A BRIEF CONVERSATION WITH MY HAIR By Russell Bradbury-Carlin Smash !rds Edi"i!n C!

#yri$h" %&&' Russell Bradbury-Carlin

Smash !rds Edi"i!n( )i*ense N!"es Than+ y!u ,!r d! nl!adin$ "his ,ree eb!!+- Y!u are el*!me "! share i" i"h y!ur ,riends- This b!!+ may be re#r!du*ed( *!#ied and dis"ribu"ed ,!r n!n-*!mmer*ial #ur#!ses( #r!.ided "he b!!+ remains in i"s *!m#le"e !ri$inal ,!rm- I, y!u en/!yed "his b!!+( #lease re"urn "! Smash !rds-*!m "! dis*!.er !"her !r+s by "his au"h!r- Than+ y!u ,!r y!ur su##!r"-

In "his b!!+0 H! "! Ma+e Y!ur O n 1r!.erbs A )i,e Re.ie ed0 A C!lle*"i!n !, Blurbs )i.in$ "he Ameri*an 2ream Wal" Whi"man3s 4uide "! C!!+in$ ,!r Ba*hel!rs Summer !, Sam I Am Rand!m 5u!"es ,r!m "he Cereal M!ns"ers H! are Y!u 2!in$6 2iary !, a 4r!*ery Car" The Musi* Mash-u# 1hen!men!n E7#ands Hills )i+e S"u,,ed Ti$ers0 Cal.in 2is*!.ers Hemin$ ay 1aren"s as a Nar*!"i* The Se*re"s !, 1aren"in$ Tha" N! One Will Tell Y!u Fu"ure Br!ad ay Hi"s 8I S!und My Chl!r!#hyll Ya #9 Mas"ers !, My 2!main0 My Vi*es as Chara*"ers ,r!m Sein,eld In"r!du*in$0 Baby Tal+ H! "! Fri$h"en "he 4rim Rea#er 1ay "he Ren"0 A S!l! 1lay E7#l!rin$ 4ender 1!li"i*s

Su$ar and 2em!ns0 A S*ien"is"3s Field N!"es The Absen" Adul"s !, Childh!!d Fa.!ri"es S#ea+ S!me Su$$es"i!ns ,!r "he Ne7" Film in R!mer!3s :!mbie Series An In"er.ie i"h Old Man Ne7" Year The Calls !, C"hulu Hierar*hy !, Needs ,!r 1aren"s A Brie, C!n.ersa"i!n i"h My Hair Cl!uds0 Im#!r"an"; 4il$amesh Res#!nds "! Ad.er"isin$s Bi$$es" 5ues"i!ns Ferris Bueller Fills in ,!r "he NY Times Ma$a<ine3s 8The E"hi*is"9 Mas"er#ie*e Thea"er 1resen"s0Blea+ H!use( S"arrin$ 4remlins )an$ua$e A*=uisi"i!n and 81!!#ie9 Ma$i*ian 2!u$ Hennin$ Has S!me"hin$ !n His Mind T!day3s AA S#ea+er0 Mr- T!m Wai"s All I Really Need "! >n! I )earned ,r!m >inder$ar"en C!# The 4ummy Bear Sur.i.al 4uide I, Allen 4insber$ Had Wri""en 1ay-1er-Cli*+ Ads Ha##y Bir"hday ,r!m "he Fu"ure The C!y!"es S! N! Y!u3re a Thera#is" I Am 4lad My Childh!!d 2reams 2id N!" C!me True 2i!nysus0 1ar"y Cl! n There Mus" Be Fi,"y Ways "! Hea.e Y!ur Br!"her In"er.ie i"h a Bu"ler

How to Make Your Own Proverbs Sure( e.ery!ne l!.es #r!.erbs- I, y!u $! "! any b!!+s"!re y!u *an easily ,ind many b!!+s i"h #r!.erbs "ha" *an hel# y!u learn li,e less!ns and $e" y!u "hr!u$h "!u$h "imes- Wha" is a #r!.erb( y!u as+6 Well( e.en #r!.erb s*h!lars are l!a"hed "! admi" "ha" "here is li""le *!nsensus ab!u" "he de,ini"i!n !, a #r!.erbWhere there is a will, there is a way This is an easily iden"i,iable #r!.erbWheres the beef? This is *learly n!" a #r!.erb- 1r!.erbs are di,,eren" "han *li*h?s( ma7ims and sl!$ans- In "he end( "he de,ini"i!n !, a #r!.erb is

usually summed u# as a sh!r" s"a"emen" "ha" *!n"ains s!me #ie*e !, isd!m( "ru"h !r less!nBu" did y!u +n! y!u *!uld ma+e y!ur ! n #r!.erbs6 A*"ually i"@s =ui"e easy- I@ll sh! y!u h! Firs"( le"@s "ry "! ma+e a #r!.erb !u" !, a #r!blem y!u@.e learned "! !.er*!me- Can y!u "hin+ !, !ne6 N! "a+e ha" y!u@.e learned and s"a"e i" in a *!l!r,ul( illus"ra"i.e ay- Remember n!" "! ma+e i" "!! l!n$- I ha.e a less!n I learned and here is "he #r!.erb I *rea"ed !u" !, i"0 Remember to read the labels on clothing. It is the only voice they have to keep from shrinking or bleeding. H! did y!u d!6 4!!d; Ne7"( le"@s "a+e s!me"hin$ "ha" y!u !rry ab!u" and *rea"e a #r!.erb "ha" ill hel# y!u "! !.er*!me i"- )e" me hel#- I ha.e a !rry "ha" I am sure e.ery!ne has- I $e" embarrassed hen #e!#le !n "he ma$a<ine *!.ers "ha" I +ee# beside my "!ile" are l!!+in$ in my dire*"i!n- S! here is ha" I *ame u# i"h0 eep maga!ines in the bathroom face"down, so the people on the cover dont sneak a peek. See isn@" "his ,un; O, *!urse( I ha.e !"her !rries "ha" I use #r!.erbs "! hel# me !u" i"h- I am n!" shy ab!u" i"- E.ery!ne has !rries- In ,a*"( "he bes" ay "! !.er*!me "hem( I@.e been "!ld "!! many "imes( is "! be ,ran+ and admi" "! "hem- Here is an!"her #r!.erb "ha" has hel#ed me0 #$rn off and $npl$g the coffee maker in case the devil its circ$itry and wants to b$rn down yo$r apartment. lives in

N! ( I d!n@" really belie.e "ha" "he de.il e7is"s( a" leas" n!" in a ,!rm "ha" !uld really li.e in my *!,,ee ma+er- I@m n!" "ha" sillyH! ab!u" "his #r!.erb0

#he clock on the wall does not keep time to yo$r heartbeat. I +n! e.ery!ne *an rela"e "! "ha"; Wha" ab!u"0

%ll door locks sho$ld be checked each night in case their insidio$s la!y ways make them let go and then &$st abo$t anyone can walk in to sit on yo$r comfortable co$ch. See h! #r!.erbs *an be hel#,ul in y!ur li,e- And( i"@s n!" /us" "! hel# y!u i"h y!ur #es+y li""le !rries- N!( y!u *an use #r!.erbs "! "ea*h ,u"ure $enera"i!ns s! "hey *an learn "he "hin$s y!u learned =ui*+er "han i" "!!+ y!u "! learn "hem- Bu"( I m!s"ly use "hem "! +ee# my head !n s"rai$h"0 #he cat is, in fact, a cat. N!" "ha" I $e" "ha" !ne *!n,used "!! !,"en( m!s"ly- Wha" ab!u"0 'ad checks do not ring yo$r doorbell at ( %.). and then hide in the b$shes " they come in nice white envelopes from the friendly bank. And( my *urren" ,a.!ri"e hi*h my ,riend( 2a.e( is ha.in$ #rin"ed u# !n s!me bum#er s"i*+ers s! I *an sell "hem a" "he ba<aar "! hel# #ay my ren"0 #he s*$irrels in the attic are not chewing thro$gh the ceiling and stealing yo$r dirty socks to make warm homes. 4!!d lu*+ and ha.e ,un i"h #r!.erbs; A1ublished !n )c+weeneys ebsi"e B %&&CD

A Life Reviewed: A Collection of Blurbs 8Maybe " ! !r "hree "imes in a $enera"i!n( a #ers!n "rans*ends his !r her humani"y "! be*!me my"h-li+e- Bradbury-Carlin is n!" an e.en" !, "his !rder-9 #ime 8Bradbury-Carlin ,inds #!i$nan*y( "err!r( sa*ri,i*e( As!me bi" !,D isd!m( mys"ery( numerable neur!ses( hear"brea+ and a real em!"i!nal im#a*" "ha" emer$es ,r!m a li,e li.ed /us" under "he s#eed limi"-9 ,ewsweek

8A *r!ss be" een Ameri*a@s Funnies" Vide!s B!b Sa$e" and a sli$h"ly melan*h!li* Friend@s 2a.id S*h immer- This is n! mere hy#erb!le-9 -ntertainment Weekly 8A s"ran$e( #er#le7in$ and( a" "imes( inde*i#herable li,e-9 .lark /erpot, #he .hristian +cience )onitor 8Bradbury-Carlin@s "ra$i*!mi* li,e - a ,an"asia !, bad "ele.isi!n sh! s and bi<arre ri"in$s and an addi*"i!n "! En$lish mu,,ins in.!+es "he $l!ri!us( unreliable #r!mises !, ar"( #!li"i*s and beau"y-@ 0ack r$mb, W#1. Radio 8This man is "ruly medi!*re- Middle-a$ed( hi"e( middle-*lass and male - a heady #as"i*he !, all "ha" is deemed a.era$e-9 #he Washington 2ost 8Ele$an"ly allurin$ - a li,e "ha" !r+s b!"h as a #aean "! l!.e A!, *a,,eineD and a sub"ly sly *!medy !, err!rs-9 .osmopolitan 8Bradbury-Carlin is *er"ainly #leasurable en!u$h( I $uess-9 .ass 3remont, +at$rday Review 8The s*enes !, his eludin$ "he $rade s*h!!l bully ,!r alm!s" a ,ull year i"h his elab!ra"e me"h!di*al es*a#e r!u"es h!me - !r"h "he #ri*e !, admissi!n- The s*enes !, his ,umblin$ "hr!u$h a daisy *hain !, ,irs" da"es and a + ard se7ual en*!un"ers B #ri*eless-9 ,ew 4ork #imes A1ublished !n #he 'ig 0ewel ebsi"e B %&&CD

Living the A erican !rea : "rue #tories of M$ Brushes with %a e 2resident 0immy .arter5 I as .ery y!un$- The 1residen" as "ra.elin$ "! "he air#!r" in a lim!usine usin$ "he hi$h ay near my h!me- My ,amily and I ai"ed by "he side !, "he hi$h ay ,!r "hree h!urs i"h hundreds !, !"her #e!#le- Finally a line !, *ars( many !, "hem bla*+

lim!usines( dr!.e al!n$ "he shu"d! n hi$h ay- I a.ed madly a" e.ery *ar- I "hin+ I sa a bulb!us head-li+e !b/e*" and ei"her a b!bbin$ s"i*+ !r hand a.in$ "hr!u$h !ne *ar@s "in"ed $lass/arth 6ader5 I as " el.e hen S"ar Wars *ame !u"- My m!"her read "ha" 2ar"h Vader as *!min$ "! a nearby T!ys R Es- I had "! mee" "he 2ar+ )!rd !, Si"h- We ere ,!r*ed "! buy a Time7 S"ar Wars a"*h and ai" "hree h!urs "! mee" him- I as( h! e.er( disa##!in"ed hen I reali<ed "ha" "his asn@" "he a*"!r 2a.id 1r! se h! #layed Vader in "he m!.ie( bu" s!me s*hm! #aid "! ear a *!s"ume and sell a"*hes2eter 7abriel5 I sa 1e"er 4abriel a" a small "hea"er in W!r*es"er( Massa*huse""s- A,"er "he sh! ( my ,riend and I ai"ed in "he alley behind "he "hea"er i"h !"her 4enesisF4abriel ,ans( "! mee" "he sin$er- A,"er "hree h!urs( "he numbers !, ,ans d indled "! ,i.e- Finally( he *ame !u" !, "he ba*+ d!!r i"h his i,e- This as "he ,irs" ni$h" !, his "!ur and "hey hu$$ed and +issed ,!r a l!n$ "ime- Then she $!" in"! a lim!usine and as dri.en "! ha" I $uess as "he air#!r" "! re"urn h!me- 1e"er "urned "! his small $a$$le !, ,ans and be$an si$nin$ au"!$ra#hs- I !ndered h! "hrilled *!uld he be( a" "his m!men"( "! si$n au"!$ra#hs hen he as n!" $!in$ "! see his ,amily ,!r m!n"hs- Bu" "hen he "urned "! me - #en a" hand- He s*ribbled !n "he #ie*e !, #a#er I handed him( "urned and s*rambled in"! his lim!usine- His s*ra led si$na"ure read0 1i+e 4ab88#op5 On a s"rin$ !, #!s"-*!n*er" ai"in$ e7#erien*es( I as #r!dded by my ,riends "! see ::T!# !n "heir #!#ular 8Elimina"!r9 "!ur and "ry "! mee" "hem a,"er ard- We ai"ed ,!r alm!s" "hree h!urs behind "he B!s"!n 4arden ,!r "he l!n$ bearded r!*+ s"ars "! si$n !ur "-shir"s- Finally( "hey *ame !u" "he ba*+ d!!r drun+ and barely able "! al+- They a.ed a" a bu7!m bl!nd ai"in$ beside us be,!re s"umblin$ in"! "heir lim!%be 6igoda0 I as ha.in$ brea+,as" by mysel, in a res"auran" durin$ a .isi" "! Ne Y!r+ Ci"y- As I a"e my e$$s-!.er-easy i"h hea" "!as"( I n!"i*ed "he l!n$-,a*ed a*"!r h! #layed 8Fish9 !n Barney MillerI didn@" "al+ "! him- Wha" d! y!u say "! Abe Vi$!da6

$rt 6onneg$t0 >ur" V!nne$u" *han$ed my li,e as ri"er- A,"er *!lle$e( I as s"ru$$lin$ "! ri"e li+e )a ren*e and Hemin$ ay( all "! n! a.ail hile endin$ u# i"h "he !rs" *ase !, ri"er@s bl!*+- Bu" a,"er readin$ e.ery !rd "ha" Mr- V!nne$u" r!"e( I reali<ed "ha" I didn@" need "! "!r"ure mysel, "! ri"e- I *!uld be #lay,ul and 8im#!r"an"9 a" "he same "ime- S! I had "! mee" him hen he read a" "he B!s"!n 1ubli* )ibrary- A,"er his insi$h",ul "al+( I ai"ed "hree h!urs in line "! ha.e him si$n my *!#y !, 8H!*us 1!*us9- As I ai"ed( I de*ided "ha" I needed "! ma+e s!me "y#e !, im#ressi!n bey!nd0 8$ee( I l!.e y!ur b!!+s;9 S!( in my head I r!"e "he be$innin$ !, a m!re subs"an"ial *!n.ersa"i!n- I +ne "ha" his dau$h"er li.ed in "he "! n I li.ed in - "ha" as my h!!+When I ,inally rea*hed "he "able( I handed him "he b!!+ and said( 8I *ame a l!n$ dis"an*e "! see y!u "!day-9 He res#!nded( 8really( ,r!m here69 Gus" as my s*ri#" had been ri""en- 8Oh( I@m ,r!m N!r"ham#"!n-9 >ur" l!!+ed u# a" me( ha.in$ s*ribbled his name in my b!!+- 8Well( my dau$h"er li.es "here-9 He *!n"inued "! l!!+ a" me( ai"in$ ,!r a res#!nse- I said n!"hin$- I as s"ymied - "his as as ,ar as my s*ri#" had $!ne- I "urned red( s"ammered( 8"han+s9( and m!.ed !n- I didn@" ri"e a$ain ,!r " ! yearsA1ublished !n 3acsimilation ebsi"e B %&&CD

&alt &hit an's (uide to Cooking for Bachelors -nglish )$ffins S!,"( ,lu,,y .essels- C!n"ainers ,!r ri*h em#yreal sa.!riesC! @s bu""er; Oran$e marmalade; 2ri<<ly #eanu" bu""er; The eli7irs !, "he *!ns"ella"i!ns; They aren@" /us" ,!r brea+,as"- N! ay; ACu" in hal,- T!as" un"il br! n a" ed$es- C!.er sur,a*e i"h ,a.!ri"e *!ndimen"- H& minu"es-D )acaroni and .heese Oh( !r+h!rse !, sim#le meals; Tas"y ,!r"i"ude ,!und in "he #airin$ !, " ! #lain in$redien"s- Win"er@s armer- The hear"h hea"er "! "h!se lan$uishin$ in "he *!ld brea"h !, s!li"ude-

Creamy and deli*i!us- AB!il #as"a un"il #re,erred *!nsis"en*y2rain- Mi7 in *heesy #a*+e"-H& minu"es-D .hili S"ra##in$ and r!bus"- The y!un$ s ea"y rail !r+er !, mealsS#i*y; Hear"y; C!nsume and ,eel "he s#iri" !, y!ur li,e bl!!d "hrum hea.ily in y!ur *hes"- ASau"e H )B !, hambur$er- Mi7 in drained *an !, +idney beans( s"e ed "!ma"!es- Add I "bl !, *hili #! der- C!!+ a" medium un"il d!ne- I& minu"es-D 9amb$rger Ameri*a; Y!ur sim#le $l!ries hailed in "his #r!,!und "as"yMaidens; 1a"ri!"s; )!s" shi#yard !r+ers; Whea" $a"herers; Th!se h! a,,i7 "h!se #las"i* "hin$s !n "he ends !, sh!ela*es; This is Ameri*a@s ,!!d- As .as" and mi$h"y as "he 4rea" 1lainsHe,"y and ,illin$ li+e "he R!*+ies- AMa+e bur$er in "! #a""ies4rill "! "as"e- 1la*e !n bun- T!# i"h ,a.!ri"e *!ndimen"- HJ minu"es-D 3rench 'read 2i!!a Salu"e "he !rld; Mysel, - Wal" Whi"man - l!.er and embra*erMin$ler i"h #e!#le !, !"her na"i!ns( s!und my barbari* ya # ab!u" "his #leasin$ ,!rei$n dish- O ama<emen" !, mel"y *heese; O ,lu,,iness !, s!," bread; O "an$iness !, "!ma"! sau*e; ATa+e #i<<as !u" !, #las"i* ra#- 1la*e in "!as"er !.en- Ba+e un"il $!lden br! n- H% minu"es-D .orn 3lakes I si" and s"are a" a yell! ish ,la+e- Mar.el a" i"s *!n"!urs and r!u$hened sur,a*e- Ea*h ,la+e - *rea"i!n !, hundreds !, hands0 #l! er( #lan"er( ,armer( #r!du*e-buyer( "ru*+ dri.er( ,a*"!ry !r+er( $r!*ery s"!re *ler+- Small ,la+e be,!re me( en!u$h "! ins#ire $a<illi!ns !, in,idels- Tas"y in mil+( "!!- AFill b! l i"h *!rn ,la+es- Add mil+- H minu"e-D A1ublished !n 1pi$m )aga!ine ebsi"e B %&&CD

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Yes( i" as a l!n$( h!" summer - s"eamy( ,e"id and humid- I" as "he +ind !, hea" I e7#erien*ed !u" in "he s am#land !, Fl!rida as a *hild- Hea" "ha" ri$$les i"s s ea"y ,in$ers in"! y!ur brain and *han$es y!ur #er*e#"i!n( *auses y!u "! see "hin$s "ha" aren@" "here( li+e "ha" shimmerin$ b!dy !, a"er $lis"enin$ s ee"ly !n "he mid-summer h!ri<!n- The !ne y!u al ays a##r!a*h bu" ne.er rea*h- Yes( i" as li+e "h!se summers I sur.i.ed as a y!u"h B !nly I as in "he h!"h!use( as#hal"-ba+in$ *i"y- A #res*ri#"i!n ,!r insani"yI as al ays #!li"e- I !nly as+ed ea*h !, "hem "! "ry a "as"e- A li""le "as"e- Sure( i" did n!" l!!+ as a##e"i<in$ as( say a bu""erdren*hed hea# !, ,resh *ra ,ish( ready ,!r ri##in$ in"!- Bu"( i" as my dish- A *ulinary #ie*e !, ar" "ha" my $randma used "! ma+e ,!r us !n Sunday m!rnin$s- The re*i#e as in my $enesI #er,e*"ed i" B " ea+ed i" un"il i" as a #ure #ie*e !, hea.enS!( hen "h!se ,!l+s re,used "! e.en "as"e i"( "hey( in a sense( re,used me- I didn@" a##re*ia"e "ha" a" all- And( "hey ere s! *allused ab!u" i" B 8n!( I !n@" ea" i" !n a "rain !r i"h a $!a"-9 Well B damn "hem; They deser.ed "he #unishmen" I deal"- I" as all s! sim#le - my ra"h *!uld ha.e been a.!ided- Gus" !ne li""le "as"eThe summer !, insani"y B bl!!dy( " is"ed insani"y B ,inally ended !n "he m!rnin$ a,"er a nine-day hea" a.e br!+e- Fi""in$ly B i" as a Sunday( !, all days- I" had been a l!n$( d!$$ed sear*h( bu" !n "ha" day( I me" "he ri$h" #ers!n- Oh( he as n!" !#enminded a" ,irs"- He =ui*+ly de*ided "ha" he did n!" li+e me- He de*lared( ri$h" "! my ,a*e( 8I d! n!" li+e "ha" Sam I Am-9 I as #ersis"en"( "h!u$h- I !,,ered him all di,,eren" means and manners "! "ry a ,!r+,ul !, my deli*i!us !,,erin$- I su$$es"ed here( "here( in a h!use( e.en i"h a m!use - all !, hi*h he re,used- E.en"ually( h! e.er( his res!l.e br!+e- He "!!+ a "as"e- And( i"h a bri$h" ea$er smile !n his li#s( "ha" summer !, h!rr!r ended- I" ended i"h a de*lara"i!n - s! #r!,!und( s! el!=uen"( s! sim#le B 8I d!( I d! li+e $reen e$$s and ham;9 A1ublished !n :ber.n$ ebsi"e B %&&CD

Rando

*uotes on %a e and +ostalgia fro the Cereal Monsters

3rankenberry5 8We ere #re""y ,!r"una"e- Three ,airly un"alen"ed m!ns"ers $i.en "he $!lden "hr!ne !, *ereal i*!n B and "hen lu*+y en!u$h "! las" as l!n$ as e ha.e-9 .o$nt .hoc$la5 8I@m n!" "ryin$ "! s!und #aran!id( bu" i" as li+e "he !rld as *!m#!sed !, milli!ns !, mirr!rs- E.ery hereK e.ery here y!u@d "urn( "here y!u ere B TV@s( #!s"ers( *ereal aisles- S!me"imes i" ,el" $rea"( bu" "ha" s"u,, *an als! s*re i"h y!ur head-9 'oo"'erry5 8O+ay( Fran+enberryK-Fran+ens"ein- C!un" Ch!*ulaK-C!un" 2ra*ula- B!!-Berry--- ha"6 There are n! ,am!us $h!s"s( e7*e#" maybe Cas#er( and he@s m!re im#y "han s*ary- S! h! am I based !n6 They $a.e me 1e"er )!rre@s .!i*e and "he s"yle !, a drun+en 2ean Mar"in0 a bleary-eyed( laid-ba*+ $h!s"- W!!!; Fri$h"enin$-9 .o$nt .hoc$la5 8I" as li+e bein$ a #ie*e !, ,ilm s"u*+ in a #r!/e*"!r B held in "he *!ns*i!usness !, Ameri*a B s"arin$ un"il i" seared and burned- 1aran!id has $!" n!"hin$ "! d! i"h i"-9 'oo"'erry5 8The *urren" !rld !, *ereal *hara*"ers is buil" !n "he br!+en ba*+s !, "h!se *hara*"ers h! burned !u" !r s!ld-!u"The "hree !, us l!s" Yummy Mummy and Frui" Bru"e B sh!r"-li.ed and ,!r$!""en n! - Wha" e.er ha##ened "! "he Frea+ies( 5uis# !r "he Cali,!rnia Raisins6 And( Ca#@n Crun*h6 He@s "urned his #re.i!usly red Crun*hberries in"! mul"i-*!l!red "rash- Wha"@s u# i"h "ha"6 I"s@ li+e "urnin$ a H'L& *!n.er"ible Mus"an$ in"! an SEV-9 3rankenberry5 8Thin$s are di,,eren" n! - N! m!re s#!"li$h" !r TV *ameras- I d!n@" $e" ,l!!ds !, ,an mail anym!re- I li+e my li,e( "h!u$h- There are a ,e in"erne" ,an-si"es !u" "here- Bu"( !"her ise( "hin$s are =uie"- I *an $! "! "he $ym and ,eel an!nym!us B s!me"hin$ I "reasure "hese days-9 .o$nt .hoc$la5 8N!s"al$ia@s ha"@s +e#" me l!*+ed u# in "his h!use ,!r s! many years- I"s@ all ab!u" a##earan*es- 1e!#le *!me u# "! y!u !n "he s"ree"s ready "! "hr! adula"i!n a" y!uThen "hey see y!ur #!"-belly( rin+lin$ s+inK and "hey ba*+ a ay sl! ly-9

