Wise Principles for Dating

Proverbs 29:18 Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy
is he.
Without vision people perish. We see this very commonly in the dating process. I think a lot of
people jump into the dating process too soon, too fast and they dont have any type of plans.
What are some wise steps in the dating process? How do I know if this person is the one?
How do I keep myself pure? How can I help my mate grow?
Most people dont have any plan and for that reasons most of their dating/courtship
relationships actually harms their spiritual lives instead of helping them.
What are some wise principles to help in the dating process?

Beware that Relationships Can Be Distractions or Traps of Satan

Well, firstly we should be very cautious about dating relationships because they often are
used as traps of the devil. Many people go for years not growing or being stagnant because
the enemy has them trapped in a relationship that is pulling them away from God and keeping
them from fulfilling His purpose in their lives.
Is this Gods timing for a relationship? Is this the right person?
We should be very cautious even at the prospect of dating. You should be concerned because it is
very normal for the enemy to use relationships to confuse and to hinder Gods work.
We see this throughout the Bible in many ways; Samson and Delilah, David and Bathsheba,
Solomon and his many wives, even Ahab and Jezebel. Satan used relationships with the
opposite sex to thrust all these people further away from Gods will.
I have seen many of my youth get on fire for God but it is not too soon after that they are in a
relationship that derails their spiritual life. For this reason we should be really cautious in
dating.
This doesn't mean your friend is a distraction or a trap, but it does mean that the enemy will use
such things. You should especially be aware of this if you are currently really growing in
Christ; the enemy will be very aggressive and pull out all the stops to hinder that growth. So
definitely, be aware.
I hope to give you a few principles to help with having a wise plan when you have discerned its
time to court.

Dating Should Look Like a Brother & Sister Relationship

This is what Paul says about our relationships in the Church that include dating relationships:
1 Timothy 5:1Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father.
Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters,
with absolute purity.
He said you should treat younger men as natural brothers and men should treat younger
women as sister with absolute purity.
How should a dating or courting relationship look like biblically? It looks very different than
it does in our romantic comedies with our hearts fluttering all over the place and our
communication waking our emotions and bodies. It should protect us from lust and should
primarily wake our hearts to God.
When we talk to this person it should push us to holiness, it pushes us to seek him more and
live life in light of Him. This is what makes us love this person. We love them because they
make us love God more and serve his Kingdom better.
I believe that is the connotation behind treating them as family. Spiritual family pushes us
towards Christ, helps us navigate life, make right decisions that honor God and they also
protect us. They protect our hearts and minds, and brothers, especially, should protect their
sisters heart and purity.
Yes, be very careful of your conversations and especially flirting. I dont think this is what a
brother/sister relationship should look like. It should not resemble what a secular romantic
comedy on TV looks like, which falls way short of the glory of God in a godly courtship
(Romans 3:23). Look what Paul said,
Colossians 4:6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you
may know how to answer everyone.
He said let your conversations be always full of grace. This means that your every
conversation should be a blessing to one another, full of grace, which means unmerited
favor. It should be seasoned with salt. Salt was a preservant in ancient times. It would keep
things from decay or corruption. Therefore, Paul is saying our words should stir a conversation
away from sin, away from lusts and onto matters of godliness.
How are your conversations with this person? Does it stir your emotions toward God? Or is it
stirring your emotions more towards one another or towards other things? Let it always be full of
grace and seasoned with talk.
Christian dating or courting really shouldnt change the dynamic of a regular Christian
friendship too much other than you are committed to one another and are trying to discern

if God is calling you to marriage. It should make us guard the relationship more because
of the temptations inherent with having a brother or sister that you are attracted to.

