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P R O G R A M

Did You Know?

The Highly Sensitive Child
Is your child highly sensitive? Do you hear comments like: Oh, your
daughter is so shy or Dont you worry that your son isnt more happy
and carefree? He sure seems to worry a lot. Maybe nobody else says
anything, but you worry that your daughter seems to get her feelings hurt so
easily, or your son melts down when he is teased. Perhaps you secretly wish
your child wasnt so intenseso emotionalor so slow to warm up.
Elaine Aron, Ph.D., author of The Highly Sensitive Child and The Highly
Sensitive Person began studying highly sensitive people in 1991. She
researched and interviewed thousands of individuals, eventually honing a
questionnaire for adults and one for children. Contrary to what many people
think, highly sensitive people are not neurotic, depressed or shy, as many
folks think. They have been that way since birth.

What Is HIGH SENSITIVITY?

HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILDREN

Become easily overwhelmed
Are cautious in new situations
Notice more (changes, subtleties,
relationships, others peoples
moods & expressions, etc.)
Think more about what they have
noticed
Have rich inner lives
Feel things intensely
Are unusually empathic
Are highly intuitive
Are conscientious
Are exceptionally creative
Are exceptionally cooperative and
kindexcept when overwhelmed
Are more likely to become
fearful, shy, worried, or sad
May stand out as different

Highly sensitive people notice more, reflect more, feel more, and avoid
overstimulation. They are born with a tendency to notice more in their
environment and deeply reflect on everything before acting, as compared to
those who notice less and act quickly and impulsively, insists Aron. Their
brains seem to process information more
thoroughly. As a result, highly sensitive
70 % of highly sensitive
children and adults tend to be empathic,
people are introverts
smart, intuitive, creative, careful, and
a tendency that is
conscientious. They are more easily overwhelmed by high volume or large
probably part of their
quantities of input arriving at once. They try to avoid this, and thus seem to be shy
strategy to reduce
or timid or party poopers. When they cannot avoid overstimulation, they seem
stimulation.
easily upset and too sensitive.
Every species shows evidence of
different temperaments. Did you
know that all across the spectrum of life, in every species, there are these
sorts of temperament differences? They are not disorders or
impairments. These distinctions have evolved to serve a specific
function. In most animal species, we find two personalities or breeds:
the BOLD (larger group) and the SHY (smaller group). There are the
ones who charge right in, and there are others who pause to see what
happens. There are the sitters and the rovers. Why is this?
Biologists insist this division increases the chance of survival of the
species. The bold ones rush out to eat the grass, while the hesitant ones
pause to see if there are any predators lurking. In humans groups, we
need the action-oriented adventurers and risk-takers to push us to new
heights and make things happen. But we also need the sensitive ones
who are able to pause and reflect, to think carefully about consequences
and potential dangers. There is no good and bad, no better and best. The
two always work best in combination. We need both!

The Pause-to-Check System

Highly sensitive persons have a very active
behavioral inhibition system. They pause to
check their memory to see if any past situations
were threatening before they go forward.
The right side of their thinking brain (frontal
cortex) shows more activity. Babies with more
blood flow to this side of the brain are more
likely to be highly sensitive children.
Non-highly sensitive folks have a stronger
behavioral activation system. They have a
stronger go-for-it mechanism.

INSIDE THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHILD

Highly sensitive children often have a specialty. Aron has found that some children are more tuned into
relationships and social cues, noticing the moods and expressions of others. Others mainly notice the natural world,
such as changes in the weather or the qualities of plants, or they seem to have an uncanny ability to communicate with
animals. Some are great at expressing subtle concepts. Some children are particularly alert in new surroundings, while
others are bothered by change any change in their familiar routine.
All highly sensitive children NOTICE more. But they dont just notice more, they think more about what they have
noticed. Sometimes this noticing and thinking is obvious and conscious (i.e.: they are asking you questions/talking
about things, etc.)but often their processing is entirely unconscious. They are just intuiting something.
Highly Sensitive Children Become
EASILY OVER-STIMULATED
They often deal with it by
Complaining a great dealespecially
about small things
Choosing to play alone
Refusing to speak up, talk to adults,
talk in class, etc.
Avoiding typical fun activities
(parties, play dates, outings)
Trying to be compliant and obedient
(hoping no one will notice them if
they are perfect)
Having a meltdown with lots of tears
Bouncing off the walls
Throwing tantrums and rages
Getting a stomach ache
Becoming fearful
Withdrawing

Highly sensitive children FEEL more, too. Because they are taking
in and processing more, this often brings a strong emotional response.
They feel stronger emotions. What they feel, they feel deeply.
Sometimes, its intense pleasure. But it can also be intense fear or
sadness or angerbecause children are confronting new and stressful
situations every day. Most highly sensitive children are unusually
empathic, Aron insists, so they suffer more when others suffer.
They can imagine for themselves what others feel. Highly sensitive
children have rich inner lives. Early on they tend to seek meaning in
their lives.
Highly sensitive children stand out as different. Aron says they
are not problem-kids in the usual sense. But they are more likely
than others to become fearful, shy, or sad--especially if they have had
a few bad experiences. With support and guidance, however, they
are exceptionally creative, cooperative and kindexcept when they
are overwhelmed. That presents challenges!
Highly sensitive children become easily over-stimulated and
overwhelmed. They are bothered by things that other children do
not even notice. Unfortunately, this is the part that most people find
difficult to deal with. Its the down side of sensitivity. Highly
sensitive children can become totally overwhelmed by a noisy
classroom, a big family reunion, a long afternoon with a playmate, or
even their very own birthday party.

