ABIGAIL OCOBOCK
University of Chicago
The Power and Limits of Marriage: Married Gay
Men’s Family Relationships
Same-sex marriage has received much scholarly
attention in the United States in the past
decade. Yet we know little about how samesex couples experience marriage. In this article,
I present findings from in-depth interviews
with 32 legally married gay men in Iowa.
I focus on their experiences with families of
origin and investigate the legitimating potential
of same-sex marriage. The men had high
expectations about the power of marriage to help
them gain recognition and support, but their
experiences with family members were more
varied and complex than they expected. Although
marriage often led to positive family outcomes,
it also commonly had negative consequences,
including new and renewed experiences of
family rejection. This study complicates ideas
about the legitimating potential of marriage
for same-sex couples by illuminating both its
power and limits in helping gay men gain
status and support from their families of
origin.
As of July 2012, same-sex couples could
legally marry in six states (Massachusetts,
Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire,
and New York) and the District of Columbia.
Department of Sociology, University of Chicago, 1126
East 59th Street, Chicago, IL 60637 (aocobock@
uchicago.edu).
This article was edited by David Demo.
Key Words: bisexual, gay, kinship, lesbian, marriage and
close relationships, qualitative research, sexuality, social
support, transgender.
The number of same-sex couples with access
to legal marriage has grown rapidly in the
past 8 years; nearly 50,000 same-sex couples
have married since 2004 (Badgett & Herman,
2011). Many scholars have made important
contributions to the ongoing debates about samesex marriage in the United States (Chauncey,
2004; Clarke & Finlay, 2004; A. Sullivan, 2004;
Wardle, 2003). Yet the lived experiences of
legally married gay men and lesbians have
received less empirical attention, meaning that
social scientists know little about how gay men
and lesbians actually experience marriage and
how it impacts their lives.
Family scholars have found that marriage carries a potent cultural and symbolic power in the
United States. Despite the growth and increased
acceptability of unmarried cohabitation and
childbearing, marriage remains both common
and important to most Americans (Thornton
& Young-DeMarco, 2001). Compared to other
Western nations, a higher proportion of Americans get married and far fewer believe that
‘‘marriage is an outdated institution’’ (Cherlin,
2009, p. 3). Cherlin argued that although the
practical importance of marriage has declined,
its symbolic importance has increased (p. 139).
Specifically, marriage has evolved from a marker
of conformity to a marker of prestige, providing an opportunity to demonstrate to friends and
family that a milestone in life has been reached
(pp. 140 – 142). Moreover, marriage is a central component in the way Americans define
what a family is and remains highly important
for assigning family status to couples (Powell,
Bolzendahl, Geist, & Carr Steelman, 2010).
Journal of Marriage and Family 75 (February 2013): 191 – 205
DOI:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.01032.x
191
192
These ideas about the symbolic power of
marriage have informed theories about the
potential impact of marriage on same-sex
couples. Proponents of same-sex marriage have
argued that not only will married same-sex
couples gain a wide array of legal rights
and privileges (Bennett & Gates, 2004), they
will also gain important social benefits. Some
have suggested that marriage could result in
greater social acceptance for same-sex couples
and help to combat the discrimination that
they and their children can face (Meezan &
Rauch, 2005). Others have seen marriage as
a means of assimilating gay men and lesbians
into the norms and institutions of the larger
society and of ‘‘overcoming the kind of ‘stigma’
historically attached to homosexuality’’ (Herek,
2006, p. 617). Moreover, proponents have
argued against domestic partnerships and civil
unions precisely because they lack the unique
social status and legitimating power of marriage
(Wolfson, 2007). The legitimating potential of
marriage has also been at the center of arguments
against same-sex marriage. Queer theorists have
critiqued marriage’s ‘‘privileged relation to
legitimacy’’ and argued that marriage would
further delegitimize and stigmatize unmarried
same-sex relationships (Warner, 1999, p. 96).
Critics have viewed marriage as ‘‘an institution
of normalization, wherein the married are
rendered ‘normal,’ healthy, and moral, and the
unmarried ‘abnormal,’ unhealthy, and deviant’’
(Green, 2010, p. 406).
Despite differing over its virtues, both proponents and queer opponents of same-sex marriage
believe marriage has the potential to ‘‘normalize’’ and ‘‘legitimate’’ those same-sex couples
who choose to marry. But recent research by
Heath (2012) on marriage promotion demonstrated how the presence and visibility of
gay men and lesbians challenge heteronormative understandings of marriage and prompts
‘‘boundary work to reinforce the outsider status of non-heterosexuals’’ (p. 178). She suggests
that for gay men and lesbians ‘‘even as the paradoxes of visibility offer openings for inclusion,
marital heterosexuality ultimately reinforces a
boundary that becomes a form of social closure’’
(p. 183).
Yet no empirical research has specifically
explored the legitimating power and limits of
marriage for same-sex couples. Does marriage
help same-sex couples gain greater social
recognition and support or prompt ‘‘boundary
Journal of Marriage and Family
work’’ and new forms of social exclusion? In
this study of legally married gay men in Iowa, I
address this question by focusing specifically on
how gay men perceive getting married to have
impacted relationships with their heterosexual
families of origin.
Nationally, fewer gay men get legally married
than lesbians (Badgett & Herman, 2011).
This has also been true of Iowa. Of the
19,904 marriages taking place in the first year
of legalization in Iowa (2009 – 2010), 2,020
(more than 10%) were known to be samesex marriages. Of these, only 728 (36%)
were male couples (data provided by Iowa
Department of Public Health). Despite being
a minority of legally married couples, research
on the marital and family experiences of gay
men is important. Gay men have often been
excluded or underrepresented in family research
(Biblarz & Savci, 2010). Yet literature on
homophobia consistently shows more societal
prejudice against gay men than lesbians (Herek,
2002). Therefore, gay men may face particular
difficulties with regard to gaining recognition
and legitimacy from marriage.
BACKGROUND
Relationships With Families of Origin
In the past two decades, knowledge about gay
and lesbian family life, particularly committed
relationships and parenting, has grown exponentially (for a review, see Biblarz & Savci, 2010).