Be Diligent and Critical in Discerning if Its Time for a Courtship

I think when two Christians consider dating they should be very diligent and critical in the
process and not jump into it haphazardly or emotionally. Again, relationships often can be
traps and can open many strongholds for the enemy emotionally and physically.
Another caution that should be considered in this day and age is long distance, internet
relationships. New studies show that 1 out 3 marriages in the US began online.1 Therefore,
we should say something about these types of relationships. First it should be noted that God can
use anything. I also met my wife online. However, there can be some dangers with this mode of
dating. Sometimes the distance can make the heart long a lot more than traditional dating,
making people more emotionally blind and increasing the speed of the courtship too rapidly
and sometimes without true warrant. The heart can have a tendency to connect a lot faster
over distance.
Also, we have to be careful because we might be missing all the important visual cues that
happen in person. Are they really growing in Christ? How is that being shown daily?
I think couples would have to really be asking accountability type questions in their
conversations to discern where the other person is at with God and how they are really doing:
What did you study in the Bible today? What are you praying to God about? What ways are you
being tested in your spiritual life? How can I be praying for you?
Maybe that can help make the focus of long distance conversation not so each other
centered and make it more God centered. I think these are the type of things you need to be
looking at and listening for as you consider the possibility of courting.
Solomons mom told him in Prov. 31:30 A woman that fears the Lord is to be praised.
Essentially she teaches him your selection of a woman should be all about her relationship
with God. Throughout the Proverb she describes how her relationship with God affects
everything she does and specifically how she will treat him.
Its the same with you. If you are a woman, you should be looking for a spiritual leader to
submit to according to Ephesians 5:22-26. As a woman dont settle for someone you are
more spiritually mature than. When you do that you lose the witness of scripture in your
dating. You are looking for someone to be like Christ, submit to, some one to wash you with the
word and who is willing to die for you. Look at Ephesians 5,
Eph. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for
her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
1

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/06/03/online-dating-marriage/2377961/

27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other
blemish, but holy and blameless.
Again, the husband is supposed to make the wife holy through the word. If he isnt a
spiritual leader that can do that then I would say wait for this to happen until you date him
or wait for the one who is. I think the characteristics in Scripture given for a husband
should make women very picky in who they choose. He is supposed to be like Christ in being
a spiritual leader.
Is this person helping you grow holy now? Does this person set the example for you in his
devotion to God, his discipline in the study of scripture and spiritual service?
Also, I should add as you are surveying a possible mate, you must survey yourself. Are you
spiritually ready for the possibility of marriage which is the real purpose of dating? Many
times, it is not that the other person who is not spiritually mature enough; the problem is we are
not ready. If God is not first in our life, then we will have a tendency to replace God with our
mates. Then it wont be uncommon to see jealousy and anger when they dont fulfill us like we
want them to. This is common in relationships that have turned into idolatry.
Only God can fulfill us, our mates are not supposed to fill that hole in our lives. A persons
whose relationship is not right with God will ultimately always be trying to fill that hole or desire
to worship through work, schooling, hobbies, relationships or etc. We should ask ourselves am I
spiritually ready to go into a relationship that is looking at the marriage covenant.
I use to have a real problem with the young males in my youth group who were already in a
dating relationship. I would find myself telling them, You cant lead your own spiritual life.
How do you plan on leading somebody else? As we are critically surveying the possibility of a
courting relationship we must not only discern if the other person is ready, but are we ready?

Talk About the Real Possibility of Marriage

Next, I think you would need to find out if he or her is serious about one day getting married.
How soon are they considering it? You should also ask yourself these type of questions. Are
you ready to find a husband? Are you ready to find a wife?
Christians considering dating should have honest conversations. What are his future plans?
What are your future plans? Do your visions align? When I met my wife, we were both
looking at serving the Lord in ministry and we both were already doing it. Hosea says Can two
walk together unless they agreed? (Amos 3:3). Are you guys going down compatible paths?
I remember talking to a girl that was a Christian but she was dead set on acting, modeling,
probably moving to LA. She was a Christian but we were not going the same direction. It
just didnt make sense to try to go together. We would have pulled in different directions.