How do highly sensitive children deal with over-stimulation? They often complain a lot, especially about things
that dont bother most other people. You might call it the small stuff. They may not like the texture or taste of the
food being served. Or, they get upset by the itchy fabric on their clothes, or their hair not looking how they want it to,
or mom buying them the wrong color jacket. They might complain that their teacher gave them a mean look and she
hates me or that nobody likes them and they will never go to school again. Physical complaints are common. Not only
is this their bodys reaction to the stress of overstimulation, but not feeling well actually offers them a solution, Aron
suggests, by allowing highly sensitive children to withdraw and go away to rest.

TAKE a GOOD LOOK at YOUR CHILD

Rate your child on the following characteristics. Check off each characteristic that applies.

Types of Sensitivity
Physical, low threshold
Ex: Sensitive to fabrics, tough socks, tags in clothes.
Notices low sounds, subtle scents.

Physical Intensity
Ex: Reacts more to pain than other children.
Bothered by loud noise.
Physical Complexity
Ex: Does not like crowds or bustling places.
Does not like foods mixed or complex seasonings.
Emotional, low threshold
Ex: Picks up the moods of others
Good with animals, babies, bodies, plants (beings that cannot talk)

Emotional Complexity
Ex: Has interesting insights about what is going on
Has vivid, complex dreams
Emotional Intensity
Ex: Cries easily
Deeply upset by anothers suffering
Novelty, low threshold
Ex: Notices small changes in room or your clothing.
Prefers little or only gradual changes.
Novelty, complexity
Ex: Does not need or like many new things happening.
Dreads a major change such as moving to a new town.
Novelty, Intensity
Ex: Does not like surprises, being startled, sudden changes
Hesitant in new environments
Social Novelty, low threshold
Ex: Slow to warm up with someone she has not seen for a while
Notices small changes in people after not seeing them for a while
Social Novelty, complexity
Ex: The more unusual or unknown the person, the more hesitant.
Social Novelty, intensity
Ex: Does not like to be the center of attention among strangers.
Does not like meeting a lot of new people at once.
Does not like to be questioned by a stranger.

The Six Most Common Problems

Aristotle said that we are happiest when we are doing what we were born to do. Aron believes highly sensitive children
were born by nature to be fully aware: Being good at what they
do best by nature will bring them their highest happiness.
Highly sensitive children will have a deeper awareness of all
of life, both the beauty and the suffering in the world. This
The Vicious Cycle
doesnt necessarily mean unhappiness for them, but it does
You worry, you try harder to shape your child to
present challenges. As a parent, you will be a part of their
meet your expectations, but he doesnt behave the
working through the consequences of this awareness. Aron
way you want--because he cant! Then you worry
presents suggestions in her book for dealing with some of the
more, you try harder, and so forth.
most common difficulties, which are described below.

1. Awareness of Subtleties

The Result
Both you and he feel like failures.

Elaine Aron says that living with a highly sensitive child can
be like living with a smoke alarm! She lets you know when
The Solution
even the smallest thing is not to her liking. (You let the egg
Realize that your childs unusual behaviors are not
touch my toast) But as it turns out, not all highly sensitive
your fault and not your childs fault either. Its
simply how your child is wired. Practice
children notice subtleties. Some can be more tuned into their
ACCEPTANCE. Parents who are more accepting of
inner world and may seem preoccupied or oblivious. Others
this trait and are generally more responsive, allow
may be bothered more by outer intensitieslike the bright
their child to express his/her feelings. Once the
lights and the hot and spicy stuff. Here are some tips for
feelings are out, the skilled parent teaches their child
managing your childs smoke alarm:
how to cope with them. This is better than bottled up
Believe your child. If he says hes feeling it, he really is!
feelings, says Arons, because such feelings usually
resurface in other ways in adulthood-- when it is
Keep little ones who are highly sensitive fed and
much harder to fix the problem. (p. 47)
rested. They will be better able tolerate waiting for you
to help relieve their discomfort.
When he is old enough to understand you, first
acknowledge your childs discomfort. Then let him know when and how it will end or that you simply cannot do
anything about it. If you have communicated your empathy for his desperate needand also communicated a
valid reason for your delay/or for doing nothing (i.e.: you are changing the babys diaper)thats enough. He will
eventually grow in his ability to wait and understand.
Put limits on what you can be expected to do. Aron suggests that you discuss with your child (out of the moment
of crisis) how many times you will try to re-do something to make her happy or to follow her instructions. For

instance, tell your daughter that you will tie and re-tie her shoes five times, but after that, you will stop because you
get too frustrated or do not have the time to continue.
Stick to your standards of politeness and good public behavior, but remember that emotions are sometimes
irrational and overwhelming. You will learn with a highly sensitive child that sometimes there is nothing you
can do to make things better. Sometimes all you can do is hold your child, or let her scream/cry, or just stay with
her while you sympathize. You can talk with her later about what she can do differently to behave better next time.
When possible, put your child in charge of the solution.
Let your child choose! It your son is fussy about his clothes
Respecting the REALITY of your
that bother him, have him choose what to wear. Dont take
highly sensitive childs experience
on the problem or the guilt.