Nevertheless, this scholarship is mostly focused
on the families that gay men and lesbians create rather than their relationships with families
of origin. An exception has been research on
the experiences of gay and lesbian youths coming out to family members, which has stressed
the risks they face in initial disclosures and
the resulting disruptions and negotiations in
parent – child relationships (D’Augelli, 2005;
Savin-Williams, 2001). Very little research has
moved beyond these initial disclosure experiences to explore the relationships adult gay men
and lesbians have with families of origin over
the life course (Heatherington & Lavner, 2008).
Since the publication of Weston’s (1991)
Families We Choose, conventional wisdom has
been that gay men and lesbians adapt to rejection
from families of origin by constructing ‘‘families
of choice’’ and relying on them to provide the
kinds of support their families of origin will not.
The Power and Limits of Marriage
But more recent research points to the continued
importance of families of origin to adult lesbians
and gay men. Oswald found that attending family
events and rituals, such as weddings, results in
both new experiences of exclusion for gay men
and lesbians (2000) and new opportunities for
inclusion and reentry into one’s family of origin
(2002a). Families of origin also appear to be
particularly important to gay men and lesbians
as they undergo key transitions in the life course.
Lewin (1998) observed an ‘‘urge to carve out
a place in one’s (biological) family’’ among
gay men and lesbians having commitment
ceremonies (p. 122), and Goldberg and Smith
(2011) found that families of origin ‘‘occupy a
socially meaningful role in many lesbians’ and
gay men’s lives as they begin to form families
of their own’’ (p. 148). Several studies with gay
men and lesbians have found that becoming
parents improves relationships with families of
origin (Bergman, Rubio, Green, & Padron, 2010;
Gartrell et al., 2000; M. Sullivan, 2004). The
current study extends this literature by focusing
on gay men’s experiences with families of origin
during a newly available life course transition,
legal marriage.
Same-Sex Marriage
Because they are exposed to the same cultural
messages about the status and importance of
marriage as heterosexuals, it is not surprising
that a majority of gay men and lesbians surveyed
said they would like to marry someday (Kaiser
Family Foundation, 2001). In the absence of
legal marriage, many have sought other ways
to create marriage-like unions, such as through
commitment ceremonies (Hull, 2006; Lewin,
1998). Yet researchers have found that samesex couples recognize the ‘‘unique power of law
as a cultural resource’’ and desire legal marriage
(Hull, p. 142). Even when legal alternatives such
as civil unions or domestic partnerships are
available, a majority of those who have them
say they would have married if they could have
(Rothblum, Balsam, & Solomon, 2008).
Same-sex couples have used commitment
ceremonies ‘‘intentionally’’ to strengthen family
resilience (Oswald, 2002b). But without full
legal marriage, they have had only limited
success in gaining the support they desire
from heterosexual family members. Couples in
Hull’s (2006) study on commitment ceremonies
consistently highlighted the family support they
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received, but, when pressed for details, it
was clear they often dealt with disappointment
(p. 65). Similarly, Lewin (1998) found couples
having commitment ceremonies faced much
resistance from family members who were
hesitant to attend, urged them to make ceremonies modest, and refused to bring children or pose for photographs. She concluded,
‘‘Lesbian and gay weddings are, more frequently
than heterosexual weddings, occasions that mark
the collapse or the unreliability of family ties’’
(p. 121). These weddings had no legal status,
but Balsam and Beauchaine (2008) also found
having a legally recognized civil union did not
significantly increase family support. This may
be because these civil union couples did not
reside in states where their unions were legally
recognized. It is also possible that without the
term marriage, these unions lacked the same
cultural power to legitimate relationships.
Researchers have found that gay men and
lesbians have high expectations for legal
marriage. Participants in Lannutti’s (2007) webbased survey, conducted immediately after
the Massachusetts decision to legalize samesex marriage, believed marriage would result
in greater acceptance and legitimacy from
heterosexuals, especially families of origin.
Goldberg and Kuvalanka (2012) also found that
the (adolescent and emerging adult) children of
lesbian, gay, and bisexual parents thought legal
marriage offered important ‘‘symbolic benefits’’
for their families. Specifically, they believed it
would help mark their parents’ relationships
as ‘‘intelligible and legitimate’’ and was a
means of overcoming stigma and minimizing the
stressors that their families face in the broader,
heterosexist society.
Less research has directly explored the impact
of legal marriage on same-sex couples’ relationships with families of origin. In a survey
conducted 5 years after same-sex marriage legalization in Massachusetts, 42% of respondents
agreed that their family was more accepting
of their sexual orientation; 62% stated that
their family was more accepting of their partner now they were married (Ramos, Goldberg,
& Badgett, 2009). Likewise, interviewees said
marriage helped bring them closer to their
families, created extended families, and ‘‘transformed’’ how family members felt about their
relationships (Schecter, Tracy, Page, & Luong,
2008, p. 414). The current study extends this
research literature by offering a more focused
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Journal of Marriage and Family
exploration of the impact of marriage on family relationships. I draw on qualitative research
to capture a wider range of marital experiences
and investigate the relationship between marriage and family recognition, legitimation, and
support in greater depth.
METHOD
Sample and Recruitment
The findings presented in this article are drawn
from interviews with 32 legally married gay
men in Iowa, conducted in 2010 and 2011.
My criteria for inclusion in this study required
that participants had to be legally married
and residing in Iowa and that both spouses
agreed to take part in separate interviews.
Denied the right to marry within their own
states, many couples travel to Iowa to get
married. But having the state you live in
recognize your marriage adds a layer of legal
and social validity to the union, and I wanted
to capture this in my interviews. Recruitment
began in December 2009, 8 months after samesex marriage legalization went into effect in
Iowa, and continued until August 2010. I
recruited participants using three methods. First,
I contacted gay men’s community organizations
and asked them to advertise the study to
their members. Second, I contacted potential
participants directly via groups on an online
social networking website. Online groups ranged
from Iowa Pride networks to pub-crawl events
and chorus communities. Finally, I employed
snowballing techniques as the study progressed.
No incentive was offered for participation.
With the exception of one participant, all the
men identified as White. The predominance of
White participants could reflect the fact that
racial minorities marry at lower rates than White
same-sex couples (Carpenter & Gates, 2008).
As it is prohibited in Iowa to collect race
or ethnic data on couples who marry, I have
no way of knowing the racial diversity of the
larger population of same-sex married couples.