'oo"'erry5 8N!s"al$ia is s!me!ne else@s #!is!n( man- I a.!id i" li+e "he #la$ue-9 3rankenberry5 8N!s"al$ia6 Well( in reali"y( "hin$s *han$e1e!#le *han$e- I"@s li+e "ha" sayin$ 8y!u *an ne.er $! h!me9F!rms !, n!s"al$ia are ,i7ed in "ime- And( li+e *er"ain smells "ha" *!n/ure u# #ar"i*ular mem!ries B #ie*es !, n!s"al$ia brin$ us ba*+ "! idylli* "imes- S!me #e!#le l!!+ a" me and "hey *an $! h!me( ba*+ "! Sa"urday m!rnin$s a"*hin$ *ar"!!ns i"h a b! l !, su$ary *ereal ,l!a"in$ in #in+ mil+ !n "heir la#-9 A1ublished !n 3acsimilation ebsi"e B %&&CD

How Are You !oing, % 'it #oo /irect A ,ul( "! be h!nes"- A*"ually( "! be *!m#le"ely h!nes" e.ery"hin$ #re""y mu*h su*+s "! hell- My i,e@s *hea"in$ !n me( y!u +n! - A" leas" i" seems li+e e.ery!ne +ne e7*e#" ,!r meS! e.ery"hin$ is #u"rid- N!( y!u +n! ha" i"@s li+e( h! I@m really d!in$6 Well( i"@s +ind !, li+e ha.in$ a "iny s#lin"er under y!ur ,in$ernail- The +ind "ha" y!u *an@" di$ !u" i"h!u" dra in$ bl!!d- And( n! ma""er ha" y!u d!( y!u +ee# bum#in$ "ha" ,in$er a$ains" e.ery"hin$- Tha"@s ha" i"s li+e - ell( add ,eelin$ *!ns"an"ly nause!us( yeah - add "ha" and y!u@re #re""y *l!se#hinly 6eiled Oh( $rea"; Fine( ,ine - "h!u$h I l!s" my /!b las" ee+ a,"er my +ey br!+e !,, in "he i$ni"i!n a$ain and I as la"e ,!r !r+ ,!r "he "hird "ime- Ha( ha - y!u +n! - 8!ne "!! many - y!u@re ,ired9- Bu" !"her ise e.ery"hin$ is .ery $!!d- E7*e#" I "hin+ I ha.e "ha" *!ld "ha"@s $!in$ ar!und- Y!u +n! ( "he !ne "ha" s"ar"s !u" as "he sni,,les and "hen +ee#s y!u in bed ,!r a ee+ i"h a ra ( #hle$my( *!u$h- Ahem - bu" "hin$s are $!in$ #re""y ell- And( y!u6 #oo )any +elf"9elp 'ooks

O+ay( le" me see A=uie"ly "! sel,D be dire*"( h!nes" and remember "! n!" ramble- A)!uderD I am d!in$ !+ay- T!day( I am $!in$ "! "he #!s" !,,i*e- T!day( I am $!in$ "! mail a le""er "! my e7-l!.er "! ma+e amends ,!r si""in$ !n her #e" ,erre" ,i.e years a$!A5uie"ly "! sel,D he ( $!!d /!b- Remember y!u are a l!.ely #ers!n- Feel $!!d#oo +trange 2!in$6 2!in$6 Well( I@ll "ell y!u ab!u" d!in$( d!in$ is ha" d!in$ d!es- T!! mu*h !r+ ma+es Fran*is a dull b!y- 2!in$( d!in$( d!in$ - I *an@" al ays be d!in$- Wha" ab!u" d!n@"in$( huh6 2!n@"( d!n@"( d!n@" - "ha"@s m!re li+e i"- Tha"@s ha" "hey say - d!( d!( d! - da( da( da- Hey( here are y!u $!in$6 .lose b$t ,o .igar I@m d!in$ $rea"- S"ar"ed a ne /!b( hi*h is al ays a bi" s"ress,ul- And( I@m in a ne rela"i!nshi#- I li+e her a l!"- H! ab!u" y!u6 Wh!a; Che*+ !u" "he le$s !n "he bl!nde !.er "hereHEY HONEY; YOE@RE >I))IN4 ME WITH THOSE )E4S; 'ack %way +lowly Tha"@s i"; E.ery!ne +ee#s as+in$ h! I@m d!in$- Is "his s!me "y#e !, *!ns#ira*y - 8hey e.ery!ne( be sure "! as+ Al,red h! he@s d!in$ be*ause( y!u +n! ( s!me"hin$@s r!n$96 Wha"@s r!n$ i"h me "ha" I d!n@" +n! 6 Is i" my hair6 The *!l!r !, my ne l!a,ers6 2! y!u +n! s!me"hin$ ab!u" my e7- i,e6 I@m "ellin$ y!u - i"s ,eelin$ a bi" ,rea+y- Ei"her "ell me ha"@s r!n$ n! ( !r lay !,, - and "ell y!ur li""le *abal "! lay !,,( "!!- Why are y!u s"arin$ a" me6 A1ublished !n :ber.n$ ebsi"e B %&&CD

!iar$ of A (rocer$ Cart )ay ;;5 Oh( I am shinin$- I am $lis"enin$ i"h h!#e- Here I am in "he "ra*"!r-"railer i"h all !, my shinin$( $lis"enin$ *!mrades ma+in$ !ur ay "! a 1i$$ly Wi$$ly in 1en!#sha ( Indiana- A,"er all !, my "ime dreamin$ ab!u" "his day( i" has ,inally *!me- I am $!in$ "! be !, ser.i*e "! "he *!mm!n man- I ill heel !.er

as#hal" and "ile "! *arry his !r her burdens( hel# ,amilies #r!.ide sus"enan*e( "! be an in"e$ral #ar" !, "he Ca#i"alis" sys"em - I am "he ,u"ure !, $r!*ery "rans#!r"a"i!n de.i*es- N! hi$her *allin$ *!uld I "hin+ !,)ay ;(0 I "h!u$h" "ha" bein$ a" "he end !, "he "ru*+ mean" I !uld be !ne !, "he ,irs" ,resh *ar"s ,!r *us"!mers "! ma+e use !,- Ins"ead( "hey "!!+ us !,, !ne by !ne( and I as /ammed dee# in"! "he ,ar re*esses !, Ba*+u# Car" S"!ra$e Area M%A in "he #las"i*-*!.ered( dir"-,l!!red side l!" !, "he s"!re- I am n!" dis*!ura$ed( "h!u$h- This is $i.in$ me am#le !##!r"uni"y "! drin+ in all as#e*"s !, my ne li,e- Sure( I share my s#a*e i"h "he !.er-ri#e ,rui" dis#!sal *!n"ainer- Bu"( h! said "he li,e !, a hard- !r+in$ $r!*ery *ar" !uld be all s!," l!a.es !, W!nderbread and bri$h" ba$s !, Chee"!s- I ,eel lu*+y "! ha.e "his "ime "! a"*h "he .eri"able balle" !, ,rui",lies dan*in$ ar!und me- I ill be #a"ien"- My day ill *!me)ay <;5 T!day I as m!.ed "! "he main ba*+u# *ar" s"!ra$e area a" "he ,r!n" !, "he s"!re- Oh( "he bri$h" li$h"s( "he bus"lin$ murmur !, *us"!mers en"erin$ and lea.in$ "he s"!re- I am alm!s" sure I *an hear "he lau$h"er in "heir .!i*es as "hey heel !"her *ar"s ,r!m "he s"!re ladened i"h "heir ,reshly b!u$h" $r!*ery i"ems- Tha" is "he $!!d ne s- The bad ne s is "ha" my ba*+ ri$h" heel is alm!s" *!m#le"ely *!.ered in s!me s!r" !, s"i*+y br! n mu*+ i"h a $um ra##er s"u*+ "! i"- I ,ear "ha" I may be unbalan*ed - "ha" i, s!me!ne "a+es me( "hey may re/e*" me be*ause h! an"s "! #ush a *ar" "ha" !bbles- I ill +ee# my h!#es hi$h as bes" I *an)ay <(5 T!day I as !u",i""ed i"h an ad.er"isemen" *ard !n my *hild sea"- I@m ha##y be*ause i" means I@m bein$ sui"ed u# ,!r my ,irs" ,!ray in"! "he s"!re- I" means I@m ,inally $e""in$ my *han*e- En,!r"una"ely( "he d! nside is "ha" I ,eel as "h!u$h "he messa$e !n "he ad.er"isemen" - 8Wi$$le Y!ur Way T! 4rea" Sa.in$s A" 1i$$ly Wi$$ly;9 - ma+es my mu*+ed u# rear heel m!re a##aren" i"h "he 8 i$$le9 re,eren*e and all- I +n! #aran!ia is a drin+ bes" "a+en in si#s- I mus"n@" le" "his dama$e my e7*i"emen"- I ill h!#e "ha" n! !ne ill ma+e "he *!nne*"i!n)ay <=5 I" as a bi" !, ai"( bu" I@m in; I" as a busy Sa"urday s! "his m!rnin$ I as m!.ed in"! "he main *ar" s"a"i!n- A,"er a number !, #e!#le s"ar"ed "! r!ll me in"! "he s"!re and aband!ned me a,"er n!"i*in$ my !bbly heel - I as $i.en "he !##!r"uni"y

"! assis" a ,amily !, si7- As "hey l!aded me u# i"h Tan$ and bu""ers*!"*h #uddin$( I b!##ed al!n$ i"h "he mu<a+ .ersi!n !, 8)!sin$ My Reli$i!n9- I as !.er,l! in$ i"h abundan*e- I "hin+ I@m $!in$ "! li+e i" here- Wha" am I "al+in$ ab!u"6 I d! li+e i" here0$ne ;=5 Children - 4!d bless "hem - sh!uld n!" be all! ed "! be unsu#er.ised in a *ar"- I" says s! !n "he #la*ard near "he ,r!n" d!!r- This !ne li""le "y+e h! as ,!nd !, a *an !, s"rained #ea*hes( de*ided "! "a+e !u" his la"en" a$$ressi!ns !n me by #!undin$ "he *an !n my ,rame- The dama$e asn3" "!! bad - a ,e den"s and *hi##ed *!a"in$- I h!#e i" d!esn3" rus"- I ill s!ldier !n( "h!u$h- 2es#i"e my shredded ,inish( I ill ,inish my /!b- 2es#i"e my disa##!in"men"( I ill n!" disa##!in"%$g$st <>5 Sha+es#eare !n*e r!"e0 The $!ds are /us"( and !, !ur #leasan" .i*esFma+e ins"rumen"s "! #la$ue us And( I alm!s" "!ld "his ,a" $uy ab!u" his a##aren" .i*e - $lu""!nyNHey( buddy; 2idn3" y!u hear "ha" *!la *an "a+e "he rus" !,, !, me"al6 I" "urns y!ur "ee"h in"! dus"- 2! y!u really "hin+ y!u *an drin+ " en"y *ases !, *!la in a ee+ and n!" ha.e y!ur s"!ma*h diss!l.e6 I" ill diss!l.e !r my name isn@" A 4r!*ery Car"-N %$g$st <?5 I an" "! a#!l!$i<e( 2iary( ,!r my en"ry yes"erday- I" as "he ee+ be,!re )ab!r 2ay and I had been *!ns"an"ly !u" in "he s"!re and in "he l!" ,!r se.en days s"rai$h"- My head3s *learer n! - I am *learer n! - I ill n!" $e" u#se" li+e "ha" a$ainBe*ause my head is *learer n! - I am rela7ed+eptember =5 Th!se s*ummy li""le #un+s; )as" ni$h"( near *l!sin$( a $r!u# !, r!$ue /u.eniles nabbed me as I sa" !u" a" "he side !, "he s"!re- Wh! #aren"s "hese .i!len" and un"amed y!u"hs6 They "!!+ me ,!r a /!y ride - de*idin$ i" !uld be ,un "! slam me in"! "he sides !, buildin$s- I l!s" a heel in "he .es"ibule !, "he #e" ,!!d s"!re- Then( "hese des#era"e y!u"hs dra$$ed me !u" "! "he *!#se !, !!ds behind "he s"!re and sh!.ed me in"! "he s am#- As I ri"e "his n! ( I3m hal,-buried in mud- In "he dim mur+y dis"an*e I *an see "he iner" !u"lines !, !"her *arria$es- I am sure "hey are *!.ered in rus"( I *an smell i" ,r!m here- I3m "ryin$ "! +ee# my h!#es u# - a" leas" m!s=ui"!es d!n3" bi"e me"al-

+eptember @5 I@m s"ill "ra##ed in "his .is*!us s am#- Bu"( I *!n"inue "! #ray ,!r "he bes"- I" is di,,i*ul"- I ,ear I may be "!! ,ar ,r!m "he s"!re "! ,ind my ay ba*+ al!ne- A" ni$h"( I ha.e ,e.erdreams !, ,amilies in "he s"!re /u$$lin$ #r!du*e and mea"s in "heir arms( en"ire r!unds !, *heese( sausa$e lin+s( and *elery s"al+s *rashin$ "! "he ,l!!r in a dir"y and dis"as"e,ul ,l!!r salad- I *!uld be "here ri$h" n! - I *!uld be hel#in$ "hem+eptember >5 I am $uessin$( a" "his #!in"( "ha" "he Car" Or$ani<er( Ben( ill n!" *!me l!!+in$ ,!r "his l!s" member !, his ,l!*+- I remember "hin+in$ him la<y hen I ,irs" laid eyes u#!n him and n! I +n! ,!r sure- I ri"e "his n! +n! in$ I ill ne.er ma+e i" ba*+ h!me- I as s! ready a ,e sh!r" m!n"hs a$! "! ,ill my !#en *arria$e i"h "he b!un"y !, li,e "ha" lines "he ell-s"!*+ed shel.es !, 1i$$ly Wi$$ly- N! ( all I am le," i"h are b!7es !, sha""ered dreams( *ans !, disillusi!nmen"( and ba$s !, l!s" h!#es- S! #lease remember me ,ai"h,ul reader( h!e.er y!u may be- Remember me ,!r my !n*e s"eely !#"imismRemember me ,!r "he *!rners I "urned - des#i"e handi*a#sRemember me( !rld- And sin$ !u" my name- Sin$ !u" A 4r!*ery Car"A1ublished !n #he 'ig 0ewel ebsi"e - %&&CD

"he Music Mash-./ Pheno enon 01/ands: #o e #uggested Movie Mash-./s 4!d,a"her@s !, "he Caribbean A S"ree" Car Named Cu/! Rear Vie "! a >ill A#!*aly#se Same "ime( Ne7" Year The C!!+( "he Thie,( His Wi,e( GF> The 2ay "he Ear"h Sh!" )iber"y Valan*e Wh!@s A,raid !, G!hn Mal+!.i*h6 Wha"@s Ea"in$ 2r- :hi.a$!6 Ci"i<en >ane %0 Ele*"ri* B!!$al!! S!me )i+e i" 1sy*h! Hed i$ and All "he 1residen"@s Men

2an*es i"h 4!!nies My 2inner i"h 4andhi A1ublished !n 1pi$m )aga!ine ebsi"e B %&&CD

Hills Like #tuffed "igers: Calvin !iscovers He ingwa$ I am !n "he hun"- My hands ,eel $ri""y a$ains" "he s"!*+ !, my ri,le- S ea" and dir" ha.e "i$h"ened my $ri#- I "urn "! my ,ai"h,ul ,riend( H!bbes82! y!u ha.e "he s*en" !, "he #rey69 8Wha" #rey69 8An an"el!#e- A bu*+( I@d #re,er- I "hin+ e sh!uld *limb "ha" hillWe *an se""le in a b! er and ai"( /us" as e did "ha" "ime in "he San$re de Cris"! M!un"ains-9 8Sure( ha" e.er y!u an" "! d! Cal.in- Bu" d!n@" y!u "hin+ "ha" y!ur dad ill be u#se" i"h y!ur "a+in$ his $un69 8I "hin+( bein$ a $!!d man( he@d "ell me n!" "! re"urn i"h!u" bl!!d !n my hands-9 8Tha" s!unds +ind !, yu*+y "! me-9 8Y!u !uldn@" unders"and-9 And e ere !,,I "h!u$h" ab!u" Mar$are"( ba*+ a" h!me- Her !nderin$ i, I !uld re"urn- She as al ays "!! *!n*erned- She didn@" unders"and my need "! hun"- She unders"!!d li""le- Ye"( I did ,eel a bi" !, l!.e ,!r her- En!u$h( i" seemed8Wha" d! y!u "hin+ i" means "! be a man( H!bbes69

8I !uldn@" +n! ( I@m a "i$er9 8I" is m!men"s li+e "his( "ha" I +n! I *an "es" mysel, - see ha" se#ara"es "he b!y ,r!m "he man-9 8Y!u eren@" mu*h !, man las" ni$h" hen y!u e" "he bed-9 8Is i" "he li$h" brea+in$ "hr!u$h "he "rees hile I #er*h behind a r!*+( ready "! sh!!"6 Or is i" "he s!und !, s+innin$ y!ur dinner ,reshly +illed6 8Or is i" "he s!und !, y!ur dad *he in$ y!u !u"69 8When e $e" h!me( H!bbes( I ! e y!u a drin+ - maybe m!re-9 We se""led in behind a lar$e !a+ "ree- We !uld ha.e "! ai" un"il dus+ ,!r "he h!" ,e"id sun "! se"- Then( "he animals !uld a##ear l!!+in$ ,!r ,!!d and a"erI *!nsidered my ,riendshi# i"h H!bbes- An !dd "hin$( ha.in$ *!n.ersa"i!ns i"h a s"u,,ed "i$er- 1erha#s "his is n!" ha" a man d!es- I" is ha" a b!y d!es- I eyed "he "al+in$ "i$er sus#i*i!usly- 1ers#ira"i!n ran d! n "he ba*+ !, my ne*+8H! l!n$ are e $!in$ "! si" here( Cal.in69 "he "i$er as+ed-

8As l!n$ as needed-9 8I "h!u$h" e h!me-9 ere $!in$ "! "a#e d! n all !, "he "!ile" sea"s a"

8Th!se are *hildren@s $ames( H!bbes- I am !n "he .er$e !, n! l!n$er bein$ a *hild-9 8T!! bad( s!unds li+e ,un-9 A $r!u# !, y!un$ b!ys #layed ,!!"ball in a dis"an" yard4run"in$( r!llin$ ar!und in "he dir"- I ,el" a dryness in my "hr!a" "ha" *!uld !nly be =uen*hed by a s"i,, drin+- S!me"hin$ hard)i+e $ra#e >!!l-Aid8Hey Cal.in( I +n! - Why d!n@" e $rab "ha" ba$ !, ball!!ns y!u b!rr! ed ,r!m Mar$are"@s #ar"y( ,ill "hem i"h a"er and "hr! "hem a" her69

2!esn@" "his "i$er e.er s"!# his "al+in$6 H! *an I +ee# my head *lear i"h his in*essan" n!ise6 1erha#s( "his 8H!bbes9 as m!re !, a liabili"y "han I had #re.i!usly *!nsidered1erha#s "his as "ha" m!men" hen I !uld "ruly be*!me a manI $ri##ed "he s"!*+ !, my ri,le harder- A h!" bree<e ble !.er "he hill8H!bbes( is "ha" an an"el!#e !.er in Mrs- Wils!n@s yard69 8An an"el!#e6 Here in "he nei$hb!rh!!d6 I *an@" see i"9 The s"u,,ed "i$er as "urned a ay- I br!u$h" u# "he barrel !, "he ri,le- The harsh *a !, a *r! e*h!ed in "he "ree ab!.e usBu"( "he barrel as *au$h" !n my #an"@s le$- I ,ell ,!r ard- My ,a*e landed in "he dir"- My ,in$er #ulled !n "he "ri$$er !, "he ri,le a**iden"ally as I hi" "he $r!und- A me"alli* *li*+ "!ld me "ha" "he ri,le as em#"y- S!me"hin$ I had n!" *!nsideredI lay in "he dir" ,!r a m!men"- Humilia"i!n s"ru*+ a ma"*h and be$an "! li$h" u#( li+e "he !ld 4ua/ir!s I had en*!un"ered in "ha" dus"y Cuban "! n8Cal.in( "ha" asn@" an an"el!#e( "ha" as Mar$are"- And( l!!+ she@s all dressed u# "! $! "! a #ar"y !r s!me"hin$-9 I /um#ed u#( ready i"h a ne #lan-

8H!bbes( le"@s $! $e" "h!se ball!!ns;9 84rea";9 I as already hal,- ay d! n "he hillA1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&JD

Parents as a +arcotic )as" ee+end( Canda*e( Will and I .isi"ed my m!"her- And( hile I as "here( I reali<ed I as .ery "ired- 4ran"ed( I had n!" sle#" ell "he ni$h" be,!re( bu" i" suddenly !**urred "! me "ha" I am !,"en "ired hen I .isi" my m!"her- Then( !n "he ay h!me( i" als! !**urred "! me "ha" I !,"en ,eel "ired hen Canda*e and I .isi" her ,a"her !r m!"her- I br!u$h" "his u# "! Canda*e- I as+ed her i, she "h!u$h" I had s!me +ind !, #r!blem- 8Ha.e I de.el!#ed a men"al ass!*ia"i!n i"h !ur #aren"sKs!me sel,-im#!sed 1a.l!.ian *!ndi"i!nKis i" my ay !, *he*+in$ !u" ar!und "hem69 Canda*e( de,endin$ me ,r!m mysel,( !,,ered an!"her #ers#e*"i.e - 8maybe y!u /us" rela7 hen y!u .isi" !ur #aren"s- Y!u +n! ( +ind !, li+e $!in$ ba*+ "! y!ur *hildh!!d h!me- Y!u d!n@" ha.e any !bli$a"i!ns !r *h!res li+e a" h!me- Y!u *hill-9 4!!d( I "h!u$h"- Then I reali<ed "ha" !ur ei$h" m!n"h !ld s!n !,"en seems "ired- He *er"ainly slee#s a l!" - "hree s!lid na#s a day and he sn!!<es "hr!u$h m!s" !, "he ni$h"- He *an barely +ee# his eyes !#en a,"er " ! h!urs ar!und us- Then I "h!u$h" ab!u" all !, "he !"her #aren"s "ha" I +n! - And( y!u +n! ha"6 Their babies slee# a l!"( "!!- And hen e $e" "!$e"her i"h "hese #aren"s all e "al+ ab!u" is h! "ired e are- I am be$innin$ "! sus#e*" "ha" i"s n!" babies "ha" ma+e #aren"s e7haus"edKi"s "hemsel.es- I" is usI, my su##!si"i!n is "rue( #aren"s are a seda"i.e( e.en "! "hemsel.es- We A!r a" leas" ID $e" slee#y ar!und !ur #aren"s( !ur *hildren $e" slee#y ar!und us( and e $e" slee#y ar!und !"her #aren"s- In ,a*"( ,!r "he las" ei$h" m!n"hs all I@.e "al+ed ab!u" is h! "ired !r n!" "ired I am Ausually "he ,!rmerD- My daily *!ndi"i!n is based !n "his- Bu"( I@.e been eyeballin$ "he r!n$ *ul#ri"- I" is n!" Will- I" is mysel,I !nder i, babies ere le," "! "heir ! n de.i*es i, "hey !uld s"ay u# all day li+e a 8n!rmal9 human bein$- Maybe "ha"@s "he ay i" sh!uld be- We le" "he babies han$-!u" and #lay i"h ea*h !"her all day( hile e #aren"s han$-!u" i"h !ursel.es and brea"h in "he s ee" seda"i.e "ha" is us- Then e *!uld all *url u# !n "he ,l!!r( li+e in +inder$ar"en Amaybe "hey used "! +ee# a s"ash !, #aren"s in "he *l!se" s! e@d $e" "ired a" 8na#-"ime9D- I" *er"ainly !uld be ni*e "! $i.e in"! "he red-eyed /un+y-dem!n "ha" is e7haus"i!n s!me"imes-

