Marriage and Family Manual PDF

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL
Marriage and Family

Laying a foundation for many happy years together
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HOST A “MARRIAGE
ARRIAGE AND FAMILY” SEMINAR
AMILY
If you would like to host a “Marriage and Family” seminar at your church or organization, All Peoples Church
will be able to send a team of seasoned ministers to deliver the seminar. Depending on the availability of time
and topics of interest, our team can cover the “Marriage and Family” seminar in its entirety or cover only
selected topics.
To schedule and plan a “Marriage and Family” seminar tailored to your church or organization, please
email us at: contact@apcwo.org
C HRYSALIS COUNSELING
Chrysalis Counseling is here to help you!
Chrysalis Counseling is a team of professionally trained and experienced Christian counselors who can
help you look at your circumstances objectively, with an intent to help you overcome and resolve issues, and
challenges you are facing in your marriage and relationships. At Chrysalis Counseling, we want to encourage
you and enable you to fulfill God’s purposes. If you have something hindering you from being the best God
designed you to be, or if you simply need someone to talk to, call us or email us for an appointment.
Email: counselor@chrysalislife.org | Phone: 1-800-300-00998 or 91-65970617

Fees for Chrysalis Counseling services are affordable and accessible.
Chrysalis Counseling is a ministry of All Peoples Church & World Outreach
At present, Chrysalis Counseling serves Bangalore city only.
Please contact a local church in your city for professional Christian counselors in your area.
MARRIAGE
ARRIAGE AND FAMILY : MP3
AMILY AND VIDEOS ONLINE
The complete “Marriage and Family” sermon series as preached on Sunday mornings at All Peoples Church is
available for FREE, online at apcwo.org/marriageandfamily. These sermons are filled with real life anecdotes, scenarios
and other practical illustrations that are not in the manual. We encourage you to listen to the entire series online
along with this manual and then work through the application exercises at the end of each chapter.
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C ONTENTS
1. UNDERSTANDING MARRIAGE 1
2. PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE 1 1
3. MAKING THE CHOICE 23
4. UNDERSTANDING ROLES: HUSBAND AND WIFE 39
5. ATTITUDES, TEMPERAMENT AND BEHAVIOR 55
6. COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE 71
7. MANAGING YOUR HOME 83
8. SEX AND SEXUALITY 91
9. BECOMING A TEAM 97
1 0 . RESOLVING CONFLICTS 105
1 1 . OVERCOMING LIFE’S CHALLENGES 119
1 2 . PRESSING FORWARD BY RELEASING THE PAST 129
1 3 . BOUNDARIES 135
1 4 . PARENTING PRIMER 147
1 5 . NURTURING CHILDREN 163
1 6 . THE FAMILY ALTAR AND INTERCESSION 171
1 7 . THE FAMILY, THE CHURCH, AND THE KINGDOM 177
1 8 . WHEN CHILDREN BECOME YOUR FRIENDS 183
1 9 . ENJOYING THE REST OF THE JOURNEY 187
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INTRODUCTION
NTRODUCTION
Marriage and family are fundamental to our lives and building blocks of the local church and society. The
strength of a local church is often determined by the strength of marriages and families in it. Similarly the
strength of a community, society or nation is influenced in large measure by the strength of its smallest unit,
that of the family. When marriages break up and families disintegrate, the strength and fabric of society begins
to weaken. The strengthening and securing of marriages and families are therefore vital, both to the local
church and the larger community.
There are numerous books that have already been written on various themes in relation to marriage and
family. Many of these are comprehensive works on specific areas they address and could be considered
classics. Given the availability of such good books, we still embarked on working on this manual which we felt
would address specific areas of need in the church community.
Our objectives in compiling this manual on marriage and family are:

1, to compile a work that is simple, practical and yet deeply rooted in Biblical teaching.
2, to compile a work that can be used to help those who are in the early phase of their marriage, addressing
issues that may be pre-marital in nature and yet giving them sufficient understanding to help them build
well into their golden years.
3, to compile a work that addresses many of the practical issues that affect the building of marriages such
as personal attitudes, homemaking, finances, nurturing children, etc., thus making this useful to those
who are well past the “first years” and now faced with real, day-to-day challenges of married life.
Our intent is to provide in one place a resource that is comprehensive in nature and yet something that can be
easily read and not too voluminous. Our focus also is to bring out what the Word of God teaches, without
delving too much into psychology, social science or other self-help ideas and concepts. Hence, each chapter
stays centered around the Word of God.
And most of all we wish to make this available free of cost so that it can be placed in the hands of many
in India and in other developing countries where people do not have access or means to purchase commercially
available literature.
For those starting their journey, we trust that this resource will be a blessing to you and your spouse (or
fiancé), to help you lay a foundation for many happy years together. If you have been married for some time
now, we trust that this resource will help you rediscover purpose and rekindle passion, so that both you and
your spouse together can enjoy marriage to the full, as God designed it to be.
The content in this book has come from our personal reading and study of Scripture, along with practical
learning in everyday life, and also learning from others whose works we have heard or read. Wherever possible,
we have attempted to indicate the source where content has been drawn.
None of us claim to be perfect in our marriages, but acknowledge that we are still learners in the wonderful
journey called marriage, designed by God. We recognize that it takes His abundant grace and wisdom for us
to keep growing in our marriages.
Blessings!
The ‘Compilers’
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL INTRODUCTION
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON ONE : THE NATURE OF GOD
UNDERSTANDING MARRIA
NDERSTANDING GE
ARRIAGE
We begin this journey first of all by establishing a Biblical understanding of marriage. In the world around us,
we find several distorted expressions and views on marriage. Examples of these would include child marriages,
marriages of convenience, live-in relationships that do away with marriage, same sex marriages, etc.
The Bible is our Standard and we desire to understand marriage from a Biblical perspective and live
according to what God’s Holy Word teaches us.
God—The Designer of Marriag

Marriagee
Genesis 2:18-25 (MSG)
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GOD said, “It’
“It’ss not ggood
ood for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper
helper,, a companion.”
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So GOD formed fr om the dirt of the ggrround all the animals of the field and all the birds of the air
from air.. He brought them to the
brought
Man to see what he would name them. Whatever the Man called each living creature, that was its name.
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The Man named the cattle, named the birds of the air air,, named the wild animals; bbut
ut he didn’
didn’tt find a suitable companion.
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GOD put the Man into a deep sleep. As he slept he removed one of his ribs and replaced it with flesh.
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GOD then used the rib that he had taken fr om the Man to make W
from oman and pr
Woman esented her to the Man.
presented
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The Man said, “F inally!
“Finally! Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh! Name her W oman
Woman for she was made fr
was om Man.”
from
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Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh.
25
The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame.
God looked at all He created, and saw that it was good. However, Adam being alone, by himself was one
thing God saw as “not good.” Man needed a companion. He needed a helper (an aid) who would be his
counterpart, or completely suited for him (“an help meet for him”-KJV).
If there was only one man, he would be:
• Lonely
• Isolated
• Selfish / Self-centered
In order to eliminate these, God made Eve for Adam. Marriage was designed by God to eliminate the things
that were experienced by a man being alone.
Adam recognized Eve as one with whom he could relate to in a way that he could not relate to the rest of
creation. He recognized Eve to be one of his own.
In bringing Eve to Adam, God Himself “solemnized” or performed the first “marriage.”
Genesis 2:24-25 then gives us the Biblical definition of marriage:
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON ONE : UNDERSTANDING MARRIAGE
Marriage is a man and a woman leaving all other earthly relationships, embracing (cleaving, pursuing)
each other and becoming one person, before God.
“Therefore”....because of what God had done in creating a woman....marriage came into being.
God designed this intimate union between a man and woman called marriage.
When God made the aid or companion who would be man’s counterpart (opposite part, complement
part), He made someone who was physically, intellectually, morally suitable and yet someone who was very
different.
Matthew 19:3-6 (GNB)

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Some Pharisees came to him and tried to trap him by asking, “Does our Law allow a man to divorce his wife for whatever
reason he wishes?”
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Jesus answered, “Haven’t you read the scripture that says that in the beginning the Creator made people male and female?
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And God said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one.’
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So they ar
aree no longer tw
longer o, bbut
two, ut one. No human being m ust separate, then, what God has joined to
must toggether.”
ether.”
In the Greek language, the words used are quite strong:

to “leave” means to abandon, forsake.
to “cleave” or “unite” means to glue, to adhere.
“has joined together” literally means to yoke together.
“Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate His art by cutting them
apart” (Matthew 19:6, MSG)
Since God designed marriage—the best Person who can instruct us on building a strong marriage is
God Himself.
Here are some Biblical perspectives that we must maintain concerning marriage:
e—A ‘Good Thing’

Marriage—A
Marriag
Marriage was designed by God. Whatever God designs is good! It was designed to bless us. Marriage was
designed to benefit us. It was designed to enrich our individual lives.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.
It is true that “ground realities” can sometimes make life very difficult and people tend to look at marriage
as a “bad thing” because of the challenges, responsibilities and struggles the husband and wife go through.
However, in the midst of the worst situation you face, choose to look at your marriage from God’s perspective.
Both the husband and wife must maintain a Biblical confession about their marriage:
marriagee w
Our marriag was
as designed by God and it is a ggood was
ood thing. It was designed to bless, benefit and
lives.
enrich our liv Wee need to learn how to do this right and then w
es. W wee will experience God’
God’ss
through
intended blessing thr marriage.
ough marriage.
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Marriage—An Institution to Be Honor

Marriage—An ed
Honored
Hebrews 13:4 (MSG)
Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual
and illicit sex.
Marriage is to be held in reverence and honor. Sexual intimacy must be held as sacred and guarded with
purity. Sexual intimacy was intended between a husband and wife alone, as an expression of their union in
marriage.
If you honor God, then you would also honor His Word, His works, and what He has instituted.
We must understand that marriage is not a social institution, but an institution designed and instituted by
God. Marriage therefore deserves a reverence that we would attribute to any work or instruction given to us by
God.
Marriage—A Solemn Cov

Marriage—A enant (Pr
Covenant omise)
(Promise)
Malachi 2:13-14 (MSG)
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And her e’
e’ss a second offense: YYou
here’ ou fill the place of worship with your whining and sniv
worship eling because you don’
sniveling don’tt gget
et what you
want from GOD.
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Do you know why? Simple. Because GOD was there as a witness when you spoke your marriage vows to your young bride,
and now you’ve broken those vows, broken the faith-bond with your vowed companion, your covenant wife.
Marriage, this holy union between a man and woman is established through vows spoken before God.
God is a witness to this solemn promise of faith. Your wife is yours because of the vow (solemn promise) or
covenant you made. God does not want us to break those vows.
Marriage is a solemn covenant of a lifetime commitment between one man and one woman.
Marriage—Is Betw
Marriage—Is een One Man and One W
Between oman Only
Woman
Genesis 2:24-25 (MSG)
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25
The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame.
We must leave to cleave. We understand that both the man and woman have the responsibility to leave all
other relationships and then cleave to just the other.
The first responsibility is to establish independence from parents and other earthly relationships. The
second is to establish commitment to the other.
Marriage is meant for one man and one woman. There is what we can consider an “inner circle” and
“inner sanctum” that is meant only for the man and the woman bonded together by God. There is no room for
anything or anyone else in the inner circle.
When other people, things, etc. crowd into the inner circle, that marriage will experience “stress”.
Sometimes, marriage gets crowded not by people physically moving into the inner circle—but through
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emotional dependence, soulish attachments, inappropriate friendships, etc., that have not been severed or
moved to a lower level of importance.
For example, if the husband or wife has an unhealthy dependence on his or her own parents and gives
their parents more importance than his or her spouse, the inner circle has been violated and this marriage has
gone against God’s design. This is also a “warning” to parents to let go of their son or daughter, so that he or
she can give undivided attention to his or her own spouse without parental interference.
We realize that many societies have devalued marriage and have approved gay marriages. Gay marriage
is an absurdity. There is no such thing as a gay marriage. What the world approves as gay marriage is simply
two people, living out a homosexual lifestyle. God’s Word teaches us that homosexuality is sin and not normal
(Romans 1:26-28). God loves the people but hates sin. Even so, we love people trapped in homosexuality or
living out gay marriages, but we do not condone their lifestyle. Instead, we reach out to them in love, and work
with them to see them set free through the power of Jesus Christ.
e—A Union of T
Marriage—A
Marriag wo
Tw
Genesis 2:24 (MSG)
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Ephesians 5:31-32 (GNB)

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As the scripture says, “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become
one.”
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There is a deep secret truth revealed in this scripture, which I understand as applying to Christ and the church.
To be made “one flesh” means to be made “one properly united person.” It is two persons who have
become so united that there appears to be only one person. We are given the union of Christ with His Church
as a “comparison” for this union between a husband and wife. Christ and His Church are to be so united, He
in them and they in Him (John 14:20), so that we walk as He walked (1 John 2:6), and our lives in this world are
the same as Christ’s (1 John 4:17), to the point where Jesus said, He who receives you, receives Me. He who
hears you, hears me. There is perfect oneness and unity between Christ and His Church in the spirit (1 Corinthians
6:17). The husband and wife are to be one in a similar manner. One in spirit. United in one person.
In marriage, a man and woman are made one at the moment of their marriage in God’s presence. Then in
everyday life, they live this out. Becoming one in everyday life involves an ongoing process of discovering and
growing into a place of oneness with each other.
Key words that describe “becoming one:”
• Relationship : in order to become one, we have to build a strong relationship built on love, trust, respect
and understanding.
• Companionship : is developed through good communication, sharing, caring and time spent with each
other.
• Ag
Agrreement : we develop the ability to consider each other’s differing ideas and points of view and arrive
at a place that is aligned to God’s purpose and beneficial for the marriage and family.
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• Complementing : though being different individuals, we begin to become perfectly “fitted together”
supporting and complementing one another.
• Unity : begin to flow together, where differences become a reason for closer cooperation and
collaboration, and we demonstrate the strength of togetherness.
• Intimacy (closeness) : where each life is like an open book to the other and there is freedom to share
everything.
To become one is to come into a place of agreement.
“Becoming one” was designed by God and therefore is achieved through Him alone.
The process of becoming one does not mean that either person loses their individual identity or
individuality. Rather it can be seen as a perfect alignment and mutual complementing of two individuals. In
such a situation, differences do not divide, but rather reinforce, producing strength through proper balance.
Marriage was designed by God to eliminate the things that would be produced by a man being alone.The
oneness we are to experience in marriage will therefore eliminate the things that would have been produced
out of being alone: self-centeredness, isolation, loneliness, weakness, etc.
Self-centered individuality will destroy oneness and companionship.
Also, it is in this context that we emphasize that a believer should not be unequally yoked together with
an unbeliever in marriage. Although the following Scripture passages are not specifically speaking about
marriage, consider the truth presented in the context of marriage and two lives becoming one.
2 Corinthians 6:14-18
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Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what
communion has light with darkness?
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And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?
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And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I WILL
DWELL IN THEM AND W ALK AMONG THEM. I WILL BE THEIR GOD, AND THEY SHALL BE MY PEOPLE.”
WALK
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Therefor
eforee “COME OUT FR
Therefor OM AMONG THEM AND BE SEP
FROM ARA
SEPARA TE, SA
ARATE, YS THE LORD. DO NO
SAYS NOTT TOUCH WHA
TOUCH WHAT T IS
UNCLEAN, AND I WILL RECEIVE YOU.”
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“I WILL BE A FFA
ATHER TTOO YOU, AND YOU SHALL BE MY SONS AND D AUGHTERS, SA
DA YS THE LORD ALMIGHTY
SAYS ALMIGHTY.” .”
Amos 3:3 (MSG) Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?
Mark 3:25 And if a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
There will be several levels of differences between a believer and an unbeliever, which will easily become
points of intense conflict, affecting the marriage.
Marriage—A Journey of Lov

Marriage—A Lovee ‘Till Death Do Us Part’
‘Till
Matthew 19:6
6
So then, they ar
aree no longer tw
longer o bbut
two ut one flesh. Therefor
eforee what God has joined to
Therefor toggether
ether,, let not man separate.”
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Marriage is for a lifetime. We choose to grow in our marriages until death do us part.
Just a reminder of the marriage vows that are normally spoken by the Bride and the Groom:
The minister addresses the groom:

(Groom), do you take (Bride) to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and protect her, and
forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?
The groom says: I do.

As the groom places the ring on the bride’s finger, he says:
With this ring, I, (Groom), take you (Bride) to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for
better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part,
according to God’s holy Word. I give you this ring as a sign of constant faith and abiding love. With my body
I honor you, all that I am I give to you; this is my solemn vow.
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
In the light of what we have covered in this chapter, reflect on the following:
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1, In what ways would you need to personally change or reinforce within yourself a Biblical perspective of
marriage?
2, What are some popular opinions that are contrary to what the Bible teaches about marriage? We need to
recognize the difference and stand firm on what God has instructed us in Scripture concerning the
institution of marriage.
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What God has instructed Popular opinion that is an opposing ideology

Marriage - An Institution Ordained by God
Marriage - A ‘Good Thing’
Marriage - An Institution to Be Honored
Marriage - A Solemn Covenant (Promise)
Marriage - Is Between One Man and One Woman Only
Marriage - A Union of Two
Marriage - A Journey of Love ‘Till Death Do Us Part’
3, Why should a husband and wife pursue “becoming one?”
TURNING POINT
Pray over the following for your own life
1, Accepting God’s design for marriage: Laying aside all other ideas and notions, I choose to embrace
God’s design for marriage.
2, Marriage is a good thing: I receive the fact that marriage is a good thing. I cast down destructive thoughts
that marriage is a burden, hindrance, mistake, etc. I make a decision never to speak negatively about my
marriage.
3, Marriage is a solemn covenant for a lifetime: I make a determined choice that I will enter into marriage
for as long as the two of us live.
4, Marriage is for two and only two: Have I knowingly or unknowingly allowed others to crowd my marriage?
I repent and renounce emotional dependence, soulish attachments and inappropriate friendships that
could affect my marriage. I make a choice to guard and preserve the inner circle.
5, Marriage is the process of becoming one: Are there things in me or things that I do that could hinder the
process of the two becoming one in my marriage: wrong attitudes as selfishness, self-centeredness,
personal ambitions, stubbornness, dishonor toward my spouse, uncontrolled anger, wrong speech, sinful
habits, unfaithfulness, emotional adultery, being insensitive to my spouse’s needs, etc? I confess them to
the Lord, renounce, and turn away from such things.
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A CTION I TEM
Please pick up at least one good book on Marriage and please read through it along with your spouse (or fiancé)
and discuss its contents.
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PREPARING
REPARING FOR MARRIAGE
ARRIAGE
Marriage is a union of two individuals. It is the coming together of two different “worlds”—individuals who
have different personalities, tastes, perspectives, experiences, expectations, aspirations and their own individual
journey with God. This union of two individuals, can either become a beautiful synergy or a massive collision.
If both the individuals are well-prepared and well-equipped, they are doing their best to ensure that their
coming together in marriage is going to produce a beautiful synergy, so that truly, as the Scripture says, they
can grow together to being one.
However, entering into marriage lightly, hastily, or even for the wrong reasons (e.g., sexual gratification,
monetary gain, escape from parents, etc.) is setting the two individuals up for a massive collision. This often
can be very devastating.
The ancient Jewish wedding used in Scripture to paint a beautiful picture of the coming wedding between the
Lord Jesus Christ and His Bride—the Church, has an interesting custom. After the arrangement of marriage
between the two families, and the betrothal ceremony, there was typically a year long waiting period, before
the wedding ceremony. The waiting period served two purposes: Preparation and Testing.
• Preparation : The Bride has made herself ready and the Groom went out to prepare a place for His
Bride.
• Testing : The Bride proved her purity and her devotion to her groom-to-be, while the Groom demonstrated
his readiness for the responsibility of receiving his Bride.
While we are not advocating Jewish traditions or customs, we must understand the value of being well-
prepared for marriage and go through the waiting period, before entering into marriage.
We strongly encourage everyone considering marriage to take at least a year to prepare themselves for
marriage.
At All Peoples Church, once two individuals have decided to get married, we make it mandatory that
they complete the lessons in this book, over a minimum period of three months, before All Peoples Church
can conduct their wedding. The three-month period is simply a minimum that we recommend. The goal is
thorough preparation.
This chapter addresses seven important areas that need to be addressed with all seriousness and rigor,
as part of preparation for marriage, for any couple considering marriage.
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON TWO: PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE
1, Becoming the Best ‘You’

‘You’
John 14:2-3
2
In My FFather’
ather’
ather’ss house ar
aree many mansions; if it wer
eree not so, I w
wer ould hav
would havee told you. I ggo
o to prepar
eparee a place for you.
prepar
3
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.
Very often a young man or woman considering marriage, focuses on finding the best person, the “Mr.
Perfect” or “Miss. Perfect.” While working on finding the right person who is best suited to you is important,
we must not forget that the best thing you can do as part of your preparation, is to become the best “you” for
your future spouse, marriage and family.
The best gift you can bring to your spouse, your marriage and your future family, is yourself. Nothing can
substitute that or match up to it.
Although the Lord Jesus Christ died to purchase His Bride, a people redeemed by His own blood, at this
time, He is “preparing a place” for His Bride. The Holy Spirit is at work in the Church, preparing the Bride for
her Groom. Christ will come for a glorious Church, a Church that has been made ready, “pure and faultless,
without spot or wrinkle or any other imperfection.” (Ephesians 5:27 GNB). As the Church is made ready, she
calls out with expectation and anticipation, with the Spirit: “And the Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” (Revelation
22:17). A key take-away from this is “preparation” to becoming what we are supposed to be, before the
marriage.
As part of your preparation for marriage, determine to work on yourself with God’s help. God works in
us by His Word and by His Spirit, but He needs us to co-labor with him to make this happen.
Be the best ‘you’ that, you can be, spiritually, emotionally, physically, socially, professionally, financially
and in all other ways.
2, YYour
our Emotional Health
Proverbs 15:13 (MSG)
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A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face; a sad heart makes it hard to gget
et through the day
through day..

22
A cheerful disposition is good for your health; gloom and doom leave you bone-tired.
It is important to ensure that both individuals coming together in marriage, are in good emotional health.
Having and maintaining positive emotions, attitudes and behaviors is important not only for yourself, but also
for your spouse, your children and others who are around you.
Marriage is not a cure to the emotional problems you have. In fact, marriage will only expose and
aggravate emotional weaknesses. These in turn will be detrimental to the marriage relationship. Hence it is
best to identify, face up to and deal with negative emotions, attitudes and behaviors before you enter into
marriage.
Here are some negative or unhealthy emotions, attitudes and behaviors that must be recognized and addressed
before marriage:
1. Outbursts of anger
2. Depressive and emotionally vacillating as opposed to being cheerful, thankful and joyful at all times
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3. Unable to handle stressful situations : We need to have personal strategies that help us manage our
emotions during stressful situations.
4. Critical and judgmental
5. Negativity and pessimism
6. Guilt and shame
7. Insecurity, inadequacy, lack of self-esteem or self-worth
8. Emotionally dependent on parents or other individual(s)
9. Self-centeredness and unhealthy independence where you are unwilling to discuss, collaborate, work as
a team, respect and yield to another person’s ideas
10. Jealousy
11. Pride
12. Authoritative, controlling, demanding, overly assertive, where you insist on having things your way
13. Manipulative and cunning where you tend to get your way by manipulating people
14. Unforgiving and calculative
15. Selfish and stingy as opposed to serving, sharing, giving and caring for others
16. Deceptive or secretive
17. Suspicious, untrusting
Our emotions affect our actions, reactions, behaviors and decisions. While all of us face some or many of the
negative emotions listed above, we learn how to manage them, temper them and eliminate or override them,
and instead walk in right attitudes, emotions and behaviors.
Some of the wrong behaviors that cause the disintegration of a marriage stem from emotional problems
that have not been addressed.
A wife does not become a nagging spouse accidentally. Perhaps her husband’s behavior(s) has caused
her to become one. Or perhaps the wife has emotional issues that need to be addressed.

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A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; (same as Proverbs 19:13)
Proverbs 21:9 (GNB)

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Better to live on the roof than share the house with a nagging wife. (Same as Proverbs 25:24)
Proverbs 21:19 (GNB)

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Better to live out in the desert than with a nagging, complaining wife.
Negative emotions, attitudes and behaviors need to be addressed, and as individuals we need to develop
Christ-like attitudes, a Spirit-controlled temperament and Word-governed behavior. More on this in
Chapter 5.
In marriage, part of becoming one is recognizing and understanding each other’s emotions, attitudes and
behaviors in different situations. Since we are all “wired” and trained differently, we respond differently in
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similar situations. Learning to understand and respect each other’s emotions and responses is important.
Learning how to support your spouse as they react or respond to a situation is important.
NOTE: Death and grieving : For those preparing for marriage, if either of you are currently going through a
time of grieving following the recent loss of a loved one, then do not rush into marriage, but allow time for the
one grieving to come to terms with the situation.
3, PPersonal
ersonal Management
Management
Proverbs 25:28 Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.
Another important part of personal preparation for marriage is personal management. This has to do
with getting ‘your own house in order’—Learning how to manage your own life and life’s responsibilities, and
developing necessary skills to do so. These would include developing skills to manage your career, time,
schedule, finances, and developing other basic household skills.
1. Career
a. Do you have a clear sense of what you will be doing professionally? Have you been able to
maintain a steady job/profession so that you will be able to provide for your family?
b. Will you be taking on a new assignment or changing careers just prior to or after marriage?
Discuss these plans openly with your fiancé or spouse, to the extent things are known at this point
in time, so that there are no “surprises” later on.
c. Working at home : Will either of you be working from home? Then set guidelines to permit this to
happen, making it clear what are “office” hours and what are “family” hours.
d. Employment separation : Will either of you have to relocate or live separately after your marriage
due to employment reasons? As a general guideline, we suggest that at no point in your marriage
should husband and wife live separately for any reason (employment, vacation, etc.) for a period
beyond 3 months at a stretch. Many extra-marital affairs happen simply because this general
guideline is not followed. Try to avoid being away from each other immediately after your marriage.
Your initial period is important and it is good to be together to focus on your marriage.
2. Finances
a. Do you have a basic idea on how to manage your monthly income?
b. Do you have the ability to live within your financial means at this point?
c. Are you committed to honoring God with your finances and faithful in giving your tithe and offerings
to the local church and to support the work of God’s Kingdom?
d. Will you be able to move away from the “mine and yours” mentality when it comes to finances and
toward a more unified approach to money, where you are able to share financial details and
responsibilities with your spouse?
e. What are your financial goals for the road ahead? What standard of living do you expect to
maintain? Have you set realistic financial goals and expectations?
14
f. Once married (or if you are already married), who will be primarily responsible for handling
money? How will the income be distributed and shared? How will household and other expenses
be met?
g. Debt : Is either of you in debt? If so, how much? How will this debt be paid off? Will the other
person have to contribute financially to help pay off the debt, after marriage? Debt hinders our
ability to live freely, and it can affect everything from our personal relationships to our physical,
emotional and spiritual health.
h. Saving and investing : Have you understood some basic methods to save and invest for your
marriage, family and future? Have you started doing this?
3. Time management
a. Schedule : Are you able to maintain daily, weekly, monthly and annual schedules where you manage
how and where you invest your time.
b. Daily devotional time : Are you able to consistently maintain your daily devotional time with God?
c. Keep the Lord’s Day : Commitment to be at the local church every Sunday, and schedule all other
things around this.
d. Planning and goalsetting : Are you able to plan, set goals and work towards those goals?
e. Punctuality and keeping commitments : Are you able to maintain punctuality for work and other
scheduled events, or are you tardy, and habitually late to meetings and scheduled events? Do you
commit to doing things and not follow through on your commitments?
f. Maintain balance between work, family and Christian ministry : Discuss how you will plan to do
this together.
g. Planning for family : Set realistic goals for you and your family, e.g., when you would like to have
children, when you would like to invest in property, etc.
4. Household skills
a. Develop basic household skills that are needed for both the husband and wife to help take care of
the home and family, e.g. paying bills on time, cleaning rooms, making the bed, washing dishes,
cooking, doing laundry, grocery shopping, shopping for household items.
b. In most urban homes today, both the husband and wife tend to work professionally. This means
that both the husband and wife should also share in household responsibilities and the caring of
children. Hence, both husband and wife need household skills.
While none of us can be perfect in all of these areas, we should atleast have some amount of preparation
done and have things in good order, before entering into marriage.
There are professionals and experts from whom we can learn and get help in specific areas and we
should not hesitate to ask for help, at any point in time, before or after marriage.
15
4, Relationship Skills
Philippians 2:3-5 (GNB)
3
Don’tt do anything fr
Don’ om selfish ambition or fr
from om a cheap desir
from desiree to boast, bbut
ut be humble toward one another
toward another,, always
always
considering others better than yourselves.
4
And look out for one another’
another’ss interests, not just for your own.
interests,
5
The attitude you should have is the one that Christ Jesus had.
Marriage is a life-long relationship and hence requires that we have good skills necessary to establish
and develop a healthy relationship with our spouse. Proper verbal and non-verbal communication skills,
etiquette and manners, the ability to be flexible with roles and responsibilities, being considerate, tolerant,
patient, kind, gentle, and maintaining proper personal hygiene and cleanliness, all go into developing a
healthy relationship with your spouse. Prepare yourself in these areas and continue to develop and improve
yourself, and they will help strengthen your marriage relationship.
1. Communication
a. A common reason for frustration in marriage is a breakdown in communication. Communication
in a marriage is crucial to its success.
b. Understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses in this area. How can you improve? How can
the other person help you communicate better? What are your likes/dislikes with the other person’s
way of communicating?
c. How will either of you express your anger or dissatisfaction about something in your marriage
relationship?
d. Do you issue threats and ultimatums as a means to get your way or point across? Understand that
you are about to enter into a commitment for a lifetime. Marriage in not an experiment and divorce
is not an option.
2. Roles in marriage
a. Clearly define and understand each other’s roles in marriage. The husband is the head, but the wife
is a co-heir and must be heard and involved in decision-making.
b. How will responsibility be distributed for various things, e.g., to provide for the home, for the
spiritual growth of the family, for running of the home, for the bringing up of the children, etc.
c. Are you flexible? Are you a team player willing to step in and help your spouse with his or her
responsibilities when needed?
3. In-law relationships
a. Clearly define boundaries in your relationships with each other’s family members. The general
guideline is to maintain a “healthy distance” with family members. No family member must be
allowed to interfere with your marriage and decision-making. This is especially important if either
one comes from a home where parent(s) have been key decision-makers and the “umbilical cord”
has not been cut yet!
16
b. Will you be living with family members? If so, what guidelines can you set to ensure that others do
not intrude (knowingly or unknowingly) into your marriage?
5, Over
Overcoming Past Ab
ercoming use, T
Abuse, rauma and Neg
Trauma ativ
ativee Experiences
Negativ
Isaiah 43:18-19 (MSG)
18
But the LORD says, “Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago.
19
Watch
W atch for the new thing I am ggoing eady—you can see it now! I will make a rroad
already—you
oing to do. It is happening alr oad through the
through
wilderness and give you streams of water there.
Life brings with it unexpected and sometimes unpleasant experiences. Some of these leave us hurt and
wounded, emotionally and otherwise. God helps us overcome our past. He makes all things new. He brings
release from past abuse, trauma and hurts that have taken place in our lives. However, we must go to Him to
be made whole emotionally.
If we do not receive healing for past abuse and trauma, and instead carry these wounds and hurts into the
marriage, our spouse and marriage will suffer. Many incorrectly think that getting married will take care of
these unresolved issues.
1. Abuse
a. Have you been a victim of emotional or physical abuse? Has this negative experience been dealt
with? Are there any hurts, wounds or behaviors that stem from this abuse experience in your life?
b. Understand that no form of abuse—physical, mental or otherwise is acceptable within your
marriage. Make a commitment that under no circumstance will you resolve to abuse your spouse
or children.
2. Addictions (smoking/alcohol/drugs/gambling, etc.)
a. Are you bound to any form of addiction, those listed here or any other? You must make a decision
to receive freedom and renounce these before you enter into marriage.
3. Negative Home Environments and Experiences
a. Infidelity : Did you see unfaithfulness in your parent’s marriage? How did you react to this? You
cannot let this happen in your marriage.
b. Separation / Divorce : Were your parents separated or divorced? Separation and divorce must not
be something you anticipate in your marriage. These are last resort measures in the worst situations
and must not be a part of your thought or speech. Refuse to make such statements—“leave this
house now” or “get out of this house”, “I will divorce you” or “I will leave and go stay with on my
own”, etc.
c. Incorrect Models and learned behaviors : We usually tend to repeat what we have seen our parents
do. The wife tends to behave the way her mother behaved towards her spouse and her children.
The husband tends to follow his father’s behavior. If these were incorrect models and behavior
patterns that were detrimental, then these have to be unlearned. You will intentionally have to
17
unlearn what you have seen earlier and learn Biblical and healthy behavior patterns in relating to
your spouse and children.
d. Previous relationships : Have you been emotionally or even sexually involved with one or more
people before your wedding? Have you completely broken all forms of contact with these and
renounced all emotional affections towards them? Have your brought these sins under the redeeming
power of the cross of Jesus Christ? Have you embraced His forgiveness and are you completely
free from feelings of guilt and shame? When guilt gets a hold of you, it can make you feel like you
are trapped in a tunnel of despair. Feelings of anger or pain often lead to bitterness, and they can
keep you from attaining goals, achieving intimacy with others and finding peace. But past trauma
or suffering does not have to lead to a lifetime of failure.
6, Sexual Purity
Hebrews 13:4 (MSG)
4
Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against
casual and illicit sex.
1. Break free of all sexual addictions (pornography/masturbation/homosexuality/sexually explicit movies,

etc.)
a. Bring all your sexual appetites in submission to the Lordship of Christ. Keep your soul and body,
including your sexual passions, drive and desires pure by the power of His Word and His Spirit.
b. All your sexual needs are to be met within your marriage and by your spouse. You must make a
commitment not to look elsewhere – to other people or to other things for sexual fulfillment.
2. Sexual intimacy
a. Once you are married, you must learn to enjoy sex with your spouse as long as both of you are
physically able.
b. Sex was designed by God for enjoyment and fulfillment. It is a godly thing when performed within
the boundaries of marriage. You must learn to give yourself unreservedly to your spouse.
c. Do not withhold sex from your spouse and use it as a ‘weapon’ against your spouse.
7, Christian Maturity
Maturity,, Calling & Ministry
12
He did this to prepar
eparee all God’
prepar God’ss people for the work of Christian service, in order to bbuild
work uild up the body of Christ.
13
And so we shall all come together to that oneness in our faith and in our knowledge of the Son of God; we shall become
matur
maturee people, rreaching
eaching to the vvery
ery height of Christ’
Christ’ss full stature.
stature.
1. Spiritual growth
a. Marriage brings with it additional responsibilities. Plan how you will ensure your continued spiritual
growth after you enter into marriage.
b. Also try to discuss with your fiancé/spouse how you will help each other and your children (when
they come) grow spiritually.
18
2. Christian Calling
a. As believers, each one has a place and function in the Body of Christ. Share with the other what
you have come to understand as God’s calling on your life. How can the other help you fulfill that
calling?
b. Understand what is God’s calling for your fiancé/spouse. How can you help your fiancé/spouse
fulfill his/her calling?
c. Are there areas of your individual callings that are complementary—where you can work together
in doing things for God’s kingdom? This is very important, because together you can do a lot for
God’s kingdom. Determine these areas and develop ideas on how you can serve/minister together.
IMPOR
IMPORTTANT
If you are going through this material as part of your pre-marital preparation, please commit to doing the
following:
1. Spend quality time studying God’s Word and working through the lessons.
2. Engage in open, honest and constructive discussions with your fiancé.
3. Bring up any issues/problem areas and discuss them with your fiancé and your pre-marital counselor/
pastor.
4. Spend quality time in prayer alone and together with your fiancé.
5. Engagement period (Courtship) : Set guidelines and boundaries during this stage so that you will conduct
yourselves in an honorable way during this period with the primary focus on preparing yourselves the
best you can for your marriage.
6. Marital expectations : Share your expectations of marriage.
7. Preparing for marriage : Jointly develop a plan on how you will prepare yourselves for marriage (A) areas
that need to be addressed (B) areas where each one needs to grow, and hold each other accountable.
8. We recommend reading 1-2 good books on marriage. Purchase 2 copies of the same titles and read them
through. Share and discuss what you have learnt at the end of each chapter.
9. Purity boundaries : Make a commitment that both will maintain purity and stay within boundaries.
Godliness is not an option, but a command from the Lord.
19
20
A PPLIC ATION
1, Think through your own individual readiness in each of the seven areas of preparation. Rate yourself on
a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being unprepared and 5 being well prepared. Identify specific things you think you
need to work on as part of your preparation for marriage.
Preparation Area Preparedness Things that need to be

Rating work ed on
worked
TURNING POINT
Pray over the following for your own life
1, Ask God to give you the wisdom and understanding that you need to prepare well for your marriage.
2, If there are specific areas where you need God’s healing, deliverance or where you need to see God’s
intervening work in your life, take time to pray, and believe His promises for those areas. Speak and
declare your faith in God’s Word concerning those areas.
“God will perfect and complete what concerns me in every area of my life” (Psalm 138:8).
“I am God’s handiwork and He is shaping me and making me into what He wants me to be” (Ephesians 2:10).
“God who began a good work in me is continuing to do it and will complete what He started” (Philippians
1:6).
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ACTION ITEMS
1, Reach out for the help you need
If you feel you need the help of a professional/expert (e.g. financial advisor, skills coach), or a Christian
counselor or pastor in any of the seven areas of preparation, do not hesitate to reach out for help. Do this
before you get married.
2, Learning to live out of who you are in Christ.