It could also reflect the difficulties of recruiting
non-White gay research participants (Moore,
2011). The sample is also fairly well educated,
with just over two thirds having at least a
bachelor’s degree, and fairly religious, with two
thirds having some current religious affiliation
(mostly Protestant). Most of the men lived in
urban areas or ‘‘clusters’’ (U.S. Bureau of the
Census, 2002). The sample is much more varied
with regards to age, income, and relationship
duration. Ages ranged from 21 to 70, with a
mean of 44. Annual individual incomes ranged
from below $10,000 to above $200,000, with the
median between $30,000 and $40,000. Couples
were together for an average of 9 1/2 years prior to
marriage, but relationship lengths ranged from
as little as 4 months to as much as 30 years.
Just under a third of couples previously had
a commitment ceremony or civil union. Only
one couple had a child while in their current
relationship, but just over a quarter of the
sample had children from previous heterosexual
relationships. About a third of the men had also
been previously married to women. At the time
of the interviews, participants had been legally
married for between 6 and 13 months.
Data Collection and Analysis
I collected data using an in-depth semistructured
interview method. I interviewed each spouse
separately, because marriage is composed of two
individuals who may experience the relationship
differently. Indeed, I found that partners often
had divergent family experiences. In presenting
my findings, I therefore treat the men as
individuals and explore their relationships with
both their families of origin and their husbands’
families of origin. Including both spouses was
advantageous because it allowed me to draw on
information from both partners to gain a more
complete picture of their family experiences.
All interviews were conducted via telephone.
Participants were asked to do the interview in
private, without their spouses present in the
same room. Telephone interviewing is often
used in research with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and
transgender (LGBT) populations (Goldberg &
Smith, 2008; Pfeffer, 2010) but has advantages
and drawbacks. Indirect, rather than face-toface interviewing can be advantageous for
research involving marginalized groups, because
it provides greater anonymity and allows them
to be more open than they would be in person
(Eeden-Moorefield, Proulx, & Pasley, 2008).
But it does not allow the interviewer to read
facial expressions or body language, which may
provide additional insights. Interview lengths
ranged from 45 minutes to 3 hours.
Interviews were recorded and transcribed verbatim. Transcripts were analyzed using an inductive method of open coding in which themes
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The Power and Limits of Marriage
emerged from participants’ responses rather than
prior conceptual categories (Charmaz, 2006).
Initial thematic codes were identified and then
aggregated and organized into more specific
subcategories. Analytic memos were written to
elaborate and theorize each major code and to
identify patterns across and within codes. In
the data reported below, pseudonyms have been
assigned to all participants and identifying information removed or altered.
RESULTS
In the following sections, I first describe participants’ expectations about the social and
symbolic benefits they would gain from legal
marriage. I then describe the positive family outcomes they perceived to result from marriage,
including greater recognition and legitimacy,
support, and new forms of family inclusion.
Next, I highlight the men’s negative family experiences and show how they both re-experienced
and encountered new experiences of family
rejection in response to their marriages. Finally,
I discuss how the impact of marriage on family relationships was ongoing, opening up new
opportunities for family change over time.
Expectations of Legal Marriage
When I asked the interviewees why they had
sought legal marriage, in addition to giving
personal reasons such as commitment and love, a
majority of the men discussed the social benefits
they had hoped to gain. Daniel (age 40), who had
been with his partner 10 years prior to marriage,
wanted other people to see and understand his
relationship more clearly. He explained, ‘‘We
had had people look at us with speculations
about who we are to each other’’ but ‘‘everybody
understands immediately what you are talking
about when you say husband, wife, or spouse . . .
and so we wanted to get that.’’ Nathan (age 40),
with his partner 11 years prior to marriage, told
me that although ‘‘I knew we would be together
no matter what, whether it was legal or not,’’
marriage would help other people to ‘‘recognize
we have devoted our lives together.’’ Drawing
on cultural ideas about the social prestige of
marriage, Mike (age 68), with his partner 8 years
prior to marriage, said: ‘‘The public element
was for us probably the most important thing
simply because we wanted to be seen together
as a successful loving gay couple.’’ A few
men also more specifically cited gaining support
from families of origin as a primary reason for
marriage. Alex (age 29) told me that marriage
was something he and his partner of 6 years felt
they ‘‘needed to do for our families,’’ to make
them ‘‘view our relationship as a serious one.’’
Those men who had previously had commitment ceremonies or civil unions (n = 10)
attached greater social expectations to their
legal marriage than to their previous commitments. They described previous unions as ways
to express commitment, gain God’s blessing, or
access legal protections, but not as means to
gain social or familial recognition and support.
Of note is that, with the exception of one couple,
these men had not invited family to previous
ceremonies, but did invite them to their legal
weddings. Moreover, just over a third of the
men who had not had a previous ceremony said
that they had chosen to wait for legal marriage
because they thought other unions lacked social
status and support. Robert (age 22), with his
partner 3 years prior to marriage, said that having a commitment ceremony had ‘‘never really
interested me because when I commit myself to
someone that’s good enough, but when legalized
marriage started coming into the picture it started
to dawn on me that one day it will be recognized.’’ But, as I describe next, the men’s experiences of marriage were more varied and complex
than they had expected. Although their hopes for
greater recognition and support were often met,
many of the men were also disappointed when
marriage made little difference to their family
relationships or taken aback and confused when
it unexpectedly changed them for the worse.
Perceived Positive Family Outcomes
Just over two thirds of the men in this study
(n = 21) perceived that getting legally married
had a positive impact on their relationships with
families of origin. The men discussed three kinds
of positive family outcomes: greater relationship
recognition and legitimacy, new expressions of
familial support, and additional family inclusion
and belonging.
Relationship recognition and legitimacy. Many
of the men in this study felt that other people
recognized and understood their relationship
differently once they were married. This
perception mainly applied to family members,
whom they believed now saw their relationship
196
as more ‘‘legitimate,’’ ‘‘solid,’’ and ‘‘real.’’
Some felt this added recognition and legitimacy
resulted from the permanence associated with
marriage. Steve (age 36), with his partner
1.5 years prior to marriage, explained:
I think it more solidified for [my mother] that this
was real, they went through all this, and they really
are a couple. Before I had a partner that I lived
with but we had never had a ceremony or anything.
And I think she, as much as she accepted him, it
wasn’t anything permanent in her eyes. And now
that this was done, this is permanent.
The permanence associated with marriage
also improved relationships with family members who had previously not supported them
at all. Paul (age 48), with his partner 7 years
prior to marriage, stated: ‘‘Marriage has eliminated their hopes we would break up. Now
the family knows they have to deal with us,
they understand this isn’t going away and we’re
going to have to cope with it. It gives legitimacy
to our relationship and even they can’t fight
that.’’