2. Being Over-stimulated and Over-aroused

is basic to getting along with her.

(E. Aron)

Remember that highly sensitive children become overwhelmed

from too much coming at them at onceboth from the outside and from the inside. The more stimulation they
experience, the more aroused their body becomes in order to deal with it. They try to calm down, but sometimes they
just cant. Think about how hard it is to calm yourself after youve been rattled by an earthquake. Highly sensitive
children feel that way more often and need extra help.
See that your child has an area of competence. It doesnt matter what it is. It can be art, fantasy play, a sport,
talking with adults, or knowing a lot about one subject area. Just be sure your child meets with success each time.
See that your child is so over-rehearsed and so skilled that nothing will faze her. Never let a highly sensitive
child go into something unprepared!! Practice in the same circumstances and setting as your child will be going
into. With younger children, use books, stories, play materials, and fantasy play to practice.
Talk about things that can go wrong and how to handle them. Discuss ahead of time
Plant
what could happen, especially the disappointments. Dont worry about planting seeds of
Seeds of
failure. Your highly sensitive child will have already thought of those. You are planting
Coping
seeds of coping!
in your
Explain the effect of over-arousal on performance and comfort. Tell your child that he
has the skillbut explain how noise, or a new place, or his nervousness can sometimes get
Highly
in the way. Use simple words to educate him about himself and how hes wired.
Sensitive
See that some of your childs competencies are not affected by pressure. Many highly
Child
sensitive children are naturally inclined toward more individual activities that are personally
satisfying, rather than competitive.
Help your child enjoy a variety of activities in a non-competitive world. Arons reminds us that a child doesnt
have to try out for a play or join a choir to sing and act. Encourage your child to put on a play for the family at
home or sing with you in the car, instead.

3. Deep Inner Reactions

Because highly sensitive children process everything more fully, they have stronger emotional reactions. Heres the
challenging part: during their initial processing of a situation, their reactions can spiral even higher! Sometimes you
will see these feelings expressed on the outside, but often you wont. More introverted highly sensitive children may
repress or withhold their unacceptable feelings (especially worry, anger, and fear), says Aron. Often, parents will see
these feelings expressed more in their childs behaviors, rather than words (ex: a child loses his appetite after his
parents have a fight). Parents need to anticipate that highly sensitive children will
be more distressed than other children by conflict, unfairness, and suffering.
Highly sensitive children
Highly sensitive children also tend to think the worst and expect dire
need to perceive that help
consequences. How can you help a child with such big feelings?
is available to them
Think about how you handle emotions and how you want your child to
especially in unfamiliar or
handle them. Which feelings did you grow up not being allowed to express?
stressful or situations.
Are you doing the same with your child? If you are embarrassed or afraid of
the strength of your own/your childs feelings, you will likely convey that its
They are probably more
best to keep feelings unspoken.
aware of the degree of
Read up on emotional intelligence and learn skills for becoming an
support & caring of their
emotional coach. Here are a few important ones: listen to your childs
mothers and other caregivers.
emotions first rather than lecturing about the behaviors, teach him what
soothes and calms him, and get to know his emotional cues so you can help
than other children.
him recognize his feelings. (Recommendation: Read Mary Kurcinkas Kids,
(E. Aron)
Parents, and Power Struggles and The Out-of-Sync Child).

Talk to your highly sensitive child about emotions. Aron stresses that these children, in particular, need to be
able to name what they are feeling so that they can feel more in control over their inner turbulence. Name your
feelings. Name your childs feelings.
Strive to contain your childs negative emotions until she can do it himself. Whats ideal? Take your child
off to a nice, quiet place with less stimulation and let her fully vent her emotions while you remain calm. Dont try
to talk her out of her feelings. Its best, though difficult, to adopt the attitude of tell me more, tell me all about it,
and what else, and what else. Doing this can help both of you unwind what is really bothering her. More than
anything, you are teaching your child to learn to hold it so that she can learn to do this for herself someday.
Be attuned to positive emotions, too. We often respond to negative emotions more intensely, but try to remember
to respond to positive feelings equally. Listen for them and reinforce them.
Be aware of how being over-stimulated and over-aroused can increase all emotional reactionsespecially
the negative ones. Feelings are temporary. They come like the tides. In and
out. With a good nights sleep, things can feel very different. A word of
It can help to have a good
caution--sometimes staying up late and trying to talk it away can only add to
Temperament
a childs over-stimulation.
Counselor or Therapist
If any powerful emotion lasts for several days, you may want to seek some
available to help you
help. You dont necessarily need to drag your child into the psychologists
when you get stuck!
office. Start by talking to a professional yourself. An expert may be able to
help you figure out whats going on without ever involving your child.

4. Awareness of Others Feelings

Aron claims that being keenly aware of subtletiesalong with having an intense emotional lifecombines to create
children who tend to be very alert to other peoples needs and feelings. Highly sensitive children are exquisitely
attuned to those who take care of them, she writes. It will help your child enormously if you can identify and be honest
about your own feelings. It is very important that you learn to send secure messages to your child. One of the biggest
problems for older highly sensitive children, claims the author, is their being aware of anothers feelings, even when the
other person is not. It can make these children feel crazy when the people they love deny their own feelings. It is
critically important, therefore, that you be truthful about your own feelings.
(Note: when highly sensitive children are overwhelmed, they can become temporarily unaware of others needs.)