One of the most powerful ways to receive healing and walk in emotional wholeness, and build yourself strong
emotionally, and overcome emotional challenges is to understand and live out of who you are in Christ. Who
you are in Christ is who you really are! This is truth. This is an established fact. Discovering this truth and
learning to walk in this will set you free and make you whole emotionally, completely. Pick up your fr ee copy
free
of the APC publication “Who W Wee Ar
Aree In Christ” and study it through
through
ough. Let this truth fill your heart and
mind.
3, We also recommend reading some of the following free APC publications if you feel there are unresolved
emotional issues and you need help:
• Ministering Healing & Deliverance (see chapter 12, on “Ministering Emotional Healing and
Wholeness”)
• Breaking Personal
and Generational
Bondages
• Laying The Ax To The
Root
• Living Life Without
Strife
All APC Publications are
available for free. You can
download PDF versions from
apcwo.org/publications or send
your postal address to
contact@apcwo.org and request
your free printed copies.
22
MAKING THE CHOICE

In this chapter, we consider some practical and Biblical guidance on making the choice of a life partner. We
realize that the context in which marriage takes place can vary across cultures, people and regions. Hence, we
understand that not everyone will be in a situation where they have the liberty or opportunity to apply all that
is presented in this chapter. There could be several parental, familial, societal constraints that prevent one
from applying one or more of these guidelines. In such situations, commit things to the Lord and trust Him to
work on your behalf in spite of the constraints you may find yourself in. God is always bigger than our
circumstances.
Four Realms of Compatibility

Genesis 2:24 (MSG) Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh.
Amos 3:3 (MSG) Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?
As we learnt in the previous chapter, marriage is a union of two lives, of two different individuals. This
union is a union at all three realms: spirit, soul and body. Marriage is also a place of agreement. Two can only
walk together if there is agreement. And hence, one of the important things to look for, as you go about
deciding on your life partner, is compatibility in all three realms: spirit, soul and body. Additionally, you
need to ask if there is compatibility in life’s calling.
By compatibility, we do not mean being an exact copy of each other. But rather, we mean the ability to be
at a place of agreement, the ability to be “yoked together”, so that both can walk together with unity and
strength for the rest of their lives. The fact is two individuals are different and you will not be an exact copy of
each other. However, in spite of your differences, are you able to come to a place of understanding, a place
where you are able to see your differences and commonalities as an opportunity to work together, and
complement each other.
Spiritual compatibility
For marriage, we would like to state that it is not sufficient that both partners considering marriage be believers.
While both being believers is necessary, we need to go a step further to ask if both the individuals have similar
commitment, passion and disciplines in their daily walk with God and in their life’s calling. Consider a young
man and young woman, both are believers in the Lord, but one is really passionate and has been growing
steadily in the faith, while the other is happy just being regular at church on Sundays and living a morally
upright life during the week. One would like to spend an hour or two in devotion time daily, and not only
attend Sunday services but also serve extra time at church on Sundays, be involved in small group meetings,
get involved in ministry, etc. While it may not happen in every situation, it is likely, that the differences in
23
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON THREE: MAKING THE CHOICE
spiritual passion could in itself become a place of contention. (Some of you reading this Manual, may already
be married and realize the incompatibility that may exist between you and your spouse in this area. Now that
you are married, please do not use this as an excuse to drift apart. Rather, recognize this difference and
patiently and peacefully work at growing together with God’s help and wisdom in this area. What we will learn
in later chapters in this Manual will help towards achieving this).
Emotional and intellectual compatibility

You also need to look for the ability to connect at a soul (mind, will, emotions, intellect) level. Are you able
to relate well emotionally and intellectually? Are there interests and areas where you can share, relate and
enjoy together? Is there a sense of mutual understanding and respect intellectually? Are you able to understand
each other’s emotions? Of course, this in itself is a life-long journey and you will not be able to know everything
about the other person at the very beginning. Also, people grow and change over time and we cannot predict
these changes. However, there should at least be a starting point, a common ground of emotional and intellectual
compatibility to start with, and you can look out for this. (Some of you reading this Manual, may already be
married and realize the incompatibility that may exist between you and your spouse in this area. Now that you
are married, please do not use this as an excuse to drift apart. Rather, recognize this difference and patiently
and peacefully work at growing together with God’s help and wisdom in this area. What we will learn in later
chapters in this Manual will help towards achieving this).
Physical compatibility
This has to do with being attracted to each other, appreciating and loving each other physically. So take this
into consideration as well. There is nothing wrong in being excited about physical beauty or appearance.
However, this must be kept at its rightful place and must not be the only reason you make a decision about
wanting to marry someone.
Compatibility in life’
life’ss calling
Another important area of compatibility is in life’s calling. What do either of you want to do in life? While we
will not know everything about the future, at least, in a general sense, there needs to be compatibility in what
each one recognizes as God’s calling and is intending to pursue. For example, if one wishes to be involved in
the corporate world, intending to settle in a large city while the other feels called to spend most of his/her life
serving people in a remote tribe or village somewhere, there definitely is an incompatibility in what they plan
on doing for the future. If these two people were to come together in marriage, one of them will have to give
up on their “calling” and this may lead to a lot of dissatisfaction, resulting in marital conflict. (Some of you
reading this Manual, may already be married and realize the incompatibility that may exist between you and
your spouse in this area. Now that you are married, please do not use this as an excuse to drift apart. Rather,
recognize this difference and patiently and peacefully work at growing together with God’s help and wisdom
in this area. What we will learn in later chapters in this Manual will help towards achieving this.)
Watch Out for Warning Signs

Warning
Proverbs 4:26 Ponder the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established.
An important guideline we would like to present, when you make the choice, is to look out for warning signs.
These are indicators that there could be potential problem areas and hence we recommend that if you do see
24
such signs, that these areas are addressed before marriage. Be thoughtful when making your choice and do
not let overwhelming emotions blind you to warning signs that may be so obvious.
Here are some things that you need to consider:
• Signs of immaturity : Does the person seem mature and ready for the responsibility of marriage and
family?
• Signs of lack of preparation : Has the person done initial preparatory work in getting ready for marriage?
Consider some of the 7 areas of preparation we discussed in the previous chapter.
• Signs of character weaknesses : Are there serious character weaknesses, e.g., addictions, emotional
issues, etc. that could be detrimental to a marriage?
• Signs of parental control : Are parents too controlling and interfering in the process?
• Signs of parental dependence : Is the person still dependent and attached to parents, in which case he/
she may give more importance to parents rather than to the spouse, after marriage?
• Get insight from parents and/or spiritual mentors : What do your parents or spiritual mentors think about
the person you are considering? Do they see any warning signs?
ou Expect? What Can YYou
What Do YYou Give?
ou Give?
Romans 14:5 (GNB) Some people think that a certain day is more important than other days, while others think that all days are
Wee each should firmly make up our own minds.
the same. W
James 1:8 He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
While neither of these two verses of Scripture are given in the context of marriage per se, they do
communicate to us, what God lays on us as our responsibility. In matters of personal choice where God has
given us the liberty to make our own choices, each one of us must firmly make up our own minds. Be firm
about this, because, being unsure or double-minded causes instability.
So also, as you prepare to make the choice of a life-partner, you need to be clear about the kind of
person you would like and have realistic expectations of your life partner and of your marriage and family. So
take some time to ponder and perhaps write down your thoughts on the following:
Q1 : What kind of spouse would you really like? What traits or qualities are really important to you? What
traits or qualities are nice but not critical?
25
Q2: What are your expectations of marriage? What kind of a home and family would you like to see built?
Keep this practical and realistic.
Remember, marriage is not all about what you can get. It involves what you can give or bring into your
marriage. So take time to reflect and perhaps write down your thoughts on the following:
Q3 : What traits and qualities can I bring into my marriage for the benefit of my spouse?
Q4 : How can I help toward building my marriage and, building a home and family that I would like to see, as
described in my response to Q2?
When answering these questions, be simple, honest, practical and real. Don’t delve into an imaginary fantasy
world.
26
Thinking through these questions will help bring clarity in your mind about the kind of person you need
to marry. It helps you have some sort of a framework that will help you in the decision-making process.
Is There an “Appointed One and Only?”

Genesis 24:1-15 (GNB)
1
Abraham was now very old, and the LORD had blessed him in everything he did.
2
He said to his oldest servant, who was in charge of all that he had, “Place your hand between my thighs and make a vow.
3
I want you to make a vow in the name of the LORD, the God of heaven and earth, that you will not choose a wife for my son
from the people here in Canaan.
4
YYou
ou m ust ggo
must o back to the country wher
wheree I was born and gget
was et a wife for my son Isaac from among my rrelativ
from elatives.”
elatives.”
5
But the servant asked, “What if the young woman will not leave home to come with me to this land? Shall I send your son
back to the land you came from?”
6
Abraham answered, “Make sure that you don’t send my son back there!
7
The LORD, the God of heaven, brought me from the home of my father and from the land of my relatives, and he solemnly
promised me that he would give this land to my descendants. He will send his angel before you, so that you can get a wife
there for my son.
8
If the young woman is not willing to come with you, you will be free from this promise. But you must not under any
circumstances take my son back there.”
9
So the serv ant put his hand betw
servant een the thighs of Abraham, his master
between master,, and made a vvow ow to do what Abraham had asked.
10
The serv ant, who w
servant, as in char
was chargge of Abraham’
Abraham’ss property
operty,, took ten of his master’
property master’ss camels and w ent to the city wher
went wheree Nahor had
lived in northern Mesopotamia.
11
When he arriv ed, he made the camels kneel down at the w
arrived, ell outside the city
well city.. It was late afternoon, the time when w
was omen
women
came out to ggetet water..
ater
water
12
He prayed, “LORD, God of my master Abraham, giv givee me success today and keep your pr promise master..
omise to my master
13
Heree I am at the w
Her well wheree the young w
ell wher women et w
omen of the city will be coming to gget ater..
ater
water
14
I will say to one of them, ‘Please, lower your jar and let me have a drink.’ If she says, ‘Drink, and I will also bring water for
your camels,’ may she be the one that you have chosen for your servant Isaac. If this happens, I will know that you have kept
your pr omise to my master
promise .”
master.”
15
Before he had finished praying, Rebecca arrived ....
The story of Abraham’s servant being sent to find a bride for Isaac, Abraham’s son, is an inspiring one,
especially for those who are single and in the process of looking for a life-partner. However, one of the
common questions that arise after reading what God did here is whether there is the one and only one
“appointed person” that God has ordained to be a life partner for an individual.
Here are some insights we would like to point out in this account.
Rebecca could have said ‘No’

We see this in verse 8, of Genesis 24, where Abraham’s servant recognizes the possibility that any woman
whom he went to ask to be a bride for Isaac could refuse to come.
Abraham’s servant went out in search for a bride and depended on God’s guidance. He had his way of
discerning God’s guidance.
27
Genesis 24: 21,26-27 (GNB)

21
The man kept watching her in silence, to see if the LORD had given him success.
26
Then the man knelt down and worshiped the LORD.
27
He said, “Praise the LORD, the God of my master Abraham, who has faithfully kept his promise to my master
promise master.. The LORD
has led me straight to my master’
master’ss rrelativ
elatives.”
elatives.”
Abraham’s servant did not sit at home and expect the bride to be ‘delivered’ at his front door. Rather he
went out to search for a bride. Also, he had his practical way of recognizing God’s guidance. For us, New
Testament believers, we understand that the Holy Spirit guides us in our spirit (Romans 8:14,16), and God has
called us to use our renewed minds to prove what is good, acceptable and pleasing to Him (Romans 12:2).
Abraham’s servant did not over-ride the choice and will of the bride’s family.

49
Now,, if you intend to fulfill your rresponsibility
Now esponsibility toward my master and tr
toward eat him fairly
treat fairly,, please tell me; if not, say so, and I will
decide what to do.”
50
Laban and Bethuel answered, “Since this matter comes from the LORD, it is not for us to make a decision.
51
Her
Heree is Rebecca; take her and ggo.o. Let her become the wife of your master’
master’ss son, as the LORD himself has said.”
In as much as Abraham’s servant recognized God’s hand of guidance, when he met Rebecca’s family, he
did not use “spiritual force” or “spiritual manipulation” to compel them to send Rebecca to become Isaac’s
wife. He let them make the decision and was still willing to take ‘No’ as an answer, if that was what they chose
to do.
Ultimately it was Rebecca’

was Rebecca’ss decision
54
Then Abraham’
Abraham’ss serv ant and the men with him ate and drank, and spent the night ther
servant e. When they ggot
there. ot up in the morning,
he said, “Let me ggoo back to my master
master.”.”
55
Rebecca’ss br
But Rebecca’ brother
other and her mother said, “Let her stay with us a w week
eek or ten days, and then she may ggo.”
o.”
56
“Don’tt make us stay
But he said, “Don’ stay.. The LORD has made my journey a success; let me ggo master.”
o back to my master .”
57
answer
They answ ered,
er “Let’ss call her and find out what she has to say
ed, “Let’ say.”
.”
58
So they called Rebecca and asked, “Do you w want
ant to ggo “Yes,”
o with this man?” “Y answer
es,” she answ ered.
ered.
59
So they let Rebecca and her old family servservant
ant ggo Abraham’ss serv
o with Abraham’ servant
ant and his men.
Ultimately, Rebecca had to make her choice. She had to decide if she wanted to say “Yes” or “No” to
Isaac. It is true that in some way, she must have had the peace and confidence to say “Yes”. In a way that
Rebecca would have understood, God had readied her heart to do so. Rebecca herself had to recognize this
and respond.
There are many others whom God has led differently

From the understanding we currently have, we believe that there are many people who can potentially
become your partner in life. With God’s guidance and using the wisdom and understanding He gives, you have
to make a choice of marrying one person. We do not believe that there is only one and only one person
appointed for your life as the one to be married to, and if you miss that person, your marriage is ruined
forever. What we believe is that once you have made the choice of marrying the person you think God is
28
guiding you to and who you discern as being best (most suitable) for you, both of you will now have to work
together to build a great marriage.
So in doing the seeking, you are not going about trying to find the “appointed” one for your life, but the
person you recognize as the one God is guiding you to and that you determine would be best (most suitable)
for you. The one that you choose with God’s guidance then becomes the one for you—your spouse for the rest
of your life.
Real life scenario

Consider a young man John who really likes a particular young lady Mary. Both are strong believers, mature in
the Lord and actively serving in their local church. John seems to have had many indications that Mary is the
“appointed one” for him and no one else. He has had dreams, visions, prophetic words, confirmations from
Scripture verses, encouragement from his peers, spiritual mentors and even the support of his parents about
marrying Mary. However, Mary seems unresponsive and does not feel the same toward John, and states that
she has had no direction from the Lord. Eventually, Mary marries some other believing young man. John also
moves on and later marries another young lady who is a believer. Does this mean they missed God? Does this
mean they cannot have happy marriages?
We must understand that the decision for marriage has to be mutual. If God is speaking to one person,
then He will also lead the other person in a similar manner. We cannot force what one person seems to be
hearing from God over another person’s will.
Even if we assume Mary did not hear God (or assume John was seriously mistaken), at the end God
honors our decision in marriage. Eventually, both have married in the Lord and before God. God will bless
both marriages. Both of them can have great marriages, because marriage is not just about finding the “right”
person, but about what you do on a day-to-day basis to build your marriage and grow in your relationship as
husband and wife. Both of them can still fulfill God’s purposes for their lives along with the person each
married, as they follow God.
Doing the Seeking

7
“Ask, and you will receive; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you.
8
For everyone who asks will receive, and anyone who seeks will find, and the door will be opened to those who knock.
9
W ould any of you who ar
Would aree fathers giv
givee your son a stone when he asks for bread?
bread?
10
Or would you give him a snake when he asks for a fish?
11
As bad as you are, you know how to give good things to your children. How much more, then, will your Father in heaven give
good things to those who ask him!
Proverbs 18:22 (MSG) Find a good spouse, you find a good life—and even more: the favor of GOD!
Proverbs 19:14 (GNB) A man can inherit a house and money from his parents, but only the LORD can give him a
sensible wife.
There is no perfect man, no perfect woman. So looking for a spouse is not about finding “Mr. Perfect” or
“Miss. Perfect”. They do not exist.
29
With what you have learned in this chapter, go about prayerfully, doing the asking, seeking, knocking,
while always trusting God that He will guide you to the right (most suitable) person for your life. Remember
that the “right” person God guides you to is not a “perfect” person. Like the rest of us, he or she is still a “work
in progress”. But what this chapter has given you are some guidelines with which you can do the seeking.
Depending on where you live, there are several channels where you can search for a life-partner. Begin
in your own local church community. As you engage and interact in your local church community, prayerfully
consider if there are people who may be suitable for you. Get the help of your local spiritual mentors and
leaders as well, in the search. You can also look wider, and connect with other local churches, or other
matrimonial facilitators such as websites, special programs and events, etc.There is nothing wrong in asking,
seeking and knocking on all available doors that you have access to. God works in many different ways in
directing and guiding our paths. Be open to how He desires to do it in your life and, when and whom He
guides you to.
Making the decision on the person you are going to marry is a combination of the leading of God’s
Spirit, following the instructions in God’s Word, and using sound judgment, wisdom and godly counsel. If you
will do your best to tap into all these, you can rest assured that you will be able to make the right decision.
Discerning God’
God’ss Guidance
Ephesians 5:17 Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
Romans 12:2 (GNB)

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that
good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Colossians 1:9 (GNB)

For this rreason
eason wwee hav
havee always prayed for you, ev
always er since w
ever wee heard about you. W
Wee ask God to fill you with the knowledg
knowledgee of
his will, with all the wisdom and understanding that his Spirit gives.
The Scriptures teach us to know, understand and walk in accordance to God’s will, guidance or direction
for our lives. The renewed mind is able to prove (reason through, understand) what is the good, acceptable
and perfect will of God. It also takes the wisdom and understanding given by the Holy Spirit to know God’s
will. So discerning God’s guidance involves both listening to His Holy Spirit and using our renewed minds,
that is, thinking through on things using the wisdom, understanding and revelation He has given to us in His
Word and by His Spirit.
As you seek to discern God’s guidance about whom you should marry we recommend taking the following
into consideration:
✓ Does this person have the traits and qualities that are important to me?
✓ Is there alignment and compatibility in all four realms?
✓ Is the person ready (prepared) or can this be addressed properly?
✓ Are there any warning signs and have these been adequately addressed?
✓ Is there a witness (leading) in your spirit given by the Holy Spirit? Do you have God’s peace about this?
30
✓ Are there any other external indicators where you have seen God’s hand at work in guiding you to this?
✓ Is it mutual? Are both ready to say ‘Yes’ to each other?
✓ Is there support and approval from parents? We realize that this may not be possible in all situations,
especially in cases where parents may not agree to the importance that you give to personal faith in the
Lord Jesus Christ.
✓ Is there support and approval from spiritual elders who oversee your life?
ou Ar
While YYou Aree in Waiting
Waiting
Romans 12:12 (GNB) Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.
Hebrews 11:1 (GNB) To hav

To havee faith is to be sur
suree of the things w
wee hope for
for,, to be certain of the things w
wee cannot see.
For some of us the search for a life-partner may take some time. You are waiting and looking out for a
life-partner. This time of waiting till you find your life-partner is not always easy. Continue in hope. Do not let
go even if the search takes longer than what others may experience. Stay joyful. You can be joyful because of
the hope you have in your heart. This hope also propels faith in God. Keep faith alive in your heart that God
will help you find your life-partner.
Continue to do what you need to be doing in this season of life. Stay busy with what God has given you
to do. Spend your time developing yourself, becoming the right person, growing in God’s call and purpose for
your life. Don’t be passive or sit idly around saying that you are “waiting”. Waiting time is not a time of
inactivity, but a time to be engaged in what God has placed in your hands to do now, while you look forward
to what He has promised.
Marriag
Marriagee Is Mor
Moree than the Wedding
Wedding
The wedding ceremony is the big event where you and your fiancé will come before God and people to
exchange your vows and be united in marriage. It is the start of your married life. While there can be a lot of
excitement, planning, preparation and work that needs to go into the details of having the wedding, don’t
forget that marriage is more than the wedding. In all the busyness of preparing for the wedding, don’t forget to
take time to prepare yourself for the marriage—the life that the two of you will live together, for many years
after the wedding.
Marriag
Marriagee Is Mor inding the Right PPerson
Moree than FFinding erson
Proverbs 24:3-4 (GNB)
3
Homes are built on the foundation of wisdom and understanding.
4
Where there is knowledge, the rooms are furnished with valuable, beautiful things.
Once you have decided on the person you are going to marry, take time to prepare yourselves for your
marriage. Take time and effort to do this. Don’t rush into marriage. Study this manual on “Marriage and
Family” together, as part of your preparation. Pay special attention to things presented in chapter 2 on preparing
for marriage. Take time to discuss and talk through the 7 areas that have been listed in that chapter. Get all the
help you need from pastors, counselors and mentors as you prepare yourself. Be prepared emotionally. Be
31
prepared financially. Discuss long-term goals. Discuss major changes that you may make after marriage.
Discuss relationship with parents on both sides. Discuss your involvement in Christian ministry. Discuss
potential problem areas – personal habits, preferences, lifestyle standards and how you plan to handle these.
ag
Engag
The Eng ement PPeriod
agement eriod
We realize that in some cases, there can be a duration of several months, after you formally decide to marry
a particular person, to the wedding day. In some cases, there can be a formal engagement, while in other
cases, only a decision is made and approved by parents, but no formal engagement happens. Either way, here
are some important guidelines during this period, from the time you have made your choice to the day of your
wedding.
No sex befor
beforee marriage! Just say ‘No!’
marriage!
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (MSG)
3
God wwants puree life. Keep yourselv
livee a pur
ants you to liv es fr
yourselves om sexual pr
from omiscuity
omiscuity..
promiscuity
4
appreciate
Learn to appr givee dignity to your body
eciate and giv body,,
5
not abusing it, as is so common among those who know nothing
of God.
Hebrews 13:4 (MSG)

Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy
between wife and husband. God draws a firmline against casual
and illicit sex.
Refrain from all forms of sexual encounters during

this time. You will have the rest of your life, after marriage,
to enjoy each other! So you can wait.
Slogans from Josh McDowell Ministries:
I make lifelong decisions with my head, not my hormones.

Anybody can, but a man can wait.
Higher standards for those in ministry
James 3:1 (GNB)
My friends, not many of you should become teachers. As you know,
we teachers will be judged with greater strictness than others.
1 Timothy 4:12 (GNB)

Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but
be an example for the believers in your speech, your conduct, your
lov e, faith, and purity
love, purity..
For young people who are serving in their local church or

ministry, we encourage you to hold yourself to higher and
stricter standards of behavior and conduct. Your lives have
to be examples. Be role models for those who are younger
than you. They are watching and learning from what they see in you.
32
Until you are married, you are NOT married

Don’t “play” married. You do not have a right to each others’ time, money, body, future, etc. until you actually
do get married. Don’t make your pre-marital relationship, even if you are engaged, a crutch. Stand on your
own feet. Spend time with other people. Don’t let your entire life revolve around the relationship. When you
see warning signs, don’t be afraid to address them. If things are not properly resolved, seriously consider
breaking off the engagement. It is better to go through breaking up a pre-marital relationship (engagement)
than to live through a bad marriage for the rest of your life.
Some signs that a break-up of an engagement may be necessary:
✓ The other person becomes controlling, manipulative, abusive, etc.

✓ One person becomes emotionally dependent on the other.
✓ Consistently failing in carrying responsibility, maintaining a job, keeping commitments, etc.
✓ Big differences become visible, e.g., in spiritual maturity, passion for God, etc.
✓ Character problems, e.g., addictions, etc.
✓ Disapproval of parents / spiritual mentors
Am I Called to be Single?
We have been exploring the truth about marriage and God’s instructions to something He designed. It is right
for you to consider that God wants you to be married and have a blessed marriage and home. This is part of
the Genesis Commission given to the entire human race in Genesis 1, when God spoke over Adam and Eve
and said, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth...” (Genesis 1:28). However, we also understand that in some
cases marriage may not be the path one takes in life. We share a few insights presented in Scripture concerning
singleness.
Singleness could be a choice you make for Kingdom purposes

Matthew 19:11-12 (MSG)
11
But Jesus said, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t
for everyone.
12
Some, fr om birth seemingly
from seemingly,, never giv
never givee marriag
marriagee a thought. Others nev er gget
never et asked—or accepted. And some decide not to
get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.”
While there could be various reasons why a person may choose to remain single, the Lord Jesus pointed
out that some may decide not to get married for Kingdom reasons. Maybe they would choose to devote the
entirety of their time to pursuing a specific calling for God’s Kingdom and hence choose to remain single.
Singleness is a gift—you are empowered for a life of celibacy

1 Corinthians 7:7-9,28 (MSG)
7
Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than
marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.
8
I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me.
33
9
But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of
marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.
28
But ther e’
e’ss certainly no sin in ggetting
there’ etting married, whether you’r
you’ree a virgin or not. All I am saying is that when you marry
virgin marry,, you take
on additional stress in an already stressful time, and I want to spare you if possible.
The apostle Paul remained single. However, he does explain that the ability to do so is a gift, an empowering
that comes from God. And yet, not everyone is empowered to be celibate and hence there is no sin in getting
married.
Singleness is a choice you make to focus on spiritual pursuits

1 Corinthians 7:32-38 (MSG)
32
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you’re unmarried, you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing
the Master
Master..
33
Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse,
34
leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and
nurturing each other
other,, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God.
35
I’m trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder harder.. All I w ant is for you to be able to
want
develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.
36
If a man has a w oman friend to whom he is loy
woman al bbut
loyal ut nev er intended to marry
never marry,, having decided to serv servee God as a “single,” and
then chang es his mind, deciding he should marry her
changes her,, he should ggo
o ahead and marry
marry.. It’
It’ss no sin; it’
it’ss not ev
evenen a “step down”
from celibacy
from celibacy,, as some say
say..
37
On the other hand, if a man is comfortable in his decision for a single life in service to God and it’ it’ss entir
entirely
ely his own
conviction and not imposed on him by others, he ought to stick with it.
38
Marriag
Marriagee is spiritually and morally right and not inferior to singleness in any w ay
ay,, although as I indicated earlier
way earlier,, because of
the times we live in, I do have pastoral reasons for encouraging singleness.
Marriage brings with it a host of family responsibilities. Hence, some may be convinced to choose a life
of singleness in order to focus their attention on pursuing God and living a life of service to God. Marriage
although having its responsibilities, is in no way an inferior way of life than singleness.
How can you tell if you are called to a life of singleness? Ask yourself these questions:
• Do you feel you are empowered and have the strength to remain single for the rest of your life?
• Do you feel that there is a specific Kingdom calling for which if you did get married, you would not be
able to pursue freely, while doing what is needed to nurture a marriage and family?
• Do you feel that you are in a place where you would want to devote all your available time and energies
to pursuing a life of service to God, and any desire for a wife and family can be laid aside?
If in all honesty and with all confidence you can answer with a “Yes” to these questions, then it is likely that you
could consider a life of singleness. Otherwise, proceed to praying about getting married and do the best to
prepare yourself for a married life.
34
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
If you have not done so already, take some time to thoughtfully and prayerfully write your thoughts down to the
following questions. Listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit as you write.
1, What kind of spouse would you really like? What traits or qualities are really important to you? What
traits or qualities are nice but not critical?
2, What are your expectations of marriage? What kind of a home and family would you like to see built?
Keep this practical and realistic.
3, What traits and qualities can I bring into my marriage for the benefit of my spouse?
35
4, How can I help toward building my marriage and building a home and family that I would like to see, as
described in my response to Q2?
5, What do I sense is God’s direction for my life in the near future? What kind of things would I be doing
professionally and for the church/ministry in the next 5 years?
TURNING POINT
Pray Over the following for your own life
1, Pray and in faith ask God for a spouse that you really would like and someone with whom you can fulfill
God’s purposes for both your lives? Remember the promise of the Lord Jesus: “For this reason I tell you:
When you pray and ask for something, believe that you have received it, and you will be given whatever
you ask for” (Mark 11:24 GNB).
2, According to Mark 11:23, now speak your faith. Release your faith with words that you speak, and call
forth the kind of spouse you desire and call forth the fulfilling of God’s purposes for your life.
36
A CTION I TEM
1, If you have not done so already, and you feel that the time is right, start doing the “asking, seeking,
knocking.” Prepare a short profile of yourself. Share that with your pastor/local church, other spiritual
leaders who could help you. You can consider using Christian matrimonial sites where you can post your
profile.
37
38
UNDERSTANDING ROLES: HUSB

NDERSTANDING AND
USBAND AND WIFE
In this chapter, we seek to examine a few Scripture passages that provide specific instructions on the role of
the husband and wife toward each other, toward their marriage and family. These are instructions given to us
by God, the Designer of marriage and family. Our objective in this chapter is to understand what God expects
of the husband and wife, and learn to celebrate our different roles.
Equals, Joint-Heirs and Interdependent

1 Peter 3:7 (MSG)
The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some
of your adv antag
advantag es. But in the new life of God’
antages. race, you’r
God’ss ggrace, Trreat your wiv
you’ree equals. T es, then, as equals so your prayers don’
wives, don’tt
run aground.
We begin first of all by establishing the truth that in marriage, the husband and wife are equals and joint-
heirs before God in all spiritual gifts and graces He releases. This means that neither the husband nor wife
should consider themselves in better standing before God because of their spirituality or some spiritual
status he/she thinks they have earned. Not only are we to look at each other as equals, but must also treat each
other as equals.
1 Corinthians 11:11-12 (GNB)

11
howev
In our life in the Lord, howev er,, w
ever
er oman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of w
woman oman.
woman.
12
For as woman was made from man, in the same way man is born of woman; and it is God who brings everything into
existence.
We have listed just two verses (vs. 11, 12) from a larger passage in 1 Corinthians 11, dealing with head-
covering for women and God’s government, which we will not discuss here. However, verses 11, 12 summarize
the essence of what is being stated. These two verses emphasize the fact that God has designed the husband
and wife to be interdependent. This means that “Neither man nor woman can go it alone or claim priority.” (vs.
11 MSG). One of the joys of marriage is the willingness or opportunity to draw from each other’s strengths and
support each other’s weaknesses.
A challeng
challengee for men
The idea of being co-equal, joint-heirs and being interdependent is challenging for many men who come from
social or cultural backgrounds where in some subtle way men are trained to consider women as inferior.
Some men may consider it a matter of pride not to seek help, assistance and support from a woman, in this
case, their own wife. However, as men, we must change our thinking and align ourselves to what the Scriptures
teach us.
39
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON FOUR: UNDERSTANDING ROLES: HUSBAND AND WIFE
A Divine Parallel : Christ and His Church

Ephesians 5:21-33 (MSG)
21
espect for Christ, be courteously rrev
Out of rrespect ev er
ever ent to one another
erent another..
22
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.
23
The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing cherishing..
24
So just as the church submits to Christ as He exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
25
church—aa love marked by giving, not getting
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church— getting..
26
Christ’ss lov
Christ’ lovee makes the chur
church
ch whole. His wwords evoke
ords ev beauty.. Ev
oke her beauty Everything
erything he does and says is designed to bring the best
her,,
out of her
27
dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.
28
And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in
marriage.
29
No one ab abuses body,, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’
uses his own body That’ss how Christ tr eats us, the chur
treats ch,
church,
30
since wwee ar
aree part of his body
body..
31
And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.”
32
hugee mystery
This is a hug mystery,, and I don’
don’tt pr
pretend clearest
etend to understand it all. What is clear way
est to me is the w ay Christ trtreats church.
eats the chur ch.
33
And this pr ovides a ggood
provides ood pictur
picturee of how each husband is to trtreat wife,, loving himself in loving her
eat his wife her,, and how each wife
is to honor her husband.
Colossians 3:18-19 (GNB)

18
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, for that is what you should do as Christians.
19
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
1 Peter 3:1-9 (MSG)

1
The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who,
indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated
2
by your life of holy beauty
beauty..
3
What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair hair,, the jew elry you w
jewelry ear
wear ut your
ear,, the cut of your clothes— bbut
inner disposition
disposition..
4
Cultiv ate inner beauty
Cultivate beauty,, the gentle
entle,, gracious kind that God delights in.
5
The holy w omen of old w
women er
eree beautiful befor
wer beforee God that w ay
ay,, and w
way er
eree good
wer ood,, loy al wiv
loyal es to their husbands.
wives
6
Sarah, for instance, taking carcaree of Abraham, w ould addr
would ess him as “my dear husband.” YYou’ll
address ou’ll be true daughters of Sarah if
same,, unanxious and unintimidated
you do the same unintimidated..
7
The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some
of your adv antag
advantag es. But in the new life of God’
antages. God’ss ggrace,
race, you’r
you’ree equals. Treat your wiv es, then, as equals so your prayers don’
wives, don’tt
run aground.
8
Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble.
9
That ggoes
oes for all of you, no exceptions. No rretaliation.
etaliation. No sharp-tongued sar casm. Instead, bless—that’
sarcasm. bless—that’ss your job, to bless.
You’ll be a blessing and also gget et a blessing.
Ephesians 5:21-33 is a powerful passage that describes how husbands and wives ought to relate to one another
and sets a high standard when comparing this relationship with Christ and His Church. The passage in 1 Peter
3:1-9 reflects much of what is said in Ephesians 5.
If God has set this standard for us as husbands and wives, then God will also empower us to do this, if we are
willing and desiring to do so. “Because God is always at work in you to make you willing and able to obey his
40
own purpose.” (Philippians 2:13 GNB). So as husbands and wives, we should desire to grow into what God
has set as His standards for us and He will enable us to do so.
Let us summarize as succinctly as possible, the key aspects of the role of the husband and that of the
wife, from these two passages.
Husband’s role and responsibility

1. Love as Christ loves
• Love with the God-kind of love (“agape love”), unconditional love, love that loves without expecting
anything in return. Love that is faithful, steady, committed and unwavering.
• 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 describes the characteristics of agape love.
• This kind of love leads to sacrificial action involving self-denial.
• This kind of love leads to the building-up and enriching of the wife.
2. Nourish your wife
• To nurture, encourage, enable and empower her to grow so that she can become all that God
intends for her.
• Nourish (nurture) by feeding and supplying for her spiritual, emotional and other needs.
3. Cherish your wife
• To hold her as a valued gift, a special treasure from God
i. A wife feels cherished when her husband communicates with her
ii. A wife feels cherished when there is romance (not just sex) in the relationship
iii. A wife feels cherished when her husband is trustworthy
iv. A wife feels cherished when her husband makes her load lighter not heavier
v. A wife feels cherished when her husband sets a godly example in the pursuit of God
4. Lead as the head of the marriage
• Leadership in marriage is based on divine placement, not superior abilities. In God’s government,
the husband has been placed as the “head” and authority over the wife in order to provide loving
leadership for the wife and the family.
• Leadership in marriage is based on Christ’s example, not society.
• Leadership involves taking responsibility for the family, in providing for the family, meeting needs,
decision-making, guiding, etc.
• A husband is called to be a loving leader rather than a dictatorial monarch over his wife. You earn
your wife’s following by being a man of strong moral character, compassion and competence.
• The husband being the head or leader does not mean that he is always right. Husbands must walk
in humility with the understanding that in decision-making the wife has equal say, must take her
points of view into consideration, and where her idea is superior or right, the husband must
acknowledge and go with that. Hence, the Scriptures teach us all to be submissive to one another
(Ephesians 5:21).
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5. Know your wife, what pleases her, what displeases her, her strengths, her weaknesses, her preferences, her
emotions, her dreams, her pursuits.
6. Honor your wife, respect her and celebrate her for who she is and the gifts and grace she carries.
HUSBAND, WRITE ONE OR TWO PRACTIC AL W

PRACTICAL AYS YYOU
WA OU C AN DO THESE FOR YYOUR
CAN OUR WIFE
LOVE NOURISH CHERISH
LEAD KNOW HONOR
Wife’
Wife’ss rrole
ole and rresponsibility
esponsibility
1. Love your husband
• Love is an heart attitude of unconditional acceptance
i. The word phileo is used, meaning to be your husband’s best friend, be a companion suited for
him (Titus 2:4, Genesis 2:20)
ii. Accept him as he is— —his imperfections, his thoughts, his failures, etc.. This acceptance is not
based on performance but on his worth as God’s gift to you.
• — demonstrated through your priority, focus, availability, willingness to
Love is sacrificial action—
listen, etc.
• Love is physical responsiveness
2. Submit to your husband
• Submitting or yielding to your husband demonstrates support and recognition to his God-appointed
role as “head” over the marriage and family.
• When you support, you complete or complement without competing
• Submission to your husband means:
i. You are being obedient to God and to His Word
ii. You are freeing your husband to take His God-appointed place as the leader by coming under
his leadership
iii. You are empowering your husband to lead by encouraging him through your willing submission
• Submission to your husband does not mean:
i. To be inferior
ii. To lose your identity or individuality
iii. Blind obedience, allow yourself to feel used, abused, etc.
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3. Respect your husband

• It means to voluntarily lift up another person (“I honor you”)
• It involves understanding and appreciation (“I appreciate you”)
i. Understand and appreciate the weight of his responsibilities
ii. Understand and appreciate his uniqueness and differences as a man
• It involves providing the encouragement he needs (“I believe in you”)
• It involves showing admiration (“I am proud of you”)
4. Help your husband by assisting, supporting and encouraging what he does (Genesis 2:20)
WIFE, WRITE DOWN ONE OR TWO PRACTIC AL W

PRACTICAL AYS YYOU
WA OU C AN DO THESE FOR YYOUR
CAN OUR HUSBAND
LOVE SUBMIT RESPECT HELP
While we know that none of us are ‘perfect’ as husband or wife, God has given each a role in marriage. He has
described how we should conduct ourselves in marriage. Our desire should be to continuously grow into
being the kind of spouse God desires us to be, in spite of our own personal limitations and flaws, that we
began with.
As each spouse develops in fulfilling their role in marriage, the marriage progresses towards oneness.
Becoming one will become a possibility!
43
Love.... Some practical ways I could express this to my spouse
Real life scenario on submission

What if the husband is making a decision for the family (e.g. buying property, career change, relocation
etc.) but the wife feels that he is making a wrong decision. However, the husband is not willing or unable to see
the wife’s perspective and intends to go ahead with his decision. The decision the husband plans to make is
not “Scripturally wrong” but seems wrong from a practical standpoint. The wife is very concerned that if the
husband were to proceed, the entire family will face serious consequences. Should the wife remain submissive
even in a situation like this? How should the wife respond?
We can address this from the spiritual and practical stand point. Spiritually, the wife is instructed to
submit to the husband. Submission is to yield. It is an act of HONOR and TRUST. When the wife submits to
the husband, she is not only honoring him, but honoring God who has placed the husband in her life and has
called the wife to submit to the husband. Also, when the wife submits, she has done what she can, but now she
44
yields to the husband and places her trust in the Lord to keep her family through, even if the decision to be
made by the husband seems wrong. From a practical standpoint, the wife could gently and lovingly suggest
that both of them meet and get the advice of an expert in this area where the decision is about to be made. For
example, if it is a decision about buying a property, they could meet with a trustworthy and reliable real-estate
expert, who will be able to give unbiased advice on the matter. Following this, a final decision can be made by
the husband.
Responsibilities at Home and for the Family

The following Scripture passages describe specifically those involved in the local church community and the
standards and conduct they must follow. We present these here, because these in some way apply to all of us
believers as we may presently or will eventually engage in the life of the local church community in one way or
another.
1 Timothy 3:1-13 (GNB)

1
This is a true saying: If a man is eager to be a chur
eager ch leader
church leader,, he desires an excellent w
desires ork.
work.
2
A chur ch leader m
church ust be without fault; he m
must ust hav
must havee only one wife, be sober
sober,, self-contr olled, and orderly; he m
self-controlled, ust w
must elcome
welcome
strangers in his home; he must be able to teach;
3
he must not be a drunkard or a violent man, but gentle and peaceful; he must not love money;
4
he must be able to manage his own family well and make his children obey him with all respect.
5
FFor
or if a man does not know how to manag
managee his own family
family,, how can he take carcaree of the church of God?
church
6
He must be mature in the faith, so that he will not swell up with pride and be condemned, as the Devil was.
7
He should be a man who is respected by the people outside the church, so that he will not be disgraced and fall into the
Devil’
Devil’ss trap.
8
Church helpers must also have a good character and be sincere; they must not drink too much wine or be greedy for money;
9
they should hold to the revealed truth of the faith with a clear conscience.
10
They should be tested first, and then, if they pass the test, they are to serve.
11
Their wives also must be of good character and must not gossip; they must be sober and honest in everything.
12
A church helper must have only one wife, and be able to manage his children and family well.
13
Those helpers who do their work well win for themselves a good standing and are able to speak boldly about their faith in
Christ Jesus.
1 Timothy 5:8 (GNB) But if any do not take car

caree of their rrelativ
elatives, especially the members of their own family
elatives, family,, they hav
havee denied
aree w
the faith and ar orse than an unbeliev
worse er
er..
unbeliever
Titus 1:6-9 (GNB)

6
an elder must be without fault; he must have only one wife, and his children must be believers and not have the reputation
of being wild or disobedient.
7
FFor
or since a chur
church chargge of God’
ch leader is in char God’ss work, he should be without fault. He m
work, ust not be arr
must ogant or quick-
arro
temper ed, or a drunkard or violent or ggrreedy for money
tempered, money..
8
He m must lovee what is ggood.
ust be hospitable and lov ood. He mmust self-controlled,
ust be self-contr holy,, and disciplined.
olled, upright, holy
9
He must hold firmly to the message which can be trusted and which agrees with the doctrine. In this way he will be able to
encourage others with the true teaching and also to show the error of those who are opposed to it.
Titus 2:1-6 (GNB)

1
But you must teach what agrees with sound doctrine.
2
sober,, sensible, and self-contr
Instruct the older men to be sober olled; to be sound in their faith, lov
self-controlled; e, and endurance.
love,
3
In the same way instruct the older women to behave as women should who live a holy life. They must not be slanderers or
slaves to wine. They must teach what is good,
45
4
in order to train the younger women to love their husbands and children,
5
to be self-controlled and pure, and to be good housewives who submit themselves to their husbands, so that no one will
speak evil of the message that comes from God.
6
In the same way urge the young men to be self-controlled.
We will attempt to capture in a simple tabular form key points presented in these passages, specifically those
that deal with role and responsibilities at home and family:
Husband : role and responsibilities Wife : role and responsibilities
Enjoying Sex
1
Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, is it a good thing to have sexual relations?
2
Certainly—but
Certainly—b It’ss ggood
ut only within a certain context. It’ havee a wife, and for a w
ood for a man to hav woman havee a husband. Sexual
oman to hav
drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a
world of sexual disorder
disorder..
3
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her
husband.
4
Marriag
Marriagee is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriag
Marriagee is a decision to serv
servee the other
other,, whether in bed or out.
5
Abstaining fr om sex is permissible for a period of time if you both ag
from agrree to it, and if it’
it’ss for the purposes of prayer and
fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least
expect it.
6
I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.
We will cover “Sex and Sexuality” in greater detail in a later chapter. We are presenting this here briefly
to point out that part of being married is the joy of sexual union between the husband and wife. Part of the role
of the husband and wife involves sexual intimacy. The Scriptures encourage us to:
✓ Maintain a balanced and fulfilling sex life (vs. 2).