Other men suggested that marriage had helped
to define their relationship as one based on love
rather than sex. Andrew (age 70), with his partner 23 years prior to marriage, believed that after
he got married his daughter had an ‘‘epiphany’’
about his relationship because, in her mind, marriage was not just about ‘‘who we choose to have
sex with’’ but rather ‘‘who we choose to love
and be with.’’ Even though Andrew had been
with his partner for so long, marriage enabled his
daughter to see their relationship ‘‘in a different light.’’ Despite the long-term and committed
nature of these men’s relationships, their family
members were only able to perceive them as
‘‘permanent’’ and ‘‘about love’’ in the context
of marriage.
The added recognition and legitimacy granted
by marriage might sound familiar to heterosexuals, but gay men’s marital experiences occur in
a different context and carry different meanings.
Heterosexual couples are free to get married
and signal the importance of their relationships
whenever they decide. By contrast, gay men
have only recently gained access to marriage and
may have been in a relationship for many years
without a way to accurately communicate its
significance to others. Some of the men felt that
the rings they had worn for years had little meaning outside their own relationship and described
how attempts to classify their relationship as
Journal of Marriage and Family
‘‘married’’ had faced strong resistance. Tom
(age 49), with his partner 10 years prior to marriage, told me that ‘‘for many, many years, up
until weeks before the marriage,’’ if he referred
to his partner Daniel as his husband in front
of other relatives, his mother would whisper,
‘‘please don’t call him your husband.’’
Prior to marriage, it had also been easier
for some family members to ignore the men’s
relationships and pretend they did not exist.
But marriage and the terminology of ‘‘husband’’ made their relationships more visible.
Chris (age 61), with his partner 31 years prior to
marriage, believed marriage gave his relatives
‘‘permission’’ to more openly acknowledge his
relationship:
Especially relatives that didn’t know [we were a
couple] even though we have been together for
so long [laughs]—you know I would write to
them and tell them about him and everything but
they, it’s like now they have gotten permission
to [acknowledge the relationship], that’s it’s okay
now because someone said it was.
Marriage also helped some men to be more
confident discussing their relationships with
family members. Brian (age 60), with his partner
7 years prior to marriage, admitted that ‘‘calling each other ‘husband’ has allowed us to be
more honest and forthright, rather than dancing
around the issue that this was my ‘friend.’’’
Powell et al. (2010) found that marriage defines
relationships and helps make them ‘‘count.’’ Yet
these examples show that the added recognition
granted by marriage uniquely affects perceptions of gay couples because their unmarried
relationships are less visible and often ignored
and devalued.
Expressions of familial support. In addition to
feelings of greater recognition and legitimacy,
many men also discussed receiving more
explicit expressions of support from family
members. Their family members may have
already supported their relationship before they
married, but they had not expressed it so openly
before, and several of the men believed that
without marriage it is unlikely they ever would
have. Tim (age 37), with his partner 11 years
prior to marriage, explained:
Many of them hadn’t said that before we got
married. You know, even though I think their
actions showed they supported us, you know,
The Power and Limits of Marriage
many people didn’t actually tell us that . . . . I think
many of those people already felt that way, but
just us getting married, they had to acknowledge
that and felt the need to tell us.
Just having family members attend the wedding
was regarded as a significant sign of support.
Some recognized this was not an easy decision
for their family members. Alex (age 29), with
his partner 6 years prior to marriage, recounted
how his husband’s grandparents had debated
attending their wedding because of their Catholic
religious beliefs:
They told his dad, ‘‘You know, we love them,
but we just can’t do it. It’s against everything
we believe in.’’ And his father told them, ‘‘You
know, whatever, they’ll probably understand.’’
[But then] they called him on Father’s Day and
said, ‘‘We decided that we’re just going to put it
behind us because we really enjoy them and we’re
really proud of them, and we want to be there.’’
Alex thought it was ‘‘really cool’’ that they
chose to show support, despite disagreeing with
same-sex marriage. Regardless of their initial
hesitation or views on same-sex marriage, the
important thing for him was that they ultimately
decided to attend the wedding.
Weddings also created other opportunities
for family members to express support. Several
men discussed how family members had written
thoughtful messages in cards or said things
during wedding rituals, such as receiving lines
and speeches. Some men solicited these kinds of
support. Ryan (age 59), with his partner 11 years
prior to marriage, asked his guests to write
a message in their wedding album instead of
bringing a gift. Despite being solicited, this led
to unexpected expressions of family support.
Ryan told me:
My dad; I sometimes thought he was out of it, but
he wrote this most beautiful message that told us
how proud of us he was that we were taking this
step, and now he didn’t have three sons, he had
four sons, and it was enough to make you cry.
. . . I might have lived my entire life and not had
this opportunity, and they wouldn’t have had the
opportunity to congratulate me, so for them it was
a big deal to take advantage of it.
Descriptions like these of family members
expressing support and pride suggest that, as in
heterosexual marriage, these men’s marriages
were regarded as significant life course events
197
and achievements, and signaled to others a willingness to take an important ‘‘step’’ in their
lives.
It is not clear if expressions of support translated into increased provision of instrumental
support. Rather, the kind of support these men
described was symbolic. But several men told
me that receiving these expressions of support
improved the quality of family relationships.
Ryan told me that before the wedding he and his
brother ‘‘didn’t talk very much.’’ Now, after his
family ‘‘all made a point of saying how proud
they are that we made this move,’’ they had
‘‘become closer.’’ Similarly, Dominic (age 65),
with his partner 6 years prior to marriage, said he
had not expected his older brother to come to the
wedding, but he did and now their relationship is
‘‘incredibly better than it was.’’ His brother was
planning to visit and spend a week with them,
whereas before the wedding they ‘‘barely talked
to each other.’’
Family inclusion and belonging. It was also
common for the men to experience new forms of
inclusion and connectedness in their husbands’
families as a result of marriage, even among
those who had been with their partner for
many years. For some, like Andrew (age 70),
this involved being welcomed as ‘‘part of the
family’’ for the first time:
After the wedding his brother came up to me and
said welcome to the family, even though I’d been
essentially a part of the family for 23 years. It
really felt like it had changed the nature of that
relationship.