Be aware of how you handle your own awareness of others feelings. If you show little feeling for anothers
problems, your child will be left alone with his big feelingsand tend to think less of you. If you deny the problem
of worrying about what others think, she will feel ashamed and different. Elaine Aron suggests that one of the joys
(and challenges) of having a highly sensitive child is being forced to confront the big questions in life.
Teach your child what can be done. Talk with your child about what is helpful and what isnt. For instance, it
isnt helpful to feel bad all the timeabout others or yourself. Aron likes the Fifty-Fifty-Rule for coping with
others judgments. You can always expect that 50% of people will like what you do and 50 % will not. So you
might as well do what you think is right. You cant please them all.
Look at how you balance the needs of others around you with your own needs. Remember that your child will
imitate you. Especially a highly sensitive child who is even more attuned to you and your actions.
Teach your child that he has a right to say no or to ignore anothers opinion. Highly sensitive people can
easily lose sleep over what others think. They need to learn how to set healthy
boundaries to protect themselves from emotional over-load and burnout. Coach your
Give
child to listen to her insides and do what she really wants to do.
Equal Empathy
Be careful about sharing too many of your own troubles or your criticism of
in your family!
others with your child. Highly sensitive children can make wonderful friends,
confidents, and counselors. But this is too much for even the wisest child to handle,
Avoid the tendency to
insists Aron. These children are still learning to cope with an over whelming world.
give it all to your highly
They need a parents strengthnot feeling its their job to support their parent
sensitive child.
emotionally.
Dont let her win
To promote your childs sense of his own needs and wishes, insist that he make
attention
and power
choices whenever possible. This is the only way a child will learn to trust himself.
through
her
emotions.
(Do you want to have Mateo over to play or do you want to go to his house? Do
you want a story or a song?)
See that everyones wishes in your family are heard and respected equally. Aron cautions parents to practice
equal empathy, rather allowing the highly sensitive child to garner it all! Dont allow your sensitive child to
blackmail others with her emotions. Heres an idea she suggests: allow your children to alternate being Ruler of
the Day. The Ruler gets to decide where to sit in the car, what to see on TV, etc.

5. Caution Before Proceeding in New, Possibly Dangerous Situations

Remember the advantages of your childs cautionthis will help you not to be disappointed when it seems
uncool. Remind yourself that he is pausing to check. His brain is searching his storehouse of memory for
dangers.
See it from your childs viewpoint. Every situation is new for young children. Noises are louder, rooms seem
larger, hours stretch longer, adults are bigger, children are unpredictable, and strangers are intimidating. Children
havent developed a repertoire of experiences and coping strategies, the way we have.
Point out what is familiar or what resembles past situations that your child has mastered. Kids are very
concrete and literal. They have difficulty imagining what they havent experienced. Its a smart idea to link
something new to something old theyve already mastered. Aron suggests giving examples like these: The family
reunion will be a lot like Grandma Marys birthday party at the big restaurant, remember? or The ocean is just
like a huge bathtub, and the waves are the kind you make when you move around in your bath.
Take it one step at a time. Help your child take baby steps. Highly sensitive kids need us to break things down
into manageable pieces for them. (You dont need to talk to anyone at first. You can just watch. or We will go
to the party, but you can sit next to me.)
Provide a retreat. This is an important coping strategy. When your highly sensitive child is young, you will need
to help her remove herself when you see her getting overwhelmed or over-stimulated. You may even have to pick
her up and leave a party that is in full swing. Later on when she is older, you can coach her ahead of time, telling
her, If the party gets loud or you feel grumpy, you can go up to your room when you
need to get away (or rest/or be alone, etc.).
Dont be afraid to talk
Success is the key to your child exploring new situations in the future. Dont
lose sight of the fact that your child does want to explore, reminds Aron, as long
about how your child
as the risks arent too high. So emphasize what she will gainand minimize the
feels different.
risks. Be strong and encouraging. Notice the times your child has tried something
He knows it.
new, although she was scared at first: Look how many friends you have at school

now. Remember when you were worried on the first day?

These kids are
highly intuitive.
6. Being Different
Pretending doesnt
One of the challenges of raising a highly sensitive child is not due to the trait itselfbut
to how others view it. Every child who is in a minority must face feeling different,
work with them.
whether we like it or not. Being different can attract attention.
Examine your own attitude toward this trait. In our extraverted American
culture which values competitiveness and outer expressions of strength, there can be a subtle prejudice against
shy or sensitive children who are perceived as week and vulnerable. Research indicates that shy sons are
often their mothers least favorite child, while shy daughters are often encouraged to stay home and be their
mothers special friend (p. 64). Aron says bluntly, you must over-ride this reaction for the sake of your
child.

Talk about the trait with your child. Ignoring your childs difference will not work. Your silence will
speak louder than words, says the author. These kids know!! They FEEL their difference. (They are highly
sensitive, after all!) Help them by putting words to it. Talk about temperament (We are all wired
differently.) Understanding something helps children to feel less helpless. You can talk about the challenges
that sensitivity presentsbut talk about the gifts, too.
Think through how you want to respond to comments from others, especially when your child will
overhear you. It helps to be prepared. Have an arsenal of responses ready to use to educate those who dont
understand. (See section below.) The more your child hears these, the more he will internalize them.
Insulate your child from undo attention, praise, or pity. Try to avoid both extremes. Protect your child
from pity/criticismbut also from being made special or superior in any way, due to his sensitivity.

