all through the park.’ A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour. A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. ‘I cannot believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ he said. ‘You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.’ How can you say such a thing?’ asked the lawyer. The cop replied, ‘Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.’ My God!’ screamed the lawyer, ‘Where is my Rolex?’ Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. ‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asked one of the three lawyers. ‘Watch and you'll see,’ answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ‘Ticket, please.’ The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket,’ asks one perplexed lawyer. ‘Watch and you'll see,’ says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, ‘Ticket, please.’ Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a faraway state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: ‘Justice prevailed.’ The senior partner replied in haste: ‘Appeal immediately.’ A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. ‘It ain't so bad,’ one crook noted. ‘We got $25 between us.’ The boss screamed: ‘I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!’ A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked ‘How much is 2+2?’ The housewife replies: ‘Four!’ The accountant says: ‘I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. ‘The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, ‘How much do you want it to be?’ A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ‘Love’ stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says ‘I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'‘ ‘But why?’ asks the man. ‘I'm a divorce lawyer,’ the man replies. A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, ‘I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?’St. Peter replied, ‘Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!’ A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, ‘Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?’Of course not, dear.’ replied the mother, ‘Why would you think that?’The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'‘ At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, ‘Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?’Really?’ the other replied, ‘Why did you switch?’Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.’ A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: ‘In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Russia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...’Saying, he opens the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana’s, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havana’s. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...’ Saying, he throws the pack of Havana’s through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it... A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, ‘If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?’The lawyer answers, ‘Absolutely.’ Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.’ The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. A young lady goes to see a lawyer regarding a minor matter. After consultation, he notes the bill will be $100. She gives him a crisp $100 dollar bill and leaves. Sitting back, the lawyer gives the bill a flick and notices that the bill was so new and crisp it had another $100 dollar bill stuck to it. Now he was facing the age-old ethical dilemma, should he keep it himself or split it with his partner? Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.' The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.' The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.' The fourth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...' The fifth one said, 'I like to operate on lawyers; they are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable. A minister died and to his chagrin found himself at the gates of Hell. The Devil greeted him, checked in his book and announced, ‘Yes, there is a place for you here,’ and walked with the minister to his assigned place in hell. On the way, they passed a palatial suite, where the minister saw a crooked lawyer he had known, and the crooked lawyer was making love to a beautiful woman. The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. The devil ushered him into a tiny, cramped rocky cell. It was too much for the minister. ‘I admit I sinned when I was alive, but why am I sent to this cell for eternity when that crooked lawyer gets to spend eternity making love to a beautiful woman?’Who are you,’ said Satan, ‘to quarrel with that woman's punishment?’ ‘You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?’Absolutely! What's the second question?’ A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: ‘Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you cannot go back further than that.’ The architect says: ‘Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you cannot go back any further than THAT!’The lawyer smiles and says: ‘Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!’ An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. ‘Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.’ At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. ‘Well, since we're confiding in each other,’ said the doctor, ‘I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.’The lawyer was aghast. ‘I'm ashamed of both of you,’ he exclaimed. ‘I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.’ Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, ‘You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!’I don't have to,’ the first lawyer calmly replied. ‘I only have to outrun you.’ A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. ‘Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?’ asked the doctor. ‘Sure; after the police leave,’ replied the lawyer. At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. ‘Isn't it true,’ he bellowed, ‘that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?’The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. ‘Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?’ the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, ‘Sir, please answer the question.’ ‘Oh,’ the startled witness said, ‘I thought he was talking to you.’ Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. ‘Damn,’ he says. ‘I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.’ His partner replies ‘What are you worried about? We're both here.’ A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, ‘All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!’ A man at the front of the bar stands up and says, ‘Hey! I resent that!’ So the first man asks, ‘Why, are you a lawyer?’ NO! I'm an asshole!’ The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew it was guilty. Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. Overcharging fees to many clients. Persecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list went on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, ‘Wait, I've done some charity in my life also.’ St. Peter looks in his book and says,’ Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?’The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, ‘Yes.’ St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, ‘Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.’ A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution. ‘Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity,’ the director began. ‘Wouldn't you like to help the community?’The lawyer replied, ‘Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?’Um, no,’ mumbled the director. ‘Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?’The stricken director began to stammer an apology. ‘Or that my sister's husband died in an accident,’ said the lawyer, his voice rising in indignation, ‘leaving her penniless with three kids?’The humiliated director said simply,’ I had no idea.’ So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give money to you?’ A guy phones a law firm and says, ‘I want to speak to my lawyer. ‘The receptionist says, ‘I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week.’ The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, ‘I want to speak to my lawyer.’ Once again the receptionist replies, ‘I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week.’ The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, ‘I want to speak to my lawyer.’ Excuse me sir,’ the receptionist says, ‘but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?’The guy replies, ‘Because I love hearing it!’ The bidding was proceeding furiously and strong when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand pounds. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand pounds. There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout from a lawyer, 'Two thousand five hundred.' Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.' Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!' Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!' The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plants and minerals conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: ‘Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!’ Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? One stops screwing you after you are dead. Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue. Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them. Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road? A: He saw a car accident on the other side. Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers? A: Even hyenas have some dignity. Q: What do you call an honest lawyer? A: An impossibility. Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. ‘I can arrange some things for you,’ the devil said. ‘I'll increase your income fivefold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity.’ The lawyer thought for a moment then asked. ‘What's the catch?’ Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A: No Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum? A: The bucket. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? A: No changes occur. Q: What do lawyers do after they die? A: They lie still. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer. Q. Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York all the lawyers???? New Jersey got to pick first!  99 Doctor Jokes Q. Can I have second opinion? A. Of course, come back tomorrow! Q. I think I've broken my neck? A. Don't worry - keep your chin up! Q. My daughter has just swallowed my pen - what shall I do? A. Use a pencil! Q. What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar? A. I find that very hard to believe! Q. My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me. A. Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it! Q. I've got insomnia. A. Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off! Q. Is there anything wrong with my heart? A. After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do! Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone." A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's" Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer" A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." "Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus." "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia." A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft." "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia." A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!" A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor." A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year." The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor." "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company." A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better." The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!" The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!" She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!" If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist. A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots." Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer. A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down." A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something." Are you an organ donor?""No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army." A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!" What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have; the other thinks you have what he treats. A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck." Doctor, You say the levels of Dopamine in my brain determines if I am able to enjoy sex, have sexual feeling etc. Why should I pay few thousands of dollars to do my blood test to determine my dopamine level? Some months I have good sexual feelings. Some months not. Can't I use that as a measure to determine my dopamine is at normal levels or not? A psychiatrist gives me some pills and says, 'Take these and you'll feel much better.'I reply 'But there's nothing wrong with me, it's the rest of the world!'He says 'Yes, I know, but it's easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.' Mr. Jones: Doctor, my son is having a problem. He plugged up his ear and nose with chilies. Now he is screaming. Doctor: That means he is not eating properly. Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets. Woman: When will he have these? Doctor: It’s for you, not for him. Patient: Doctor, give me a medicine which will change my mood to an angry mood. Doctor: You don’t need any medicine. One of my slaps will be enough. Patient: Doctor, I can’t breathe perfectly. Doctor: Don’t worry, I will stop it permanently. Patient: You couldn’t treat my malaria disease, don’t I have cancer? Doctor: No, why do you think that? Patient: Another doctor treated my friend as a malaria patient, but he died on cancer. Doctor: Relax, I don’t do much mistakes. If I treat anyone as a malaria patient, he always dies due to malaria. Doctor: The payment check you gave me has bounced back from the bank. Patient: Because the disease you cured before had returned as well. Doctor: Mr. Jones, I have two news for you. One is good and the other one is bad. Which one you want to hear first? Mr. Jones: tell me the bad one. Doctor: The bad news is, both your legs have to be removed. Mr. Jones: And the good news? Doctor: I will buy all your shoes cheaply. A busy dentist and a patient: Patient: Doctor, my teeth... Doctor: I know what to do. Open your mouth. When the patient opened his mouth and the dentist pulled three of his front teeth. Patient: What have you done?! Doctor: Its weird, I pulled three of your teeth without any bleeding. Patient: Those were fake teeth. Operation successful!! You can hear everything from now. Did you say something? Once a man ran to the Doctor,' My wife accidentally drank some petrol. Now she is running in the house. What should I do?' Doctor smiled, 'Lock all the doors and windows in the house. She will stop when the petrol is over.' Doctor to patient: You lost your memory so I want the payment in advance now. Patient: I will be fine after the operation, right? Doctor: yes. But the operation is very complicated. Nine out of ten people die after this operation. Patient: What? Then how come you are getting sure about my safety? Doctor: Maybe you are the luckiest tenth person. Medicine shop: Buyer: Do you sell this medicine? Seller: Yes. Buyer: It’s fake and poisonous. Seller: But nobody complained about it before. Buyer: How can dead people complain? In the operation theatre: Patient: Doctor, please do the operation safely. This is my first operation. Doctor: It’s my first operation too. 'Dr. Smith is checking a little boy named Tom. Placing the stethoscope he said, 'Naughty boy, now take a long breath and say Five, three times.' Tom is great at math. He always gets 100 out of 100. He said quickly, 'Doctor, its 15!!' Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing? Patient: Doctor, I think I need to get my eyes checked up.Man: You certainly need do. This is a restaurant. Doctor: How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next? Nurse: A basketball coach? Doctor: You are suffering from depression. Don’t keep anything with you that worries you a lot. Patient: Ok doc, I just threw away your 'doctor charges' bill. Lady: Doctor, my husband is speaking in his sleep. Doctor: Just allow him to speak to you during the day, he will become alright. Patient: Doctor, I have went around the town but still I am not able to get the medicines you prescribed. Doctor: So it was you who took my scribble pad! My brother went to see the doctor last week and the doctor asked him to go over to the window and stick out his tongue. When she asked why the doctor replied "Because I hate that woman who lives across the street.” A man went to the doctors and was told that he only had 3 months left to live. He was unable to settle his medical bill so the doctor gave him another 3 months. My Grandpa went to the doctor for an examination and the doctor said " Everything's fine. you should live to be 65". "But I'm 66" said my Grandpa "See" said the doctor " told you so". A man went to the doctor and said " Doctor I've injured my arm in two places". The Doctor replied "Well don't go back to those two places again". Question: Why is that Doctors always seem to know exactly what is wrong with you? Answer: They have a sick sense. A Doctor asks his female patient "Would you say that you were sexually active?" "No" she replied; “I usually just lie there". My wife went to the doctor last week and asked "I am 4 months pregnant, when do you think the baby will move"? The Doctor replied "If you are lucky, as soon as she finishes college. I went to see the doctor last week and asked "Our baby boy was born a couple of weeks ago. When do you think that my wife will start to act and feel normal again?" The doctor turned to me and said " Hopefully, as soon as he goes to college. A man goes to the doctor and says "Help me doctor, I can’t help stealing things"? "Okay, take these pills twice a day for a week" replied the doctor. "But what if they don’t work" said the man "Then get me a 42 inch plasma television". Mrs. Jones, a new patient arrived at the local health centre and the young male receptionist was taking down some details. " What is your age Mrs. Jones" he enquired. "I'm not telling you" came the reply. "We need to know for our records" said the receptionist. "Okay take the number 26 and double it and then add 14, and substract 66" said Mrs. Jones". "Zero" said the receptionist looking rather puzzled. "Exactly, and that is what chance you have got of me letting you know my age". A guy goes to the cardiologist. “Is it serious doctor?” “Yes it is, but if I cannot help you I am sure my father will.” “Oh, that means he is a doctor too!” “No he is not! He is a priest!” A man goes to the doctor one day with insomnia. Doc, I can’t sleep at all! Well I have exactly the cure for you! You go home and drink scotch until you fall asleep. And what if I won’t be able to sleep this way either? After so many glasses of scotch do you think you’ll still care? A woman goes at the doctor: Doc, please help me I’ve tried everything, but I can’t get pregnant. It may be a hereditary problem! Did your mother have kids? Doctors are of three kinds: Interns: they know a lot but do very little Surgeons: they know very little but do a lot Hygienists: they don’t do anything, but don’t let the others work either. Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? A: If you aim it well enough. Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you.’ Patient: 'Which doctor?'Receptionist: 'Oh, no, he's fully qualified.' Student doctor: 'Please sir, there's some writing on this patient's foot.'Famous surgeon: 'Ah, yes! That's a footnote.' Patient: 'Doctor, how can I live to be a hundred?'Doctor: 'Well, I suggest you give up eating rich food and going out with women.'Patient: 'And then will I live to be a hundred?'Doctor: 'No - but it will seem like it.' Patient: 'Doctor, have you got anything for my liver?'Doctor: 'What about some onions?' Receptionist: 'The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.'Patient: 'I hope not - I only came in for a check up.' 'Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.' 'Have you seen a psychiatrist?' 'No - only pink striped crocodiles.' Patient: 'I've got a terrible pain in my right arm, doctor.'Doctor: 'Don't worry, it's just old age.' Patient: 'But in that case, why doesn't my left arm hurt, too - I've had it just as long?' A Short History Of Medicine: "Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!" A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.""Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year." A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."  99 Public Speakers’ Jokes [Introducing myself]: to those who don’t know me, my name is Oj, to those who know me, my name is still Oj. Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell. I knew this was going to be a good audience when I noticed all the food at the back. [Introducing someone] take all the time you need, within five minutes. [response] Thanks so much for saying all those wonderful things about me. Could I have a copy of that for my in-laws? I’m not here to say anything profound. I’m here to make a speech. [intro] I’ll begin by telling you what a remarkable person our speaker is. Then I’ll describe all the wonderful things he’s done for the community. And I’ll conclude by saying some things that are true. [small crowd] I forgot to bring something with me—my audience. [If someone takes your picture] Paparazzi!!! God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers (Introducing a coworker) In your office we have someone who’s always there ... a person we can count on ... someone who does the work of three people – your secretary. [Mic problem] This microphone is like my former girlfriend: it won’t let me speak. [goof] There are several secrets to giving a good speech. That was not one of them. Q: To help you relax before making a speech, should you: (a) have an extra Scotch; (b) try to burp; or (c) try to yawn? A: Try to yawn. It's a physiological thing. [If you’re short] I’m short, but I compensate—by making my speeches long. [If you’re tall] I’m tall, but I will compensate—by making my speech short. [Flowery intro] Thank you for that wonderful introduction. I wish I could figure out who you have me confused with. Just the fact that people do not understand me does not make me an artist. [hot room] I haven't sweated this much since my tax audit. Now I'd like to open the floor to questions. And since they never get a chance to speak, why don't we start with the married men? Q. Do you know any foreign language? A. Well, I know a little Greek . . . his name is Nick." I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I'll ever need. .. . If I die tomorrow. No matter how much the boss likes you, if you work in a bank you cannot bring home samples. If you'd lose a troublesome visitor, lend him money. My girlfriend can smell another woman perfume on me from outside the house, but she burns food all the time. Where large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable to trust nobody. Agatha Christie Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. "I don't like to talk bad about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places." "I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough." "I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time." 