Daniel (age 40), with his partner 10 years
prior to marriage, shared a similar story:
I usually don’t go down to where Tom’s mom lives
for Christmas, but I wanted to go down this year,
just because we had had the wedding ceremony.
This was the first time she’d mentioned me as
son-in-law, and she usually doesn’t pray at her
events or dinner, but she did, and she thanked God
for her son-in-law.
Recall that before they married, Daniel’s
mother-in-law had asked his husband Tom
to stop referring to him as his ‘‘husband.’’
Having the title of ‘‘in-law’’ also helped forge
closer relationships with other family members
who shared this position. For example, Nathan
(age 40), with his partner 11 years prior to
198
marriage, said he had become much closer to his
husband’s sister-in-law because now they shared
this ‘‘common joke of being the in-laws.’’
Many of the men also reported that family
members showed more interest in their partner
once they were married and started including him
in new ways. Chris (age 61), with his partner
30 years prior to marriage, said his relatives
started asking about his husband more, asking
how he was or what he was doing. He insisted,
‘‘They weren’t asking those things before.’’
Brian (age 60), with his partner 7 years prior to
marriage, told me that his husband’s Mormon
family had recently added him as a Facebook
friend. When I asked why he thought they had not
done that before, he replied that ‘‘even though
they weren’t friendly to the idea of a same-sex
couple being together’’ now they had to ‘‘wrap
[their] heads around treating us as a married
couple.’’ He added, ‘‘Without legal marriage it
would either take a lot longer for that to happen
or may never have happened.’’ Patrick (age 31),
with his partner 6 years prior to marriage, said
his sister had started including his husband on
family e-mails. He explained that now she saw
that ‘‘this is actually a serious relationship’’
and so she thinks he should be included in
communications. For some, being married also
changed the way they felt about their place in the
husband’s family. They felt more ‘‘confident’’
and ‘‘at ease’’ around their husband’s family
now. This newly felt confidence also led them to
‘‘speak up at family discussions’’ and express
their views more openly.
Although most men reported more inclusion
in their husbands’ families, being married also
made some feel they belonged more in their own
families. For example, Jake (age 59), with his
partner 23 years prior to marriage, re-imagined
his place in his family in the following way:
I was just looking a couple of hours ago, watching
while he was working outside and thinking, ‘‘He’s
my husband!’’ You know? I’m, I’m like my
brothers and sisters [pause]. I feel like I’m more,
in a way, a part of my own family because that’s
happened. Just that I—like them—I’m married.
I’m less an outsider.
These examples provide striking reminders of
the power of marriage to define family status
and belonging, something gay men and lesbians
are excluded from when they are denied the
right to marry. They underscore how marriage
automatically defines someone as family in
Journal of Marriage and Family
a way that years of commitment and shared
experiences may not. Nevertheless, as I show
next, the men’s marriages were also commonly
resisted and rejected by family members. These
experiences caused a great deal of pain, no matter
how supportive other family members had been.
Perceived Negative Family Outcomes
Half of the men (n = 16) described some kind
of negative experience with families of origin
surrounding their marriages. These were not a
different subsection of the sample than those
who had experienced positive family outcomes.
Rather, the same men experienced both positive and negative family outcomes in response
to their marriages. These men discussed two
broad types of negative family outcomes: reexperiencing rejection from already unsupportive family members and new experiences of
rejection from family members who had previously seemed supportive.
Re-experiencing rejection. Even if the men’s
family members had made it clear that they did
not support the relationship long before they
decided to get married, some men admitted
that the prospect of marriage led them to hope
for greater acceptance. Carl (age 21), with his
partner 3 years prior to marriage, gave this
description of asking his parents for support
despite their history of being uncomfortable with
his relationship:
[My parents] were working on the roof of their
house and I’m trying to sit there while they’re
working and ask them for support. I just remember
them very clearly saying, ‘‘No, absolutely not, why
would you expect that?’’ I expected it but hoped
for something else, you know? I was hoping I’d
say it and they’d say great, good for you, we’ll be
there.
Allowing themselves to hope for greater
acceptance often led to renewed disappointment.
In this way, getting married forced some men to
face the conditional nature of their family bonds
again and to relive the pain they felt when they
first came out to family members.
These men did not necessarily expect that
marriage would transform the way their family
members felt about their relationships. In
the excitement of getting married, some just
allowed themselves to hope for support, as
Carl did. Others believed that the wedding
The Power and Limits of Marriage
was a sufficiently important occasion that
unsupportive family members would set aside
their disapproval and be there for them, if only
for the day. Frank (age 66), with his partner
6 years prior to marriage, believed his brother
and sister-in-law would attend his wedding even
though they did not support his relationship
or same-sex marriage. He even sent them a
‘‘special note’’ saying how much he hoped they
would attend, but they refused. I asked Frank
if he was expecting that response. He replied,
‘‘I don’t know if I was expecting that; no, I
really thought they would come, even though
they are very religious; I was really feeling
like they would be supportive of me in spite
of that.’’ He expected familial support would
surpass reservations about same-sex marriage,
or that it could be offered temporarily ‘‘in spite
of’’ them on his wedding day.
New experiences of rejection. In the aforementioned examples, even though it was a painful
experience, rejection largely reiterated preexisting ideas about an unsupportive family member.
Yet more common were situations in which
men assumed they had supportive relationships
with family members and were then forced to
reassess them in light of negative reactions to
the marriage. Just as marriage led some family
members to more openly express their support, it led others to more openly express their
disapproval.
Most unexpected statements of rejection came
in response to the wedding invitation. Brian (age
60), with his partner 7 years prior to marriage,
discussed how he felt when his children refused
to attend his wedding. Although his children
were ‘‘very religious,’’ Brian was confident he
and his husband had a good relationship with
them, as they had recently taken his children on
vacation. He wrote them a letter acknowledging
their beliefs but explaining that his wedding was
‘‘a very important day’’ and asking them to
come. His children’s pastor advised them not
to attend ‘‘lest it appear they condone same-sex
marriage.’’ When his son called to tell him that
none of his children would be at the wedding,
Brian was devastated.
[I had not expected that reaction because] they are
with Paul and me a lot. . . . I left the restaurant
when my son called, crying. . . . I let, 24, 48 hours
go by and I drafted a letter [explaining that] it was
my hope that you could love me unconditionally,
199
just as I love you unconditionally and just be here
to hold my hand [crying] on the most important
day of my life. And so I got another call from my
son, and he said, ‘‘Gosh, Dad, we didn’t mean to
hurt your feelings. You know, we see from the
letter that you’re pretty disappointed that we’re
not going to be there.’’ [Laughs] Well, that’s an
understatement.