The m!re I "hin+ ab!u" i"( "he m!re "his ma+es s!me +ind !, i*+ed sense- All !, my !lder ,riends h! su,,er ,r!m ins!mnia ei"her d!n@" ha.e *hildren !r "heir *hildren ha.e $r! n u# and m!.ed !n- 1erha#s "he seda"i.e-e,,e*" !nly !**urs hile y!u are a*"ually #aren"in$Y!u +n! ( I *!uld ren" !u" #aren"s "! ins!mnia*s- I *!uld se" u# slee# *lini*s here "h!se h! su,,er ,r!m slee# dis!rders are adminis"ered "hree !r ,!ur #aren"s a ni$h" un"il "hey *an re"urn "! res",ul ni$h"s !, slee#- Or I *!uld e.en *rea"e a 1aren" Channel "ha" ,ea"ures a line !, #aren"s /um#in$ !.er a ,en*e li+e shee# "! hel# "h!se h! need a li""le assis"an*e "! dri," !,,- Yeah( "ha"@s i"Besides( h! li+es arm mil+ any ayA1ublished !n #he +cience .reative A$arterly ebsi"e B %&&JD

"he #ecrets of Parenting "hat +o One &ill "ell You 1aren"in$ *an be .ery di,,i*ul"- And hen y!u be*!me a ne #aren"( #e!#le ill $i.e y!u hundreds and hundreds !, b!!+s ab!u" h! "! be a $!!d #aren"- Bu" ha" "hey d!n@" "ell y!u is "ha" "here are se*re"s "! #aren"in$ "ha" y!u ill n!" ,ind in any b!!+( e.en !ne ,r!m a b!!+s"!re- These se*re"s ha.e been handed d! n $enera"i!n "! $enera"i!n( #aren" "! #aren" ,!r e!ns- I learned "hem ,r!m my m!"her and she learned "hem ,r!m her ,a"her( h! learned "hem ,r!m his 4rea" Aun" )arryAnd s! !n and s! !n- Well( "!day( I !uld li+e "! re.eal /us" s!me !, "hese se*re"s ab!u" #aren"in$The ,irs" se*re" "ha" n! !ne "al+s ab!u" is =ui"e sim#le0 babies are ama<in$ *rea"ures "ha" l!!+ a l!" y!u !nly "hey are mu*h( mu*h smaller- N! h! e.er "!ld y!u "ha"6 N! !ne( ri$h"6 Als!( y!u may +n! "ha" *hildren !, all a$es are li""le balls !, ener$y- Bu" did y!u +n! "ha" i, !ne is n!" *are,ul( "hey may s#!n"ane!usly *!mbus"- Ye#( ha##ens hundreds !, "imes ea*h year- Similarly( i, y!ur *hild s*reams li+e he !r she is #!ssessed( "hey #r!bably are-

N! ( a *!mm!n e7#erien*e "ha" many #aren"s !,"en ha.e is "heir babies and *hildren in"erru#"in$ "heir se7-li,e- In ,a*"( y!ur baby *an be s!und aslee# and i, y!u and y!ur s#!use ma+e any +ind !, #hysi*al *!n"a*" "hey ill a+e u# *ryin$- This is be*ause !, a small #her!m!ne-sensin$ !r$an buried dee# in "heir n!s"rilsBu" d!n@" $! l!!+in$ ,!r i"- Babies d!n@" li+e y!u "!u*hin$ "heir n!ses( and besides "he !r$an disa##ears hen y!u l!!+ a" i"4rea"- Are y!u s"ill i"h me6 One "hin$ "ha" many #e!#le d!n@" +n! is *hildren are =ui"e "hri,"y- Gus" #u" d! n an !ld ba""ered b!7 and a mul"i-*!l!red all-"he-bells-and- his"les Fisher 1ri*e "!y and see ha" he !r she $!es ,!r- They +n! h! y!u s#end y!ur hard-earned m!ney and are "ryin$ "! "ea*h y!u "ha" i" is be""er "! sa.e - es#e*ially ,!r "heir edu*a"i!n( !r ,!r "he hu$e *redi" *ard bill "ha" "hey are ra*+in$ u# by !rderin$ all !, "h!se #airs !, lime-$reen ,lee*e #an"s "ha" y!u are #re""y sure y!u y!ursel, didn@" !rder( "h!u$h "hin$s ere a li""le ,u<<y a$ain las" m!n"hChildren are mys"eri!us- N!( "his isn@" a se*re"( bu" i"s "rue- Y!u ne.er =ui"e +n! ha" is $!in$ "hr!u$h "heir "iny( "eeny( li""le minds- S!( i, y!ur baby "hr! s "hin$s and a"*hes "hem r!ll ar!und "he +i"*hen ,l!!r( he is really "ryin$ "! "ell y!u "ha" he an"s "! be a ma/!r lea$ue baseball #layer( n! ma""er h! mu*h y!u "ell him he *an ha.e a be""er *areer in s+ee"-sh!!"in$ !r s#elun+in$- A l!" !, #e!#le d!n@" +n! "his( bu" i" is a ,a*"- Y!u sh!uld als! e7#e*" "ha" he !n@" a##re*ia"e "he li""le miner@s helme" y!u $a.e him ei"her( !r "he *!!l *a.e y!u made !u" !, "he all "he #ill! s in "he h!use and ,r!m y!ur nei$hb!r@s h!uses and ,r!m "he s"!resAn!"her se*re" is - hen y!ur *hild leans ,!r ard as i, he !r she is #re#arin$ "! *ra l( "hey are /us" #layin$ i"h y!ur headChildren already +n! h! "! *ra l ,r!m bir"h and ill d! s! hen "hey are damn ready "! - n! s!!ner- Similarly( hen y!ur *hild is babblin$ and seems "! say 8da-da9 !r 8ma-ma9( he !r she is really( "ruly *allin$ y!u by "his "erm !, endearmen"- They +n! i" ill $e" y!u e7*i"ed and ma+e y!u *la# l!udly- Children li+e "! "ease "heir #aren"s and ma+e y!u d! "ri*+s( li+e sla##in$ y!ursel, in "he n!se re#ea"edly ,!r an h!ur !r " ! !r *allin$ y!ur e7-$irl,riend and as+in$ her i, she@s been !rderin$ lime-$reen #an"s !n y!ur *redi" *ard- I"@s inna"e-

Finally( i" is im#!r"an" "! +n! "ha" Children *!mmuni*a"e "ele#a"hi*ally- I, y!u e.er n!"i*e "hem s"arin$ !,, in"! "he dis"an*e( i" is be*ause a ne si$nal is *!min$ in- I "hin+ "his is be*ause "hey are se*re"ly #lannin$ "he d!mina"i!n !, mu*h !, "he Ear"h@s res!ur*es( es#e*ially ,!r s!me !dd reas!n( *!alEi"her "ha" !r "hey are sendin$ u#da"es ab!u" baseball s*!res4!!d lu*+( ne #aren"s;

A1ublished !n #he +cience .reative A$arterly ebsi"e B %&&JD

%uture Broadwa$ Hits 2now that #/a alot is /o/ular with straight ales age 34-567 2ial B F!r Beer A F!rd F-HJ& Named 2esire Ramb! Fr!m O< 1un+@d B A Musi*al Re.ue 2amn Yan+eesKAnd The >ni*+s Su*+( T!!4uys And 2!lls And T!m Clan*y@s S#lin"er Cell F!r Ob!7 CSI0 The 4rea" Whi"e Way )ysis"ra"a B S"arrin$ The W!men O, H!!"ers H! T! Su**eed In Business Wi"h!u" A*"ually 4!in$ T! W!r+ Nyu*+( Nyu*+( Nyu*+ B The Three S"!!$es Musi*al A1ublished !n :ber.n$ ebsi"e B %&&JD

8) #ound M$ Chloro/h$ll Yaw/9: One of &hit an's Leaves of (rass Res/onds I" s"ar"ed i"h a *!r#ulen" $uy h! l!a,ed and l!!+ed ,!r my s!ul( *ra lin$ !n s!," +nees sear*hin$ ,!r s"em and s"!ne(

bearded head li,"ed "! ard lea.es and bran*hes( l!!+in$ ,!r s!me"hin$ bey!nd #ulse in ,in$ers !r bey!nd *lu"*h !, "h!u$h"Mysel, B a s#ear !, $rass B e7is"en*e *!m#rised !, a "iny !rld i"hin rea*h !, a small se*"i!n !, s!il( su##!sedly i"h all "he ans ers "! bir"h( dea"h( reas!ns hy( *!nne*"i!ns "! nei$hb!rs( ali$nmen"s "! "he sun all a" "he "i# !, my r!!"sK and #len"y !, "ime "! *!n"em#la"eN! ( dru$-"ri##ers and as+ers *!me "! me see+in$ +n! led$e and res#!nses !n hea.en and hell( re*i#es !, heal"h and si*+ness( !n be$innin$s and endin$s B I d! n!" "al+ !, "he be$innin$ !r "he end2!n@" y!u $e" i"6 I@m a blade !, $rass- I d!n@" "al+ A"h!u$h( !b.i!usly and s"ran$ely( I *an ri"eDI"@s hard en!u$h see+in$ li$h"( a"er and !7y$enBu"( !, *!urse( y!u l!!+ "! meMen B n!madi* by .ir"ue !, m!bili"y B d!n@" #lan" r!!"sTh!se ,eelin$ u#-r!!"ed( r!!"less( n!" +n! in$ "heir h!me-s!il B l!!+ "! "h!se h! ha.eA ed by "he bread"h !, "he !rld B i"s m!un"ains and ,!res"s( i"s !*eans and #lains( and "he uni.erse B bey!nd "he $ras# !, y!ur small minds( al ays l!!+in$ bey!nd( ,ur"her a ay( see+in$ and see+in$ and see+in$( ne.er s"!##in$ and s"ayin$( ai"in$ ,!r $rand *!lle*"i!ns !, n!"hin$ "! a**umula"e in"! s!me"hin$I@ll "ell y!u all "ha" I d! +n! s"and s"ill l!n$ en!u$h( rea*h !u" "! "he !rld i"hin y!ur $ras#0 "he ,irm $ri# !, "he dir" surr!undin$ y!ur r!!"s( "he s*en" !, "he #un$en" !7y$en-,illed air y!u brea"h( "he sensa"i!n !, "he $l!ri!us sun !n y!ur br!ad blade e.ery"hin$ e.en"ually *!mes "! y!u-

S!( i, y!u an" "! see+ me a$ain B l!!+ in y!ur ! n b!!" s!lesFailin$ "! ,ind me a" ,irs" B l!!+ ,!r a ,riendMissin$ me !ne #la*e B *all a "hera#is"( maybe y!u@ll ,ind y!ursel, s!me here ai"in$ ,!r y!uA1ublished in 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&JD

Masters of M$ !o ain: M$ :ices as Characters fro #einfeld Chara*"ers0 2ride " Gerry -nvy " Elaine +loth " 4e!r$e 7l$ttony " >ramer S*ene0 1ride@s a#ar"men"- 1ride( En.y( and Sl!"h are s"andin$ ar!und "he +i"*hen- We *!me in "he middle !, a *!n.ersa"i!n2ride5 I *!uld $! i"h!u" i" ,!r a *!u#le !, ee+sKeasy-

-nvy5 N! ay- Y!u !uldn@" las" ,!ur h!urs+loth5 I "hin+ I *!uld $! a l!n$ "ime i"h!u" i"Kusually I d!The d!!r burs"s !#en and 4lu""!ny en"ers and "a+es a dee# b! Aa##lauseD 7l$ttony5 Wha" are e "al+in$ ab!u"6 -nvy5 1ride and Sl!"h here "hin+ "hey *an $! ,!r ee+s "em#"in$ Russelli"h!u"

7l$ttony5 Tha"@s easy- I *!uld $! a m!n"h- In ,a*"( he@s been s#endin$ a l!" !, "ime i"h me and *!uld use a brea+- All "ha" in"er-,a" is bul$in$ !.er his sh!r"s-

-nvy5 4e" real; Y!u( es#e*ially y!u( *!uldn@" $! ,i.e minu"es7l$ttony5 )e"@s #u" m!ney !n i"+loth5 I@m in2ride5 I@ll $! a$ains" my be""er /ud$men"( bu" !nly i, En.y d!ubles "he bes" "ime- I"@s "!! easy "! $! i"h !u" ishin$ y!u ere Brad 1i"" !r T!m Han+s ,!r a ,e ee+s-nvy5 Y!u $!" i"+loth5 I"@s se" "hen7l$ttony5 Oh yeah;; A)au$h Tra*+D -nvyASmilesD0 I *an hi""le us d! n by !ne ri$h" n! 2ride5 H! 6 -nvy A)!udlyD0 Sara )ee;; M!is" *a+e;; Ri*h ,r!s"in$;; 7l$ttony5 Hey( =ui" i"; -nvy5 H!s"ess Cu# Ca+es;; Ch!*!la"e *hi#s;; 7l$ttony5 I@ll be ri$h" ba*+4lu""!ny lea.es "he a#ar"men" slammin$ "he d!!r- We hear "he d!!r a*r!ss "he hall slam- The !"hers e7*han$e $lan*esSuddenly e hear "he d!!r a*r!ss "he hall slam a$ain- And( 4lu""!ny re-en"ers- He a##r!a*hes "he +i"*hen "able i"h *h!*!la"e ar!und his m!u"h and slams a P%& d! n7l$ttony5 Well( I@m !u"2ride5 Tha" as easyEn.y suddenly s"ares u#-nvy5 4rea"( n! "ha" Russell@s s"!ma*h is ,ull( he $!in$ "! si" and a"*h a m!.ie- There@s a Tr!y and Fi$h" Club d!uble ,ea"ure !n- AShe "!sses a P%& !n "he "ableD- I@m $!in$ "! $! h!me and ,le7 in "he mirr!r( I $uess-

+loth5 Well( i" l!!+s li+e i"@s d! n "! "he " !---h!ld !n( "he #h!ne@s rin$in$- I"@s Tuesday( i"@s #r!bably his m!"her- He@s su##!sed "! $! hel# his m!"her ,i7 her *!m#u"er "!ni$h"2ride5 This *!uld be "r!ubleK +loth5 Hey( $e" u# and ans er "he #h!ne( y!u bum; 4rea"( he@s "urned u# "he .!lume !n "he TV "! dr! n !u" "he #h!ne2ride5 Isn@" "ha" a ya n6 +loth5 2!n@" d! i"( d!n@" d! i"K-!h( !uldn@" y!u +n! i"( he@s ,allen aslee#- YOE SHOE)2N9T HAVE STAYE2 E1 SO )ATE )AST NI4HT WATCHIN4 THAT BESOM BE22IES MARATHON( YOE I2IOT;; C!n$ra"ula"i!ns- AHe "!sses a P%& a" 1ride@s ,ee" and al+s !u" !, "he a#ar"men"D2ride5 E7*ellen"; I !n- I am Numer! En!; The d!!r burs"s !#en- Sl!"h( 4lu""!ny( and En.y s"e# ba*+ in and $rab ea*h !, "heir P%& !u" !, 1ride@s hand( "hen lea.eAs he is *l!sin$ "he d!!r behind him 4lu""!ny l!!+s a" 1ride7l$ttony5 Y!u le" i" $! "! y!ur head2!!r shu"s2ride A"hr!u$h $ri""ed "ee"hD0 Russell;; A##lause and *redi"sA1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&JD

)ntroducing: Bab$ "alk M!s" #aren"s are an7i!us "! +n! "he meanin$ !, "he .ari!us *ries( $r!ans( and s!unds "heir *hild ma+es- Re*en"ly a S#anish

ele*"r!ni* en$ineer named 1edr! M!na$as *rea"ed a ba""ery#! ered de.i*e *alled 8Why Cry9- This ins"rumen" ab!u" "he si<e !, a *al*ula"!r is re#!r"edly able "! "ell a #aren" he"her "heir baby@s *ry is indi*a"in$ hun$er( slee#iness !r "iredness- MrM!na$as s"a"es "ha" his 8Why Cry9 is 'QR a**ura"eWell I( mysel,( am *!nsidered a +ind !, 8"in+erer9- And( as a ne #aren" I !,"en !nder ha" all "he s!unds "ha" my baby ma+es mi$h" mean( n!" /us" his *ryin$- S!( I $a"hered "!$e"her s!me rand!m "hin$s lyin$ ar!und my basemen"0 a bi+e ,rame( a "ube !, *aul+in$( s!me bi"s !, s"rin$ "ha" I +ee# in a me"al "ub( "he me"al heads ,r!m $!l, *lubs I ,!und( am!n$s" !"her "hin$s and s"ar"ed "! #u" "!$e"her my ! n de.i*e8Baby Tal+9 is a small ins"rumen" ab!u" "he si<e !, a L&@s V!l+s a$en- I" ill lis"en "! any s!und "ha" a baby ma+es and "ransla"e i" in"! i"s "rue meanin$- On a $!!d day( i" b!as"s SH-IR a**ura*y- I in"end "! #la*e i" !n "he mar+e" in "he ne7" year- I in"end "! sell i" ,!r a reas!nable #ri*e- I in"end "! ma+e a l!" !, m!neyBu" d!es i" !r+( y!u as+- Well( I *an "ell y!u "ha" "he *!mmuni*a"i!n be" een my HH m!n"h !ld s!n and I has $rea"ly im#r!.ed sin*e I@.e been s"ra##in$ "his de.i*e "! him- )e" me $i.e y!u a sam#le !, "ransla"i!ns)mma"maaa5 Why d!n@" y!u $i.e me s!me Cheeri!sKin ,a*" $i.e me "he h!le b!7'laa"'laa"'laa5 2ad( y!u@.e #u" "he dia#er !n ba*+ ards a$ain#thhhpttt5 I@.e re*en"ly *!me "! reali<e "ha" my "!n$ue is *a#able !, s#rayin$ s!me +ind !, li=uid ,r!m my m!u"h all !.er e.ery"hin$( ma+in$ a ni*e $lis"enin$ sheen7aa"gaa"grrmm5 I =ui"e li+e "! l!!+ in "he mirr!r as i" seems "! *!n"ain "he " ins !, my #aren"s and an ama<in$ly hands!me y!un$ *hild'bb"bb"bbb5 E7*use me( bu" y!u are in.adin$ my #ers!nal s#a*e9$hhhhB5 A*"ually( "hese Cheeri!s are =ui"e bland( I@d mu*h #re,er a *ase !, C!*!a-1u,,s-

#weeemm5 I, y!u as+ me "! $i.e 8+isses9 a$ain( I@ll $i.e y!u a bi$ +iss( all ri$h"( bus"erRrrrrrrrrr5 I" !uld be a es!me i, y!u !uld le" me si" in "he *ar al!ne( s"ar" i" u#( and le" i" r!ll d! n "he hill/dd"ddd"ddd5 Where is "ha" really *u"e $irl-baby "ha" *ame by yes"erday6 I@d really li+e "! see her a$ain( le" her yan+ "!ys !u" !, my hand( and ma+e me *ry- R! r; Whaaap5 The 8Baby Tal+9 ma*hine is ama<in$- I" has *han$ed my li,e; By "he ay( here are "h!se C!*!a-1u,,s I as+ed ,!r6 My 8Baby-Tal+9 ma*hine has been a bi" !, a mira*le in !ur h!use-h!ld- N! ( ins"ead !, ai"in$ ,!r !ur s!n "! *!mmuni*a"e *learly "! us( !r ha.in$ "! $! "hr!u$h "he l!n$ an$uishin$ !r+ !, "ea*hin$ sim#le si$n lan$ua$e( I /us" #lu$ "he 8Baby-Tal+9 ma*hine in"! i"s $as!line-#! ered $enera"!r( a""a*h i" "! my s!n and e@re 8"al+in$9I am als! *urren"ly !r+in$ !n an!"her de.i*e- Bu" "his !ne !r+s "he !"her ay - "ransla"in$ #aren"@s !rds in"! babys!unds s! "he *hild *an unders"and us- 2!es any!ne ha.e a bu*+e" ,ull !, used s"a#les !r "he ,rame "! @SQ Cadilla*6 A1ublished !n #he +cience .reative A$arterly ebsi"e B %&&JD

How to %righten the (ri

Rea/er

Tell him he3s l!!+in$ a bi" #aun*hy and as+ i, he has #u" !n s!me ei$h"Hire a *l! n as a b!dy$uard- The 4rim Rea#er is "erri,ied !, *l! nsAs+ him ha" i" as li+e "! "a+e "he imm!r"al s!ul !, MrFrederi*+ H!!#er !, Au$us"a( Maine !n A#ril HH"h( H'IC- F!r s!me reas!n "hese " ! $uys did n!" $e" al!n$ a" all-

O,,er him a ,rui" sm!!"hie i"h hea" $erm- The 4rim Rea#er is dea"hly aller$i* "! hea" $ermMen"i!n Blue Oys"er Cul"Ta+e !u" y!ur !ld #las"i* "!y li$h"-saber ,r!m "heH'L&3s and hen "he Rea#er en"ers "he r!!m re*rea"e "he Obi-WanF2ar"h Vader ,i$h" s*ene ,r!m S"ar Wars- This !n3" ne*essarily ,ri$h"en him( bu" hen y!u ma+e "he ,a+e-ele*"ri*-s#ar+s-n!ise i"h y!ur m!u"h as y!ur saber "!u*hes his s*y"he( i" ill "!"ally ,rea+ him !u"O,,er him an an"i-de#ressan"A1ublished !n :ber.n$ ebsi"e B %&&JD

Pa$ "he Rent: A #olo Pla$ 01/loring (ender Politics Chara*"ers0 E.il )andl!rd Female Tenan" Male Her! S!*i!l!$y 1r!,ess!r i"h a *!n*en"ra"i!n in 4ender S"udies S*ene0 n!ne( e7*e#" ,!r !ne #r!# - a sin$le #ie*e !, #a#er ,!lded in"! an a**!rdi!nEn"er A*"!r- 1i*+s u# #ie*e !, #a#er( h!lds i" in "he middle( and #la*es i" under his n!se - a mus"a*he- He is n! "he e.il landl!rd -vil Candlord5 Y!u mus" #ay "he ren"; A*"!r n! #la*es "he #ie*e !, #a#er( s"ill h!ldin$ in middle( !n "!# !, his head - a b! - He is n! "he ,emale "enan"3emale #enant5 I *an@" #ay "he ren";

-vil Candlord5 Y!u mus" #ay "he ren"; 3emale #enant5 I *an@" #ay "he ren"; A*"!r n! #la*e #ie*e !, #a#er in ,r!n" !, his *!llar - a b! -"ieHe is n! "he Male Her!)ale 9ero5 I@ll #ay "he ren"; 3emale #enant5 MyK A*"!r n! #la*es "he #ie*e !, #a#er dia$!nally ,r!m his *hin - a $!a"ee- He is n! "he S!*i!l!$y 1r!,ess!r i"h a *!n*en"ra"i!n in 4ender S"udies+ociology 2rofessor5 E7*use me( bu" aren@" y!u dra$$in$ !u" "he same !ld mis!$ynis" a*" !, sa.in$ "he 8hel#less9 ,emale)ale 9ero5 Well( IKI@m n!"K +ociology 2rofessor5 Why n!" "ry an!"her a##r!a*h6 )ale 9ero5 O+ayKahemKI@ll #un*h "he E.il )andl!rd in "he ,a*e; +ociology 2rofessor5 N!( n!( n!- N! y!ur relyin$ !n "he !ld male #aradi$m !, *!n,li*" res!lu"i!n - d!n@" ,all-ba*+ !n "he ays y!u ere s!*iali<ed "! re#ress any ,eelin$s !, .ulnerabili"y !r sadness by a*"in$ !u" a$$ressi.ely- Y!u *an *er"ainly "hin+ bey!nd "ha")ale 9ero5 Y!u "hin+ s!6 O+ay( ha" ab!u" "his0 I@ll #ay "he ren" and y!u *an #ay me ba*+; +ociology 2rofessor5 N!; N! y!u@re sa.in$ her a$ain-

3emale #enant5 )is"en( I need "! $e" $!in$+ociology 2rofessor5 1lease d! n!" in"erru#" me- I am "al+in$Male Her!( $! ahead)ale 9ero5 I@ll share "he burden !, #ayin$ "he ren";

+ociology 2rofessor5 Cl!ser- Bu" ha" ab!u" *!un"erin$ "he ays in hi*h she as s!*iali<ed "! l!!+ "! ard !"hers "! hel# her6 -vil Candlord5 This is 4ay- I@m !u" !, here+ociology 2rofessor5 4ay6 4rea" n! le"@s "hr! h!m!#h!bia in"! "he mi7K s!me

)ale 9ero5 H! ab!u" "his S!*i!l!$y 1r!,ess!r - I@ll d! ha" y!u need me "! d! "! ,eel m!re em#! ered; 3emale #enant5 I@m lea.in$( "!!- I ha.e a da"e any ayi"h a bi+er(

+ociology 2rofessor5 Oh( "ha"@s ni*e - $i.e males "he messa$e "ha" !men really an" "he 8"!u$h-$uy9- Why n!" da"e a #!e"6 Or a *!lle$e #r!,ess!r6 3emale #enant5 Yu*+; -vil Candlord5 2! ha" y!u all an"( I@m $!in$ "! *!n"a*" my la yer)ale 9ero5 N! ha" d! I d!6