'It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog. ' "I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting." "I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping." "How many of you believe there’s something you can do in the next three weeks that would make your personal life, your family life, your business life worse?" "How many of you believe there’s something you can do to make your personal, family and business life better within the next three weeks?" The best way to keep money in perspective is to have some. Louis Rukeyser "I must have a big of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." "When I was in school I used to answer hard questions quickly. I would quickly say, I don’t know." "It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected." "My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it." "No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon." "Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again." "When angry, count to four; when very angry; break something, more preferably a human bone." "When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not." "When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old." Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."" The great rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you. Money cannot buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. Men often choose greetings cards with plenty of words inside. That way, there's less space for them to write. Banking is so competitive it's now possible to borrow money to put in a savings account. Banks are really pushing savings accounts. A bandit robbed a bank of $2000.00 the other day and the teller tried to talk him into opening into an account. ‘Beaten to the draw’ That’s what the bank teller told the husband that his wife had just done to his account. ‘I hear the bank is looking for a cashier.’ Thought they just hired one a week ago?’That's the one they are looking for.’ Bankers are just like anybody else, except richer. Ogden Nash Last week I got a $5000 home improvement loan from my bank. I'm sending the kids to college. I never knew why banks called them ‘personal loans. ‘I missed three payments and boy did they get personal. Be careful of those calendars banks give you to help you keep track of your payments. I saw one with 16 months on it. A robber shoved a note under a bank teller's window which said, ‘I've got you covered. Hand over all the money in the cage and don't say a word.’ The teller opened the cash drawer and wrote something down. Then he closed the drawer and returned the note to the robber. On the back he had written, ‘Kindly go to the next window; I'm on my lunch hour.’ A man went in to a bank on his hands and knees begging for a loan so he could feed his family. The banker OK'd the loan and said, ‘I suggest you go right out and buy some food.’ The man said, ‘Don't tell me what to do with my money!’ ‘I hear you're really going after the guy who robbed the bank yesterday.’ You bet. If he wanted to steal, why didn't he work his way up in the bank like I did!’ A bank is a dignified institution that was established for people to have a place to keep the government's money until tax time. Why are there bank robbers? Bank ads make it seem like it's easier to just walk in and get a loan. I must have a dishonest face. The bank asks me for ID when I deposit money. A young college grad applied for a job with a bank. The personnel officer asked, ‘What kind of job do you want?’I'll take vice-president for a start.’ ‘We already have twelve vice presidents.’ ‘That's OK. I'm not superstitious.’ If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers? Banking is just like our government. a system of checks and balances. If you want to cash a check, you have to have a balance. A woman came up with a great idea for her husband, telling him, ‘Why don't we borrow a little money every month and set that aside?’ A guy walked into a bank and said, ‘I want to open a joint account with somebody who has money.’ I just went partners with my bank. They own half my car. A bank employee took fifty thousand dollars from the vaults, stole a car and ran away with his best friend's wife. The town had a tough time trying to find someone who could teach his Sunday school class. A man went to a bank for a loan, saying he wanted it only until he could get a credit card. A young man became interested in, and then married a young lady because he'd heard that her father owned a bank and his health was failing. Then the young man learned the father was healthy. It was the bank that was failing. A bank finally came up with instant credit. You just add money. A bank called a man and asks him to return the money he'd borrowed. The man said I cannot. I haven't finished with it yet. He's a retired banker. A judge retired him. One bank opened a branch near a cemetery. In the window the president put a sign that read, ‘You cannot take it with you when you go, but here's a chance to be near it.’ Broke, a bank closed its doors to shut out a rush of its depositors. One man stood in front of the large glass doors and yelled for all to hear, ‘They ought to throw the bank president in jail. They ought to take the whole board of trustees and hang them from the nearest tree. Every person who works in the bank should be tarred and feathered and run out of town!’A policeman asks, ‘Is your money in that bank?’The man says, ‘If I had money in that bank, would I be taking it this lightly?’ I prefer automated tellers to real ones. They usually have more personality. It's unfortunate that the person who writes the banks advertising doesn't also approve the loans. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain and Robert Frost Ad for a bank: Don't borrow from your friends borrow from us. You'll lose your friends. You'll never lose us. A bank robber opened the safe with his toes just so he could drive the fingerprint experts crazy. My wife had an accident at the bank. She got in the wrong line and made a deposit. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal ideas from many people is research. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. Better to understand a little, than misunderstand a lot. Why is abbreviation such a long word? 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. All generalizations are false. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. It’s always darkest before dawn, so if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. No one is listening until you make a mistake Okay... Who put a stop on my reality check! Always try to be modest and be proud of it! Don’t be irreplaceable; If you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I’m writing a book, I’ve got the page numbers done. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else Don’t take like too seriously, you won’t get out alive. Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. He is now rising from affluence to poverty. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. Angry teacher: `pupil, why are u staring at the idiot outside when am here!!` Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you. ‘There are always three speeches, for every one you actually gave. The one you practiced, the one you gave, and the one you wish you gave.‘ ‘According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.’ ‘Speeches to an hourglass, Do some resemblance show, Because the longer time they run, The shallower they grow. ‘It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech’ ‘Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between. ‘ ‘Why doesn’t the fellow, who says, ‘I’m not a good speechmaker,’ let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration?’ ‘Be sincere; be brief; be seated’ ‘Always be shorter than anyone dared to hope’ ‘Oratory is the power to talk people out of their sober and natural opinions’ ‘Let thy speech be better than silence, or be silent.’ ‘If you cannot write your message in a sentence, you cannot say it in an hour.’ ‘Once you get people laughing, they are listening and you can tell them almost anything’ ‘Say not always what you know, but always know what you say’ ‘The best way to sound like you know what you're talking about is to know what you're talking about. ‘He who wants to persuade should put his trust not in the right argument, but in the right word. The power of sound has always been greater than the power of sense. ‘ ‘Much speech is one thing, well-timed speech is another. ‘ ‘The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops, until you stand up to speak in public.’ ‘What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say’ Ralph Waldo Emerson ‘It takes one hour of preparation for each minute of presentation’ You have heard it said before that this speaker needs no introduction. Well, I have heard him and he needs all the introduction he can get. Our speaker needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion. I will not bore you with a long speech... I can do it with a short one You've been a wonderful audience...you stayed.  99 Yo Mama Jokes 99 Yo Mama So Ugly… when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals' she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure! minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!’ and her Poppa said ‘Yes, now let's go and bury her...’ your Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye... we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her. your Father first met her at the Zoo. her shadow gave up. people at the Zoo pay cash so they Don’t have to see her... her mom had to be drunk just to breast feed her. when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows. hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats. they gave her a middle name...'accident'. when she was born the Doc smacked her face. Yo Mama So Stupid I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder... it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, ‘Wow, it comes with cable too!’ she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken. she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death. she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb. she invented a silent car alarm. she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes. she was born on Halloween and cannot remember her birthday. she lost her shadow. she somehow got fired from a Blow Job she thought Hot Meals were stolen food. she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners. when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'  Your Mama So Fat when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'... folk exercise by jogging around her! small objects orbit her. when she farted she launched herself into orbit. when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol! the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity. her belt size is Equator. she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her she shows up on radar. she needs a map to find her butt. she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck! she wears an asteroid belt. her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf' she has TB ... 2 bellys. she's once, twice, three times a lady. she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. the circus use her as a trampoline stunt agencies use her as an air mattress when she opens the Fridge it says ‘I give up...' she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding! she deep fries her toothpaste. Yo Moma So Poor your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk. they put her photo on food stamps. burglars break into her home and leave money. the building society repossessed her cardboard box. when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied. I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied ‘Pick a corner...ANY corner...’ I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed ‘Who’s tearing down the drapes!!!!’ I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said ‘Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right...’ only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted... when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered ‘Lost a shoe?’, and she said ‘Nope...just found one...’ she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry. I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying ‘Who knocked???’ I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence. when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she growled, ‘Don't use the good china’  Yo Moma So Old she left her purse on Noah's Ark. Jurassic Park brought back the memories... she still owes Moses a dollar. when she was at school...there was No history class! she co-wrote the 4th Commandment. when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock she even made Yoda jealous. she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch. she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade her first job was as Cain and Abel's babysitter. her birthday expired. when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side! she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments. Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs. Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got Roman Numerals on her birth certificate. even the dogs won't smell her. her poo is glad to escape.  Yo Momma Like a hardware store only 10 cents a screw. a bus only 50 pence a ride a 747 a 3 man cock pits! a shotgun first she cocks...then she blows. a Hoover she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet... a phonebox on every damn corner and costs only 20p a go an arcade machine dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence and lasts 30 seconds a door knob cos everybody gets a turn! the sun if you stare at her too long you're gonna go blind. a Christmas tree everybody hangs balls on her. Pizza Hut not there in 30 minutes...it's free. a Bowling Ball she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more... a stamp you lick her, then stick her, and finally then send her away. McDonalds ... Billions and Billions served... a railroad track she gets laid all over the country. a Scooter everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it peanut butter oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.  99 Silly Questions Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river cannot fill it up. What is it? A kitchen strainer. What goes up and never comes down? Your age. What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To cover cows. What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and put in tarts? Rhubarb. What has feet and legs, and nothing else? Stockings What is the moon worth? $1, because it has 4 quarters. What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks? A candle. What stays where it is when it goes off? An alarm clock You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, 'til you call me again. What am I? An echo There is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin, and another man walks in and asks, who's in the coffin. The first man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's father is my fathers son. Who's in the coffin? His son There are 2 guards. One tells the truth and one lies. There are also 2 doors. One leads to Heaven and the other leads to the devils playground. One guard is in front of each door. You can only ask the guards ONE question and you have to ask the same question to both guards. What you are trying to find out is which door leads to Heaven and which door leads to the devil's playground. Ask each one ‘What will the other one say is the door to heaven?’They should answer the same. Go in the opposite door they say. Two boxers are in a boxing match (regular boxing, not kick boxing). The fight is scheduled for 12 rounds but ends after 6 rounds, after one boxer knocks out the other boxer. Yet no man throws a punch. How is this possible? They were women boxing. A farmer had seventeen sheep, all but nine died, how many did he have left? 9 A man builds a house with all 4 sides facing south. A bear walks past the house. What color is the bear? Probably a white Polar Bear in the North Pole. A skin has me, more eyes than one. I can be very nice when I am done. What am I? A potato A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth? Mt. Everest Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California? No, he's dead Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? She lived in the southern hemisphere. He has married many women, but has never been married. Who is he? A preacher. How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark? Moses didn’t make the ark, Noah did. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25? Once, because after you subtract it's not 25 anymore. How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide? There is no dirt in a hole. I know a word of letters three; add two and fewer there will be. Few If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch? Roosters don't lay eggs. If two's company and three's a crowd, what are four and five? 9 If you were in a dark room with a candle, a woodstove, a match and a gas lamp which do you light first? The match If you were standing directly on Antarctica South Pole facing north, which direction would you travel if you took one step backward? North Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one? No, I'd rather have $100 bill than a new $1 bill. No sooner spoken than broken. What is it? Silence or a promise. Some months have 30 days; some months have 31 days; how many have 28? Every month has at least 28 days. Take off my skin I won't cry, but you will! What am I? An onion. The more it dries, the wetter it gets. What is it? A towel. The more you take, the more you leave behind. What are they? Foot steps. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh? Meat What can burn the eyes, sting the mouth, yet be consumed? Peppers What can go up a chimney down but cannot go down a chimney up? An umbrella. What can go up and come down without moving? The temperature. What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? The Earth. What can you catch but not throw? A cold. What crime is punishable if attempted, but is not punishable if committed? Suicide What do the numbers 11, 69, and 88 all have in common? They can all be flipped and still be the same. What do you serve that you cannot eat? A tennis ball or guests. What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it? A fishing line. What goes up white and comes down yellow? An egg. What grows up while growing down? A plant. What one word has the most letters in it? Alphabet. What starts with a T, ends with a T, and has T in it? A teapot. What travels around the world yet stays in one corner? A stamp. What two words contain the most letters? post office What's the difference between here and there? The letter T. Which is correct to say, ‘The yolk of the egg are white,’ or ‘The yolk of the egg is white????? ?’Neither, because egg yolks are yellow. Which moves faster: heat or cold? Heat, because you can catch a cold. You answer me, although I never ask you questions. What am I? The telephone. You cannot keep this until you have given it. Your word. There is $21.00 in 1 dollar bills that has to be split evenly among the 2 fathers and 2 sons. How is this possible? There are only really three people...a grandfather, the father, and the father's son who each get $7. A Man walked up to his house and he heard his wife scream ‘John Don't do it! ‘and the man ran inside and saw his wife, dead on the floor. Around her was a Baker, Milkman, and a Doctor. The man goes up to the Milkman and says ‘U did It!’ How did the man know he did it? The baker and the doctor were both women and John the milkman was the only guy. What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink? A pink carnation. There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it? A Window What question can someone ask all day long, always get completely different answers, and yet all the answers could be correct? ‘What time is it?’ In a certain city, 5% of all the persons in town have unlisted phone numbers. If you select 100 names at random from that city's phone directory, how many people selected will have unlisted phone numbers? None. If their names are in the phone directory, they do not have unlisted phone numbers! There is a horse tied to a rope. The rope is 10 feet long. There is a bale of hay 23 feet in front of the horse. The horse is able to eat the hay, yet does not break the rope. How is that possible? The rope isn't tied to anything! After a man had been blindfolded, someone hung up his hat. The man walked 100 yards, turned around, and shot a bullet through his hat. How is such a feat possible? His hat was hung over the barrel of the rifle! At a posh restaurant I was having dinner with a noted historian. We were discussing the relative merits of Woodrow Wilson, when my friend turned to me and said, ‘I'll tell you all you need to know about the character of Woodrow Wilson. Why when he ran for president, his own mother didn't even vote for him!’Is that true?’ I asked. ‘Of course, it's true, ‘he said. ‘I know whereof I speak.’ That ended the discussion. I didn't realize until I got home, although my friend spoke the truth, I had been tricked. How had I been mislead? Of course Woodrow Wilson's mother did not vote for her son. She couldn't. Women didn't have the right to vote before 1920. How is it possible to shave three times a day and still grow a beard? If you were a barber, you could shave other men three times a day and still grow your own beard. A man fell off a 20 foot ladder and landed on the sidewalk, but he did not get hurt. Why not? He fell off the bottom rung! Which is correct: 18 plus 19 is 36. Or 18 plus 19 is 36? Actually neither is correct 18 plus 19 is 37! Is it physically possible for you to stand behind your mother, and for your mother to stand behind you at the same time? Yes, if you stand back to back. In a marathon race what does the winning runner lose? Their breath! Why didn't Beethoven finish the Unfinished Symphony? The Unfinished Symphony was started by Schubert, not Beethoven! What has holes but holds water? A sponge David's father has three sons: Snap, Crackle and _____? David What is harder to catch the faster you run? Your breath! What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time, and the beginning of every ending? The letter ‘E’. What do some men have they don't want, but would not part it for a million dollars? A bald head. A hundred feet in the air, but it's back is on the ground. What is it? A centipede flipped over. A father's child, a mother's child, yet no one's son. A Daughter. Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I? Forward I am ton, backwards I am not. What do you fill with empty hands? Gloves What has a foot on each side and one in the middle? A yardstick. What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint. What object has keys that open no locks, space but no room, and you can enter but not go in A computer keyboard? Mary left on a horse on Sunday, was gone for four days, and came back on Sunday. How did that happen? The horse's name was Sunday! What is once in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in a thousand years? The letter M. What gets larger as you take more from it? A hole. If a train was on its way to Florida and it tipped over, where would they bury the survivors? They wouldn't need to, the survivors are still alive! If you are in a one story house that is all blue, what color are the stairs? There are no stairs! It’s a one story house! If you are in a room with no doors or no windows and you have a ball and a bat, how do you get out? Three strikes your out! The maker doesn't want it. The buyer doesn't use it. And the user doesn't see it. What is it? A coffin. Four men sat down to play, they played all night 'till break of day, and they played for gold and not for fun with separate scores for everyone. When they came to square accounts, they all had made quite fair amounts. Can you the paradox explain, if no one lost, how could all gain? They were not playing against each other. In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back. What is it? A bullet in a revolver What can be swallowed, but can also swallow you? Pride What's better than the best thing and worse than the worst thing? Literally, the word NOTHING What two things can you never eat for breakfast? Lunch and Dinner Why is it so easy to weigh fish? Because they have scales! What kind of nut has no shell? A doughnut.  