If the paths align and both see themselves as potential mates, I think they should also
consider when they would potentially get married. This also helps figure out if you are
aligned.
Timing is very important. One person might be trying to be a doctor and have 4 more years
of medical school. The other person is looking for a spouse now. Timing is very important in
potentially getting married.
Are you guys going the same path? Is this the right timing for both of you to consider a
potential partner?
If yes, then this person may seem to be a potential future spouse. But in being diligent and
critical I think the two should take time to pray and maybe fast if they should go forward.
Just because this person matches everything you should be looking for, it doesnt mean that
they are your future spouse. God knows exactly what you need now and what you will need
in your future. We should certainly be seeking him throughout the process and maybe have
times of extended seeking before major steps.
We see Christ do this right before the selection of his 12 Apostles. He goes up on a mountain
to pray and fast for an entire night before making this major decision in Luke 6:12 and 13. I think
it should be normal for people to fast and pray before major decisions but especially in
considering a potential marriage relationship.
Deliberate prayer and fasting is wise because dating should be looking at the real possibility of
getting married sometime in the future; hopefully near future. I say hopefully near future,
because long term courtships have a tendency to fall into lust and drama.
Its best to wait until its a real option before deciding to date. And if couples decide to
become an item with the knowledge of it being a long courtship they must be even more
diligent in protecting it.

Develop a Strategic Plan for Courtship

If everything aligns and two decide to court, they should come up with a strategic plan to fully
discern if God is calling them to get married, to keep them holy in the process and to
ultimately help them continue to grow in Christ until they do get married.
This plan should include finding accountability partners. As a couple they should invite others
into their lives for accountability. Couples who date alone, often fall and struggle with
lust alone and it is often hard to break those strong holds (Ecc. 4:10). Accountability is
very important in guarding and protecting a relationship.
The parents should ideally be involved early in the relationship; if its long distance then
maybe they should meet and even be interviewed over Skype. This gives both the girl and
the guy a sense of accountability and also the seriousness of the relationship. If a man is not
interested in that type of stuff, he probably isnt really thinking about the possibility of

marriage at that point. This will scare the faint of heart off and it should. Let them go their
way, these are important steps.
There was a time in history where a guy couldnt date a girl without first talking to the dad.
That step helped the guy be very protective and careful in the dating of the daughter because
he knew the parents and was accountable to them.
When we see marriage in the Bible, the parents were always involved in the process.
Abraham was part of the process of selecting the wife of Isaac (Gen. 24), eventually Isaac
and his wife sent Jacob to their cousins to find a wife (Gen. 28).
Parents should be very involved if possible; many times they can see things that we dont see
because we can be blinded by emotions. They are not always right, but we should certainly
seek to discern Gods voice through our parents. My wife and I got married very shortly
meeting and one of the affirmations was that both sets of parents were on board and excited. It
was a God thing.
If parents are not an option for some reason, then ones spiritual leaders such as pastors, small
group leaders or mentors should substitute. I think these people should be involved either
way.
This strategic plan should also include boundaries to keep one another pure. It may include
being off the phone or chat by an early time. Lets say by 10:30pm. Often late at night, couples
will be more prone to allow their conversations to wander; they might be tempted more to lust
and push the emotional and physical bounds of the relationships in unhealthy ways.
The boundaries should include regulations for being one on one. You should practice being
in groups as much as possible especially on dates. One on one has a tendency to make the
emotional intimacy grow too fast which is especially dangerous if two people wont be
looking at getting married for a long time. Couples need to have the long term view in
mind and not just instant satisfaction. There is a need to guard the heart through the
courtship process.
Solomon said, in Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of
life.
You want to be very careful to not set a fire that cannot be quenched or fulfilled in a God
honoring way. The best way of doing that is staying away from one on one time. Let God
cultivate your relationship in the midst of the church, groups, and serving together; let your
one on one time be strategic, as you talk seriously and pray seriously.
One on one especially late at night brings many temptations so avoid it at all costs. If you are
guarding this person as a brother or sister with all purity, it means you must guard your
one on one time. It should be limited as much as possible