+ociology 2rofessor5 Well( n! "ha" y!u@.e made s!me reali<a"i!ns ab!u" "he ays "ha" "radi"i!nal $ender r!les ha.e b!7ed y!u in"! a *!rner( hy d!n@" y!u and I - " ! he"er!se7ual males - $! !u" "! a m!.ie "!$e"her as ,riends)ale 9ero5 Sure( bu" !nly i, e +ee# an em#"y sea" be" een usA1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&JD

#ugar and !e ons: A #cientist's %ield +otes 2ay H0

While *han$in$ my "hir"een m!n"h !ld s!n@s dia#er( he be$ins "! s#in ar!und and ar!und !n "he bed a" an e7"remely ,as" #a*e and $i$$les l!udly "! himsel,( li+e a madman- This is n!" his usual beha.i!rI de*ided "! in.es"i$a"e2ay %0 A,"er s#endin$ all ni$h" brea+in$ d! n "he *ir*ums"an*es "ha" led "! my s!n@s bi<arre beha.i!r and #!urin$ "hr!u$h numer!us s*ien"i,i* /!urnals !n-line( I@.e narr! ed i" d! n "! " ! #!ssibili"ies0 HD he a"e "!! many 2ann!n Children@s Y!$ur"s ri$h" be,!re I *han$ed him( "hus *!nsumin$ a hi$h am!un" !, su$arOr %D dem!ni* #!ssessi!n2ay I0 I *!n"inue my in.es"i$a"i!n by #ursin$ my ,irs" hy#!"hesis0 my s!n is #!ssessed by an a##aren"ly .ery( .ery silly dem!nA,"er a bi" !, resear*h !n #!ssessi!n I dis*!.er "he ,!ll! in$0 His"!ri*ally( Chris"iani"y has "au$h" us "ha" Sa"an and his mini!ns !, dem!ns m!.e ab!u" "he !rld a""em#"in$ "! "!rmen" and des"r!y humans- The Chris"ian S*ri#"ures *!n"ains d!<ens !, #assa$es "ha" des*ribe "he belie, "ha" dem!ns *an #!ssess a human bein$ and *ause "hem "! beha.e s"ran$ely- A lar$e #ar" !, "he 4!s#el messa$e *!n*erns Gesus@ healin$ minis"ry !, e7!r*ism- He is des*ribed as ha.in$ *ured numer!us si*+ #e!#le by rem!.in$ dem!ns ,r!m "heir b!dy( in*ludin$ in !ne n!"able m!men"( "rans,errin$ a "h!usand dem!ni* s#iri"s ,r!m a #ers!n "! a herd !, #i$sMy resear*h ends( h! e.er( hen I am unable "! iden"i,y any dem!ns "ha" are s#e*i,i*ally silly2ay C0 I am( a$ain( *han$in$ my s!n@s dia#er( hen he s"ar"s "! s#in and $i$$le insanely- I s"ru$$le i"h my *urren" hy#!"hesis hen I n!"i*e "ha" "he "!#-ed$e !, his dia#er is s#rin+led i"h *!!+ie *rumbs- I en"er"ain "he *!n*e#" !, su$ar bein$ "he s!ur*e !, his bi<arre beha.i!r- Bu"( I am #re""y sure "ha" "he seemin$ly

in*!heren" babble he is emi""in$ is )a"in s#!+en ba*+ ards- I am n!" "!! *lear !n "his as I ,lun+ed !u" !, )a"in in hi$h s*h!!l and "!!+ S#anish ins"eadI de*ide "! "ry a li""le e7!r*ism and see ha" e,,e*" i" ill ha.e- I $a"her a *r!ss "ha" my i,e +ee#s in her bedr!!m dresser( a *!#y !, "he Bible "ha" e use "! #r!# u# a ind! ( and a $lass !, a"er "ha" I as drin+in$- I as+ Gesus "! bless i" and *!nsider i" h!ly a"erI am ,!r*ed "! aband!n my e7#erimen" hen my i,e al+s in and as+s me ha" "he hell I am d!in$- She $rabs "he *r!ss ,r!m my s!n@s ,!rehead( #i*+s u# "he #ie*es !, "he Bible "ha" he "!re u# and $rabs a "! el "! i#e u# "he h!ly a"er "ha" I #!ured !.er him- She men"i!ns my needin$ hel#- I *!un"er i"h a *lear ar"i*ula"i!n !, "he #!ssibili"y !, dem!ni* #!ssessi!n- I as+ her i, she is s#e*i,i*ally a are !, any silly dem!ns- She al+s !u" i"h !ur s!nI am disa##!in"ed as I as #re""y sure "ha" my s!n had be$un "! s#ea+ )a"in ,!r ards as he ri##ed !u" #a$es !, "he Bible2ay J0 A,"er re"urnin$ ,r!m a *!u#le@s *!unselin$ sessi!n i"h my i,e( I aband!n my ,irs" hy#!"hesis and #ursue a ne !ne0 my s!n a"e "!! mu*h su$arIn my resear*h !n su$ar( I ,ind0 Su$ar !r su*r!se( is a *arb!hydra"e "ha" is #resen" na"urally in ,rui"s and .e$e"ables- All #lan"s use a na"ural #r!*ess *alled #h!"!syn"hesis "! "urn sunli$h" in"! "he n!urishmen" "hey need ,!r $r! "hSu$ar is a *arb!hydra"e- The b!dy@s #rimary s!ur*e !, ener$y is ,r!m *arb!hydra"es- All .i"al !r$ansTbrain( hear"( li.erTneed *arb!hydra"es "! mee" "heir ener$y demands- Carb!hydra"es( in*ludin$ su$ar( als! #lay +ey r!les in mus*le ,un*"i!n( $r! "h and re$ula"i!n !, b!dy "em#era"ureI am n!" sure here "! $! "! a"*h The E7!r*is"i"h "his in,!rma"i!n( s! I "a+e a brea+

2ay S0 I ha.e an idea ,!r a ne7" s"e#- Bu"( sin*e my i,e !n@" lea.e me al!ne ,!r "!! l!n$ i"h !ur s!n( I de*ide "ha" I ill "es" my ne hy#!"hesis !n mysel,- I head "! "he $r!*ery s"!re here I buy " en"y-,i.e ba$s !, 1e##erid$e Farms 2!uble Ch!*!la"e Milan!s( a $all!n !, h!le mil+ and "en ba$s !, su$arWhile my i,e and s!n are !u" ,!r "he day( I be$in "! *!nsume all " en"y-,i.e ba$s !, *!!+ies- Be,!re ea"in$ ea*h *!!+ie( I di# i" in mil+ and "hen in"! a ba$ !, su$ar- I am n!" sure !, "he am!un" !, su$ar my s!n in$es"ed( bu" I assume "ha" I need "! e7*eed i" due "! my lar$er b!dy- ei$h"When I am d!ne i"h "he *!!+ies I ea" "he res" !, "he su$ar( /us" "! *!.er all bases2ay L0 Man( ha" ha.e I been missin$; Su$ar is s!( s! ,ri$$in@ e7*ellen"; I" is "he eli7ir !, "he $!ds( "he H!ly 4rail( #ure Hea.en in $ranular ,!rm- I ,eel li+e Su#erman- I *an@" ,ly bu"( man( I@.e mana$ed "! m! "he la n( #ain" "he $ara$e and *a"*h "he ba"s "ha" li.e in "he a""i* B all in !ne h!ur- I *an@" s"!# $rindin$ my "ee"h( bu" s! ha"( su$ar *!mes in li=uid ,!rm any ay- S!da is mannaFas"er( ,as"erKI ,ind "ha" I( "!!( n! en/!y s#innin$ ar!und !n my ba*+ !n "he ,l!!r( lau$hin$ li+e a mania*K,as"er( ,as"er( ,as"erKI $uess I *!n,irmed my hy#!"hesisM!re su$arK,u*+ "his s*ien*e-s"u,,( h! "he hell *an *!n*en"ra"e !n all !, "he de"ails- I@m =ui""in$- Need "! ,ind m!re su$arH!ld i"( I "hin+ my i,e is *allin$ an e7!r*is"Maybe he *an brin$ s!me m!re milan!s; A1ublished !n #he +cience .reative A$arterly ebsi"e B %&&JD

"he Absent Adults of Childhood %avorites #/eak )rs. +ally +mith " )other of the .hildren 3rom #he .at in the 9at I *ame h!me and ,!und "he h!use in *!m#le"e shambles- Th!se +ids mus" ha.e #ulled !#en e.ery dra er and *u#b!ard( "hen "hr! n e.ery"hin$ in"! "he middle !, "he r!!m- They "i##ed !.er all "he ,urni"ure( and em#"ied "he *!n"en"s !, "he .a*uum *leaner !n"! "he ,l!!r- T! "!# i" !,, I ,!und Mu,,y( my $!ld,ish( ,l!##in$ ar!und !n "he ,l!!r in a #!!l !, his ,ishb! l a"er- Wha" really made me ,li# my i$ as hen "hey "!ld me "ha" "he h!use had been a re*+( and "ha" i" as a" "ha" .ery m!men" *leaned u#- I, "ha" asn@" #sy*h!"i* en!u$h( "hey als! "!ld me "ha" i" had been des"r!yed and *leaned by a lar$e *a" in a "all red-and- hi"e ha" i"h his " ! ,riends Thin$ One and Thin$ T !( ins"ead !, by " ! helli!n *hildren h! sh!uld be made ,r!m n! !n "! #lay !u"side n! ma""er ha" "he ea"her is- There as n! "ele.isi!n ,!r a year a,"er "ha"( and I *er"ainly made "hem s*rub "he ,l!!rs harder and l!n$er !n "he ne7" s*heduled *leanin$ day)rs. #ina 'rown " .harlie 'rowns )other We +n! Chu*+ie is a $!!d li""le-b!y( bu" s!me"hin$ is r!n$We@.e "ried "! be $!!d #aren"s( "! !,,er him ha" a $r! in$ b!y needs "! be*!me a man- We $a.e him a #u##y AI an"ed "! $i.e him a #!ny( bu" his ,a"her !uld hear n!"hin$ !, i"D- We en*!ura$ed Chu*+ie "! $e" in"! s#!r"s- We e.en "ried +i"e-,lyin$( all "! n! a.ail- 1ers!nally( I "hin+ he an"s "! learn $ymnas"i*s Ahis ,a"her d!es n!" a$ree a" allD- Then( a,"er seein$ "ha" li""le ,rail $irl( )u*y( ma+e Chu*+ie ,all ,la" !n his ba*+ a$ain hile #layin$ ,!!"ball - ell( e $a.e u#- My husband si$ned him u# ,!r mili"ary s*h!!l- He lea.es ne7" ee+- His ,a"her "hin+s "his sh!uld s"rai$h"en him !u" be,!re he de.ia"es "!! ,ar- I@m n!" s! sure- I su$$es"ed ar"-s*h!!l( hi*h ,ell !n dea, ears- Ne7" I@m $!in$ "! su$$es" a di.!r*e)s -mily Congstockings " 2ippis 7randmother 1i##i- 1!!r( #!!r( 1i##i- I@.e s"ill $!" a *l!se" ,ull !, ni*e la*y dresses ai"in$ ,!r y!u- And a bi$ .a" !, ,reshly-made s!a# "! ash all !, "ha" $rime and sea-sal" !u" !, y!ur hair- I, y!u *!me "! li.e i"h me( I #r!mise y!u "hree s=uare meals a day and all !, "he d!lls and d!ll-h!uses a li""le $irl *!uld an"- O, *!urse( i, y!u

d! li.e i"h me i" ill be a #r!#er ,inishin$ s*h!!l ,!r y!u and n! m!re #layin$ 8sea *a#"ain9 and su*h- N!" ,!r a li""le lady- In ,a*"( I am #re#ared "! m!.e as ,ar a ay ,r!m "he !*ean as #!ssible( maybe >ansas !r Idah!- Yes( "ea-*a+es( #ian! less!ns( and bu*+led sh!es ,!r y!u- )!n$s"!*+in$s6 I" may be !ur namesa+e( bu" I@.e $!" a /u$ !, +er!sene and a h!le in "he yard "! burn ea*h and e.ery !ne)r. 7regory #eeny 9erman " 2ee Wees 3ather Sure I $uess he s#ends a l!" !, "ime han$in$ !u" in "he basemen" ,un-r!!m- He *alls i" his 8#lay-h!me9 !r s!me su*h shi"- I d!n@" +n! ha"@s r!n$ i"h "ha" ,ri$$in@ +id- T! be *!m#le"ely h!nes"( I@.e $i.en u# !n him- Y!u +n! ( I@m a b!7er a $rea" !ne a" "ha" Aes#e*ially i, I hadn@" "a+en "ha" bl! "! my le,"-eye and nearly +n!*+ed "he damn "hin$ !u"D- Any ay( as a b!7er I "hin+ i"s im#!r"an" "ha" +ids $e" $!!d e7er*ise- I "ried 1ee Wee a" runnin$ and hi""in$ "he ba$ and s"u,,( bu" all he an"ed "! d! as run in *ir*les and /um# u#-and-d! n li+e s!me +ind !, ,rui"- And "ha" damn !u",i"; I d!n@" +n! i, "ha" +id@s $!" my $enes !r n!"- He re,uses "! ear a s ea"shir" !r snea+ersIns"ead( he *!lle*"s "h!se s"u#id b! -"ies- Wha" +ind !, +id ears b! -"ies6 I@d ha.e $!""en my ass +i*+ed in s*h!!l i, I l!!+ed li+e him- As ,ar as I@m *!n*erned( he *an s"ay d! n in "he basemen" "al+in$ "! his ima$inary ,riends- >ee# "he d!!r *l!sed( lea.e ,!!d a" "he "!# !, "he s"airsKend !, s"!ry#imothy 3laherty " :ncle of 0immy 3rom 9. R. 2$fnst$f The las" "ime I sa Gimmy( he as *arryin$ his ,lu"e ar!und in his #!*+e" li+e s!me +ind !, hu$e #en- He "!ld me he as $!in$ "! $! "a+e a al+ by "he sea- He seemed a bi" s#a*ed !u"- N! I +n! "ha" he didn@" really li+e learnin$ a musi*al ins"rumen"- My sis"er - his m!"her - ,!r*ed him "! learn "he ,lu"e( hi*h he de"es"ed- He "!ld me "ha" day "ha" he ished "he s"u#id "hin$ !uld #lay i"sel,- My main *!n*ern( n! "ha" Gimmy has been missin$ ,!r s! l!n$( is "ha" my $!!d buddy( Ernes"( as .isi"in$ "ha" ee+- N! Ernes" is a ni*e $uy bu" he has a bi" !, a dru$ #r!blem - hi*h "han+,ully he@s "ryin$ "! +i*+ n! "ha" all !, "his has ha##ened- Y!u see( Ernes" isn@" sure i, he br!u$h" ,!ur !r ,i.e hi"s !, a*id "ha" ee+- I "!ld "he #!li*e( i"h!u" sayin$ hy( "ha" "hey sh!uld #r!bably see i, Gimmy ended u# in San Fran*is*! !r here e.er dru$$ed !u" hi##ies li.e "hese days- He sh!uld be easy "! ,ind - a smallish b!y i"h a b! l hair*u"( a l!n$ s*ra$$ly hi##ie-beard( and a hu$e ,lu"e s"i*+in$ !u" !, his #!*+e"Kunless( !, *!urse( he s!ld i" ,!r m!re dru$s-

A1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&JD

#o e #uggestions for the +e1t %il in (eorge Ro ero's ;o bie #eries #welfth ,ight of the Civing /ead The Bard mee"s 4e!r$e R!mer!0 *r!ss-dressin$ <!mbies in "he si7"een"h *en"ury- Wh!se a man6 Wh!se a !man6 Wh!se li.in$6 Wh!se dead6 Hilari"y ensues%nother ,ight of the Civing /ead Ni$h" !, "he )i.in$ 2ead mee"s 4r!und H!$@s 2ay- A <!mbie ,inds himsel, ba*+ in H'SQ( in bla*+ and hi"e( a""a*+in$ a ,armh!use - re-8li.in$9 e.ery"hin$( a$ain- He reali<es "ha" he +n! s e7a*"ly here #e!#le ill be hidin$ and runnin$ "!- S!( he de*ides "! ai" behind "rees and buildin$s( $rabbin$ #e!#le ins"ead !, *hasin$ "hem i"h "h!se s"i,,ened <!mbie le$sRosencrant! and 7$ildensternDCiving /ead T ! min!r <!mbie *hara*"ers ,r!m 2a n !, "he 2ead se" "hemsel.es u# !n a "hea"er s"a$e- While s"ru$$lin$ i"h "he inabili"y "! ,!rm any dial!$ue( "hey be$in "! a""ra*" li.in$ audien*e members - h!m "hey $rab ,r!m "he sea"s and ea" !n s"a$e- This a""ra*"s m!re in"ri$ued "hea"er-$!ers- This is a ,ilm "ha" del.es in"! "he limi"s !, meanin$( and besides( ha" is m!re !, an e7is"en"ial ni$h"mare "han a <!mbie m!.ie6 3ollowing the /ead The !rld is "eemin$ i"h "he li.in$ dead- A y!un$ <!mbie de.el!#s a s"ran$e desire "! nibble !n B!b Weir@s ri$h" ,!rearmHe be$ins "! ,!ll! "he 4ra"e,ul 2ead( h! - des#i"e "he absen*e !, m!s" li.in$ #e!#le - are s"ill "!urin$'$b vs. 0ason vs. 3reddie vs. %lien vs. 2redator The <!mbie ,r!m 2ay !, "he 2ead is *au$h" in a melee i"h "he !"her bad-b!ys !, h!rr!r *inema- N! real s"!ry line- 4ee+-b!y dream-

#ea"#ime for the /ead All "he li.in$ are n! dead- The !rld is a s arm i"h aimless( anderin$ <!mbies- En"il !ne <!mbie ,inds a l!ne "ea-*u# lyin$ !n "he $r!und- He #i*+s i" u#( ,umbles i" in his ,in$ers and be$ins "! e7#erien*e ,li*+ers !, mem!ry ,r!m his 8li.in$9 #as"He remembers h! "! $a"her ,resh min"( hi*h he d!es ,r!m a nearby $arden and *lumsily b!ils a #!" !, "ea- This m!men" be$ins a *han$e in <!mbie #ur#!se and *ul"ure- S!!n( many $i.e u# "he sear*h ,!r li.in$ ,lesh and be$in "! bre *u#s !, Earl 4rey( Cham!mile( and e.en s!me ,ine medi*inal "eas "ha" hel# se""le "he s"!ma*h- The ,ilm ends i"h an!"her <!mbie re*allin$ h! "! ma+e *rum#e"s - "h!u$h "hey *!me !u" all ,l!ur-y and "as"eless - hi*h is !+ay be*ause m!s" <!mbies( e.en hen li.in$( ne.er +ne ha" *rum#e"s ere any ayA1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&SD

An )nterview with Old Man Last Year Mr- %&&J( Old Man )as" Year - h! as re#la*ed by "he Baby Ne Year !n Ganuary Hs"( %&&S - is *urren"ly in re"iremen" a" a *!nd!-*!m#le7 in Fl!rida- He as .ery !#en "! ans erin$ =ues"i!ns- When !ur re#!r"er *au$h" u# i"h him he as rela7in$ !n his ,r!n" #!r*hReporter5 Than+s ,!r mee"in$ i"h me Mr- %&&J<EEF5 Wh! are y!u6 Reporter5 Remember( I "al+ed "! y!u !n "he #h!ne ab!u" ans erin$ s!me !, my =ues"i!ns6 <EEF5 2id "ha" assh!le ne7" d!!r send y!u "! *!m#lain ab!u" "he l!ud TV6 I "!ld him I *an@" hear s! ell "hese days- 2id he $e" "he ear#lu$s I le," in his mailb!76 Reporter5 N! sir- I ha.e n!"hin$ "! d! i"h y!ur nei$hb!r- I am !nderin$ sin*e y!u ha.e had s!me "ime "! re,le*" !n y!ur "enure as The Year( i, y!u re*all any hi$hli$h"s6

<EEF5 Oh( I seeKI d!n@" +n! i, I ha.e mu*h "! say ab!u" "ha"Bu"( I ha.e $!" s!me su$$es"i!ns ,!r %&&S- Firs" !, all( I "hin+ e sh!uld $e" rid !, N!.ember- Tha"@s ri$h" - I ha"e "ha" m!n"h- We *an #u" Ve"eran@s 2ay s!me here else- H! ab!u" #u""in$ i" in Au$us"6 N! "ha"@s a $!!d "ime "! "a+e a day !,, !, !r+- As a ma""er !, ,a*"( my Au$us" as =ui"e h!"K"!! h!" ,!r my li+in$- I had "! buy a number !, #airs !, sh!r"s as I re*allKn!" "h!se Bermudas "h!u$h( "hey ma+e my le$s l!!+ "!! s+innyK-any ay( maybe e *an ma+e "he m!n"hs all e.en-numbered ins"ead !, "his *!n,usin$ 8"hir"y days has Se#"ember9 n!nsense- Tha"@s an!"her idea I hadReporter5 Well( "ha"@s in"eres"in$( sir- Bu" I@m !nderin$ i, y!u ha.e any "h!u$h"s !nK <EEF5 Tell me( ha.e "hey *!me u# i"h a name ,!r "his de*ade( ye"6 I be" n!"- I" used "! irri"a"e "he hell !u" !, me0 8The Ou$h"s9( 8The &@s9( !r 8The %&&&@s9- I l!bbied ,!re.er "! $e" my *h!i*e in "here0 8The Fan"as"i*ally 4rand Firs" Ten9- Bu" n! !ne seemed "! $i.e a damnReporter5 Hmmm( ha" ab!u" y!ur "h!u$h"s !nK <EEF5 I@ll "ell y!u a "h!u$h" I had0 a l!" *an ha##en in a year- And "here is a l!" "! +ee# "ra*+ !,( es#e*ially i, y!ur mem!ry is sh!" all "! hell- My su$$es"i!n0 "he mira*le !, 1!s"-I" N!"es- Th!se bu$$ers are =ui"e ama<in$Reporter5 Sir( i, e *!uld $e" ba*+ "!K <EEF5 Wh! are y!u( a$ain6 Reporter5 I !r+ ,!r "he #a#er- And I am here "! as+ y!u s!me =ues"i!ns<EEF5 %&&S sen" y!u didn@" he6 I +ne he@d $e" all s*re ed u#I"@s a l!" m!re di,,i*ul" "! be The Year "han he "h!u$h"- Y!un$ #un+- He as all bri$h" and shiny i"h his ni*e "aun" s+in- Full !, a""i"udeKdid he ,ind my #i#e6 2urin$ "h!se las" ,e ee+s !, 2e*ember( I +e#" l!sin$ e.ery"hin$- I, he didn@" ,ind i"( as+ him "! l!!+ behind "he s"!.e !r in be" een "he *ushi!ns !n "he re*liner-

Reporter5 Well( sir( "his d!esn@" seem "! be a $!!d "ime "! "al+1erha#s I sh!uld *!me ba*+ !n an!"her day- Are y!u sure y!u d!n@" ha.e any las" "h!u$h" y!u@d li+e "! im#ar" "! "he !rld<EEF5 Yeah( "ell %&&S "! l!!+ !u" ,!r "h!se Callahan " ins a*r!ss "he s"ree"- They e$$ed "he h!use las" Hall! een and *alled me 8Mr- Cran+y-1an"s9 hile I as !u" ra+in$ lea.es- 2amn +ids( n! !ne res#e*"s "heir elders "hese days- Tha"@s ri$h" - I@.e $!" s!me"hin$ "! say0 /us" be*ause an !ld man li+es "! d! yard !r+ hile earin$ sh!r"s and n! shir" is n! reas!n "! si*+ y!ur +ids !n him- 4! ahead( "ell "he !rld "ha"Reporter5 Em( "han+ y!uA1ublished !n 1pi$m )aga!ine ebsi"e B %&&SD

"he Calls of Cthulu Call MH A1h!ne rin$sD .th$l$5 Hell!+olicitor5 Hell!( Mr- C"hulu6 .th$l$5 Yes6 +olicitor5 2! y!u ha.e $!!d *ar insuran*e6 .th$l$5 I am an Elder 4!d !, "he 2amned- I d!n@" need "ha" sim#lis"i* m!de !, "rans#!r"a"i!n+olicitor5 Well( as an elderly #ers!n( I unders"and y!u mus" #ay a hi$h #remium.th$l$5 C"hulu d!es n!" #ay ,!r any"hin$-