Parenting Challenges with a Highly Sensitive Child

When You Are Not a Highly Sensitive Person Yourself
First of all, take the test at the end and determine whether or not you are highly sensitive also. Remember that it is all
about goodness of fit. Having a different temperament than your child can have its advantages. But a lack of fit
within culture, family, or parentscan be problematic. If you realize there has been a lack of fit, the first thing that
Elaine Aron stresses is that you will need to learn to adapt.
Learning and training can greatly affect goodness of fit. The same parenting methods can affect two children very
differentlydepending on their temperaments. The most important thing you can do as a parent is try to create a good

fit between you and your child. Research shows that when parents are trained to understand their childs temperament,
the children of these parents have far fewer problems! Along this line, Arons says: I
am saying right here that it is smart to have a top notch temperament counselor or
therapist you can turn to while raising your highly sensitive child. That way, you
Highly sensitive children
dont have to go looking for someone when you are in a crisis.
tend to communicate
with hints, gestures,
NOTE to FATHERS: Read this section! In our culture, men are more likely to take on
nuances,
glances, and
the perspective of a non-highly sensitive parent because being a man is equated with
tones of voice.
insensitivity (i.e.: take it like a man!). In the authors research (p. 69), fathers turned
out to be unusually important in the adjustment of highly sensitive children, because
they traditionally teach children how to manage in the world. Also Arons suggests that
even if you test out only in the mid-range, you could be highly sensitive too.

Benefits to Your Child When You Are NOT Highly Sensitive

If you are not highly sensitive,

You will give your child more adventures. Without a doubt, you will
you will tend to communicate
probably push your child to new heightsto try new adventures, to experience
more bluntly, even harshly
new activities. This will be your gift. When a strong push is needed, says
by your childs standards.
Aron, you will probably more often dare to give it.
You can/will provide grounding and balance. You will be able to calm
Your child may be so overyour child when she is overwhelmed by her strong feelings, as long as you are
aroused by your style that she
will not even hear the content.
not angered by her intense reactions/feelings. If you can remain in control of
Aron (p. 76)
your feelings, she will learn from you.
You will speak up and protect your child more readily than a highly
sensitive person might. When you confront the pushy cousin who just wants a hug with words that say,
Not today, you are showing him how to say no when something doesnt feel comfortable to him.
You are probably fairly communicative, saying what is on your mind without a lot of hesitation. This
kind of running commentary, as Aron calls it, gives a highly sensitive child a sense of how an adult thinks
and copes. Its very helpful for a child.

Where to Be Careful If You Are NOT Highly Sensitive

You will have trouble believing that your child is having a different experience of the world. It will be
hard for you, because you simply cant imagine someone could feel that way. If will be easy for you to fall
into thinking, shes just faking it or hes just trying to get attention.
You will often feel impatient. It will be particularly tough if you are someone who is used to speaking out
easily or acting quickly. Patience will be a real challenge, cautions Aron. You may find it frustrating to
have to wait for a long time for your child to put his thoughts into words.
Your volume will be too loud. Highly sensitive children can feel easily overwhelmed by your intensity. This
is as much about the force of your voice as it is your loudness. These children often get so over-aroused by a
parents strong style that they are unable to absorb the content, says Aron. Your child will likely hear your
thoughts differently from how you mean them. This is especially true if you are disapproving or critical.
You may find your child boring at times. Highly sensitive children actually like to be quiet. They enjoy
spending long periods of time lost in thought. They are prone to daydreaming, getting lost in a book, or staring
out the window without saying anything. They actually need this down time.
But you may feel bored by the lack of conversation when you want to
Speak very gently
engage.
when your child is telling you
You may feel rejected by your child not wanting to be with you
about his deepest feelingsas
more or not wanting your physical touch. This is one of the most
if the two of you are handling
common feelings reported by parents of highly sensitive children who
sea creatures you brought up
do not understand their childs temperament. They feel hurt and
from the depths of the ocean
rejected. To them, it feels like their child goes away sometimes, and
that are not used to bright
they assume this periodic lack of connection means that their child
E. Aron (p. 76)
light.
doesnt like them. Not true! Your child trusts you enough to be himself.
At home, he needs lots of time to recharge. He feels safe there.
You may find yourself unintentionally taking advantage of your childs
sensitivity. Because these children are so empathic and aware of others feelings, it is easy to fall into the
trap of asking them to give a little more to others. It can be easy to tell them your troubles, because they
listen so well. Watch out that you dont script your child into the role of my good, helpful, wise child.

