Nonverbal Communication

Improving Your Nonverbal Skills and Reading Body

Language

It's well known that good communication is the foundation of any successful
relationship, be it personal or professional. It's important to recognize, though, that it's
our nonverbal communicationour facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, posture,
and tone of voicethat speak the loudest. The ability to understand and use nonverbal
communication, or body language, is a powerful tool that can help you connect with
others, express what you really mean, and build better relationships.

What is nonverbal communication and body

language?
When we interact with others, we continuously give and receive wordless signals. All
of our nonverbal behaviorsthe gestures we make, the way we sit, how fast or how
loud we talk, how close we stand, how much eye contact we makesend strong
messages. These messages don't stop when you stop speaking either. Even when
you're silent, you're still communicating nonverbally.
Oftentimes, what comes out of our mouths and what we communicate through our
body language are two totally different things. When faced with these mixed signals,
the listener has to choose whether to believe your verbal or nonverbal message, and,
in most cases, they're going to choose the nonverbal because it's a natural,
unconscious language that broadcasts our true feelings and intentions in any given
moment.

Why nonverbal communication matters

The way you listen, look, move, and react tells the other person whether or not you
care, if youre being truthful, and how well youre listening. When your nonverbal
signals match up with the words youre saying, they increase trust, clarity, and
rapport. When they dont, they generate tension, mistrust, and confusion.
If you want to become a better communicator, its important to become more sensitive
not only to the body language and nonverbal cues of others, but also to your own.

Nonverbal communication cues can play five roles:

Repetition: they can repeat the message the person is making verbally.
Contradiction: they can contradict a message the individual is trying to
convey.

Substitution: they can substitute for a verbal message. For example, a

person's eyes can often convey a far more vivid message than words do.
Complementing: they may add to or complement a verbal message. A boss
who pats a person on the back in addition to giving praise can increase the
impact of the message.
Accenting: they may accent or underline a verbal message. Pounding the
table, for example, can underline a message.

Source: The Importance of Effective Communication, Edward G. Wertheim, Ph.D.

Types of nonverbal communication and body

language
There are many different types of nonverbal communication. Together, the following
nonverbal signals and cues communicate your interest and investment in others.

Facial expressions
The human face is extremely expressive, able to express countless emotions without
saying a word. And unlike some forms of nonverbal communication, facial
expressions are universal. The facial expressions for happiness, sadness, anger,
surprise, fear, and disgust are the same across cultures.

Body movements and posture

Consider how your perceptions of people are affected by the way they sit, walk, stand
up, or hold their head. The way you move and carry yourself communicates a wealth
of information to the world. This type of nonverbal communication includes your
posture, bearing, stance, and subtle movements.

Gestures
Gestures are woven into the fabric of our daily lives. We wave, point, beckon, and use
our hands when were arguing or speaking animatedlyexpressing ourselves with
gestures often without thinking. However, the meaning of gestures can be very
different across cultures and regions, so its important to be careful to avoid
misinterpretation.

Eye contact
Since the visual sense is dominant for most people, eye contact is an especially
important type of nonverbal communication. The way you look at someone can
communicate many things, including interest, affection, hostility, or attraction. Eye
contact is also important in maintaining the flow of conversation and for gauging the
other persons response.

Touch

We communicate a great deal through touch. Think about the messages given by the
following: a weak handshake, a timid tap on the shoulder, a warm bear hug, a
reassuring slap on the back, a patronizing pat on the head, or a controlling grip on
your arm.

Space
Have you ever felt uncomfortable during a conversation because the other person was
standing too close and invading your space? We all have a need for physical space,
although that need differs depending on the culture, the situation, and the closeness of
the relationship. You can use physical space to communicate many different nonverbal
messages, including signals of intimacy and affection, aggression or dominance.

Voice
Its not just what you say, its how you say it. When we speak, other people read our
voices in addition to listening to our words. Things they pay attention to include your
timing and pace, how loud you speak, your tone and inflection, and sounds that
convey understanding, such as ahh and uh-huh. Think about how someone's tone
of voice, for example, can indicate sarcasm, anger, affection, or confidence.

Nonverbal communication cant be faked

You may be familiar with advice on how to sit a certain way, steeple your fingers, or
shake hands just so in order to appear confident or assert dominance. But the truth is
that such tricks arent likely to work (unless you truly feel confident and in charge).
Thats because you cant control all of the signals youre constantly sending off about
what youre really thinking and feeling. And the harder you try, the more unnatural
your signals are likely to come across.

How nonverbal communication can go wrong

What you communicate through your body language and nonverbal signals affects
how others see you, how well they like and respect you, and whether or not they trust
you.
Unfortunately, many people send confusing or negative nonverbal signals without
even knowing it. When this happens, both connection and trust are damaged.

Nonverbal communication and body language in relationships

Ted, Arlene, and Jack are all articulate speakers who say one thing while
communicating something else nonverbally, with disastrous results in their
relationships:

Jack
believes he gets along great with his colleagues at work, but if you were to ask any of
them, they would say that Jack is "intimidating" and "very intense." Rather than just

look at you, he seems to devour you with his eyes. And if he takes your hand, he
lunges to get it and then squeezes so hard it hurts. Jack is a caring guy who secretly
wishes he had more friends, but his nonverbal awkwardness keeps people at a
distance and limits his ability to advance at work.

Arlene
is attractive and has no problem meeting eligible men, but she has a difficult time
maintaining a relationship longer than a few months. Arlene is funny and interesting,
but even though she constantly laughs and smiles, she radiates tension. Her shoulders
and eyebrows are noticeably raised, her voice is shrill, and her body is stiff. Being
around Arlene makes many people feel uncomfortable. Arlene has a lot going for her
that is undercut by the discomfort she evokes in others.