Despite acknowledging their father’s disappointment, they did not attend the wedding.
Brian explained his feelings this way:
Having family embrace you and acknowledge that
this is a legitimate marriage is for them to show up
and celebrate with you on the most important day
of your life. If they don’t, it’s non-acceptance. . . .
You’re less than other family members.
Many other men also expressed surprise
that family members they had assumed to be
supportive refused to attend their weddings.
Toby (age 35) and his husband Ethan (age 26),
together 5 years prior to marriage, had visited
Toby’s sister and brother-in-law regularly. So
Toby was confused when his brother-in-law
said he ‘‘supported same-sex marriage’’ but was
‘‘having some real trouble with it and wasn’t
sure he was going to come.’’ This caused a lot
of ‘‘tension’’ between them all. Aaron (age 30),
with his partner 6 years prior to marriage, was
hurt when his brother would not let his children
attend his wedding, even though he is godfather
to one of them. Gordon (age 26), with his partner
3 years prior to marriage, was surprised when
an uncle who had always been nice to them sent
him a letter explaining that he ‘‘respected us but
didn’t want to see it.’’ Gordon said when he sees
his uncle he will talk to him but ‘‘it will never
be the way it was before.’’
Other men had similar experiences, in which
family members expressed love while also
letting them know they did not approve. Carl
(age 21), with his partner 3 years prior to
marriage, described a call he received from his
husband’s aunt on their wedding day:
Robert’s always been close to his aunt, and he
remembers her telling him that she would always
love him no matter what. . . . Well, on our wedding
day, I got a phone call from her; Robert was not at
the house, and she was saying, you know, ‘‘Tell
Robert that I love him even though this is not
what I would hope for him, that I still love him’’
[emphasis by interviewee]. That surprised me. Of
course I never told Robert until later that she didn’t
approve, I just said that she loved him; I didn’t
want to ruin the wedding day.
200
In fact, Robert’s aunt was true to her word.
She offered love despite her disapproval of his
marriage. But love was not always enough for
some men in this study, who could no longer
view family members in the same way if they
failed to support their marriages.
In the above instances, family members
expressed a general disapproval of same-sex
marriage, but the men’s narratives also revealed
more specific instances of disapproval, in which
family members reacted negatively only if and
when the men appeared to ask for too much
acceptance. If the men asked their families to
actively participate in their weddings or if they
displayed their marriages too openly, then it was
not uncommon for family members to react
with indignation. For example, some family
members refused to pose in wedding photos and
got angry about the public nature of newspaper
wedding announcements, suggesting they felt
embarrassed by ordinary wedding rituals. For
one man, just referring to his ‘‘husband’’ in
casual conversation provoked anger. At a family
gathering about a year after his marriage, Jake
(age 59), with his partner 23 years prior to
marriage, asked his nephew, with whom he
had always got on well, if he had seen his
husband anywhere. His nephew got very close
and aggressively demanded, ‘‘Don’t you ever
say that word again.’’ In these cases, it seems
that when the men engaged in particularly
public or heterosexual marital practices, they
crossed the limits of what their families
were willing to tolerate and triggered their
anger.
Legal marriage also made the men’s relationships too real for some men’s family members,
who could no longer ignore aspects of the relationship about which they felt uncomfortable.
Frank (age 66), with his partner 6 years prior to
marriage, told me that his brother had asked that
when he and his husband visit they ‘‘honor his
home and abstain [from sex],’’ whereas before
the wedding they had stayed in his guest room
many times without being told how to behave.
Frank decided to visit his brother only during the
day and stay somewhere else; he said that now
his relationship with his brother is ‘‘very different.’’ In this example, sharing a room was
an ambiguous behavior before the wedding,
but marriage had unambiguously defined their
relationship as sexual, making Frank’s brother
uncomfortable. When I asked Frank for an explanation, he suggested the legitimacy marriage
Journal of Marriage and Family
gave their relationship could also help explain
his brother’s behavior:
I think that being married defines that it’s supposed
to be legitimate, that we are equal to them, and
before they could look kind of down on us as we
have this thing going and we just have to forgive
them, but now when the state supports us then it
becomes a real different issue and if they then go
along with it they are then condoning a sin much
more.
The additional definition and legitimacy marriage conferred on Frank’s relationship made
him lose acceptance because his relationship
became more difficult to ignore or ‘‘condone.’’
The Ongoing Impact of Marriage on Family
Relationships
As has been recognized in other research, no
action or inaction on the part of families of origin
is irrevocable, and rejection and acceptance are
not static conditions (M. Sullivan, 2004, p. 126).
Several of the men’s narratives about marriage
highlighted the ongoing impact of marriage on
family relationships. Negative reactions were
not always cause for the abandonment or
disintegration of family relationships. Rather,
they were sometimes interpreted as a sign that
the relationship required more work. When Brian
talked about his children’s decision not to attend
his wedding, he recognized it was a ‘‘pivotal
point’’ in his relationship with them:
I think that was a point in life, where, you know,
sometimes a crevasse forms, and a chasm forms
that can’t be crossed anymore. That’s where sometimes you get these situations, familial situations
where people say ‘‘I’m not going to talk to my
brother for 20 years.’’ You know? And I think that
moment could have been that with my kids.
But equally important was the way he
responded over the months that followed.
Despite being immensely hurt, he saw it as a sign
that he still had to ‘‘work on’’ his relationship
with them. At the time of the interview, he
was planning another family vacation with his
children.
Family issues that surfaced in response to
the marriage continued to evolve over time.
In some cases, the disapproval and anger that
surfaced over the marriage eventually opened
up opportunities for negotiation with family
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The Power and Limits of Marriage
members. Robert (age 22) and Carl (age 21),
together 3 years prior to marriage, endured
many arguments with Robert’s grandparents
about their marriage. For example, Robert’s
grandfather had been furious when Carl decided
to take on ‘‘his family name’’ (emphasis by
interviewee). These issues came to a head some
time after their wedding when they asked Carl
not to be in a professional family picture. Robert
refused to be in it, insisting his grandparents
include both of them or get neither. It was at
this moment, after months of resistance, that
his grandmother reevaluated her behavior. She
conceded that if someone had requested the same
of her she would have reacted the same way
and convinced his grandfather they were being
unfair. Offering a summary of his relationship
with his husband’s grandparents, Carl stated:
‘‘At first it was rocky, but once we got out to sea
a little bit everything calmed down and now it’s
fantastic.’’ Still, his evaluation may have been
an overstatement because at Christmas they gave
him gifts but only the grandmother’s name was
on them. Carl said he ‘‘didn’t make a big deal
about it; the fact I got gifts was important to me.’’
