What is effective communication?

C O M M U N I C AT I O N

Effective
Communication
Want to communicate better? These tips will
help you avoid misunderstandings, grasp
the real meaning of what’s being
communicated, and greatly improve your
work and personal relationships.

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By Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.

and Melinda Smith, M.A.

What is effective
communication?
Effective communication is about more than
just exchanging information. It's about
understanding the emotion and intentions
behind the information. As well as being
able to clearly convey a message, you need
to also listen in a way that gains the full
meaning of what's being said and makes the
other person feel heard and understood.

Effective communication sounds like it

should be instinctive. But all too often, when
we try to communicate with others
something goes astray. We say one thing,
the other person hears something else, and
misunderstandings, frustration, and
conflicts ensue. This can cause problems in
your home, school, and work relationships.

For many of us, communicating more clearly

and effectively requires learning some
important skills. Whether you’re trying to
improve communication with your spouse,
kids, boss, or coworkers, learning these
skills can deepen your connections to
others, build greater trust and respect, and
improve teamwork, problem solving, and
your overall social and emotional health.

What's stopping you from

communicating effectively?
Common barriers to effective
communication include:

Stress and out-of-control emotion. When

you're stressed or emotionally
overwhelmed, you're more likely to misread
other people, send confusing or off-putting
nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy
knee-jerk patterns of behavior. To avoid
conflict and misunderstandings, you can
learn how to quickly calm down before
continuing a conversation.

Lack of focus. You can't communicate

effectively when you're multitasking. If
you're checking your phone, planning what
you're going to say next, or daydreaming,
you're almost certain to miss nonverbal cues
in the conversation. To communicate
effectively, you need to avoid distractions
and stay focused.

Inconsistent body language. Nonverbal

communication should reinforce what is
being said, not contradict it. If you say one
thing, but your body language says
something else, your listener will likely feel
that you're being dishonest. For example,
you can't say “yes” while shaking your head
no.

[Read: Nonverbal Communication and Body

Language]

Negative body language. If you disagree

with or dislike what's being said, you might
use negative body language to rebuff the
other person's message, such as crossing
your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping
your feet. You don't have to agree with, or
even like what's being said, but to
communicate effectively and not put the
other person on the defensive, it's important
to avoid sending negative signals.

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Effective communication skill 1:

Become an engaged listener
When communicating with others, we often
focus on what we should say. However,
effective communication is less about
talking and more about listening. Listening
well means not just understanding the
words or the information being
communicated, but also understanding the
emotions the speaker is trying to convey.

There's a big difference between engaged

listening and simply hearing. When you
really listen—when you're engaged with
what's being said—you'll hear the subtle
intonations in someone's voice that tell you
how that person is feeling and the emotions
they're trying to communicate. When you're
an engaged listener, not only will you better
understand the other person, you'll also
make that person feel heard and
understood, which can help build a stronger,
deeper connection between you.

By communicating in this way, you'll also

experience a process that lowers stress and
supports physical and emotional well-being.
If the person you're talking to is calm, for
example, listening in an engaged way will
help to calm you, too. Similarly, if the person
is agitated, you can help calm them by
listening in an attentive way and making the
person feel understood.

If your goal is to fully understand and

connect with the other person, listening in
an engaged way will often come naturally. If
it doesn't, try the following tips. The more
you practice them, the more satisfying and
rewarding your interactions with others will
become.

Tips for becoming an engaged

listener
Focus fully on the speaker. You can't listen
in an engaged way if you're constantly
checking your phone or thinking about
something else. You need to stay focused
on the moment-to-moment experience in
order to pick up the subtle nuances and
important nonverbal cues in a conversation.
If you find it hard to concentrate on some
speakers, try repeating their words over in
your head—it'll reinforce their message and
help you stay focused.

Favor your right ear. As strange as it

sounds, the left side of the brain contains
the primary processing centers for both
speech comprehension and emotions. Since
the left side of the brain is connected to the
right side of the body, favoring your right
ear can help you better detect the
emotional nuances of what someone is
saying.

Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the

conversation to your concerns. By saying
something like, “If you think that's bad, let
me tell you what happened to me.” Listening
is not the same as waiting for your turn to
talk. You can't concentrate on what
someone's saying if you're forming what
you're going to say next. Often, the speaker
can read your facial expressions and know
that your mind's elsewhere.

Show your interest in what's being

said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person,
and make sure your posture is open and
inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue
with small verbal comments like “yes” or “uh
huh.”

Try to set aside judgment. In order to

communicate effectively with someone, you
don't have to like them or agree with their
ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do
need to set aside your judgment and
withhold blame and criticism in order to fully
understand them. The most difficult
communication, when successfully
executed, can often lead to an unlikely
connection with someone.

[Read: Improving Emotional Intelligence

(EQ)]

Provide feedback. If there seems to be a

disconnect, reflect what has been said by
paraphrasing. “What I'm hearing is,” or
“Sounds like you are saying,” are great ways
to reflect back. Don't simply repeat what the
speaker has said verbatim, though—you'll
sound insincere or unintelligent. Instead,
express what the speaker's words mean to
you. Ask questions to clarify certain points:
“What do you mean when you say…” or “Is
this what you mean?”

Hear the emotion behind the words. It's the

higher frequencies of human speech that
impart emotion. You can become more
attuned to these frequencies—and thus
better able to understand what others are
really saying—by exercising the tiny
muscles of your middle ear (the smallest in
the body). You can do this by singing,
playing a wind instrument, or listening to
certain types of high-frequency music (a
Mozart symphony or violin concerto, for
example, rather than low-frequency rock,
pop, or hip-hop).

