Bite Hard
By Justin Chin
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About this ebook
The first collection by award-winning performance artist/poet Justin Chin. In Bite Hard, Chin explores his identity as an Asian, a gay man, an artist, and a lover. He rails against both his own life experiences and society's limitations and stereotypes with scathing humor, bare-bones honesty, and unblinking detail. Whether addressing "what really goes on in the kitchen of Chinese restaurants" or a series of ex-boyfriends, all named Michael, Chin displays his remarkable emotional range and voice as a poet. His raw, incantatory, stream-of-consciousness poems confront issues of race, desire, and loss with a compelling urgency that reflects his work as in performance, speaking directly to an audience. Throughout this collection, Chin demonstrates his uncanny ability to convey thought-provoking viewpoints on a variety of controversial subjects.
Justin Chin
Justin Chin lives in San Francisco. His work has appeared in many anthologies and magazines. He is the author of a book of essays, Mongrel, and a book of poetry, Bite Hard (Manic D Press), which was a 1998 Lambda Literary Award Finalist.
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Bite Hard - Justin Chin
Lingual Guilts
Bitter
Bitterness comes as revolution,
cyclic, a snake
biting its tail scales,
a dog nipping its tail hairs, bitter,
continuity achieved by subtlety,
perceptions played out,
questions followed by answers,
ask, answer, some days
you will know, others
you wake to nothing of the same,
the smell of washed grass,
I have this theory: the rain
each drop, big as bees, falls
with a velocity to bore into the ground,
tilling the grass smell out
of the air pockets in the earth,
the pine cones and the sea smell
saltiness washed clean with Absolut,
this is another country,
this is a different place,
the water tastes different
and the Indian money changer
with the stained dhoti and turban
smelling of coconut oils and incense,
sitting cross-legged at his pavement box store
respects you for your money,
and your whiteness stands out
like wine stains on the hotel sheets,
where I spilled a half bottle
as we wrestled, our naked bodies
pressed against the sweaty halfjest,
facing the expansiveness
of the night and the buzzing
traffic, plays
its points of red and yellow
against the window panes
while we lay watching the stars
quiver and descend to inches
before our eyes as strangers
start to sprout hair all over
their arms, faces, legs and slowly
turn into large orangutans driving taxicabs,
and the universe churns around us
like a ride at Disneyland,
disappearing into flat
unbroken scheme.
These were the lost years,
writing really bad poems,
arguing with border guards,
this Walkman is not new,
there’s no tax anyway,
reading incomprehensible Beckett plays,
discussing Gide and Orton
tripping on dope bought from the bellboy,
cheap wine from the Japanese departmental store,
working on my tan,
trying to add inches to my arms,
listening to you detail your research
on crossculturalisms, here,
as we get off at the station
built to look like a mosque
with the grandeur of bright mosaic
tiles spiraling up dome structures
and intricately craved wood
panelings to hide the grime
and the weary travelers,
rudely shouting at everybody.
In the restroom, I squat
hovering over the hole in the floor
trying to work the uneasiness
out of my stomach as I hear scraping
of feet in the stall beside me,
under the partition, there are two pairs
of shoes, moving in a slow, frantic,
desperate dance, trying to carve
a small slice of validity, to find their heaven
in this hemisphere of spent contradictions,
in this two feet of shit-odored
space, they have found their judgment
and I leave them
to find a pay phone,
my father tells me that the sultana is dead,
the TV programmings have been replaced
with Koranic dirges and everybody
is expected to wear black armbands:
mandatory mourning will be checked on
by the police, so he wears an armband even
while playing all eighteen holes of golf,
to be Chinese here is a bloody crime,
he says and tells me to come home soon.