99 ‘Stupid’ Statements! Always forgive your enemies; Nothing annoys them so much. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money!) Death is hereditary. There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at met for hours. If you cannot see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. Where There is a will, there are five hundred relatives. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, ‘Where the heck is the ceiling?’ My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck to the leg of a chicken!!! Q: What gets bigger the more you take away? A: A hole! Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken!! What gets wet the more you dry? A towel!! Question: What has 4 wheels and flies? Ans: garbage truck! Can you answer this? If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors? Why do candle trimmers work so few days a week? They only work on wickends! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!!! (Q) Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers How do you know if There is an elephant under your bed? You bump your nose on the ceiling!! Doctor, doctor I keep on lying. That's not true! What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it just waved! What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? Get dressed up, the doctor is taking us out! Question: What is greater than god? What is more evil than the devil? The poor has it, The rich need it, If you eat it you will die. What is it? Answer: Nothing Q: What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk? A: Chocolate chimp cookies. Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers? A: French flies. Q: What is a little dog's favorite drink? A: Pupsicola. Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? A: He's all right now! What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies! Q: What do monsters make with cars? A: Traffic Jam Q: What do you call the elephant witch doctor? A: Mumbo Jumbo If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it? A secret. The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it? Darkness What book was once owned by only the wealthy, but now everyone can have it? You cannot buy it in a bookstore or take it from a library. A telephone book. What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets? A chalkboard What has no beginning, end, or middle? A doughnut. What has to be broken before it can be used? An egg. What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose? Work Employment How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick? Only one, the last one. What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else? Your mind. If North is West, and South is North, then when does the wind blow East? What is the square route of Orange? If a triangle is happy, and a circle is sad, then what is a rectangle? If a dog travels into the future and bites his own tail, when does he feel it? If a man can talk to himself, then can a shadow cast a shadow? If yellow is 3, and blue is 7, then what number is brown? What is half of Tuesday? If a bird eats a frog and chokes to death, then who killed who? In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution? From which animal are the Canary Islands in the Atlantic Ocean named after? What was King George VI's first name? What color is a purple finch? How long did the Hundred Years War last? Which country makes Panama hats? Why do people say no offence, just before they offend you? Where are Chinese gooseberries from? If a pregnant bull has twins, how many calves will it have? A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor. My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it. I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Yes. Run for public office. I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. So would I. What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Night and day.  99 Random Facts New Year Resolutions Workout Less: This will actually take serious effort. The only thing harder would be to shower less. If I need to borrow the proverbial cup of sugar, I will drive to my neighbor’s door and hoot until she comes out and hands it to me, or call my boda-boda guy to collect it for me. I will take elevators in two-story buildings. Lastly, I’m going to cancel my gym membership and use the money I save to buy more ice cream and burgers. Become Addicted to Something: Smoking, alcoholism and coffee are so stale. No, this year I vow to pick up a unique dependency that people can really talk about like nasal spray or hand sanitizer or sniffing hot glue. Or at least something beneficial to my endurance like crack. Look, I already have a shopping addiction so that’s out and I do love me some reality TV; maybe I could offset the bills with a robust gambling problem. Gain Weight: I am going to quit all good eating habits ASAP. I vow to add fattening foods to my diet with reckless abandon. I will start each meal with a generous helping of bread and rolls onto which I will spread an obnoxious amount of butter. I will stuff food into my mouth with such fervour it will make other eaters uncomfortable to watch. I also promise to eat EVERYTHING. Be Less Patient: I vow to be aggravated, exasperated, and ready to blow my stack at the slightest misstep. The next time my coworker wants help with his workload I will say, ‘That’s it! Clearly this whole employment thing is not for you. If you don’t know how to do your job by now, you never will! Now go be a stay-at-home Daddy! Stress more: I vow to lose sleep thinking about planning parties, redecorating my house, trying to budget, missing appointments, work conferences, and health issues caused by stress. I will give an evil laugh while erasing all the plans from my iPhone, and then cry over what I have just done. I will empty my bank account on frivolous investments and watch it dwindle away. Oh, wait…that already happened, two weeks ago. Well good, more for me to worry about. Become Addicted to Something: Smoking, alcoholism and coffee are so stale. No, this year I vow to pick up a unique dependency that people can really talk about like nasal spray or hand sanitizer or sniffing hot glue. Or at least something beneficial to my endurance like crack. Look, I already have a shopping addiction so that’s out and I do love me some reality TV; maybe I could offset the bills with a robust gambling problem. Forget an Old Language: This year, not only am I not going to learn a new language, I’m going to force my brain to wither and forget English. In this New Year, I shall only speak Luo. I will quit doing crosswords and speaking in complete sentences. I will break all grammatical rules: I will misplace modifiers, dangle participles, and end sentences in prepositions. To those that don’t understand my mothertongue, I will express myself through emoticons. Gossip More: I vow to talk about everything you do in the New Year. If I see you at the hospital for so much as flu drugs, I will tell everyone you have an STD, so you can be verbally assaulted when you try to vibe any of my friends. If you look too skinny, I will assume and tell everyone that you have relationship problems or you are too broke to afford meals. If you look too hot, I will spread word that you are having an affair with a Minister. If you look too young, I will tell people that you have an addiction to surgical procedures because your spouse is cheating on you. Hold grudges: This year I vow to forgive no one. I don’t care if you step on my toe, or pay me the five thousand you owe me, a day after the assigned due date. You will go on ‘The List’in permanent ink and I will twirl my imaginary handlebar moustache as I think about how to get revenge. I vow to hate you forever and never forget how you wronged me. Questions you should never ever answer with a ‘yes’? What time is it? YES! Are you sleeping? YES! Are you dead? YES! Laws Isaac Newton Forgot LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. The probability of bumping into someone that you are trying to avoid is equally as high. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will! LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Student Who Scored 0% in an Exam But he didn't answer any question wrong! Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? A: his last battle Q2: Where was the declaration of Independence signed? A: at the bottom of the page. Q3: River Mississippi flows in which state? A : liquid Q11: If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in other hand, what would you have? A: very large hands. Q12: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A: No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A: Anyway you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack. Q 14. Pretend you're a bus driver. You start at New York and fifty people get on. Then you drive to New Jersey and twenty people get off, while five get on. Then you go to Florida and ten people get off while fourteen get back on. When you get to New Mexico, twenty people leave and five more get back on. When you reach California everyone get's back on. How old is the bus driver? A. He is not real! Q. While on my way to St. Ives I saw a man with 7 wives. Each wife had 7 sacks. Each sack had 7 cats. Each cat had 7 kittens. Kitten, cats, sacks, wives. How many were going to St. Ives? A. None. Q: If a plane crashed on the border of England and Scotland, where would they bury the survivors? A: Nowhere. Q: Twelve pears hanging high, twelve men passing by, each took a pear and left eleven hanging there. How can this be? How can eleven pears be left? A: 'Each' is a man’s name! Q: If there is a frog, dead in the centre of a lily pad which is right in the middle of the pond, which side would it jump to? A: neither, the frog is dead! Q: You're a bus driver. At the first stop 4 people get on. At the second stop 8 people on, at the third stop 2 people get off and, at the forth stop everyone got off. The question is what color are the bus driver’s eyes? A: The same as yours, you're the bus driver. Q: What never gets any wetter, no matter how much it rains? A: The Sea! Q: A man went outside in the pouring rain with no protection, but not a hair on his head got wet...how come? A: He was bald. Q: David's father has three sons: Snap, Crackle and _____? A: David Q: What has a mouth but doesn't eat a bank with no money, a bed but doesn't sleep, and waves but has no hands? A: a river. Q: A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday. He stayed two nights and left on Friday. How could that be? A: His horse was called Friday. Q: If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where's the white house? A: Washington DC. Q4: What is the main reason for failure? A: exams. Q5: What is the main reason for divorce? A: Marriage. Q6: What can you never eat for breakfast? A: Lunch & dinner Q7: What looks like half an apple? A: the other half Q8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? A: it will simply become wet Q9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping? A: No problem, he sleeps only at night. Q10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A: you will never find an elephant that has only one hand. Laws You Did Not Learn At School 💮 Law of equality: The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call you in 5 minutes! 💮 Law of Queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. 