Being married also empowered several men to
challenge discrimination from their family members. In the year after their marriage, they stood
up to their families in ways they had never done
before. Jake (age 59), with his partner 23 years
prior to marriage, explained how being ‘‘disinvited’’ from a family reunion after they got
married because they would ‘‘disrupt it’’ made
him realize he would not tolerate homophobia
anymore:
I’m more assertive about gay issues because in a
way now it affects my marriage. Anything that has
to do with gay people, whether me or somebody
else, affects my life and it affects Sam’s life. And
don’t mess with that [laughs]. Just do not mess with
that [more seriously] because I will not tolerate it.
I didn’t have quite that edge before. I feel more
protective of him in that way now. You can’t talk
that way about my husband.
Examples like these illustrate that both the
men and their family members underwent
changes in their thinking and behavior over time.
The men’s marriages did not always automatically grant them the recognition, legitimacy, and
support they had hoped for. Instead, marriage
sometimes acted as a catalyst for changes to
family relationships that then required ongoing
work.
DISCUSSION
Gay Men’s Relationships With Families of
Origin Across the Transition to Marriage
The frequency and emotion with which the
men described experiences with their families
confirms what others have found about the continued importance of families of origin to adult
gay men and lesbians (Oswald 2000, 2002a).
In accordance with previous literature, my findings about marriage also demonstrate that family
relationships may undergo significant changes as
gay men and lesbians experience key transitions
in the life course (Goldberg & Smith, 2011;
Lewin, 1998; M. Sullivan, 2004). Indeed, my
findings suggest that marriage can be a significant turning point for gay men’s relationships
with families of origin. Part of the change was
internally motivated—once married, some men
developed new expectations about how they
wanted to be seen and treated by their families.
But a large part of the change was external:
their marriages prompted heterosexual family
members to express views on the relationship
more openly, offer and withdraw support, and
develop new ways to integrate and exclude the
couple in family activities. In turn, these varied responses to their marriages provided the
men with new and often unexpected information
about the strength and fragility of their family relationships, resulting in reassessments and
changes that were both immediate and ongoing.
According to Powell et al. (2010), Americans draw on both marriage and parenthood
to define family status. Yet the kind of experiences gay men have with families of origin
when they get married may be very different
than those experienced when they become parents. Previous research found that, in terms of
family outcomes, children seem to be the central drivers of change for new parents. Gay and
lesbian parents often experienced that families
come together for the child and unite around that
‘‘common interest’’ (Bergman et al., 2010), and
this occurred regardless of feelings about the
parental relationship. By contrast, in the case of
marriage, it is the changing status of the adult
relationship that impacts family change. Celebrating a marriage requires that family members
show direct support for same-sex couple relationships, something that, as my findings illustrate, is still difficult for some to do. Moreover,
whereas some family members refuse to recognize same-sex relationships even in the context
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Journal of Marriage and Family
of marriage, children are likely much harder to
ignore. Therefore, marriage and parenthood may
create and disrupt family bonds in somewhat different ways. More research is needed to further
elucidate the family experiences gay men and
lesbians have across these life course transitions.
My findings also offer much more varied
and complex findings than previous literature
on same-sex marriage, which has highlighted
only its positive impact on family relationships
(Ramos et al., 2009; Schecter et al., 2008). In
contrast, I found that although getting legally
married did, in many cases, lead to new
positive experiences with families of origin,
it also commonly had negative consequences,
including renewed rejection and the loss of
family support. Moreover, gains from marriage
were not always automatic. Sometimes the men
had to fight for the status they expected to gain
from marriage, and this took time.
There are several possible explanations for the
higher levels of family rejection I found compared to previous scholarship. Survey research
(Ramos et al., 2009) provided participants less
opportunity to report on varied family experiences because it allowed only for responses
about how accepting or supportive one’s ‘‘family’’ is in general. Moreover, when survey participants responded they ‘‘somewhat agree’’ their
families were more supportive post-marriage it
was interpreted as expressing only agreement.
Participants in previous research may have also
been reluctant to disclose negative marital outcomes, either because they were too painful to
discuss or because they were reluctant to offer
information that could be misused by opponents
of marriage equality. I found some evidence
of this. When I asked the men directly how
their families responded to their marriage, the
vast majority gave general statements about
how supportive they were, even though half
then recounted at least one instance in which a
family member reacted negatively. Hull (2006)
also found something similar about commitment
ceremonies. Finally, the greater prominence of
rejection in this study may reflect the focus on
gay men and the fact that they face more societal
sexual prejudice than lesbians (Herek, 2002).
The Legitimating Potential of Same-Sex
Marriage
The finding that married gay men experience
both greater support and greater rejection
warrants further attention and consideration.
To date, marriage has largely been seen as a
way of overcoming stigma and gaining greater
recognition and legitimacy for same-sex couples
(Herek, 2006; Meezan & Rauch, 2005). But my
findings highlight the ways marriage might also
result in increased rejection and loss of support;
these negative marital experiences should not be
downplayed. To be clear, this is not an argument
against same-sex marriage. Rather, my findings
suggest more work is needed to fully understand
both the legitimating power and limits of
marriage for same-sex couples and their families.
Many of the men in this study had internalized
cultural expectations about the legitimating
power of legal marriage, echoing findings in
previous literature about what same-sex couples
and their children hoped to gain from marriage
(Goldberg & Kuvalanka, 2012; Lannutti, 2007).
To some extent, these high expectations are
born out. More than two thirds of the men in this
study perceived that marriage helped them gain
recognition, legitimacy, support, and inclusion
from families of origin. In particular, my
findings highlight that some heterosexual family
members are only able to perceive their gay
kin’s relationships as ‘‘permanent’’ and ‘‘about
love’’ in the context of legal marriage, despite
the long-term and committed nature of many
of these men’s relationships. My findings also
illustrate that the added recognition granted by
marriage uniquely affects gay couples because
their unmarried relationships are less visible to
and more often ignored and devalued by others.