+olicitor5 I am sure "ha" li.in$ !n a ,i7ed in*!me *an ma+e a,,!rdin$ $!!d *ar insuran*e a di,,i*ul"y- Wha" i, I "!ld y!u "ha" I *!uld sa.e y!u a minimum !, " en"y-,i.e #er*en" !n y!ur yearly #remium6 .th$l$5 I ha"e human s*um li+e y!u- Y!u +n! ( I *!uld "rans#!r" mysel, "hr!u$h "his #h!ne-line and re.eal mysel, in all !, my h!rrible $randeur B *ausin$ y!u "! li.e in a !rld !, *!ns"an" ni$h"mares- Y!u !uld #ray ,!r a s i," dea"h a" my hands+olicitor5 O+ay( !+ay- Wha" ab!u" li,e insuran*e6 .th$l$5 Kn! "han+s- AHan$s u#D Arr$h; Call M% 2i!!a /elivery +ervice5 Hell!( Sal.a"!re@s 1i<<a 1ala*e- H! *an I hel# y!u6 .th$l$5 I !uld li+e a Mea"-)!.er@s 1i<<a( deli.ered "! %IJ Main S"- Ar+ham2i!!a /elivery +ervice5 I am s!rry- We d!n@" deli.er "! Ar+ham.th$l$5 R@lyeh; I am !ne !, "he 4rea" Old Ones- I am ,r!m "he an*ien" #rim!rdial de#"hs( and "he sheer si$h" !, me !uld s"ri+e su*h ,ear "ha" y!u !uld ,ind y!ursel, in a ni$h"marish #sy*h!"i* s"u#!r ,!r "he res" !, y!ur li,e2i!!a /elivery +ervice5 Oh yeah( buddy- H! ab!u" my br!"her Vi* *!min$ !.er "here and brea+in$ ea*h !, y!ur ,in$ers !ne-by!ne hile y!ur ,amily a"*hes6 See i, "ha" d!esn@" s"ri+e ,ear in y!u.th$l$5 Arr$h; Kd! I $e" a dis*!un" i, I #i*+ i" u#6 Call MI A1h!ne rin$sD 4o$ng )ale 6oice5 Hell! is s#a$he""i-,a*e "here6 A)au$h"er in ba*+$r!undD

.th$l$5 H! dare y!u dis#ara$e "he mi$h"y .isa$e !, C"hulu; I ha.e li.ed a$es bey!nd "he "ime !, men- My h!rrible beau"y is !ne "! be !rshi##edKbesides "heir ,eelers( n!" s#a$he""i 4o$ng )ale 6oice5 Hey( y!ur #as"a!uld y!u li+e an !mele""e "! $! i"h

.th$l$5 7rrrB Y!u s"u#id Callahan +ids - y!u@re "he !nes "ha" e$$ed my h!use las" Hall! een( aren@" y!u6 I !u$h" "! +ill y!u 4o$ng )ale 6oice5 Y!u and ha" army6 .th$l$5 I d!n@" need an army( !ne l!!+ a" me and B 4o$ng )ale 6oice5 -and e.ery!ne runs a ay( y!u@re s! u$ly( s#a$he""i-,a*eK AC"hulu han$s u#- C"hulu si$hs dee#ly-D Call MC 2hone .ompany5 Hell!( y!u ha.e rea*hed "he Ar+ham 1h!ne C!m#any- Our $!al is "! ma+e y!ur #h!ne ser.i*e "he bes"- I, y!u ha.e a =ues"i!n ab!u" y!ur ser.i*e( #ress H- I, y!u ish "! *han$e !r *an*el y!ur ser.i*e( #ress %AC"hulu #resses %D 2hone .ompany5 I, y!u ish "! *han$e y!ur ser.i*e( #ress H- I, y!u ish "! *an*el y!ur ser.i*e( #ress %AC"hulu #resses %D 2hone .ompany5 1lease s"ay !n "he line hile e *!nne*" y!u "! an !#era"!rAC"hulu ai"sD 2hone .ompany5 Hell!( y!u ha.e rea*hed "he Ar+ham 1h!ne C!m#any- Our $!al is "! ma+e y!ur #h!ne ser.i*e "he bes"KAC"hulu han$s u#- C"hulu =uie"ly ee#s-D

Call MHIS AOne M!n"h )a"erD A1h!ne rin$sD .th$l$5 Hell!+olicitor5 2! y!u *urren"ly ha.e a subs*ri#"i!n "! TV 4uide6 .th$l$5 I@ll "a+e i"; +olicitor5 Eh( all ri$h"- Bu" d!n@" y!u e.en an" "! hear ab!u" !ur subs*ri#"i!n ra"es6 .th$l$5 I am ready "! d! y!ur biddin$- I ill #ay ha"e.er y!u re=ues"- Wha"e.er "he 1h!ne-Mas"er an"sK-/us" d!n@" hur" me+olicitor5 O+ay- Well( !ur *urren" ra"e is PJ& a year- 2! I ha.e y!ur #ermissi!n "! bill y!u and s"ar" y!ur subs*ri#"i!n6 .th$l$5 Yes( sir+olicitor5 Than+ y!uAC"hulu han$s u#- C"hulu si"s and s"ares a" "he small bla*+ #h!ne( ai"in$ ,!r i"s ne7" ins"ru*"i!nsDA1ublished !n )c+weeneys ebsi"e B %&&SD

Hierarch$ of +eeds for Parents AIn H'CI Abraham Masl! $a.e us his #sy*h!l!$i*al "he!ry !, "he Hierar*hy !, Needs- His "he!ry( sim#ly s"a"ed( #!si"s "ha" humans inheren"ly see+ hi$her and hi$her le.els !, needs( s"ar"in$ i"h "he basi* #hysi!l!$i*al and endin$ i"h sel,a*"uali<a"i!n- One needs "! mee" ea*h 8l! er9 need in !rder "! see+ "he ne7" le.el A!ne needs ,!!d and shel"er be,!re see+in$ "he se*uri"y !, em#l!ymen" and m!rali"y be,!re "ryin$ "! a""ain

l!.e( e"*D- S!meh! I sus#e*" Mr- Masl! as n!" a #aren"( !"her ise he !uld ha.e re-"h!u$h" his in,am!us hierar*hy2hysiological 1aren"in$ brin$s y!u *l!ses" "! y!ur base needs- )i.in$ in a ,!res" ea"in$ $rubs hile li.in$ in a *a.e ,!r #r!"e*"i!n ,r!m #reda"!rs is n!"hin$ *!m#ared "! m!n"hs !, slee# de#ri.a"i!n( nearly dr! nin$ in s#i"-u#( and y!ur *hild@s dis*!.ery !, "he !rd 8n!9- The under#innin$s !, in"elli$en*e( e7#erien*e and *!n,iden*e "ha" y!u had as a #re-#aren" adul" is +i*+ed !u" ,r!m undernea"h y!u and y!u !,"en be*!me a babblin$( *!n,used( dis"urbed indi.idual- Fr!m "he m!men" y!u brin$ h!me y!ur ne me lin$ li""le human( y!u mus" be$in "! re-a""ain y!ur basi* #hysi!l!$i*al needs0

The need "! dis"in$uish be" een day and ni$h" a$ain The need "! remember "ha" y!ur s#!use is "he #ers!n y!u
married and n!" a ha<y s"ran$er h! has *!me "! +idna# y!ur *hild in "he middle !, "he ni$h" The need "! "a+e a sh! er m!re "han !n*e a ee+ !r a" leas" s#lash y!ursel, i"h s!me +ind !, #er,ume !r essen"ial !il On*e "hese needs are me"( y!u *an m!.e !n"!0 +afety S#elun+in$( s+y-di.in$ and ra*e-*ar dri.in$ ha.e n!"hin$ !n "he dan$ers !, #aren"in$- Bruise-,!r-bruise and ,lu-,!r-,lu #aren"in$ has $!" "! be "he m!s" dan$er #r!ne #r!,essi!n- 1r!"e*"in$ y!ursel, ,r!m "he mine,ield !, "endin$ "! y!ur y!un$ is a #ri!ri"yHere are "he basi* needs "! ma+e y!ur ay "hr!u$h "his le.el0

The need "! *lear y!ur head i"h li""le *hun+s !, slee# s! y!u
are *!heren" en!u$h "! dis"in$uish "he *!,,ee "able ,r!m "he air ar!und i" and "! s"!# "he layer !, bla*+-and-blue mar+s "ha" y!u are de.el!#in$ ar!und y!ur shins The need "! ,ind "he #er,e*" ,!rmula !, .i"amin C( herbal remedies and Tabas*! sau*e "! s"a.e !,, any li""le *!ld $erm "ha" is breedin$ and h!.erin$ in an in.isible *!ne ar!und y!ur *hild The abili"y "! remember "ha" y!ur ,in$er is n!" a *arr!" hile *h!##in$ .e$e"ables

On*e y!u ha.e $!ne a" leas" a m!n"h i"h!u" usin$ a band-aid n!r .isi"in$ a medi*al d!*"!r !r emer$en*y r!!m( y!u *an m!.e !n"!0 CoveG'elonging Isn@" "his e7a*"ly hy y!u had *hildren in "he ,irs" #la*e6 Is "ha" hy6 A*"ually I d!n@" remember- Any ay( i" is *er"ainly a $rea" bene,i"( and in*reasin$ y!ur ,amily@s si<e *er"ainly d!es in*rease "he #!"en"ial ,!r l!.e and bel!n$in$- Bu" "his *an als! brin$ u# a ne se" !, needs0

The need "! d! 8m!re9 i"h y!ur s#!use "han e7*han$e slee#y
$run"s hile handin$ y!ur baby !.er "! ea*h !"her Tha"@s i" "here is n! !"her need On*e y!u@.e had se7K-I mean me" "his le.el !, need y!u *an /um# "!0 -steem As #re-#aren" adul"s( y!u !,"en "hin+ y!u@.e $!" y!ur li,e #re""y ell ,i$ured !u"- Y!u@re li.in@ lar$e and y!u are ired- Then y!ur li""le "y+e en"ers y!ur !rld and y!u be*!me =ui"e small and un#lu$$ed- Here is ha" y!u need "! $r! a bi" and re-#lu$ in0

The need "! buy ne *l!"hes "! re#la*e "he !nes "ha" are
s"ained and !rn !u" a" "he +nees The need "! see+ $!!d *hir!#ra*"i* !r+ "! re#air "he " is"ed and ben" mus*les in y!ur ba*+ A,r!m li,"in$ y!ur in*reasin$ly ei$h"y *hild and le""in$ "hem s in$ ,r!m y!ur arms and ne*+D The need "! *!me u# i"h a $!!d( seri!us lis" !, *!meba*+s "! all !, "he #aren"s h! ,ind i" "heir business "! $i.e y!u "he e.ileye !r ma+e *!mmen"s !n y!ur #aren"in$-s"yle Ab!nus #!in"s i, y!u ma+e "hem *ryD On*e y!u ha.e re*!ns"ru*"ed y!ur es"eem( y!u *an ,inally m!.e !n"! "he ,inal le.el0 +elf"%ct$ali!ation Masl! held !u" "ha" human-bein$s are dri.en "! rea*h "his le.el- I belie.e "ha" #aren"s s"umble and *ra l here- This le.el is n!" ab!u" needs bu" m!re ab!u" "he a""ribu"es y!u h!ld !n*e y!u ,ind y!ursel, here- Oddly en!u$h( i" seems "ha" "his le.el is rea*hed hen !ne has s"!##ed #aren"in$ B hen y!ur *hildren

are $r! n-u# and !u" !, "he h!me- Ir!ni*( huh6 Any ay( y!u are ,inally here- Here is ha" sel,-a*"uali<ed #aren"s really l!!+ li+e0
They ha.e rela"i.ely sm!!"h ,a*ial ,ea"ures An! $r!*ery ba$s

under "heir eyesD They are *lear-eyed and aler" An! s"unned l!!+ li+e a deer in headli$h"sD They are able "! remember ha" "hey had ,!r dinner "he ni$h" be,!re They say( =ui"e unbelie.ably( "ha" "hey *an@" ai" "! be*!me $rand#aren"s A1ublished !n #he +cience .reative A$arterly ebsi"e B %&&SD

A Brief Conversation with M$ Hair )e5 My Hair has had a *areer de,ined by ild e7"remes- Ea*h hi$hli$h" su*h as His Firs" Tri# "! "he Barber has been ,!ll! ed by ,ailures li+e S! This is a Mulle"- I am *!n,iden" "ha" My Hair ill ha.e l!"s "! say in ha" is his ,irs" !##!r"uni"y "! s#ea+ !u" #ubli*ly- Wel*!me( My Hair- Than+ y!u ,!r "a+in$ "ime !u" !, y!ur busy s*hedule)y 9air5 The #leasure is all mine- Fran+ly I "h!u$h" n! !ne really *ared ab!u" my *areer anym!re)e5 )e"@s s"ar" by ,!*usin$ !n s!me !, "h!se m!men"s hen y!u s"ru$$led- Wha" ere y!u "hin+in$ hen y!u ,!und y!ursel, !r+in$ !n The T!! Ti$h" 1erm6 )y 9air5 Yes( yes( "ha" as =ui"e $ruelin$ asn@" i"6 Well( "he ,a*" is( I had al ays had dreams !, bein$ a l!!se mane !, l!n$ *urls - un+em#" bu" se7y - +ind !, li+e a m!dern day Gim M!rris!n- I e7#e*"ed a l!!se #erm( bu" *ame !u" i"h a se" !, "i$h" *urls - m!re Weird Al Gan+!.i* "han Mr- M!rris!n)e5 2id Sha.e I" All O,, *!me as a relie, be*ause !, "his e7#erien*e6

)y 9air5 S!me ha"- A*"ually( Sha.e I" All O,, had been s!me"hin$ I an"ed "! !r+ !n sin*e "he )im# M!ha + In*iden" an!"her "ra$edy "ha" I@d ra"her n!" $e" in"!)e5 )e"@s $! ba*+ "! s!me !, y!ur early !r+- Wha" d! y!u l!!+ ba*+ !n m!s" ,!ndly6 )y 9air5 Fr!m my early years( I l!!+ ba*+ !n Be,!re My Classma"es Ca/!led Me in"! Washin$ My Hair E.eryday as a #ar"i*ular nadir- Be,!re "hen( I bas+ed in "he inn!*en*e !, /us" bein$ h! I as- I did n!" ,eel "he in*essan" #ressure !, needin$ "! l!!+ li+e e.ery!ne else- I miss "he days !, "ha" ,ree-,l! !, *rea"i.i"y0 le""in$ dir" and dead lea.es s"i*+ "! me ,!r days !n end- S#la""ered mud as a ,!rm !, un*!ns*i!us sel,-e7#ressi!nAll !, my *!n"em#!raries ere in a "hri.in$ *rea"i.e *auldr!nU "hen *ame /uni!r hi$h s*h!!l- Suddenly( my #eers ere sm!"hered in $els and drained !, li,e by bl! -dryers- Tha"@s hen I be*ame in.!l.ed i"h The Hairs#ray 2eba*le- Can a,"er *an !, "ha" s"u,, *an r!" y!ur brain and ea" a ay a" y!ur ,!lli*les)e"@s /us" say - hen y!u a+e u# !ne day surr!unded by em#"y *ans and "he dan+ s*en" !, aer!s!l in "he air( y!u learn "! s"!# *!ld "ur+ey)e5 Y!ur *areer +ind !, ,aded ,!r a bi"- Y!u ere l!n$ i$n!red and didn@" "ry any"hin$ ne !r ed$y as y!u a""em#"ed "! d! in y!ur %&@s)y 9air5 I *h!*+ "ha" u# "! "he rela"i.e im#l!si!n "ha" ,!ll! ed0 2amn( Is My Hair Thinnin$6 I ,!und mysel, in a dee# de#ressi!n- I as riddled i"h an7ie"y and my *!n"a*" i"h "he !u"side !rld be*ame limi"ed- I be*ame a .ir"ual re*luse - hidin$ under baseball *a#s and in"er ha"s- As ,ar as I as *!n*erned I !uld ha.e been ha##y "! ne.er see "he li$h" !, day a$ain)e5 Tha" *han$ed h! e.er)y 9air5 As e.ery!ne +n! s( I *ame !u" !, my shell i"h I Ha.e a 4irl,riend Wh! )!.es Me( 1!"en"ial Male-1a""ern Baldness and All- Yes( "han+ 4!d ,!r "ha"- I, "ha" hadn@" ha##ened( I mi$h" ha.e lan$uished in *!ns"an" re-runs !, Sha.e I" All O,, ,!re.er)e5 These days y!u seem "! ha.e $ained "he res#e*" !, y!ur #eers- Y!u are .ery .isible and $enerally admired( !r a" leas"

"!lera"ed by y!ur audien*e- 2! y!u "hin+ i" had mu*h "! d! i"h I Ha.e a 4irl,riendK6 )y 9air5 M!s" de,ini"ely- Es#e*ially sin*e "ha" as ,!ll! ed by She Married Me( N! I Can 4! C!m#le"ely Bald and I W!n@" Be Al!ne- This h!le #eri!d !, my li,e has $i.en me a *!n,iden*e "ha" I ne.er had be,!re- I"@s all! ed me "! "a# in"! a sense !, /us" bein$ mysel,( hi*h I ne.er had as a y!u"h- I "hin+ "his ha##ens "! m!s" in my #!si"i!n- I" has als! $i.en me "he *!n,iden*e "! en$a$e in ris+ier ma"erial a$ain)e5 Y!u mean su*h "hin$s as Why 1ay P%J "! a Hair-2resser When I Can Cu" My O n Hair i"h a P%J 1air !, Sheers6 )y 9air5 Yes- And Mu""!n-Ch!#s Can )!!+ 4!!d !n a F!r"yYear Old)e5 Well( I an" "! "han+ y!u ,!r "al+in$ i"h me "!day- Be,!re e $!( *an y!u "ell us hi*h !, y!ur ,u"ure #r!/e*"s y!u are m!s" e7*i"ed ab!u"6 )y 9air5 I #r!bably sh!uldn@" say any"hin$ ab!u" "his( sin*e s! ,e +n! ab!u" i" ye"( bu" I@m *urren"ly in h!" ne$!"ia"i!ns !.er H!ney( Wha" 2! Y!u Thin+ !, C!rnr! s6 A1ublished !n #he 'ig 0ewel ebsi"e B %&&SD

Clouds: ) /ortant< Cl!uds are ,as*ina"in$- 2ay a,"er day e ,li" ab!u" !ur li.es and #ay li""le a""en"i!n "! "hese ,lu,,y airshi#s- We sh!uldn@" i$n!re *l!uds( "h!u$h- N!( "here is mu*h B mu*h( mu*h( mu*h B "ha" is "!! im#!r"an" ab!u" "hem- )e" me "a+e a m!men" and $i.e y!u s!me ,a*"s ab!u" *l!uds- S! #ay a""en"i!n and learn0 .lo$ds are an important part of the ecosystem. Cl!uds are re#!si"!ries ,!r all !, "he m!is"ure "ha" is e.a#!ra"ed ,r!m "he !*eans( la+es and e.en "he $lass !, a"er "ha" si"s beside me n! - In ,a*"( alm!s" hal, !, "he a"er in my $lass has

disa##eared sin*e I s"ar"ed ri"in$ "his - all s"!len by "he *l!uds "ha" #ass !.er us- O**asi!nally( *l!uds d! re"urn s!me !, "he a"er "hey s i#e- They d! "his by emi""in$ rain !r sn! - Cl!uds !nly d! "his hen e s"ar" "! sus#e*" "ha" "hey are h!rdin$ "!! mu*h a"er.lo$ds are everywhere. There is n! #ar" !, "he Ear"h@s a"m!s#here "ha" d!es n!" a" !ne "ime !r an!"her *!n"ain a *l!udThey may "a+e "he a##earan*e !, "hin is#y s"rea+s !r a hu$e #ile !, dar+ !min!us shee"s( bu" "hey are al ays ab!.e us- In ,a*"( i, !ne *!nsiders ,!$ as a "y#e !, *l!ud( !ne *!uld say "ha" "hey are als! am!n$ us as ell as ab!.e us- T! *!n"inue "his line !, "h!u$h" B $eneral m!is"ure in "he air is a +ind !, a dis#ersed ,!$- I may ha.e been *alled #aran!id be,!re( bu" "his means "ha" e brea"h in *l!uds( "!!- S!( in ,a*"( *l!uds are e.ery here all "he "ime- Tha" isn@" #aran!id- Gus" be*ause I ear a sur$i*al mas+ *!.ered in *lear shella* d!esn@" ma+e #aran!id( !+ay6 I" ma+es me sa,e.lo$ds are not pieces of floating cotton"candy. N!( "ha" !uld be silly- They are als! n!" really dr!#s !, a"er( ei"herE.ery"hin$ I said ab!.e as a lie- I didn@" in"end "! lie "! y!uS!me"imes I /us" *an@" *!n"r!l mysel,- Any ay( "he "ru"h is *l!uds are really disemb!died s#iri"s- Thin+ ab!u" i"- A,"er e die( !ur s#iri"s ,ly !u" !, us and $! u# "! hea.en- E7*e#" any ra"i!nal human bein$ +n! s "here is n! hea.en- The idea !, s!me +ind !, #aradise ,l!a"in$ in "he s+y is a my"h- S! here d! "he disemb!died s#iri"s $!6 They ,l!a" u# and be*!me *l!udsO, *!urse "hey "a+e m!is"ure i"h "hem and "ha"@s h! is a*"ually s"ealin$ all !, "he a"er B in*ludin$ all !, "he a"er ,r!m my $lass( hi*h is n! em#"y- A*"ually ha" !rries me is B!bby B "he $uy h! li.es in "he bushes a" "he end !, my s"ree" B h! died re*en"ly- He didn@" li+e me "!! mu*h- He al ays /um#ed !u" !, "he bushes and "hrea"ened me B earin$ his *h!*!la"e #an"s and bears+in shir" - he !uld s*are me s! mu*h I !uld dr!# my *!n"ainer !, Tan$ A hi*h I +e#" in a s#e*ial shella* and $au<e *!.ered *u# "! +ee# "he s#iri"-$h!s"s ,r!m s"ealin$ "he a"er( lea.in$ !nly Tan$-#! derD- Any ay( sin*e he died I am #re""y sure "ha" I@.e seen a #ar"i*ular *l!ud ,!ll! me e.ery here- I"@s !,"en in "he sha#e !, *h!*!la"e #an"s( bu" n!" al ays- Then( "he !"her day i" as ,!$$y and i" as a Tuesday- I "hin+ I may ha.e been brea"hin$ in B!bby des#i"e my mas+-

.lo$ds are scary. Remember "ha"- I@m #re""y sure "he B!bby4h!s"-Cl!ud /us" s"!le my $lass( "!!- T! be sa,e e.ery!ne sh!uld $a"her u# a l!" !, shella* and sur$i*al mas+s- I" is !ur !nly h!#e- Hurry; Run !u" n! - I h!#e y!u learned s!me"hin$A1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&SD

(ilga esh= >ing of .ruk in Bab$lonia 2B?C? @ABB7 Res/onds to Advertising's Biggest *uestions 9ow many licks does it take to get to the #ootsie"Roll center of a #ootsie"2op? Wh! is "his 8T!!"sie9 y!u s#ea+ !, B "he !ne hi*h y!u as+ me "! li*+( r!ll and #!#6 The 4rea" 4il$amesh is #ar" human( #ar" $!dHe is "he +in$ !, "he $rea" *i"y !, Eru+- This *i"y is ,!r"i,ied by hu$e alls and "he ,ines" mas!n- !r+ in all !, "he !rld- The s"!ries !, my e7#l!i"s are *ar.ed in la#is la<uli a" "he base !, Eru+@s $rea" $a"es- The "ales !, myK- here as I6 Oh( T!!"sieI ill ,i$h" any!ne( any"ime( any hereWo$ldnt yo$ really rather have a '$ick? I, I am n!" mis"a+en( Bui*+ is bey!nd "he m!un"ains !, Eru+ here "he "ri*+lin$ s"reams !, "he $rea" Eu#hra"es are sl! ly amassed- W!uld I li+e "! ha.e Bui*+6 Cer"ainly- The m!re land in #!ssessi!n !, a +in$( "he m!re !, a +in$ he is- I ill #re#are mysel, ,!r ba""le and "a+e "his land B Bui*+Wheres the beef? Why6 2id s!me!ne "a+e my bee,6 Was i" "h!se Bui*+-i"es6 1erha#s bee, is a "y#e !, *urren*y ,!r "hem- They *ame( s"!le my bee, "! $a"her "heir ,!r"unes( and are n! #re#arin$ "! enlar$e "heir armies( !.er"a+e Eru+( and a""em#" "! de,ea" 4il$amesh- I had be""er $e" !n i" ri$h" a ay- Where are my b!!"s6 2ardon me. /o yo$ have any 7rey 2o$pon? Y!u seem .ery *!n*erned i"h ha" "he $rea" 4il$amesh has in his #!ssessi!n- I ha.e n! idea ha" a #!u#!n is- Bu"( sin*e a +in$ ! ns e.ery"hin$ i"hin "he alls !, his realm( i, "here is a sin$le $rey #!u#!n runnin$ ar!und "here( i" is m!s" *er"ainly his-