✓ Sex must be enjoyed with mutuality, each seeking to satisfy the other (vs. 3).
✓ Sex is an opportunity for the husband and wife to enjoy each other’s bodies and must not be used as a
way to “hold something back” (vs. 4). Do not use your body as a weapon against your spouse by withholding
sex.
✓ The husband and wife can agree to abstain from sex for a short period of time for prayer and fasting
(vs. 5).
46
✓ The devil uses the areas of sexuality as an area of attack, and hence we need to be on guard in this area.
Enjoying a fulfilling sex life in one important way to keep the husband and wife secure in this area. (vs. 5).
irtuous W
Virtuous
The V oman and Her Husband
Woman
10
How hard it is to find a capable wife! She is worth far more than jewels!
11
Her husband puts his confidence in her her,, and he will nev
never poor..
er be poor
12
As long as she lives, she does him good and never harm.
13
She keeps herself busy making wool and linen cloth.
14
She brings home food from out-of-the-way places, as merchant ships do.
15
She gets up before daylight to prepare food for her family and to tell her servant women what to do.
16
She looks at land and buys it, and with money she has earned she plants a vineyard.
17
worker
She is a hard w orker,, str
orker strong
ong and industrious.
18
She knows the value of everything she makes, and works late into the night.
19
She spins her own thread and weaves her own cloth.
20
She is ggener
enerous
enerous to the poor and needyneedy..
21
She doesn’t worry when it snows, because her family has warm clothing.
22
She makes bedspreads and wears clothes of fine purple linen.
23
Her husband is well known, one of the leading citizens.
24
She makes clothes and belts, and sells them to merchants.
25
She is strong and respected and not afraid of the future.
26
She speaks with a gentle wisdom.
27
She is alw ays bbusy
always family’ss needs.
usy and looks after her family’
28
children
Her childr en show their apprappreciation, her..
eciation, and her husband praises her
29
He says, “Many women are good wives, but you are the best of them all.”
30
Charm is deceptive and beauty disappears, but a woman who honors the LORD should be praised.
31
Give her credit for all she does. She deserves the respect of everyone.
A lot has been said about the Proverbs 31 wife and most men pray to have such a wife. Surely the
description of the wife in Proverbs 31 is that of someone who is truly outstanding. A wife who is able to take
care of her husband, her children, her home, her workers at home and also engages profitably in work outside
the home.
It is also important to note the Proverbs 31 husband and what this passage states about him and the children:
✓ Her husband puts his confidence in her (vs. 11).

✓ Her husband is well known, one of the leading citizens (vs. 23). This means he is doing his part well
outside the home.
✓ Her children show their appreciation (vs. 28).
✓ Her husband praises her (vs. 28) by saying “Many women are good wives, but you are the best of them
all.” (vs. 29).
✓ Give her credit for all she does (vs. 31).
✓ She deserves the respect of everyone (vs. 31).
For my wife to be a Proverbs 31 wife, I will have to be a Proverbs 31 husband.
47
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, Dr. Gary Chapman, wrote the book “The Five Love Languages”, where he describes five different ways
that people could express love, and feel love expressed to them.
HOW DO YOU EXPRESS LOVE : THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
WORDS GIFTS SERVICE TIME TOUCH
ds of affirmation
ords
Wor Receiving gifts A cts of ser vice Quality time Physical touch
For more information please read “The five love languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman
(Also see: www.5lovelanguages.com)
2, The Love Language Quiz

Below is a quiz adapted from Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages.” It is designed to help you to
understand the love language in which you best receive (and give) love.The Love Language Quiz consists of 30
pairs of statements. Choose ONE statement in each pair—the one that best represents your desire and circle
the alphabet you select. Make sure you’re only choosing one!
49
50
Now that you’re finished, count the number of times you wrote down each letter. One of them should seem
more dominant than the others. That one will be your love language.
51
Mostly A ’s: Words of A

ords ffirmation
Affirmation
Mostly B’s: Quality Time

Time
Mostly C ’s: Receiving Gifts
Mostly D ’s: Acts of Ser vice

Service
Mostly E ’s: Physical Touch

Touch
3, Discuss together who does what in your marriage/home. For instance, you could work through a practical
list given below. Please add/edit it. Of course, you do this with the understanding that you are a team, so
if one person is not able to do something that they normally do, the other steps in to help. Please assign
by putting a tick (“). Some tasks may be shared and some of these may be outsourced.
TASK HUSBAND WIFE OUTSIDE HELP
TURNING POINT
1, Lord please empower me to be the kind of husband/wife you have called me to be. (Now pray specifically
for the 6 or 4 areas that we discussed for the husband/wife asking God to empower you to do these).
2, Review what you have written as things you can do to practically demonstrate the 15 aspects of the God-
kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13. Pray over these that God will empower you to walk in this kind
of love toward your spouse.
52
ACTION ITEM
Follow through on the ‘who does what’ list for your marriage/home. Do this consistently and cheerfully, to
bless your marriage and family.
53
54
ATTITUDES, TEMPERAMENT AND BEHAVIOR

EHAVIOR
When the husband and wife interact, make decisions and live together, over an extended period of time, their
attitudes and temperament play a vital role in determining how their relationship develops. As we relate to
each other, what we are predominantly encountering is the other person’s attitudes, temperament and behavior
being expressed in various situations. A person may have great skills, as well as intellectual and other capabilities,
but all these come packaged in that person’s attitudes, temperament and behavior. Similarly, a person may
have great looks, appearance, charm and charisma, but all these come along with that individual’s attitudes
and temperament. We cannot separate them.
By attitudes and temperament we refer to the way a person thinks, perceives, behaves and reacts. Essentially
we are dealing with the mental and emotional traits of a person expressed through their communication and
action.
When two individuals with different attitudes and temperament face the same situation, the way each one
would THINK, PERCEIVE, ACT and COMMUNICATE would greatly differ.
So in the context of marriage and family, this brings up two challenges:
1, Personal : the need to ensure that the way I think, perceive, act and communicate is healthy and contributes
positively to my marriage and family.
2, Inter-P
Inter-Personal : the need to understand how my spouse thinks, perceives, acts and communicates in
-Personal
varied situations, so that I understand my spouse correctly.
Ultimately, we must face up to the fact that negative attitudes and behaviors can be detrimental to the marriage
relationship. Negative emotions, attitudes and behaviors need to be addressed, and as individuals we need to
develop Christ-like attitudes, a Spirit-controlled temperament, and Word-governed behavior.
In Chapter 2, as part of “Preparing for Marriage”, we stressed the need to be in good emotional health.
We also listed several negative emotional attitudes and behaviors that need to be addressed, if any were
present. In this chapter, we look at the Biblical antidote to negative attitudes and behaviors.
Christ-like Attitude
As believers we are called to grow up into Christ-likeness (Ephesians 4:13) and walk as Christ walked (1 John
2:6). This applies to our marriage as well, in how we relate to our spouse and children. We must be Christ-
like.
55
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON FIVE: ATTITUDES, TEMPERAMENT AND BEHAVIOR
We are called to have the same attitude as Christ.

3
always
4
interests,
5
The attitude you should have is the one that Christ Jesus had:
6
He always had the nature of God, but he did not think that by force he should try to remain equal with God.
7
Instead of this, of his own free will he gave up all he had, and took the nature of a servant. He became like a human being
and appeared in human likeness.
8
He was humble and walked the path of obedience all the way to death— his death on the cross.
In the Philippians 2:3-8 context we are called to have attitudes of selflessness, humility, sacrifice, giving
preference to others, looking out for the other’s interests, not self-centered, servant-hood, not holding on to
what was or is our own or our own rights.
Similarly, in several other places in Scripture we are encouraged to maintain positive, godly, Christ-like
attitudes, as believers. Here are some examples:
Ephesians 5:20 (GNB) In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, alw
always givee thanks for ev
ays giv erything to God the FFather
everything ather
ather..
1 Thessalonians 5:16 (GNB)

16
Be joyful always,
17
pray at all times,
18
be thankful in all circumstances. This is what God wants from you in your life in union with Christ Jesus.

14
Do everything without complaining or arguing,
15
so that you may be innocent and pur
puree as God’
God’ss perfect children,...
children,...

4
May you always be joyful in your union with the Lord. I say it again: rejoice!
5
Show a gentle attitude toward everyone. The Lord is coming soon.
6
Don’t worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking Him with a thankful heart.
7
And God’
God’ss peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.
8
In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble,
right, pure, lovely and honorable.
James 1:2-4
2
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,
3
knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
4
But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
James 5:9 (GNB) Do not complain against one another

against another,, my friends, so that God will not judg
judgee you. The Judg near,, rready
Judgee is near eady to
appear..
appear
James 5:13 (MSG) Ar Pray.. Do you feel ggrreat? Sing.

Aree you hurting? Pray
1 Peter 2:21-23 (GNB)

21
It was to this that God called you, for Christ himself suffered for you and left you an example, so that you would follow in
His steps.
56
22
He committed no sin, and no one ever heard a lie come from His lips.
23
When He was insulted, He did not answer back with an insult
insult;; when He suffered, He did not threaten
threaten,, but placed His hopes
in God, the righteous Judge.
What do these passages teach us about the attitudes and behavior we have to maintain as believers?
Remember that these are attitudes that we must live by even in our marriage and at home:selflessness, humility,
sacrifice, giving preference to others, looking out for the other’s interests, not self-centered, servant-hood,
not insisting on our own rights, being joyful, being thankful, being prayerful, not complaining, not arguing,
being innocent (not thinking evil), rejoicing, being gentle, not worrying, enjoying God’s peace, thinking on
things that are good, that deserve praise, that are true; being joyful even in trials, being full of faith, being
patient, not complain about others, praying, singing, not lying, not insulting back, not threatening, not retaliating.
The opposite of these positive, Christ-like attitudes, are what we will call negative attitudes. Here is a list
of negative attitudes and related behaviors. There could be more:anger, arrogance, argumentative, blaming
others, bitterness, controlling, condescending, cowardice, complaining, critical, cunning, cynical, demanding,
depressive, dishonest, dissatisfaction, discontentment, deceptive, envy, greed, guarded, guilt, hatred,
inadequacy, indifference, intolerance, insecurity, irresponsibility, jealousy, judgmental, low self-esteem, lust,
manipulative, negativity, overly assertive, overly aggressive, pessimism, prejudice, pride, resentment, revengeful,
rude, sarcasm, secretive, self-centeredness, selfishness, shame, skeptical, stingy, suspicious, thoughtlessness,
unforgiving, untrusting, unsympathetic, victimized
When you have a bad attitude, you tend to see people and situations in the worst possible way. Negativity
and pessimism taints everything you SEE, SAY and DO. This leads to you being unhappy, always complaining,
criticizing, finding fault and other negative behaviors. This results in not only you being unhappy, but others
around you are also affected and may become unhappy.
You attitude influences your EXPECTATION, your EXPERIENCE and your EXIT. When you are about to
start something, your attitudes sets your expectation, whether you expect something good and exciting or
whether you expect something bad, boring or tragic to happen. As you journey through, your attitude influences
your experience, whether you enjoy it, whether you are able to make the most of situations, challenges,
setbacks, and surprises, whether you are able to make changes, adapt and progress or whether you let things
get you down and just pull through and drag along, just waiting for things to be over. Finally, your attitude
determines how you exit, whether you leave taking the good and positives out of the journey or whether you
leave holding on to the negatives, grumbling and complaining.
Negative attitudes and behaviors don’t help us be Christ-like.
Negative attitudes and behaviors are either learned or come because of negative emotions at its root.
For example, a person who has unresolved bottled-up anger inside him (carrying anger for whatever reason)
tends to release this through negative attitudes and behaviors. This could include hurtful words, sarcasm,
teasing, cynical remarks or even physical violence.
Your attitude is a choice. Difficult situations, challenges and other unpleasant things in life will always come.
The attitude you maintain, how you think, perceive, act and react, is your choice.
57
The good news is that if we are open to the Lord, He will do His work in us to change our negative attitudes
and behaviors. He will deal with issues at their root and bring about permanent change. He brings about
change in our lives that is lasting. He works in us making us willing and able to do what is right (Philippians
2:13). His Holy Spirit works in us and transforms us into His likeness in an ever-increasing measure (2 Corinthians
3:18). We must pray and ask Him to deal with our negative attitudes and behaviors and change them so that we
can have Christ-like attitudes and behaviors.
olled T
Spirit-Controlled
Spirit-Contr emperament
Temperament
An individual’s temperament expresses itself in their personality, the way they think, perceive, behave and
react.Broadly speaking, we refer to a person as an introvert or an extrovert, when referring to their personality.
There are various ‘personality-type’ systems that attempt to categorize personality. Of these, a theory, originally
suggested by the Greek physician Hippocrates, is the four personality types: sanguine, choleric, melancholic
and phlegmatic. Although this theory is not scientific and rejected by the medical community, it helps us have
a useful framework with which to understand personality.Each personality type has its characteristic traits, its
strengths and weaknesses. An individual usually has a blend of these, with primary and secondary personality
types. [For more information see: www.fourtemperaments.com]. There are other personality-type theories
that have been proposed as well.
Regardless of what blend of personality types we may recognize in ourselves, ultimately we must understand
that our temperament and personality, with its traits, strengths and weaknesses is a choice and can be developed.
We are not prisoners of what we are born with, the environment we grew up in or behaviors we learned during
our growing up years. If we choose to, we can unlearn what is wrong and develop what is good and positive.
As believers, the Bible calls us to be filled with the Spirit. This means that we as individuals, including
our personalities and temperaments are to be so influenced by the Holy Spirit that we begin to express His
nature and character. We are still ourselves as individuals, but we choose to yield to the Spirit of God (and
hence we are “Spirit-Controlled” or “filled with the Spirit”) so that His nature, character, power and strength
can be expressed through our lives to glorify God and to bless other people. When we do this consistently as
a way of life, we are “walking in the Spirit”.
Our life is then characterized by what the Bible calls as the “fruit of the Spirit”.
Galatians 5:22-23 (GNB)

22
But the Spirit pr oduces lov
produces e, joy
love, joy,, peace, patience, kindness, ggoodness,
oodness, faithfulness,
23
humility,, and self-contr
humility self-control. Theree is no law ag
ol. Ther against
ainst such things as these.
When we are Spirit-filled (or “Spirit-controlled”), the Spirit produces these wonderful traits or qualities
in our lives. Our temperament and personality become characterized by these: LOVE (affection for others),
JOY (exuberance about life), PEACE (serenity), PATIENCE (a willingness to stick with things), KINDNESS (a
sense of compassion in the heart), GOODNESS (desiring to bless others), FAITHFULNESS (loyal commitments),
HUMILITY (not needing to force our way in life), SELF-CONTROL (able to marshal and direct our energies
wisely). Note: parentheses have text from MSG Bible.
58
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). The Holy Spirit brings righteousness,
peace and joy (Romans 14:17). These fill our lives releasing us from wrong attitudes and behavior, and
empowering us in what is good.
erned Behavior
ord-Governed
Word-Gov
John 14:15 (GNB) If you love me, you will obey my commandments.

16
Scripturee is inspir
All Scriptur ed by God and is useful for teaching the truth, rreb
inspired ebuking err
ebuking or
or,, corr
error ecting faults, and giving instruction
correcting
for right living,
17
so that the person who serves God may be fully qualified and equipped to do every kind of good deed.
Our love for God is demonstrated through the way we align ourselves in obedience to His Word. Our
behavior, what we say and do has to be governed by His Word. It is the Word of God that is truth, rebukes
error, corrects faults, and gives us instruction on how to live right. So we need to embrace and submit to the
Word of God. This applies to our relationship with our spouse as well.
Consider the following Scriptures that instruct us on how to behave or conduct ourselves, which includes
how we behave within marriage and family:

12
YYou aree the people of God; He lov
ou ar ed you and chose you for His own. So then, you m
loved ust clothe yourselv
must es with compassion
yourselves compassion,,
kindness
kindness,, humility
humility,, gentleness
entleness,, and patience
patience..
13
Be tolerant with one another and for giv
givee one another whenev
forgiv wheneverer any of you has a complaint ag against
ainst someone else. YYou must
ou must
forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you.
14
And to all these qualities add lov toggether in perfect unity
lovee , which binds all things to unity..
15
The peace that Christ gives is to guide you in the decisions you make; for it is to this peace that God has called you together
in the one body
body.. And be thankful.
1 Peter 3:7-11 (GNB)

7
In the same way you husbands must live with your wives with the proper understanding that they are more delicate than you.
Treat them with rrespect
espect
espect,, because they also will rreceiv
eceive, to
eceive, toggether with you, God’
God’ss gift of life. Do this so that nothing will
interfere with your prayers.
8
T
To o conclude: you m must havee the same attitude and the same feelings
ust all hav feelings;; lov
lovee one another
another,, and be kind and humble with one
another
another..
9
Do not pay back evil with evil or cursing with cursing; instead, pay back with a blessing blessing,, because a blessing is what God
promised to give you when He called you.
10
As the scripture says, “If you want to enjoy life and wish to see good times, you must keep from speaking evil and stop
lies..
telling lies
11
YYou
ou m must away
ust turn away from evil and do ggood
from ood
ood;; you m
must strivee for peace with all your heart.
ust striv
The Word teaches us to walk in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, to be tolerant,
to forgive, to walk in peace, to treat with respect, etc. Our actions have to be out of love and not out of anger,
hate or retaliation. Our behavior must be governed by such instructions in God’s Word. This is the standard
set for our behavior.
59
Personal Transformation
Transformation
Having understood that there are godly attitudes, temperament and behavior that we need to align ourselves
to, how do each of us make the transition from our current attitudes, temperament and behavior to what God
desires for us?
How can each of us come to the place where we have our attitudes, temperament and behaviors transformed
to what God calls us to: Christ-like attitudes, Spirit-controlled temperament and Word-governed behavior?
All of us begin at the same place. We are sinful, our attitudes and behaviors are marred or flawed in
many ways. We could be emotionally hurt, carrying negative emotions inside, and our thinking could be
warped and distorted through life’s experiences. We could be bound to wrong behavior patterns, addictive
behaviors, sinful lifestyles, and so on. We need to recognize and acknowledge what is wrong, when compared
to the light and standards God has established and set for us in Scripture.
We believe that there are four very important truths which every one of us need to be established in to see
transformation take place in us. The first two are a completed work. God has already done this for us, and He
then calls us to walk (live) out of the work He has already completed. The next two are ongoing, something we
walk in on a daily basis.
1, The power of the Cross

The work that Jesus did on the Cross not only brings forgiveness from sin but also freedom from the
dominion of sin itself and healing for the total person - spirit, soul and body. The power and dominion of sin
over our lives has been broken so that we need no longer be slaves of sin.
Isaiah 53:4-5 (GNB)

4
But He endured the suffering that should have been ours, the pain that we should have borne. All the while we thought that
His suffering was punishment sent by God.
5
But because of our sins He was w
was ounded, beaten because of the evil w
wounded, wee did. W
Wee ar
aree healed by the punishment he suffered,
suffered,
made whole by the blows He received.
Romans 6:6,14 (GNB)

6
And we know that our old being has been put to death with Christ on His cross, in order that the power of the sinful self
might be destroyed, so that we should no longer be the slaves of sin.
14
Sin must not be your master; for you do not liv
must livee under law bbut
ut under God’
God’ss ggrace.
race.
The Lord Jesus has provided for our complete wholeness through His death on the Cross. This includes
healing for emotional wounds, pains and hurts. We need to see ourselves healed and whole through the Cross
of Jesus Christ. The Lord Jesus broke the power of sin. This means that no sinful habit or lifestyle pattern can
control us. We need to see ourselves completely set free through the power of the Cross. Everything Jesus died
to provide for us, is ours. We must claim what He has provided for us and walk in it.
The Cross also becomes the basis on which we extend forgiveness to those who have wronged us.
Because He has forgiven us and we are recipients of His grace, we now extend forgiveness and grace to
others.
60
2, My identity in Christ
Once we are born again, we are brought into a spiritual union with Christ. We are “in Christ”. We are “in Him”
in spirit. We become a new creation in Christ. As new creations in Christ, everything about us has changed. As
the Scripture states “the old is gone, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17 GNB). Our spiritual identity, our
nature, our standing (position) before God, before the world, before the powers of darkness have all been
changed. In Christ, we are empowered and blessed. Who we are in Christ is who we really are!
We must now live out of the new life, identity and resources in Christ. When we do so, our perspective of
ourselves (self-image, self-esteem, confidence) changes. Our perspective of other people around us changes.
Our perspective and attitude towards life’s challenges and situations changes. Our perspective towards satan
and demonic forces, and their demonic works changes. We view all of these through who we are in Christ.
If we truly understood and lived out of these two powerful truths: the completed work of Christ on the
Cross and our identity in Christ, we will live strong, positive, confident lives. We will truly be transformed in
our daily living.
3, The renewing of my mind

The renewing of our mind (changing our way of perceiving and thinking) takes place as we replace our own
thoughts and ideas with the thoughts and truths of God as given to us in His Word. As our minds are being
renewed, our lifestyle undergoes a transformation.
Romans 12:2 (GNB)

2
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that
good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
For our minds to be renewed, we consistently and intentionally meditate in God’s Word and align our
thinking with the truth of God’s Word. We choose to think aligned to God’s Word. We perceive circumstances
and situations in life from the perspective of God’s Word. This is an ongoing process.
A renewed mind results in a transformed lifestyle.
4, Walking in the Spirit

Walking
In addition to renewing our mind constantly with God’s Word, we are also called to “walk in the Spirit”.
This means we live our lives yielded to the Holy Spirit. We learn to follow the leading and guidance of the
Holy Spirit. We learn to know what pleases Him and what grieves Him (Ephesians 4:30). We learn to give Him
influence over our words and deeds, and do not quench Him working is us or through us (1 Thessalonians
5:19).

18
Do not get drunk with wine, which will only ruin you; instead, be filled with the Spirit.
19
Speak to one another with the words of psalms, hymns, and sacred songs; sing hymns and psalms to the Lord with praise
in your hearts.
20
In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, alw
always givee thanks for ev
ays giv erything to God the FFather
everything ather
ather..
21
Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ.
When we walk in the Spirit, we build each other up spiritually, we are continually in an attitude of praise
and worship toward our God, we are thankful and we walk in humility.
61
When we walk in the Spirit, we also do away with the “works of the flesh”, things that we would do out of the
impulse of the evil desires of our body. Fighting, quarreling, anger, jealousy, hatred and other similar things
are classified as works of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21). However, the Holy Spirit enables us to crucify (put an
end) to the sinful deeds of the flesh (Romans 8:12,13). When we walk in the Spirit, we put an end to these
works of the flesh and instead we are able to have the “fruit of the Spirit”, expressed through our lives
(Galatians 5:22-23).
Galatians 5:16,24,25
16
I say then: W alk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.
Walk
24
And those who ar aree Christ’
Christ’ss hav
havee crucified the flesh with its passions and desir
desires.
es.
25
If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
So to sum up, the ability to think, perceive, act and communicate with Christ-like attitudes, a Spirit-
controlled temperament and having Word-governed behavior is (A) to live out of the power of the Cross (B)
to live out of our identity in Christ (C) to live out of a renewed mind and (D) to walk in the Spirit. Every
believer can do this.
Relating to and Understanding My Spouse

I need to maintain Christ-like attitudes, a Spirit-controlled temperament and Word-governed behavior when
I relate to and understand my spouse.The model and the standard set for the husband-wife relationship is
“just as” it is between Christ and His church.

24
And so wives must submit themselves completely to their husbands just as the church submits itself to Christ.
25
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave His life for it.
Relating to my spouse
In what ways must I change to become more Christ-like, Spirit-controlled and Word-governed in my attitudes,
temperament and behavior toward my spouse:
AREAS I MUST CHANGE
62
Understanding my spouse
In what ways can I better understand how my spouse thinks, perceives, acts and communicates in various
situations, so that I understand my spouse correctly
AREAS I MUST CHANGE
Now, I need to draw upon the power of the cross, the power of who I am in Christ, work on renewing my mind
and walk in the Spirit, to see change and transformation in the way I relate (in my attitudes, temperament and
behavior) to my spouse and the way I understand my spouse. I must maintain Christ-like attitudes, a Spirit-
controlled temperament and Word-governed behavior as I relate to my spouse.
63
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
Attitude check
Given below are descriptions of a positive attitude or reaction in a given situation. For each description,
indicate how often you tend to take this attitude or reaction. Place a check (ü) mark in the most appropriate
Ve r y Quite Almost
How often do you feel this way!
Rarely Frequently Always
IN PERSONAL LIFE
65
Ve r y Quite Almost
WHEN REL
RELAATING TO YYOUR
OUR SPOUSE
WHEN REL
RELA OUR CHILDREN
ATING TO YYOUR
66
Ve r y Quite Almost
Our goal must be to transition from “very rarely” to “quite frequently” and to making these attitudes and
behaviors as “almost always”, the normal way of life. Use what we have learned in this chapter to receive
personal transformation and make this transition in your attitudes and behavior.
Attitude and behavior transformation

“Two are better off than one,..If one of them falls down, the other can help him up...” is what the Scriptures
teach us (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 GNB). As husband and wife, you can hold each other accountable to maintain
Christ-like attitudes, a Spirit-controlled temperament, and Word-governed behavior. When you observe a
negative attitude or behavior, provide a response that holds your spouse accountable to Christ-likeness. Do
this lovingly and gently, never in a judgmental, critical or condescending manner. Do it with the understanding
that you are working together to build each other up in Christ-likeness and also to have a great marriage
together. Do not do this without first agreeing together that you are going to hold each other accountable.
Otherwise you may appear to be “policing” your spouse and a well-intended practice may cause damage.
Here are just a few example scenarios and sample responses. These are just examples and you do not
have to use these verbatim. You can think of many more and decide on how you could respond. (Please use
your own term of endearment for your spouse).
OU OBSERVE THIS A
WHEN YYOU T TITUDE OR
AT
HERE IS HOW YOU COULD RESPOND
BEHA VIOR IN YYOUR
BEHAVIOR OUR SPOUSE
When your spouse is complaining or grumbling about “... what if we see the good that is happening and we
the way things are, certain situations at home, work, church choose to accept and enjoy the good instead of focusing
or other setting. on the not-so-good.”
When your spouse feels offended and seems to carry “... I understand that what was done was unfair and has
unforgiveness, resentment and is inclined to hurt you. But with God’s help, we can forgive and still
retaliation towards those who have brought pain. love them.”
When your spouse is comparing what you have with “... let us choose to celebrate the other person, be happy
envious. for God’s blessing on them and let us be thankful for
someone else and seems to become jealous and envious
what we have.”
67
WHEN YYOU
OU OBSERVE THIS A T TITUDE OR
AT
HERE IS HOW YOU COULD RESPOND
BEHA VIOR
BEHAVIOR IN Y OUR
YOUR SPOUSE
“... maybe we should look for the good and see the
When your spouse is critical of people and is pointing out good in that person. Or maybe we should see how we
fault in others without helping bring about positive change.
can help that person overcome those weaknesses.”
When your spouse seems ungrateful, unhappy and “... I’m sure we can be thankful for all that we do have.
dissatisfied with what you have. There is so much to be grateful for.”
When your spouse seems to be proud, boastful and bragging “... we know all we have is God’s mercy on our lives.
about some personal achievement, skill etc. Let’s keep it that way and stay humble.
humble.”
When your spouse seems selfish and self-centered in a “... you know God has blessed us so much. Am sure we
situation, unwilling to give, share, make a sacrifice. can be selfless
selfless, think about their need, sacrifice a little
and be generous by giving something to them.”
TURNING POINT
• Lord, empower me to have a Christ-like attitude, a Spirit-controlled temperament and Word-governed

behavior.
• I embrace the power of the Cross and receive healing and wholeness to my total person. Through the
power of the Cross, I receive my freedom from sinful patterns, addictions and bondages that control me.
Because I am forgiven, I now release forgiveness to anyone who may have offended me. (Take time to
pray over anything specific you need to address).
• I embrace who I am in Christ as the basis for my identity, my self-image, my security and my true potential
in God. Who I am in Christ, is who I really am.
• Lord, empower me to renew my mind with your Word and think the way you would think in every situation.
• Lord, enable me to walk in the Spirit, manifesting the Spirit’s character and nature, and doing away with
the sinful deeds of my own flesh. Let the fruit of the Spirit be seen in me.
• Lord, empower me and give me your grace to maintain Christ-like attitudes. Empower me so that I will
not grumble or complain about anything! Instead, I will be thankful and joyful at all times, in all things, in
my God. Lord, empower me and give me Your grace so that I will not be anxious or disturbed when I face
unexpected or difficult situations. Lord, empower me and give me Your grace so that I will not be
offended if I am corrected, criticized or even insulted. Instead, help me to receive it graciously. Lord,
empower me and give me Your grace to always speak positive, faith-filled, uplifting and encouraging
words. Help me to always acknowledge with faith Your promises as true, regardless of the situation or
how I feel.
• Every time I think of my spouse, help me to be thankful and celebrate the good things he/she has. “Lord,
thank You for giving me my husband/wife as your awesome gift. Help me to see the good things you have
placed in him/her. He/she is your gift to me!”
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69
COMMUNICATION
OMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
ARRIAGE
Communication styles, their frame of reference and contexts in which things are spoken and understood can
vary between two different individuals, especially if they come from different cultural or social backgrounds.
In marriage, communication is important and essential to maintain and build a strong relationship.
Communication skills required for marriage can be quite different from general, social or professional
communication. Typically in marriage, there is the need to go to deeper levels of communication than is
typically used in general social or professional communication. Hence, we need to intentionally develop our
communication skills specific to our personal marriage relationship.
Different Levels of Communication

Our goal in communication is to understand and be understood, which is essential for all kinds of human
relationship. We recognize that there are different “levels” at which we communicate, depending on how much
of personal information is being shared.
CASUAL : We could have the casual, bare minimum level of communication where we do the casual
greeting and a few pleasantries like, “Hi, how are you? Nice to see you. Hope you are having a good day, have
a nice day, etc. Although we are communicating, we are really not sharing very much. We are being polite and
courteous, but not much beyond that.
PROFESSIONAL : We could have communication that involves sharing of information, facts, ideas,
thoughts, analysis, etc. This typically happens when making decisions, explaining your point of view and is
what we normally do in professional settings.
FRIENDSHIP : Here we go a level deeper, sharing our feelings, emotions, and thoughts a lot more freely,
as would happen between two good friends. There is a sense of liberty to share one’s dreams and know that
there would be support and encouragement. Even correction is freely given and received knowing that the
other’s intentions are good.
INTIMATE : Communication at an intimate level is what we seek to establish in a marriage relationship.

With an increasing level of trust, commitment, and friendship, we are now able to share almost anything and
everything of who we are, what we feel, think, hope and dream.
While many of the things we state here are in relation to the husband-wife married relationship, we can
apply these same principles and truths to communication with our children.
71
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON SIX: COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
Time, Trust, T
Trust, ranspar
Transparency
ransparency
For healthy, meaningful communication to occur, we need (a)Time (b)Trust (c)Transparency. In the context of
marriage the husband and wife would need to invest time, build trust and develop transparency, in order to
engage in healthy and meaningful communication. This is extremely important to nurturing and growing in a
marriage.
Time
• Setting aside regular time each day to catch up with what is happening in each other’s lives. This could
be over a meal or spending relaxed time together when suited to both your schedule.
• Needs to be at a time of day when both have the energy levels to engage in meaningful conversation.
• Do this intentionally. Life can get busy and if our schedule is not structured to accommodate this, it is
likely that time together will not happen.
• Quickly take care of professional talk that addresses “to do lists” and “things to be done”, etc., and try to
engage in conversation at friendship and intimate levels.
• Plan for extended periods of together-time, over weekends as well as during vacations for conversation.
• Make communication happen. Since meaningful and healthy communication requires time, as married
couples we need to make time for this. We need to give our marriage its rightful priority in our lives and
invest time into building our marriage.
Trust
• Trust is something that is both earned and given. Learn to trust your spouse, which is giving him or her
your confidence, that sense of assurance that you believe in them and what they are sharing. Trust is also
earned. So make sure your actions back up your words. Make sure you do not lie. If your spouse sees
you as a liar, then your spouse will have to weigh everything you say and try to determine if you are stating
the truth or lying. It will be difficult to build a marriage where there is no trust.
• Your spouse also needs to be able to trust you, that personal things he/she shares with you will not be
discussed with others, not even other family members. There has to be trust that confidential matters will
be kept in confidence.
• There has to be trust that personal things you share, will not be used against you in times of conflict. The
way you can give this assurance to your spouse is by making sure that you do not use what your spouse
has shared with you, against him/her in times of disagreements or conflict.
Transparency
ransparency
• Transparency takes time to build.
• Transparency is being able to share your innermost thoughts including your dreams, your aspirations,
withholding nothing.
72
Quick check
check::
On a scale of 1 to 5 (1=never, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=most often, 5=Always true) rate what you feel
about communication between you and your spouse at present:
AY THINGS ARE
WA
THE W
Communication—An Important Building Block for a Str

Communication—An ong Marriag
Strong Marriagee
Good communication is key to building a good marriage. When a husband-wife are able to have meaningful
and healthy communication between them, it helps their marriage in several ways:
(A) KNOW AND UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER : which makes them draw closer to each other.
(B) WORK AS A TEAM : because they are able to communicate and understand each other they are now
able to do things together and work as a team.
(C) SUPPORT EACH OTHER : they are able to be there to encourage, support, nurture and strengthen each
other.
(D) RESOLVE ISSUES : there will be differences in tastes, perspectives and opinions. But because they have
a healthy communication system between them, they are able to discuss each others’ ideas, evaluate
things and make good decisions. When conflicts arise, they are able to work through these differences
and resolve things peacefully.
(E) GROW SPIRITUALLY TOGETHER : you are able to share spiritual revelation and learning with each
other to grow together in the faith. You are able to speak into each other’s lives when either one needs
spiritual support and encouragement.
(F) GUARD YOUR MARRIAGE : spouses who have a meaningful and healthy communication are close to
each other and hence are able to keep their focus on each other. They do not wander off seeking
emotional or physical companionship elsewhere.
(G) NURTURE CHILDREN : how the parents communicate with each other will also have an impact on
children, what is taught to the children, their sense of security, feeling loved and nurtured.
(H) CHERISH MEMORIES : you are able to look back, reflect and talk about the good things you have
enjoyed together. You can relive those moments as you reflect together, be inspired, and encouraged as
you look back on the journey you have made together this far.
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Attentive listening
James 1:19 (GNB)
Remember this, my dear friends! Ev
Everyone ust be quick to listen, bbut
must
eryone m ut slow to speak and slow to become angry
ry..
angry

beforee you answ
Listen befor er
er.. If you don’
answer t, you ar
don’t, aree being stupid and insulting.
Listening is more than hearing someone. In listening, you are trying to understand the person—through what
they are saying, what they are feeling and what they are expressing through their body language. The goal in
attentive listening is to understand the person. Here are some general, commonly understood skills for good
listening:
✓ Be attentive : give your spouse undivided time and attention. This would mean facing them, maintaining
eye contact, putting aside distractions or other things you might be doing. Don’t try to watch TV, read the
newspaper, work on your laptop and also engage in a meaningful conversation with your spouse.
✓ Be open : don’t jump to conclusions about your spouse or what he/she is saying or on the outcome of the
conversation. Stay with them through all that is being said.
✓ Be patient : listen patiently without interrupting. Wait till they have finished saying what they wish to say.
✓ Be clear of what w as said : make sure you have heard clearly and understood correctly. If you are not
was
sure, ask questions to ensure that you have understood correctly. Summarize. Repeat what you have
understood. Try to understand the ideas and the emotions, not just words and sequence.
✓ Be responsive : let them know you are listening by nodding your head, or make non-interrupting short
words or statements.
✓ Be sensitiv
sensitivee : to feelings and to body language.
Listening skills questionnaire:
The following questionnaire poses a number of questions about various aspects of listening actively. Apply
the questions to yourself and respond by noting ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ as appropriate.
Question Yes/No
74
When you have completed your responses, add up the number of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers.
Total ‘Yes’: Total ‘No’:
The greater the number you have in the ‘yes’ column, the better listener you are likely to be. The greater
the number of ‘no’ in your list, the less likely it is that you are a fully effective listener.
Genuinely expressing
Communication is a two-way street and so in addition to listening, you would also need to correctly and
genuinely express yourself through what you say.
People have different ways in which they express themselves. Some are very cognitive and state facts,
look at things very objectively and keep emotions out most of the time even if they feel very strongly about
something. Others are emotional and their feelings spill over into everything they say and do. They find it very
hard to just express thoughts without emotion. Some are naturally very loud and often appear aggressive, and
may even border on being boisterous when they speak. Some are mostly soft soft-spoken and gentle. It is very
hard to tell if they are really passionate about something. And then there are many other variations! Allow
differences in styles of expressiveness.
There is a lot that the Scriptures teach us about speaking. We will consider just a few here, and apply that
to marriage relationship. Later we also look at the power and effect of words.
75

29
Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say
will do good to those who hear you.
30
And do not make God’God’ss Holy Spirit sad; for the Spirit is God’
God’ss mark of ownership on you, a guarantee that the Day will
come when God will set you free.
31
Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and ang er
er.. No mor
anger moree shouting or insults, no mor
moree hateful feelings of any sort.
32
Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another
tender-hearted another,, and forgiv
givee one another
forgiv another,, as God has forgiv
forgiv en you thr
given ough Christ.
through
✓ Use words that build people up

✓ Use words that provide what is needed (e.g. support, encouragement, love, affirmation, etc.)
✓ Use words that do good to those who hear
✓ No shouts, insults or hate
✓ Do not use language that is obscene, profane or vulgar
When communicating with your spouse, align your speaking to the standards given in Ephesians.
Quick check:
On a scale of 1 to 5 (1=never, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=most often, 5=Always) rate the frequency at which
you speak in this manner:
AY I SPEAK TO MY SPOUSE
WA
THE W
(If you have children, you can ask these same questions in relation to your communication with your children).
Proverbs on Communication
Discover the impact and influence of the words you speak toward each other. Review each of the Scriptures
listed below from the book of Proverbs. See how you can apply them to your marriage and determine action
points to begin practicing what the Word says.
76
HOW C AN YYOU
CAN OU APPLY THIS TO YYOUR
APPLY OUR
PROVERBS
MARRIAGE?
77
Preventing Communication Breakdown