💮 Law of Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone. 💮 Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. 💮 Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 💮Bath Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. 💮 Law of Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 💮 Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 💮 Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 💮 Theatre Rule: People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last. 💮 Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 💮 Law of Proposal: After you accept a proposal you will get a better one. 💮 Law of getting late: When you reach early for something it will never start on time. 💮 Law of exam: If you didn't read a page which is of least importance, first question will be from that page only.  99 Crazy Things God Did Before Jesus arrived and his divine father chilled out, the Old Testament God was, ironically, kind of a hellraiser. He was not a nice guy. He really liked killing people. And he may have actually been insane, if his willingness to randomly murder devout worshippers like Moses was any indication. Here are the 12 craziest, most awful things God did in the Old Testament, back before that wacked-out hippie Jesus softened him up. Sending Bears to Murder Children So a guy named Eliseus was traveling to Bethel when a bunch of kids popped up and made fun of him for being bald. That had to suck, and you can't blame Eliseus for being pissed and cursing them to God. But God had Eliseus' back, by which I mean he sent two bears to maul 42 of these kids to death. For making fun of a bald dude. I have to think Eliseus was looking for something along the lines of a spanking, or maybe the poetic justice of having the kids go bald, but nope, God went straight for the bear murder. But on the plus side, that pile of 40+ children's corpses never made fun of anybody again. (4 Kings 2:23-24) Turning Lot's Wife to Salt Most folks know about the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, two cities of sin God decided to kill everyone in instead of, you know, making them not full of sin. But this was a town that, when two angels were staying at Lot's place, gathered en masse and asked if they could rape them. I repeat: They wanted to rape angels. So they kind of had their destruction coming. Lot and his family were sent from the city before things went down, and Lot's wife looked back, and God turned her into a pillar of salt. It's generally understood that Lot's wife was looking back in a wistful kind of way at her angel-raping hometown, but the fact is there's nothing in the Bible to suggest this. Nor was Lot's family warned about looking back. Maybe Lot's wife wanted to see Sodom and Gomorrah get what was coming to it. Maybe she was thinking wistfully of the things she had to leave behind. Maybe she wondered if she left the oven on. We'll never know, because God turned her into seasoning for breaking a rule she didn't know existed. (Genesis 19:26) Hating Ugly People In what should be good news for intolerant religious conservatives, God really does hate people who are different from the norm. Of course, God isn't as worried about skin color or sexual orientation as he is about whether you're ugly or not. Because if you're ugly, you can just go worship some other god, okay? (Even though God will punish you if you do and also they don't exist.) Here's the people God does not want coming into his churches: People with blemishes, blind people, the lame, those with flat noses, dwarves, people with scurvy, people with bad eyes, people with bad skin, and those that "hath their stones broken." Given that God is technically responsible for giving people all of these afflictions in the first place, this is an enormous dick move. (Leviticus 21:17-24) Trying to Kill Moses In terms of people who God likes, you'd think Moses would be pretty high up on the list, right? I mean, God appointed him to lead the Jews out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea for him, and even picked him to receive the 10 Commandments, right? Yet this didn't stop God from trying to kill Moses when he ran into him at "a lodging place." There is literally no explanation given in the Bible for God's decision to murder one of his chief supporters. The line is "At a lodging place on the way, the Lord met Moses and was about to kill him." The only sensible explanation for this is that God was drunk out of his mind and looking for a bar fight, and you better hope that's correct because the alternative is that God's a psychopath. How was God stopped from murdering his #1 fan? "But [Moses' wife] Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' feet with it ... So the Lord let him alone." Either the sight of a very unexpected circumcision sobered God up quickly, or he didn't want to touch a dude who just touched a severed foreskin. Still, it's Moses' son who's the real victim here. (Exodus 4:24-26) Committing So Much Genocide God has killed so many people, you guys. Okay, I mean technically, God has killed everyone if you subscribe to Judeo-Christian thought, but I'm not talking about indirect methods, I'm talking about God murdering countless people in horrible ways simply because he's pissed off. God drowning every single person on the planet besides Noah and his family is pretty well known, but he also helped the Israelites murder everyone in Jericho, Heshbon, Bashan and many more, usually killing women, children and animals at the same time. Hell, God once helped some Israelites kill 500,000 other Israelites. God's crazy. Ordering His Underlings to Kill Their Own Children God is obviously good at big picture dickishness, but he also took the time to be a dick on a more personal level. Abraham was another devout man who God decided to fuck with, apparently because he knew he could. God ordered him to sacrifice his son to God (God was a fan of human sacrifice at the time). We know Abraham loved his son, so he was probably kind of upset with this, but hey, God's God, right? So Abraham tricked his unsuspecting son up a mountain onto a sacrificial altar and prepared to murder him. This story actually has a happy ending, in that right before Abraham drove a knife into his son's throat, God yelled "Psyche!" and told him it was only a test. And then Abraham received some blessings after that for being willing to kill his own child at God's whim. And all it took was the dread of being forced to kill his own child on behalf of his angry deity and, presumably, a shit-ton of awkward family dinners for the rest of his life. Abraham got off better than Jephthah, who had to follow through with murdering his daughter (burning her alive, specifically) in order to get on God's good side before battling the Ammonites. (Genesis 22:1-12) Killing Egyptian Babies Let's be completely up front: The Egyptians and the Jews did not get along. According to the Bible, the Egyptians enslaved the Jews, but the Jews had God on their side, if you kind of ignore God letting his people be enslaved in the first place. Rather getting his worshippers the hell out of there, God wanted to show those damned Egyptians what for, releasing 10 plagues that began with turning the river Nile into pure blood, and ending with the slaughter of the first-born of every single Egyptian man and animal. Now, I suppose it's possible that some, or even most of these first-born were adults who were shitty to the Israelites. But some of them had to be babies who didn't even have the time to persecute the Jews yet. And what the hell did the animals do to the Jews to get caught up in this nightmare? Were there proto-Nazi cows running around who needed to be punished for their transgressions against the chosen people? And you realize there were cats in Egypt, right? Cats who had first-born? God killed kittens. (Numbers 16:41-49) Killing a Dude for Not Making More Babies So you're a dude named Onan and you have a brother named Er. God does not care for Er, and kills him. Standard God operating procedure. Then things gets weird. Onan's dad orders Onan to have sex with Er's wife — not marry, by the way, just have sex with. This is actually pretty awkward for Onan, sleeping with his sister-in-law, and rather than give her any more kids (she had two with Er already) he pulls out. God is so infuriated that Onan did not fuck his sister-in-law to completion that he kills him, too. Now, you could argue that God demands that intercourse be used specifically for procreation, but given how much God loves killing babies and children, I don't think his motives here are exceptionally pure. (Genesis 38:1-10) Helping Samson Murder People to Pay Off a Bet More evidence that God is possibly a low-level mobster: When his pal Samson got married, he was given 30 friends, and he posed them (a completely insane) riddle. Then he made a bet that if they could solve it in a week, Samson would give them all new clothes, but if they couldn't they would give Samson 30 pairs of new clothes. Well, Samson's wife wheedled the answer out of him and then told these dudes, at which point an angry Samson had to pay up. And here's where God comes in — literally, into Samson, giving him the power to murder 30 random people for their clothes. Only a true friend would help you commit mass murder to settle a completely stupid bet. (Judges 14:1-19) Trying to Wrestle a Guy, Cheating, and Still Losing And here's more evidence that God is a drunk maniac: Jacob was traveling with his two wives, his 11 kids, and all his earthly possessions and had sent them across a river. At that moment, a guy essentially leapt out of the bushes and started wrestling. It's God! They wrestle all night, and God cannot beat Jacob, so he uses his magic God powers to wrench Jacob's hip out of its socket. But Jacob still won't let him out of a headlock until God blesses him, because Jacob has figured out who this bizarre man is. God blesses him and wanders off, presumably to go get in a bar fight somewhere. (Genesis 32: 22-31) Killing People for Complaining About God Killing Them To be fair, after God freed the Israelites from Egyptian slavery, they were extraordinarily bitchy about not instantly being in a land of milk and honey. It got so bad that God was ready to kill all of them and let Moses start the Jews over, although Moses managed to talk him out of it. But one of their more sensible complaints was that Moses was lording himself over the rest of them, which was probably true, seeing as God had given him the 10 Commandments and all that. So Moses summoned the three tribal elders who had made the complaint to a Monday morning staff meeting, but two of them didn't come. Neither Moses nor God cared for that, and God opened up the grounds beneath their people's tents, killing both tribes (God also set fire to 250 Israelite princes who'd made the same complaint). Having been well admonished that Moses was putting himself above the rest of the people with God's permission, a number of surviving Israelites were kind of pissed that Moses and God had killed so many of their fellow people to prove a point. God responded by killing another 14,700 of them with a plague. The complaints stopped. (Numbers 16:1-49) Everything He Did to Job Oh, Job. Other than a shit-ton of babies, no one had it worse in the Bible than Job, who was a righteous, good-hearted man who believed in God with every fiber in his being — which is when God decides to see how miserable he can make this dude before he gets upset. Note: This is a result of a bet between God and Satan. Also note: The bet is God's idea. He's literally just hanging out with Satan — which is kinda weird when you think about it — when he starting bragging about how awesome Job is. Satan points out that Job's pretty blessed — he's rich, he's got a lot of kids, etc., and he probably wouldn't be quite so thrilled with God if he didn't have that stuff. God downs his bourbon, presumably, and tells Satan he can fuck with Job all he wants. Satan does. He kills all of Job's children and animals, burns down his house, destroys his wealth, and then covers him in boils. Job doesn't not curse God, but he does wish he'd never been born (literally) and begs God to kill him, but no dice. This lasts a long time until finally Job wonders why a just God would be so shitty. This is when God pops up and basically tells him."Shut up, I don't have to explain anything to you." Job, having finally done something wrong, pleads for mercy, and God eventually gives him back animals and children — new ones, because the old ones are still dead. Because of a bet. That God made with Satan. For kicks. (Job 1)  99 Ways to Understand Female Logic A translation of what women say and what they really mean! ‘Yes’ = No ‘No’ = Yes ‘Maybe’ = No ‘I'm sorry’ = You'll be sorry ‘We need’ = I want ‘It's your decision’ = The correct decision should be obvious by now ‘Do what you want’ = You'll pay for this later ‘We need to talk’ = I need to complain ‘Sure go ahead’ = I don't want you to ‘I'm not upset’ = Of course I'm upset, you moron! ‘You're so manly’ = You need a shave and you sweat a lot ‘Be romantic, turn out the lights’ = I have flabby thighs ‘This kitchen is so inconvenient’ = I want a new house ‘I want new curtains’ = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ‘I heard a noise’ = I noticed you were almost asleep ‘Do you love me?’ = I'm going to ask for something expensive ‘How much do you love me?’ = I did something today you're going to hate ‘I'll be ready in a minute’ = Just going to wash my hair ‘You have to learn to communicate’ = Just agree with me ‘Are you listening to me!?’ = Too late, you're dead ‘Men are like fine wine’: They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.’ ‘Women are like fine wine’: They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache. Materials Safety Data Sheet: Women - A Chemical Analysis ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Surface usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. Yields if pressure applied in correct places. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES: Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. HAZARDS: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other. Punctuation An English professor wrote the words: ‘Woman without her man is nothing’ on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: ‘Woman, without her man, is nothing.’ The women wrote: ‘Woman! Without her, man is nothing.’ Slogans for Women's T-Shirts So many men, so few who can afford me. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody...and you're next. And your point is...? I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Between love and chocolate, I’d rather fall in chocolate! Slogans for men's T-shirts How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with ‘A man once told me . . .’ If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me ‘What's on the TV ?’ I said, ‘Dust !’ In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Neither God nor Man has rested since. Why do men die before their wives ? They want to. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, ‘I haven't eaten anything in four days.’ She looked at him and said, ‘God, I wish I had your willpower.’ Laws Women Live By Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his. Sadly, all men are created equal. All of women's problems start with men... MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause.  Stupid Quotes Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader. Every great man was thought to be insane before he changed the world. Some never changed the world. They were just insane. I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work. It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's funnier. When in doubt, do it. A crappy life is a great excuse to live a crappy life. Always apologize first--it annoys the crap out of people. "Losing builds character." You know who said that? A loser. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs harder. There's a one-in six-billion chance that you'll find your soulmate. And that's if they're not dead. Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control. The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..." Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant. Born free. Taxed to death. I don't suffer from insanity--I enjoy every minute of it. We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember. If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you. Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die. No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies. Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on. Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat. God bless America. But God, please help Canada.  High School Love Letters The Luos of Kenya (Obama’s Tribe) are regarded as the most romantic, and so here are a few high school letters. Dear Akinyi, I have excellently juxtaposed myself at my favorite corner at this juncture, this opportune time to narrate to you the status of my emotional condition and the position of my heart vis-a-viz my lovely lady. Atoti! (babygal) It has been exactly two years, twenty three days, four hours and seven minutes from the day that my sight landed unavoidingly on your well endowed external outline. In all this time my feelings have surpassed everything to become true love. My love for you nyako (gal) has grown deeper than the still waters of nam-lolwe (lake victoria) the place where nyamgodho (luo legend) fished out the love of his life. Nyathijomoko! (child of of the rich) As i write to you i am smiling, thinking of your beauty for which i have always thanked god. The day i met you, that your beauty struck me like lightening as my body felt weak and my heart skipped a beat. Speaking of god, i must admit that he must have held consultations with me albeit in my dreams because he created you in the very same way i have always described the woman of my dreams. Physically endowed, full chest, beautiful and big brown eyes, white teeth like cha-chiew (fresh milk)! Yaye nyadundo! (please the short one) You are the love of my life, the reason of my being, the very essence of my existence. Nyar jo mwandu! (daughter of the wealthy) You enrich my life with your ever present and beautiful smile. You are my wealth and with you in my life the likes of bill gates and carlos slim are below my average. Baby you are the answer to all my questions, in fact with you, i have more answers than questions. You are my google. You are the dot in my email address and the only number on my mailing box. Sweetheart! You have made my life superliciously outstanding and because of you i have become the subject of envy to men like obama, clinton, mandela and even Jakom (chairman) raila himself. Rapudo! (the chocolate skinned one) When i first set my eyes on you i knew i wanted to be your slave. To run far and long, day and night for your heart more than kipchoge keino could ever run for the gold. Nyarjokaocha! (the lady from my in laws) My love for you has grown exponentially and multi-purposely in all this time. I love you more than an okuyu loves mbecha; i value you more than a maasai values his cattle; I adore you more than a luhya adores his ugali,chicken and tea; i want you more than raila wants to be president and i will always defend you more than a meru would ever defend his miraa. My Love Elizabeth To My Dearest, Sweetest, Fondest, Fantastic, Extra-Ordinary, Paragon Of Beauty A.K.A Lizzy. I Hope This Missive Meets You In A Fabulous State Of Metabolism, If So Doxology. My Principal Aim Of Writing This Letter To You Is To Gravitate Your Mind Towards A Matter Of Global And Universal Importance To My Ego Which Has Been Troubling My Soul. The Matter Is So Important That Even As I Am Writing My Adrenalin Isrocking 100 On The Reitcher Scale, My Temperature Is Rising, The Wind Vane Of My Mind Is Pointing North, South And East At The Same Time While The Convex Mirror In My Eyes Has Only Your Divine Image At Its Focal Point. Indeed When I Sleep You Are The One In My Medulla Oblongata And I Dream About You. I Went Out To Sea In My Dream And I Saw You; Surrounded By H20 And You, Your Majesty Rose From The Abdomen Of The Sea Like Yemoja, The Avatar Of Beauty. Oh, God Be With Us! We Are Thy Servants! As You Can See, I Am In A Serious Dilemma And I Want You To Take My Matter Seriously. At This Junction What Our God Said On This Matter Is Germane. He Says We Should Ask And We Shall Be Given, We Should Seek And We Will Find, And That We Should Knock And It Will Be Opened Unto Us. I Am- On This 10th Day Of The Seventh Month In  The  Year Of Our Lord, One Thousand, Nine Hundred And Eighty Eight-Asking, Seeking And Knocking At Your Door. My Prayer Is That Thou Should Open So That Thy Servant Can Enter. I Want To Wake Up In The Morning Andsee Only Your Face. I Want You To Be The Only Sugar In My Tea, The Only Fly In My Ointment, The Butter On My Bread, The Gray Matter Of My System, The Oxygen In My  Lungs, The Planet Of My Universe, The Wall Clock Of My Room And The Conveyor Belt  Of My Soul. I Pray That You Realize The Gargantuan Nature Of My Predicament. If You Refuse, My Life Will Be Like Tea Without Sugar, Like A Snail Without Shell, In Fact I’ll Become An Orphan. What Is Life If I Can’t Wake Up In The Morning And Behold Your Face?  You Model Of Pulchritude, Patiently Created By God On A Sunday Morning Before He Went On A Deserved Holiday. Please Lizzy, Let Me Be Your Romeo. Make Me    Your Adam Oh My Eve, For You Were Made For Me. Shakespeare Said It All: If Music Be The Food Of Love, Play On. I Want To Emphasize, Universally And Responsibly, That You Are Love Itself. You Are The Metaphor, Oxymoron, Thesis, Antithesis, Irony, Gerund, Conjunction And The Adverb Of Love. Let Me Also Say That The Geography Of Your Body Is A Permanent Alleluia. Your Body Exudes Not Ammonia, Urea And Iodine – You Are Too Beautiful For That! What I See In Your Body Is Milk And Honey At This Juncture Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit. A Stitch In Time Saves Nine. Procrastination Is The Thief Of Time. An Opportunity Once Lost Can Never Be Regained. Make Hay While The Sun Shines. All That Glitters Is Not Gold. The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins But With A Single Step. What God Has Put Together Let No Man Put Asunder. To Be A Man Is Not An Easy Task Even If God’s Time Is The Best. But Time Waits For No Man. A Man Without Love Is Like A Fish Out Of Water. I Know You Are A Sagacious Girl. If You Like The Veracity Of What I Am Saying, Please Fill The Attachedform And Let Me Have It Pronto. The Mark At The Bottom Of This Page Is A Kiss From Me To You. I Remain Your Beloved, Faithful, Loyal, One And Only Admirer.  letter of girl to boy! ** ROLL DOWN TO YOU  ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ ** ” P D N F”— Please Do No Fold Sweetiepie Babe! Time And Ability Plus Double Capacity Has Forced My Pen To Dance Automatically On This Benedicted Sheet Of Paper. Why! This Miraculous Thing Happened Is Because Papie I Love You Spontaneously And As I Stand Horizontal To The Wall And Perpendicular To The Ground I Only Think Of You, Since You Are A Fantastic And Fabulous Guy. Papie Please Stop  Haranguing With The Feelings In My Heart Because I Love You More Than A  Snake Loves Rat. The Matter Is So Important That Even As I Am Writing My Adrenalin Is Rocking 100 On The Reitcher Scale, My Temperature Is Rising, The Wind Vane Of My Mind Is Pointing North, South And East At The Same Time While The Convex Mirror In My Eyes Has Only Your Divine Image At Its Focal Point. To Me Each Day Starts By Thinking Of You And Ends By  Dreaming Of You. Each Time I See You My Metabolism Suddenly Stops And  My Peristalysis Goes In Reverse Gear. My Medular-Oblandata Also Stop Functioning. Crazy Crazy Crazy You May Say But This Is True. If Only You Knew What Is Going On In My Encephalon You Would Understand. That’s Why I Need To See You Face To Face With You, Soon. I Think I Have To Pen-Off Hear Because I  Still Haven’t Finished Studying Electrolysis And Polymerization.  