9eyB 9ow abo$t a nice 9awaiian 2$nch? I, I am n!" mis"a+en( y!u ha.e /us" *hallen$ed "he #! er,ul 4il$amesh "! a ,i$h"- 1erha#s y!u ha.e n!" heard "he name 4il$amesh n!r heard "ales !, his ba""les AI ad.ise y!u "! *he*+ !u" "he *!!l s"!ries !n "h!se la#is la<uli "able"s I men"i!ned earlierD- F!r i, y!u had heard !, my ba""les( y!u !uld m!s" *er"ainly "remble a" my ,ee" and =ui.er a" "he mere si$h" !, my shad! - My $uess is y!u are n!" ,r!m ar!und here- 1erha#s y!u are ,r!m "he land !, Bui*+- 1erha#s "ha" is hy y!u are as+in$ me all !, "hese =ues"i!ns ab!u" my #!ssessi!ns- Are y!u here "! s i#e m!re bee,6 .an yo$ hear me now? Ah( y!u are *learly *!min$ "! y!ur senses- Y!u ha.e run and hid y!ursel,( !nderin$ i, "he $rea" 4il$amesh *an hear y!ur "iny him#ers- Yes( s*aredy-*a"( I *an hear y!u n! Is it Cive or is it )emoreH? Is "his y!ur res#!nse "! my "aun"s6 Y!u brin$ in sim#le #r!7ies B bi$$er men "han y!ursel, "! d! ba""le ,!r y!u6 Ha.e y!u n!" heard "ales !, my $rea" ba""le i"h "he ,er!*i!us dem!n( Humbaba "he Terrible( 4uardian !, "he Cedar F!res"6 My $!!d ,riend En+idu and I ,a*ed d! n "his h!rri,i* dem!n As!me say I as ,ri$h"ened !, "he dem!n and hid- Really( I "h!u$h" I had l!s" my alle" in "he ,!res" and as sear*hin$ ,!r i" be,!re s!me dem!n s"!le i"- H!nes"ly-D Any ay( "he ba""le la"es" many h!ursIn "he end I had Humbaba !n his +nees i"h my s !rd a" his "hr!a"- En+idu an"ed me "! l!# his head !,,- I as *!n*erned ab!u" $e""in$ bl!!d !n my brand ne b!!"s- We ar$ued a bi"KOh( here as I- Yes - I ill "a+e !n y!ur lar$es" *!m#e"i"!rs B )i.e !r Mem!re7- )e" me l!!+ "hem in "he eye and *ause "heir br! s "! =ua+e- I, I ha.e "! I ill( as y!u say( 8li*+( r!ll and #!#9 "hem9ave yo$ had yo$r break today? 2! y!u really an" "! +n! 6 )e" me "ell y!u h! I ill "a+e my 8brea+9 B I ill brea+ ea*h and e.ery !ne !, y!ur arri!rs in hal, B ,irs" y!ur )i.e( "hen y!ur Mem!re7- F!ll! in$ "ha"( I ill *a#"ure a $rey #!u#!n and ride i" "! y!ur +in$d!m !, Bui*+ here I ill ha aiian #un*h y!ur T!!"sie and $a"her all !, y!ur .ir$ins and "a+e all !, my bee, ba*+- I ill "hen re"urn( .i*"!ri!us "! Eru+ here I ill( !n*e a$ain( be h!n!red as "he her! "ha" I am- Finally( I ill $e" !u" my li""le *ar.in$ +i" and *ar.e "his s"!ry

in"! "he la#is la<uli "able"s a" "he ,r!n" $a"e- I" "a+es a deli*a"e hand( bu" is ell !r"h "he e,,!r"A1ublished !n )c+weeneys ebsi"e B %&&SD

%erris Bueller %ills in for "he +ew York "i es MagaCine's "he 0thicist %t my place of work several employees m$st share comp$ters. #he other day I got on the comp$ter after one of my co"workers. 9e left a screen $p with his email, and I noticed that he had been sending o$t emails with his res$me attached. I *$ickly closed his email window and tried to forget it. '$t, we are both working on a big pro&ect and it wo$ld be important for me to know if he is planning to leave or not, his early absence co$ld affect the o$tcome. +ho$ld I say something to him? An!nym!us( B!ulder( C!l!rad! The e"hi*al "hin$ "! d! !uld be "! #re"end "ha" y!u didn@" see any"hin$ and *!n"inue !n i"h y!ur #r!/e*"- Then a$ain( y!u *!uld al ays "ry "he sli$h"ly less e"hi*al a##r!a*h and #ull u# his a**!un" a$ain- Then y!u *!uld send-!,, emails "! all !, his #!"en"ial em#l!yers i"h a messa$e su*h as0 8S!rry( I as drun+ hen I sen" y!u my resume- I as u#se" a" my *urren" b!ss and ins"ead !, le""in$ "he air !u" !, all !, his "ires( I send !,, resumes "! #la*es I d!n@" really an" "! !r+ a"-9 Wh! +n! s( y!u may be d!in$ him a ,a.!r- And by "he ay( did y!u +n! "ha" i"h !nly a li""le bi" !, +n! led$e !, *!m#u"ers and a ,e ha*+in$ "ri*+s( y!u *an $! in"! y!ur hi$h s*h!!l@s *!m#u"er sys"em and *han$e y!ur $rades6 Y!u sh!uld $i.e i" a "ryI recently took a new &ob in the administrative offices of state $niversity. When I was hired I was not informed of a seH$al harassment policy. ,ow, as a woman, Ive eHperienced seH$al harassment several times in vario$s &obs. I have never left a position d$e to this, b$t I am nervo$s abo$t being made $ncomfortable again. I am also nervo$s to address this to my

new s$pervisor beca$se I dont want to start off on the wrong foot. What sho$ld I do? An!nym!us( address i"hheld Well( "he sim#le ans er is "! a.!id $!in$ "! y!ur su#er.is!r and $! "! "he human res!ur*e de#ar"men" !, "he s*h!!l- Y!u sh!uld be able "! as+ s!me!ne "here "! l!!+ u# "he s*h!!l@s se7ual harassmen" #!li*y- And( hile y!u are a" i"( as+ "hem ha" "he si*+-"ime #!li*y is- This ay( y!u *an #lan ahead ,!r "h!se ,irs" beau"i,ul days !, s#rin$ hen "he las" #la*e y!u sh!uld be is a" an !,,i*e des+ all day l!n$- I, i" "urns !u" "ha" y!u need a d!*"!r@s n!"e ,!r "ime !,,( s*hedule a re$ular *he*+-u# i"h y!ur d!*"!rThen( hile y!u are si""in$ in his !,,i*e ai"in$ ,!r him "! e7amine y!u( $rab !ne !, his n!"e-#ads B "here y!u $! B ready made "ime-!,,- Or( i, y!u ,ind y!u are si""in$ a" y!ur des+ and are i"*hin$ "! be ,ree ,!r "he res" !, "he day( $rab "he en.el!#e m!is"ener and rub i" !n y!ur ,!rehead and #alms- Then $! "ell y!ur su#er.is!r y!u aren@" ,eelin$ ell- Ma+e "hem "!u*h y!ur head i, "hey seem s+e#"i*al- Remember B "he =ues"i!n isn@" 8 ha" y!u are $!in$ "! d! i"h a ,a+e day-!,, ,r!m !r+9( i"@s 8 ha" aren@" y!u $!in$ "! d!69 I am a political science ma&or and a senior in college. I hope to r$n for office someday. Well, my ho$se"mate gets dr$nk every weekend and hits on my girlfriends. 9es done this for years. What I want to do is get him dr$nk and take him for a long ride in my car to some secl$ded place in the woods. I want to hit him over the head with a two"by"fo$r, tie him to the b$mper of the car and drag him along a dirt road for a few miles, then leave him there to walk home. '$t, Im afraid I wont get away with it, and it will r$in my political f$t$re. What sho$ld I do? Ral#h >rens+y( Wi*hi"a( >ansas Y!u +n! ( I *!uld $i.e y!u s!me e"hi*al ad.i*e ab!u" "he na"ure !, re.en$e( #erha#s e.en s!me his"!ri*al ane*d!"es ab!u" #!li"i*al ,i$ures h! ha.e *r!ssed s!me e"hi*al b!undaries in "heir #as"- I *!uld e.en "!ss in s!me mild /!+es ab!u" #ubli* dis"rus" in #!li"i*ians- Bu" I !n@"- The bes" ans er is "!! easy( Ral#h- Wha" y!u need "! d! is ,ind s!me ,!rm !, re.en$e "ha" y!u !n@" $e" *au$h" d!in$( bu" ill ma+e y!u ,eel e7"remely $!!d a,"er ard- I *an $i.e y!u a ,e su$$es"i!ns "! $e" y!u s"ar"ed0 "ry #la*in$ a $!!d d!ll!# !, Vaseline !n "he ear#ie*e !, his #h!ne- Or( i, he@s !ne !, "h!se $uys h! si"s !n "he "!ile" sea" hen he $!es "! "he ba"hr!!m in "he middle !, "he ni$h" B

du*"-"a#e "he "!ile" sea" "! "he "!ile" lid s! he@ll si" ri$h" in "he "!ile"- Y!u *!uld als! e7*han$e all !, "he d!!r+n!bs i"h ne !nes hen he@s !u" !ne ni$h" s! his +eys !n@" !r+- O, *!urse( y!u *!uld als! $! i"h "he *lassi* hand-in- arm-"ub-!,- a"erhile-he@s-slee#in$-"ri*+( s! he@ll e" his #an"s- 4!!d ,un isn@" $!!d i, i" d!esn@" ma+e y!u ,eel $!!d( Ral#hSend y!ur =ueries "! bueller-e"hi*is"Vny"imes-*!m !r Bueller( The E"hi*is"( The Ne Y!r+ Times Ma$a<ine( %%' Wes" CIrd S"ree"( Ne Y!r+( N-Y- H&&IS( and in*lude a day"ime #h!ne---Y!u@re s"ill here6 The *!lumn is !.er- Y!u *an "urn "he #a$e n! K A1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&SD

Master/iece "heater Presents: Charles !ickens' Bleak House= #tarring the (re lins 9ost5 Wel*!me "! an!"her e.enin$ !, Mas"er#ie*e Thea"erT!ni$h"( e ha.e a s#e*ial e.en" B an ada#"a"i!n !, "he *lassi* n!.el Blea+ H!use by Charles 2i*+ens- Blea+ H!use is a "ale !, "he absurdi"ies !, En$lish la in "he HQJ&@sU s!me"hin$ hi*h 2i*+ens +ne ell ,r!m his !r+ as a la *ler+- Many *!nsider Blea+ H!use "! be !ne !, 2i*+ens@ bes" n!.els- T!ni$h"( "h!u$h( e ha.e an added "rea"- This .ersi!n !, "he En$lish *lassi* ill be #!r"rayed by "he 4remlins ,r!m "he H'QC m!"i!n #i*"ure named a,"er "hem- We h!#e y!u en/!yKS*ene !#ens !n a h!rse h!!, landin$ in a muddy #uddle- The *amera #ans u# and #ulls ba*+- I" is a rainy( ,!$$y( and yes blea+( N!.ember day in HQJ&@s )!nd!n- We see ,il"hy d!$s #ullin$ a" heels !, e" bread( hile "hr!n$s !, #e!#le s*ramble and bum# in"! ea*h !"her as "hey ma+e "heir ay #as" dimly li" s"!re-,r!n"s and buildin$s- Thr!u$h "he dan+( *!ld sli"s !, dayli$h" e see "hi*+ s!!"y sm!+e bell! in$ !u" !, "he *himneys !, .ari!us buildin$s- The *amera ma+es i"s ay "! "he ide s"!ne s"e#s !, an !b.i!usly im#!r"an" buildin$- We see a s!!" s"ained #ie*e !, s"!ne i"h "he !rds )in*!ln@s Inn Hall !n i"The *amera m!.es "hr!u$h "he en"ran*e( d! n dimly li" halls "! a #air !, d!!rs "ha" s in$ !#en- We are inside a #a*+ed *!ur"

r!!m- The *amera lands !n s!me!ne si""in$ a" "he ben*h- We <!!m in and ,!*us !n his $rim As*aly and re#"ilianD ,a*e i"h a lan$uid e7#ressi!n !, b!red!m and e7haus"i!n !n i"- The ba*+$r!und musi* s ells "! a *res*end!- We are l!!+in$ a" "he )!rd Hi$h Chan*ell!rCord 9igh .hancellor5 AArr$$h; S##a"""; Thii#"; The )!rd Hi$h Chan*ell!r #i*+s u# a shee" !, #a#er "hr! s i" in his m!u"h and mas"i*a"es i" i"h ide bi"es( "hen s#i"s i" a*r!ss "he r!!m here i" lands s=uarely !n "he ,!rehead !, Mr- Tan$le)r. #angle5 Haa$; 1hhhi"( ,ran$laan$; Mr- Tan$le s"ands u#( #i*+s u# his *hair( and "hr! s i" in "he dire*"i!n !, "he )!rd Hi$h Chan*ell!r- The Chan*ell!r du*+sThe *hair +n!*+s !.er "hree la *ler+s#he Cord 9igh .hancellor5 Heh-heh-heh-heh; Suddenly a b!""le !, in+ lands !n "he ba*+ !, "he )!rd Hi$h Chan*ell!r@s head and e7#l!des( *!.erin$ him in bla*+ in+- He "urns and hi#s a "hi*+ la b!!+ in "he $eneral dire*"i!n "ha" "he b!""le *ame ,r!mWi"hin se*!nds all !, "he *hara*"ers are "hr! in$ any"hin$ n!" nailed d! n- A 4remlin( h! is earin$ $!bs !, "hi*+ ma+e-u# !n his ,a*e "! ma+e him l!!+ li+e a lady( "a+es !,, his ma""ed i$( li$h"s i" !n ,ire i"h a li$h"er( and "hr! s i" a*r!ss "he r!!m- A *!u#le !, 4remlins run !u"side( $rab hand,uls !, mud( re"urn "! "he *ha!"i* *!ur"r!!m and s"ar" "hr! in$ i" in"! "he meleeS*ene ends0 "he ba*+dr!#( n! *!.ered in mud and in+( li,"s u# =ui*+ly re.ealin$ bri$h" s#!"li$h"s "ha" ,ill "he s"a$e i"h li$h"- All !, "he 4remlins s*ream in #ain( run !,, s"a$e9ost5 Well( "ha" as in.i$!ra"in$- 1lease "une in "!m!rr! ni$h" hen e ill re"urn "! Blea+ H!use in !ur se*!nd ins"allmen"- In "his se$men"( e ill mee" )ady 2edl!*+( Sir )ei*es"er 2edl!*+( and Es"her Summers!n- As ell( e ill mee" >r!!+( #!r"rayed by "he in,am!us 4remlin( S"ri#e( h!( as readers !, "his .enerable *lassi* +n! ( ill s#!n"ane!usly *!mbus"- 4!!d e.enin$-

A1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&SD

Language AcDuisition and 8Poo/ie9 The ay "ha" human bein$s a*=uire "he abili"y "! unders"and and use lan$ua$e is a h!"ly *!n"es"ed s*ien"i,i* =ues"i!n- O,"en "he .ari!us "he!ries ha.e ,allen !n ei"her side !, "he usual na"ureFnur"ure di.ide0 are human bein$s b!rn i"h a buil"-in *a#abili"y "! use lan$ua$e6 Or( d! e learn m!s" !, !ur lan$ua$e use "hr!u$h in"era*"i!ns i"h #aren"s and !"her #e!#le6 N!am Ch!ms+y( ar$uin$ ,!r "he 8na"ure9 end !, "he ans er( belie.es e are b!rn #!ssessin$ a lan$ua$e a*=uisi"i!n de.i*e A)A2DU a #ar" !, "he brain "ha" *!n"ains m!s" !, "he ma/!r #rin*i#les !, lan$ua$e- On "he nur"ure-end !, "he s#e*"rum( S!*ial-In"era*"i!nis" Ca"herine Sn! *laims "ha" lan$ua$e is alm!s" en"irely en"rus"ed !n adul"-in"era*"i!nThe #r!,!und "ensi!n be" een "hese " ! *lassi* res#!nses "! human de.el!#men" !**urred "! me as my " !-year-!ld s!n( Will( de*lared !ne day0 8#!!#ie( #!!#ie( #!!#ie9- N! ( I am =ui"e sure "ha" my i,e and I had n!" u""ered "his !rd in his #resen*e- Bu"( I als! re*alled hearin$ "his .ery same !rd( and i"s .ari!us deri.a"i.es A8#!!#9( 8#!!-#!!9( 8#!!#ie-d!!#ie9( and s"rai$h"-,!r ard 8#!!9D( ,r!m !"her *hildren "ha" I@.e in"era*"ed i"h durin$ my li,e- In ,a*"( I *!uld sa,ely say "ha" I@.e heard "his !rd used by nearly e.ery sin$le *hild I ha.e +n! n- I be$an "! !nder0 did my s!n 8a*=uire9 "his !rd ,r!m in"era*"i!n i"h !"hers6 Or( as "his !rd hard- ired in"! his brainU did 8#!!#ie9 *!me ,r!m "he lan$ua$e a*=uisi"i!n de.i*e in his brain6 My in.es"i$a"i!n in"! "his =ues"i!n be$an i"h a #h!ne-*all "! e.ery #aren" !, e.ery *hild Will in"era*"s i"h !n a re$ular basisA" ,irs"( I sim#ly as+ed "hem( 8d!es y!ur *hild say W#!!#ie@69 Bu"( I ,!und "ha" "his sim#le =ues"i!n d!es n!" really $e" a" "he main =ues"i!n I as "ryin$ "! ans er- I had "! s i"*h "he =ues"i!n "!0 8did y!ur *hild "ea*h my s!n 8#!!#9( 8#!!-#!!9( 8#!!#ie-d!!#ie9( !r 8#!!969 Sadly( I *an n!" en"irely rule !u" "he s!*ial-in"era*"i!n "he!ry as an e7#lana"i!n ,!r my s!n@s learnin$ "his !rd be*ause many #aren"s sim#ly hun$-u# !n me- Bu"( !, "h!se h! did

en$a$e i"h me in "his s*ien"i,i* in=uiry( all ans ered i"h s!me .ersi!n !, 8n!9 A8n!#e9( 8!, *!urse n!"9( 8are y!u *ra<y69( 8lea.e me "he hell al!ne9( 8d!n@" e.er le" me see y!u( y!ur *hild !r any!ne ,r!m y!ur ,amily near my s!nFdau$h"er( a$ain9DS!( I "urned "! na"ure "he!ries "! ans er my =ues"i!n- This #r!.ed "! be a bi" m!re di,,i*ul"- I de*ided( sin*e I *!uld n!" AI am sad "! sayD $! ba*+ in "ime and ma+e my s!n a ,eral *hild h! li.es i"h !l.es and has n! in"era*"i!n i"h human bein$sI de*ided( h! e.er( "! d! "he ne7" bes" "hin$0 I *!ns"ru*"ed a *!m#le"ely sa,e and sel,-*arin$ en.ir!nmen" in his r!!m- I #u" his bed !n "he ,l!!r( $a.e him a ,!!d dis#enser "ha" dis#ensed raisins( y!$ur"( and Fi$-Ne "!ns as needed( as ell as " ! d!<en a"er-,illed si##y *u#s- He as als! su##lied i"h e.ery sin$le "!y he ! nsA" ,irs"( I le," him in his sa,e-r!!m ,!r "hree h!urs i"h!u" any *!n"a*" i"h mysel, !r his m!"her- When I !#ened "he d!!r( he s"e##ed !u" and de*lared( 81!!#;9 ra"her "rium#han"lyU I "hen u##ed-"he-an"e by lea.in$ him in "here ,!r si7 h!urs i"h!u" human in"era*"i!n- When he *ame !u"( I "h!u$h" I had made a brea+-"hr!u$h hen he as+ed "! be 8#i*+-a-u#9 and !ndered i, Sesame S"ree" as !n- Bu"( "en minu"es la"er( he as #ullin$ !n !ur d!$@s "ail and *allin$ !u" 8#!!#y-"ail( #!!#y d!$$y9- I de*ided "ha" i" as h!#eless ,!r me "! #r!.e !r dis#r!.e "he na"ure ans er "! my =ues"i!nIn "he end( I@.e de*ided "! ,!ll! a *!m#le"ely di,,eren" "ra*+- I n! sus#e*" "ha" 8#!!#ie9 may ha.e n!"hin$ "! d! i"h lan$ua$e a*=uisi"i!n a" all- In ,a*"( I am ,airly *er"ain "ha" i" may a*"ually be a .irus- The #r!!, !, "his is es"ablished by "he ,a*" "ha" "his !rd has n! a""a*hed i"sel, "! !"her !rds( e,,e*"i.ely re#li*a"in$ i"sel,- N!" a day has $!ne by "ha" my s!n has n!" u""ered a" leas" !ne !rd i"h!u" 8#!!#ie9 lee*hin$ !,, !, i"0 8#!!#ie-head9( 8#!!#ie-heli*!#"er9( 8#!!#ie-daddy9( e"*- My #lan( a" "his #!in"( is "! *!n,irm "his "he!ry- And( i, I am *!rre*"( I ill be$in "! !r+ !n a #r!#er res#!nse "! "he .irus0 a 8#!!#ie-.a**ine9A1ublished !n #he +cience .reative A$arterly ebsi"e B %&&SD

Magician !oug Henning Has #o ething on His Mind The Illusi!nis"- The 1res"i$e- G!na"han S"ran$e and Mr- N!rrellThis sudden ,l!!d !, 8ma$i*ian9 m!.ies and b!!+s !uld lead !ne "! "hin+ "ha" ma$i*ians !nly e7is"ed be,!re !ur m!dern "imes- Sure( "here ere ha*+ ma$i*ians ba*+ in "he "ime !, H!udini( bu" ha" ab!u" "he $l!ri!us H'L&@s and H'Q&@s B a "ime hen ma$i* as a man@s s#!r"- We didn@" s"and ar!und in ar"sy,ar"sy sui"s and use ,limsy mirr!rs "! d! !ur "ri*+s- N!( e used real "i$ers and really hu$e "an+s !, a"er- We had "he *!/!nes "! al+ ar!und in s+in-"i$h" rainb! -*!l!red b!dysui"s- We had l!n$ manes !, hi##y hair and hu$e manly m!us"a*hes "ha" barely hid !ur bu*+-"ee"h- Th!se !ld-,!$ey H'"h *en"ury ma$i*ians had "iny s"a$es "! d! "heir #arl!r "ri*+s !n- I had "ele.isi!n( baby; Bri$h" li$h"s and mul"i#le *ameras- I as in #e!#le@s ,ri$$in@ h!mes B by "he milli!ns- Try "ha" Mr- S"ran$eN!rrell- Y!u@d #r!bably *ry and e" y!u #an"s +n! in$ "ha" hal, !, Ameri*a as a"*hin$ y!u ris+ y!ur li,e- )a"e %&"h *en"ury ma$i*ians B e had $ame- Y!u +n! ( I may ha.e been "!ld "ha" I l!!+ed li+e a re/e*" ,r!m H-R- 1u,,ens"u,,( bu" a" leas" I had "he balls "! *hain mysel, u# and nearly dr! n in a "an+ !, a"er in #rime "ime- The beau"y !, i" all as "ha" Mr- and Mrs- Middle Ameri*a ere h!#in$ "he ,rea+in@ hi##y !uld dr! n !n "ele.isi!n- And( y!u +n! ha"6 I didn@"- I as a "es"im!ny "! "he ,a*" "ha" "he !#en-hear"ed( bleedin$-liberal( l!.e-*hildren ere "he real "!u$h $uys- O+ay( !+ay( in re"r!s#e*" I may ha.e l!s" a bi" !, s"ree"-*red hen I de*ided "! run ,!r Canadian #arliamen" as a *andida"e !, "he Na"ural )a 1ar"y and l!s" AI *er"ainly "h!u$h" my *am#ai$n sl!$an as brillian"0 NI, I *an ma+e an ele#han" disa##ear( I *an ma+e "he de,i*i" disa##ear-NDCan I hel# i" i, "he res" !, y!u ere s! ,ar behind my ,!r ard "hin+in$6 Any ay( I di$ress- The 1res"i$e6 2!es "ha" s!und any here near as *a#"i.a"in$ as 82!u$ Hennin$@s Ama<in$ H!ur !, In*redible Ma$i*96 G!na"han S"ran$e and Mr- N!rrell6 I" s!unds li+e a *ree#y la ,irm- And( The Illusi!nis"6 Wha" a im#y name ,!r a ma$i*ian- Is Ed ard N!r"!n a,raid "! $! by his real name6 I didn@"- I as 2OE4 HENNIN4- E.ery!ne +ne my name B 2OE4 HENNIN4; 2OE40 a man@s man@s name- 8Hey( 2OE4( ha"@s u#69 8Y!( 2OE4( anna $! s+ydi.in$ !r res"le s!me alli$a"!rs69 82OE4 d! y!u an" $! ,ind "ha" 1aul S+ane ,r!m

/uni!r hi$h s*h!!l and $i.e HIM a ed$ie ,!r *allin$ y!u a bu*+"!!"hed #ansy;9 Y!u be" I d! B and "hen I@ll dun+ him in a "an+ ,ull !, "i$ers and see i, he *an disa##ear be,!re bein$ mauled "! dea"h- 4! 2OE4; A1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&SD