Emotional intimacy involves expressing your feelings, thoughts, needs, hopes, aspirations, fears and struggles
with someone who is committed to you. However, when communication breaks down in a relationship, either
person or both may WITHDRAW and ISOLATE themselves withholding expression, due to various reasons.
With this they tend to drift apart. They avoid communicating, afraid that any interaction will only lead to
conflict and outburst. They may be living in the same house, but are STRANGERS to one another. Their
marriage is at high risk, when this begins to happen.
Here are some common reasons leading to breakdown in communication and suggestions on how to avoid
them
WHAT C
WHAT CAA USES COMMUNIC
COMMUNICAATION REMEDY
BREAKDOWN
We now share a few insights on the spiritual side of communication—the spiritual impact of the words we
speak. The reason we present these here is for us to understand the spiritual significance of our words even
during our conversation with our spouse and children. The words we speak have impact. They connect us to
the spiritual realm and affect our present and futures.
78
The PPow
ower of YYour
ower our Words
Words
Your words bring life or death, blessing or cursing
words
20
ou will hav
YYou havee to liv
livee with the consequences of everything you say
everything say..
21
What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words.
The Bible teaches us that our words have a significant impact on our lives. Our words shape our world.
They affect our present and our future. The words we speak can bring life or death. We face the consequences
of our words. So we must speak words that are positive, words that bring life, words that are aligned to the
promises of God.
Your words can bbuild

words uild faith or destroy it
destroy
Romans 10:17 (GNB)
So then, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message comes through preaching Christ.
Faith comes by hearing the Word of God. Words can inspire faith or quench faith. When we speak words
of faith, we can help nurture and strengthen faith in our spouse and children. If we speak doubt, fear and
unbelief, this is what we will infuse our family with. We must choose to speak positive, faith-filled words.
Your words rrelease

words elease your faith or rrelease
elease your doubt
Matthew 17:20
So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly
edly,, I say to you, if you hav
assuredly havee faith as a mustard seed, you will say
mustard
to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.
The Lord Jesus taught and demonstrated to us that faith in God is released by words we speak. We
release our faith through the words of our mouth. Hence, it is important to use our words to release our faith
in God and what we are believing God to do for our spouse, children, family and future.
Use Words Corr

Words ectly
Correctly
James 3:2-12 (GNB)
2
All of us often make mistakes. But if a person never makes a mistake in what he says, he is perfect and is also able to control
his whole being.
3
W
Wee put a bit into the mouth of a horse to make it obey us, and w wee ar
aree able to make it ggoo wher
wheree w
wee w ant.
want.
4
driven
Or think of a ship: big as it is and driv strong
en by such str steered
ong winds, it can be steer ed by a vvery rudder,, and it ggoes
ery small rudder wherev
oes wher ever
ever
the pilot wants it to go.
5
So it is with the tongue: small as it is, it can boast about great things. Just think how large a forest can be set on fire by a
tiny flame!
6
And the tongue is like a fire. It is a world of wrong, occupying its place in our bodies and spreading evil through our whole
being. It sets on fire the entire course of our existence with the fire that comes to it from hell itself.
7
W
Wee humans ar aree able to tame and hav
havee tamed all other cr eatur
creatures—wild animals and birds, rreptiles
eatures—wild eptiles and fish.
8
But no one has ever been able to tame the tongue. It is evil and uncontrollable, full of deadly poison.
9
W
Wee use it to giv
givee thanks to our Lord and FFather
ather and also to curse other people, who ar aree created in the likeness of God.
created
10
W ords of thanksgiving and cursing pour out fr
Words om the same mouth. My friends, this should not happen!
from
11
No spring of water pours out sweet water and bitter water from the same opening.
12
A fig tr ee, my friends, cannot bear oliv
tree, es; a ggrapevine
olives; rapevine cannot bear figs, nor can a salty spring pr oduce sw
produce eet w
sweet ater
ater..
water
79
The words we speak may seem small and insignificant, but they actually steer our lives the way a bit controls
a horse or a rudder steers a large ship. Our tongue is like a fire. It affects our entire being and our entire
existence. If we have a “good tongue” that is inspired by the fire of God’s holy Word, we will bless our entire
being and bless our entire existence.
A believer is saved on the inside and his tongue also needs to be “saved and sanctified”. It is not
appropriate for a believer to have words of life and words of death coming from his mouth. A believer only
speaks life, faith, praise, thanksgiving, hope, love, encouragement, things that are positive and reflect who
God is.
Speak Blessing Over YYour

Over our Spouse, YYour
our Children, YYour
Children, our Marriage, YYour
Marriage, our Home
Numbers 6:22-27 (GNB)
22
The LORD commanded Moses
23
to tell Aaron and his sons to use the following words in blessing the people of Israel:
24
May the LORD bless you and take care of you;
25
May the LORD be kind and gracious to you;
26
May the LORD look on you with favor and give you peace.
27
And the LORD said, “If they pronounce my name as a blessing upon the people of Israel, I will bless them.”
The Lord taught His priests in the Old Testament to put His blessing upon the people by pronouncing or
speaking words of blessing over them. He even gave them words of blessing to speak over the people. This is
an important principle we can continue to use. Speak blessing over your spouse, children, marriage, family,
your present and your future. Declare the blessings of God and the promises of God. God will watch over His
Word to fulfill it.
The Spoken Word—Y

Word—Your W
ord—Your eapon Ag
Weapon ainst the Enemy
Against
Ephesians 6:17
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;
We are to wield the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. We use the sword against the enemy as we
speak God’s Word, the way the Lord Jesus did when he resisted the enemy’s temptations. We must develop the
discipline of speaking God’s Word in faith, intentionally, as a way of resisting the enemy.
We have taken the liberty here to bring to our attention that our communication matters, in more ways
than one. Marriage is not just an exercise in good natural skills and manners. We recognize that our world—
including our marriage and family—are affected by spiritual laws. One important spiritual law, has to do with
words we speak. So speak in line with the Word of God. Do what God has taught us and use words correctly
to bless your marriage and family.
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APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, In your experience of communicating with each other so far, are there things the other person does/does
not do with relation to communication, that disturbs you? Please discuss. [Example, the wife may feel
that the husband sometimes “puts her down” with his remarks/comments, or vice versa. Bring this up,
discuss the matter, and the other person works on changing.]
2, If there are any issues on any matter (e.g., influence of parents, past relationships, personal habits,
interaction with the opposite sex, finances, standard of living, etc.) that are being suppressed, please
bring it up and discuss these through, so that they do not remain an unaddressed area in your relationship.
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TURNING POINT
1, Pray over your life that God will give you the grace to always speak positively and in a way that builds
your spouse up. Ask God for wisdom when you speak, to know how to speak the right words at the right
time.
ACTION ITEM
For the next week, every day, during your time of prayer (personal devotion) make five positive declarations
over your spouse based on God’s Word. It could be simple statements of faith such as: My husband is blessed
and is a blessing to me. God blesses my husband in all that he does and surrounds him with favor, blessing
and protection. The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of wisdom, understanding, counsel, power, knowledge and of the
fear of the Lord, and the Holy Spirit works powerfully in and through my husband. My husband is born of God
and he overcomes the world and every temptation of the enemy. God always causes my husband to triumph in
Christ. (you can make the same declarations about your wife). Make it a practice to continue making declarations
of God’s Word over your spouse.
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MANAGING YOUR HOME

ANAGING
In this chapter, we provide simple practical tips on managing one’s home and having a family. It takes wisdom
and understanding to build a home. The knowledge one gains through learning will help make the home a
wonderful one.

3
Homes are built on the foundation of wisdom and understanding.
4
Where there is knowledge, the rooms are furnished with valuable, beautiful things.
Proverbs 24:6 (GNB)

After all, you must make careful plans before you fight a battle, and the more good advice you get, the more likely you are to
win.
While information presented in this chapter may seem common knowledge, we would like to specifically
address problem areas that we see in marriages from our part of the world. The more good advice and
learning you are able to get, the more likely you are to succeed.
Staying Independently
Genesis 2:24 (GNB) That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one.
It is important for couples to agree together on where they will make their home. Ideally these things
should be discussed before marriage, during the pre-marital preparation phase. It is always good for married
couples to live by themselves, separate from parents and immediate family, so that they have their freedom to
focus and build their marriage relationship. We encourage this especially in the early years of marriage where
the newly- wedded couple are beginning to get to know and understand each other.
However, if a couple plans to live with either side of the family (husband’s or wife’s), then there must be
a mutual understanding and agreement to do so. Or if any immediate family member is going to be living
long-term with the married couple, here again this should be discussed and mutually agreed upon. In some
situations where either the husband’s or wife’s parents are widowed, or siblings have special needs, it may be
necessary and kind to stay long-term with the family. It is of course expected that other family members will
not interfere in the husband-wife relationship. Several problems and conflicts happen simply because the
parent(s) or relatives residing with the husband-wife interfere in the marriage relationship by dictating decisions,
controlling schedules, interfering with the way children are being brought up, etc.
There are times where a newly married couple may start out by staying at either the husband’s or wife’s
parents’ home. This could be due to relocation, financial or other practical reasons. However, we strongly
recommend that this period be kept short and the newly married couple set up their own separate place to
live, as soon as possible so that they can have freedom to focus on the marriage.
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON SEVEN: MANAGING YOUR HOME
Daily and Weekly Schedules

Weekly
A common occurrence today in many families is that both husband and wife are working professionals. It
becomes challenging when the husband and wife have different work schedules and/or long hours of work.
This obviously minimizes the time they have together and therefore impacts their marriage. Such situations
must be addressed with wisdom giving priority to the marriage and family. Plan ahead to schedule time to be
together during the course of the week and weekends. If it is financially viable, it would be advisable to make
suitable changes so that there is sufficient time for marriage, the home and family. This could mean that one
person changes to a job that requires reduced hours or even temporarily takes a break from work for a period
of time.
Cooking, Cleaning, Laundry

Laundry,, Grocery Shopping, Paying Bills
Grocery
It is important for husband and wife to share in the responsibilities of managing a home. There are many
things that need to done on a daily and weekly basis. These tasks can be shared between husband and wife,
and where possible, household helpers. It is rather unfair when both husband and wife are working outside the
home professionally, for the wife to carry the full load of household tasks herself with the husband providing
no help at home. This puts a lot of strain on the wife. There will be additional responsibilities when children
come along. Here again, caring for children and their needs should be appropriately shared between husband
and wife. It is best when the husband and wife see themselves as a team and work together, each one doing
their part, and helping the other when there is a need.
Mobile Phone, Television and Social Media Etiquette

Television
Most of us feel the pressure to stay connected to work even after we have finished our day’s work and “left for
the day”. So our mobile phones become our mobile office and start eating away at whatever time we have at
home. Similarly, other recreational channels such as television and social media tend to take away our time.
Hence, it is important to have certain disciplines with regard to the use of your smart phone, television,
engaging in instant messages, emails, calls, social media, during time at home which should be spent with
your spouse and children. As far as possible, keep your gadgets and other distractions away, and give your
family undivided attention during your time together. We realize that there could be emergency situations
where calls may need to be attended to, but as part of your normal routine, your family time needs to be
protected.
Family Recreation and FFamily

Recreation amily Vacations
Vacations
It is also important to plan for things you would do as recreation together and also time for family vacations.
Each one has different ways of doing this. Recreation time could be anything that you can do together as a
family, whether eating out, shopping together, going to the park, visiting places of interest, family movies,
sports, outdoor activities, etc.
Share with each other things you enjoy doing personally as rest, relaxation and recreation. Identify things
that you can do together. You may also identify new activities that you can do together.
Plan ahead both in terms of dates, places and finances for family vacations, once or twice a year.
84
Money,, Budg
Money eting and FFinancial
Budgeting inancial Planning
Money is one of the most common areas of conflict in marriages. Regardless of how much money you may
have, you could differ in what each of you feels about how money should be used. You may have different
values and ideas about money, based on how you were raised, the lifestyle you were accustomed to, what you
saw your family do with money and your personal walk with God. It is therefore important to understand each
other in this area and come to a place of agreement.
Money could mean different things to each one. Money could affect a person’s sense of security. Freely
sharing financial information could be an expression of trust. Having control over personal finances could
provide a sense of independence. Having extra funds could help someone experience the joy in giving to
others.
Here is a quick exercise to identify some key values you hold about money and possessions. Complete
this table, share and discuss this with your spouse (fiancé). Of course, you can adapt and change your views
about money and the importance it holds in your life over time. This exercise is just to indicate where things
are presently.
Indicate your view using a scale of 1-5:
1=Strongly disagree, 2=Disagree, 3=Not sure, 4=Agree, 5=Strongly agree
Description Score
Ag givee into God’

Agrree to tithe and giv God’ss Kingdom
Also, agree together to tithe according to Malachi 3:8-10, and also to give additionally into the Lord’s work as
God enables you. Include this in your budget and do this first, before spending on other things.
Proverbs 3:9-10
9
Honor the LORD with your possessions, and with the firstfruits of all your increase.
10
So your barns will be filled with plenty
plenty,, and your vvats
ats will overflow with new wine.
overflow
Handle your finances, prayerfully. Learn to live with contentment, free from greed, without comparing or
giving in to the pressure to keep up with other people. Live with simplicity. Be thankful. Be generous. Serve
God’s purposes with your money.
85
elop a bbudg
Develop
Dev udget
udget
Decide together how financial needs of the family will be taken care of. If only the husband is earning, then the
husband provides for the financial needs. However, if both the husband and wife are earning, then you need to
decide who covers what expenses and how your income will be shared to manage the home. It is important for
husband and wife, if both are earning, to share information about their income and jointly develop a plan to
share in household expenses.
Given below is a sample of how you can itemize your income, giving, taxes and expenses, and plan out
a simple budget. You can modify this to be specific to your situation.
*NSI is left after you give to the Lord and pay taxes. The NSI is what you must live on.
** These categories are added as a guide only. If you have this expense, the percentage shown must be deducted from
other budget categories. Remember, all percentages must add up to 100 percent. If any category is not used, this
amount can be moved towards your Savings and Investments. Adapted from www.crown.org
There are three primary categories in every person’s budget: Housing, Food, and Vehicle. If these three
combined percentages exceed 70 percent of your NSI, then it will be almost impossible to have a balanced
budget.The average person usually has no idea how much he or she is spending annually or monthly. The first
step, then, is to track what you spend and compare it to the guidelines shown here. Only then should you begin
to adjust your budget to make it balance. For some it may mean selling assets to pay down debt, and for
others it may mean seeking assistance with debt reduction from a trained counselor. Still others may find that
they have surpluses in areas of their budget. For them the challenge is deciding where to allocate this surplus:
to retirement, college planning, or increased giving.
86
If both husband and wife are earning, you can include an additional column to determine who contributes
towards each expenses and/or what percentage of that expense.
Agree on short-term and long-term financial goals

One of the ways to understand each other’s expectations and to pre-empt arguments over finances is to agree
on short-term and long-term financial goals. Short-term goals are typically financial objectives that you would like
to see happen in the next 6-to-12 months. These could be paying off smaller loans, making necessary purchases
for household appliances and so on. Long-term goals are financial objectives that will take more than 12-months
to accomplish. These could include saving money for buying a home, children’s education, special travel/vacation,
starting a business venture and so on.
You can work through this simple exercise, where each writes down their personal short-term and long-term
financial goals. Then share your goals with one another. Identify where you have similar goals and where you
differ. Then decide together as a couple on what you will set as common goals for your family. Then discuss how
each can contribute towards achieving these goals. Evaluate from time to time your progress towards these
goals.
My Personal short-term financial goals (6-12 months)
My Personal long-term financial goals (12 months and beyond)
Our common financial goals and plan on how we will get there
Short-term goals and plan (6-12 months) Long-term goals (12 months and beyond)
Plan on how we will get there: Plan on how we will get there:
87
Saving and Investing

Proverbs 13:22
ood man leav
A ggood es an inheritance to his childr
leaves en’
en’ss childr
children’ en, bbut
children, ut the wealth of the sinner is stor
wealth ed up for the righteous.
stored
Saving and investing is key to any good financial management plan. It is making money work for you. We
also encourage you to consider saving and investing systematically. There are several ways you can invest
money and make it grow.
• Insurance Plans
• Public Provident Fund (PPF) / Employee Provident Fund (EPF)
• Equity / Mutual Funds
• Bank Fixed Deposits
• Real Estate
• Post Office Savings Schemes
• Bonds / Debentures
• Gold/Commodity Investments
Consult a reliable financial advisor who can help you with this.
Parents, In-Laws and Extended Family

Help your relatives and they will protect you like a strong city wall, but if you quarrel with them, they will close their doors to
you.
Proverbs 19:26
He who mistreats his father and chases away his mother is a son who causes shame and brings reproach.
Proverbs 20:20 Whoever curses his father or his mother

Whoever mother,, his lamp will be put out in deep darkness.

24
A righteous person’
person’ss parents hav
parents havee ggood
ood rreason
eason to be happy
happy.. YYou
ou can take pride in a wise child.
25
Let your father and mother be proud of you; give your mother that happiness.

2
“Honor your father and mother” is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely
promise namely,,
3
“so you will live well and have a long life.”
While we have emphasized earlier the importance of the husband and wife living independently without
the interference of parents or family members, we are in no way advocating disconnecting or distancing
oneself from family. The Scriptures are very clear in instructing us to honor parents and bless them. So
wherever possible, maintain healthy family relationships with your own parents and parents of your spouse
and continue to bless them. Continue to maintain healthy relationships with other family members as well. It
is important that the love of Christ be seen through you in how you relate to your own parents and extended
family.
88
In some cases, younger couples may have to support parents financially to some extent and help take care of
their material needs. As husband and wife, do this with mutual understanding and supporting one another as
you do it. Do this without partiality, treating parents on both sides equally.
Caring for the Elderly

Elderly,, Widowed, Or Orphaned in YYour
Widowed, our Own FFamily
amily
espect to the father who raised you, and when your mother ggrrows old, don’
Listen with rrespect don’tt neglect her
her..
Proverbs 30:11,17 (GNB)

11
There are people who curse their fathers and do not show their appreciation for their mothers.
17
If you make fun of your father or despise your mother in her old age, you ought to be eaten by vultures or have your eyes
picked out by wild ravens.
Isaiah 58:6-7 (GNB)

6
“The kind of fasting I want is this: Remove the chains of oppression and the yoke of injustice, and let the oppressed go free.
7
Sharee your food with the hung
Shar hungry poor.. Giv
ry and open your homes to the homeless poor Givee clothes to those who hav
havee nothing to w
wear
ear,,
ear
and do not refuse to help your own relatives.
James 1:27
What God the Father considers to be pure and genuine religion is this: to take care of orphans and widows in their suffering
and to keep oneself from being corrupted by the world.
Finally, we must recognize life brings with it its own challenges. As parents age, there may be the need to
care for them or other elderly family members, widowed parents, or those who are orphaned. We cannot
neglect their needs and turn away from those our own. As husband and wife, you can both agree together how
you will address such needs that you see in your extended family. Do this wholeheartedly, support one another
when doing so, and do it as unto the Lord.
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, In this chapter, we have addressed nine areas of importance for your marriage and family, in relation to
managing your home. These are listed below. Ensure that you have discussed these with your spouse
(fiancé) and both of you have an understanding of what you have agreed to do and what to expect of each
other.
i. Staying independently
ii. Daily and weekly schedules
iii. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills
iv. Mobile phone, television and social media etiquette
v. Family recreation and family vacations
vi. Money, budgeting and financial planning
vii. Saving and investing
89
viii. Parents, in-laws and extended family

ix. Caring for the elderly, widowed, or orphaned in your own family
TURNING POINT
Pray for God’s wisdom and guidance to do the right thing in each of the nine areas we have addressed in
managing your home.
ACTION ITEM
If needed, set up an appointment with a financial advisor to get help with managing your finances, budgeting,
financial planning, saving and investing.
90
SEX AND SEXUALITY

Sexual intimacy and enjoying a healthy sex life is an exciting and important part of marriage. We discuss a few
insights and instructions given to us in Scripture, and make reference to some useful resources for practical
advice on enjoying fulfilling and exciting sexual intimacy in your marriage.
God Designed Sex

Hebrews 13:4 (MSG)
Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual
and illicit sex.
God designed sex and gifted it to us to be enjoyed within a marriage relationship. There is a sacredness
in sexual intimacy because it was designed by God.
God also warns us against casual or illicit sex, that is sex outside the boundaries of a marriage relationship.
As a young person, you need to manage your sexual desires, protect and keep it pure, to be enjoyed after your
marriage with your spouse.
It is quite possible that a young person may have fallen into sexual sin or become sexually active before
marriage. It is important to repent of this, receive God’s mercy, forgiveness, deliverance and empowering
grace to walk in sexual purity from this moment on. The Holy Spirit is powerful and He will not only set a
person free from an immoral lifestyle, but bring complete cleansing, healing and freedom so that the person
can walk free and prepare for a married life that is pure and holy before God.
God Designed Sex for Procreation and Enjoyment

1
Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, is it a good thing to have sexual relations?
2
Certainly—b
Certainly—but ut only within a certain context. It’
It’ss ggood
ood for a man to hav
havee a wife, and for a w oman to hav
woman havee a husband. Sexual
drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a
world of sexual disorder
disorder..
3
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her
husband.
4
Marriag
Marriagee is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriag
Marriagee is a decision to serv
servee the other
other,, whether in bed or out.
5
Abstaining fr om sex is permissible for a period of time if you both ag
from agrree to it, and if it’
it’ss for the purposes of prayer and
fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least
expect it.
6
I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON EIGHT: SEX AND SEXUALITY
Part of being married is the joy of sexual union between the husband and wife. Part of the role of the husband
and wife involves sexual intimacy.
The Scriptures encourag

Scriptures encouragee us to:
✓ Maintain a balanced and fulfilling sex life (vs. 2). The husband and wife decide on the frequency and
rhythm with which they enjoy sexual intimacy. Sexual life must be fulfilling, rewarding and satisfying to
both.
✓ Sex must be enjoyed with mutuality, each seeking to satisfy the other (vs. 3). The husband seeks to satisfy
his wife, and wife seeks to satisfy her husband. For example, in sexual intimacy, the husband is not just
looking for personal release and gratification. He needs to engage with his wife with the intent of satisfying
her, ensuring she enjoys pleasure as well.
✓ Sex is an opportunity for the husband and wife to enjoy each other’s bodies and must not be used as a
way to “hold something back” (vs. 4). Do not use your body as a weapon against your spouse by withholding
sex.
✓ The husband and wife can agree to abstain from sex for a short period of time for prayer and fasting (vs.
5).
✓ The devil uses the areas of sexuality as an area of attack, and hence we need to be on guard in this area.
Enjoying a fulfilling sex life in one important way to keep the husband and wife secure in this area (vs. 5).
Proverbs 5:15-19
15
Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well.
16
Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets?
17
Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you.
18
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth.
19
As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.
This passage brings specific instruction on physical intimacy:
✓ The husband needs to focus his sexual affections toward his own wife.
✓ The husband must derive sexual fulfillment and satisfaction from his own wife.
✓ The husband delights in his own wife’s body and derives all pleasure and delight with her love.
✓ The wife lavishes her love toward her husband.
Among other things, sex has been designed by God for our pleasure. Take time to enjoy each other and satisfy
each other. Sex is not about what you can get, but also the pleasure you can give to your spouse.
Sex Is an Expression of Commitment, Intimacy

Expression Pleasuree
Intimacy,, Pleasur
16
There’
Ther moree to sex than mer
e’ss mor
e’ meree skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scriptur
much e, “The
Scripture,
two become one.”
17
Since w
wee w ant to become spiritually one with the Master
want Master,, w
wee must not pursue the kind of sex that av
must oids commitment and
avoids
intimacy
intimacy,, leaving us mor
moree lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can nev
ever—the er “become one.”
never
92
18
There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies,
these bodies that w er
eree made for God-giv
wer en and God-modeled lov
God-given e, for “becoming one” with another
love, another..
19
Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however
you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property
belonging to the spiritual part of you.
20
God owns the whole w orks. So let people see God in and thr
works. ough your body
through body..
✓ Sex is a spiritual mystery and not a mere physical act. Sex expresses the fact that the husband and wife
have become one.
✓ Sex to be enjoyed to the full must include commitment and intimacy.
✓ Sex between a husband and wife honors God, the bodies He designed and marriage which He instituted.
✓ God owns you—spirit, soul and body. The Holy Spirit inhabits the husband and wife even during their
sexual union, sanctifying and making sacred this physical act.
For the First Night and After
For couples getting ready for their wedding, it is best to prepare yourselves well for your
first night. In all your preparation for the wedding, don’t forget to prepare for the wedding
night. The first night can be awkward so take your time to understand each other.
As a part of preparation for your wedding night and beyond, we recommend this
book.The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (Revised Edition), Tim and Beverly
LaHaye
et Important Practices for Sexual Intimacy

Simple YYet
✓ Use personal lubricant if needed so that dryness does not cause pain.
✓ Oral hygiene—clean your mouth, brush or use mouthwash.
✓ Personal hygiene—have a bath if you are not clean. Use deodorant or perfume.
✓ Shave if your stubbles are grown as these can be abrasive to your wife’s skin.
✓ For those with full beards, you may need to use shampoo/conditioner to keep it soft.
✓ Toilet paper, small towel or wipes to use during or after sex.
✓ Condoms or your choice of contraceptive, if needed.
✓ Simple clothing. Remember the husband is especially stimulated by what he sees.
✓ Suitable lighting that both are comfortable with or when possible lightly scented candles.
✓ Privacy—keep your door locked and phones turned off.
✓ Comfortable room temperature. If it’s too cold you’ll want to stay under the covers.
✓ Use suitable music when possible, if both like this.
93
Personal Health and Hygiene

✓ Keep yourself physically fit by eating healthy and exercising regularly. You cannot enjoy sex if you are
tired or emotionally drained.
✓ As mentioned in the earlier section, maintain good personal hygiene. Your spouse may find it difficult to
enjoy sex if you are sweaty and smelly. Keep yourself clean.
✓ Understand your wife’s menstrual cycle and wait till her cycle is over.
Managing Personal Sexuality
✓ Direct all your sexual affections toward your spouse alone.
✓ Refuse the deceiving thought that you need to find sexual fulfillment through other means. Refuse sexual
fantasies, pornography, or anything that is dishonorable before God.
✓ Pray over and consecrate your sexual affections before God and dedicate them for your spouse. This is
honoring God and your spouse with your body.
Deciding When to Have Children
Malachi 2:15 (MSG)
GOD, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. And what does He want from
marriag e? Childr
marriage? Children that’ss what. So guard the spirit of marriag
en of God, that’ Don’tt cheat on your spouse.
marriagee within you. Don’
God desires to see godly offspring raised out of the union of a husband and wife. It is good therefore for
a married couple (and for those preparing for marriage) to discuss the following and arrive at a place of
agreement.
Pregnancy and childbirth
✓ Discuss when you would like to have children, and how many.
✓ Discuss measures you will take to avoid pregnancy until such time.
✓ What measures you would take to avoid further pregnancy, once you have had the desired number of
children?
Infertility
✓ Decide what you would do in the case of miscarriage or infertility. The most important thing to do is to
believe God for an answer.
✓ Do not make infertility or impotence of your spouse a reason to end the marriage.
Abortion : Understand that abortion is not acceptable to God and must be allowed only when life is in danger.
When YYou
ou Or YYour
our Spouse Loses Interest in Sex
Interest
There can be several reasons why either the husband or wife tends to lose interest in sex. Busyness, stress,
physical problems, emotional distress, feeling unloved or breakdown in emotional intimacy, are just some
possible causes. A man typically never outgrows his need for sex. A woman, however, needs to feel loved by
94
her husband before she can really enjoy sexual intimacy. Don’t let the joy of sexual intimacy die out. If the
flame begins to wane, talk about this with your spouse and do what is needed to rekindle sexual intimacy, so
long as it is physically possible.
Also, remember the importance of physical and verbal affection. Be generous in physical affection at all
times and not just during foreplay before sexual intercourse. Hug your wife, hold her hand when you are
walking, touch her lovingly, rub your wife’s back—show physical affection whenever possible. Be kind, loving
and affectionate with your words. All of this is important to build a sense of being loved, which will then easily
lend itself to an enjoyable sexual life.
Enjoying Sex When YYou

ou Ar
Aree FForty
orty and Beyond
With age our bodies undergo physical change. Women go through menopause and men could have other
challenges. However, if we keep our bodies healthy through exercise and eating right, we can under normal
conditions enjoy good, fulfilling sexual lives well into our eighties. As Tim and Beverly LaHaye state in their
book “The Act of Marriage after 40” : “Affection, warmth, and sensuality do not have to
deteriorate with age and can actually increase in the midlife years. Sex in later life is sex
for its own sake since our childbearing years are in our rearview mirrors. We make love
for pleasure, release, communication, and intimacy.” They also address common
misconceptions about sexual life after 40 such as: losing the ability to make love or
decline in the quality of sex after a certain age; women losing their desire for sex after
menopause or youthful orgasms being better than those at a later stage in life.
Recommended reading:The Act of Marriage after 40 : Making Love for Life - Tim
and Beverly LaHaye, with Mike Yorkey.
A PPLIC ATION
1, For married couples : share with each other what you have really enjoyed thus far in physical affection
and sexual intimacy between the two of you.
2, For couples going through pre-marital preparation : at the right time (a month or two before your wedding),
as part of your preparation discuss the content in the following sections in this chapter: For the first night
and after; Simple yet important practices for sexual intimacy; Personal health and hygiene; Deciding
when to have children.
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TURNING POINT
1, Pray together and consecrate your sexual desires and your life of sexual intimacy to God. Pray God’s
blessing on this area of your life asking that you will enjoy sexual intimacy as God intended.
ACTION ITEM
Try to obtain copies of the recommended book(s), that are relevant to your stage in your married life and read
through it.
96
BECOMING A TEAM
In many ways, the husband and wife constitute a team and should work as a team. Knowing that you as husband
and wife are together, on the same side, and can count on each other is a great source of encouragement and
strength. You are able to face and overcome life’s challenges together. In this chapter, we explore the power of
being a team and present some practical perspectives on becoming a strong team for the purposes of God’s
Kingdom here on earth.
The PPow
ower of T
ower wo
Tw
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (GNB)
9
Tw
T aree better off than one, because to
wo ar toggether they can work mor
work moree effectively
ely..
effectively
10
If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. But if someone is alone and falls, it’ it’ss just too bad, because ther
theree is
no one to help him.
11
If it is cold, two can sleep together and stay warm, but how can you keep warm by yourself?
12
T wo people can rresist
Tw esist an attack that w ould defeat one person alone. A rrope
would ope made of thr ee cords is hard to br
three eak.
break.
While this passage is not specific to marriage, it definitely can be applied in the context of the marriage
relationship, where the husband and wife have the opportunity to become a powerful team.
Together, the husband and wife
✓ can be more effective (vs. 9) having bigger impact, being more efficient, having increased an measure of
success
✓ can help each other in case one “falls down” (vs. 10)
✓ can provide mutual support and encouragement when times are challenging (vs. 11)
✓ can experience enhanced strength and power to resist attacks and withstand pressure (vs. 12)
19
“And I tell you more: whenev
more: er tw
whenever o of you on earth ag
two agrree about anything you pray for
for,, it will be done for you by my FFather
ather
in heaven.
20
For where two or three come together in my name, I am there with them.”
When the husband and wife are in agreement, there is power. They can see great success in prayer and
become a place for His dwelling and become carriers of His presence.
The husband and wife should work on developing togetherness and being able to flow together as a team
in the things they do at home, for the family and possibly in other areas of life as well.
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON NINE: BECOMING A TEAM
(A) They bring the power of two, the power of togetherness to bear upon their own lives, marriage and for
each other. This obviously has a great impact on their personal strength, level of confidence, their
spiritual and emotional well-being.
(B) This also brings blessing to their children, home and family. The home becomes a place of unity and
strength. Children are nurtured in a healthy and supportive environment, where they see their parents
working as a team. This sets a great example to them as well on teamwork, caring, loving sacrifice and
service.
(C) And as the husband-wife grow into becoming a good team, they can definitely serve God’s purpose more
effectively and see the advancement of God’s Kingdom through the gifts and callings God has placed in
their lives.
Hindrances to Becoming a Good T
Team
eam
A husband and wife who are against each other will eventually see their marriage disintegrate. Here are some
factors that keep a husband and wife from becoming a good team
• Self-preservation : When the husband or wife goes his or her own way always wanting to take care of his
or her own things (career, finances, parents, possessions) and self-preservation becomes the major
motive, the team eventually disintegrates. They see things as ‘mine’ versus ‘ours’ and seek to take care of
what is ‘mine.’ Both husband and wife need to stop seeing things as his/hers versus ours, and instead
share and hold everything in common. Learn to give equal importance to both sides of the family. Get rid
of a “mine- and - yours” mentality and change to an “us, we, ours” mentality.
• Selfishness: When one or both spouses focus on their selfish interests instead of what would be mutually
beneficial for the marriage and family, team work becomes secondary or even non-existent. Both husband
and wife must learn to give their marriage and family its rightful place of importance, and work their
personal ambitions and dreams around this.
• Competition : If the husband and wife are constantly trying to outdo the other, leading to an unhealthy
competition internally, they find it difficult to work as a team. See your spouse as your teammate and not
as your opponent. This will help you grow closer and stronger in your relationship.
• Pride : I am better than you or you are not good enough for me. Discard every condescending thought or
attitude. Learn to walk as equals, respecting each other’s strengths and supporting each other in areas of
weakness.
• Blaming instead of taking responsibility : When there are problems or conflicts, don’t put the blame on
the other. Recognize that there are faults on both sides, not just one. Hence, change and correction must
happen on both sides.
• Problem - focused instead of finding solutions : It is important to identify problem areas. But don’t just
talk about the problems, work towards solutions.
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What Makes a Good Husband-Wife T

Team?
eam?
Psalm 133:1-3
1
How w onderful it is, how pleasant, for God’
wonderful God’ss people to liv
livee to
toggether in harmony!
2
precious
It is like the pr ecious anointing oil running down frfrom Aaron’
om Aar on’ss head and beard, down to the collar of his rrobes.
on’ obes.
3
It is like the dew on Mount Hermon, falling on the hills of Zion. That is where the LORD has promised his blessing—life that
never ends.
The place of unity and harmony is the place of God’s pleasure. God is pleased to see people dwell in
unity. He releases His anointing, the presence and power of His Holy Spirit there. Like the dew, the place of
unity becomes a place of refreshing, renewing and reviving. The place of unity is the place where God
commands blessing and life.
• When the husband and wife make every effort to walk in such unity and harmony, they walk in the blessings
promised in Psalm 133.
• When the husband and wife understand each other, they respect their differences, different opinions and
perspectives.
• When the husband and wife understand each other’s roles and support each other, they know what each
other will do based on their strengths. They step in and support the other in areas where help is needed.
They work to complement each other not compete with each other.
• When the husband and wife are able to share interests and pursue common goals. These could be
spiritual pursuits, intellectual pursuits, other activities or larger purposes in life.
• When both work at being good team players instead of individual stars:
❖ When possible they do things together instead of independently. They connect on multiple levels
as possible-emotional, intellectual, physical, recreational, work, spiritual etc.
❖ They are able to communicate, evaluate and decide on things together.
❖ They accept critique of their ideas without feeling hurt or rejected
❖ They are not defensive about their perspectives.
❖ Each one delivers on their commitment and carries their part of the load.
❖ They are not concerned which one of them gets the credit or recognition because in their minds
they are a team.
• When they share in each other’s strengths and hence experience enhanced strength.
• When they support each other to overcome weaknesses, without finding fault and use even their weaknesses
as an opportunity for togetherness.
Essential Heart Attitudes for Teamw
Teamwork in Marriag
eamwork Marriagee
There are two important heart attitudes we like to address, which are essential to teamwork in the context of
marriage: (A) having a servant heart and (B) mutual submission.
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Servant heart
Matthew 20:25-28 (MSG)
25
So Jesus ggotot them to
toggether to settle things down. He said, “You’v
ou’vee observ
“You’v ed how ggodless
observed odless rulers throw their w
throw eight ar
weight ound,
around,
how quickly a little power goes to their heads.
26
It’
It’ss not ggoing
oing to be that w ay with you. Whoev
way er w
Whoever ants to be ggrreat m
wants ust become a serv
must ant.
servant.
27
Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave.
28
That is what the Son of Man has done: He came to serve, not be served—and then to give away His life in exchange for the
many who are held hostage.”
John 13:14-15 (MSG)

14
So if I, the Master and Teacher
eacher,, w
Teacher ashed your feet, you m
washed ust now w
must ash each other’
wash other’ss feet.
15
I’ve laid down a pattern for you. What I’ve done, you do.