Clutching our tickets to the crosswise
third-class seats, we slouch backwards
towards the darkness, feeling
the close and warmth of our bodies
disentangle and the distance, marked
by the ashes of burning cane fields sticking
to our flesh, the attraction between two bodies
defined beyond gravity
grows heavy as the night falls,
and waving kampung children
accompanied by their elders and parents
give way to paddy fields and tobacco plantations,
lit by night lights and the glow
of the owner’s small huts,
speed in front of our field of vision
hushing us to sleep, until
the feeling of urgency wakes me,
heart beating like slacks in a bicycle chain,
I find your body twitching ecstatically
while you rub yourself and metal shards
trickle out of your pants zipper
and turn rusty as I catch them
in my palm before they hit the floor,
the red dust etches itself into the
lines of my hands and the Nonya woman
sitting across the aisle, facing me,
takes my hands, spits into them,
the metal cuts into my hands
and I am left holding the remnants
of our sex, like an offering
to saints unknown, gods unbelieved,
searching for the spiritual
in the physicalness of your body,
dust weaves a maze into our bones,
femur holding suspended fragments
of torn secrecy, jealousy, bitter,
hip bone framing the ravishing, all
held in place with ligaments
fragile as pins and cobwebs,
straining to the lure of hunger,
as we make our way in the splash
of early morning sunlight, yellow
throwing long drawn out shadows
on the walls, through the first-class carriage,
through the recycled air-conditioned air,
smelling of sweating passengers, bleary-eyed
agog at the English-dubbed, the original
Cantonese captioned, kung fu movie
on the small TV screen, dangling
like bait from the ceiling,
to the dining car where
the overpriced cheese sandwiches melt
deliciously sticky and rancid.
The pull of the station brings us
to our destination,
as we set on the platform,
a swarm of brown-skinned boys, all
flashing their brightest Colgate smiles
want to take your backpack, help you
find a hotel, take you to lunch,
let you take them to dinner;
I am not an entity here,
I am competition in their minds,
more likely some cheap slut, a paid whore
who can be bested easily, they know that.
We find our regular boarding house
and the German expatriate,
a longtime resident, greets us and displays
the new boy he picked up in the park,
gave a good scrubbing to and dressed
in neatly pressed schoolboy outfits
for as long as the skinny wide-eyed
fawning boy wants to give handjobs.
The boy offers to do your laundry,
the English woman, a new resident,
invites us for a drink up on the roof
this evening, everybody seems glad
to see you again and the voices
flood into us like madness, pulling
us into the tenderness of untruth.
I invent space, poison, bitter,
snake bites, safety,
fester, if you boil roses
for twenty hours with a teaspoon
of fine sugar, stirring
clockwise, then steaming your face
in the saccharin fumes,
you will be loved, I invent
sweeping, mementos, maturity
and still, nothing
moves, stillness holds your tongue
and it breaks into thorns
sharp enough to pierce through
penitent flesh, wrapping itself
like a python squeezing the last
out of what’s left of the moon
reflected on the river as the peddlers
calmly row their sampans laden
with tourist trinkets and vegetables
home; I know the temples
of gold and saffron
that burn incense and powders
on the tongue, deviled,
cutting sinners to jewels
washed in front of Buddhas
with smooth nipples and Egyptian eyes
that said stay
and you did.
Lying in the room, cast
a strange orange by the cellophane paper
over the windows, we laid plans,
mapping the fluidity of your life
and mine: I will go south,
to the East Coast to the sea, home
eventually, you will stay and try find
another boy: stranger angels
have beset us, and trains
are stories of sacraments
melting on the tongue, holy,
unspoken, blessed, and thoroughly
immaterial, totally bloodless,
the middleman calls,
there is no hardness
left, your body,
opaque, dense as familiarity,
leaves no stains, no inventions;
the German has found a new boy,
the train is delayed:
an elephant caused a derailment,
the platform is wheels, nothing
can hurt, I float in sea foam,
fine rain and bitter salt,
disenchanted, drawn to decency, shaping
pictures to memory that redefine
visions, transforming virginities,
pure, burning
in the smell of cloves and lines
etched into your palm, kissed
with no exhilarating lips, yes,
it will be a suffering,
this is the tao of the situation, bitterness,
balance achieved by the necessity
of lies, all these lingual guilts,
cruel, bitter, bite hard
this morning, by the window watching
the monsoon splatter itself against the panes,
I watched the neighbor children
splashing in the puddles, holding
plastic bags hoping to catch tadpoles
that will later