Catch You Pa- Later. Sleep Tight And Don’t Let Those Bed Bugs Ever Bite You. Coz You Are Too Sweet A Thing For Them. Yourz Ever, Sugar Tapi Tapi  The Reply  ** ROLL DOWN TO YOU  ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ ** ” P D N F”— Please Do No Fold My Love, My Sugar, I Was Exasperated With Pride To Have Received One From You, The Lungs In My Body Flapped With Joy When I Have Been Reading Your Letter. Anyway By Now You Have Reached The Realisations To Why I Am Jotting This Small Letter To You, Yes It Is To See If You Are Keeping With The Sands Of Time. How Is Everything On That Other Side Of Yours? Well Here Everything Is Just Half Lemon Half Sugar To Make it Schweppes. How Is Your Schooling? How Are You Pulling The Wagons Of Life? I Am Just Pulling The Schooling Thing Like A Donkey Pulling A Cart. My Honie, I Am Missing You Very Much Right Now, My Heart Is Perambulating With Every Word That I Write, If It Was Not For These Oceans That Decided To Flow Between Us Then I Would Get On The Next Bus To Come And See You, But Until Then I Know That I Will Not Hesitate To Put This Blue Blood On This Paper And Write To You. I Remember That Day Lovie, That One Sweet Day As Maria Curry Sanged It, You Know That It Is My Favorites Song Honie, The One Day That We Were Boarding The Combies And You Escorted Me To My Home, Walking With You Just Brought Sweet Dreams To Me For The Rest Of My Life Honie. If Words Of Love Could Ride A Bicycle I Would Be Competing Against Diego Maradona. Anyways, I Will Not Stop You From Reading The Books That Give You Life And Education So I Will Stop Here For Today. Please Always Writing To Me Because I Am Missing You Like Sugar Misses Tea. My Dedications To You Are : Maria Curry – One Sweet Day. Boys To Main – And Of The Rod Keep Well My Mop Of My Heart, Yours In Flesh And In Blood,  Ruise Sugar Baby P.S. Sorry About My English, I Did Not Learn Anymore  Laws for Responding to Wives/Girlfriends Questions IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and I am exactly where I should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza I ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly my wife/girlfriend enters the room and says, ‘WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?’ Is this a trick question? Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how I answer it, I will immediately find myself driving down to my nearest home-improvement centre, where I will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that's right for us. HOW DOES THIS WORK? It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with anything else. They just want you to look at them, and say something about their hair, dress, or lipstick. It is never about the ‘this’ at all. Women are experts at posing questions that seem to have no right answer. Here's another common example. ‘DO I LOOK FAT?’ There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted ‘yes’. ‘No’ means yes. ‘Yes’ means yes. ‘I don't know’ means yes. ‘It doesn't matter’ means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, and yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. My only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply my opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse. There are several other questions for which ‘no’ is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off. Consult this handy chart: JUST SAY NO: Is there someone else? Do you still fantasize about her? Are you tired of me? JUST SAY YES: Do you still love me? Do you ever fantasize about me? Do you like my hair this way? Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one: ‘WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER?’ Typically I’m already late for dinner when my wife/girlfriend confronts me, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler. If I pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think I’m trying to hurry her. If I pick the other pair, she'll think it's because I know I can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a non-linear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgment or an opportunity for her to attack mine. On no account suggest another dress. I might as well say, ‘You're fat.’ This raises the question of why she's asking me at all. She knows I don't know which shoes look better, and she knows I don't care, so why is she trying to elicit my opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate me. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult me about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive ‘beats me’ should do the trick, but I will not try that with the shoe dilemma, or I'll miss my reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, and then tell her the first ones look better. This lets me more or less off the hook, as long as I don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair is better after all. ‘WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?’ This could be described as an essay question, since I’m obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as ‘forward’ or ‘upstairs’ or ‘I dunno’. Another problem is that my wife/girlfriend and I are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of my feelings and an honest assessment of my future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation. HER: Where do you see this relationship going? YOU: Where do you see this relationship going? HER: Do you think she's attractive? YOU: Who? HER: Will you marry me? YOU: Where am I? HER: What if I were pregnant? YOU: Are you pregnant? HER: Why? Do I look fat? YOU: NO. HER: What if I were pregnant? YOU: What if I were pregnant? At the very least it gives me time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.) Let's move on. ‘WHY DON'T YOU LIGHTEN UP?’ This rhetorical gem is used whenever I express my disapproval of shoplifting or speeding, or whenever I go to a nightclub and spend the whole time complaining because the music is too loud and there aren't any chairs. There's no good answer to this one. I could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting that she doesn't like it when I act like a kid or when I act like her dad; then again, if I do that, she's likely to see my point and break up with me. Speaking of breaking up, how about this one..... ‘ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO END IT?’ Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a woman asks me this question, she knows I’m going to say no. Even if I want to say yes, I'll say no. I can't turn the question back on her, because I have no idea what her answer is going to be. If I am trying to break up with her, I'll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If I am not trying to break up with her, then it's best to change the subject. Let's try some-thing easier. ‘NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?’ Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others: ‘Have you forgotten what today is?’ and ‘Have you been listening to a word I've said?’ Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they are the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic post-modern context. HER: Notice anything different about me? YOU: New look? HER: Have you forgotten what today is? YOU: Of course not. It's The Day. HER: Have you been listening to a word I've said? YOU: That's nice, dear... Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions. Questions such as: ‘HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY?’ This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for ‘WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?’, are ways of gently reminding me how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with me, and how that decision could be rescinded if I behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. I probably brought this rebuke on myself by mentioning that I reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby. I am not really supposed to answer either of these questions. I will also remember that I am supposed to apologise (for my wanton self-esteem-having). Instead of apologising, I will just smile. My manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next! ‘DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIDELITY?’ Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of my fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. My response will also have to be coded. I will consult this translation chart before giving my answer: I SAY - Yes I MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - He's hiding something I SAY - It depends I MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - I knew it! I SAY - Why do you ask I MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - Bastard! I SAY - I dunno. Do you? I MEAN - How much does she know? SHE THINKS - How much does he know? There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By the time she asks me this question, I am already in deep trouble. It doesn't really matter what I say, as long as I don't blush when I answer. Let's look at an example that calls for more straight forward lying. ‘WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?’ She means, ‘You were looking at that girl, weren't you?’ And even if I thought I’d perfected that trick of keeping my neck still and just letting my eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set me free, sometimes before I've found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard; their ability to deceive is impaired. Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked ‘What are you looking at?’ TOO SPECIFIC: ‘The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner’. NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: ‘That thing.’ TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: ‘A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you’. TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: ‘A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you.’ TOO OBVIOUS: ‘Nothing.’ WAY TOO OBVIOUS: ‘That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean nothing.’ Here's one that requires a little interpretation. ‘WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?’ This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious ‘we’ in the middle. This means two things: in one sense, ‘we’ clearly means ‘me’ - as in, ‘What am I going to do now’; but there is also a sense of ‘we' are in this together’ implying that I bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tyre in her garage so they won't get stolen. In such situations I’ll probably find that the only answer to ‘What are we going to do now?’ is not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised: ‘WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?’ In which case, I should touch her arm, or whatever part I am allowed to touch by the stage of our relationship, and tell her ‘we’ will find a way out. In essence, I will find a way out, and I better do. ‘SHOULD I GET ALL OF MY HAIR CUT OFF?’ This is the only one question that I should never, ever answer. I WILL Keep silent; cower behind my Fifth Amendment rights (right to protect myself from self-incrimination), I should pretend I didn't hear, run away, start coughing, whatever, but I will not say anything. If I say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be my fault. Even if I say absolutely nothing, the best I can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare me straight in the eye and say: Does it make me look fat? In which case, I must be super quick to answer, ‘sweetheart, who put such nonsense in your head?’  …smile! Ojijo 99 Ways to Make People Laugh! 2