3
always
4
interests,
As the head (leader) of the marriage and family, the husband must also be a servant. This is also true for
the wife. Both need to maintain a servant heart and serve instead of waiting to be served. We follow the Lord’s
example and “wash one another’s feet”—that is, serve one another. Look out for each other’s interests and
well-being. We serve to meet the other’s needs. This might require sacrifice at times. The husband and wife
maintain the heart of a servant to one another.
Mutual submission
Ephesians 5:21 (GNB) Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ.
While it is true that the Bible states that the husband is the head and the wife walks in submission to the
husband, we also see the Scriptures teaching that all of us are to walk in submission to one other out of our
reverence for Christ. While the husband is the head and the leader in the marriage, the wife may play a leading
role in certain areas of the marriage and family. Or in decision-making, the husband and wife discuss their
ideas and then go with the best plan. This requires mutual submission where each yields to the other and what
is best for the marriage and family.
Becoming a Kingdom T
Team
eam
We share some practical pointers here on how the husband and wife can grow into becoming a team for
Kingdom purposes, together releasing the purposes of God. We are not implying that the husband and wife
should both get into full-time Christian ministry, or get into joint ventures or do the same things. By becoming
a Kingdom team, we are emphasizing the fact that God has an individual call on the husband and wife, and has
graced each one as He saw fit. The goal in becoming a Kingdom team is for the husband and wife to support,
encourage and empower each other to fulfill what God has ordained for their lives. The husband and wife are
a team working for the same purpose which is to extend the Kingdom of God through their lives as individuals,
through their marriage and family, although the way in which this happens will depend on the calling and
gifting God has placed in each of them.
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One for a purpose

Recognize that God brought you together to become one, for a purpose. We are one not only to benefit each
other, but for our family, for our church community, for Kingdom purpose to be released in the world around
us.
The Genesis commission (Genesis 1:28) to be fruitful, multiply, to fill (replenish), to conquer (subdue) and to
have dominion (rule) in the earth was given to both men and women. Both the husband and wife are to see
God’s rule and reign extended through their lives.
The husband and wife are joint-heirs in the Kingdom (1 Peter 3:7). Therefore, we share in Kingdom
privileges and responsibilities, in Kingdom gifts and callings. We have equal Kingdom-worth. As we pursue
Kingdom purposes we need to ensure that both are equally supported, encouraged and released to fulfill
God’s purposes.
Discover your individual callings/vocation

We understand from Romans 12:4-6 and 1 Corinthians 12:18 that the husband and wife, each have their
individual place and function in the Body of Christ, with differing gifts, anointing and grace. The husband and
wife may be gifted and anointed differently to fulfill their function in the Body of Christ. Rather than making
one fit into the other’s mold, each one should become what God has designed them to be. If the wife is called
to teach God’s Word and the husband has been gifted to be an administrator, don’t try to force the administrator
to become a teacher. Encourage each one to discover and pursue God’s individual callings and vocation.
Blend your callings/vocation

We see that we are called to be one. Our difference in calling, gifting and anointing are not to tear us apart or
cause us to drift away from each other. Instead, the husband-wife must learn how to blend and complement
each other as they fulfill their calling in the Body of Christ. Any difference in function, calling, gifting and
anointing should not create division or competition in the marriage, but be an opportunity to extend support
and encouragement.
Support and encourag

encouragee each other
Life is lived in seasons, and as you journey together in life, you will go through different seasons both as a
couple/family as well as personally.
• It is important that the husband and wife support and encourage each other as you personally journey
through different seasons of life.
• Help each other transition from one season to the next. When one transitions from one season to the
next, often it would require that the other adapt and make changes to accommodate this transition. For
example, if the wife chose to stay at home during the time when the children were young, and once the
children are older, the wife transitions into a more active role outside the home (work or something
else), then it could mean that the husband may need to make changes to his work schedule or his sharing
in household responsibilities, in order to facilitate his wife stepping into a different season doing things
out of the home.
101
• Do not impose what one is experiencing in their personal season, onto the other. For example, if the
husband is in a season of rapid spiritual growth, while the wife is going through a season of reflection
and consolidation with not much happening outwardly, it would be wrong for the husband to force the
wife to do the same. God is dealing with the wife differently and the husband needs to recognize and
support her through the season.
• Cheer and celebrate each other’s growth and success as God brings about increase.
Don’tt liv
Don’ livee to impress people or liv
impress livee for people’
people’ss expectations
As a husband and wife team always be true to yourselves, to God, to each other and to your family. Do not do
things just for public appeal or to impress people. Avoid making public pretenses. Do not try to live to
people’s expectations. Be real. Live lives that are good examples and modeled according to the standards of
God’s Word. But do it because you love the Lord and desire to obey His Word and walk according to His Holy
Spirit. Our only objective is to serve God faithfully and do what He has called us to do.
This is especially true when you are engaged in church or Christian ministry. People expect the pastor,
his wife, and their children to behave a certain way and do certain things. Our goal must never be to give in to
those expectations but live to please the Father in heaven.
Balancing priorities within your calling

Being a Kingdom couple and working as a team for Kingdom purposes does have its challenges. One of the
big areas of challenge is in balancing priorities with work, home and Christian ministry. Sometimes professional
work or Christian ministry can take us away so much from home that we tend to neglect our marriage and
family. Hence, it is important to have constant checks and balances, and maintain proper priorities. Take time
out for each other as husband and wife. Take time out for family. You can do this without any feeling of guilt
and shame. God instituted marriage and family, and so when you are serving your spouse or children, you are
actually “doing ministry” and are honoring God when you do so.
Pray Together
To
19
“And I tell you more: whenev
more: er tw
whenever o of you on earth ag
two agrree about anything you pray for
for,, it will be done for you by my FFather
ather
in heaven.
20
For where two or three come together in my name, I am there with them.”
One of the most powerful things that helps the husband and wife and the family build togetherness is
consistently coming together for prayer. Set up a time when you come together for prayer and include a time
of reading God’s Word, discussion and worship. More on this later when we talk about the Family Altar.
ork in Nurturing Childr

eamwork
Teamw en
Children
Bringing up children is also teamwork. Typically in our culture, we tend to leave the responsibility of nurturing
and training children entirely on the wife or grandparents. Keep in mind that in Genesis 1:28, God blessed
THEM and said to THEM (Adam and Eve) to be fruitful and replenish the earth. Both the husband and wife
have a duty in the upbringing, training and care of the child. This includes setting goals, priorities, discipline
and provision. We will discuss more on this in later chapters.
102
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, Each one, list out areas where you feel you can complement each other in life at home, work, ministry,
etc. Discuss this with each other.
2, What are some things you see in your own life together that could potentially prevent both of you from
becoming a team? How can both of you work together to eliminate these?
TURNING POINT
Pray together that God will help you become a stronger team both at home and for the purposes of the
Kingdom of God.
103
ACTION ITEM
Work on one or two projects together and see how team-work happens or does not happen between the two
of you. Reflect. Evaluate. Discuss.
Examples:
• Take up a task needed to be done at your local church, and work on this project together.
• Cook a meal together for your parents, starting right from planning the meal, shopping, all the way
through to laying the food on the table. [Lady leads, man follows]
• Clean the car (vehicle) together. [Man leads, lady follows]
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10
RESOLVING CONFLICTS
Proverbs 17:1 Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife.
Conflicts Happen!
As married couples, we desire our marriages to be free of conflict and our homes to be filled with peace,
quietness, joy and blessing. While this is something we can pursue and journey into, the fact is that along the
way, there will be times of conflict. Conflicts could be anything from simple disagreements to things that
could be very intense, leading to anger, hurt and pain.Conflict is common to all marriages. Therefore, our
goal in marriage is not to be conflict-free, but to handle conflict correctly when it occurs.The choices you
make during a conflict will either drive you apart or bind you together. One of the skills we need to develop in
marriage is learning how to resolve conflicts and maintain peace.
Conflicts Happen Because W

Wee Ar
Aree Different!
Different!
In many cases, conflicts happen not because one is right and the other is wrong—but simply because as
individuals we are different.
Men and women are different

Information in this sub-section—“Men And Women Are Different”—has been derived from a paper
“Understanding the Difference Between Men and Women”, By Michael G. Conner, Psy.D, Clinical & Medical
Psychologist, OregonCounseling.org
To begin with, there are some innate differences between men and women. There are anatomical,
physiological and psychological differences between men and women. The anatomical differences are obvious.
Physiologically, men usually have greater upper body strength and build muscle easily.The male skull is
usually thicker and stronger. Women have four times more brain cells (neurons) connecting the right and left
side of their brain. Men rely easily and more heavily on their left brain to solve one problem one step at a
time, while women make greater use of their right brain and frequently prefer to solve problems through
multiple activities at a time.
[For additional information on physiological differences, see the WebMD article: “How Male and Female
Brains Differ”http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/how-male-female-brains-differ Accessed September
2015]
Then there are psychological differences that affect problem-solving, thinking, memory and sensitivity.
While these are generalizations, it is useful to know that these differences exist and take these into account in
relationships.
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON TEN: RESOLVING CONFLICTS
Problem Solving
While both men and women solve problems equally well, their appr oach to pr
approach oblem-solving differs
problem-solving differs. Women
emphasize how a problem is solved and for them the process of solving a problem is important. They see the
problem-solving process as an opportunity to share, discuss, interact and strengthen relationships with the
person they are talking with. For men, solving the problem in the most efficient, quickest, and best way is
important. It demonstrates competence, skill, strength and their commitment to a relationship. How the
problem is solved or the quality of relationships during the problem-solving process is secondary, for men.
Thinking
Men and women consider and process information differently. Women tend to be intuitive, global thinkers,
considering multiple sources of information simultaneously, and viewing elements in the task in terms of their
interconnectedness and interdependence. This may sometimes lead to a woman becoming overwhelmed
with complexities that”exist,” or may seem to exist. Men tend to focus on one problem at a time or a limited
number of problems at a time, process things linearly or sequentially and see elements in a task less
interconnected and more independent. They live life in boxes and tend to compartmentalize
compartmentalize. Men are hence
prone to minimize complexities that may exist and fail to appreciate subtleties that could be crucial. This
difference in thinking, has been contrasted in the title of a book: “Men are like waffles, women are like
spaghetti” (Bill and Pam Farrell, 2001). These differences in thinking are only tendencies and not absolutes,
as men and women can and do solve problems in a similar manner.
Memory
Women have an enhanced ability to recall memories that have str ong emotional components recalling
strong
events or experiences that have similar emotions in common or have a common emotional theme. Men tend
to recall events using strategies that rely on reconstructing the experience in terms of tasks or activities,
competition or challenge that took place.
Sensitivity
Women tend to be more sensitive and reactive than men, and in some cases this could have a physiological
basis. In part, sensitivity gives us our capacity to appreciate, build and maintain meaningful relationships. For
most men, strong relationships are forged through shar ed activities, doing things to
shared toggether
ether,, much of which
much
is activ
activee and physical
physical. Women on the other hand have a preference to first build meaningful relationships
through communication, sharing of thoughts, perspectives and emotions
emotions. Men may find such sharing of
information uncomfortable and sometimes overwhelming.
In discussing these differences, our goal is to be able to recognize, understand and act correctly.
Understand how and why your spouse would think or act in a certain way. Don’t criticize your spouse for being
different or for looking at things or approaching things differently. When we fail to recognize and appreciate
these differences, conflicts can arise leading to undue frustration, disappointment, hurt and sometimes lead
to a breakdown in the marriage relationship. We must learn to respect, love and serve each other, keeping
these obvious differences in mind.
And then there are personal differences

Aside from the innate differences discussed above, each of us as individuals have differences in many areas
based on our upbringing, culture, life-experiences and learning. These would include differences in perceptions,
values, priorities, communication styles, tastes, emotional behavior, expressions, habits, and so on.
106
At the point where our differences are evident, if the husband and wife perceive the difference incorrectly,
conflicts arise. An incorrect view of differences, would include perceiving the difference as an intentional
disagreement, a challenge to their point of view, as something lacking or deficient in the other person, as
insubordination, etc.
The Scriptures teach us to understand and value the differences between us and our spouse.
1 Peter 3:7 (GNB)

7
In the same way you husbands must live with your wives with the proper understanding that they are more delicate than you.
Treat them with rrespect,
espect, because they also will rreceiv
eceive, to
eceive, toggether with you, God’
God’ss gift of life. Do this so that nothing will
interfere with your prayers.
Conflicts in marriage can arise due to several other reasons. Sometimes there could be interference by
in-laws, financial matters, wrong behavior patterns, neglect of responsibilities, and so on.
Offended, Hurt and Angry

When conflicts happen, there is the possibility that either one or both husband and wife get offended, feel
violated, hurt, angry and other emotions that need to be addressed.
Anger
Ang er mmust controlled
ust be contr olled
For many people, anger is the most common response when conflict occurs. While feeling angry is only
natural and normal, anger must be controlled. We must not permit our anger to get the better of us, leading us
to say and do things that we regret later.
Reflect on what the following Scriptures teach us about anger, and therefore reflect on how you would apply
this Scripture personally:
What the Scriptures say: How would you apply this personally:
When tempers flare, angry words and insults are hurled at each other, leaving the husband and wife hurt and
in pain.
107
er in Relationships Questionnair
Anger
Ang Questionnairee
This Anger in Relationships Questionnaire is not intended to be a diagnostic tool but instead is meant to
provide a better idea of how anger may be affecting your relationship. Rate the statements below to the best
of your ability. Rate your answers as follows: “T” for True, “F” for False. [Adapted from
www.sanjosecouplescounseling.com]
Question T/F
Total count ‘True’: Total count ‘False’:
108
If the number of ‘True’ statements is significantly high, then there are root issues of anger that need to be
addressed. Please take time to (A) Read through chapter 12, on Emotional Healing and Wholeness, in APC’s
free publication “Ministering Healing & Deliverance”. Pray through the prayer given in that chapter. (B)Meet
with your pastor or counselor to help work through this.
Press the pause button

When you see that your disagreement or conflict about a matter is slowly escalating into an heated argument,
either the husband or wife or both, should press the PAUSE button. Bring things to a pause. Step away from
what is happening. Then apply the “seven steps to resolving conflicts” given below. It is best to practice these
seven steps, before things have become heated causing hurt and pain. In any case, even if things have already
“gone out of hand”, take a step back and after things have calmed down work through the seven steps.
Avoid avavoidance
oidance
Once conflicts have led to anger, hurt and pain, the wrong thing to do is to “pretend” things didn’t happen, and
avoid the issue all together. This leads to unresolved issues, that begin to fester on the inside of either the
husband or wife or both. It is like a volcano that may appear dormant on the outside, but is active on the
inside and waiting to erupt. This will only lead to more anger and intensity in future conflicts, and things will
soon get out of hand. Attempting to suppress unresolved issues could also lead to isolation, withdrawal, and
dissatisfaction with the marriage that could have other repercussions. Hence, the best thing to do is to address
issues appropriately.
Stay away from unhelpful responses to conflicts

There are certain unhelpful ways to respond to conflicts that we must stay away from, since they do not help
reach a resolution:
• Being aggressive : A shouting match may clear the air but can cause a relationship to be damaged
leaving one of the partners feeling beaten.
• Bottling feelings: Not bringing up the matter for an open discussion to resolve it. This can lead the issue
to fester which can come out later in strange places and ways.
• Indirect approaches: Saying everything is ‘fine’ even when clearly it is not. Signaling hurt or disappointment
through body language or facial expressions and treating the other partner as ‘unfeeling’.
• Seeking external validation : Avoid talking about the conflict with your partner but discussing it with
others seeking validation.
• Unforgiveness : Unwillingness to forgive and holding on to strong emotions without letting go.
• Using the silent treatment: Refusing to communicate can stunt the growth of a marriage.
Engag
Eng agee in a matur
ag maturee wway
ay
• Emotions are nothing to be afraid of. God gave us emotions. They are signposts that help navigate the
journey of marriage. Embrace the emotional expressions of your spouse by looking for the message
behind the words. Describe how you feel and, what you want and need, not what your partner feels, wants
or believes. In a marriage, honestly confronting emotions helps the couple work through a conflict.
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•· No name calling, insults or putdowns. Putting your partner down or criticizing their character shows
disrespect.
• No blaming. Blaming each other does not accomplish anything. Make a decision that your relationship
is too important to destabilize it with blame.
• Stay on the “here and now.” Stay in the present and resist the urge to rake up other issues from the past.
If the past keeps coming up, it is likely that older issues have never been resolved.
Get help from a counselor or intermediary
If working through the seven steps below, seems difficult, then it is best to seek the help of a counselor, who
works with both the husband and wife together leading them through this seven-step process. As husband and
wife, you need to go through this together and get the help you need. Once you have walked through this
process and learnt how to resolve conflicts, you can then continue to practice conflict resolution on your own,
as and when situations arise.
Seven Steps to Resolving Conflicts

These seven steps are not “magical”, but are simple instructions we see given to us in Scripture that apply to
relationships. These are not necessarily specific to husband-wife relationships and hence can be applied to
resolving conflicts in all kinds of inter-personal relationships.
1, Pray and Prepar

eparee YYour
Prepar our Heart
First and foremost, we need to be right with God. This means our hearts have to be right.
Matthew 12:34 (GNB) ... the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

19
FFor
or from your heart come the evil ideas which lead you to kill, commit adultery
from adultery,, and do other immoral things; to rrob,
ob, lie, and
slander others.
20
These are the things that make you unclean.
Go before God in prayer and confess to Him what you feel in your heart. Ask Him to cleanse you of all the
wrong things. Renouncing personal ill-feelings, anger, bitterness, etc. Seek God’s grace to cleanse your heart
and to help you maintain a pure heart as you prepare to discuss with your spouse about any unresolved issues
that have been hurting your relationship. Ask Him for healing the hurt and pain, and His peace for any
confusion.
You can pray as the Psalmist prayed:

Psalm 139:23-24 (GNB)
23
Examine me, O God, and know my mind; test me, and discover my thoughts.
24
FFind theree is any evil in me and guide me in the ev
ind out if ther everlasting way
erlasting way..
ay
Psalm 51:10 (GNB) Create a pure heart in me, O God, and put a new and loyal spirit in me.
110
Receivee God’
2, Receiv God’ss Empowering to Lov
Empowering Lovee and FFor
orgiv
givee
orgiv
The Holy Spirit empowers us to love with the God-kind of love by filling our hearts with the love of God. Every
believer has access to this and can walk in the God-kind of love.
Romans 5:5 (GNB)

This hope does not disappoint us, for God has poured out his lov
poured God’ss
lovee into our hearts by means of the Holy Spirit, who is God’
gift to us.
Galatians 5:22 (GNB) But the Spirit produces love,...
When you walk in the God-kind of love, you are moving in union with God. This is powerful because you
can now overcome and have victory over the worst situation.
1 John 4:16 (GNB)

And we ourselves know and believe the love which God has for us. God is love, and those who live in love live in union with
God and God lives in union with them.
This love in our hearts enable us to be patient, kind, put aside jealousy, pride, selfishness, erase wrongs
and press ahead.

4
Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud;
5
love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs;
6
love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.
7
Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
8
Love is eternal.
In prayer before God, acknowledge the empowering work of the Holy Spirit in your life to help you walk
in the love of God. Thank God that no matter how difficult or painful the situation may seem, because of His
love in your heart, you will be patient and kind. Pray and thank the Holy Spirit that He empowers you to walk
i n
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 as you relate to your spouse. His love does not keep a record of wrongs and hence you
too will forgive and let go of the wrong and hurtful things that may have been said or done.
3, Receiv
Receivee God’
God’ss Wisdom to Address the Situation
Address
It takes wisdom to know how to resolve a conflict that has escalated into a heated and volatile situation. It
takes wisdom to honestly look at the root causes and address the root issues that have given rise to the
problem. Look to the Lord for wisdom. “It is the LORD who gives wisdom; from Him come knowledge and
understanding” (Proverbs 2:6 GNB).
Ask God to give you the wisdom and understanding you need to resolve the issue(s). Ask in faith expecting
to be able to find the right solution. “But if any of you lack wisdom, you should pray to God, who will give it
to you; because God gives generously and graciously to all.” (James 1:5 GNB). The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of
wisdom and He will impart to your spirit the idea, the solution or the right way to address the matter. Listen to
Him.
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Remember that God’s Word is God’s wisdom given to us. “The explanation of your teachings gives light
and brings wisdom to the ignorant.” (Psalm 119:130 GNB). His Word is instruction for right living (2 Timothy
3:16). So in addition to praying and listening to the Holy Spirit, look to the instruction of the Scriptures on
how to address the situation.
There is the wisdom of this world that is motivated through jealousy, bitterness and selfishness. This kind
of wisdom is actually demonic and opens the door to more disorder and all kinds of demonic work. However,
God’s wisdom is pure, it is not motivated by jealousy, bitterness or selfishness. The wisdom that comes from
God moves in peace, gentleness, kindness, compassion and leads you to do good things. This is how you can
differentiate if you are walking in divine God-given wisdom in addressing the conflict situation or If you are
motivated by earthly wisdom.
James 3:14-18 (GNB)

14
But if in your heart you ar
aree jealous, bitter
bitter,, and selfish, don’
don’tt sin against the truth by boasting of your wisdom.
against
15
Such wisdom does not come down from heaven; it belongs to the world, it is unspiritual and demonic.
16
Where there is jealousy and selfishness, there is also disorder and every kind of evil.
17
But the wisdom from above is pure first of all; it is also peaceful, gentle, and friendly; it is full of compassion and produces
a harv est of ggood
harvest ood deeds; it is free fr
free om pr
from ejudice and hypocrisy
prejudice hypocrisy..
18
And goodness is the harvest that is produced from the seeds the peacemakers plant in peace.
The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of wisdom. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom on how to address and
resolve the situation. Wait on Him patiently. Surrender your thoughts, plans and ideas to Him, and invite Him
to fill your heart and mind with His thoughts and ideas. Ask Him for help to see the root cause for the conflict.
Ask Him to show you what you are doing wrong. Ask Him to show you if there are things that are troubling your
spouse. Pray for your spouse.
As God shows you, be willing to receive things. For things you are doing wrong, ask the Lord to forgive
you and ask for grace to correct yourself.
While we must be careful not to “blame the devil” for every problem, we must be aware that the thief
comes to steal, kill and destroy. So ask God to show you if there are any ways through which demonic works
have gained entrance and are causing confusion and strife in your marriage. Sometimes you may individually
or later together with your spouse repent, renounce and close any doors of entrance you have opened to
demonic work in your marriage.
4, Lovingly Discuss and Address the Matter

Proverbs 27:5-6
5
Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed.
6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
Ephesians 4:15 (GNB)

Instead, by speaking the truth in a spirit of love, we must grow up in every way to Christ, who is the head.
This may be the most challenging step, but it still needs to be done. Set a time and place where you and
your spouse sit together and discuss things concerning the specific situation that actually went out of hand.
Find a quiet place and sufficient time where you do not have to rush through things. Make time to do this.
112
Address the one issue that needs to be discussed, rather than trying to solve all problems. Take turns to
talk. Let one of you speak first and share everything they thought, felt and experienced in relation to the
situation being discussed. When one is speaking, the other chooses to remain quiet and listen. When one has
finished, the other then explains their side.
All this has to be done in a mature and loving way with the intent of understanding each other and coming
to a peaceful solution. Avoid judging, criticizing, blaming, attacking, or retaliating. Avoid digressing into
other issues or bringing in unrelated matters. The purpose of the conversation is honest discussion to explain,
to understand and be understood, and to arrive at a peaceful resolution. So stay focused on working towards
this.
Practical Steps to Problem Solving/Reaching a Solution

[Adapted from http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/consumer/10238.html ]
1. Take the time to identify a specific issue you want to resolve. If you are anxious about discussing it with
your spouse, ask yourself what is the best and worst outcome of a discussion, and if you are willing to
accept either outcome. “The specific issue I want to resolve is___________________________.”
2. Decide if the issue is worth discussing. How big is the issue and what are your intentions? (To blame,
resolve, place guilt, understand?)
3. As a couple, decide when the two of you can talk. Pick a good time—not during meals with guests or
right before one of you leaves for work. How much time will you need?
4. Get focused before talking. Take time to understand your feelings, thoughts, impressions, wants and past
actions related to this specific issue before you discuss it.
5. Start the discussion with what you think is positively occurring with the issue. “Three positive things we
did in the past related to this issue were: (1) __________, (2) __________, and (3) __________.”
6. When discussing the problems with the issue, state how you feel or think about the issue first. “I feel
angry and sad when I see_____” Or “I think you don’t love me when________________.”
7. Be specific when giving examples of the issue. Saying, “I want to talk to you about last Thursday when we
yelled at each other” will help your spouse understand you more clearly than saying, “We always get into
arguments!”
8. Ask for what you want for yourself, your spouse, and the relationship relevant to the issue at hand. Say,
“Could you please to listen to my viewpoint and I will listen to your viewpoint, so that we can find a
solution?”
9. Discuss and arrive at a solution the two of you agree on:
• Identify the specific problem and who is involved.
• Answer the question, “What do each of us really want or need?”
• Brainstorm as many alternatives as possible without evaluating any of them.
• Evaluate the alternatives by talking about and/or listing the pros and cons.
113
• Select the best alternative(s) for the two of you based on what each person is willing to do (make
I-statements, listen well to each other).
• Decide who will do what, when and how in the plan.
10. Implement the action agreed upon.
11. Review your progress after an agreed upon amount of time (for example, one month). Compliment
positive actions taken. Renegotiate differences.
Since, having a discussion like this may not be easy, it may be necessary to have a counselor or an intermediary
involved, initially, to help you through this process. There is nothing wrong in asking for help, and so we
encourage you to do this.
5, Resolve the Matter in Peace

We must keep in mind, that our relationships with people, also affect our relationship with God. Broken
relationships with people to some extent hinder our personal experience of God. Hence walking in love,
forgiveness and peace with people is important even to our relationship with God (1 John 2:9-11).
Matthew 5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Romans 14:17-19
17
For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
18
For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men.
19
Ther efor
eforee let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another
Therefor another..
Be a peace-maker and a peace-keeper in your marriage. Work towards peace and unity and do the things
that will bring peace and strengthen your marriage. This may mean you humble yourself, accept your faults,
make changes to the way you are doing things, rather than insisting you are right.
Isaiah 32:17 The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance for
work ever
er..
ever
forev
Doing what is right will bring peace, quietness and confidence.
Romans 12:17-18 (GNB)

17
If someone has done you wr ong, do not rrepay
wrong, epay him with a wr ong. T
wrong. ry to do what ev
Try eryone considers to be ggood.
everyone ood.
18
everything
Do ev livee in peace with ev
erything possible on your part to liv everybody
erybody..
erybody
1 Peter 3:11 (GNB)

11
YYou must
ou m ay fr
away
ust turn aw om evil and do ggood;
from ood; you must striv
Even if you feel you have been wronged, with the power of God’s love let it go. Do not hold an account
of every wrong you have endured and expect to be repaid in some way. Do everything you need to do to live
in peace.
James 3:18
And goodness is the harvest that is produced from the seeds the peacemakers plant in peace.
As you sow seeds that bring about peace, you will reap the harvest of goodness, the blessings of joy,
understanding, life and love. So sow peace. Keep sowing peace.
114
6, Give and Receive Forgiveness

A very important part of resolving matters peacefully is to give and receive forgiveness.

12
YYou aree the people of God; He lov
ou ar ed you and chose you for His own. So then, you m
loved ust clothe yourselv
must es with compassion,
yourselves
kindness, humility
humility,, ggentleness,
entleness, and patience.
13
Be tolerant with one another and for giv
givee one another whenev
forgiv er any of you has a complaint ag
whenever ainst someone else. YYou
against ou must
must
forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you.
14
And to all these qualities add lov e, which binds all things to
love, toggether in perfect unity
unity..
Just as we have received forgiveness from the Lord, we are to extend this forgiveness to one another.
Accept what you have done wrong. Acknowledge your wrongdoing. Apologize for the wrong you did.
Recognize that your wrongdoing has caused hurt and pain to your spouse. Ask for forgiveness. Be clear, be
specific, be sincere. “I was wrong. I should not have said or done the things I did ———. I am sorry that what
I said and did hurt you and made you feel ——. I am willing to change and make sure I do not say or do these
things again. Could you please forgive me?”
Similarly, as your spouse recognizes his or her wrongdoing and asks you to forgive, do so willingly.
All of this must be done in sincerity and not just as a pretense.
Colossians 3:18-19
18
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.
Once you have forgiven, you must not hold any grudge, bitterness, anger or ill-feeling toward your spouse.
To forgive is to release the person and also to release all negative emotions that you hold toward that person
from your own heart.
Proverbs 17:9 He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends.
As part of extending forgiveness, you make a choice not to repeat the wrong that was said or done by
your spouse toward you. You choose to let go of the past.
7, Release Blessing
17
If someone has done you wr ong, do not rrepay
wrong, epay him with a wr ong. T
wrong. ry to do what ev
Try eryone considers to be ggood.
everyone ood.
18
everything
Do ev erything possible on your part to liv livee in peace with eveverybody
erybody..
erybody
19
Never
Nev er take rrev
eveng
evenge,
enge, my friends, bbut God’ss ang
ut instead let God’ anger
er do it. FFor scripturee says, “I will take rrev
or the scriptur eveng
ev e, I will pay back,
enge,
eng
says the Lord.”
20
Instead, as the scriptur
scripturee says: “If your enemies ar aree hungry
ry,, feed them; if they ar
hungry aree thirsty
thirsty,, giv
givee them a drink; for by doing this
you will make them burn with shame.”
21
Do not let evil defeat you; instead, conquer evil with good.
1 Peter 3:8-12 (GNB)

8
To conclude: you m
To ust all hav
must havee the same attitude and the same feelings; lov
lovee one another
another,, and be kind and humble with one
another
another..
115
9
Do not pay back evil with evil or cursing with cursing; instead, pay back with a blessing, because a blessing is what God
promised to give you when he called you.
10
As the scripture says, “If you want to enjoy life and wish to see good times, you must keep from speaking evil and stop
telling lies.
11
YYou
ou m ust turn aw
must ay fr
away om evil and do ggood;
from ood; you m ust striv
12
For the Lord watches over the righteous and listens to their prayers; but he opposes those who do evil.”
As you work through this process of resolving conflict, you also make a choice to release the past and
choose to release blessing over your spouse. Give up every thought of retaliation. Conquer wrong by doing
what is good. Release blessing, because that is what God has done for us.
Think thoughts of blessing. When any negative thought or remembrance of unfair or hurtful things said or
done by your spouse come back to your mind, choose to cast down those thoughts. Remind yourself that you
have made a choice to walk in the love of God. Remind yourself that you are pursuing peace. Remind yourself
that you have released forgiveness. Therefore, you will not entertain any thought that goes against the instruction
of God’s Word. Pray and ask God to help you guard your mind.
Speak blessing. Watch your words. Refuse to speak words that repeat the wrong that may have been
done in the past. Do not hold the past against your spouse.
Do what will bless your spouse. Do things that are kind, helpful, encouraging, loving and supportive.
our Life
Keep Strife Out of YYour
Proverbs 21:9 Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Proverbs 21:19 Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.
Where there is contention, anger and quarreling, the home becomes more of a war zone instead of a
resting place. It becomes very difficult for the husband and wife and the children. Strife opens the door to all
kinds of evil. So live life without strife. Follow the instruction of God’s Word and always keep strife out of your
life.
116
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
Write your answers below and share these with your spouse (fiancé). Note: Resolve ahead of time that you will
not argue! Try to be open, kind and understanding as you address sensitive areas.
1, What did you remember learning from your parents/family about handling conflict—good or bad? How
can you imbibe the good and avoid the bad?
2, What are (could be) some areas of conflict in your relationship?
3, Try to discuss those areas identified in #2 above, and pre-emptively arrive at a place of understanding
and agreement on a resolution. If these are areas where conflict has been happening, try to work through
the seven steps to conflict resolution. Work through one area at a time.
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TURNING POINT
1, Pray for God’s wisdom and understanding for both of you to maintain a good, peaceful and healthy
marriage relationship.
2, Pray, speak and release God’s forgiveness to your spouse for any hurtful thing that may have happened in
the past. Release it and determine never to speak about this in a hurtful manner.
ACTION ITEM
Read the free APC Publication “Living Life Without Strife.” You can download a PDF version from apcwo.org/
publications or send your postal address to contact@apcwo.org and request your free printed copy.
118
11
OVERCOMING LIFE’S CHALLENGES

Challenges Come to Ev
Challenges erybody
Everybody
John 16:33 (Amplified Bible)
I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and
trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have
overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]
The Lord Jesus clearly warned us that in the world there will be challenges. The good news is that in Him,
we can walk in peace and confidence, and because of Him we can overcome whatever comes our way.
1 Corinthians 10:13 (MSG)

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember
is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come
through it.
Life’s tests, challenges and temptations come to everyone. Others have also had to face similar things.
Temptation Gr. = a putting to proof (by experiment [of good], experience [of evil], solicitation, discipline or
provocation)
Challenges can either make you or break you. They can either paralyze you and pin you down or serve to
perfect you and propel you into the plans and purposes of God. How you react to the challenges you face will
determine the outcome.
Challenges make life interesting. Overcoming them makes life meaningful.
Challenges help us discover things about ourselves that we really never knew.
Challenges help us grow. They stretch us beyond what we are accustomed to.
Great people are simply ordinary folk who have faced adversity and triumphed.
Without accepting a challenge and determining to conquer it, you will never experience the thrill of victory.
Determine to face up with life’s challenges and use every challenge to move forward in the plan and purpose
of God.
We will experience challenges in our marriages. Our marriage vows are a commitment that we make to stay
with our spouse through all of life’s challenges.
119
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON ELEVEN: OVERCOMING LIFE’S CHALLENGES
The minister addresses the groom:

(Groom), do you take (Bride) to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and protect her, and
forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?
The groom says: I do.

As the groom places the ring on the bride’s finger, he says:
With this ring, I, (Groom), take you (Bride) to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for
better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part,
according to God’s holy Word. I give you this ring as a sign of constant faith and abiding love. With my body
I honor you, all that I am I give to you; this is my solemn vow.
Let us consider some of life’s challenges that could come against any marriage:
better,, for w
For better worse
orse
The reality of this is not easy to walk through. There are times when certain decisions are made that can lead
us into situations that are worse off than where we started. We need to keep our faith strong, our spirits full of
joy as we go through the “night seasons” of life.
richer,, for poor

For richer poorer
er
Perhaps one of you came from a wealthy family. But when you got married, you had to start from very simple
and basic beginnings. You could not afford the luxuries that you enjoyed while living with your parents. Or
sometimes, as you journey through life, financial situations may change, and you may go through seasons
when finances are tight. During this time, we need to stick together and extend our faith for divine provision,
blessing and increase.
In sickness and in health

Neither can we predict the challenges we may face that affect our health. We need to stand by and care for
each other. We need to extend our faith and believe God for healing and recovery. We must not lose the will
to live in the wholeness promised for us.
Proverbs 18:14 (GNB) YYour

our will to liv
livee can sustain you when you ar
aree sick, bbut
ut if you lose it, your last hope is ggone.
one.
Proverbs 18:14 (MSG) A healthy spirit conquers adversity

ersity,, bbut
adversity ut what can you do when the spirit is crushed?
Unmet expectations
There is also the challenge of delayed or unmet expectations in marriage. You may have planned that life
would take a certain course once you are married. But things change drastically and what you had hoped for
seems to have been taken away or delayed indefinitely. This can leave you disappointed, dissatisfied and
sometimes even clueless on what to do in life. But we must remember that nothing is a “surprise” to God. We
must still believe that He will work all things out for our good.
Proverbs 13:12 (GNB) When hope is crushed, the heart is crushed, bbut
ut a wish come true fills you with joy
joy..
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When things just don’t seem to be working

Maybe in the days prior to the wedding, the two of you were really “best” of friends. Everything seemed so full
of promise and an exciting life seemed to await you as you entered into marriage. However, once both of you
did get married, small differences became big issues that seemed to keep recurring in a vicious cycle. You
just could not get along, no matter how many times you tried to talk things through. You are now convinced
that things are just not working out and you are at the end of the road. This is surely a challenging place to be.
But many others have been there and have seen things turn around. So don’t give up. Reach up to God and
reach out to get the help you need.
Domestic violence and abuse

In some situations, there could be violence, and emotional or physical abuse. Either one or both husband and
wife turn aggressive, become abusive and violent. No one really gets into a marriage expecting something like
this, and yet, for various reasons, find themselves in such a situation. This is definitely an unhealthy situation
and needs immediate external help.
Irresponsibility and neglect

What if your spouse just neglects the family, their role and responsibility towards the marriage and home and
decides to live their own life, or just not do what is required of them. Suddenly the entire weight of the
marriage, the home, the family seems to be all on you—just one person.
Unfaithfulness
Perhaps the worst situation of all, is when your spouse is unfaithful, gets into an affair and falls into adultery.
This can be devastating and can affect many people.
There are many other kinds of challenges that could come our way.
How do you overcome life’s challenges that come against your marriage and family, as a believer?
Aree an Ov
You Ar er
Overcomer
ercomer
As we saw earlier from what the Lord Jesus announced in John 16:33, He has overcome the world. He did this
for us, so that we can overcome whatever comes our way.
1 John 5:1,4 (MSG)

1
Every person who believes that Jesus is, in fact, the Messiah, is God-begotten. If we love the One who conceives the child,
we’ll surely love the child who was conceived.
4
Ev ery God-beg
Every otten person conquers the w
God-begotten orld’
orld’ss w
world’ ays. The conquering pow
ways. er that brings the w
power orld to its knees is our faith.
world
As a believer in Jesus you are born of God. You are a child of God. And every child of God conquers the
world—everything that the world throws against us. You are an overcomer, a conqueror.
2 Corinthians 2:14
Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in
every place.
God always leads us in triumph. Believe God’s Word. Believe that in every situation, God will bring you
through triumphant.
121
While going through life’s challenges is not easy, believe what God’s Word has declared about you, that
you are an overcomer and that He will lead you out in triumph. Things may look bleak, impossible, without
any hope whatsoever. But keep your eyes on God’s Word.
Do not let your past or your present dictate your future

To overcome a challenge is not necessarily to reverse the situation. Rather it is to triumph over the devastation
that could have potentially taken place and still fulfill your God-given destiny.
There will be some situations that cannot be reversed. The death of a spouse, the unfaithfulness committed,
etc. cannot be reversed. You will have to face these and gain the strength to rise up and press forward.
Then there are some situations that are temporary. For example if you get laid off your job you may go
through a season of financial difficulty. But then you believe God to provide you a better job, and this
happens, and you move on to experience His provision and abundance. It is not that you did not go through
a season of financial difficulty, but you went through and came out much better, blessed and prosperous.
While some situations and challenges may be more painful than others, the important thing is not to
permit what has happened in the past or what you may be presently going through to control you and dictate
your future.
You should not become a prisoner of your past. With God’s help you can arise, overcome whatever may
have happened and move into a future that is blessed.
Heree ar
Her aree some practical things that w
wee can do to over
overcome life’
ercome life’ss challenges:
challenges:
1, Guard YYour
our Heart
Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.
Proverbs 4:23 (MSG) Keep vigilant watch ov

watch er your heart; that’
over that’ss wher
wheree life starts.
Guard your heart. Don’t let negative feelings grip your heart. Don’t let fear get a hold of you. Don’t let
anger, hate, bitterness, unforgiveness, despair or hopelessness get a hold of you.
Guard your heart from negative feelings towards God. Sometimes, people get angry with God. They turn
their back against God, give up on His promises and wander away. Don’t do this.
How do we guard our heart?

• By keeping God’s Word in our heart and keeping our eyes on His Word.
• In prayer we recognize and release any negative heart attitude and ask God to fill us with what comes of
His Holy Spirit.
Your attitude in difficult situations matters.Your attitude is your choice.
Focus on remedies, not faults. Remember that God can and will turn things around.
During migration, both the hummingbird and the vulture fly over our desert regions. All vultures see is
rotting meat, because that is what they look for. They thrive on that diet. But hummingbirds ignore the smelly
122
flesh of dead animals. Instead, they look for the colorful blossoms of desert plants. The vultures live on what
was. They live on the past. They fill themselves with what is dead and gone. But hummingbirds live on what is.
They seek new life. They fill themselves with freshness and life. Each bird finds what it is looking for. We all
do. [adapted from Reader’s Digest, May, 1990, Steve Goodier.]
2, Overcome Evil With Good

We have stated this earlier and we reiterate this here, because this is very important.

19
Nev er take rrev
Never eveng
evenge, my friends, bbut
enge, ut instead let God’
God’ss anger do it. FFor
anger or the scriptur
scripturee says, “I will take rrev
eveng
eveng e, I will pay back,
enge,
says the Lord.”
20
Instead, as the scriptur
scripturee says: “If your enemies araree hungry
ry,, feed them; if they ar
hungry aree thirsty
thirsty,, giv
givee them a drink; for by doing this
you will make them burn with shame.”
21
Do not let evil defeat you; instead, conquer evil with good.
It is quite natural to want to take matters in your own hand and retaliate when you feel you have been
treated unfairly or have been wronged. However, choose to step away from doing such things and instead let
God decide on what needs to be done for the injustice or wrong you may have faced. Instead, God directs us
to overcome evil with good. Choose to do this.
You overcome unrighteousness with righteousness.

You chose to extend forgiveness even when you have been offended.
You choose to yield even when you don’t have to.
You chose to love even when you have been hurt.
3, Keep Exercising YYour

ercising
Exer our FFaith
aith
One of the important things we see in the ministry of Jesus is that He always encouraged people to have faith.
When the storms and winds blew upon the boat in which Jesus and His disciples were, Jesus rebuked the wind
and waves, calmed the storm. He then turned around to His disciples and asked “Where is your faith?” (Luke
8:22-25). When Jairus’ daughter died while Jesus was still on the way to his house, Jesus immediately told
Jairus, “Don’t be afraid, only believe” (Mark 5:36 GNB). Although Lazarus had been dead four days, Jesus
told Martha: “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believed?” (John 11:40 GNB).
God is in control. Absolutely! He has never lost control! But God who is in control has instructed us to
have faith in Him! Regardless of how difficult the situation, we are to have faith in Him that He will work things
out in a manner that will bless the days that are ahead. We are called to follow the example of Abraham.
“When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he
couldn’t do but on what God said He would do. And so he was made father of a multitude of peoples....”
(Romans 4:18 MSG).
In the midst of life’s challenges, be courageous.

Be courageous, and in faith call victory in the face of apparent defeat.
Be courageous, and in faith call life in the midst of death.
123
Be courageous, and in faith call abundance in the midst of poverty.

Be courageous, and in faith call success in the midst of failure.
Do not allow doubt, fear or impatience to nullify your faith!
Faith ushers you into a place of rest—a state of calm assurance, confidence and resting in God (Hebrews
4:3,9,10). God invites us to “Come back and quietly trust in Me. Then you will be strong and secure.” (Isaiah
30:15 GNB). It is in this place of quietly resting and trusting in Him that we will be strong and secure. ‘Faith
that is firm is also patient.’ (Isaiah 28:16 GNB)
4, Take Small, But PPositiv

Take ositiv
ositivee Steps
How God leads you through and out of each situation will vary. But it is important to take steps of faith to walk
through the valley or pass through the night season.
Get the help of God’s people. If you need a spiritual mentor, counselor or pastor to help you through the
challenging season, don’t hesitate to get help. God uses His people to come alongside us and journey with us
through different seasons of life, because we need each other. For instance, if you are making your way out of
a difficult financial situation don’t be hesitant to get the help of a good finance professional who can help you
manage your finances so that you can get out of debt. If you are going through a grieving period of the loss of
your spouse, it is good to take time to pray and be encouraged by a few close friends in the faith. In case you
are going through a difficult time in your marriage, a period of separation or divorce, it would be helpful to
meet regularly with a Christian counselor or pastor who can support and guide you through this season.
Psalm 40:1-3
1
aited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry
waited
Iw cry..
2
brought
He also br clay,, and set my feet upon a rrock,
ought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay ock, and established my steps.
3
He has put a new song in my mouth—Praise to our God; many will see it and fear fear,, and will trust in the LORD.
Very often God’s way to bring us out of the horrible pit is to have us take incremental steps out of it, with
His help. We journey patiently with Him and He will bring us out. We know that He will set us on solid ground,
establish us and give us a new song to sing that will glorify Him.
Walk with wisdom. Think long term. Think about the fulfilling of God’s purposes through your life and in
spite of the challenges. No man, no devil can stop God’s plans for you. “I’m convinced: You can do anything
and everything. Nothing and no one can upset your plans.” (Job 42:2 MSG)
We now share some Biblical instructions on some other areas of life’s challenges.
Unsaved Spouse
It is possible that you could be the only believer in your family and your spouse is still not a believer in
the Lord Jesus Christ. Often things can be difficult because of this difference in faith. You may find it difficult
to have time for personal devotion, take time to worship at a local church, or give financially into God’s
Kingdom. There may be challenges in the way you would want to bring up your children, and several other
differences leading to conflict.
124
Here is what the Scriptures teach us in such situations.