What You Can Do to Make a Better Fit

if you are NOT highly sensitive yourself

When you have trouble believing that your child is having a different experience of the world
Do all you can to understand your childs experience. Ask him how he sees it. Get to know some highly
sensitive adults and learn from them. Consider temperament counseling. If your child has an experienced,
understanding teacher, ask him/her about your child. Try not to push too hard. Dont expect your child to
enjoy the same things as you enjoyed as a childand dont feel sorry for him missing out on things.
When you feel impatient
Work on it! advocates Aron. She insists that patience is a necessity for parenting a highly sensitive
child. If you ask a question, dont be impatient for the answer. It will take longer for your child to answer
if you pressure him. Give your child plenty of time to make a decision. (If there isnt enough time for a
slow decision, dont ask.) If you want your child to try something new, get her into it slowly. Take it step by
step. Understand that your child will be anxious about scary and traumatic eventslike fires, break-ins,
kidnappings, and so forth. His imagination will run overtime. Try not to get annoyed by his need for
reassurance and extra physical security, like checking all the locks!
Be aware of your louder volume.
Always tone down your intensity with highly sensitive children. The author suggests avoiding sudden, harsh
questions. Also avoid teasing or jokes about them that can be misunderstood, she advises. If you have to
correct your child, use a calm, low toneand never ever threaten to withdraw love. Be careful about
thinking out loud if youre upset. Your child can be prone to worry about you. Leave some silences so
your child has space to enter in. If you are always doing all the talking, he wont have a chance. When
highly sensitive children are telling you their deepest feelings, treat them gently--with tender hands.
To avoid feeling bored
Change your expectations. Expect to be bored sooner than your child, says Aron. Bring along a something
to entertain you. Expect that your child will take longer to get used to something. He may just start to enjoy
the play group when its over! On long boring car trips, use a CD with earphones. But check in now and
then with your child. Explicitly ask if he wants to talk or do something.
If you feel rejected when your child wants to be alone or doesnt want to be touched
Dont take it personally! Remind yourself that your child just needs privacy, quiet, and down time. Think
of yourself as your childs protector, who very much needs you to understand and buffer her from
overstimulation. She will love you deeply for understanding her needs. Learn to read the signs when your
child is tired or over-stimulated and stop before she reaches the breaking point. Dont try to pry information
out of your childjust stay open and present. Keep reaching out in a gentle way.
Dont take advantage of your highly sensitive child.
Sometimes, the highly sensitive child can be the perfect Cinderellalistening too much, caring too much,
and doing too much, without complaining. Watch out for this, especially as your child gets older.

When You Are Both Highly Sensitive People

When you are both highly sensitive people, the first priority in parenting is your own stability. Since highly sensitive
children are so deeply affected by how their parents are feeling, it is important for sensitive parents to find ways to be
calm, happy, and healthy, insists Aron, in spite of their life stresses and strain.

You need to take care of yourself so that your child does not suffer.

Advantages When You Are Both Highly Sensitive:

Its so much easier to raise a child

right than try to fix an adult,
believe me.

You understand your childs experience. You will intuitively know

what it feels like to be overwhelmed by a wild party or a room full of
So you are not being selfish when you
strangers!
take care of yourself. You are being
You have real experience coping with the disadvantages of your
very considerate of your child and
trait. You can tell how you felt when someone once called you too
those who will have to live with your
sensitive. You can also affirm how even though it was difficult,
child and possibly heal her if you
are not healthy yourself.
things turned out to be okay.
(Elaine Aron p. 93)
You can raise your childs self esteem just by liking yourself. This
is so critical! If you learn to honor and respect your sensitivity, Arons
says, Your child will absorb the antidote from you easily, like the air he breathes.

You have some answers to, or at least some experience with, the questions highly sensitive children tend
to ponder. You will know how to listen and understand. You have been on the search for meaning yourself.
You have the right volume. Sensitive people tend to communicate more gently, says Aron. They tend to
be more careful with their tone of voice, their questions and they are comfortable with silence. Your toneddown volume will make communication much easier with your highly sensitive child. You will be aware of
what he is dealing with and will know how to be supportive.
You share interests and tastes to some degree. Usually, you share similarities about food, aesthetics, and
how to spend your leisure time. Even though generations change, you probably will agree on more than a nonhighly sensitive parent would.

Where to Be Careful If You Are Highly Sensitive

No matter what, how you parent your child will probably be deeply affected by how you were raised.
You will be inclined to go the other way in order to be a different kind of parent to your child. You may project
your fears and anxieties onto your child.
If you miss the mark, you will probably be over-protective. Parents who were pushed or overwhelmed or
misunderstood by their parents will jump to rescue their child such a fate.
You may not expose your child to enough new experiences. You may want to spare your child unnecessary
risks. But these were your choices, not your childs. He needs to make his own discoveries about what he
likes and doesnt like. They could be different than yours.
You will suffer when your child suffersand that affects your childs ability to handle the pain. Your
child needs a parent who can stay calm and contain these intense emotions, but if you are so overwhelmed
by your own pain, your child cannot borrow your strength and learn from it. Your fears could handicap him.
You may have difficulty being assertive for your childs sake. You may not be comfortable standing up and
saying, No, she doesnt want to do that.

What You Can Do

if you are BOTH highly sensitive

To stay open and avoid over-identification with your child
Be familiar with all your childs qualities.
To avoid over-protection and to be sure your child is exposed to new experiences
Rein in your anxieties. Dont burden your child with your fears.
If child shows an interest in something new
See that he tries it, even if you have no interest in it. Listen to what he likes. Then let it happen.
If your child is not developing interests
See that the menu is broadened. You may have to make an extra effort. Try one new thing each
month. Talk about any regrets you have about not trying something when you were younger.
When you are hurting because your child is
Take a larger perspective. Use whatever works friends, faith, belief in God, or anything that
helps you cope. You need to help your child find a way to rise above it.
Learn to assert yourself for your child.
When it is appropriate and when your child cant do it alone, you have to do it for her. Get support if
you need to. Learn to get stronger. Never let your child feel that she is without support!
Learn to assert yourself with your child.
Sometimes your needs have to come first. Its important for your child to learn that others have
needs, too. Otherwise, he will become self-centered and demanding.
When you are having trouble taking care of yourself
Remember the lesson of the oxygen mask on the airplane. Put yours on first! Self care is a
necessity for your child. If you need a 20 minute time out, take it. Dont ignore your needs.
Imagine that you chose to be born highly sensitive.
Why? Because of all the gifts you could bring to this world.
Try not to be overly guilt-ridden.
Dont be apologetic for every mistake you make in parenting or every sacrifice your child must
endure. This does NOT help your child.

