Abiya Mari First Essay, 40 Out of 50

Assessment of Abiya Mari's Essay
Content & Planning: 30 Marks
Upper Level: 22–24
 Response and Ideas: The essay presents a thoughtful and mature perspective on the
value of listening over talking. It uses the narrative of Kim and Stanley to illustrate
the main point effectively. However, it could delve deeper into the implications of the
story and provide more analysis.
 Organisation: The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body, and
conclusion. The narrative about Kim and Stanley is integrated well into the overall
argument.
 Relevance: The essay remains relevant throughout and provides interesting insights
into the topic.
Language, Style & Editing: 15 Marks
Upper Level: 11–12
 Tone and Register: The tone and style are appropriate for the purpose and audience.
The essay maintains a consistent and effective tone.
 Word Choice: The vocabulary is varied and mostly appropriate, but there are a few
places where word choice could be improved for clarity and impact.
 Grammar and Spelling: The essay has minor grammatical errors and awkward
phrasings that need correction.
Structure: 5 Marks
Upper Level: 4
 Paragraph Development: Paragraphs are well-constructed and logical. Each

paragraph supports the main idea and transitions smoothly to the next.
 Sentence Construction: Sentences are generally well-constructed but could benefit
from more variety in structure to enhance readability.
Total: 40/50
Identified Mistakes and Corrections
1. Introduction:
o Original: "Listening is the most selfish thing a person can do."
o Correction: "Listening can be one of the most self-serving activities a person
can engage in."
2. First Body Paragraph:
o Original: "While people are too busy talking, they fail to notice those who
prey on valuable information and use it for their own selfish benefits."
o Correction: "While people are engrossed in talking, they often overlook those
who attentively listen and later use the gathered information for their own
gain."
3. Second Body Paragraph:
o Original: "It's a wonderful thing to share your secrets with someone else,
expecting valuable advice in return."
o Correction: "It can be rewarding to share your secrets with someone,
anticipating valuable advice in return."
4. Narrative Example:
o Original: "However, this kind of information seemed to be what Stanley
wanted all along."
o Correction: "However, it appeared that this information was precisely what
Stanley had been seeking."
5. Conclusion:
o Original: "Listening skills are most useful in these kinds of situations, as many
people feel that sharing information is helpful without realizing that the
listeners are gaining the most."
o Correction: "Listening skills are especially valuable in such situations, as
many people believe sharing information is beneficial, not realizing that the
listeners often gain the most."
6. Final Thought:
o Original: "In conclusion, do not be a parrot in life. Relying too much on your
ability to talk is never a good idea."
o Correction: "In conclusion, avoid being a mere parrot in life. Over-relying on
your ability to talk is seldom advantageous."
Corrected Essay
Abiya Mari
Grade 10A
You learn new things when you listen.
Listening can be one of the most self-serving activities a person can engage in. In a world
where talking has become the dominant form of communication, many people fall in love
with talking, forgetting the most useful tool of all: listening. While people are engrossed in
talking, they often overlook those who attentively listen and later use the gathered
information for their own gain. Through listening alone, you can gather a lot of information
about a person's interests, desires, and motives, which can be used to lend them a helping
hand. Many friendships have been formed through listening alone. It can be rewarding to
share your secrets with someone, anticipating valuable advice in return. Although talking is
often valued over listening nowadays, listening is actually the most selfish and powerful tool
we possess, allowing us to gain valuable information and build meaningful relationships – at
least that's what the majority of people think.
I remember a time when Kim, a very friendly young man, really needed someone to listen to
him as he felt like his problems with his girlfriend were overwhelming. Luckily, Stanley was
there to lend him an ear. Kim told Stanley a lot about his girlfriend and even revealed what
she desired the most. However, it appeared that this information was precisely what Stanley
had been seeking. After receiving this information, Stanley knew exactly how to satisfy
Kim's girlfriend and later took her for himself.
Listening skills are especially valuable in such situations, as many people believe sharing
information is beneficial, not realizing that the listeners often gain the most.
In conclusion, avoid being a mere parrot in life. Over-relying on your ability to talk is seldom
advantageous. Do not make the same mistake as Kim; instead, be more like Stanley and use
the information others share with you to your advantage.
This essay scores 40 out of 50 based on the provided rubric, demonstrating a strong
understanding of the topic and good organization but needing minor improvements in
language use and detail development.

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Assessment of Abiya Mari's Essay

Content & Planning: 30 Marks

Upper Level: 22–24

Language, Style & Editing: 15 Marks

Upper Level: 11–12

 Paragraph Development: Paragraphs are well-constructed and logical. Each

Identified Mistakes and Corrections

You learn new things when you listen.

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