12
o the others I say (I, myself, not the Lord): if a Christian man has a wife who is an unbeliev
To
T er and she ag
unbeliever agrrees to ggo
o on living
with him, he m ust not div
must or
divorce her
orce her..
13
And if a Christian w woman unbeliever
oman is married to a man who is an unbeliev agrrees to ggo
er and he ag her,, she m
o on living with her must divor
ust not div orce
orce
him.
14
For the unbelieving husband is made acceptable to God by being united to his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made
acceptable to God by being united to her Christian husband. If this were not so, their children would be like pagan
children; but as it is, they are acceptable to God.
15
How
Howevever
er,, if the one who is not a believ
ever er wishes to leav
believer leavee the Christian partner
partner,, let it be so. In such cases the Christian
partner
partner,, whether husband or wife, is fr ee to act. God has called you to liv
free livee in peace.
16
How can you be sure, Christian wife, that you will not save your husband? Or how can you be sure, Christian husband, that
you will not save your wife?
1 Peter 3:1-2 (GNB)

1
In the same w ay you wiv
way es m
wives ust submit yourselv
must es to your husbands, so that if any of them do not believ
yourselves believee God’
God’ss word, your
word,
conduct will win them over to believe. It will not be necessary for you to say a word,
2
because they will see how pure and reverent your conduct is.
The key instructions we elicit from these two passages:
• Avoid divorce or separation and live peacefully together. The believing wife is to walk in respect and
submission to her non-believing husband. This of course should be “in the Lord”, that is as long as there
is no violation of faith. Trust that the Lord will touch the non-believing husband.
• God will bless your spouse and your children because of your faith in Him.
• However, if the spouse willfully abandons and leaves because of this difference in faith, then let him/her
depart in peace. The believing spouse is free to dissolve the marriage and move on.
Divor
Divor ce and Remarriag
orce Remarriagee
What are the instructions God has given us concerning divorce and remarriage?
Malachi 2:14-16 (GNB)

14
You ask why he no long er accepts them. It is because he knows you hav
longer havee broken your pr
broken omise to the wife you married when
promise
you w er
eree young. She w
wer as your partner
was partner,, and you hav
havee broken your pr
broken omise to her
promise her,, although you pr omised befor
promised beforee God that
you w ould be faithful to her
would her..
15
Didn’t God make you one body and spirit with her? What was his purpose in this? It was that you should have children who
ar
aree truly God’
God’ss people. So make sur
suree that none of you br eaks his pr
breaks omise to his wife.
promise
16
“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel. “I hate it when one of you does such a cruel thing to his wife. Make sure that
you do not break your promise to be faithful to your wife.”

31
“It was also said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a written notice of divorce.’
32
But now I tell you: if a man divorces his wife for any cause other than her unfaithfulness, then he is guilty of making her
commit adultery if she marries again; and the man who marries her commits adultery also.

3
Some Pharisees came to Him and tried to trap Him by asking, “Does our Law allow a man to divorce his wife for whatever
reason he wishes?”
125
4
Jesus answered, “Haven’t you read the scripture that says that in the beginning the Creator made people male and female?
5
And God said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, and the two will become one.’
6
So they araree no long er tw
longer o, bbut
two, ut one. No human being m ust separate, then, what God has joined to
must toggether.”
ether.”
7
The Pharisees asked Him, “Why “Why,, then, did Moses giv
givee the law for a man to hand his wife a div
divor
orce
or ce notice and send her
away?”
8
Jesus answered, “Moses gave you permission to divorce your wives because you are so hard to teach. But it was not like that
at the time of creation.
9
I tell you, then, that any man who divorces his wife for any cause other than her unfaithfulness, commits adultery if he marries
some other woman.”

10
FFor havee a command which is not my own bbut
or married people I hav ut the Lord’s: a wife m
Lord’s: ust not leav
must leavee her husband;
11
but if she does, she must remain single or else be reconciled to her husband; and a husband must not divorce his wife.
1 Corinthians 7:15 (GNB)

15
Howev
How er,, if the one who is not a believ
ever
ever er wishes to leav
believer leavee the Christian partner
partner,, let it be so. In such cases the Christian
partner
partner,, whether husband or wife, is fr ee to act. God has called you to liv
free livee in peace.
The Scriptures make it clear that God does not approve of divorce. So, we must operate out of this
understanding and instruction.
In the midst of marital conflict and distress, refuse to think about divorce as an option. If needed you
may temporarily separate for a short period of time to work through problems and difficult situations. But do
not consider divorce as a solution to your marriage problems. Get the help you need from a pastor or
counselor and work through the problems.
There are only two valid reasons for divorce—adultery or abandonment. However, even in such situations,
we encourage first of all that every attempt be made to work towards healing and restoration. Only after a
sincere effort has been made, then either of the couple is free to exercise their choice. There may be other
situations such as abuse (physical or emotional), destructive behaviors, willful neglect of the family (another
form of abandonment) that could eventually lead to a separation or divorce. In some situations, even though
one partner is desiring to work on the marriage, the other partner of their own, will opt for a divorce, which we
know is not God’s best, and yet they choose to make that decision.
As believers, we must understand that when a brother or sister is going through a divorce it is an extremely
painful process. We need to be gracious, gentle and supportive through this. We believe and pray for God’s
mercy and redemptive work in their lives. Should the Lord in due course of time lead them to re-marriage, we
should bless them in this. [NOTE: We do not support the indiscriminate, random divorce-remarriage-divorce-
remarriage that happens in some cultures where marriage and God’s instruction concerning marriage are not
honored. We support remarriage within the context of Biblical instruction and knowing the heart and mind of
God, as revealed to us in Scripture.]
Death of a Spouse
Psalm 68:5 A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation.
Psalm 146:9 The LORD watches over the strangers; He relieves the fatherless and widow; but the way of the wicked He turns
upside down.
Proverbs 15:25 The LORD will destroy the house of the proud, but He will establish the boundary of the widow.
126
Losing a spouse is a painful thing. We look to the Lord to comfort, strengthen and encourage us. With
God’s help we need to get back on our feet, complete the rest of the journey and finish the work He has
assigned to us.
God’s Word promises that God will defend the widow and work on their behalf.
Extended family members and local church family are provided instructions on how to take care of their
widows in 1 Timothy 5.
1 Timothy 5:3-16 (MSG)

3
Take carcaree of widows who ar aree destitute.
4
If a widow has family members to take car caree of her
her,, let them learn that rreligion
eligion begins at their own doorstep and that they
should pay back with ggratitude
ratitude some of what they hav havee rreceiv
eceived. This pleases God immensely
eceived. immensely..
5
YYou
ou can tell a legitimate widow by the w way
ay she has put all her hope in God, praying to him constantly for the needs of others
as well as her own.
6
But a widow who exploits people’people’ss emotions and pocketbooks—w
pocketbooks—well, ell, there’
e’ss nothing to her
there’ her..
7
Tell
T ell these things to the people so that they will do the right thing in their extended family family..
8
Anyone who neglects to car caree for family members in need rrepudiates That’ss w
epudiates the faith. That’ worse
orse than rrefusing believee in the first
efusing to believ
place.
9
Sign some widows up for the special ministry of offering assistance. They will in turn receive support from the church. They
must be ov er sixty
over sixty,, married only once,
10
and have a reputation for helping out with children, strangers, tired Christians, the hurt and troubled.
11
Don’t put young widows on this list. No sooner will they get on than they’ll want to get off, obsessed with wanting to get a
husband rather than serving Christ in this w ay
ay..
way
12
By breaking their word, they’re liable to go from bad to worse,
13
frittering away their days on empty talk, gossip, and trivialities.
14
No, I’d rather the young widows go ahead and get married in the first place, have children, manage their homes, and not give
critics any foothold for finding fault.
15
Some of them have already left and gone after Satan.
16
Any Christian woman who has widows in her family is responsible for them. They shouldn’t be dumped on the church. The
church has its hands full already with widows who need help.
Remarriagee
Death and Remarriag
Romans 7:2-3 (MSG)
2
or instance, a wife is leg
FFor ally tied to her husband while he liv
legally es, bbut
lives, ut if he dies, she’
she’ss free.
free.
3
lives
If she liv she’ss obviously an adulter
es with another man while her husband is living, she’ ess. But if he dies, she is quite fr
adulteress. ee to marry
free
another man in ggood
ood conscience, with no one’
one’ss disapprov
disapprov al.
oval.

8
Now, to the unmarried and to the widows I say that it would be better for you to continue to live alone as I do.
9
But if you cannot restrain your desires, go ahead and marry—it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Corinthians 7:39 (MSG)

A wife must stay with her husband as long as he lives. If he dies, she is free to marry anyone she chooses. She will, of course,
want to marry a believ er and hav
believer havee the blessing of the Master
Master..
The Bible states that a widower is free to remarry should they choose to. As a local church family, we
need to come alongside, support and bless their lives.
127
Proper preparation should be made in cases where remarriage happens, and children from two families
are brought together into one blended family. The husband-wife should agree to treat all children equally and
fairly. Children should feel loved and accepted by both parents.
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, Prayerfully assess any challenges you may be facing in your life. For each area of challenge, determine
what are the root causes (personal mistakes, things beyond your control, demonic attacks, etc.). For
each challenge, identify from Scripture God’s promises relevant to that area of challenge. Also, determine
what practical things you can do to overcome each area of challenge and come out victorious with God’s
help. If possible write these down.
TURNING POINT
1, Pray over each area of challenge you are facing claiming God’s promise and inviting God to fulfill His
Word in your life. Then declare God’s Word over those challenges. Command mountains to be moved.
Command situations to align themselves to what the Word of God declares.
ACTION ITEM
Read through the following free APC publications:
Don’t Lose Hope

The Night Seasons of Life
The Redemptive Heart of God
You can download PDF versions from apcwo.org/publications or send your postal address to
contact@apcwo.org and request your free printed copies.
128
12
PRESSING FORWARD
ORWARD BY RELEASING THE PAST
As we journey through life, we realize that several situations could arise that not only cause conflict within a
marriage relationship, but can cause hurt and leave someone wounded and scarred. This could happen
especially if a spouse has been abusive, violent, negligent, or unfaithful. In this chapter, we provide a short
word of encouragement challenging the one who has been wounded, to release the past and press forward
with God’s empowering grace.
Hurts, Wounds and Scars fr

Wounds om YYour
from our Best FFriend
riend
Psalm 41:9 (GNB) Even my best friend, the one I trusted most, the one who shared my food, has turned against me.
Hurt and pain that come from your own spouse through criticism, angry words, and other actions can be
very painful. This could leave a person emotionally wounded, scarred and crippled. However, we must not
permit the pain of the past rob us of the promise the future holds for us.
We must learn to release the past, receive healing for our wounds, strengthen ourselves in the Lord and
press forward into the future.
The Restorer of Our Souls

Psalm 23:3 He restores my soul;...
Psalm 30:11-12
11
YYou
ou hav
havee turned for me my mourning into dancing; YYou
ou hav
havee put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
12
To the end that my glory may sing praise to YYou
To ou and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will giv
givee thanks to YYou
ou forev
forev er
er..
ever
Isaiah 61:1-3
1
“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has
sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are
bound;
2
To pr
To oclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vveng
proclaim engeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn,
engeance
3
To console those who mourn in Zion, to giv
To givee them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the ggarment
arment of praise for
the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”
God is the Restorer of our souls, including our emotions. He is the One who turns things around even
emotionally. He heals the brokenhearted. He consoles us. He replaces the ashes with beauty. He brings in joy
in place of mourning and praise in place of heaviness.
129
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON TWELVE: PRESSING FORWARD BY RELEASING THE PAST
The Power of Forgiveness

21
There are four things that the earth itself cannot tolerate:
22
a slave who becomes a king, a fool who has all he wants to eat,
23
a hateful woman who gets married, and a servant woman who takes the place of her mistress.
1 John 2:9-11
9
He who says he is in the light, and hates his brother
other,, is in darkness until now
brother now..
10
He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.
11
But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the
darkness has blinded his eyes.
While we do not have control on offenses that come against us, we can and should keep ourselves from
walking in hate. When either spouse carries hate in their heart it leads to an intolerable situation. As believers,
we cannot carry hate in our heart towards anyone. Hate blinds us, causing us to stumble, do foolish things, not
knowing where we are going or what we are doing.
Luke 17:3-4 (GNB)

3
So watch what you do! “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.
4
against
If he sins ag seven
ainst you sev epent,’ you m
day,, and each time he comes to you saying, ‘I rrepent,’
en times in one day ust for
must giv
givee him.”
forgiv
The antidote to hate is to release forgiveness to the offender for the wrong that was done. Even the Lord
Jesus when He was betrayed and crucified spoke forgiveness to His persecutors in the midst of His pain and
suffering. We are called to release forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a willful commitment to let go of resentment, bitterness and the need for vengeance.
Granting forgiveness to your spouse is not waiting for the time till all your wounds can heal. Forgiveness is not
harboring your anger but resolving it by releasing your anger and resentment over to God (Romans 12:17).
Forgiveness is unconditional—it has to be given freely without expecting anything in return as it is a command
from God to forgive (Colossians 3:13). Forgiveness is a decision and not an emotion. It must be extended
even when we don’t “feel” like it. It is a choice and an act of the will. The spouse who grants forgiveness is not
a sacrificial victim but a living testimony of Christ’s love. When you grant forgiveness, you declare that the
situation is dead and you release the right to cling on, dwell on or bring up the offense later.
The PPow
ower of FFor
ower or
orggetting
13
Of course, my friends, I rreally
eally do not think that I hav
havee already w
already on it; the one thing I do, how
won ev
howev er
er,, is to for
ever forgget what is behind
me and do my best to reach what is ahead.
14
So I run straight toward the ggoal
toward oal in order to win the prize, which is God’
God’ss call through Christ Jesus to the life abov
through above.e.
15
All of us who are spiritually mature should have this same attitude. But if some of you have a different attitude, God will
make this clear to you.
Not only are we to forgive, but we are to forget. This again is what God Himself does with our wrongs. He
removes them as the Scriptures tell us as far as the east is from the west. He buries them in the depths of the
sea. He cleanses us, forever wiping away our offenses. He remembers them no more. God now calls us to
forgive as He forgives which includes forgetting what was done. Once forgotten, although we may be able to
recall what happened, we no longer live in the pain of the offense.
130
The Power of Letting Go

Hebrews 12:1-2 (GNB)
1
As for us, w
wee hav
havee this lar
largge crowd of witnesses ar
crowd ound us. So then, let us rid ourselv
around es of ev
ourselves erything that ggets
everything ets in the way
ay,,
way
and of the sin which holds on to us so tightly
tightly,, and let us run with determination the race that lies befor
beforee us.
2
Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end. He did not give up because of the
cross! On the contrary
cross! contrary,, because of the joy that w as w
was aiting for him, he thought nothing of the disg
waiting race of dying on the cr
disgrace oss,
cross,
and he is now seated at the right side of God’
God’ss thr one.
throne.
Hebrews 12:12-16 (GNB)

12
Lift up your tired hands, then, and strengthen your trembling knees!
13
Keep walking on straight paths, so that the lame foot may not be disabled, but instead be healed.
14
T ry to be at peace with ev
Try eryone, and try to liv
everyone, livee a holy life, because no one will see the Lord without it.
15
Guard against turning back from the grace of God. Let no one become like a bitter plant that grows up and causes many
troubles with its poison.
16
Let no one become immoral or unspiritual like Esau, who for a single meal sold his rights as the older son.
We also need to let go of the experience itself. We cannot permit the pain, hurt, anger, bitterness - the
emotions associated with the traumatic experience in the past, become a weight and burden to us. We must
release these to God and get them off our lives. These should not become a burden that weighs us down or
something that cripples our progress.
Seeing the Other as Christ Sees Them

We learn to see our spouse as Christ sees them. For instance, if our spouse who has hurt and wounded us has
asked forgiveness and repented before God, we need to see them as God sees them. We need to acknowledge
that God has indeed forgiven them and made them clean.
Declaring the Positive in the Face of Negatives

We need to engage actively in our healing and recovering from the hurts, wounds and scars of the past. A very
important part of this process is to declare the positive based on the promises of God, despite the negatives.
We must acknowledge the good things that are in us, in Christ, even though at the moment, we may be
emotionally in pain and hurt. We must declare the promise of blessing even though at the moment we may
seem to be at the lowest point in our lives. Declaring God’s Word is a healing balm to our own soul and brings
healing into our lives and begins to shape and mold our future into what God desires it to be.
He Makes All Things New

Job 42:10,12 (GNB)
10
Then, after Job had prayed for his three friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he
had had before.
12
The LORD blessed the last part of Job’
Job’ss life even mor
even moree than he had blessed the first....
Psalm 30:5,11
5
For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
11
havee turned for me my mourning into dancing; YYou
You hav havee put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
ou hav
131
God is able to make all things new in our lives. For Job, God caused him to prosper once again, have
twice as much as before and Job’s latter part of life was even more blessed than the beginning. He went
through the season of turmoil and pain. God brought him through and brought him out into something much
better than his past. We see this in the lives of so many people in the Bible. Joseph went through his time as a
slave and in prison. But God brought him out to be the prime minister. David went through his time of living
in caves and surviving, but God brought him into being king over Israel. The night passes and morning dawns.
God turns our mourning into dancing. He removes our garments of mourning and clothes us with gladness. He
restores dignity, shows us our true worth and fills us with confidence. Believe that God will do this for you too.
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, While the hurts and wounds inflicted by the one you love are most painful, we always have the choice of
releasing forgiveness, forgetting and letting go of the past and believing God for a glorious future. In his
book “The New Freedom of Forgiveness” (© 2000 Moody Press), David Augsburger provides five steps
to forgiveness and restored relationships. If this is relevant to what you have experienced, can you work
through these:
A, Restoring the attitude of love : Choose to see the person who has offended you as full of worth and
precious regardless of any wrongdoing and choose to love them again.
B, Releasing the painful past : Accept the person who has offended you for who they are today and
not to hold the past against them.
C, Reconstructing the relationship : Accept their repentance and extend forgiveness and begin
rebuilding the relationship.
D, Reopening the future : While not every forgiveness will lead to a continuing conversation or the
resumption of the previous relationship, you choose to step into the future, free of the past. If you
choose to be together, you continue to walk in love and forgiveness.
E, Reaffirming the relationship : Reconciliation must end in celebration with acceptance and mutual
affirmation for who each other are and expecting the best for the future.
TURNING POINT
As appropriate, pray for God’s empowering grace upon your life to walk in forgiveness, to forget, to let go, to
see the other person as Christ sees them, to declare the positive in the face of the negatives and to believe God
to make all things new in your life.
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ACTION ITEM
If relevant, try to get a copy and read through “The New Freedom of Forgiveness” by David Augsburger, (c)
2000 Moody Press.
133
134
13
BOUNDARIES
OUNDARIES
Even though a man and woman are married, it does not automatically insulate them from emotional and
sexual affections to other people of the opposite sex. A married man can still feel attracted to other women,
and so also a married woman can feel attracted to other men. Romantic affections for someone outside of
your marriage usually begins in a casual way, with a colleague at work or with a friend who may be going
through a difficult time and you with good intentions wanted to just lend a listening ear. Soon emotional
affections begin to develop which leads to emotional entanglement. This if not checked can lead to physical
affection and sexual involvement. The impact of such emotional entanglements can be devastating to the
marriage.
We must understand that marriage does not come with automatic self-protection. Instead we must guard
our marriages by guarding our minds, emotions and affections. None of us are immune to these attacks and
temptations. No matter how spiritual a person might be, or how involved in Christian ministry, we are all
vulnerable in this area. Hence, all of us must recognize this area of potential danger and do what is necessary
to protect our marriages. This is the focus of this chapter.
Beware the Seductress

Proverbs 2:16-22 (MSG)
16
Wise friends will rrescue
escue you fr om the T
from emptr
Temptr ess—that smooth-talking Seductr
emptress—that ess
Seductress
17
Who’
Who’ss faithless to the husband she married years ag o, nev
ago, er ggav
never av
avee a second thought to her pr omises befor
promises beforee God.
18
Her whole way of life is doomed; every step she takes brings her closer to hell.
19
No one who joins her company ever comes back, ever sets foot on the path to real living.
20
So—join the company of good men and women, keep your feet on the tried and true paths.
21
It’
It’ss the men who w alk straight who will settle this land, the w
walk omen with integ
women rity who will last her
integrity e.
here.
22
The corrupt will lose their lives; the dishonest will be gone for good.
Proverbs 11:16 (GNB) A gracious woman is respected, but a woman without virtue is a disgrace.
Proverbs 11:22 (GNB) Beauty in a woman without ggood

woman ood judgment is like a ggold
old ring in a pig’
pig’ss snout.

4
Trreat wisdom as your sister
T sister,, and insight as your closest friend.
5
away
They will keep you aw from
ay fr men’ss wiv
om other men’ wives, from
es, fr omen with seductiv
women
om w seductivee words.
words.

21
So she tempted him with her charms, and he gave in to her smooth talk.
22
Suddenly he was going with her like an ox on the way to be slaughtered, like a deer prancing into a trap
23
wher
wheree an arrow w
arrow ould pier
would ce its heart. He w
pierce as like a bird ggoing
was oing into a net—he did not know that his life was in dang
was er
er..
danger
24
Now then, sons, listen to me. Pay attention to what I say
say..
135
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON THIRTEEN: BOUNDARIES
25
Do not let such a woman win your heart; don’
woman don’tt ggo
ow andering after her
wandering her..
26
She has been the ruin of many men and caused the death of too many to count.
Our observation makes us aware that extra-marital affairs, infidelity, and unfaithfulness in marriage happens
all around us and is perhaps on the rise in urban centers. Men and women “flirt” so freely in the workplace.
They use suggestive and sometimes explicit ways to lure each other into romantic relationships without giving
regard to the institution of marriage. Men and women at all levels are lured into illicit and immoral relationships.
Whether a one night stand or an ongoing affair, many men and women are taken prey and face dire consequences.
Some men and women prowl for their next victim, going from one adulterous relationship to another.
The workplace is their hunting ground. It takes wisdom and grace to stay away from the seductive lure of such
people.
It’
It’ss a Slow FFade
ade into Darkness
Proverbs 9:17-18
17
“Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”
18
But he does not know that the dead are there, that her guests are in the depths of hell.
In the majority of cases, a married man or woman does not get into an adulterous relationship suddenly.
To go from a place of commitment to your own spouse to a place where you are accepting the idea that
“stolen water is sweet and bread eaten in secret is pleasant” is a process. It usually a slow slide into an
immoral relationship. It begins with a thought that the other person might be better than your spouse. The
more you interact or spend time with the other person, the more convinced you become that your spouse is
just not good enough. Soon you become dissatisfied with your own marriage. Emotional affections begin to
develop. You constantly think and fantasize about the other person. Your interactions whether through personal
meetings, phone calls, texting or other means begin to increase. This is emotional entanglement. With emotional
entanglement there is increasing interaction as well as increasing secrecy. It would not be long before you
begin to show physical affection. And thereafter, the two fall into sexual sin. All of this usually happens in the
“dark.” Things are kept secret until exposed.
Why do people fall into this

Very often there are emotional hurts at the root. A feeling of being unloved by one’s own spouse, a sense of
rejection, unmet emotional needs, unfulfilled expectations, emotional pain or trauma, teenage affections and
fantasies that have not been dealt with—these and other similar emotional issues make a person vulnerable to
extra-marital affairs.
136
Sometimes, living with low or no moral standards, willing to compromise on personal values, low commitment
to the Lord and His Word, poor commitment to one’s spouse and low tolerance to sin, also make people
vulnerable to immoral relationships.
For others, pride and a sense of entitlement that comes with success, position, power or influence gets some
people to go seeking for excitement outside of their own marriage.
Be On Double Guard During Times of PPersonal

Times ersonal Crisis or Triumph
Triumph
2 Samuel 11:1-4 (MSG)
1
When that time of year came around again, the anniversary of the Ammonite aggression, David dispatched Joab and his
fighting men of Israel in full force to destroy the Ammonites for good. They laid siege to Rabbah, but David stayed in
Jerusalem.
2
One late afternoon, David got up from taking his nap and was strolling on the roof of the palace. From his vantage point
on the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was stunningly beautiful.
3
David sent to ask about herher,, and w as told, “Isn’
was “Isn’tt this Bathsheba, daughter of Eliam and wife of Uriah the Hittite?”
4
David sent his ag ents to gget
agents et her
her.. After she arrived, he w
arrived, ent to bed with her
went her.. (This occurred during the time of “purification”
occurred
following her period.) Then she returned home.
King David was a very godly man, a man who loved God deeply and a man after God’s own heart. David
had accomplished much as king of Israel. He had seen great victories and earned great respect from all his
people. “David became even more famous when he returned from killing eighteen thousand Edomites in Salt
Valley. He set up military camps throughout Edom, and the people there became his subjects. The LORD
made David victorious everywhere. David ruled over all of Israel and made sure that his people were always
treated fairly and justly.” (2 Samuel 8:13-15 GNB). However, at a time when he was at his zenith, something
disastrous happened. David saw Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah, a beautiful woman, and got her to himself and
committed adultery. He then went on to commit murder to cover up his wrongdoing.
This incident teaches us something very important. In our times of heightened success we tend to let our
guard down and we become very vulnerable. This is also true of times of intense crisis. During such times in
our lives, our judgment is usually poor and we tend to make wrong choices. We fall into things we normally
would avoid and walk away from. It is important for us to be on double guard, to keep our defenses up and
strong, during times of great success or intense crisis. An impulsive, ill-thought of decision, that one-night-
stand or a moment of weakness,can have long lasting consequences.
Don’
Don’tt Trade Enduring Intimacies for Cheap Thrills
Trade
1
Dear friend, pay close attention to this, my wisdom; listen very closely to the way I see it.
2
Then you’ll acquire a taste for good sense; what I tell you will keep you out of trouble.
3
The lips of a seductive woman are oh so sweet, her soft words are oh so smooth.
4
But it w on’
on’tt be long befor
won’ beforee she’
she’ss ggrav
ravel in your mouth, a pain in your gut, a w
ravel ound in your heart.
wound
5
She’
She’ss dancing down the primr ose path to Death; she’
primrose she’ss headed straight for Hell and taking you with her
her..
6
She hasn’
hasn’tt a clue about Real Life, about who she is or wher wheree she’
she’ss ggoing.
oing.
7
don’tt tr
So, my friend, listen closely; don’ treat words
eat my w casually..
ords casually
8
Keep your distance from such a woman; absolutely stay out of her neighborhood.
137
9
YYou
ou don’
don’tt want to squander your w
want onderful life, to w
wonderful aste your pr
waste ecious life among the hardhearted.
precious
10
Why should you allow strangers to take advantage of you? Why be exploited by those who care nothing for you?
11
YYou don’tt w
ou don’ want
ant to end your life full of rreg
egrrets, nothing bbut
eg ut skin and bones,
12
Saying, “Oh, why didn’t I do what they told me? Why did I reject a disciplined life?
13
Why didn’t I listen to my mentors, or take my teachers seriously?
14
My life is ruined! I haven’t one blessed thing to show for my life!”
15
Do you know the saying, “Drink from your own rain barrel, draw water from your own spring-fed well”?
16
It’ss true. Otherwise, you may one day come home and find your barr
It’ barrel
el empty and your w well
ell polluted.
17
YYour
our spring w ater
water is for you and you only
only,, not to be passed around
around among strangers.
strangers.
18
Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the wife you married as a young man!
19
Lovely
Lov angel,
ely as an ang el, beautiful as a rrose—don’
ose—don’tt ev
ose—don’ ever body.. Nev
er quit taking delight in her body Never lovee for ggranted!
er take her lov ranted!
20
Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore? For dalliance with a promiscuous stranger?
21
Mark w well doesn’tt miss a mov
ell that GOD doesn’ movee you make; he’he’ss aw
awar
aree of ev
ar every
ery step you take.
22
The shadow of your sin will overtake you; you’ll find yourself stumbling all over yourself in the dark.
23
Death is the reward of an undisciplined life life;; your foolish decisions trap you in a dead end.
Proverbs Chapter 5 contrasts the cheap thrills of engaging in an immoral relationship versus the enduring
intimacy you can enjoy with your own spouse. The cheap thrill is momentary. It leaves you ruined. The
enduring intimacy with your own spouse is like a fresh flowing fountain. God’s instruction is not to trade the
enduring intimacy you can enjoy with your own wife with the cheap thrill of a seductress. Let this be branded
in your own soul, your heart and your mind. Nothing can replace what you enjoy with your own wife.
Adultery Is a Brainless Act, Soul-Destroying, Self-Destructive

23
For sound advice is a beacon, good teaching is a light, moral discipline is a life path.
24
They’ll protect you from wanton women, from the seductive talk of some temptress.
25
Don’tt lustfully fantasize on her beauty
Don’ beauty,, nor be taken in by her bedr
bedroom
oom eyes.
26
YYou
ou can bbuy whoree for a loaf of br
uy an hour with a whor bread,
ead, bbut wanton
ut a wanton wwoman
oman may w ell eat you aliv
well e.
alive.
27
Can you build a fire in your lap and not burn your pants?
28
Can you walk barefoot on hot coals and not get blisters?
29
It’ss the same when you hav
It’ havee sex with your neighbor’
neighbor’ss wife: T
Touch
ouch her and you’ll pay for it. No excuses.
30
Hunger is no excuse for a thief to steal;
31
When he’he’ss caught he has to pay it back, ev en if he has to put his whole house in hock.
even
32
Adultery is a brainless act, soul-destroying, self-destructive;
33
Expect a bloody nose, a black eye, and a reputation ruined for good.
34
For jealousy detonates rage in a cheated husband; wild for revenge, he won’t make allowances.
35
Nothing you say or pay will make it all right; neither bribes nor reason will satisfy him.
Job 31:12 (MSG)

Adultery is a fire that burns the house down; I wouldn’t expect anything I count dear to survive it.
The consequences of adultery can be severe. Adultery seems exciting, but that is momentary. Adultery
is self-destructive. Let’s understand the seriousness and make no excuses for ourselves.
138
Women, Stay On Guard

Proverbs 12:4 (GNB)
ood wife is her husband’
A ggood husband’ss pride and joy; bbut
ut a wife who brings shame on her husband is like a cancer in his bones.
Proverbs 14:1 (GNB)

Homes are made by the wisdom of women, but are destroyed by foolishness.

This is how an unfaithful wife acts: she commits adultery
adultery,, takes a bath, and says, “But I haven’
en’tt done anything wr
haven’ ong!”
wrong!”
There are men who are perennial violators and look for vulnerable women who are willing to yield to
their seductive pull. So this is just a word to married and single women to always stay on guard from such men
on the prowl. A wife’s foolishness can destroy her home and bring shame and pain on her husband and
children. Wife, remember you are your husband’s pride and joy. Stand your ground. Let your husband be
proud of you.
Women, Dress Modestly

Dress
9
I also want the women to be modest and sensible about their clothes and to dress properly; not with fancy hair styles or with
gold ornaments or pearls or expensive dresses,
10
but with good deeds, as is proper for women who claim to be religious.
1 Peter 3:1-6 (GNB)

1
In the same w ay you wiv
way es m
wives ust submit yourselv
must es to your husbands, so that if any of them do not believ
yourselves believee God’
God’ss word, your
word,
conduct will win them over to believe. It will not be necessary for you to say a word,
2
because they will see how pure and reverent your conduct is.
3
YYou
ou should not use outw ard aids to make yourselv
outward es beautiful, such as the w
yourselves ay you fix your hair
way hair,, or the jew elry you put on,
jewelry
or the dr esses you w
dresses ear
ear..
wear
4
Instead, your beauty should consist of your true inner self, the ageless beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of the
greatest vvalue
alue in God’
God’ss sight.
5
For the devout women of the past who placed their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful by submitting themselves
to their husbands.
6
Sarah w as like that; she obeyed Abraham and called him her master
was master.. YYou
ou ar
aree now her daughters if you do ggood ood and ar
aree not
afraid of anything.
Part of a women’s defense and self-protection is to dress modestly. It should be well understood that
men are turned on by what they see. So when a woman is scantily or provocatively clothed, it obviously gets
the attention of men. She is setting herself up for unnecessary trouble.
Taking the Road to FFrreedom

What if you as husband or wife have fallen into an emotional entanglement, engaged in adultery or an immoral
relationship and you want to get out? Is there hope? What is the way out?
Coming back strong

It is important to understand that there is no situation too hard or difficult for God to restore and redeem. No
matter how far you have fallen, if you are willing to repent and turn to the Lord for help, He is able to rescue.
139
With God’s help you can recover. You can arise. You can come back strong. “But me, I’m not giving up. I’m
sticking around to see what GOD will do. I’m waiting for God to make things right. I’m counting on God to
listen to me. Don’t, enemy, crow over me. I’m down, but I’m not out. I’m sitting in the dark right now, but GOD
is my light.” (Micah 7:7-8 MSG)
father’ss lov
The father’ lovee
Once the prodigal son came to his senses and realized that what he had done only ruined his life and brought
him to the lowest depths, he decided to return to his father’s home (Luke 15:11-24). That was the only thing left.
As he journeyed home, he was willing to just be treated as a servant in his father’s house. He was preparing for
a reception of shame and humiliation. However, he was welcomed with the most unexpected love, endowed
with the best robe, a ring and great celebration. This was a picture the Lord Jesus painted for us to get a
glimpse of the love that God has for us. The Father’s love is immensely greater, superior and stronger than any
human love. Nothing can separate us from the love that God has for us in Christ. We can rest assured that if we
return like the prodigal son, back to the Lord, He will welcome us with arms of love.
Shepherd of my soul
The Lord is the Shepherd of our souls. He is very interested even in the one wayward lost sheep. He is the
Good Shepherd who goes looking for the one lost sheep and celebrates when he finds it (Luke 15:4-7). “For
you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” (1 Peter
2:25). He is able to restore and make us whole once again (Psalm 23:3). Have assurance in the fact that God
longs for us to return to Him, and when we do, He is able to mend us, restore us and make us whole.
Out of the ashes we rise

God by the power of His Holy Spirit can turn things around in our lives. His anointing, the presence and power
of His Holy Spirit is here “To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy
for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” (Isaiah 61:3). The Holy Spirit can do this in your life as
well. He can turn our mourning into dancing, put off our sackcloth and clothe us with gladness (Psalm 30:11).
A journey of a thousand miles

Falling into adultery is like falling into a trap. You find your feet caught in the net. As you look to the Lord He
steps in to rescue your feet from the net in which you are trapped. “My eyes are ever toward the LORD, for He
shall pluck my feet out of the net.” (Psalm 25:15).
Remember that the Lord is here “To bring out prisoners from the prison, those who sit in darkness from the
prison house.” (Isaiah 42:7). He will open the prison doors but you have to walk out into your freedom. It may
seem like a long, painful road to recovery, but even a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. And
you make the journey one step at a time. Each step you take, brings you closer to your freedom.
This journey begins by you calling sin as sin. You need to stop rationalizing and excusing your sin. You
need to get rid of the lies you believed. Lies that said your adulterous relationship was ok. Lies that said that
you just can’t help it. Lies that said that you deserve to have someone else instead of your spouse. No excuses.
Sin is sin and you stand answerable most of all to God.
140
Then you need to recognize the seriousness of what you have done, how you have fallen, how you have
messed up and ruined your own life and the lives of others connected to you. There has to be a recognition of
the sin and what it has caused. Experiencing pain and remorse over what has happened is essential and good
because “godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation,” (2 Corinthians 7:10). There must be
repentance, humility and taking responsibility for the wrong that has been done.
Then comes a challenging step. The step to cut off, to break the ties that bind you to the other person
with whom you engaged in an extra-marital affair. Breaking off this emotional entanglement can be difficult but
is absolutely necessary if you are going to be completely free.
Cutting Off to Break Free

27
“Y ou hav
“You havee heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery
was .’
adultery.’
28
But now I tell you: anyone who looks at a woman and wants to possess her is guilty of committing adultery with her in his
heart.
29
So if your right eye causes you to sin, take it out and throw it away! It is much better for you to lose a part of your body
than to have your whole body thrown into hell.
30
If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away! It is much better for you to lose one of your limbs than to
have your whole body go off to hell.
The Lord Jesus taught us how to deal with sin. He used adultery as an example. As far as He is concerned
emotional adultery is the same as physical adultery. The desire to posses for immoral reasons is the same as
committing the act. This has to be dealt with severity. He described it in terms similar to amputation, a painful
cutting off of what is offensive and causing you to sin.
Breaking free from an extra-marital affair, from an immoral relationship, from an emotional entanglement
is the same. It requires amputation. It has to be dealt with severity. It will be painful, but there is no other way.
Recognize what led you into this immoral relationship and reverse the choices you made. Stop spending
time with the person. Stop interacting and other communication with the person. If you need to relocate,
change jobs or take an extended break, do whatever is required to stay completely away from the person with
whom you have sinned.
Beware of satan’s deceptions and other lies that will invite you to compromise and accommodate a little
bit of the other person in your life. Remember, if you give sin an inch, it will take a yard. Don’t give the devil
any access and any foothold in your life (Ephesians 4:27). What you tolerate will eventually dominate. So have
zero tolerance for any contact or association with the other person. You are doing this for your benefit as well
as for the benefit of the other person.
Get the help of your pastor, spiritual mentor or counselor to walk with you through this process. Be
honest. Be accountable. Be consistent. As you keep chopping away little by little, eventually you will be able
to cut right through.
141
Reconciliation and Healing—The Offender and the Offended

Adultery is devastating to any marriage. The spouse who has been betrayed goes through immense pain and
needs help and support through this time. It definitely will take a lot of grace for the offended spouse to
forgive, reconcile and see the marriage restored. The offended spouse needs time to work through this
emotionally. It will not be easy. Some may be able to make this journey. Some may not and may choose to end
the marriage, which we know is Scripturally permitted. Either way, the offended spouse needs to release
forgiveness even though what has happened is real and cannot be reversed. Work towards having a heart of
love and without offense. We are called to love as God loves. The offended spouse will need the grace to
actually live out much of what we have learnt from the Scriptures in Chapters 10 to 12, in this manual. Get the
help of a pastor, counselor or trusted friend or group of friends to help you journey through this and come to
a place of wholeness.
The offender, the spouse who committed adultery, needs to receive forgiveness and accept and honor
the decision of the spouse who has been offended. Choose to walk in love without retaliation regardless of the
decision that has been made. The person will also have to deal with the root cause of this problem in their
lives so that it does not become a repetitive behavior pattern. The ax has to be laid to the root. It will be useful
to get the help of a pastor or counselor to work through this.
The Lord is able to make all things new. It is beautiful to see a husband and wife who have endured the
crisis of infidelity and have still come out strong, together and faithful to each other. While the journey itself
is not easy, there is sufficient grace available and there is the beauty of God released and reflected through
the healing and reconciliation.
Even if such a married couple who have encountered the crisis of infidelity go their separate ways, we
need to be loving, supportive and encourage each individual to still pursue God’s purpose for their lives.
Some things cannot be reversed, but God is able to help redeem and raise each person up to their highest and
best in Him.
Establish Moral Fences and Stay Within Boundaries

1 Peter 5:8
sober,, be vigilant; because your adv
Be sober ersary the devil w
adversary alks about like a rroaring
walks oaring lion, seeking whom he may devour
our..
devour
Job 31:1 (GNB) I have made a solemn promise never to look with lust at a woman.