You may have trouble asserting your own needs within the family. Highly sensitive people often try to
meet everyones needs perfectly. Others can learn to just let her do it. This isnt good for your child.
Whatever bad feelings you have about your sensitivity/or yourself, your child will learn these from you.
Arons challenges you to like yourself. You cant fake it, she says. You have to like your sensitivity.
You may mistakenly assume you are more like your child than you really are. You might begin to think
your child is so much like you that shes almost your clone. A big mistake!

Keys to Raising a Highly Sensitive Child

P
Promote Self-Esteem
Highly sensitive children can be vulnerable to low self-esteem. They are often harsh self-critics. They process their
mistakes thoroughly within, and they punish themselves. Thus, claims Aron, they need extra help in developing an
inner answer or antidote to not getting enough of what they need. They also need to learn how to deal with their
shadow side, which they are more aware of than others. Your child will need to learn that having bad thoughts is
different from doing bad things.

Your Words Count!

Validate your childs feelings.
Acknowledge his wishes.
Respect his thoughts and opinions.
Reframe his sensitivity in a positive way.
Teach him to use emotional earplugs.

If you want to promote self-esteem in your highly sensitive child,

first look at yourself. Your child will pick up your bad feelings,
anxieties, or fears like an infectious virus. Your words count, too,
the author reminds us. Reframe your childs sensitivities in a
positive way (Of course youre tired, you were noticing so much
today!). But dont overdo it, either. Kids see through our trying to
puff them up to compensate for our worries about them. Spend time
with your child.It heals all sorts of wounds, says Aron.

From the beginning, one of the most helpful things you can do to
promote your childs self- esteem is to show respect for your childs feelings, needs, opinions, and decisions. Even if
you cant give him what he wants, acknowledge his wishes and preferences. Validate your childs feelings (I know
you really want a cookie right now, but youll have to wait till dinner.). Highly sensitive kids crave this sense of
being seen emotionally.
Help your child understand himself in relation to non-highly sensitive people. Talk about people having different
styles and different temperaments. Teach your child that some kinds of people simply dont hear the way he does
they dont get hints, they dont hear soft voices, or they dont pick up your feelings. Teach her to use emotional
earplugs when friends say harsh things: I wonder if she was just in a bad
mood? You know how sometimes people say things they dont really mean?
You can help your child practice giving a stronger response to non highlyYou cannot control what is
sensitive remarks. He can learn to say, Lets do it my way now, or Stop
said to your child when
that. I dont like that, or, No! These are words that will help your child feel
you are not around.
less helpless and more personally powerful.
You can only prepare your
R
R e d u c e Sh a m e
childs mind to interpret
Highly sensitive children are prone to shame. Be aware of this, but dont go to
correctly what he hears.
E. Aron (p. 114)
the other extreme and fail to discipline your child. Research has shown that the
worst cases of shame-proneness were caused by a total lack of disciplinenot
by harsh discipline. Look at yourself. Many people were raised by shaming parents. Sometimes we can find ourselves
unknowingly repeating the same words our parents said to us (Whats wrong with you? Are you stupid?!!) Change
any old habits. Try not to over-emphasize achievement. A little encouragement is useful, but be cautious that you dont
go overboard. Encourage your child to think about what he wants to be when he grows up, or what she enjoys doing,
rather than painting your vision or dreams. Be extra cautious about making comparisons between your children or other
kids. Focus on each childs strengthsbut dont compare them.
Teasing is another shame-prone area. Highly sensitive children are easily
wounded by hidden, hostile messages underlying teasing. Look at your
own teasing behaviors. Some people grew up in families where teasing
was commonplace. They claim it was just a way of showing love. But
highly sensitive children wont be fooled. They can feel whats
underneath.
Above all, make sure your child doesnt feel that shes the cause of any
family troubles. All children often take on responsibility for bad things

Keep It Gentle!
Calm yourself first.
Stay out of the heat of the fight.
No spanking, no shaming.
No withdrawal of love or isolating.
No global or irreversible threats.

in their family. However, highly sensitive children are

particularly at risk for thinking, Im such a difficult
child, or Mom and Dad are fighting because of me.
A highly sensitive child is always picking up the
underlying tensions and rifts in a family. Dont allow
her to personalize them. It is always best to talk
honestly and openly with your child. Giving simple
explanations for what is happening (and why) will
correct any misperceptions.

K
Know How to Discuss Sensitivity with Others
Elaine Aron suggests that whenever you discuss your
childs temperament with others (teachers/ family/
friends/other parents) you keep in mind the person and
the context. Most people will be on your side and will
want to help. But many do not understand and people
need educating.
Think about these questions: How open is the person?
How much time do you have to state your case?
Do they have any power over you or your child? Will
you have to get along with this person in the future?
Creating some ready-made responses can be helpful
for those times when you are caught off guard.
Consider the suggestions to the right.