Ted
thought he had found the perfect match when he met Sharon, but Sharon wasn't so
sure. Ted is good looking, hardworking, and a smooth talker, but Ted seemed to care
more about his thoughts than Sharon's. When Sharon had something to say, Ted was
always ready with wild eyes and a rebuttal before she could finish her thought. This
made Sharon feel ignored, and soon she started dating other men. Ted loses out at
work for the same reason. His inability to listen to others makes him unpopular with
many of the people he most admires.

These smart, well-intentioned people struggle in their attempt to connect with others.
The sad thing is that they are unaware of the nonverbal messages they communicate.
If you want to communicate effectively, avoid misunderstandings, and enjoy solid,
trusting relationships both socially and professionally, its important to understand
how to use and interpret nonverbal signals.

Setting the stage for effective nonverbal

communication
Nonverbal communication is a rapidly flowing back-and-forth process requiring your
full concentration and attention. If you are planning what youre going to say next,
daydreaming, or thinking about something else, you are almost certain to miss
nonverbal cues and other subtleties in the conversation. You need to stay focused on
the moment-to-moment experience in order to fully understand whats going on.

To improve nonverbal communication, learn to manage stress

Learning how to manage stress in the heat of the moment is one of the most important
things you can do to improve your nonverbal communication. Stress compromises
your ability to communicate. When youre stressed out, youre more likely to misread
other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into

unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. Furthermore, emotions are contagious. You

being upset is very likely to trigger others to be upset, making a bad situation worse.
If youre feeling overwhelmed by stress, its best to take a time out. Take a moment to
calm down before you jump back into the conversation. Once youve regained your
emotional equilibrium, youll be better equipped to deal with the situation in a
positive way.

How emotional awareness strengthens nonverbal communication

In order to send accurate nonverbal cues, you need to be aware of your emotions and
how they influence you. You also need to be able to recognize the emotions of others
and the true feelings behind the cues they are sending. This is where emotional
awareness comes in.
Emotional awareness enables you to:

Accurately read other people, including the emotions theyre feeling and the
unspoken messages theyre sending.
Create trust in relationships by sending nonverbal signals that match up with
your words.
Respond in ways that show others that you understand, notice, and care.
Know if the relationship is meeting your emotional needs, giving you the
option to either repair the relationship or move on.

Tips for reading body language and nonverbal

communication
Once youve developed your abilities to manage stress and recognize emotions, youll
naturally become better at reading the nonverbal signals sent by others.

Pay attention to inconsistencies. Nonverbal communication should reinforce

what is being said. Is the person is saying one thing, and their body language
something else? For example, are they telling you yes while shaking their
head no?
Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Dont read too much
into a single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals
you are receiving, from eye contact to tone of voice and body language. Taken
together, are their nonverbal cues consistentor inconsistentwith what their
words are saying?
Trust your instincts. Dont dismiss your gut feelings. If you get the sense that
someone isnt being honest or that something isnt adding up, you may be
picking up on a mismatch between verbal and nonverbal cues.

Evaluating nonverbal signals

Eye contact

Is eye contact being made? If so, is it overly intense or just right?

Facial

What is their face showing? Is it masklike and unexpressive, or

Evaluating nonverbal signals

expression

emotionally present and filled with interest?

Tone of voice

Does their voice project warmth, confidence, and interest, or is it

strained and blocked?

Posture and
gesture

Are their bodies relaxed or stiff and immobile? Are shoulders tense
and raised, or slightly sloped?

Touch

Is there any physical contact? Is it appropriate to the situation? Does

it make you feel uncomfortable?

Intensity

Do they seem flat, cool, and disinterested, or over-the-top and

melodramatic?

Timing and
pace

Is there an easy flow of information back and forth? Do nonverbal

responses come too quickly or too slowly?

Sounds

Do you hear sounds that indicate caring or concern?

As you continue to pay attention to the nonverbal cues and signals you send and
receive, your ability to communicate will improve.

If you need to reduce stress and improve your communication, FEELING LOVED
can help.
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More help for nonverbal communication

Effective Communication: Improving Communication Skills in Your Work

and Personal Relationships
Conflict Resolution Skills: Building the Skills That Can Turn Conflicts into
Opportunities
Relationship Help: Advice for Building Relationships that are Healthy, Happy
and Satisfying

Resources and references

General information about nonverbal communication
About Nonverbal Communications Overview of the different categories of
nonverbal communication, along with a detailed list of signals. (Adam Blatner, M.D.)
Body Language: Understanding Nonverbal Communication Guide to body language
and nonverbal communication, particularly as it applies to the workplace.
(MindTools)
Using Body Language Learn about various nonverbal message clusters that indicate
things such as aggression, attention, boredom, defensiveness, and attraction.
(Changing Minds)
The Power of Nonverbal Communication Explore an MIT professors insights into
nonverbal communication cues, and what it means in the work world. (The Wall
Street Journal)
Who Are You (And What Do You Think of Me?) Tips for reading the nonverbal
signals in a job interview situation, when meeting someone new, and on a date.
(Psychology Today)
The Importance of Nonverbal Communication (PDF) Piece by Edward G.
Wertheim, Ph.D. about the communication process and how managers can make
constructive and effective feedback to workers. (Northeastern University)
Uses of Nonverbal Communication Covers a variety of nonverbal communication
methods, including signals used to control conversation and convey personality and
status. (Changing Minds)
Authors: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Melinda Smith, M.A., Greg Boose, and Jaelline Jaffe,
Ph.D. Last updated: April 2016.
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