11
Your insight and understanding will pr otect you
protect
12
and prevent you from doing the wrong thing. They will keep you away from people who stir up trouble by what they say—
13
those who have abandoned a righteous life to live in the darkness of sin,
14
those who find pleasure in doing wrong and who enjoy senseless evil,
15
unreliable people who cannot be trusted.
16
YYou
ou will be able to rresist
esist any immoral w oman who tries to seduce you with her smooth talk,
woman
17
who is faithless to her own husband and forgets her sacred vows.
18
If you ggo
o to her house, you araree traveling the rroad
traveling oad to death. To ggo
To o ther
theree is to approach the w
approach orld of the dead.
world
19
No one who visits her ever comes back. He never returns to the road to life.
142
The purpose of this chapter is to alert us to this dangerous pitfall that is best avoided with all caution.
While there is hope for any casualty, it is best to be preventive and to ensure that our marriages are secured
from the sin of infidelity. Hence, it is important for both the husband and wife to establish moral fences and
stay within boundaries. Think this through for your own self and establish in your own mind and heart boundaries
in how you will relate to the opposite sex. You know your own areas of vulnerability and hence do your utmost
to guard your sexual affections and appetites. When you are going through times of success or crisis be on
double guard.
Keeping your boundaries firm. Developing a discipline in the way you interact with the opposite sex can
go a long way in securing your marriage. Here are a few practical tips that can help:
✓ Maintain emotional and sexual fulfillment within your own marriage. Don’t let boredom sneak into your
marriage. Laugh. Do fun things. Clown around. Have fun. This is an important preventive measure you
can take.The more satisfied you are with your own marriage and family the less likely you are to look
outside.
✓ Don’t do something you would not like your spouse to be doing.
✓ Avoid being away from your spouse for extended periods of time. This is especially true for those who
have to travel frequently. Stay connected with your spouse regularly.
✓ If you are a working professional, do not pair up with a colleague of the opposite sex for business trips.
✓ Refrain from going out alone, taking drives/rides with someone of the opposite sex other than your
spouse.
✓ Be careful about your chatting, use of social media and other online interactions with the opposite
sex.Be transparent and open about your mails, messages and social networking messages. Share passwords.
✓ Guard your mind, your thoughts, imaginations, feelings and affections. The moment you feel wrong
thoughts or affections being aroused towards someone of the opposite gender, deal with it. Take it to
God in prayer. Consecrate your thoughts and affections. Cast out evil thoughts and affections.
✓ Maintain your internal boundaries—make a commitment to being careful not to ‘think’ of someone of the
opposite sex in our minds. We need to be aware that that thinking space is only reserved for our spouse.
When we break the internal boundaries, it is only a matter of time before it creeps into our actions.
✓ Speaking positively about your spouse in your conversation with others.
✓ Avoid giving overtly personal compliments to those of the opposite sex.
✓ Be careful in your interactions with that person towards whom you may have some feelings or who you
sense has certain romantic feelings towards you. Don’t express your feelings or give any indications of it
to the other person.
✓ Don’t flirt, don’t play with the other person’s emotions by dropping hints and other things that arouse
romantic interest.
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✓ Stay away from pornography, and other related things that cause you to sin in the area of sexuality.
✓ Avoid counseling someone of the opposite sex alone.
✓ Avoid discussing personal problems or emotional topics with someone of the opposite sex. This can be
a signal for emotional intimacy.
✓ Be intentional about severing past relationships.
✓ Establish any other boundaries that are relevant to your situation. Be brutally honest with yourself in this
area. Don’t fool yourself, you are no angel.
✓ If you are single, establish these boundaries now so that you will be strong in this area once you are
married.
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APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, Evaluate how you have been interacting with the opposite sex in your workplace or other social situations.
Are there changes you need to make? Are there stricter boundaries and moral fences you need to set for
your own life?
2, Consider a few concrete ways you can regularly affirm your love and affection to your own spouse. Start
doing this regularly (daily).
TURNING POINT
1, In prayer ask the Lord to help you establish strong moral boundaries for yourself. Ask God to give you
wisdom to guard yourself and stay away from any snare of the enemy.
ACTION ITEM
If appropriate get a copy and read the book “The Snare : Understanding Emotional and Sexual Entanglements”
by Lois Mowday Rabey.
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14
PARENTING PRIMER
In this chapter, we share Biblical and practical insights on parenting with the intent on laying a foundation for
our role as parents (or when you do become parents). We encourage you to study the remaining chapter in this
manual even if you are going through your pre-marital preparation or are newly married, as these lessons will
prepare you well in advance for what is coming up.
Embrace YYour
our Call to Be a Parent
Parent
Malachi 2:15 (GNB)
Didn’t God make you one body and spirit with her? What was his purpose in this? It was that you should have children who are
truly God’
God’ss people. So make sur
suree that none of you breaks his pr
breaks omise to his wife.
promise
This Scripture teaches us that one of God’s purposes in uniting a husband and wife in marriage is so that
they could have children who are raised up as God’s people (or as the New King James puts it “godly offspring”).
God instituted marriage and so everything that happens under that institution is also something divinely
appointed by God. Parenting or raising up godly offspring therefore, is a divine call, an invitation to co-labor
with God in carrying out His purpose. Parenting then is a God-ordained activity and hence a “ministry” itself.
Represent the Heavenly Father

14
FFor
or this rreason
eason I fall on my knees befor
beforee the FFather
ather
ather,,
15
from whom every family in heaven and on earth receives its true name.
Psalm 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward.
God is our heavenly Father. He has a family—part of His family is in heaven and part of His family is on
earth. The entire family receives its name - origin, being, identity and security - from the Father. All fatherhood
flows from God who is the ultimate Father.
Children are an inheritance from the Lord. This means that children actually belong to God, but have
been entrusted to us. Parenting then is a call to represent the Father God to children He has entrusted to us.
As parents, we know we are flawed and imperfect. Most of us are still learning what parenting is all
about. And in the midst of all of this, we are called to represent the Father God to our children. This is of
course very daunting. And yet this should be our aim and desire—to represent God to our children. Our
desire should be that our children will see God in us and through us and that our children will get an accurate
picture of God, and get a glimpse of the heart of the Father in and through our lives.
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON FOURTEEN: PARENTING PRIMER
Give Unconditional Love

17
and I pray that Christ will make his home in your hearts through faith. I pray that you may have your roots and foundation
in love,
18
so that you, totoggether with all God’
God’ss people, may hav
havee the pow er to understand how br
power oad and long, how high and deep, is
broad
Christ’
Christ’ss love.
love.
19
YYes,
es, may you come to know his lov love—although never
e—although it can nev er be fully known—and so be completely filled with the vvery naturee
ery natur
of God.
In the same passage where the apostle Paul points out to us that the entire family in heaven and earth
receives its name from the Father God, Paul goes on to describe the unlimited nature of God’s love. The love
of God is immeasurable and unconditional. There are no limits and there are no conditions. He loves us
because He is love. We need to extend the God-kind of love to our children to represent the heart of the
Father God to them. Our children need to know that they are loved at all times - when they are exceptional in
their behavior and even when they disappoint us. As parents we love them regardless of performance. We still
believe in them. We still desire the best for them.Everything we do should be birthed and undergirded by this
unconditional love.
Become YYour
our Child’
Child’ss “Role Model”
Proverbs 17:6 (MSG) Old people are distinguished by grandchildren; children take pride in their parents.
Proverbs 20:7 (MSG) God-loyal people, living honest lives, make it much easier for their children.
A role model is a person looked to by others as an example, as someone to be followed, emulated and
imitated. Role models are essentially people who are admired and hence emulated in one or more areas of
living. Through personal character, achievements or other success, role models influence behavior, affect
attitudes, inspire dreams and motivate action even without direct involvement.
For children, their parents are their first ‘heros’ or ‘role models.’ Children take pride in their parents.
Children inherently tend to want to be like their parents to begin with. This is a privileged position of influence
that parents have by default in the lives of their own children, to start of with. Add to this the opportunity for
direct and ongoing involvement in the lives of their own children. As parents we have a great opportunity
before us to shape and mold the lives entrusted to us. We can either build on this and have a strong positive
influence or with time lose out and have no lasting positive influence on our children.
Through the way we interact, in our attitudes, behaviors, words and actions, we need to consciously
model to our children the kind of people God desires us to be. Influence can be instructional, but mostly
comes through example. Who we are and what we do is more powerful than all that we say. Children need to
see us walk the talk. Then they will give weight to the words we speak. When they see us living godly lives,
honoring God and walking His ways, it makes it so much more easier for them to emulate this kind of life.
They know it can be done. They see it being done before their very eyes.
As parents, we are our child’s first teachers and we have a great influence on our children’s behavior.
Children are like sponges—they absorb what they hear and see us do into their own lives. This means that
both the good and the bad gets impressed upon them. Children learn their social skills, basic things like
saying ‘please,’ ‘thank you,’ ‘welcome,’ and ‘sorry’ from parents. They also learn how to speak to and about
people from their parents. They learn positive attitudes and behaviors like generosity, being forgiving, taking
responsibility, apologizing for mistakes, patience and endurance from parents. How we as parents handle
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stress and conflict will influence how children learn to react to similar situations. If we shout, scream, get
angry and get out of control, it is likely they will follow too, unless they are helped to unlearn this at a later
stage. Determine to set a non-violent and non-aggressive response to conflict and completely rule out verbal
or physical abuse.
As parents we have to be very careful that we unlearn some of the mistakes we saw our own parents make
in bringing us up. Our parents may have been forceful, strict disciplinarians, controlling, and may have had
other behaviors that were essentially unhealthy, but they did not know better. We must consciously model what
is good and healthy, most of all, what is holy and pleasing in God’s eyes to our children.
Character, e.g. honesty Behaviors, e.g. being polite Attitudes, e.g. being confident
Train for Life

Proverbs 22:6 (GNB) Teach childr
Teach en how they should liv
children e, and they will rremember
live, emember it all their life.
Proverbs 20:11 (GNB) Even children show what they are by what they do; you can tell if they are honest and good.
As parents in as much as we are responsible to provide, love and care for our children, we are also
responsible for training them for life. This has not only to do with giving them an education but more importantly
teaching them how to live. Teaching them how to live has to do with imparting to them values, principles,
disciplines and life-skills. This is a progressive journey. Some of these they pick up early on in life. Values
and principles are imbibed early and quickly. If we as parents place importance on honesty, integrity and
truthfulness, they will do so too. So as parents we need to intentionally work at imparting values, principles,
disciplines and life-skills to our children and do so at each stage of their growth and development.
Example: Honesty Punctuality Proper communication
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Understand YYour
our Children
Children
Psalm 127:3-5
3
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward.
4
arrows
Like arr warrior
ows in the hand of a warrior,, so ar
arrior aree the childr
children one’ss youth.
en of one’
5
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate.
Each child is unique and different. Even among children born in the same family, each child is different. The
Bible draws an interesting picture between arrows and children.
• Arrows need to be aimed before they are released - talks to us about training and equipping our children
into what is best for them.
• Arrows are weapons that can inflict defeat and cause victory - talks to us about the fact that children
themselves can be mighty on the earth and have impact and influence.”The good man’s children will be
powerful in the land; his descendants will be blessed.” (Psalm 112:2 GNB)
• Arrows can be released to travel varying distances based on the energy with which they are released -
talks to us about the fact that if we prepare them well and release them right, they can “go far” and
accomplish much.
• A quiver full of arrows talks about defense and protection which grown up children bring to their parents.
Before we can set our children in the right direction, equip and prepare them for maximum impact in their
lives, we need to understand them well. As parents, this is part of our responsibility. We must take the time
and make the effort to understand each child entrusted to us. Observe what things interest them, what challenges
them and what inspires them. Talk and listen to them. Let them share their thoughts and feelings.Observe their
behavior and interactions with others. Do things with them. Through such times that we engage with our
children, we will begin to understand them and then be able to help guide them into maximizing their potential,
ready to be released as sharpened arrows.
Grow Up with YYour

Grow our Children
Children
As children transition through varying stages of their growth and development, how we relate, teach, train and
discipline them will also change. We need to change how we engage with them through these stages. Broadly
speaking we differentiate these stages as childhood (0 to 5), pre-school (6 to 12), adolescence (12 to 18),
young adults (18 to 21) and then they move on to adulthood. The things we teach and how we instruct them,
and discipline them will change. Time moves ‘quickly’ and so we must also learn to adapt and work with them.
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engag
Changing eng agement
ag ement modes
Stage (ages) Engagement modes
teenagee transitions
Understand teenag
The teenager is working on discovering and establishing their interests, identity, security, beliefs and
other important values. They experiment. They try things out. They explore. It is important that as parents we
understand and work positively with our teenagers.
This could be
When the teenager says..... incorrectly perceived What is really being expressed....how the parent can
as..... engage and what the parent can help develop..
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This could be
When the teenager says..... incorrectly perceived What is really being expressed....how the parent can
engage and what the parent can help develop..
as.....
Discipline Without Destroying

Ephesians 6:4 (GNB)
ents, do not tr
Parents,
Par eat your childr
treat en in such a w
children ay as to make them ang
way ry
ry.. Instead, raise them with Christian discipline and
angry
instruction.
Colossians 3:21 (MSG) Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.
All of us understand the need for discipline, especially in the context of training children. The objective
of discipline is to teach, train and develop and not to inflict punishment or cause pain. The danger of an
authoritarian approach that hands out overly strict discipline is that it could cause anger to build up in
children or it could even crush their spirits, harming or damaging them emotionally.
This means that as parents we need to learn various methods of discipline that are healthy, suited to the
stage of growth of the child, and relevant to what we are trying to teach and impart to the child.
1, Keep discipline positive

Excessive or violent use of the spanker, use of other objects to spank, shouting, screaming, verbal abuse,
verbal insults, intimidation, guilt, negative pronouncements about their future and undue pressure are all
unhealthy ways of administering discipline. Nothing constructive comes out of such interactions. Most of us
parents have fallen into some of these at some point, and came out realizing that all we did was waste our
energy and made matters worse. At least we learnt how not to discipline and hopefully quickly corrected
ourselves.
The way parents discipline greatly affects their children’s behavior. Consider several positive forms of
discipline: explaining right and wrong and consequences; loss of certain privileges; enforcing time-outs;
enforcing other restrictions; delay in obtaining certain things until conditions are met; etc. Essentially, discipline
is to be educational, a time of learning where we modify the child’s bad behavior in a loving, positive and
calm manner.
2, Relationship then rules

We need to establish and keep developing a meaningful relationship with our children and based on that
relationship we communicate rules. We need to touch their heart before we can influence their thoughts and
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actions. When you engage with what interests them, then they pay attention to what is important to you. When
they know that you genuinely care, take time to listen and are willing to understand them, then they embrace
the rules you set because they are themselves assured you have their best interests at heart. Obedience will
come out of a desire to please the one they love and appreciate rather than out of morbid fear of consequences.
3, Boundaries that are understood

Boundaries set by parents need to be clear and consistent. There are some boundaries that never change. For
example, no cheating, no lying, no stealing and other similar boundaries that have to do with building character
and values are firm, fixed and do not change. There may be other boundaries that change depending on
certain conditions. For example, what time they need to be back home in the evenings after play, what time
they need to go to bed, when they can and cannot have friends over at home, and so on. As children grow up,
they like to know why such boundaries have been set. Take time to explain why. Be reasonable. Let them
understand and soon they will be able to make decisions based on what they have understood.
4, Increasing responsibility with autonomy

With maturity comes more freedom to make decisions (autonomy) but also responsibility. This means, as
parents we also learn to gradually give up our control, without giving up involvement. Our way of involvement
which moves from instruction (do this, don’t do this), to participation (follow me, here’s how to do this), to
influence (I think this is a better option. What do you think?). We need to give children room to grow.
Some areas where there needs to be freedom with strict boundaries are in the use of the internet, use of
digital devices and socializing (spending time with friends). Clearly explain the boundaries for the use of the
internet or digital devices which you may have given them. Explain the kinds of things they could see and what
they must avoid online. Set boundaries. Similarly with their choice of friends and the time they spend socializing.
Monitor what your kids see, read or how and with whom they spend time. Ask questions regularly but in a
polite and genuinely interested manner. Know what they are learning online or what is happening with their
friends. Lovingly correct and guide if you find anything going wrong.
5, Parents be in agreement
This perhaps is a very challenging area for most parents. Each parent comes with their own personal experience
of their growing up years and how their parents dealt with them, and hence their own understanding of how
best to work with their children. It is possible that there could be a conflict in each parent’s parenting style.
Parents themselves coming to a place of agreement and parenting in unison is important. Remember, nurturing
children in teamwork. Both husband and wife should be involved, and should be in agreement.
We have provided an exercise at the end of this chapter which we recommend all young parents to work
through, so that there will be agreement in how you work together in disciplining and nurturing your children.
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Parenting Styles:
Authoritarian Authoritative Permissive Uninvolved
Being authoritative, firm about the boundaries we set, clear about our expectations and involved with our
children, while being always loving and accepting is what children really need from us as parents. This brings
about the balance of clear guidance with supportive encouragement that children need to grow, mature and
thrive.
6, No partiality
Isaac and Rebekah had two sons, Esau and Jacob, twins, but since Esau came out first he was considered the
elder. However, we see in Rebekah, a mother who preferred Jacob over Esau (Genesis 27) and her interference
and preferential treatment of one over another sowed discord between two brothers and divided the family.
Jacob had twelve sons. And, he loved one of them, Joseph, more than the rest. This obviously caused the
rest to be against Joseph. “Jacob loved Joseph more than all his other sons, because he had been born to him
when he was old. He made a long robe with full sleeves for him. When his brothers saw that their father loved
Joseph more than he loved them, they hated their brother so much that they would not speak to him in a
friendly manner.”Genesis 37:3-4 (GNB).
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As parents we must never be partial toward any one of our children. Sure, there may be certain needs or
gender related differences that we as parents may have to deal with differently, but these need to be explained
to all children, understood and every child assured of fair and equal love and treatment from both parents.
7, Affirm and appreciate what is right

Affirm good behavior and use positive reinforcement to consolidate good behavior in your child. God Himself
affirms the one who does what is right. Some examples of this, God accepted Abel’s sacrifice but rejected
Cain’s. God stated that He loved Jacob, but hated Esau (Malachi 1:2-3). God commends the one who does
what is right. “Whoever fears Him and works righteousness is accepted by Him” (Acts 10:35).
Similarly, as parents, by saying simple things like “well done!,” “that’s a really good choice,” “I’m glad
you did that,” etc. we affirm good behavior. Sometimes doing other things, like a special dinner, a gift, a
celebration, etc. to affirm good behavior or achievement also positively reinforces this in the lives of our
children.
8, Handle things at the first instant

The story of David and how he dealt with his son Absalom brings out some important lessons. Absalom was
offended because his sister Tamar had been violated by his half-brother Amnon (2 Samuel 13). Even though
David had heard about this and was angry, he did not do anything about what had happened. Finally Absalom
took matters into his own hands and had his half-brother Amnon killed. Absalom fled for his life. After
sometime David had Absalom return to Jerusalem, but for two years he still did not go out to meet his son
Absalom (2 Samuel 14:28). Eventually Absalom led a rebellion against his own father David. One of the
important factors that led to Absalom’s rebellion could have been David’s inaction. Even though he knew of
the wrong that had been done he did not step in to address the matter. It leaves us with an important lesson
that we need to address matters as soon as possible. Don’t ignore wrong behaviors or wrong attitudes that you
see in children. Take them aside and address the matter lovingly. Be direct and be strong.
Don’tt eng
9, Don’ engag
agee in pointless ar
ag arguments
guments
Sometimes children or teenagers can begin to engage in argument or get into a debate about things. It is best
not to continue with the argument. Pause. Put things on hold. Later on, when tempers have simmered down
and when there is a willingness to learn, talk about the matter peacefully, explaining what needs to be explained.
10, Give yourself a time-out

When children misbehave and disappoint, it is easy to get “worked-up” about the situation. It is likely that you
will overreact and say and do things that are not right. The best thing to do is give yourself time to calm down,
think through on how best to handle the situation, pray, get God’s wisdom and then come back to address the
situation. There is nothing wrong in saying “Ok John, I see you’ve done this once again. We will need to talk
about this and see how to sort this out. Let’s sit down and work through this tomorrow evening.”
11, Always bring closure with love and security

Always affirm your unconditional love for your child, even after an intense time of discipline. You love your
child regardless of performance. Take your child alone and give him/her a good hug. Tell them you love them.
If you have been too harsh in disciplining your child or have misjudged the situation and wrongfully disciplined
155
your child, learn to accept your mistake and say sorry. Learn to recognize your mistakes and acknowledge and
apologize. This in itself is a learning experience for children as they learn that it is alright to recognize our
mistakes, accept responsibility, apologize and work on correcting ourselves.
Require Obedience
Proverbs 13:24 (MSG) A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them.

Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them.

13
Don’t hesitate to discipline children. A good spanking won’t kill them.
14
As a matter of fact, it may save their lives.

Correction and discipline ar
Correction aree ggood
ood for children. If they hav
children. havee their own way
ay,, they will make their mothers ashamed of them.
way
Proverbs 29:17
ect your son, and he will giv
Correct
Corr givee you rrest;
est; YYes,
es, he will giv
givee delight to your soul.
The Scriptures do instruct us as parents on the importance of requiring obedience through loving
correction. Training children to obey, correcting them, and guiding them is what we need to do as parents for
the well-being of our children.
We need to teach children how to establish order in their lives by having a daily routine. Give them a list
of their daily chores that are suitable for their age. Share specific expectations of them in behavior, their
academics, their responsibility at home and so on. Lovingly correct and discipline them for disobedience.
Commend, appreciate and encourage their obedience.
Remember that even God who is our loving heavenly Father disciplines us His children. Administering
loving discipline therefore, is part of representing our heavenly Father and the nature of a loving God, to our
children.
Hebrews 12: 5-11 (GNB)

5
Have you forgotten the encouraging words which God speaks to you as His children? “My child, pay attention when the Lord
corrects you, and do not be discouraged when He rebukes you.
6
Because the Lord corrects everyone He loves, and punishes everyone He accepts as a child.”
7
Endur
Enduree what you suffer as being a father’
father’ss punishment; your suffering shows that God is tr eating you as His childr
treating en. W
children. as
Was
there ever a child who was not punished by his father?
8
If you are not punished, as all His children are, it means you are not real children, but (illegitimate) bastards.
9
In the case of our human fathers, they punished us and we respected them. How much more, then, should we submit to our
spiritual Father and live!
10
Our human fathers punished us for a short time, as it seemed right to them; but God does it for our own good, so that we
may share His holiness.
11
When w wee ar
aree punished, it seems to us at the time something to make us sad, not glad. Later
Later,, howev
howev er
er,, those who hav
ever havee been
disciplined by such punishment reap the peaceful reward of a righteous life.
Children need a Biblical concept of authority. They need to be aware that it is a blessing to submit to the
structures and arrangement of authority that God has placed in a family. Thus, God has given each parent the
156
authority to nurture and bring up their children through discipline and correction. It is a good and godly thing
to require obedience and for children to learn to obey.
Obedience protects children as they grow in maturity. As children grow and mature they need necessary
rules and guidance from their parents to prepare them for what is lying ahead. Under the guidance of the
parents, children are being groomed to be independent adults. Obedience to parents during the childhood
years trains them to be obedient to God and His Word. Obedience to parents positions children to receive
blessing on their lives (Ephesians 6:2-3).
Deal with Foolishness by Imparting Wisdom

Proverbs 10:1 The proverbs of Solomon: A wise son makes a glad father
overbs
prov father,, bbut
ut a foolish son is the ggrief
rief of his mother
mother..
Proverbs 17:21 (GNB) There is nothing but sadness and sorrow for parents whose children do foolish things.
Proverbs 17:25 (GNB) Foolish children bring grief to their fathers and bitter regrets to their mothers.
Proverbs 19:13a (GNB) Stupid children can bring their parents to ruin.
Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him.
Proverbs 4:3-12
3
When I w wasas my father’
father’ss son, tender and the only one in the sight of my mother
mother,,
4
He also taught me, and said to me: “Let your heart retain my words; keep my commands, and live.
5
Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth.
6
Do not forsake herher,, and she will pr
preserv
eservee you; lov
eserv lovee her
her,, and she will keep you.
7
Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom. and in all your getting, get understanding.
8
her,, and she will pr
Exalt her promote honor,, when you embrace her
omote you; she will bring you honor her..
9
She will place on your head an ornament of grace; a crown of glory she will deliver to you.”
10
Hear,, my son, and rreceiv
Hear eceivee my sayings, and the years of your life will be many
eceiv many..
11
I have taught you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in right paths.
12
When you walk, your steps will not be hindered, and when you run, you will not stumble.
Foolishness could mean being unwise, careless, lacking right judgment, gullible, being easily influenced
by fads and so on. It is part of our responsibility as parents to ensure that our children gain wisdom and
understanding so that they are rid of foolishness and develop the ability walk the right path, making right
choices and decisions.
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APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, As husband and wife (or fiancé) discuss the parenting styles you grew up with (teenage to 21 years), and
assess (in a positive objective manner) the pros-and-cons of your experience.
My Upbringing Pros (I could reuse) Cons (I should not repeat)
159
2, As husband and wife (or fiancé) having understood each other’s upbringing discuss your intended and
preferred approach to training, disciplining and nurturing your children. Share your thoughts and dreams
for your children.
3, As husband and wife (or fiancé) now try to come to a consensus and arrive at concrete approaches on
how you would engage in unison when working with your children
Areas Our combined approach
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Areas Our combined approach
TURNING POINT
1, Pray together that God will give you wisdom to parent your children right, that you will set a godly
example, be good role models and nurture them in what God desires them to become.
ACTION ITEM
Take some time to review and learn about parenting from www.biblicalparenting.org
161
15
NURTURING CHILDREN
The Instructions of a Father
Genesis 18:19 (GNB)
I have chosen him in order that he may command his sons and his descendants to obey me and to do what is right and just.
If they do, I will do everything for him that I have promised.”
Joshua 24:15 (GNB)

If you are not willing to serve him, decide today whom you will serve, the gods your ancestors worshiped in Mesopotamia or
the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are now living. As for my family and me, we will serve the LORD.”
Malachi 4:5,6
5
Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD.
6
And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and strike
the earth with a curse.
As husbands, we need to take our place as fathers to our children. God desires that we instruct our
children to obey Him and do what is right before Him. As husbands, we must take our stand that as for me and
my house we will serve the Lord. There will be no compromise on this. Our hearts must be towards our
children. When the hearts of the fathers turn towards their children, then the hearts of the children will turn
toward their fathers. This positions us for the blessing of God.
The Greenhouse—Create an Environment for All-Round Growth

Romans 14:17 For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
The greenhouse is a controlled and protected environment for plants to grow and thrive in. Similarly, our
homes should be that controlled environment of Kingdom life and culture where we encourage all-round
growth and development of our children. Create a Kingdom environment of love, faith, hope, righteousness,
peace and joy. Encourage your children to dream. Encourage them to explore, pursue interests, and develop
their skills. Encourage development of their total person, spirit, soul and body.
Recognize Their Inclinations, Passions and Gifts

Psalm 139:14-17
14
I will praise YYou,
ou, for I am fearfully and w onderfully made; marv
wonderfully elous ar
marvelous aree YYour
our w orks, and that my soul knows vvery
works, ery w ell.
well.
15
My frame w as not hidden fr
was om YYou,
from ou, when I was made in secr
was et, and skillfully wr
secret, ought in the low
wrought est parts of the earth.
lowest
16
YYour
our eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. and in YYour our book they all w er
eree written, the days fashioned for me, when
wer
as yet there were none of them.
17
How pr ecious also ar
precious aree YYour
our thoughts to me, O God! How ggrreat is the sum of them!
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON FIFTEEN: NURTURING CHILDREN
God in His design of each child has deposited in them their inclinations, passions and gifts. Encourage
them to discover what they were designed for. Support them in their journey of discovery as they try out new
things. They may succeed in some. They may get disappointed in others. But stand there beside them and
guide them. Help them to learn and develop new skills. Give them what resources are appropriate and
possible to nurture what God has placed in them.
Bring Out the Best in Them

Psalm 112:1-2 (GNB)
1
Praise the LORD! Happy is the person who honors the LORD, who takes pleasure in obeying his commands.
2
The ggood
ood man’
man’ss children will be pow
children erful in the land; his descendants will be blessed.
powerful
God has designed children to be powerful, to have impact and influence. Our role is to help develop our
children, nurture them into their full potential and help bring out the best in them.
Speak positively to build their confidence.

Commend them for their character and skill they are developing.
Commend them for things they take initiative in.
Teach them to make right choices and how to recognize wrong choices.
Encourage them when they feel overwhelmed with their assignments and tasks.
Engage with them when they ask for your advice. Help them think through the process.
Even when they fail, stand by them and speak faith and hope into their hearts.
Allocate Time and Room for Conv

Time ersation
Conversation
1
The words of King Lemuel, the strong advice his mother gave him:
2
“Oh, son of mine, what can you be thinking of! Child whom I bore! The son I dedicated to God!
Make time regularly, if possible every weekday to talk with your children. This involves listening to them
share about anything they want to talk about. Listen attentively. Listening to them lets them know that we are
really interested in them and what is happening in their lives. Inspire them. Speak wisdom into their lives. The
words we lovingly sow into their lives will bear fruit later.
Use Teachable Moments

Teachable
Proverbs 25:11 (MSG) The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jew
word elry
elry,,
jewelry
There are things that happen as part of life, which we can use to teach important lessons on living life or
applying Biblical truth. For instance, if your child came home and started to talk to you about how she saw two
children argue about something in school and how one child called the other child names. And the second
child reacted, retaliated and soon a hostile argument broke out. While she is narrating something that happened
in school, after you’ve listened attentively, you can use this as a teachable moment to show your child what is
the best way to handle a situation like this. ‘What would you do if someone called you names? What is the best
way to handle this situation?’ As you discuss this with her you are imparting wisdom into her life and preparing
her for the future.
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Nurturee FFaith
Nurtur aith in YYour
our Children
Children
Deuteronomy 4:9-10 (GNB)
9
Be on your guard! Make certain that you do not for forgget, as long as you live, what you hav
live, havee seen with your own eyes. T ell your
Tell
children and your grandchildren
10
about the day you stood in the presence of the LORD your God at Mount Sinai, when he said to me, ‘Assemble the people.
Iw ant them to hear what I hav
want havee to say
say,, so that they will learn to obey me as long as they liv
livee and so that they will teach their
children to do the same.’
Deuteronomy 6:5-9 (GNB)

5
Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.
6
Nev er for
Never forgget these commands that I am giving you today
today..
7
Teach
T children.
each them to your childr aree at home and when you ar
en. Repeat them when you ar aree away,, when you ar
away
ay aree rresting
esting and when you
are working.
8
Tie them on your arms and w
Tie ear them on your for
wear eheads as a rreminder
foreheads eminder
eminder..
9
Write them on the doorposts of your houses and on your gates.
(See also Deuteronomy 11:18-21)
Psalm 78:1-7 (GNB)

1
Listen, my people, to my teaching, and pay attention to what I say say..
2
I am going to use wise sayings and explain mysteries from the past,
3
things we have heard and known, things that our ancestors told us.
4
Wee will not keep them fr
W from children;
om our children; wwee will tell the next ggeneration LORD’ss pow
eneration about the LORD’ er and his ggrreat deeds and
power
the wonderful things he has done.
5
He gave laws to the people of Israel and commandments to the descendants of Jacob. He instructed our ancestors to teach
his laws to their children,
6
so that the next generation might learn them and in turn should tell their children.
7
In this way they also will put their trust in God and not forget what he has done, but always obey his commandments.
One of the responsibilities God placed on parents is for us to teach our children and our grandchildren
the Word, the ways and the works of the Lord. He encourages us to do this as part of our daily life—when you
come in, when you go out—speak the things of God. Instruct them in the Word of God. Help them to know the
Lord and what He has done. Be intentional about it.
In addition to spontaneity where you speak God’s Word and talk about the Lord whenever opportunity
arises, you can also make use of our free APC publications to teach your children. Encourage them to read
these publications. Study some of them along with your children. You can use our free publications and teach
them “Who We Are In Christ” and go through “Foundations” with them.
Teach Them Life Skills

8
My child, pay attention to what your father and mother tell you.
9
Their teaching will improve your character as a handsome turban or a necklace improves your appearance.
What you teach your children can strengthen their character and position them for honor. One of the important
thing we need to do as parents is to teach them necessary life skills—skills they need to be successful in life,
regardless of the vocation they choose. Often they may not learn these in school. Hence, it is important that
we take time to nurture and impart these to our children at home. While this is not a complete list of life skills,
165
here are some important ones to consider: personal values, learning skills, anger management, stress
management, time management, basic financial management, decision making, household management, grocery
shopping,healthy habits, planning and organizing, team work, communication, effective listening skills,
presentation skills, leadership skills, negotiations skills, conflict resolution skills, and problem solving skills.
Get resources books or information online that can help you to do this. Example “Life Skills for Kids”, by
Christine M. Field, Random House, 2000.
Teach Them About Sex, Purity and Marriag

Marriagee
20
Son, do what your father tells you and never forget what your mother taught you.
21
Keep their words with you always, locked in your heart.
22
travel,
Their teaching will lead you when you trav otect you at night, and advise you during the day
protect
el, pr day..
23
Their instructions are a shining light; their correction can teach you how to live.
24
It can keep you aw ay fr
away om bad w
from omen, fr
women, om the seductiv
from seductivee words of other men’
words men’ss wives.
wives.
The best place for your children to learn about their sexuality, how to protect their sexual purity and gain
an understanding of marriage is from you. Teach them a Biblical view on sex and the importance of sexual
purity. This is best done as you sit one on one with your child in their early teens and have a simple, non-
threatening, loving conversation with him or her. Give them freedom to ask questions.
Here is a sample talk that you could use to speak to your son. Similarly you can develop an outline on
points you would need to speak to your daughter.
Physiological
Physiolo Changes
gical Changes
• Body starts producing male hormones (chemicals) that help develop your masculinity.
• Body starts producing semen—a fluid that contains sperms for reproduction.
• Some nights, this may be ejaculated by your body.
Changes
Emotional Changes
• You will become aware of your own body’s sexual development.
• You will become aware of feelings for the opposite sex. There is nothing wrong in recognizing that a girl
is good looking. But stop with that. Guard your thoughts and emotions not to get into lust.
• Boys generally desire to have a “girl friend” at this time - but this is too early. Their brain is yet to catch
with their body and they are not in a position to make such decisions.
Over
Overcoming
er Areas
coming Ar Temptations
eas of Sexual Temptations
• Pornography : This is ungodly. So stay away from this at all times and in all forms.
• Fantasies : Always keep your mind clean and pure. Refuse to fantasize evil.
• Masturbation : This is an unhealthy addiction. So stay away from practicing this.
• Girl Friend and Dating : It is better to wait till you have completed your studies and take up a job to
consider finding the right person as your life-partner. Till then just be friends with boys and girls. Select
166
your friends carefully. Be friends with those who will have a positive influence on your life. Stay away
from friends who could influence you into wrong things.
• Sex : Sex outside of marriage is sin so stay away from this completely.
Marriagee
Marriag
God designed sex to be enjoyed within a married life.
Protect your sexuality for your future wife.
When you are done with your studies and have settled into your job/career (say about 25 years)
• first, write down what you believe God wants you to do in life
• then, write down what kind of a wife you should have, who can be with you in the journey God has called
you to make in life
• then, write down what you can bring into and contribute into the life of your future wife
• then, pray and ask God to provide the right person as your wife
• then, start looking around, meet people. When you find the right person, get to know the person. See if
there is a match spiritually, emotionally and physically.
¶ Spiritually —she must be a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and be passionate about doing God’s
will. She must be mature in the faith and desiring to serve God with her talents.
¶ Emotionally —she must be able to relate to you intellectually and emotionally, at your level.
There should be common interests you share.
¶ Physically —she should be someone you like and are attracted to.
¶ Get to know the person well before making a decision. Do not make a decision just based on
outward looks and achievements. Try to know the person’s temperament and character. Watch the
person act/react in different real - life situations, how she handles pressure, how she takes on
responsibilities. Is she responsible? Is she neat/tidy? Does she speak kindly - always? etc.
Remember, you are going to live with this person the rest of your life.
• When you are considering someone, let Dad and Mum know, so they can also pray and help with this
decision. Also, discuss this with the girl’s parents to get their approval. Also, share this with your pastor
to seek his guidance.
• At the right time, get married.
Encourage, Inspir
Encourage, Inspiree and Support Them into Their Life’
Life’ss Call
Acts 13:36
For David, after he had served his own generation by the will of God, fell asleep, was buried with his fathers, and saw
corruption;
Encourage your children to pursue what is best for their lives and what they have been designed to do. Do not
attempt to mold them into something you want for them but what they may not be best suited for. As their goals
begin to become clearer and they make decisions about their career and profession, continue to encourage,
167
support and guide them. They will go through transitions, make changes and explore different opportunities.
Journey with them through this. Be supportive and bring godly counsel and wisdom to bear at the right
moments. Ultimately, we desire for them to serve the purposes of God in their generation.
Leave a Spiritual Legacy

Isaiah 59:21
“As for Me,” says the LORD, “this is My covenant with them: My Spirit who is upon you, and My words which I have put in your
mouth, shall not depart from your mouth, nor from the mouth of your descendants, nor from the mouth of your descendants’
descendants,” says the LORD, “from this time and forevermore.”
We are called to pass on the faith, the Word and the Spirit to the next and succeeding generations.
Continue to do this as you keep praying for them and over their lives. Through prayer and in the spirit release
the Word and the anointing over their lives. Continue in simple gentle ways to impart and inspire them in the
things of God.
Let Go! And Let God!

1 Samuel 1:26-28 (GNB)
26
Hannah said to him, “Excuse me, sir
sir.. Do you rremember
emember me? I am the w oman you saw standing her
woman e, praying to the LORD.
here,
27
I asked him for this child, and he ggav
avee me what I asked for
av for..
28
So I am dedicating him to the LORD. As long as he lives, he will belong to the LORD.” Then they worshiped the LORD there.