The boundaries should normally include such things as touch. Again, Paul says that men
should treat women as sisters with all purity (I Tim. 5:2). I think that means we shouldnt do
anything with the opposite sex we wouldnt do with our natural brother or sister. This
includes kissing and cuddling. Though these may seem harmless, they are doors that create
strong emotional bonds and they speed up the temptation to be more physical with one
another. In fact, a good no touch boundary is great. It forces the couple to develop strong
mental and spiritual bonds that will build the foundation for a solid marriage in the future.
I think part of the strategic plan for people that are courting should be times of prayer, time
in the word, church and serving together. I say courting because I think Christian dating is for
marriage which most dating isnt. These times of prayer may include reading a Christian book
and discussing it. When two people in the future get married, it is essentially a commitment to
help this person become all they should be in Christ in an intimate way (Eph. 5:25-27). In
courtship this should begin, for this is part of what you are looking for in marriage.
When I mentioned church and serving together, this is not only a way to grow but to remind
the couple that future marriage is about building the Kingdom together. God gave Adam,
Eve as a wife to advance Gods Kingdom on the earth together. Its the same way for our
marriages now. In fact, Paul says marriage is a spiritual gift just as singleness is. Listen to
First Corinthians 7:7,
I Cor. 7:7 Sometimes I wish everyone were single like mea simpler life in many ways! But
celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to
some, the gift of the married life to others. (Message)
It is meant to build the body of Christ. For that reason courting couples should find avenues to
serve together. This reality of marriage being a spiritual gift should also affect who you
consider as a potential marriage partner. Will you build the Kingdom of God together
well? Do you complement each other?

Trust Gods Sovereignty over the Relationship

I think its important to realize that in the process of dating or courtship (whatever term we
choose to use) sometimes God will make it clear that this is not the person to marry late in
the courting process.
God might open the door for career options that pull the two apart. He might just allow your
hearts to change. Even though we have submitted this to God throughout the whole process,
sometimes He chooses to not reveal his full will until later.
It may not be Gods will for you to marry this person but if you have practiced these
principles, serving one another as a brother or sister with all purity, having boundaries
then it will ultimately protect you through the process. Yes, it may still be somewhat painful but
you have guarded that person and yourself for whoever your future spouses will be.

God chooses to bring many people in our lives whom are just seasonal or temporary
relationships. They come to change our mind about something, to help our character and
ultimately to help us look more like Gods Son, Jesus. Dont be mad or bitter if God
removes this person, but thank him for the time and season he gave them to us.
A lot of people become mad or bitter at God or the other person when relationships end.
God knows best, we must ultimately remember and focus on the giver of every good and
perfect gift (James 1:17). This is important because remembering Gods sovereignty will help
you protect your heart through the process.
Like Christ, we must always say, not my will but yours be done (Luke 22:42). Trust him
through the process.
Why did God not tell us in the beginning that this relationship was not for a life time?
Ultimately, we dont know, but we do know, that he works all things for the good of those
who love him (Rom. 8:28). We can be sure that God wanted to use this relationship for our
good even though it may have brought some difficulty and ultimately ended.
Job said this, the Lord giveth and he takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21).
We must trust his sovereignty in all things. I think having the realization that God may take
this away can give us a proper perspective on the relationship. It can help us cherish them
more while we have them and ultimately cherish them even more when God gives his final
approval on the day of marriage.
We must trust Gods sovereignty because we can be tempted to make them our god, our
focus. We must always see the God behind the blessing and praise and trust him through
everything. Ultimately, its his will and Kingdom that we want in our lives (Mat. 6:10).

Conclusion
When God does choose to confirm a relationship and two people get married, the fact that
you were critical and diligent in the process, the fact that you had a plan which included
accountability from parents and spiritual leaders will give you a tremendous amount of
assurance that this marriage is of God. It also will bless your relationship long term since
you practiced purity and practiced pushing one another to grow in God. This will help build
a good foundation for a long term godly marriage.
May God guide you, as you trust him to provide a future partner in marriage. Blessings!