"oda$'s AA #/eaker: Mr? "o &aits 2)f Mr? &aits )s Actuall$ Like the Peo/le He &rites #ongs About7 Hell!( I@m T!m- I am a #ar"ial al*!h!li* - #ar"ial "! "he his+ey Mi*+ey Ni*+els *!n*!*"ed in his basemen" s"ill- I did m!s" !, my hard drin+in$ hile li.in$ i"h Mi*+ey in Ren! - a dus"y #la*e ,ull !, l!!se *ash( l!!se *riminals( and l!!se !men - my +ind !, "! n- I sh!uld ha.e +n! n n!" "! mi7 his+ey and h!!+ersHer name as R!sie- She ,!und me a" Har.ey@s )a"e-Ni$h" 2iner B here "he e$$s are $reasy en!u$h "! lube "he *arbure"!r !, y!ur ,a"her@s )in*!ln- R!sie leaned "! ard me a" "he *!un"er and said( 8I #re,er my ba*!n as *ris#y as a brand ne P%& d!llar bill and my e$$s !.er-easy li+e I an" y!u9- I as !u" !, my sea" be,!re "he hea" *ame !,, my *!,,eeThis be$an a l!n$ al*!h!li* r!man*e- Ea*h day I@d #lay "hree*ard M!n"e in "he alley( r!llin$ su*+ers ,!r e7"ra *ash- Then R!sie !uld r!ll me !.er a" her #la*e- The day she l!s" "h!se #as"ies and $-s"rin$ in her $rimy a#ar"men" as "he day I ,!und reli$i!n- Then I ,!und *hea# b!urb!n- Then R!sie ,!und me in "he alley( ne*+"ie ar!und my head( "al+in$ "! "he "rash *ans- She s"!m#ed !n my hear" li+e a barrel ,ull !, $ra#es( and "hen le," me and a b!""le !, *hea# ine "! ,ind !ur ay h!meI "ried "! =ui" !n my ! n a,"er "ha"- I sm!+ed a l!" !, Camels - s! mu*h i" made my "hr!a" h!arse- I s!!"hed i" i"h a b!""le !, "e=uila B ,!ur"een b!""les( a*"ually( and a ,!ur"een day bender- I barely remember "ha" las" Sa"urday ni$h"- I *ruised "he s"ree"s in my !ld Oldsm!bile( a"*hin$ "he s"ree"-li$h"s $leam li+e diam!nds !n "he indshield A"e=uila ma+es y!u hallu*ina"eD- I *ame-"!( #ar+ed !n s!me!ne@s la n( my head #!undin$ li+e a ham-,is"ed #ian! #layer-

I en" "! ,ind R!sie- I ,!und her i"h her ne b!y,riend( Mi*+ey Ni*+els( h! had #!*+e"s ,ull !, *ash ,r!m his+ey sales- He and my s ee" R!sie "!ssed !u" d!llar bills "! "he dereli*"s and .a$ran"s li+e he as "he >in$ !, Si7"h A.enue- Sure my #!r+-#ie ha" as dus"y and my *!a" had m!re #a"*hes "han "he "ire@s !n my un*le@s !ld C!u#e 2e.ille( bu" I +ne I@d hi" b!""!m hen R!sie "!ssed me a ,i.er li+e I as s!me +ind !, $in-eyed h!b!- I" as "hen "ha" I reali<ed "ha" I as a $in-eyed h!b!- I didn@" drin+ a$ainMy ,inal !rds "! y!u are0 remember "! >ee# I" Sim#le( li.e One 2ay a" a Time( and m!s" im#!r"an"ly "! )e" 4! and )e" 4!d - bu" d!n@" le" y!ur " !-bi" l!ser b!!"le$$in$ buddy any here near y!ur dus"y !ld h!!+er $irl,riendA1ublished !n )c+weeneys ebsi"e B %&&LD

All ) Reall$ +eed to >now ) Learned fro >indergarten Co/ /r$g /ealers 9ave .ool ,ames5 >inder$ar"en C!# is ab!u" a *!#( G!hn >imble A#layed by Arn!ld S*h ar<ene$$erD( h! is !u" "! #r!se*u"e a dru$ dealer named Cullen Cris#- 8Cullen Cris#90 .ery *!!l name- 8G!hn >imble90 n!" s! *!!l- I de*ide "ha" I need "! see+ !u" a *!!ler name- I d!n@" really an" "! sell dru$s A"h!u$h I *!nsider sellin$ my s"ash !, Bayer as#irinDIns"ead I sim#ly *!-!#" "he name !, "he .illain ,r!m >inder$ar"en C!#- My ne name is A##le Cris#- I" #!si"i.ely ree+s !, *!!lness)ove to %storia5 A bul+ !, "his ,ilm( i, n!" e.ery ,rame !, i"( is ,ilmed in a #la*e *alled As"!ria- I ha.e n! idea here As"!ria isI $uess i"@s s!me here in Cali,!rnia sin*e Mr- S*h ar<ene$$er is #residen" !r s!me"hin$ "here- As"!ria seems "! be an idylli* #la*e "! li.e- There is a l!" !, a,,luen*e - e.ery!ne seems "! be $i,"ed i"h a lu7ury *ar su*h as a )e7us !r an SEV- I "!ld my nei$hb!r I as $!in$ "! m!.e "! As"!ria and he "!ld me "! $e" !u" !, his ,u*+in$ *l!"hes *l!se"-

3ighting .rime is a 7reat Way to +ee #he World5 G!hn >imble is a Ne Y!r+ Ci"y *!#- He $e"s "! "ra.el "! "he Wes" C!as"- N!" !nly "ha" bu" he $e"s "! be a +inder$ar"en "ea*her- I" is de*ided0 I ill m!.e "! As"!ria and ,i$h" *rime in my s#are "ime( +ind !, li+e a su#er-her!- 8)!!+ u# in "he s+y( i"@s a bird( i"@s a #laneKi"@s A##le Cris#;9 This means I need a *!s"ume- I re"urn "! my nei$hb!r@s *l!"hes *l!se" and ,ind a bri$h"ly *!l!red #!n*h! and a baseball *a# "ha" says 82!d$e9 !n i"- I ill 8d!d$e9 "hin$s li+e bulle"s( *riminals( and "ra,,i* *!nes- My !u",i" is *!m#le"e7et a +idekick5 G!hn >imble $e"s "! +n! !ne !, his +inder$ar"en s"uden"s .ery ell- The s"uden" says *u"e "hin$s and is ins"rumen"al in sa.in$ "he day- This #r!m#"s me "! see+ !u" a side+i*+- I $! ar!und "! all !, my nei$hb!rs and as+ "hem i, any !, "heir *hildren !uld li+e "! hel# me ,i$h" *rime in As"!ria- I d!n@" $e" any "a+ers- 1erha#s my mul"i-*!l!red #!n*h!( 2!d$e ha"( and Saran-Wra# mas+ AI added "ha" "! #r!"e*" my iden"i"yD in"imida"ed "hem- I "ry a h!meless shel"er "! see i, any!ne "here an"s "! be my side+i*+- I ha.e /us" ab!u" *!n.in*ed a man named Mi*+ey hen "he #!li*e *!me- I d! mana$e "! sell Mi*+ey a ba$$ie !, as#irin be,!re es*a#in$ !u" "he ba*+d!!r- 4! A##le Cris#; '$lk":p5 Mr- S*h ar<ene$$er is a ,airly bu,, $uy- He as a *ir*us s"r!n$-man a" !ne "ime I "hin+- I be$in a re$ime !, ea"in$ hu$e brea+,as"s and #um#in$ ir!n all m!rnin$- En,!r"una"ely( "his re$ime is br!+en u# hen my nei$hb!r insis"s I s"!# ea"in$ his ,!!d in my under ear and "! #lease h!n!r "he res"rainin$ !rder !r he@ll *all "he #!li*e+eek 1$t +erendipity5 In "he end( a,"er he *a"*hes "he *riminal and reali<es h! mu*h ,un he had in his #re"end /!b( G!hn >imble de*ides "! s"ay !n as a +inder$ar"en "ea*her- When I am e.i*"ed ,r!m my a#ar"men" ,!r harassin$ my nei$hb!rs and n!" #ayin$ ren" ,!r a ,e m!n"hs( I de*ide "ha" I ill be$in my li,e as a su#er-her!- O, *!urse I need s!me"hin$ "! ,i$h" ,!r- This is a bi" !, a serendi#i"!us n!-brainer - I ill ,i$h" ,!r "he h!meless- I d!n my A##le Cris# *!s"ume and l!!+ u# my ne side+i*+( Mi*+ey- We brea+ in"! my ,!rmer nei$hb!r@s a#ar"men" and ,ill i" i"h as many h!meless #e!#le as e *an ,i"A##le Cris# Aand Mi*+eyD s"ri+es a$ain;

A1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&LD

"he (u

$ Bear #urvival (uide

4ummy Bears an" "! +ill y!u- I"@s "rue- Sure "h!se *u"e li""le *!n,e*"i!nary m!rsels a##ear "! be harmless and e.en =ui"e "as"y- Bu" d!n@" be lured in"! a "ummy-,illed *!ma"!se s"u#!rThese bears are ,er!*i!us( sin$le-minded +illers- I( "!!( as !n*e *!a7ed by "heir seemin$ly deli*i!us a##earan*e- I b!u$h" ba$ a,"er ba$ !, "he em#"y-eyed inn!*u!us-l!!+in$ bears- Bu" s!!n I n!"i*ed s!me s"ran$e !**urren*es- F!r ins"an*e( hen I b!u$h" !ne ba$ !, 4ummy Bears a" S"!# and Sh!#( I re"urned h!me "! ,ind ei$h" ba$s am!n$s" my $r!*eries- Then( n! ma""er h! many I a"e( "he ni*e blue *erami* b! l I +e#" "hem in as al ays *!m#le"ely ,illed- I mean( I a"e a" leas" ,!ur "! si7 *ereal b! ls ,ull in "he m!rnin$ al!ne- They +n! h! "! re#li*a"e- N! I *an@" ,ind my *a"- The !b.i!us sus#e*"6 The 4ummy Bears- I ha.e be*!me *!n.in*ed "ha" 4ummy Bears ha.e a #lan "! n!" !nly ea" !ur *a"s( bu" "! !.er-"hr! "he human ra*e- And( a,"er e7haus"i.e( me"i*ul!us resear*h I ha.e *!me u# i"h a res#!nse- Bu" I need y!ur hel#- Here is a mini-$uide !n h! "! sur.i.e and #erha#s s"!# "he ,ull !nslau$h" !, 4ummy Bear h!rdes0 Why are they o$t to get $s? This is a $rea" =ues"i!n- I ha.e " ! "he!ries- One is( sim#ly( "hey are si*+ and "ired !, a"*hin$ us ea" "heir ! n +ind by "he hand,ul- They are si*+ened by !ur $lu""!n!us na"ure- The !"her "he!ry is "ha" "he 4ummy Bear A hi*h !ri$ina"ed in 4ermany in H'%% as "he 4ummibXr B 8rubber bear9D ere a se*re" ea#!n !, Hi"ler as he "ried "! *rea"e a ,lesh-ea"in$ army !, SS *andies9ow will they attack $s? I belie.e "ha" 4ummy Bears are n!" unli+e Venus Fly-Tra#s !r 1i"*her 1lan"s- I" is "heir ama<in$ly brillian" and yummy-l!!+in$ *!l!rs "ha" lure us "! n!" !nly ea" "hem( bu" "! als! #ur*hase "hem by "he b!7-l!ad- Their 4ummyS"ra"e$y has been "! *a"er "! "h!se "ha" ill m!s" easily be "em#"ed "! buy "hem by "he *ase-,ull0 s"!ners and *hildren h! ha.e "heir ! n *redi" *ards- As y!u +n! ( "hese are als! "he

m!s" .ulnerable #e!#le in !ur s!*ie"y- S!( n!" unli+e "he use !, "he Tr!/an h!rse( e ill ha.e *arried "heir armies in"! !ur .ery h!mes- And( a" s!me undis*l!sed "ime "ha" I ha.e n!" ye" been able "! as*er"ain( "hey ill rise-u# and !.er"a+e us B "urnin$ !ur arm ,leshy b!dies in"! #iles !, *rumblin$ b!nesI als! ha.e a #e" "he!ry based !n "he ,a*" "ha" 4ummy Bears are made !, su$ar( $lu*!se syru#( s"ar*h( ,la.!rin$( ,!!d *!l!rin$( $ela"in( andK*i"ri* a*id- Tha"@s a*id( ,!l+s; Gus" re*all "he *rea"ures in Alien and "he a*id in "heir bl!!d - y!u *an see here I am $!in$What can we do? The ima$e !, milli!ns !, "ranslu*en" red( $reen( yell! ( and !ran$e bears s"am#edin$ en-mass a*r!ss "he s"ree"s( h!uses( and malls !, Ameri*a !b.i!usly sends dee# *hills !, ab/e*" "err!r in"! any!ne- Bu" d! n!" ,ear- As di,,i*ul" as i" is "! *!n*ei.e( "he 4ummibXr are .ulnerable- In ,a*" "heir .ulnerabili"y is s! !b.i!us( y!u ill sma*+ y!ur ! n head hen y!u !nder hy y!u didn@" "hin+ !, i" y!ursel,0 Y!u mus" ea" m!re 4ummy Bears- Yes( "he s!ur*e !, "heir m!ns"r!us ra$e is "he s!ur*e !, "heir ! n demise- We mus" u# "he an"e and n!" /us" ea" "hem by "he dele*"able hand,ul( bu" e mus" ea" "hem by "he sh!.el( bu*+e" and lar$e-"r!u$hs-"ha"- e-use-"!-mi7-*emen"-in ,ull- O, *!urse( i, y!u are *!n*erned ab!u" ea"in$ "!! many bears B "ha" y!ur s"!ma*h mi$h" e7#l!de as y!u are sa.in$ humani"y B /us" ea" "heir heads- I" is "he !nly sure ay "! imm!bili<e "hem3inal tho$ghts5 The ar !n@" be easy- We ill be .i*"!ri!usBu"( e.en "hen e *an n!" res"- On*e e ha.e re#elled "he Bear in.asi!n( a,"er e@.e ea"en e.ery las" !ne !, "he 4ummy-H!rdes( e mus" be #re#ared ,!r "he ne7" assaul" B ,!r "here is a 4ummy Allian*e a" !r+ in "he !rld- Yes( +ee# y!ur eyes #eeled ,!r "he 4ummy Fr!$s and "he 4ummy W!rms- A "as"y bu" n!ble ar e mus" all be #re#ared "! ,i$h"A1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&LD

)f Allen (insberg Had &ritten Pa$-Per-Click Ads

AMERICA I@VE 4IVEN YOE A)) AN2 NOW I@M NOTHIN4 Ameri*a " ! d!llars and " en"y se.en *en"s Chea# "i7s "! Eur!#e and "he Far Eas" I WA)>E2 ON THE BAN>S OF THE TINCAN BANANA 2OC> And sa" d! n under "he hu$e shade !, a S!u"hern 1a*i,i* l!*!m!"i.e T! l!!+ a" "he sunse" !.er "he b!7 h!use hills and *ry Try "he !nly all-na"ural 1r!<a* al"erna"i.eMO)OCH; SO)ITE2E; FI)TH; E4)INESS; Ash*ans and un!b"ainable d!llars; Sa.e !n bul+ b!7es !, S i,,ers a" "he Mar+e"#la*eIN MY HEN4RY FATI4EE( AN2 SHO11IN4 FOR IMA4ES( I en" in"! "he ne!n ,rui" su#ermar+e"( dreamin$ !, y!ur enumera"i!ns; Try 1hedra "he "rue slimmin$ al"erna"i.eTHE BEST MIN2S OF MY 4ENERATION des"r!yed by madness( s"ar.in$ hys"eri*al na+ed did y!u say 8na+ed96 Cum see na+ed *hi*+s hereA1ublished !n )c+weeneyIs ebsi"e B %&&QD

Ha//$ Birthda$ fro S ee"ie0 Ha##y bir"hday ,r!m "he year %&%I;

the %uture

I ha.e n!" *han$ed mu*h sin*e %&&Q- I as "he ,irs" !ne !n "he bl!*+ "! $e" an i1h!ne- In %&HH( as y!u3ll ,ind !u"( I ill #re!rder "he 4!!$leC!,,eeMa+er- And "en years a,"er #ayin$ ,!r a .!u*her I am s"ill ai"in$ ,!r my Bla*+ a"er Wa"er Fil"er- I *!uld ha.e #i*+ed y!u u# a blender !r a *!u#le !, r!ses- Ins"ead( I as "he ,irs" in line a" "he l!*al #!s" !,,i*e "! send y!u "his uni=ue $i,"- On*e a $ee+( al ays a $ee+;

Any ay( la s !n sendin$ messa$es "! "he #as" res"ri*" "he number !, ,a*"s ab!u" "he ,u"ure I *an re.eal "! y!u- S! here is !ne0 in %&HQ( e ill buy an An$Burma2!!dle B a $ene"i* hybrid d!$( *a" and rabbi" as a #e"- We ill name i" Har.ey and e ill be abs!lu"ely in l!.e i"h i"; )!.e( 4e!r$e YYY S ee"ie0 Well my bir"hday $i," did n!" $! !.er as ell as I had h!#ed- I !n3" $! in"! de"ail( bu" le"3s /us" say "ha" i" had s!me"hin$ "! d! i"h buyin$ a $i," "ha" y!u ill re*ei.e " en"y-,i.e years earlier ins"ead !, !n y!ur a*"ual bir"hday- We had a bi$ ar$umen" and I3.e been ,!r*ed "! slee# !u" in "he d!*+in$ bay i"h Har.ey- I "h!u$h" I3d send y!u "his le""er hi*h y!u ill ha.e read l!n$ be,!re e $e" in"! "he ar$umen"- 1erha#s by usin$ "his Aas y!u *all i"D Nne -,an$led-"e*hn!-*ra#N i" ill hel# sm!!"h "hin$s !.erI am s!rry)!.e( 4e!r$e YYY S ee"ie0 O+ay( y!u as+ed me "! be m!re s#e*i,i* ab!u" my a#!l!$y0 I am s!rry "ha" I ruined y!ur bir"hday- And( yes( y!u are ri$h" - i" !uld ha.e been m!re hel#,ul and #ra*"i*al "! arn y!u ab!u" W!rld 1la$ue I and II in my ,irs" le""er ins"ead !, "ellin$ y!u ab!u"( as y!u #u" i"( N"ha" #sy*h!"i* ,lea-"ra# Har.eyN- T! use a #hrase ,r!m "he "ime y!u are readin$ "his0 my bad)!.e( 4e!r$e 1-S- d! y!u "hin+ y!u *!uld lea.e "he +eys !u" "! "he H!.erVan ,!r me6 I3m "ired !, ha.in$ "! "humb a ,li$h" "! !r+ e.ery m!rnin$YYY

S ee"ie0 I +n! I3.e s*re ed u# many "imes- I3.e re#ea"edly s#en" all !, !ur sa.in$s !n $ad$e"s and ,ads- I3.e n!" been "he m!s" *!mmuni*a"i.e !, husbands- I +n! "ha" I3.e "es"ed y!ur #a"ien*e !.er and !.er- Bu" i" *an3" be all bad( *an i"6 We3.e s"u*+ i" !u" all !, "hese years- We3.e had s!me ,un "imes- Here is a #re.ie ,!r ins"an*e0 e are $!in$ "! $! "! San 2ie$! ,!r "he W!rld Te*h E7#! %&H&- And( besides daily mi$raines "ha" ill +ee# y!u ,r!m *he*+in$ !u" "he b!!"hs i"h me( e ill ha.e a blas")!.e( 4e!r$e 1-S- I re*ei.ed "he di.!r*e #a#ers "his m!rnin$- Y!ur *laim "ha" e ne.er N*!nsumma"edN !ur marria$e be*ause I as "!! e7haus"ed ,r!m "e7"-messa$in$ is b!"h hur",ul and really !nly #ar"ially "rue YYY 2ear G!y*e0 I d!n3" +n! i, by sendin$ "his le""er I am "e*hni*ally brea+in$ "he res"rainin$ !rder- Bu" I an" "! le" y!u +n! "ha" I ha.e ,inally $!""en "he messa$e- I am be$innin$ "! a**e#" "he ,a*" "ha" !ur "hir"y-,i.e year rela"i!nshi# is *!min$ "! an end- I am sendin$ "his las" le""er ,r!m "he ,u"ure be*ause I an" "! a*"ually "han+ y!u ,!r hel#in$ me learn s!me"hin$ ab!u" mysel,- And e.en "h!u$h di.!r*e is really su*h an e7"reme( I ,eel I ill be a be""er human bein$ be*ause !, "hisSin*erely( 4e!r$e 1-S- I am !nderin$ i, y!u *!uld a" leas" le" me ha.e "he HQ-,!!" r!ll-u# Beryllium 1lasma "ele.isi!n- Hal! %HJ *!mes !u" ne7" ee+A1ublished !n Yan+ee 1!" R!as" ebsi"e B %&&QD

"he Co$otes &ho #o eti es Hang-Out in the &oods +ear %rank #tellgard's Ho e "alk to Hi About "heir Preference in Beer 2#ort of7 Hey( Fran+ B a+e-u#- I"@s us- Y!u +n! ( "he *!y!"es "ha" han$!u" in "he !!ds behind y!ur h!use- 2!n@" #ani*( e +n! y!u@re a bi" drun+( and "his *!uld easily be a beer-indu*ed dream- Or( i" *!uld be real- We als! +n! "ha" y!u "hin+ e s!und li+e a $r!u# !, ,ra" b!ys lau$hin$ ar!und a +e$ hen e@re *ar!usin$ near y!ur h!me- Well( hey( e are 8 ild9 animals( aren@" e6 Tru"h be "!ld( "ha" drun+en ,ra"-b!y "hin$ is *l!ser "! "he "ru"h "han y!u !uld "hin+- Y!u see( "he reas!n "ha" e are in*reasin$ly bein$ seen in suburbs and "! ns is n!" be*ause #e!#le ha.e been *u""in$ d! n ,!res"s "! build m!re h!mes and malls- N!#e( i"@s be*ause !, beer- Tha"@s ri$h"- We l!.e "he s"u,,; We *an@" $e" en!u$h !, i" B 4uinness( Sam Adams( C!r!na( e.en Miller- All i" "!!+ as a "as"e ,r!m hal,,illed *u#s le," a" +e$$ers in "he !!ds( and n! e *an@" $e" en!u$h)e" me "ell y!u hy e are here( Fran+- I"@s be*ause e unders"and y!ur 8si"ua"i!n9- We@.e seen a l!" !, mid-li,e *risis s"u,, be,!re B "h!u$h n!" #ers!nally( !, *!urse- Belie.e i" !r n!"( *!y!"es( hile $enerally a bun*h !, beer-$ul#in$ *arni.!r!us animals( are als! =ui"e ise and #er*e#"i.e- This is hy e *ame "! y!u "!ni$h" and are his#erin$ in y!ur ind! - Ini"ially( e *ame here be*ause e *au$h" s*en" !, "he em#"ies ,r!m "he " ! si7-#a*+s y!u #!lished !,, "!ni$h" A*learly y!u are =ui"e "he li$h"- ei$h" sin*e i" "!!+ !nly si7 beers ,!r y!u "! s"ar" s*reamin$ a" "he la n "ha" y!u are si*+-and-"ired !, m! in$ i" e.ery ,e days- I !nder ha" 2a.e@s 1a.in$ ill "hin+ ab!u" "ha" messa$e y!u le," ,!r "hem "! be a" y!ur h!use a" Q A-M- shar# !r y!u@d *!me d! n "here and sh! "hem ha"@s ha"- I"@s a $!!d "hin$ y!ur i,e and +ids are a ay ,!r "he ee+end B !uldn@" ha.e an"ed "hem "! see y!u in su*h a s"a"eDWell( ini"ially( e ere disa##!in"ed "ha" y!u n!" !nly dran+ b!"h si7-#a*+s( bu" als! li*+ed !u" "he inside !, "he b!""les( "!!- We ere ab!u" "! run !,, "! "he a#ar"men" *!m#le7 a ,e bl!*+s !.er here s!me *!lle$e +ids are s#endin$ "he summer Alas" ee+ "hey ere drun+ en!u$h "! "hin+ e ere nei$hb!rh!!d d!$s and $a.e us beer in d!$-,!!d b! ls- I" as Bud( bu" e l!n$-

a$! de*ided "ha" hen i" *!mes "! ,ree beer( e aren@" $!in$ "! be *h!!seyD- Any ay( e de*ided "! han$-!u" here ,!r a bi" and hel# y!u i"h y!ur dilemma- I "hin+ e ha.e s!me"hin$ im#!r"an" "! im#ar" "! y!uBu" be,!re I 8im#ar"9( le" me e7#lain s!me"hin$- Y!u seem li+e a #re""y smar" $uy( ha" i"h "he $lasses and "he 1rius in "he dri.e ay- 1erha#s( "hen( y!u@.e heard s!me Na"i.e Ameri*an l!re B maybe in a m!.ie !r !n TV- There is "his le$end !, "he C!y!"e-Tri*+s"er- Yes( y!u see( e ha.e .ari!us my"hs and le$ends a""a*hed "! us B in !"her !rds( e *arry s!me seri!us m!/!; T! #u" i" sim#ly( s!me Na"i.e Ameri*an "ribes "hin+ !ur s#iri"s *!me "! "hem and s#ea+ "he "ru"h ab!u" s!me"hin$- I, a *!y!"e *!mes "! y!u in a dream( !r in y!ur *ase a drun+en s"u#!r "ha" d!esn@" really #ass ,!r any"hin$ *l!se "! "rue-slee#( "han y!u sh!uld lis"en- O, *!urse( "he 8"ri*+y9 "hin$ is( e are 8"he "ri*+s"er9( s! ha" e say may a*"ually be "rue( !r i" *!uld be a "ri*+Bu" d!n@" !rry ab!u" "ha" n! U e@ll le" y!u s!r" "ha" !u" hen y!u are a a+e and s!ber in "he m!rnin$Any ay( e +n! ha"@s $!in$ !n in y!ur #sy*he( man- Y!u@re in y!ur ,!r"ies- Y!u ha.e a i,e and " ! +ids- Y!u ha.e ay "!! mu*h deb"- Y!ur ardr!be en" ,r!m *i"y-sli*+ "! *!un"rybum#+in- Y!u ha.e a h!use i"h " ! m!re bedr!!ms "han y!u really need and a "!! bi$ la n- Y!ur +ids e.en ,!und y!ur !ld *!lle*"i!n !, Fan"as"i* F!ur *!mi*s and *!l!red all !.er "hem i"h mar+ers- Y!u ,eel y!u@.e l!s" s!me"hin$- And( y!u@re ,rea+edWe als! +n! "ha" s!me ni$h"s y!u@.e heard us bayin$ !u" in "he m!!nli$h" hile y!u@.e "ried "! slee#- Y!u@.e heard us and "h!u$h" e s!und li+e "he #re.i!usly men"i!ned ,ra"-$uys- And( ins"ead !, "hin+in$ !, "ha" anal!$y and lau$hin$ i" !,,( y!u ,eel /eal!us- Y!u remember all !, "h!se +e$$ers in "he !!ds i"h y!ur buddies- Y!u remember drin+in$ "! e7*ess Ali+e "!ni$h"( i"h!u" all !, "he #sy*h!"i* yellin$ a" "he la nD- Y!u remember "h!se ni$h"s !, sl!bbery $r!#in$ i"h $irls in "he dar+ened !!ds !r in "he ba*+sea" !, y!ur *ar- And n! "ha" y!ur li,e is s! s"aid and #redi*"able - y!u ,ind y!u miss "ha" s"u,,We $e" i"- We l!.e !ur li,es"yle( "!!; Slee# all-day- 4e" u# in "he la"e a,"ern!!n( rumma$e ,!r s!me $rub A!r $rubsD and "hen hi"