11
Then Elkanah went back home to Ramah, but the boy Samuel stayed in Shiloh and served the LORD under the priest Eli.
12
The sons of Eli were scoundrels. They paid no attention to the LORD

17
This sin of the sons of Eli was extr
was emely serious in the LORD’
extremely LORD’ss sight, because they treated the offerings to the LORD with
treated
such disrespect.
18
In the meantime the boy Samuel continued to serve the LORD, wearing a sacred linen apron.
19
Each year his mother would make a little robe and take it to him when she accompanied her husband to offer the yearly
sacrifice.
Hannah had prayed earnestly for a son and received a baby boy whom she called Samuel and dedicated
him to the Lord’s service. At the right time, Hannah came along with her husband Elkanah and left young
Samuel under the care of the priest Eli. However, things at the Temple were not very good. Even though
Samuel had been dedicated to the Lord and in the Temple, he was actually in a bad environment because of
the sons of Eli. The sins that were being committed by Eli’s own sons around the Temple were well - known.
Although the Scripture does not record this, we can safely assume that Hannah being the woman of prayer she
was, she would have through her prayer preserved Samuel and prayed him into his call and destiny. Nothing,
not even the hostile environment and influence could stop this.
There will come a time when we will have to let go of our children as they step out of the home and move out
to make their journey in the world. We let go and let God take charge. We still cover and undergird our
children through our fervent prayers.
168
As you release and let your children transition into the next phase of life, speak forgiveness over your
children for anything they may have said or done that hurt you. Do not hold on to any hurt or ill-feeling toward
your children.
Ask for forgiveness for anything you may have said or done that hurt them. They must not leave home with
hurt, bitterness, resentment and anger in their hearts.
Release healing for any hurtful or negative things they may have endured at home growing up.Cancel
negative things you may have spoken over their lives and future.Release them with the blessing of God over
their lives.
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, If you have children, in the light of what was presented in this chapter, discuss together areas that you
need to specifically work on in nurturing your children. Draw up a plan on how you can intentionally
work on specific areas to nurture our children in the things of God. If you do not have children yet but
plan to in the near future, then discuss this looking ahead into time.
TURNING POINT
1, Pray together as husband and wife (or fiancé) for God’s wisdom and grace to fulfill your calling as
parents and to nurture the children God has entrusted to you, and to bring out the best in them so that
they can bring glory and honor to the Lord.
ACTION ITEM
Read a good book on how to bring out the best in your children. Example, “Bringing out the best in your
child,” by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias, 1997.
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170
16
THE FAMILY ALTAR

AMILY AND INTERCESSION
God has called us as parents to nurture our children in the faith. Part of this involves teaching them the Word
of God, nurturing them in the work of the Holy Spirit, helping them become part of a local church community
and showing them how to engage in the work of God’s Kingdom. Nurturing your family in the faith requires
being intentional and consistent. You must have a burning desire to see your family grow in God. You must
also learn to engage in prayer for your family, because more battles are won in prayer than by other means.
This chapter addresses these two important areas of having a family altar and how to pray for your family.
Simple Suggestions on Having a FFamily

Suggestions amily Altar
The term ‘Family Altar’ simply means having a time where you and your spouse, together with your children
take time to worship, pray and hear the Word of God. It could be any time of day that is convenient to all of
you. As far as possible keep this time regularly and possibly five to six days of the week at least. If you have
children, keep this time meaningful and relevant to the children as well. Keep this time spontaneous and
flexible. Some days you may just spend time singing and worshipping. Some days you may do everything -
Bible reading, prayer and worship. You can read from the Scripture or use a daily devotional, which ever you
find useful for your family. As your children grow up, permit time for discussion, conversation and asking and
answering questions around the Word of God. Encourage participation by your children. Take time to pray for
specific needs.
Even if your spouse or children have not yet made a personal commitment to Jesus Christ invite them to
join in this time of prayer. Keep it simple, welcoming and meaningful.
Standing in the Gap—Praying for YYour

our FFamily
amily
Luke 22:31-32
31
And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat.
32
But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.”
One of the most important things we can do is to stand in the gap, that is, pray for and on behalf of our
family members. We understand that God has a plan and purpose for each of them and we need to pray them
into fulfilling God’s purpose and destiny for their lives. We also understand that there are times they may face
adverse circumstances and they need the strength, wisdom and empowering of God over their lives. We need
to pray this for them. We also understand that there may be times their faith may be weak, they may wander
astray and we need to pray for them to be restored and to return to walking with the Lord. We also understand
that there is an enemy that will try his schemes and ways against them to hinder them, discourage them, to
distract them and so on. We need to pray for God’s protection and strength over the lives of our family
members and also engage and thwart the schemes of the enemy using our God given authority.
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON SIXTEEN: THE FAMILY ALTAR AND INTERCESSION
Praying for YYour

our Spouse
Here are some things you can do as you engage in prayer for your spouse. We present this as though it were
a husband praying for his wife. The same can be done when a wife prays for her husband.
1, Pray for her spiritual growth according to Ephesians 1:15-21; Ephesians 3:14-21 and Colossians 1:9-11
2, Pray for her growth in God’s purpose for her life, that she will grow in her gifts, calling, and anointing;
that she will walk in and fulfill every good thing God has ordained for her life.
3, Declare what God’s Word says over her. Declare that your wife is a wise woman and she builds up your
home (Proverbs 14:1); that she is a prudent woman and she is your pride and joy (Proverbs 19:14, Proverbs
12:4); that she is like a fruitful vine in your home bringing blessing, joy and protection to the family
(Psalm 128:3); that she is a virtuous woman and her price is far more than rubies, she is blessed in all that
she does, your heart safely trusts in her, your children arise and call her blessed, she opens her mouth
with wisdom and in her tongue is gentleness, her own work brings her honor and respect in the city
(Proverbs 31:10-31).
4, Declare wisdom, success and blessing over her work and ministry: that she walks in the wisdom of God
in the decisions she makes - that all the works of her hands are blessed; that she prospers in all that she
does.
Praying Over YYour
Over Children
our Children
Here is a suggested format to pray for your children.
1, Pray for their spiritual growth according to Ephesians 1:15-21; Ephesians 3:14-21 and Colossians 1:9-11
2, Pray for their growth in God’s purpose for their lives, that they will grow in the gifts, calling, and anointing
of God; that they will walk in and fulfill every good thing God has ordained for their lives.
3, Pray and declare the Word of God and promises in His Word over their lives (some of these promises
are listed in a section below).
4, Declare and call forth their prophetic destiny and their calling based on what God is revealing to you
about them.
5, Sanctify, consecrate and bless all the gifts, skills, capabilities, knowledge God has blessed them with to
be used for God’s glory and for the purposes of the Kingdom of God.
6, Bless their present
• Spiritual life and growth, growth in character, their love for God’s Word
• Health and safety
• Academics, learning, wisdom,
• Friends, choices, decisions, for wisdom and discernment,
• Character, godly lifestyle, no compromise
7, Bless their future
• Career and profession and journey into their life’s purpose
• Favor, open doors, opportunities, provision
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• Success, making an impact, being fruitful

• Future spouse, family and children
• Serving God and ministry
8, Bind, destroy and annul any of satan’s schemes against their lives.
Praying for Their Salvation and Deliv

Salvation Deliverance om W
from
erance fr aywardness
aywardness
Wayw
In case your spouse or children are not yet saved and have not made a personal commitment to the Lord Jesus
Christ, here are some things you can do to pray for them and contend for their salvation. Remember to give
them the time they need to come to the point of decision in their lives. Don’t try to take the place of the Holy
Spirit and try to condemn them or threaten them. Simply love them and show them the love of Christ. Engage
fervently in prayer for however long it may take. Sometimes, for a period of time, they may go from bad to
worse, become disinterested in the things of God, become wayward and rebellious. But continue strong in
prayer. Never give up praying for them. God is on our side and with the weapons He has given us, we will win.
Remember His promise, “But thus says the LORD: “Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken away, and
the prey of the terrible be delivered; for I will contend with him who contends with you, and I will save your
children” (Isaiah 49:25).
1, Bind and cast down every spirit of this world, deception, lies of atheism, existentialism, humanism, false
religion, etc. that blinds their minds. Declare that the light of the Gospel shines into their hearts and
minds bringing the knowledge of God and His Son Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 4:4,6)
2, Cast down every stronghold, argument, reasoning, imagination that contradicts the truth of God’s Word
and bring every thought captive to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:4-5)
3, Invite the Holy Spirit to bring about conviction of sin, righteousness and judgment (John 16:7-11)
4, Ask God to draw them to Him (John 6:44; John 12:32).
5, Pray that God will move upon them bringing them to repentance and to the knowledge of the truth and
that they will come to their senses and escape the trap of the evil one (2 Timothy 2:25,26).
6, Ask God to grant them the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that their spiritual eyes are enlightened to
know the Lord, to know the beauty of His Word, to know the purpose of His calling, to know the greatness
of His power (Ephesians 1:15-21; Psalm 119:18).
Similarly you can take a hold of God’s Word in prayer and declaration for other areas of their lives, e.g. safety
and preservation if they are engaged in a profession where their life is exposed to harm and danger, etc.
Promises to Pray and Declar

Promises Declaree Ov our Home
er YYour
Over
Here are Scriptures that you can use to pray and declare over your home. You can add to this list.
Psalm 118:15
oice of rrejoicing
The vvoice ejoicing and salv
salvation aliantly..
aliantly
ation is in the tents of the righteous; the right hand of the LORD does vvaliantly
Psalm 128:1-6 (GNB)

1
Happy are those who obey the LORD, who live by his commands.
2
YYour work
our w provide
ork will pr prosper
ovide for your needs; you will be happy and prosperous.
osperous.
173
3
YYour
our wife will be like a fruitful vine in your home, and your children will be like young oliv
children olivee trees ar
trees ound your table.
around
4
A man who obeys the LORD will surely be blessed like this.
5
May the LORD bless you from Zion! May you see Jerusalem prosper all the days of your life!
6
May you live to see your grandchildren! Peace be with Israel!
Proverbs 3:33 ...But He blesses the home of the just.

Proverbs 12:7 ...But the house of the righteous will stand.
Proverbs 14:11 ...But the tent of the upright will flourish.
Proverbs 15:6 In the house of the righteous there is much treasure,...
Isaiah 32:18-19
18
My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places,
19
Though hail comes down on the forest, and the city is brought low in humiliation.
Pr
Promises Declaree Ov
omises to Pray and Declar er YYour
Over our Children
Children
Here are Scriptures that you can use to pray and declare over your children. You can add to this list.
Psalm 37:25-26 (GNB)

25 I am old now; I have lived a long time, but I have never seen good people abandoned by the LORD or their children begging
for food.
26 At all times they give freely and lend to others, and their children are a blessing.
Psalm 112:1-3 (GNB)

1
Praise the LORD! Happy is the person who honors the LORD, who takes pleasure in obeying his commands.
2
The ggood
ood man’
man’ss children will be pow
children erful in the land; his descendants will be blessed.
powerful
3
wealthy
His family will be w prosper
ealthy and rich, and he will be pr osperous
osper forev
ous forever
ev er..
er
Psalm 127:1-5
1
Unless the LORD bbuilds
uilds the house, they labor in vvain
ain who bbuild
uild it; unless the LORD guards the city
city,, the watchman stays aw
watchman ake
awake
in vain.
2
It is vvain
ain for you to rise up early
early,, to sit up late, to eat the br ead of sorr
bread ows; for so He giv
sorrows; es His belov
gives ed sleep.
beloved
3
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward.
4
Like arr ows in the hand of a w
arrows arrior
arrior,, so ar
warrior aree the children of one’
children one’ss youth.
5
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; they shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate.
Isaiah 8:18
Heree am I and the childr
Her en whom the LORD has giv
children en me! W
given Wee ar
aree for signs and wonders in Israel fr
wonders om the LORD of hosts, who
from
dwells in Mount Zion.
Isaiah 44:3-4
3
or I will pour w
FFor ater on him who is thirsty
water thirsty,, and floods on the dry ggrround; I will pour My Spirit on your descendants, and My
blessing on your offspring;
4
They will spring up among the grass like willows by the watercourses.’
Isaiah 49:25
But thus says the LORD: “Even the captiv
“Even es of the mighty shall be taken aw
captives ay,, and the pr
ay
away ey of the terrible be deliv
prey er ed; for I
ered;
deliver
will contend with him who contends with you, and I will save your children.
Isaiah 54:13
All your children shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children.
174
Isaiah 59:21
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, Commit to praying regularly for your spouse and children. Make a short prayer list of specific things you
will pray for your spouse and for your children.
TURNING POINT
1, Ask the Lord to place in your heart a passion to pray for your family and give you the grace to do this
regularly.
ACTION ITEM
If you are not doing so already, start getting your family together for a time of prayer and reading the Word.
Establish your family altar.
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17
THE FAMILY,
AMILY THE CHURCH, AND THE KINGDOM
A very important part of nurturing your family is helping develop an understanding of the local church community
and the importance of being part of and serving in the local church. Further, we also need to nurture our family
in understanding the Kingdom of God and seeking to further the Kingdom of God through whatever each is
doing in life.
Be a committed part of a good Bible - believing, Christ - centered, Spirit - filled local church community.
Be planted in the house of the Lord. Don’t keep wandering from church to church unless there is a genuine
need to do so. Constantly moving from church to church will make it difficult for children as well. You grow
when you are planted.
Establish the Practice of Being in Church Every Sunday

Hebrews 10:24,25 (GNB)
24
Let us be concerned for one another
another,, to help one another to show lov lovee and to do ggood.
ood.
25
givee up the habit of meeting to
Let us not giv toggether
ether,, as some ar encouragee one another all the mor
aree doing. Instead, let us encourag e,
more,
since you see that the Day of the Lord is coming near er
er..
nearer
We know that the Early Church met regularly and as new congregations were established, it became a
practice to meet together on the first day of the week (Acts 20:7; 1 Corinthians 16:2). Establish this practice in
your family to get together with other believers for worship, prayer, listen to God’s Word and fellowship, on
the first day of the week. Make this the norm. While it is true that there may be the occasional Sunday that you
miss, it should be understood in the family that the norm is to meet with the local church community every
Sunday. Sometimes, this may be a challenge in some work settings where people are required to be at work on
Sundays. You will have to ensure that you do have the freedom at your workplace to be together with your
family at church on whichever day of the week the local church meets.
Belonging to the Family of God

But if I delay
delay,, this letter will let you know how w
wee should conduct ourselves in God’
ourselves God’ss household, which is the church of the
church
living God, the pillar and support of the truth.
The local church is more than just a place where we attend services on Sunday. The local church is
“God’s household”, that is God’s family. We need to nurture this understanding with our own personal families,
that we belong to the local church family, which is the family of God. As part of belonging to the family of God
we develop meaningful relationships with other people of God where we love, care, support, bless and
encourage one another.
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MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON SEVENTEEN: THE FAMILY, THE CHURCH, AND THE KINGDOM
Serving in Church
1 Peter 4:10-11
10
As each one has rreceiv
eceiv ed a gift, minister it to one another
eceived another,, as ggood
ood stewards of the manifold ggrace
stewards race of God.
11
If anyone speaks, let him speak as the oracles of God. If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God
supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory and the dominion forever
and ever
er.. Amen.
ever
The local church is also a place where each of us brings the gifts, talents, time and abilities that God has
given to us to contribute in one or more ways to serve one another. We do this not to put ourselves on display,
but rather as a way to serve others and to glorify God. Encourage each family member to engage in the local
church and to serve with their time, efforts and skills towards the work and ministry of the local church.
The Older Mentoring the YYoung

ounger
ounger
Titus 2:3-4 (GNB)
3
In the same way instruct the older women to behave as women should who live a holy life. They must not be slanderers or
slaves to wine. They must teach what is good,
4
in order to train the younger women to love their husbands and children,
One of the important things about living out our belonging to a local church family is to engage in the
nurturing of younger people. In Titus, Paul gives instruction for older women to train and nurture younger
women concerning practical things about the home and family. We can safely infer a similar practice for older
men to engage with younger men in matters concerning practical living. The apostle Paul encouraged Timothy
to live a life of example, something that models to other believers what it is to live as a child of God.

Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for the believers in your speech, your conduct,
your love, faith, and purity
love, purity..
So part of being a family (husband, wife, children) that is part of a larger church family is to look at ways
that we can nurture others and also be nurtured by others. We need to give ourselves to this kind of loving
community.
Life Groups
Acts 2:46
So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness
and simplicity of heart,
Acts 5:42
And daily in the temple, and in every house, they did not cease teaching and preaching Jesus as the Christ.
Life-groups are essentially small groups that meet at homes or other convenient locations to build
relationships, have spiritual fellowship and grow together as disciples of Jesus Christ. The life group is important
because this is where meaningful relationships can develop and discipleship can happen. Hence, one way of
having your personal family connect meaningfully to a local church family is to be part of a life group during
the week. As we see in the book of Acts, the believers not only gathered in the large gatherings in the temple,
but also at homes where they ate, worshipped, heard the Word and prayed together.
178
Missions
Every believer is called to engage in missions. By missions we simply mean engaging in some meaningful way
to fulfill the commission the Lord gave to go make disciples of all nations. This involves winning the lost and
discipling them in faith in Christ. As parents we need to develop this commitment to missions (or being
missional) in our children. One good way to do this is to take our children along in church outreaches,
whether in the city or to other places on missions trips, so that they get to be involved either in winning lost
souls or discipling believers or assisting others who are doing this. As children see our personal involvement
and commitment to sharing the Gospel whereever and whenever, they too will catch the zeal and passion to
do the same.
Generosity
osity,, Kindness and T
Generosity ithing
Tithing
2 Corinthians 9:6-8
6
But this I say: He who sows sparingly will also rreap
eap sparingly
sparingly,, and he who sows bountifully will also rreap
eap bountifully
bountifully..
7
givee as he purposes in his heart, not ggrudgingly
So let each one giv loves
rudgingly or of necessity; for God lov giver
es a cheerful giv er..
er
8
And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an
abundance for every good work.
Another important practice we need to develop and nurture in our children is that of generosity, doing
good to others as well as tithing into the local church. We need to teach them what the Scriptures instruct us
about this, as well as show them by example how to do good, how to help others in need and also how to give
a tenth of our income to the work of God’s Kingdom.
One way of teaching children to tithe is to help them with a monthly allowance or even earn some money
each month. Then encourage them to calculate ten percent of the income and give the tithe in the Sunday
offering. This way they learn early in life what the tithe is and the importance of tithing.
Developing a Kingdom Mindset, Being Kingdom Focused

Matthew 6:33
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
Through our own lives we need to communicate to our children the importance of seeking the establishment
of God’s Kingdom in and through all we do. Challenge them through your life, your choices and through your
prayer to use everything you are entrusted with for the purposes of God’s Kingdom, to see His rule and
dominion established in the hearts and lives of people.
179
180
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, Discuss with your spouse areas where you would need to nurture your family in commitment and fellowship
with your local church, serving in church, engaging in missions and serving the purposes of God’s Kingdom.
TURNING POINT
1, Pray and ask the Lord to give you wisdom to help guide your family into being a vital part of your local
church, serving in the work and ministry of the local church and the purpose of God’s Kingdom.
ACTION ITEM
Find out ways in which each family member can engage in your local church. Start serving. If possible, as
a family take part in at least one missions trip or outreach work in the next 12 months.
181
182
18
WHEN CHILDREN BECOME YOUR FRIENDS

Relating to Children as Adults
Deuteronomy 32:11-12 (MSG)
11
He w as like an eagle hov
was ering ov
hovering er its nest, ov
over ershadowing its young, then spr
overshadowing eading its wings, lifting them into the air
spreading air,,
teaching them to fly
fly..
12
GOD alone led him; there was not a foreign god in sight.
Time goes by, children grow up past their teenage years and mature into young adults. At some point they
will leave home, either for college or upon their marriage. While our work of nurturing and caring may well be
over, we will learn to relate to them as adults and as friends. At some point, the young eagle has to be released
out of the nest and taught to fly on its own.
Once you let them out of the nest, let them learn to fly on their own. We must learn not to interfere in their
lives and their family. Of course, be there to help them or advice them if they need it. But interfering in their
lives will do more harm than good.
Do not keep making decisions for them. Let them make their own.
Drawing Out of Old and New Wells

Wells
Genesis 26:18-23, 32-33
18
And Isaac dug ag ain the w
again ells of w
wells ater which they had dug in the days of Abraham his father
water father,, for the Philistines had stopped
them up after the death of Abraham. He called them by the names which his father had called them.
19
Also Isaac’
Isaac’ss servants dug in the vvalley
servants alley
alley,, and found a w ell of running w
well ater ther
water e.
there.
20
But the herdsmen of Gerar quarr eled with Isaac’
quarreled Isaac’ss herdsmen, saying, “The w ater is ours.” So he called the name of the w
water ell
well
Esek, because they quarreled with him.
21
Then they dug another well, and they quarreled over that one also. So he called its name Sitnah.
22
And he moved from there and dug another well, and they did not quarrel over it. So he called its name Rehoboth, because
he said, “For now the LORD has made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land.”
23
Then he went up from there to Beersheba.
32
It came to pass the same day that Isaac’ Isaac’ss servants came and told him about the w
servants ell which they had dug, and said to him,
well
“W
“Wee hav
havee found w ater
water .”
ater.”
33
So he called it Shebah. Ther Therefor
eforee the name of the city is Beersheba to this day
efor day..
This passage brings out some interesting happenings in Isaac’s life. Isaac as he went about his life, did
reopen some of the old wells his father Abraham had dug. But then he also dug some new wells and found
water. He had to face some challenges, but he continued to dig new wells and continued to move into a place
where he had room to grow and until he established himself in Beersheba. Similarly, while our children may
183
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON EIGHTEEN: WHEN CHILDREN BECOME YOUR FRIENDS
enjoy some of the blessings (spiritual and natural) of wells that we have dug, we must encourage them to dig
their own wells, press past opposition and arrive at the place where they can be established.
Having Their Own Encounter

Encounter,, Building Their Own Altar
Genesis 26:24-25
24
And the LORD appear ed to him the same night and said, “I am the God of your father Abraham; do not fear
appeared fear,, for I am with
you. I will bless you and m ultiply your descendants for My serv
multiply ant Abraham’
servant Abraham’ss sake.”
25
So he bbuilt
uilt an altar ther
theree and called on the name of the LORD, and he pitched his tent there; and ther
there; theree Isaac’
Isaac’ss serv ants dug
servants
a well.
Through this process of digging of his own wells, Isaac had his own personal encounter with God and
built his own altar to the Lord. He was no longer depending on his father’s encounter or his father’s altar. Isaac
now had his own personal experience with God and had learnt to have his own altar of worship. This is the
best thing that can happen as our children navigate into adulthood and seek to establish themselves. They
need to make their own spiritual journey with the Lord, have their own personal encounters and come to a
place of their own personal intimacy and knowledge of the Lord.
Imparting FFaith
aith and Wisdom to YYour
our Grandchildren
Grandchildren
Isaiah 59:21
2 Timothy 1:5
when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice,
and I am persuaded is in you also.
As grand children come along, one of the best things we can do is to be around to impart wisdom and
the knowledge of the Lord into their lives. God desires that revelation and anointing be passed on to our
children’s children. So in ways that do not interfere with what parents are doing, we serve to impart the faith,
wisdom, learning and experience into the lives of our children’s children.
184
APPLICATION
PPLICATION
1, What are some ‘old wells’ God has placed in your family? How can you ensure that they continue springing
up and bless your children?
2, What are some of the ‘new wells’ that your children might be able to dig—spiritually and professionally—
in their lives? How can you encourage them in their journey into this?
185
TURNING POINT
1, Pray and ask God for the wisdom you need to relate to your children as adults. Also, see areas where
they can break new ground in their lives for the advancement of God’s Kingdom.
2, Pray also for your children to have their encounter, build their own altar and receive their own promise
from God for their lives.
A CTION I TEM
Think of something that captures what God has done in your life which you can pass on as a memorial to your
children as a reminder of the goodness of God. Work on it at the right time, sometime in the future.
186
19
ENJOYING THE REST OF THE JOURNEY
With an empty nest, children grown up and gone, and it is once again just the two of you—you and the wife
(husband) of your youth. Only this time you are on the other side of parenting. The years have only brought
you closer to each other. You have hopefully grown to know, understand, appreciate and work with each other
so much better. It is time to enjoy the rest of the journey—just the two of you!
Let Go of Reg
Regrrets, Over
Overcome Life’
ercome Life’ss Challenges
Challenges
Psalm 84:5-7
5
Blessed is the man whose str ength is in YYou,
strength ou, whose heart is set on pilgrimag
pilgrimag e.
rimage.
6
through
As they pass thr Valley
ough the V (valley
alley of Baca (v alley of weeping), they make it a spring; the rain also cov
weeping)
eeping) ers it with pools.
covers
7
They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.
Our strength comes from the Lord and our heart is set on pilgrimage. We are pilgrims pressing towards
our final destination. As we pass through the valley of weeping, we make it a spring. This is what we are called
to do. Make your valley of Baca, the dry and mournful place, a place of rejoicing and celebration. How do
you make a valley of weeping a place of rejoicing? Simply by choosing to rejoice, to praise, celebrate God
and announce the promise of God. In the wilderness, where God provided a spring of water, “Israel sang this
song: “Spring up, O well! All of you sing to it—” (Numbers 21:17).
Let go of things that cause you to weep. Let go of past regrets, mistakes, and things where you may have
failed. Overcome challenges that life may bring.
God is faithful to send the rain that covers the dry and barren land and makes pools of water. As we make
our pilgrimage, we go from strength to strength.
Enjoy Memories, But Don’t Live in the Past

Psalm 77:11 I will rremember
emember the works of the LORD; sur
works ely I will rremember
surely emember YYour
our w onders of old.
wonders
Psalm 105:5 Remember His marvelous works which He has done, His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,
Psalm 143:5 I rremember
emember the days of old; I meditate on all YYour works;
our w muse
orks; I m work
use on the work of YYour
our hands.
It is always good to remember and enjoy the memories of the past, all the wonderful things the Lord has
done and His faithfulness through various seasons of life. However, we must make the most of the time we
have now and in the coming days, and use them to maximize impact for the Kingdom of God.
Healthy,, Stay Str

Stay Healthy ong, Keep Stim
Strong, ulated, Maintain V
Stimulated, itality
Vitality
Psalm 103:5 Who satisfies your mouth with ggood
ood things, So that your youth is rrenew
enewed like the eagle’
enewed s.
eagle’s.
187
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL LESSON NINETEEN: ENJOYING THE REST OF THE JOURNEY

12
The righteous will flourish like palm trees; they will grow like the cedars of Lebanon.
13
They ar
aree like trees planted in the house of the LORD, that flourish in the T
trees emple of our God,
Temple
14
that still bear fruit in old age and are always green and strong.
One of the benefits of God given to us in Psalm 103 is that our youth will be renewed like the eagle’s. God’s
Word promises the ability to bear fruit even in old age and the blessing of remaining “green and strong”, or
fresh and flourishing. Of course we have to do our part in walking in this blessing of God. But it is ours and we
should walk in it, so that we can be useful for God and for the purposes of His Kingdom.
Testifying to Generations to Come

17
ou hav
YYou havee taught me ever since I w
ever as young, and I still tell of your w
was onderful acts.
wonderful
18
Now that I am old and my hair is ggrayray,, do not abandon me, O God! Be with me while I pr
ray oclaim your pow
proclaim er and might to
power
all generations to come.
Continue to do what God has called you to do. Continue to proclaim Him, His power and His works to
generations to come.
Whether Together or Alone, Run the Race to the FFinish

To inish
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward
man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day
by day
day..
17
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working
for us a far mor
moree exceeding and eternal w eight of glory
weight glory,,
18
while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at
the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen
ar
aree temporary
temporary,, bbut
ut the things which ar
aree not seen ar
aree eternal.
We do not know what lies ahead. We do not know
when our race on earth will be over. We do not know
if there are years we will have to run the race alone
without our spouse. Whether together or alone, each
must run the race to finish, knowing that there is an
eternal glory that awaits us. On this earth though our
outward man ages, yet we are renewed in our inner
man by His Holy Spirit. There is a freshness in our
inner person.
We will each have to fight a good fight, finish the course assigned to us and keep the faith until the very
end.
2 Timothy 4:7-8
7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
8
FFinally
inally,, ther
inally theree is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judg
crown e, will giv
Judge, givee to me on that Day
Day,,
and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing.
188
Partner with All Peoples Church

All Peoples Church ministers beyond its own borders as a local church by reaching out all across India,
especially North India, with a special focus on (A) Strengthening Leaders, (B) Equipping young people for
ministry and (C) Building up the Body of Christ. Several training seminars for young people, and Christian
Leaders conferences are held throughout the year. In addition, several thousands of copies of publications
are distributed free of cost in English and other Indian languages with the purpose of equipping believers
in the Word and in the Spirit.
We invite you to partner with us financially by sending either a one-time gift or a monthly financial gift.
Any amount that you can send to help us in this work across our nation will be greatly appreciated.
You can send your gift by cheque / bank draft payable to “All Peoples Church, Bangalore” to our office
address. Else you can remit your contribution directly by bank transfer using our bank account details.
Account Name: All Peoples Church

Account Number: 0057213809
IFSC Code: CITI0000004
Bank: Citibank N.A., No. 5, M.G. Road, Bengaluru, Karnataka 560001
Kindly note: All Peoples Church can only accept bank contributions from an India based bank account.
When making your contribution, if desired, you can indicate the specific APC ministry area where you
would like your contribution to be used. For additional details please visit apcwo.org/give
Also, please remember to pray for us and our ministry whenever you can.
Thank YYou
ou and God Bless!
189
Free Publications & Resources
A Church in Revival* Living Life Without Strife*

A Real Place Called Heaven Marriage and Family
A Time for Every Purpose Ministering Healing and Deliverance
Ancient Landmarks* Open Heavens*
Baptism in the Holy Spirit Our Redemption
Being Spiritually Minded and Earthly Wise* Revivals, Visitations and Moves of God
Biblical Attitude Towards Work Shhh!!! No Gossip
Breaking Personal and Generational Bondages The Conquest of the Mind
Change* The Father’s Love
Code Of Honor The House of God
Divine Favor* The Kingdom of God
Divine Order in the Citywide Church The Night Seasons of Life
Don’t Compromise Your Calling* The Power of Commitment*
Don’t Lose Hope The Presence of God
Equipping the Saints The Redemptive Heart of God
Foundations (Track 1) The Refiner’s Fire
Fulfilling God’s Purpose for Your Life The Spirit of Wisdom, Revelation and Power*
Gifts of the Holy Spirit The Wonderful Benefits of speaking in Tongues
Giving Birth to the Purposes of God* Timeless Principles for the Workplace
God is a Good God Understanding the Prophetic
God’s Word We Are Different*
How to Help Your Pastor Who We Are in Christ
Integrity Women in the Workplace
Kingdom Builders Work - Its Original Design
Laying the Axe to the Root
PDF versions of all the above publications are available for free download from our church website
at apcwo.or g/publications. Many of these publications are also available in other languages. To
apcwo.org/publications.
request your free copy of these publications, please send an email to bookrequest@apcwo.org
or write to us. *Available only as PDF.
apcwo.or
Also visit our church website for free audio and video Sermons, Sermon notes (apcwo.or g/sermons)
g/sermons),
apcwo.org/sermons)
apcwo.or
TV programs (apcwo.or g/tv) and many other resources you can use.
apcwo.org/tv)
190
A TTEND A WEEKEND SCHOOL

Weekend Schools, held in Bangalore, are geared to train and equip believers in specific areas of life and
ministry. These are conveniently held over a weekend (Saturday/Sunday), 10am-5pm. Weekend schools
are open to all believers from all churches and across denominations, who are interested in being trained
and equipped. Below is a list of weekend schools that are currently being hosted.
Weekend School of Prophetic Ministry

Weekend School of Healing and Deliverance
Weekend School on Gifts of the Spirit
Weekend School of Prayer and Intercession
Weekend School on Inner Wholeness
Weekend School on Lifestyle Evangelism
Weekend School on God@Work
Weekend School of Urban Missions and Church Planting
Weekend School on Christian Apologetics
pcwo.org/weekendschool for current schedule and to register online

Please visit: apcwo.org/weekendschool
191
HOST A CHRISTIAN LEADERS CONFERENCE

All Peoples Church provides Spirit anointed equipping and impartation for pastors, local church leadership,
leaders of Christian organizations and others engaging in Christian ministry. In addition to anointed
teaching, Spirit-led ministry and impartation, our teams engage in personal interaction and discussions
with participants. Each Christian Leaders Conference runs typically for 2 to 3 days focused on a specific
theme. Participants will leave renewed, empowered and equipped for greater impact and effectiveness in
their ministry. Christian Leaders Conferences are typically hosted by a local church, a christian ministry,
a missions organization or denominational head-office for churches and pastors in its area or within its
network or denomination. The hosting organization will cover the expenses of the conference as well as
inviting participants. All Peoples Church will send its ministry team to serve the participants at the
Christian Leaders Conference.
Some of the themes that our teams commonly minister on:

• Revivals, Visitations and Moves of God
• Presence and Glory
• Kingdom Builders (The Kingdom of God and Kingdom Building)
• Level Ground
• The House of God
• Apostolic and Prophetic Ministry
• Ministering Healing and Deliverance
• Gifts of the Spirit
• Marriage and Family
• Equipping The Saints and Marketplace Transformation
For additional details and a current listing of themes for Christian Leaders Conference, please visit:
apcwo.org/CLC
To schedule and plan a Christian Leaders Conference please email us at: contact@apcwo.org
192
About All Peoples Church

At All Peoples Church (APC), our vision is to be salt and light in the city of Bangalore and a voice to the
nation of India and to the nations of the world.
At APC, we are committed to presenting the complete, un-compromised Word of God in the anointing
and demonstration of His Holy Spirit. We believe that good music, creative presentations, brilliant
apologetics, contemporary ministry techniques, latest technology and so on, can never substitute the
God-ordained approach of proclaiming the Word in the power of the Holy Spirit with signs, wonders,
miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 2:4,5; Hebrews 2:3,4). Our theme is Jesus, our
content is the Word, our method is Holy Spirit power, our passion is people, and our goal is Christ-like
maturity.
With our main base in Bangalore, All Peoples Church has several other church locations in India. To get
a current listing and contact information of All Peoples Church locations, please visit our website at
.apcw
www.apcw
www o.or
.apcwo.or g/locations or send an email to contact@apcwo.org
o.org/locations
193
DO YOU KNOW THE GOD WHO LOVES YOU?

About 2000 years ago, God came into this world as a man. His name is Jesus. He lived a perfectly sinless
life. Since Jesus was God in flesh, everything He said and did revealed God to us. The words He spoke
were the very words of God. The things He did were the actions of God. Jesus did many miracles on the
Earth. He healed the sick and suffering. He opened blind eyes, unstopped deaf ears, made the lame to
walk and healed every kind of sickness and disease. He fed the hungry by miraculously multiplying a few
loaves of bread, calmed the storm and did many other wonderful things.
All of these actions reveal to us that God is a good God who wants people to be well,
whole, healthy and happy
happy.. God wants to meet the needs of people.
wants
So why then would God decide to become a man and step in to our world? Why did Jesus come?
All of us have sinned and done things that are unacceptable before the God who created us. Sin has its
consequences. Sin is like a great unsurpassable wall between God and us. Sin separates us from God. It prevents
us from knowing and having a meaningful relationship with the One who created us. Therefore, many of us try
to fill this void with other things.
Another consequence of our sins is eternal separation from God. In God’s court, the penalty for sin is
death. Death is eternal separation from God in hell.
But, the good news is that we can be free from sin and be restored to God. The Bible says, “For the
wag es [payment] of sin is death, bbut
ages ut the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
(Romans 6:23). Jesus paid for the sins of the whole world when He died on the cross. Then, three days
later He rose again, showed Himself alive to many and then went back into heaven.”
God is a God of love and mercy. He does not wish that any person be lost in hell. And so He came, to
provide a way for the entire human race to be free from sin and its lasting consequences. He came to save
sinners—to rescue people like you and me from sin and eternal death.
To receive this free forgiveness of sins, the Bible tells us that we have to do just one thing—accept
what the Lord Jesus Christ did on the cross and to believe in Him whole-heartedly.
“… through His name, whoever believes in Him will receive forgiveness of sins” (Acts 10:43).
“That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has
raised Him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9).
194
You too can receive forgiveness and cleansing for your sins if you will believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.
The following is a simple prayer to help you make a decision to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and
what He has done for you on the cross. This prayer will help you express your acceptance of what Jesus has
done for you and receive forgiveness and cleansing for your sins. This prayer is only a guideline. You can
also pray in your own words.
Dear Lord Jesus, today, I have understood what You did for me on the cross. You died for me, You
shed Your precious blood and paid the penalty for my sins, so that I could be forgiven. The Bible tells me
that whoever believes in You will receive forgiveness for their sins.
Today, I make a decision to believe in You and to accept what You did for me, by dying for me on the
cross and rising again from the dead. I know I cannot save myself by my own good works, neither can any
other human save me. I cannot earn forgiveness for my sins.
Today, I believe in my heart and say with my mouth that You died for me, You paid the penalty for my
sins, You rose again from the dead, and by faith in You, I receive forgiveness and cleansing for my sins..
Thank You Jesus. Help me to love You, to know You more and to be faithful to You. Amen.
195
Notes
196
Notes
197
Notes
198
199
BUILD TO IMPACT : SHARE IN THIS VISION

MPACT
Build
APC WORLD OUTREACH & EQUIPPING
CENTER in Bangalore will be a world-class state-
of-the-art equipping center and missions base
serving the Body of Christ across nations.
Impact
Leveraging cutting-edge technology and tools we will provide Spirit-anointed, Bible-based training to
equip, send and support a new generation of Christian ministers, locally and globally. The facility will
include a Bible college serving residential and non-residential students, with support for distance learning
via live and off-line lectures and a media center to reach people in a connected world. The facility will also
include a sanctuary, children and youth centre and a 24X7 prayer center.
As the Lord leads and enables we invite you to make a contribution of any amount and partner with us in
this vision and help us Build To Impact. To contribute towards APC WORLD OUTREACH & EQUIPPING
CENTER in Bangalore, and the on-going Build To Impact project, please use the following details.
Wire Transfer Cheques

Name of account: All PPeoples
eoples Chur
Churchch Made in favor of: All PPeoples
eoples Chur ch
Church
Building FFund
und AC Building FFund
und AC
Account No: 520101021447450 Cheques can be mailed to:
IFSC Code: CORP0000656 All Peoples Church,
Bank Name: Corporation Bank #319, 2nd Floor, 7th Main, 2nd Block HRBR
Branch Name: R.T Nagar Branch, Bangalore Layout, Kalyan Nagar, Bangalore 560043,
Karnataka, India
We welcome your contribution from an India based bank account into our bank details provided. We do
not have facility to accept overseas contributions. For any questions email us at buildtoimpact@apcwo.org
Please visit: apcwo.org/buildtoimpact for project progress and additional details.
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Marriage and Family Manual PDF

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What are some of the topics covered in the manual?

What are some of the topics covered in the manual?

What counseling services are mentioned?

What counseling services are mentioned?

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY MANUAL

Marriage and Family

Email: counselor@chrysalislife.org | Phone: 1-800-300-00998 or 91-65970617

2. PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE 1 1

3. MAKING THE CHOICE 23

4. UNDERSTANDING ROLES: HUSBAND AND WIFE 39

5. ATTITUDES, TEMPERAMENT AND BEHAVIOR 55

7. MANAGING YOUR HOME 83

8. SEX AND SEXUALITY 91

1 0 . RESOLVING CONFLICTS 105

1 1 . OVERCOMING LIFE’S CHALLENGES 119

1 2 . PRESSING FORWARD BY RELEASING THE PAST 129

1 4 . PARENTING PRIMER 147

1 5 . NURTURING CHILDREN 163

1 6 . THE FAMILY ALTAR AND INTERCESSION 171

1 7 . THE FAMILY, THE CHURCH, AND THE KINGDOM 177

1 8 . WHEN CHILDREN BECOME YOUR FRIENDS 183

1 9 . ENJOYING THE REST OF THE JOURNEY 187

Our objectives in compiling this manual on marriage and family are:

God—The Designer of Marriag

If there was only one man, he would be:

Matthew 19:3-6 (GNB)

In the Greek language, the words used are quite strong:

e—A ‘Good Thing’

Marriage—An Institution to Be Honor

Marriage—A Solemn Cov

Ephesians 5:31-32 (GNB)

Key words that describe “becoming one:”

Self-centered individuality will destroy oneness and companionship.

Marriage—A Journey of Lov

The minister addresses the groom:

The groom says: I do.

What God has instructed Popular opinion that is an opposing ideology

3, Why should a husband and wife pursue “becoming one?”

1, Becoming the Best ‘You’

Proverbs 17:22 (MSG)

Proverbs 27:15 (MSG)

Proverbs 21:9 (GNB)

Proverbs 21:19 (GNB)

1. Break free of all sexual addictions (pornography/masturbation/homosexuality/sexually explicit movies,

Preparation Area Preparedness Things that need to be

2, Learning to live out of who you are in Christ.

MAKING THE CHOICE

Four Realms of Compatibility

Emotional and intellectual compatibility

Watch Out for Warning Signs

Here are some things that you need to consider:

James 1:8 He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Is There an “Appointed One and Only?”

Rebecca could have said ‘No’

Genesis 24: 21,26-27 (GNB)

Genesis 24:49-51 (GNB)

Ultimately it was Rebecca’

There are many others whom God has led differently

Real life scenario