HOW to TALK to OTHERS ABOUT YOUR CHILD

CREATE A SOUND BITE:
It may help you to know that my child is one of those 1520% of kids born with a very sensitive nervous system. He
notices every subtlety, but is also easily overwhelmed when a
lot is going on/or by change/or by
QUICK RESPONSES:

Your child is so shy

Thats interestingI dont think of her as shy. She may

seem that way, but often shes just watching or getting used
to things. When shes ready, she warms up nicely. I think
of her as being highly sensitivenot shy.

Your child is so sensitive

I rather like her sensitivity. Is there something specific

shes doing that is a problem for you?

Whats the matter with her? All kids like parties!

Actually, research shows that children really vary. It all
depends on their innate personalities.

Rudeness or pushiness
No, my child does not wish to do that.
This is not helping her/us.
(Aron, p. 145-146)
That doesnt work for her.

U
Use Wise Discipline Strategies
Highly sensitive children need to be corrected and disciplined, says Aron, but they are quick to shame themselves.
Unless you know how to do it properly, cautions Aron, highly sensitive children are likely to take a parents
corrections as global messages about their worth. They are natural internalizers. They do break rules, but they feel
upset about it later, and often punish themselves with their regret. Prevention helps. Keep your standards ageappropriate and make them clear ahead of time.

Basic Steps for Correcting a Highly Sensitive Child

1.) Consider the state of arousal of your child and yourself. First calm yourselfand then calm your child.
You have to get back in control first!
2.) Listen and empathize.
3.) Restate your standards and, if your child is old enough, your reasons.
4.) Decide whether there should be further consequences.
5.) State what your child can do in the future.

When You Have to Use Real Discipline

1.) Keep consequences short, mild and related to the behavior.
2.) Be consistentunpredictable punishment creates additional anxiety.
3.) With an older child, if the behavior is not going away, try to explore why with your child.

Conclusion
Parenting a highly sensitive child can be one of the greatest and happiest challenges.
Elaine Aron claims that parents make more of a difference, so the rewards are greater.
But goodness of fit matters more than anything else. There is always a good fit, she
says, when parents accept their children for who they areand then adapt their
methods to suit their child. If you have a highly sensitive child, welcome to the joys!
But be ready for the challenges, too. If you find yourself having difficulty accepting
and adapting to your child, reach out for help. Come in and talk with me. I am here to
help you explore the amazing and mysterious labyrinth of parenting a highly sensitive child.
Source:
Elaine Aron, Ph.D. The Highly Sensitive ChildHelping Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them. Broadway Books, 2002.

Anne Kangas, L.C.S.W., Family Services Director 1/08

Go to Next page

Are You Highly Sensitive?

A Self-Test

I am:
I am easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input.
I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment.
Other people's moods affect me.
I tend to be very sensitive to pain.
I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can
have some privacy and relief from stimulation.
I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine.
I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by.
I have a rich, complex inner life.
I am made uncomfortable by loud noises.
I am deeply moved by the arts or music.
My nervous system sometimes feels so frazzled that I just have to go off by myself.
I am conscientious.
I startle easily.
I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.
When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more
comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating).
I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once.
I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things.
I make a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows.
I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me.
Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me, disrupting my concentration or mood.
Changes in my life shake me up.
I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art.
I find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once.
I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations.
I am bothered by intense stimuli, like loud noises or chaotic scenes.
When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much
worse than I would otherwise.
When I was a child, my parents or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy.
Instructions: Answer each question according to the way you personally feel. Check the box if it is at least somewhat
true for you; leave unchecked if it is not very true or not at all true for you. Scoring: If you answered more than
fourteen of the questions as true of yourself, you are probably highly sensitive. But no psychological test is so accurate
that an individual should base his or her life on it. We psychologists try to develop good questions, then decide on the cutoff based on the average response. If fewer questions are true of you, but extremely true, that might also justify calling
you highly sensitive.
Copyright, Elaine N. Aron, 1996

Is Your Child Highly Sensitive?

My child:
startles easily.
complains about scratchy clothing, seams in socks, or labels against his/her skin.
doesn't usually enjoy big surprises.
learns better from a gentle correction than strong punishment.
seems to read my mind.
uses big words for his/her age.
notices the slightest unusual odor.
has a clever sense of humor.
seems very intuitive.
is hard to get to sleep after an exciting day.
doesn't do well with big changes.
wants to change clothes if wet or sandy.
asks lots of questions.
is a perfectionist.
notices the distress of others.
prefers quiet play.
asks deep, thought-provoking questions.
is very sensitive to pain.
is bothered by noisy places.
notices subtleties (something that's been moved, a change in a person's appearance, etc.)
considers if it is safe before climbing high.
performs best when strangers aren't present.
feels things deeply.
A Parent's Questionnaire
Instructions: Please answer each question as best as you can. Check answer if it is true or at least moderately true of your
child, or was for a substantial time in the past. Leave unchecked if it has not been very true of your child, or was never at
all true.
Scoring:
If you answered true to 13 or more of the questions, your child is probably highly sensitive. But no psychological test is so
accurate that you should base how you treat your child on it. If only one or two questions are true of your child, but they
are extremely true, you might also be justified in calling your child highly sensitive.