"he s"ree"s A!r !!dsD and l!!+ ,!r ,un B in !ur *ase( m!re ,!!d and beer- We@re al ays surr!unded by a $r!u# !, ,emale *!y!"es( bar+in$ and ,lir"in$ i"h us- I"@s #re""y damn a es!meBu"( y!u +n! ha" Fran+6 Y!u *an /!in us- Sure( /us" ,!r !ne ni$h"- The i,e and +ids are i"h her m!"her- We@re al!ne- N! !ne ill +n! - We *!uld use s!me ne bl!!d- S! $! ,!r i"( le"@s $! r!m#in$; Tha"@s i" Fran+( $e" !u" !, bed- We +n! "he $r!und is s#innin$ a bi"( bu" i$n!re i"( y!u@ll $e" y!ur bearin$s in a ,e minu"es- N! B d!n@" #u+e B h!ld i" ba*+K"here "ha"@s be""erN! ( !, *!urse( y!u *an@" $! *!y!"e-r!m#in$ in y!ur s ea"-#an"s and "-shir"- N! ay- Y!u need "! $e" na+ed B *!nne*" i"h "ha" inner- ild animal- Tha"@s i" B "hr! a ay "h!se symb!ls !, *!n,!rmi"y- )e" y!ursel, r!am ,ree- I +n! i"@s a bi" *!!l !u"( bu" a,"er runnin$ ar!und !n all ,!urs ,!r an h!ur !r " !( y!u@ll arm u# and be $lad "ha" y!u@re s"ar+-na+ed- Oh( ha"@s "ha"6 O, *!urse y!u need "! run !n all ,!urs( y!u@re a *!y!"e n! ( damni"C!me !n Fran+( "ime "! "hin+ !u"side-"he-b!7- Tha"@s i"- N! "ry runnin$ ar!und in a *ir*le( l!!+ !u" ,!r "ha" ,l!!r-lam#K h!!#s2!n@" !rry ab!u" i"( /us" a.!id "he $lass- O+ay( n! le"@s hear y!u bay B le"@s hear y!u *ry !u" li+e a ,rea+in@ ild *!y!"e- 2!n@" !rry ab!u" "he nei$hb!rs( "hey@re s!und aslee#- 4! ,!r i"; O+ayK ell( #erha#s e *an !r+ !n "ha"Are y!u ready "! *!me !u" and hi" "he ild ni$h"-li,e6 N!( d!n@" $! "hr!u$h "he ind! - Y!u sh!uld $! !u" "he d!!r( s! y!u d!n@" brea+ any"hin$ else- Maybe $! !u" "hr!u$h "he +i"*hen d!!rWe@ll mee" y!u !n "he ba*+ #a"i!- We@.e s"ill $!" "hree h!urs un"il da n B l!"s !, ,un and ,r!li*+in$ "! be had- We@re ai"in$K Oh( by "he ay Fran+( *an y!u $rab "ha" !"her si7-#a*+ in y!ur ,rid$e !n "he ay !u"6 Than+s( manA1ublished !n )onkey'icycle ebsi"e B %&&QD

#o +ow You're a "hera/ist C!n$ra"ula"i!ns; Y!u@.e ,inished y!ur $radua"e *lasses- Y!u ha.e y!ur di#l!ma- Y!u@.e *!m#le"ed y!ur in"ernshi#s- N! y!u3re ready "! s"ar" seein$ *lien"s- Well( alm!s"- There are a ,e m!re "hin$s e need "! im#ar" "! y!u be,!re y!u *an han$ "he #la*ard !n y!ur !,,i*e d!!r "ha" says0 8Thera#is"9Firs" !, all( y!u need "! *han$e y!ur hair- Yes( i"3s a #er,e*"ly ,ine hair-*u"( bu" i"3s "!! ,la"- As a "hera#is" y!u need ,ri<<y hair- I" needs "! s"i*+ !u" and be a bi" unruly- I su$$es" a l!!se #ermWhy d! y!u need ,ri<<y hair6 Well( a*"ually i"3s a "rade se*re"Bu" I *an "ell y!u "ha" i" has s!me"hin$ "! d! i"h dis"ra*"in$ *lien"s ,r!m y!ur dr!!#in$ eyes hen y!u3re b!red s"i,, by "heir *!ns"an" yammerin$ ab!u" 8unme" needs9 and ne$le*",ul #aren"s- Als! i" has s!me"hin$ "! d! i"h hy#n!"ism and slei$h"!,-hand- We *an "ell y!u m!re hen e.ery"hin$ is !,,i*ialNe7"( y!u need s*ar.es - l!"s and l!"s !, bri$h"ly *!l!red s*ar.es- And y!u need "! learn "! "ie "hem ar!und y!ur ne*+ in /aun"y +n!"s- O, *!urse( y!u !nder( ha" i, I ere a male "hera#is"6 Well( i"3s n!" an issue sin*e male "hera#is"s d!n3" e7is"- Why s*ar.es6 N!( silly( i"s n!" s! y!u *an ha.e s!me"hin$ "! $i.e a *lien" hen "hey "ear u# be*ause !, "he mas"er,ul =ues"i!n y!u #!se hi*h e7#!ses s!me unbelie.ably dee# hur" in "heir li,e- A*"ually( e d!n@" really +n! hy "hera#is"s ear s*ar.es- 1erha#s i"3s s! y!u ha.e s!me"hin$ "! /u$$le hen *lien"s d!n@" sh! u# A hi*h( by "he ay( ha##ens all "he "ime- I" is a li""le +n! n ,a*" "ha" s!me !, y!ur m!s" su**ess,ul "hera#is"s s#end se.en "! ei$h" h!urs a day seein$ n! !ne( and s"ill $e" #aid by insuran*esDThen( y!u need "! use "hese #a"en"ed #as"el-*!l!red #ain"s ,!r y!ur !,,i*e alls- They a##ear "! be *!l!rs "ha" ill s!!"h and *alm an7i!us #a"ien"s- A*"ually( i"s n!" "he *!l!rs "ha" ma""er( i"@s "he ,a*" "ha" y!u *an ash bl!!d !,, "he alls i"h "hese #ain"s- I d!n@" +n! i, "hey "!ld y!u "his in $radua"e s*h!!l( bu" y!u sh!uld e7#e*" a" leas" !ne !r " ! #a"ien"s "! *!mmi" sui*ide in y!ur !,,i*e ea*h ee+Finally( here is y!ur *li#b!ard and s!me #ads !, #a#er- This is here y!u ill a##ear "! "a+e n!"es !n ha" y!ur *lien" is sayin$- A*"ually( "he #ads !, #a#er are s#e*ially made ,!r "hera#is"s- I, y!u l!!+ a" "he #ad ,r!m an an$le i" l!!+s li+e lines

!, nea"ly hand- ri""en n!"es- Bu"( ,r!m s"rai$h"-!n( i" is a*"ually $ames !, S!du+u- S!du+u is a $rea" ay !, +ee#in$ y!ur brain aler" and in *!ndi"i!n ,!r "h!se m!men"s hen y!ur *lien" 8mi$h"9 re.eal s!me"hin$ !, si$ni,i*an*eU su*h as a lurid a,,air !r "he ,a*" "ha" he !r she +ee#s a bea.er *!s"ume in "heir *l!se" and li+es "! ear i" hen "hey dan*e "heir li""le ,r!li*+in$ animal dan*e ,!r "heir ,!res" !, animal ,riends- N!" "ha" "here is any"hin$ r!n$ i"h belie.in$ in and( a*"ually( !rshi#in$ a small mena$erie !, in.isible animals "ha" li.e in y!ur *l!se" and !nly *!me !u" "! dan*e ,!r y!u- )!"s !, #er,e*"ly sane #e!#le l!.e "! ,r!li*( ri$h"6 I see "hey "au$h" y!u in $radua"e s*h!!l h! "! n!d =uie"ly and in-"!ne 8Mmm9 and 8Eh-huh9- A*"ually( y!u are =ui"e $!!d a" i"4!!d lu*+( Thera#is"; A1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&QD

) A (lad M$ Childhood !rea s !id +ot Co e "rue I wanted to be the +iH )illion /ollar )an. I am married and di.!r*ed se.eral "imes- Ea*h !, my i.es be*!me in*reasin$ly ann!yed i"h "he *!ns"an" Nd!-d!-d!-d!d!N s!und I ma+e hen I li,"( run( s"are a"( !r lis"en "! s!me"hin$My n!n-bi!ni* le," arm a"r!#hies due "! la*+ !, use( ma+in$ me l!!+ !ddly l!#sided- Then as I rea*h "he a$e !, ,i,"y( my bi!ni* limbs be$in "! s"i,,en and *rea+ i"h !.eruse s! I al+ i"h a $im# and *rea+ li+e a rus"y "ru*+- I de*ide "! hire a la yer and sue "he d!*"!rs h! "urned me in"! a hal,-r!b!"i* ,rea+- Sin*e I ha.e been unem#l!yed ,!r se.eral years I "ry "! $e" a l!an based !n "he si7 milli!n d!llars I am !r"h- Finally( I *!mmi" sui*ide hen I reali<e "ha" "he si7 milli!n d!llars( a,"er in,la"i!n( is n!" !r"h mu*h m!re "han ,!r"y-si7 bu*+sI wanted to wear the J"Ray +pecs I ordered from the back of a comic book for the rest of my life.

The O-Ray S#e*s *!nsis" !, #las"i* ,rames i"h *ardb!ard lenses "ha" ha.e a h!le ,illed i"h red-"hreads- The ad su$$es"s "ha" I ill be able "! see "hr!u$h $irl3s *l!"hin$ am!n$s" !"her "hin$sThe !nly ay I *an see N"hr!u$hN any"hin$ is i, a #ers!n is s"andin$ in ,r!n" !, a bri$h" li$h"- And "hen I !nly see a shad! ed !u"line- Sin*e I am n! s"u*+ earin$ "hese "hin$s ,!r "he res" !, my li,e( I am !s"ra*i<ed "hr!u$h!u" hi$h s*h!!l- I be*!me an is!la"ed mis,i"- The !nly /!b I am able "! ,ind is a" a /!+e sh!#- I am arres"ed se.eral "imes ,!r harassmen" a,"er s"al+in$ !men h! are earin$ dresses and are s"andin$ in ,r!n" !, unusually bri$h" li$h"s- I $e" a $!!d la yer- He su##lies "he /ud$e and /ury i"h similar O-Ray S#e*s- They see h! l!usy "hey are and *!n*lude( als!( "ha" y!u *an3" really see shi" i"h "hemI wanted to be able to $se #he 3orce. I ,ind "ha" hene.er my li""le br!"her 2anny is ann!yin$ me I am able( li+e 2ar"h Vader( "! ma+e him ,eel li+e he is *h!+in$- I als! "ry "! d! s!me $!!d "hin$s( "!!( su*h as men"ally li," "he s!,a my m!"her an"s "! m!.e a*r!ss "he r!!m !r ri"e essays ,!r s*h!!l by lyin$ !n my bed readin$ *!mi*s hile NThe F!r*eN "y#es my #a#er a*r!ss "he r!!m- Bu" I ,ind "ha" "he *h!+e-h!ld "ri*+ be*!mes m!re and m!re use,ul- I am able "! dis#a"*h bullies i"h a in+- I am able "! $e" li=u!r s"!re *ler+s "! le" me buy beer hen I3m ,i,"een- Bu" a,"er a hile "his "ruly $e"s a ay ,r!m me - any!ne h! #isses me !,, $e"s "he *h!+e-h!ld0 "he dri.er h! *u"s me !,,( my b!sses( "he $uy in "he "hea"er h! +ee#s "e7"-messa$in$ durin$ "he m!.ie- I *an3" *!n"r!l i" anym!re- I hire a la yer "! sue 4e!r$e )u*as- We l!se due "! Mr- )u*as3 #halan7 !, a""!rneys- My la yer( "he /ud$e( and 4e!r$e )u*as mys"eri!usly die !, as#hy7ia"i!nA1ublished !n 4ankee 2ot Roast ebsi"e B %&&QD

!ion$sus: Part$ Clown

Hell! "iny humans; N! "ha" y!ur m!"hers are $!ne( le" me in"r!du*e mysel,- I am 2i!nysus( $!d !, ine( ins#irer !, ri"ual madness and e*s"asy( als! +n! n as Ba**hus and "he )ibera"!r- I am "he #a"r!n dei"y !, a$ri*ul"ure and "he "hea"er- My di.ine missi!n is "! usher ,!r"h "he beau"i,ul musi* !, "he aul!s s! as "! brin$ an end "! *are and !rryAnd( li""le B!bby 1a7"!n( "! ma+e y!ur #ar"y ,!r "urnin$ ,!ur su#er-du#er ,un; F!r s"ar"ers le"3s re.ie "he lis" !, liba"i!ns !,,ered a" "his mini ba**hanalia- )i""le B!bby( #lease "ell me "ha" is a ,ine heady and r!bus" merl!" in "h!se *u#s and n!" *ranberry /ui*e *!*+"ailH! *an e e7#e*" "! s"ri# !ursel.es !, all !, !ur s!*ial in,luen*es and inhibi"i!ns i"h!u" a $l!ri!us liber"y-,reein$ .in"a$e6 E7*use me( smallish !man( ha" is y!ur name6 Yes( Mar$are"( hile I a##re*ia"e y!ur #redile*"i!n "! ard ,ul,illin$ !ne3s #rimal need "! *!nsume "ha" hi*h #leases y!u( li""le B!bby3s m!"her demanded "ha" I +ee# y!u Nli""le beas"sN a ay ,r!m "he bir"hday *a+e- There is a line( Mar$are"( be" een unbridled hed!nism and /us" #lain !ld $lu""!ny- And I mus" say ,r!m "he si<e !, y!ur $ir"h I !uld $uess $lu""!ny is a dem!n i"h hi*h y!u #r!bably res"le *!nsis"en"lyWha"6 N!( I d!n3" +n! h! "! ma+e ball!!n animals- I am( h! e.er( #re#ared "! #r!du*e a small re"inue !, my Maenads "! ,eed us( by hand( /ui*y red $ra#esN!( I d! n!" +n! h! "! al+ li+e a r!b!" and *hase y!u ar!und "he r!!m- And a "rue *elebra"i!n d!es n!" in.!l.e !ne $e""in$ N#an"sedN and h!n+in$ !ne3s red n!se- We sh!uld sim#ly /us" l!un$e ar!und hile drin+in$--Mar$are"( #lease s"!# y!ur "ears- Y!ur l!ud *ryin$ is be$innin$ "! u#se" "he !"her re.elers hereWhy is "ha" b!y under "he "able and su*+in$ his "humb6 B!bby( *allin$ him a Ns"u#id babyN is n!" hel#in$- 4! #ull him !u" ,r!m under "here- Mar$are"( #lease d!n3" *all !u" ,!r y!ur m!"her-

2!n3" y!u +n! "ha" m!"hers are a si$ni,i*an" im#edimen" in li,e6 I sh!uld +n! ( my m!"her as a mere m!r"al- While "he dau$h"er !, a +in$( she as n!" a $!d( li+e my ,a"her :eus- I3.e ne.er li.ed "ha" d! n u# a" Olym#us- 1lus m!ms *an #u" =ui"e "he dam#er !n a $!!d debau*hery-,illed #ar"yYes( "ha" is le!#ard s+in I am earin$- N!( I did n!" +ill "he le!#ard i"h my bare-hands- Yes( I +n! "ha" )e!#ards li.e in "he /un$le- )is"en( en!u$h i"h "he =ues"i!ns; And ill all !, y!u diminu"i.e +ids s"!# *ryin$ and $e" !u" ,r!m under "he "able; Where3s Mar$are"6 Oh $rea"( here *!me "he m!"hers; )i""le B!bby( hide my ines+in !, Riuni"e under "he *!u*h- )is"en( le"3s /us" ea" "he damn *a+e( I3ll $rab my #ay*he*+( and "hen I3m !u" !, hereY!u +ids are im#!ssible; A1ublished !n )c+weeneyIs ebsi"e B %&&QD

"here Must Be %ift$ &a$s "o Heave Your Brother 2or seven at a ini u 7 O.er y!ur ba*+( Ga*+ Wi"h a " !-hand "!ss( G!ss Wha" ab!u" a li""le l!b( B!b6 Ese a bi" !, he,"( Ge,, As+ ,riends "! $i.e him a hurl( Earl Be sure "! bend a" "he +nees( )ee Try s!me C-C( Elm!re

AEn#ublishedD

Interview with a Butler 1lease lis"en0 I as al ays .ery l!yal "! Mas"er Ri*hie Ri*h ri$h" "hr!u$h "! "he end- As a bu"ler( I as "rained "! +n! ha" "he hi$hes" de,ini"i!n !, l!yal"y is- O, *!urse( Mas"er Ri*hie@s re*en" dea"h has been di,,i*ul" "! *!n"end i"h- Bu"( I@.e s#en" a l!" !, "ime "hin+in$ ab!u" his murder and h! "he *ul#ri"s mi$h" .ery ell be- Ri*hie Ri*h !uld surely ha.e d!ne "he same ,!r me- )e" me be *lear "h!u$h - I assure y!u "ha" I had n!"hin$ "! d! i"h his un"imely demise- I am here "! se" "he re*!rd s"rai$h"Th!se sla#dash m!ney-mana$ers !, Mas"er Ri*hie@s( "hey ere "he real +illers- They *!uldn@" sell *ha#eau7 a" a haberdasheryAll !, "heir #r!mises !, m!re billi!ns by in.es"in$ in all !, "h!se d!"-*!m *!m#anies( "ha"@s hen "he end be$an- Ri*hie@s ri*hes ere all l!s"( m!re m!ney "han any!ne ill e.er +n! There ere !"her murderers( "!!( li+e "h!se hea"hens !, "he *!mi* b!!+ business- And( Ri*hie@s damn la yers- The !nes h! i$n!red "he *lause in his *!mi* b!!+ *!n"ra*" "ha" said( 8y!u ill ,!r,ei" all ri$h"s and remunera"i!n@s hen and i, y!ur yearly in*!me dr!#s bel! PH&&(&&&-9 Tha" as i"- While his *ar"!!n ima$e en" !n "! #lay i"h Ri*hie@s ,i*"i!nal billi!ns( "he real Ri*hie m!.ed in"! a !ne-r!!m ,la"Bu"( I remained l!yal- Al ays did- I@ll "ell y!u( m!s" em#l!yees !uld "urn-"ail and run ,!r "he hills hen "heir em#l!yer as n! l!n$er able "! *!m#ensa"e "hem- I s"ayed i"h Ri*hie( "h!u$h- I said "! mysel,( 8Hu$h Cadbury( "he Ri*h@s ha.e al ays "rea"ed y!u ell( And( Ri*hie has al ays been able "! $e" himsel, !u" !, di,,i*ul" si"ua"i!ns- Y!u sh!uld li.e u# "! y!ur bu"ler-!a"h and s"i*+ i" !u" i"h him-9 S!( I did- I "!!+ u# residen*e !n "he *!u*h in "ha" !ne-r!!m ,la"The drin+in$ as an issue( !, *!urse- Ri*hie ,!und a dee# a,,e*"i!n ,!r Ga*+ 2aniel@s- His drin+in$ be*ame !rse a,"er he "ried "! re-$ain n!"!rie"y by da"in$ "!! many .is*!us s"arle"sBu"( !, *!urse hen "hey ,!und !u" he didn@" ha.e any m!ney( "hey dr!##ed him li+e yes"erday@s Wall S"ree" G!urnal- I" be*ame

a bi" #a"he"i*- In "he mids" !, a drun+en s"u#!r( I remember him #leadin$ "! me0 8H! d! y!u ma+e m!ney i"h!u" ha.in$ m!ney69 Sure( I had my l!yal"y "es"ed- There ere many m!men"s hen I "h!u$h"( 8Hu$h( m@b!y( y!u *!uld li.e be""er "han "his - ma+in$ ba+ed beans and *anned br! n bread ,!r an al*!h!li* bl!nd-hair b!y h! ill a##aren"ly ne.er $r! u#-9 Sure I had "h!u$h"s !, hel#in$ him !u" by sm!"herin$ "he ,!!l- Bu"( I s"u*+ i" !u"The nail in "he *!,,in( s! "! s#ea+( as hen "ha" mis$uided b!y "h!u$h" "! re-s"ru*"ure his ima$e and ma+e a *!meba*+- I ha.e "! admi" "ha" I *!unseled !"her ise- The idea !, be*!min$ a hi"e ra##er as ill *!n*ei.ed a" bes"- Bu"( he en" ,!r ardHis !ne album 81!@B!y Blues(9 as e.ery!ne +n! s( ,l!##ed re/e*"ed by "he ra# *!mmuni"y ,!r bein$ insul"in$- S!me"hin$ ab!u" Ri*hie@s lamen"able idea !, ri"in$ s!n$s *!n*ernin$ his e7#erien*e !, 8!##ressi!n9 in $!in$ ,r!m ri*h "! #!!rAnd y!u *an be sure I as u#se" ab!u" "ha" ar"i*le in R!llin$ S"!ne- The !ne here he blamed my bass #layin$ as "he reas!n his album en" belly-u#- Wh! !uldn@" be ,uri!us a,"er s#endin$ s! many years bein$ a *!n"ri"e( !bedien"( and yes l!yal( ser.an" and "hen read in a ma$a<ine "ha" 8"he s"u#id bu"ler *!uld n!" ,ind a $r!!.e "! sa.e his li,e96 Yes( I as =ui"e reas!nably ir+ed- 2id I +ill him6 W!uld i" ma""er ha" I said "! y!u n! 6 E.ery!ne "hin+s I did i"- Y!u +n! ( "he "ru"h is( in "he end l!yal"y is li+e a s"ar*hed shir"0 s"i,,( a + ard( and n! !ne bl!!dy- ell n!"i*es !r *ares any ayAEn#ublishedD