In addition, many of the men in this study
described receiving other kinds of ‘‘symbolic’’
benefits from marriage, including more explicit
expressions of support. Weddings in particular
appear to create new opportunities for others
to show support for same-sex relationships,
through attendance and participation, thoughtful
gifts and messages in cards, as well as reception
toasts and speeches. For some men, this marked
the first time they had received clear expressions of support from their heterosexual family
members. Further research should investigate
whether marriage also leads to more tangible
kinds of family support for same-sex couples,
such as financial or practical support. Many men
in this study also recounted new experiences of
inclusion in their partners’ families after marriage. They were officially welcomed into the
partner’s family for the first time, referred to with
family terminology, such as ‘‘son-in-law,’’ and
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The Power and Limits of Marriage
included in family communications and events.
In addition to defining relationships as ‘‘legitimate,’’ for these men marriage automatically
defined them as family, even though years of
commitment and shared experiences had not.
These findings offer striking examples of the
power of marriage to define family status and
belonging (Powell et al., 2010).
Just fewer than half of the men described some
negative marital experience they had with families of origin. These findings also offer insight
into the legitimating potential of marriage for
same-sex couples. Support and rejection were
not either/or situations, in the sense that some
men’s families reacted positively and other
men’s negatively. Most men experienced both
positive and negative family outcomes. Moreover, there were no simple patterns to explain
variation in family experiences, such as how old
the men were or how long they had been with
their partners. Therefore, it is not something
about the individual men or their particular marriages that explain differing family responses.
Instead, I suggest that my findings reflect two
different characteristics of marriage in the United
States, which for gay men might operate in tandem and in tension with one another: marriage
as a powerful cultural ideal and legitimating
institution (Cherlin, 2009) and marriage as an
institution that maintains and reproduces heterosexuality (Ingraham, 2008). The men’s marriages opened up new opportunities for family
recognition and inclusion, while simultaneously
prompting ‘‘boundary work’’ (Heath, 2012)
from their family members to maintain categories of difference between them and reassert
the normalcy and privilege of heterosexual marriage. Their experiences illustrate that gay men’s
marriages can be both a means of obtaining
legitimacy and a challenge to heterosexual relationships as the only legitimated family form.
Notably, most instances of rejection were
related specifically to the men’s weddings and
did not necessarily represent complete rejection
of them or their relationships. To be sure, some
men’s family members had already rejected
them long before their wedding; their marriage made little difference. But more common
were instances in which weddings provoked
disapproval from family members who had
previously been supportive. Ingraham (2008)
offers a useful conceptual frame for understanding this. She argued ‘‘weddings are concentrated sites for the operation and reproduction
of organized heterosexuality’’ (p. 3) and ‘‘rituals of heterosexual celebration’’ (p. 28). But
a ‘‘heterosexual imaginary,’’ a way of thinking that relies on romantic and sacred notions
of heterosexual behaviors as naturally occurring, usually prevents people from seeing how
heterosexuality is socially constructed through
weddings and marriage. Same-sex weddings can
be conceptualized as instances of disruption to
the ‘‘heterosexual imaginary,’’ provoking resistance and backlash from others, even one’s
own family members. Weddings not only make
homosexual relationships more visible, they also
celebrate them as ‘‘natural’’ and legitimate. This
could help explain why family attendance at their
weddings was so important to the men in this
study and was experienced as a qualitatively new
kind of support, and why family members who
were previously supportive refused to attend the
weddings or let their children attend.
Limitations
Although I have drawn on existing marriage and
sexualities literatures to offer some preliminary
analysis of my findings, I remain cautious in
interpreting the men’s family experiences for
several reasons. First, the findings focus on gay
men’s subjective perceptions of their family
experiences and may not reflect how their
family members actually felt or behaved. More
family scholarship is needed to investigate how
heterosexuals experience same-sex marriages
and the meanings they attach to them. Future
research should also seek more nuanced
understandings of the determinants of gay men’s
experiences with families of origin. For example,
it might explore the role religion plays in
heterosexuals’ reactions to same-sex marriage or
investigate whether gay men’s family members
reside in states that recognize same-sex marriage
and how this impacts their responses.
This study is also limited by its focus on men
and Iowa, as well as its fairly well-educated,
religious, and predominantly White sample.
Findings should not be generalized to other populations who may have different experiences of
marriage. As qualitative research, it was not the
intended purpose to produce statistically generalizable results. Instead, findings should be
used to inform theory about same-sex marriage
and generate new hypotheses about an as-yet
sparsely investigated area of family scholarship. Subsequent research on same-sex marriage
204
Journal of Marriage and Family
should seek to expand this sample and discern
how the experiences of other populations, particularly lesbians, compare to the experiences of
the men in this study. Moreover, family acceptance may be of greater importance to married
gay men than those who choose not to marry.
Future research on same-sex marriage would
benefit from investigating differences across
married and unmarried groups and broadening
the scope of inquiry to explore how unmarried gay men and lesbians experience same-sex
marriage legalization.
Conclusion
This study contributes to our knowledge of how
adult gay men experience relationships with
families of origin across a newly available life
course transition, legal marriage. My findings
provide powerful evidence of the continued
importance of families of origin to gay men
and illustrate how changes in relationship
status impact both previously supportive and
unsupportive family relationships. The men’s
narratives also contribute to our understanding of
the legitimating potential of same-sex marriage.
By incorporating them into such an accepted
schema of American life, marriage often helped
the men gain recognition and support for their
relationships, demonstrating its potential to
alter attitudes toward same-sex relationships.
But the men’s marriages were also frequently
rejected, most likely because they challenged
ideas about the naturalness and importance
of heterosexuality. In discussing debates over
same-sex marriage, Walters (2001) recognized
that a ‘‘new era of visibility’’ produces two
kinds of realities for gay men and lesbians: ‘‘the
hopeful moments of rights and inclusion and the
fearful moments of victimization and reaction’’
(p. 340). The personal family experiences of the
men in this study both reflect and illuminate
these broader social trends.
NOTE
Thanks to Kristen Schilt, Mario Small, Barbara Risman,
Amy Brainer, and the members of my writing group at the
University of Chicago for all their valuable suggestions.
Special thanks also to the men that participated in this study
for their time and insights.
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