Skill 2: Pay attention to

nonverbal signals
The way you look, listen, move, and react to
another person tells them more about how
you're feeling than words alone ever can.
Nonverbal communication, or body
language, includes facial expressions, body
movement and gestures, eye contact,
posture, the tone of your voice, and even
your muscle tension and breathing.

Developing the ability to understand and

use nonverbal communication can help you
connect with others, express what you
really mean, navigate challenging situations,
and build better relationships at home and
work.

You can enhance effective

communication by using open body
language—arms uncrossed, standing
with an open stance or sitting on the
edge of your seat, and maintaining
eye contact with the person you're
talking to.

You can also use body language to

emphasize or enhance your verbal
message—patting a friend on the
back while complimenting him on his
success, for example, or pounding
your fists to underline your message.

Improve how you read nonverbal

communication
Be aware of individual differences. People
from different countries and cultures tend to
use different nonverbal communication
gestures, so it's important to take age,
culture, religion, gender, and emotional state
into account when reading body language
signals. An American teen, a grieving widow,
and an Asian businessman, for example, are
likely to use nonverbal signals differently.

Look at nonverbal communication signals

as a group. Don't read too much into a
single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all
of the nonverbal signals you receive, from
eye contact to tone of voice to body
language. Anyone can slip up occasionally
and let eye contact go, for example, or
briefly cross their arms without meaning to.
Consider the signals as a whole to get a
better “read” on a person.

Improve how you deliver nonverbal

communication
Use nonverbal signals that match up with
your words rather than contradict them. If
you say one thing, but your body language
says something else, your listener will feel
confused or suspect that you're being
dishonest. For example, sitting with your
arms crossed and shaking your head
doesn't match words telling the other
person that you agree with what they're
saying.

Adjust your nonverbal signals according to

the context. The tone of your voice, for
example, should be different when you're
addressing a child than when you're
addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take
into account the emotional state and
cultural background of the person you're
interacting with.

Avoid negative body language. Instead, use

body language to convey positive feelings,
even when you're not actually experiencing
them. If you're nervous about a situation—a
job interview, important presentation, or
first date, for example—you can use positive
body language to signal confidence, even
though you're not feeling it. Instead of
tentatively entering a room with your head
down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair,
try standing tall with your shoulders back,
smiling and maintaining eye contact, and
delivering a firm handshake. It will make you
feel more self-confident and help to put the
other person at ease.

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COUNSELING

Skill 3: Keep stress in check

How many times have you felt stressed
during a disagreement with your spouse,
kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then
said or done something you later regretted?
If you can quickly relieve stress and return
to a calm state, you'll not only avoid such
regrets, but in many cases you'll also help to
calm the other person as well. It's only when
you're in a calm, relaxed state that you'll be
able to know whether the situation requires
a response, or whether the other person's
signals indicate it would be better to remain
silent.

In situations such as a job interview,

business presentation, high-pressure
meeting, or introduction to a loved one's
family, for example, it's important to manage
your emotions, think on your feet, and
effectively communicate under pressure.

Communicate effectively by staying

calm under pressure
Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to
think. Ask for a question to be repeated or
for clarification of a statement before you
respond.

Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn't

necessarily a bad thing—pausing can make
you seem more in control than rushing your
response.

Make one point and provide an example or

supporting piece of information. If your
response is too long or you waffle about a
number of points, you risk losing the
listener's interest. Follow one point with an
example and then gauge the listener's
reaction to tell if you should make a second
point.

Deliver your words clearly. In many cases,

how you say something can be as important
as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain an
even tone, and make eye contact. Keep your
body language relaxed and open.

Wrap up with a summary and then stop.

Summarize your response and then stop
talking, even if it leaves a silence in the
room. You don't have to fill the silence by
continuing to talk.

Quick stress relief for effective

communication
When a conversation starts to get heated,
you need something quick and immediate
to bring down the emotional intensity. By
learning to quickly reduce stress in the
moment, you can safely take stock of any
strong emotions you're experiencing,
regulate your feelings, and behave
appropriately.

Recognize when you're becoming stressed.

Your body will let you know if you're
stressed as you communicate. Are your
muscles or stomach tight? Are your hands
clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you
“forgetting” to breathe?

Take a moment to calm down before

deciding to continue a conversation or
postpone it.

Bring your senses to the rescue. The best

way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is
through the senses—sight, sound, touch,
taste, smell—or movement. For example,
you could pop a peppermint in your mouth,
squeeze a stress ball in your pocket, take a
few deep breaths, clench and relax your
muscles, or simply recall a soothing,
sensory-rich image. Each person responds
differently to sensory input, so you need to
find a coping mechanism that is soothing to
you.

[Read: Quick Stress Relief]

Look for humor in the situation. When used

appropriately, humor is a great way to
relieve stress when communicating. When
you or those around you start taking things
too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood
by sharing a joke or an amusing story.

Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you

can both bend a little, you'll be able to find a
happy middle ground that reduces the
stress levels for everyone concerned. If you
realize that the other person cares much
more about an issue than you do,
compromise may be easier for you and a
good investment for the future of the
relationship.

Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take

time away from the situation so everyone
can calm down. Go for a stroll outside if
possible, or spend a few minutes
meditating. Physical movement or finding a
quiet place to regain your balance can
quickly reduce stress.
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